i cried yesterday,
though not because i miss you.

i cried for the person you used to be.
i cried over the boy who couldn't sing
(but i loved when you did)
i cried over the boy whose laugh lit up the room
(and i selfishly loved being the cause of it)
i cried over the boy who would do anything for anyone
(even someone as unworthy as myself)
i cried over the boy who
taught me the video games he played on sad days
(and was patient even when i smashed buttons)
i cried over the boy who cried during my favorite movies
(even though some parts were drowned out by electric touch on my skin)
i cried over the boy who believed he would spend forever with me
(but forever is relative, isn't it?)

i cried yesterday,
though not because i miss you
(even though i’m sure you’d like to think so).

i cried for the person you used to be.

i've begun to notice
the end of love is a bit like cancer

in the beginning stages,
you may not even notice
anything is wrong.
once in awhile,
something out of the ordinary occurs
and you convince yourself
you have control

then, you're in denial of the disease.

don't be ridiculous,
i'm fine.
we're fine.

exponentially it gets worse
out of your control

until one morning you wake up
to clumps of hair on your pillow from
the attempts to stop the
disease
and you're left embarrassed
vulnerable
stripped of your will and
energy

until finally,
you give in.
you're defeated.
you're both defeated.
all you can do is wait
for it to conquer you

and even if you heal
you know you'll never be the same
you'll always be scarred

i guess you could say i'm successful
i guess you could say i have potential
i guess you could say i have a bright future
but at what cost?

if your life is
pouring over endless pages and
vocabulary words
saturday classes and
the endless typing of monotonous papers
are you really living?

i want to be like the girls
who wear tight dresses
and drink too much on friday night

i want to point to a place on my map
pack up my things
and make new adventures

i want to feel the exhilaration
of falling through life
with no idea where i'm going to end up

i'm so tired of being
sensible
i want to be alive

it kills me to say this
but i've forgotten what your voice sounds like

it's been twenty-one days
and i am alive
(sometimes)

i want to drown myself in drugs
i want to drown myself in Jesus
i want to drown myself in self-loathing
i want to drown myself in you

the thought of kissing you
brought me solace on
sleepless nights
now it's the source of
my worst nightmares

i tried making dreams my reality
and reality my dreams
but you haunt every crack and crevice
of my being
i can't dust the places i can't reach

i am not well.

i am what you need
let's get drunk off of each other
we have nothing else

let's go far away
take me on an adventure
i will follow you

kiss me while i sleep
i am sick of being alone
i'd love to love you

it's four a.m. and i'm craving my best friend

i want the unconditional love
that makes up for heated arguments

i want to hear the story behind every scar

i want to see the side
no one else sees

i want to see your psyche torn
open for me to embrace

i want to feel black curls against
my fingertips and
warm mouth pressed against my own

regretful secrets

if the boy who was
infatuated
with me were still here
who knows what i would do

but for now it's four a.m.
and when i wake up
reality will smother us

i tore apart a white rose today
i tore apart
innocence
purity
spirituality
sympathy

how ironic.

i saw a tan old station wagon chugging down the road
i saw
passion
fear
excitement
beginnings

i look at you
i do not see
love
care
fondness
strength

i see a corpse.

"hi."
"hi, how are you?"
"hey, how would you feel about going out this friday?"
"hey, did you have fun last night?"
"let's do last friday again sometime."
"hey, cutie pie."
"hey, sweetheart."
"think about me at school today."
"good morning, beautiful."
"don't forget that i love you."
"i will always love you, darling."
"hey, i know it's getting hard, but the two of us can get through anything."
"i miss you."
"you'll be okay. i promise."
"just because this happened, doesn't mean i will forget you."
"hey, sorry it's been so long. how are you?"
"hope you're doing well."
"hi."
silence.

it's all too easy to
revisit old habits

familiarity gently strokes my
long hair after trauma
as he plots to cut away at me
with a friendly grin on his face

until i fully realize
familiar is not always synonymous with comfortable
i will continue to tell myself
to stop searching for happiness
in the place that i lost it.

she's the girl you meet
when you're young and reckless

you meet her when
you were expecting another pack of cigarettes
to add to your chain smoking addiction

everyone leaves her
because she is the epitome of
fuzzy blankets
reckless abandon
hopeful sunsets
long terms
unconditional love

and after they realize
the depth of the scars on her heart
they're gone
no explanation

