i stand on the edge,
toes curled over,
urging me to step forward,
just one step,
just one,
you can do it,
believe,
step,
step...

the wind whips by me,
grabbing my hair as if trying to pull me towards it,
and i close my eyes;
if i close my eyes it doesn't seem so scary,
if i close my eyes i could just be walking down the street,
close your eyes,
eyes closed...

i don't hear anything any more.
the people in my classes,
dogs barking in backyards,
no more satellites.
i pass faces in the hallway but all they are are smudges.
it's like i'm part of this modern art piece but i don't know who the artist is.
god?
are you there?
no answer.
but maybe i'm screaming into an empty sky.

below me is the sea.
an ocean of pebbles and grass,
rolling what seems to be a mile down.
four stories can seem like a lifetime to be falling.
falling,
falling,
free-fall,
no destination,
my final destination.

from my trestle i take one last surveillance of the world i know.

my body goes limp...




then he grabs me.

i heard the siren.
    i heard the shrieks tear through the night,
but i couldn’t see anything.
    i thought i felt your hand,
but my fingers grasped at shreds of cloth
    and all i found was theft.

a sudden breath of air,
    my arms dancing by my sides-
my body knew this routine but my mind didn’t.
    my bloodstream suddenly infected,
i realize i lost count.

a tiny white gateway.
    it sneaks down my throat,
makes a home in my abandoned shack of a body.
    not long now…

and i wondered-
    "is this what it's like to be dead?"
there’s no one waiting for me.
    not anymore.

so you can call, my friend.
    but i won't hear you.
my eyes don’t search anymore,
    i'm not coming home.

the glow that once came from my house will be dim.
    because sometimes
        the lights
            don’t
                turn
                   ­ on.

the blankness
utter blankness
spiraling through the night
trying to latch on
no i say
let go of me
shaking it off
feeling it's teeth sink in once more
i go limp
the stars above start to spin
and my mouth goes dry
i cannot feel anymore
just my senses and i
alone

oh liar, liar
accusations shared by ear
finding awful truth

i often thought that life would falter
that the sun would set too early one day,

and everything would be gone in a flash.

what i did would be in vain,

and my story would disintegrate into a distant memory of some mysterious girl.

i wondered if it was worth it.

but life is only what you make of it,

so i try to make it memorable.

though the memories will all be gone one day,

and i will be no more.

the cozy nights in
spent cuddled up next to you
my serenity

she always stays up
through the night, hunched over art
her eyes wide awake

a bump on the skin
foreign abnormality
that i must have missed

the sky a faint grey
suddenly turned black as night
wind roars, thunder cracks

i'm not your baby
you must have mistaken me
for someone you knew

something lingers in the air
   after you have left

perhaps it's your perfume
   but maybe it's the ***** on your breath

it both consoles me
   and worries me

the fact that your presence
   never leaves

maybe it's symbolic of how
   you never leave my thoughts

you're in the little things i do
   or experience

always on my mind
   you're always there

solitude of art
long nights in the studio
paint my only friend

america spoke
they want a new man in charge
is this when i leave?

the bewildered man
stumbles through his strict routine
say, cherchez la femme

i remember your scent
it stained my favorite place to kiss on your neck,
and just behind your ear where you always nervously tucked your hair

i remember your flavor
the way your lips tasted like hope,
and the sweet tang of licking you off of my fingers

i remember your touch
how your palms where smooth like silk but your knuckles were hard and cracked,
and how our bodies felt when your bare skin rubbed against mine

i remember your sound
the way your morning voice resonated like you smoked two packs a day,
and how your moans were like the cries of angels

i remember the sight of you
how freckles were sprinkled across your cheeks,
and when your hair fell around your face and over your shoulders you looked a lioness

you awoke all five of my senses,
and you won't soon be forgotten

the world can be cold
cruel, unforgiving, horrid
but sometimes there's warmth

right before you kiss
that fraction of a second
words cannot describe

mailing the letter
sealing love in envelopes
a kiss for a stamp

her hands exploring
every inch of my body
shivers wouldn't stop

oh the agony
waiting by the phone for you
but it never rings

writing poetry, for me, has become like a eating disorder.
although instead of consuming,
i'm the one producing.

each day i strive for this unattainable image,
this glorified idea of what i might become,
and the parasite in my brain grows.

i force my finger down my throat,
causing words to come bubbling up.
and each time they are more vile than the last,
a sour odor wafting from them.

my mouth burns from the acid but it tastes like victory.
because at least i created something.
and i leave my poetry there to rot,
refusing to admit i have a problem.

too blind to understand that each time i do this i'm slowly killing myself.
i'm hungry for something that can sustain me,
but i reject every antidote.

bubblegum popping
you reminded me of sin
with scent sickly sweet

people were staring
the mark on my cheek speaking
words i dare not say

chemicals wafting
the sharp smell stings my nostrils
but it feels so good

little ******
innocence stolen too young
a saddening sight

a ride on the bus
sitting in the back row
staring out windows

you know better than to fall in love with me.

you know better than to look at me with those pleading eyes of yours.

