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@journeyofdays

this starting over
new routine
new each day...planning to keep level
to function
weigh up
making choices that are life giving ....not soul sapping ...everyday
self care …to live
to function
beyond breathing
this new reality


@journeyofdays

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@journeyofdays

breathe and hold


no ...sound ...clicks….roar
eye of storm
cool of dawn
moonless night
deep quiet
eternity in a moment
savouring this space between thoughts

release and reengage

#thisjourneyofdays

nobody is really sure
obvious things are gone
like missing paintings from the wall
stark relief of faded paper
what has gone missing
after the thief has been
it takes time to catalogue
the treasures that have been lost
crime perpetuates
you find the dust silhouette
where smaller things once stood

churning again the horror that flattened my life
the flash blindness still comes in waves
stealing little pieces thought safe
those sacred things
placed close to my heart
appear to have leaked away overnight
lured away
or repelled
cannot tell
but the thief has been back
there are fingerprints in the dust

@journeyofdays

you always know
because
deep
down
there is always knowing

@journeyofdays

it is all connected
in all things
nothing stands alone

@journeyofdays

even when you are not here
you know
always
watching

@journeyofdays

spaces between thoughts
count for more
when the soul breathes

@journeyofdays

deluge of tears
floods wounds
soaks to sodden
igniting
mercy


@journeyofdays

window to your mind
this art that you make
journey across ordinary life
and scarred and ancient landscapes.

warrior falls
righteous rage cut short
his cause now falters
Evil dances on his demise
blighting the memory, continuing falsehoods
a chattering class of worms

truth exposed
this art that you make
document this extraordinary life
of battles fought and Evil vanquished

@journeyofdays

collapsing on itself
I lost time sleeping
but travelled miles

@journeyofdays

study of shape
of form
terrain
seeing evolution embedded in my landscape

natural formations of life events
the destructive force of hate and man made dramas
assessing the impact on orbits
hurtling off course

map of features
trying to make sense of what happened
seeking the why
a topography of trauma

#thisjourneyofdays

bone aching exhaustion
shuddering through the waves of pain and hurt breaking
over me...
breaking me
overwhelming this power
this relentless assault on my body...my mind...my soul…
tossing me onto rocks into places I do not want to go

fight it and sink

float and survive

@journeyofdays

Trying I promise
Really I am
Understand me please
Symbiotic with anxiety
Trauma ******* everything up

@journeyofdays

Trusting ...
you
me
in face value
you are not my past experience
I  will not over analyse
this is new ground is stable
my balance


this new for me
It has been a long time
back  me

#thisjourneyofdays

truth
I love you
it has always been this way

@journeyofdays

tumbling up hills while running through air
singing songs underwater
lakes floating in space
spinning in circles and drawing  straight lines
needing to start but can’t find my pen
answering doors with nobody there
diving through snow escaping the heat
feeling my way through clouds that talk
wanting to wake but finding no strength
trying to speak with sand on my teeth
sweeping the floor and shifting the walls
chanting the prayers
throwing frisbees of lace
how can I sprint with skis on my feet
raging red sun bursting with ice
crazy these dreams unpacking my head

@journeyofdays

sitting on perfectly plumped cushioned couches
pursing their perfectly distorted, plumped and filled lips
attempting to smile and express emotion across unmoving skin
polished and smoothed  
talons painted hideous brash colours
tearing each other apart with foul-mouthed school yard taunts
each trying to be more outraged and outrageous than the other
hideous display of eye rolling passed off as moral high ground
screaming  banshees are more palatable than these housewives en masse

@journeyofdays

that ocean
yeah
cried that one
land reclamation now underway

@journeyofdays

what happened  
no longer matters
no
I am not finished

@journeyofdays

I. antemortem
from this place, further along this journey of days
antemortem, would I …
take the path
say nothing
submit to the pain
still believe it was worth it
avoid cataclysm
fight harder
not fight at all
believe in a higher cause
endure the torture
deny my nature
avoid the execution
accept the cup
walk into that storm again

II. postmortem
from this place, further along this journey of days
postmortem, could I
walk in that desert
get totally lost
live without hope
not haunt myself
see the outcome
park my brain
know that it will end
suffer with gratitude
exist
forgive myself
accept the loss
forgive them
not want death
skip this part
willingly submit to it again

III. antenatal
from this place, further along this journey of days
antenatal, I understand
impacts of trauma
being empty
processes of grief
some wounds heal
… others do not
manifestations of evil
fighting to live
seeking control
...and never getting it
human frailty
frailty of mind
reconstructing a mind
listening to quiet
struggling for reason
struggling for purpose
seeking pain
going backwards
pulling together the threads
becoming
submitting to time