"someday you'll find someone who deserves you"
"don't give up on love because of me, they're not all this bad"
and the worst,
"you're still my best friend"

until someone realizes
she is content with imperfection

she will always be alone

three
i admire daddy for shooting a big buck. i name the deer "sparky."

four
my favorite part about school is learning to read books all by myself.

six
i don't let mama pick out my clothes anymore. my favorite outfit is purple sweatpants with a red sweater.

seven
i got detention for spitting on a boy. i cried for weeks.

ten*
my best friend in the world moved an hour away. at least i still have harry potter and despereaux to keep me company.

eleven
the boy who plays the lead in the musical is the cutest boy i've ever seen.

twelve
the boy who played the lead in the musical likes me back.

thirteen
i catch myself staring absently at walls often. i'm disgusted with my body. i haven't eaten in days. my chest always aches. i've lost most of my friends because they've grown annoyed with how much time i spend with a boy. i'm never happy unless i'm with him. he's my whole world.

fourteen
the boy who played the lead in the musical shattered me. i don't want to be alive. i keep leaning over the toilet trying to get rid of what's eating me from the inside out, but nothing ever comes up. he promises we will always be friends. i stay up late screaming every night.

fifteen
a boy pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. he's dated tons of girls, but he thinks i'm different. he likes to read and listen to music. he says i'm the best kisser. he distracts me from the pain, and i'm constantly afraid he's going to leave me without ever speaking a word to me again. i'm so afraid, i stop focusing in class. the boy who played the lead in the musical hasn't talked to me since he walked me to the school counselor a year ago.

sixteen
my big group of friends and i go to dinner at applebee's. i just got my driver's license and a black 1999 oldsmobile alero. i have a few people i can go to if i can't do it alone. i can pull myself back after a relapse. i don't depend my life on anyone but myself. i might just be a bit numb, but things haven't been this great in a long time.

I left you five hours ago and I miss you so much that it physically hurts me.
I understand that I am being excessive, but it is a feeling I cannot ignore.
And I have not felt this way in a long time.
I miss getting breakfast with you and eating an enormous omelette without feeling guilt. Sitting across from you in a coffee shop, admiring the way your eyes seem to glow in the dim light. Your head on my lap as I read Gaiman (you told me I have a lovely voice). I miss doing absolutely nothing with you for the entire day and feeling more fulfilled than if I had been busy and productive.
I have not felt this way in a long time.
You've reminded me that holding someone close should cause a continuous, comforting burn in your heart. That drinking with one person you love can be a lot more fun than going to parties (even when you drink too much and I have to take care of you the next day). That alone is not always better. You've reminded me that writing your feelings down soothes the pain.
I left you five hours ago and I will feel a gaping empty space until I see you again.

it scares me that our time together is limited.
for now we are having so much fun together. for now we are having so much fun exploring castles and singing and listening to the sounds of the ice cracking and drinking together and exploring every little fragment of each other for the first time.
your  glowing smile and the way you look in my sweaters knocks me the **** out. you say nice things to me and tell me it's because i deserve it; even though you always remind me of this, it still blows me away. your voice is so gentle when you sing to me. i could never grow tired of you.
i believe that i make you happy. i help you look at things in a new perspective, which is exactly what you say you're looking for. the way i look you in the eyes and gratefully accept every aspect of you makes you overflow with joy. your heart aches when i go.
but soon this unfamiliarity will leave—
will you follow it?

no matter how much attention boys give me
no matter how many compliments i get
i am alone
and i miss your shoulder

no matter how many nights i cry myself to sleep
no matter how many saturdays i spend in my room
i am alone
and i miss your voice on the other end of the line

no matter how many books i read
no matter how many of your worlds i spend time in
i am alone
and i crave your embrace

i am alone
i am alone
i am alone

treading in
being good
but not good enough
being close
but never quite there

paddling through
exercise quality
determining how well i will feed myself
compulsively squeezing
stomach, thighs, arms
knowing i could be more
if i could somehow be less

drowning in
continuous second guessing
and the slow burn of jealousy
that roils in the pit of my stomach
begging for reassurance

i wish i knew how to float