because you know i am weak and will always give in.

i don't want to have to wake up early in the morning just to escape through the window,

because i know you'll be crushed to find my side of the bed cold once again.

if you pull my sweater like that i may just fall...

but i'm afraid to fall back into love.

so for now please behave yourself and keep your hands at your sides.

this is the only way- i don't want to hurt you.

but you know if you give me that smile i will always fall back into your bed.

i'll always come back.

cookie tins and tea
your faded grade school drawings
and her chipped birdbath

afternoon kisses
hand grazing over your thigh
naughty intentions

a broken mug.
a shattered piece of pottery lying in a puddle of three hour old coffee
(black with two sugars, just the way you like it).

that was the last straw for you.
the end of us.

i didn't mean to knock it over.
i was just trying to move my easel,
but in the process the handle got caught and your cup went flying.

against the door frame it hit,
the thundering smash amplified in my horror.
it was like watching a trainwreck in slow motion.

i quickly tried to clean it up,
but as i heard your footsteps going down the stairs i could feel my heart sink.

when you entered the look on your face made me freeze in my tracks.
the twisted rage in your eyes was enough to send me cowering.

apologizing was my only strategy,
wails of "i'm sorry!" rang through the house.
you raised your hand to strike me,
and i waited...

but nothing came.
you stood above me, as powerful as a hurricane, but you did not move.
instead you opened your mouth.

every hurtful thing you could think of came spewing out,
digging up incidents from months ago,
you knew exactly what would tear me to pieces.

i sat there taking it all in,
hoping that you'd let it all out.
but every word that seeped through your teeth was a slash to my heart;
i think i would have rather had the fist.

and then the worst thing you could've said-
"we're over."
just like that you were storming out of the house, grabbing your things.

i was crying and pleading, begging you to stay,
but you were gone.
i watched you get in your car and drive away.

another broken relationship.
you left me crumbled on the ground sobbing, only one thought running through my mind.

"it was just a mug."

my insomnia;
i'm awake at 4am
thinking about you.

not a day goes by
that i do not think of you
and how you left me

i'm a broken mess
this pile of flesh and bones
doesn't feel like home

i always wanted to believe in the goodness of people.
i always sought to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
i always strived to go above and beyond to make others happy.

but what was it all for?
in trying so hard to help everyone else,
i lost myself in the process.
who am i anymore?
i don't know my soul.

this person, this being, i don't know myself!
it was so frightening.
i'm trying to regain a sense of self awareness,
to find out who the **** i am.

but until then,
until i find every piece of the scavenger hunt,
please be patient with me.
i need some time for self discovery.

there's nothing better
than a warm embrace after
the coldest silence

vivid imagery
plays through my dangerous mind
like an ancient film

boiling hatred
rises from the depths of me
directed at you

miniature casket, hearts full of regret

a winding pathway
leads to where i dare not roam
still i venture on

her fingers dance
over flower petals.

the pinkish hue
slowly turning to red.

as the movement quickens,
her digits dampen.

the soft caressing
escalating to furious fondling.

the sheen of her skin
is bright from the sweat.

angelic moans escape her lips,
and her back arches.

the ****** of the story-
after all, this is what she came for.

how can what feels so heavenly
be considered so unholy?

i used to pray once
when i believed in winged men
and life after death

a kiss, my dear,
for old times sake.
swallow your pride
and just let go.

please embrace me
like you used to.
i want to feel
longing again.

emotions gone,
missing once more.
i do not know
if i'll survive.

holes in my heart
that you once filled,
are cavernous
craters, i know.

but move forward,
i tell myself.
do not look back,
smile through pain.

a dream is a wish
that your heart makes late at night
whilst gazing at stars

as i hug your body close to mine,
i feel my grasp tighten,
and my fingers clutch at folds of fabric.

this goodbye will break me.
you're the only thing holding me up,
and the second i let go i will crumble.

how could i become so dependent,
on you,
on this single soul?

be strong, they say, be fearless,
because fear is the enemy.
i ignored them.

but as i stand here,
holding you in an embrace for the last time,
every ounce of me is filled with remorse.

i regret not doing so many things,
simply because i was too afraid to.
fear was the enemy.

lessons learnt far too late,
my courage only now found.
but you're already gone.

words escape my lips
      before i can restrain them

they are brutal murderers
      cold and unforgiving

i wonder if i'll get a life sentence
      for the things i have said

is there is a possibility of parole?
      or simply a life behind bars?

my own danger shocks me
      rattles me to the core

i never knew i could be capable of such things
      never knew i could say that to someone i loved so dearly

but the words are gone
      drifting in the breeze

constantly searching until they reach
      the ears of the person they will hurt most

the silence is killing me.
     everyday we don't talk feels like eternity.

your blank stares are painful.
     it's enough to make me go mental.

i try to excuse you.
     but do you know what i'm going through?

moons are out tonight
orbiting softly, unseen
just beyond planets

a piece of advice-
don't let moments pass you by
fear's the enemy

gestures unnoticed
a crime oh so trivial
yet it hurts the most

the sun disappears
some say the world goes to sleep
but really it wakes