IV. postnatal*
ut consilium*

@journeyofdays

IV. postnatal
ut consilium...repris


things are looking up when
you look in the mirror and you don’t scare yourself
recognise the person you see there
arrive before you leave
stay the course
take people at face value
can meet with friends
laugh
turn your face forward and there is no crick in your neck
your muscles ache
because you worked hard
get used to this
you want this to be your new normal
see a future even if it is just tomorrow
yes, hopeful...repris

@journeyofdays

holding this vigil for you my friend
as you face your demons
you are not alone
facing your future
by addressing your past

surrounded by angels
swords drawn and prepared to defend
you will stand firm
for every blow rain down kisses
repay every rage with love
with gentleness and compassion

pass from child to man
by giving the gift to the broken
those so consumed by hate and twisted by fate
that they can no longer
speak the truth that ferments inside them
a permission for your own transformation

forgive
and you will be free
to grow beyond the chains
those weights that have held you down
crushing your heart
you will leave this holding pattern
and live

@journeyofdays

perfect porcelain exterior
up close
you are crazed like mad

@journeyofdays

this gulf expanding between us
what passed for bridges have been washed away
the docks were torn down when the emissaries no longer sailed
nobody has seen a boat in years
sensibly no one offers to fly in the air space above the turbulent void

are you willing to chart the course once more
or do we turn to other shores
to cast our nets
avoiding the invading ocean
where there be dragons

@journeyofdays

to heal
really heal
you have to want to
desperately

@journeyofdays

I know you were here
the bed is still warm

@journeyofdays

watching
from not quite the shadow
but the phase of light
just inside the rings
radiating out from the candle
here I can see the others
watching
if I time it perfectly
in that phase of light
just inside the rings
they
      cannot
                 see
                        me
                             watching

@journeyofdays

yep
team meeting
they can’t see me
but I can hear and see them
bored as…

I know they will see the analytics and
will know I was bored
disengaged
looking at other **** on the ‘net
bored as...

I know it is their first web meeting
but hell they are bad,
just talk people as if we were in the room with you
make it real please
bored as…

If they asked me what I thought?
will I tell them I wrote this?
bored as….

#thisjourneyofdays

These were never an option
never going to happen
we cannot change the past
why do I entertain the possibilities of what if?


Tempting me with an alternative
alternative what?
outcome…
was that alternative there when I was living the moment?
no..
what if ...dancing across my…


What if I…
said
walked
hit back
shook it off
didn’t buy into the lie


Following the path of
What if…
working through the flow
of choices
branches of
paths that will never be
can never be


What if is a...
madness
trapping me…
in the past
in a falsehood
in a maze with no exit
an infinite fallout
a theory of string


What if…
never was …never will

#thisjourneyofdays

What if you never…
went skiing
...with that girl
broke your toe
missed your gig

What if I never…
just turned up
played your gig
came back the next week

we would never be….

#thisjourneyofdays

go
where
anywhere you are
yeah I can do that

@journeyofdays

travel now to places
suggested while conscious
sighted in dreams
debated in ancient halls
and scribed in manuscripts
memorised charts
impressed in our hearts
determined by choice
whispering...come home
called
hear
travel now to places
born on the anguish and tears
of those still seeking
while conscious
daring to dream
debating in ancient halls
reading manuscripts
chanting cartography
schooling our hearts
discerning choice
and listen for our whisper
to come home


@journeyofdays

wild
it has come
returning
rushing in with churning winds
whipping up frenzy
spitting rain peppered with detris
this time wild
I know
I can outrun you

@journeyofdays

this story needs wine
a lot
medication for the body
balm for the soul
a temporary escape
to tell the tale and live
without the burden of fear

@journeyofdays

started down this path
will you be there at end

@journeyofdays

how does this work
you get me as a job
did you have someone else
you know
before me
how did that work out

protection, protecting me
is that what you do
protect me from myself
well that is a challenge
I guess
that is a full time gig

how do we do this
not sure
do I need to ask
the question
is this a one way thing
or will I know, feel your voice

@journeyofdays

now tapped

words pour out

in endless streams

some pooling together

agitating then cooperating

around a thought

@journeyofdays

you think I do not care
but you are wrong

@journeyofdays

the table is cleared and linens are washed
plates put away and silver ensconced
body is tired but mind is at rest
yes, this is happy
it has been a while
and ****, it feels good

@journeyofdays

keeps me here
slows my mind, my heart
settles me in the present
holding me firm
keeping me standing

as I face down hell

Daedalus review your plans

these walls crumble

no longer holding

@journeyofdays

cunningly wrought
will I be able to escape my thoughts

@journeyofdays

foolish men  

cannot outrun

evil

spawned of pride and arrogance

@journeyofdays

fallen nature
are we more than we observe in ourselves

@journeyofdays

there are no athenian heroes here
the minotaur runs riot

@journeyofdays

malevolent spirits have escape
the traps designed to bind them


@journeyofdays

explain how patterned stone
arrests the evil
seeking my destruction

@journeyofdays

the exits are not marked

finding the way by feeling

@journeyofdays