In the minds of others, I want us to be viewed as
A starstruck love, a famous and widely dreamed of
Fantasy. The softness of our kisses will echo in their eyes
And they will think, "there is love in that kiss.
There is love in their eyes and in their bodies.
They share the love in their minds and arms."
The fire in our eyes will be an old one,
Strong and mature. The smiles we exchange
Will contain memories that few recognize.
I want to be seen as the luckiest girl in the world,
Because I am. The universe will hear my whisper
When I tell you I love you, and there will be a silent
Cheer for us alone. A whistle from me
And a tear of joy.
I want there to be love in our eyes,
And pain in our hearts.
I want us to be stronger and learn from eachother.
I want to be us  *forever.

Let me be the one to see
The only thing between us
Dissolve
Not now, but soon enough,
We will feel the remaining distance

Come closer.
Closer, love, and I will heal all of your pain.

This current adrenaline is satisfying, for now,
But won't be enough.
In our minds eye, we know how close we are,
And how close we could be.

See the colors burning bright,
Burning for us.
Simmering under the weight of this love.
Charred under the heat of this lust we share.

My eyes have been replaced with black mirrors.
You can't see what is inside of me anymore.

Everything has been turned against me.
I don't know how to live without what I have always known.

But, when I find that she has lied to me...
Manipulated me and the one who was there for me more than she was...
And opened a door to my darkest theater of mind,
My most horrifying memory...

My eyes have been replaced with black holes,
Absorbing every word, every action,
And I still haven't found my answers.

For once, can I stay the way
You want me to be? For once
I want to be happy and lovely.
I want to stay with him and
Blend the colors of my skin
Like oil pastels
So my lighter scars won't show through.

For once... Just once,
I want to be trusted.
Let free to make my own decisions
Without letting down the people I love.

I want to be free of confusion and fear,
the voices in my head they attempt to sway
My every step
I don't want to go down that path!

For once I just want peace. Stillness
Silence, except for a whisper from
The one I will always love.
For once, I want to allow him to
Wear his suit of armour and
Save me from my dragons.
Battle the witch that cursed me
And set me free from the ugly skin in bear.
Kiss me and wake me up from this nightmare.

For once I need to accept the things
I've already accepted in the past.
I need to let go of the things
Clouding my judgement, urges
That I can not control.

For once, can I just stay dead?

Constantly sitting in the same place
Makes me feel lost.

Fighting against these stupid currents once again.
The change and peace I long for is impossibly far,
Straight off the horizon and
Two light years away.
In that randomly created and murdered star, I see
A life I know I can't have yet:
A daughter, a lover, and a smile.
Now, though... Now I feel swarmed by thousands of bees,
Each thought running through my head is a sting that welts on my skin.
I try to heal, but the water rushing at my legs as I stand in the river
Turns to acid
And erodes my bones. I am held up by the memory of the
Perfect body I once had.
The curve and color washing off for the first time in years.

Falling back, retreating.
I am not a good soldier.

I am a broken soul, and it shows.
But, even so, someone told me that I
Was stronger than I thought I was.

All I could ask myself was,

*"Then why did I do it?"

Just that smile. The nervous voice and the awkward hug.
You stole me away in those short moments.
Almost six months ago now.
Time flies, and if that is true,
I might as well be Time herself.
Because you gave me wings.

I'm sorry for being an idiot. I'm sorry for being a *****. I'm sorry for walking away when I am angry.  I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry for being moody. I'm sorry for not shutting up. I'm sorry for feeling the need to talk to you. I'm sorry for procrastinating. I'm sorry for not making you as happy as I want you to be. I'm sorry for not saying the right thing. I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry for wearing heels. I'm sorry for wearing jeans. I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry I. Sorry I'm sorry for doing what ever I have done. Im Sorry for being me.

I am falling apart...
I am ******* falling apart.
Everything has gone wrong.

You find out, yell at me,
Keep me caged in.
And now I can't think at all.

I didn't do my assignment.
I didn't even know I had it!
And before that, I got every question wrong.

I don't even care anymore.
This comes first.
And plus, a few assignments won't affect me too much.
The tests though...

But it is simple.
I know the numbers,
I know the properties.

But what I don't know is how to ******* fix myself.

I can't control you and I can't make you
LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!

I can't fix this.
And I can't run.

I have too much to lose.

Somehow, I knew.
I knew it couldn't last from the beginning
And I thought about ending it myself
Countless times. I convinced myself I was paranoid.
A long time ago, I felt the light fade and i tried to bring it back.
"Can we try to be innocent again,
Like we were at first?"
That's when I knew you were losing it.

I tried to hold it together.
Change myself in the smallest of ways.

