A place that reminds me
of the softer memories buried deep,
deep inside my head.
Those indistinct blurs of pine
and nothingness once again
gain meaning as memories from
a thousand miles away,
from another land,
come rushing home.
*What the time fades,
the cold brings back.

My stupid phone doesn't work properly. It's old and it's slow and its battery dies a lot. The thing is, when I don't know what to do or who to talk to, and all I have to pull out is my phone, I can't play games or surf the net, because of my phone's inabilities. I need to look busy so instead I end up going back to all my message conversations. And then your name appears and I notice your group texts again and begin scrolling up and back into time and get to the point where my replies start and becomes more and more frequent. And then words start appearing that I had never said to anyone else before. And just like that I'm thrown back to that time, the butterflies and confusion. While everyone else around me is bored with Facebook. Joke's on them? No, joke's on me. My stupid phone's inabilities have a way of playing with me you see, so that boredom turns into reliving our memories. And then I don't feel like being around people with their phones out anymore.

Tama pala
Ang sabi nila,
Ang bawal ay mas masarap nga!

Ba't dito ako napadpad?
Hirap umusad.
Mata laging sayo lumilipad.

Gustong kausapin
Ngunit walang sasabihin
Ikaw na unang pumansin sa akin.

Pagaalala,
Ako ba'y umaasa
Ikaw na nga ba ang aking tala?

Deretsyohin mo ako
Ano'ng saloobin mo?
Ng maka-move na sa damdaming ito.

This is what I feared would happen.
That you would prove me wrong,
And by wrong I mean right.

That all the doubts I had in the beginning,
Would make themselves come true.

That I would set my eyes on you,
And begin to see a glow.

That you would feed off of my emotions,
And make me forget for more than a second,
Black holes don't turn into stars.

When I say I understand you,
It doesn't mean you we're right and I was wrong.
It means even though I stand by what I said or did,
I will choose to ignore my feelings,
In favor of yours.

Naiinis ako sa mga hipokrito
Na ginagawa sa iba
Ang ayaw nilang gawin sa kanila.

Naiinis ako sa mga makasarili
Na kaya kong unawain
Ngunit hind magbibigay ng oras na intindihin ako.

Naiinis ako sa kanya
Dahil nalilito ako.

Naiinis ako sa kanya
Dahil nililito ako.

Naiinis ako sayo
Kasi ayaw mo akong tigilan.

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko
Dahil ang mundo ay bilog nga
At alam kong lahat ng kinaiinisan ko
Sa akin din nagsisimula.

Hay nako,
Bakit ganto?
Di makatulog dahil sa'yo.

Replyan mo 'ko please!
'Di ko na matiis!
Kelangan ko lang 'tong ma-release!

Gusto kita ,
Ngunit nahihiya.
Iniisip mo parin ba siya?

Pwede bang me nalang,
Poging nilalang?
Effort saki'y 'di masasayang!

I'm not confrontational.
I can't deal with things in my life like I should.

Don't worry lovely girl,
Your special words are not to be apologized for.

Does me writing now
mean that I've once again gone and
purposely fallen into a new hole?

The feeling returns
in the pit of my everything
that I am suffocating, intentionally,
and frustrated for doing so.

Confusion, flusters, guilt, you.

Tell me,
how do you do it?
How do you let yourself
look someone in the eye,
and know with confidence
that your feelings cannot
bother you any longer?
How do you become
numb as you so often tell me you are?
Do you feed me your sweet words and
false hopes?

Or have you really, in fact, found the key
to immortality?

Why do I always gotta go and ruin something beautiful?

You and me
Sitting in the night
Stars speeding by
Never fading lights

Words spewing out
Speaking with eyes
Minds running wild
Silence on the rise

Time is all the same
No fear of running out
When I'm with you
The clock comes to a halt

Now that things have calmed down,
I think of you less.

I fear the feelings
and words and poems
and feelings and emotions
and songs
were brought on by the rush of moments,

Nothing more than sweet escapes with consequences,
stress-relievers that came with their own stresses.

There's nothing
quite like
revisiting the music
that releases you;
and having it
make you remember
that in spite of everything,

you are loved.

Stick rods in my brain and
Shock me awake;
To get my attention
I fear that's what it would take.

And so now here I am. Thinking about what you’ve done, and what I could’ve done instead - realizing that you told me all I needed to know in the beginning. I ignored what you said and chose to listen to what you did. Actions speak louder than words. The phrase slips into my mind yet again. What a fool I was. Statements like these can't become life quotes. Sometimes I guess the truth is in the form of words. Like I said you told me all I needed to know.

The one time your words told the truth, you let your actions lie.

I won't let you sing me a song
Especially not that song.
Don't misinterpret me, my love,
Your voice isn't the problem,

It's just that I can be a pessimist you see,
And I fear that when what we have is over
and you have broken my heart,
You will have ruined my favorite song too.