I felt the light fade from you a long time ago.
I could see the fakeness in the way you looked at me.
You distanced yourself.
And i could tell that your "I love you"s had
An entirely different meaning from mine.

What were the lies and when did they happen?
How long did you feel how you felt?
Why did you imagine with me and
Dream of our life together when you couldn't see it like I could
And it scared you?
When did you lie to me?

None of it adds up, and I don't know if I want it to.
We are friends, now, no matter what,
But I wish I could have realized
What had to be done.
Maybe it would have been easier then.

I made a fool of myself, letting you come inside like that.
I trusted you when you said "forever."
And Then I noticed a pattern.
After every mission, every religious retreat,
You changed. Acted differently.
As if I was simply a sin.
And you wondered why i hated organized religion, believing what
HUMANS
Told you about God.
And I knew that changed the way you thought about me,
Just a little at a time.
And again, I convinced myself otherwise,
Because I tried for you.
I did not fight for you.
If I fought for what we had, it would not have been worth it,
Fighting is too much.
If I had to fight, it would have
Meant that i never truly loved you. That i had
To try to love you instead of feeling it.

Did you really fight?
Did you lie to me about everything?
Did you have to change to make me happy?
Was all of it for nothing?

I laid in my bed, staring out my broken screen window,
And I thought of you.
The stars in the sky remind me of your mind,
An endless galaxy of thought and memory.
I dreamed with open eyes that you laid next to me,
Whispering small things in my ear
And gently tracing the scars on my arm.
The small blisters covering my skin
Throbbing and sensitive under your calloused fingers.
We could talk about the little things that make life great,
Or you could kiss me senseless.

These hopes and thoughts repeat every night.
The imagery and technicolor thoughts leave shivers
Running through my entire body. I know you dream of this, too.

Ribs and shaky fingers are not
A definition of beautiful.
A tear streaked face and a constant
Soreness in my voice are not cute.

I want to feel beautiful again.
I want to feel wanted again.

Every passing moment,
I feel less acknowledged.
Less looked at.

I've raided my mind for every answer to my questions:
Do you look at me like I'm beautiful?
Do you notice the little things?
Respect the small scars that I don't remember?
Do you realize how hard I fight for you and how close
I've come to trying again?
Do you ever cry for me? Pray for me?
Do you ever look at me just for the fun of it?
And notice every detail in my back while I'm not looking?

I want to feel needed again.
I want to know that I am wanted and not discarded.
That I am not a useless thing and a waste of air.
I just want to feel your eyes on me and feel the gentleness of your hands.

Do you ever shake out of fear for me?
Do you ever realize that I am in pain before I do?
D you realize that every time someone asks if I'm okay,
Even if I am, I start to cry because
There is always something to think about?
Do you ever think about how lonely and worthless I feel when I have no one there with me?
Do you ever worry about when I fall asleep, maybe I'm dreaming about my own death?
Do you ever get scared when I lock myself in my room and refuse to speak?
Do you ever wonder what it's like to be as jealous as I am?
Or wonder what it's like to be in my shoes with people talking behind my back and insulting me?
Sometimes physically pushing me?

I just want to feel loved again.
I miss you.

I've gotten over it.
It has all been said and done.

I tied a bandanna tightly around my neck.
I tried to **** myself.
My phone buzzed.
I reached.
The knots untied themselves.
And now, I am still here.

I've forgotten, or at least have gotten over it.
Now, it's everyone else's turn.

So many things containing those words.
And all of them are true.
I hope that you will be my last true love, because you are also my first.
I hope you will be the first to love me intimately, and also be the last.

I wish that you could be the last thing I see before I drift into our dreamland,
And the first sight when I awake.

The first to tell your secrets, and the last to let go of.

The last to leave, the first to see, truly.

.

et stellæ de cælo, quam te amo.

Like love, just know time.

Just like I will.

Why don't you understand that my tears burn me!
Stupid mind! Just let me be! I try.
I try, I do, to be happy or mask it or
SOMETHING!
Every attempt I have fails!
Just let me be...
Let me succeed in not crying just once! Please!
I am sick of the burning, the itching.

I am panicking. I am hurt.
Everything I fear will bring me down is returning.
I am shaking and cold, I cry constantly
And the salt leaves small cuts on my face.
I am allergic to myself. The feelings I try to let rain out
Have consequences.
I want to write.
I desperately want to.
But I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore.

All day I could
Feel

My heart breaking,
shattered and
torn away

Every ******* time I looked at you.

Now I know why.

Simple, complex, loud and confusing.
   I don't belong somehow. I am free here

                       Yet, still confused.
       The ending seems far,
Nothing clouds me.
                                    My mind is blank:
Hoping to get out.