You don't love me...
You just love the thought of loving me.

We both conversed
about our common
dislike of showing
vulnerability in
front of others.

I was moved
when I told you
my story,
holding back tears

And when I was done,
You cried for me.

I want to make my own money.
I want my own job.
I want my own place.
I want my own friends.
I want to be independent.
I want to meet someone special.
I want to get heartbroken.
I want to be lost.
I want to be found.
I want to learn the value of things.
I want to experience on my own.
I want to feel comfortable being sad.
I want to know God.
I want to feel free.
I want to feel happy.
I want to be loved.
I want to feel ready to return Home.

I merge clips.
I merge audio and video,
sound and pictures.

That's all I merge;
For fear of disrupting
this natural order
I have constructed.

But tonight I merged
two separate lives I owned
And to my surprise,
things turned out okay.

Kung sabihin mo sa aking hindi seryoso ang paghalik mo sa kanya,
Paano pa kaya yung mga matamis na salitang pinaparinig mo sa akin?
Sabi nga nila diba,
*actions speak louder than words.

that take the life out of us,
that make us feel worthless,
that remind us we are imperfect,
that show people what's underneath.
the moments that let people in,
that force us to be humble,
that make us exercise trust,
that show we are vulnerable,
that give us more questions that answers;

here's to the moments that just seem to take without giving
that make us put everything on hold,
that let us take risks,
that make us rethink,
that let us be bold.

here's to the moments that make us feel alive.

I have never fallen in love,
at least that's what I allow myself to believe.
I haven't gone mad for anyone or
done the crazy things that I should do if I were in love.

I've never had someone say they loved me.
I've never been fancied by someone I fancied.
I've thought, "He must like me"
I've been happy for weeks knowing he likes me...
I've fallen from the sky knowing how wrong I was.

I've thought he made me believe he loved me.
I'd like to believe he was playing with me,
or even playing me,
But not even that.

How could I have loved anyone then,
when there was no one to love?
No one I should have fallen for.

But why then do they say that I must
have fallen in love at some point of this life of mine?
After not allowing myself to believe I had,
I confronted myself.

Why do I see his face in the children
who merely lift their eyebrows?
Why do I always see that smile of his,
even when we never met up again?
Why do I feel pained and at the same time happy
that he is happy, with someone else?

And then I come to the realization
that I could have loved,
a long time ago
when he sat next to me.
And maybe even I did love.

For he didn't need to do
anything to receive this emotion.
His being was all he needed
for my inexperienced heart to turn towards him,
and not be his... but definitely turn towards him.

And with his ignorance,
or maybe not-so-ignorant self
He scarred my heart with his indifference.
Yet not a scar of hate or heartbreak--
but one of remembrance that won't leave.

So did I ever love?

I really don't know.

That's what I want, darling
To be recognized,
Selfish as it may sound.

I dreamed that things were not as they seem
That knives shone and glass did indeed gleam

I dreamed of a world of fairy tales,
Of magic, sparkle, and singing whales

I dreamed you were standing by the shore, so was I,
So were peach castles and the sound of a lullaby

I dreamed that you turned to me to say...
whisper in my ear, love on your fa--*

A sound jolts me awake, you hold a blade to my throat
And you have on your favorite mask and that coat

There is no one to hear my screams.
Next time I won't dream.
Things are not at all as they seem.

I was wrong,
about you.
I'm sorry.
I thought you
were someone else.

and yet I should
have seen it coming.
The way you
put your arm
around me
but kept that smirk
on your lips.

Your laugh that
could have been so
easily misinterpreted,
was intended to do
just that.

Your words and games
had made me alive.
Your words and games
now make part of me
feel broken.

Why did you bother?
Tell me that.
Tell me what
your motives were.
I'm curious.

But still,
don't worry, dear,
all these are just words.
I'll get over you.
It's just that for now
all I can think about
is the fact that
I was wrong:
you didn't care.

Ano pa ba ang aking masasabi, kung hindi ka makikinig?

Let me show you colors.
Let me show you lights in the darkness of night.
I want you to see the vibrant reflections of water drops on glass,
The people whizzing by in blurs.

Lend me your ears.
I want you to hear the sounds of the streets.
The buzzes and beeps of a world far from sleep
Though the moon sits in simple silence.

Give me your hands.
I will guide you through the dark.
Past the brilliance of the the things you see,
And the resounding noise of the things you hear.

'Till you fear them no more.

I want to know you, to see your words
And know they come from a place
Deep within you.

I want to know you, to understand
That you are the only you
There are mysteries only you can hide.

I want to know you, to hear your voice
To feel your passion and your pain
To see what you burn for.

I want to know you, to know you
Whether you want
To get to know me too, or not.

Anything's easy,
When you are anonymous.
Being named is hard.