Dear insecure, emotional, overthinking young man

you've come a long way from way back then

you've lost a lot - but had to realize "who hasn't?"

your strong will seemed to be mistaken a lot from your passion

you've missed out on a lot of love by second guessing & never unmasking

why weren't you truly ever satisfied... nah, that's the question that I'm asking...

your abandonment issues pushed away the potential of something ever lasting

constantly fighting the man in the mirror

hopefully with your new life - you see things clearer

no one ever knew, with you...who they were gonna get

you've missed out on a lot of good times wanting to talk

instead of just letting it go and enjoying the time you had left.

Your favorite pills were self pity, self indulgence, ignorance and regret

you never stopped to listen - stopped talking - hopefully now you allow others words to be said

no woman stood a chance... you purposely acted a certain way to avoid the possibility of true love

discretely pushing them away until they saw nothing and had enough.

don't get me started on your lack of living

missed out on a lot of trips, chances and opportunities

I hope now you've filled that void that is missing

you swore happiness was wealth... power...a line of respect

little did you know it was the little things; the calm, the moments
the people and things in life worth it and willing to invest.

you gave up on a few dreams... figured why fight?

countless times your mind would just run... keep you up all night

you were so afraid of success... honestly, I never knew why

you never freed that little boy trapped - stuck in his father's grasp

he was begging for freedom, you left him struck inside

everyday was another day you thought was your time.

I hope you live now

I hope you see the beauty life truly is

I hope you found love

I hope you found this

I needed to write this letter to you - so you can see how far you have come

you can see that change is real

you can see all that you have become

Bland Douglas Simpkins,

that's the man you should be proud to be

no matter what challenges you were faced with

those obstacles were needed, needed to make it to this me

thank those who've came into your life - not all were meant to last

some forced you left - others showed you right

no matter what, some were needed in your past.

So...

Dear future self,

please understand - I'm sorry. For all that I put you through

the truth remains - that without me - just know...

there would be no you.

the bass hits, the drum rolls
Being a victim of a spilt decision of a racial war at 10 years old
Was never told, a way to be, but my fathers legacy, made me look at one side painfully cold
Wide awake, as I lay my head
On the belief my kind is dead
The proper stereotype of a white kid
But the preference to black kids outfit
Putin on a show, to simply fit in
Not knowin were the **** I should of truly been
The constant pain of feelin like ****
A young man who is confusingly mixed...
...
I see a star who shines bright, in a darken night,
Did you know, not all stars shine white?
They're shades of black, just remember that...why couldn't I see this logic way back?
Another poser, who's addicted to rap..
"Ya not black" like what kind of stupid **** is that?
You speak a way, but was always consider white
Do you see the mixed feeling? ******* mixed signs!?
Why can't ya accept me for just me?
Why can't ya just learn to love me?
Why who I am means I have act a certain way!?
that kinda **** makes me doubt people everyday!
My verses struggle with a troubled hook!
Can you see me now? Have you even looked?
A black father, who showed me fear
A white mother, who's voice I hear!
Another song, sharing my lies!
Another fight, with my dark side!
When will ya get it and just put this **** to rest? You judge so much, make it hard to be my best
Your words are a bullet! Penetratin my chest, I done clean up my act but you keep making another mess
I'm tired of trying to please you, tired of trying to defeat you
Ya minds are so glassy, it obvious to see through. *******, be gone! Stop and please carry on! Fly away! Take a trip don't tell me when ya landin
You all pushed me so much...........yet I'm still standin...standin...standin....but I will be gone, soon.

I'm a realist, mildly an idealist.
My ideas create a mindset that allows me to express feelings
But I built up a wall, high as a skyscraper..I stand, as a realist I know if I jump, I'm bound to meet my maker. I don't think idealist are weak.
I just think they escape the honesty they seek.
You don't walk a straight line in order for you to finally reach your peak.
Obstacles come and go, water is a need if you want to grow, you can't have a lightbulb without an idea and expect it to magically glow.
I know every action I do and especially when I am wrong but, I just won't rewrite all my wrongs, they inspire all of my greatest songs.

Optimistic that I'll make it, I just need more effort than 50 percent
because you get what you put in, as a realist I know if you put in half, half back is all you will ever get.
People remember your mistakes, the heroics they just simply forget.
I can't stand when people think it's okay to live a life without any regrets.

Sure things happen for a reason and karma "may" have your enemies morally bleeding, but your ideology sounds misguiding and thought process misleading. Karma is an excuse to allow a higher calling contribute to your spiteful abuse, you don't want the crime on your soul so you allow the angels to fatally shoot. It's fine, before we die, we all commit a crime.
Women ****, men steal, just being in love should require you to do time.

Born a realist sinner...far from an idealist winner
Success doesn't come over night
The sweet life doesn't come until after you've made your dinner..and cleaned the plate, but we're never satisfied...nah, we going to probably eat again late.
Work hard for the dream, don't just rely on faith.
A realist knows she may not show up, even when you scheduled a date.
It's all love to the victims, stuck in a fiction. If you hate this piece...your ignorance got you unable to listen.
Not my problem though. I'm speaking without any permission! I like that idea...oh ****, wait...I think I just become my own contradiction?
...forget it, I'm healing, my words and unpredictable wisdom, I am still dealing.
Insanity is a fear that is expressed towards you when others have confusion
A realist, an idealist..no one is right...our concepts to each other seem all an illusion.

-Dougie simps

Break it down, move it to the rhythm
Watch me spit a slick verse as the bass captivates the women.
Lets sip away the problems like "f@$k it let's forget em!"
Drinkin with all my enemies like "f@$k it, I forgive em!"
I'm back....
Let the haters just hate
We to busy writing our story on how too become great!
As the stars become my vision and the money on my mind
More money, mo problems
That's a simple biggie line
Growing up doing fine, passion fulfills his insides
Follow him on this journey
promise it'll all come in time!
Motivation in his eyes, dark glasses, blurred lines...you can't cool down his fire! He's heating up! Watch him as he rise!
#RISE

Sadness: the feeling of despair that one individual gets.
Sadness is the terrible emotions of break up and sudden past regret.
Sadness is the mourning over a loved one who has fallen.
Sadness is the pain that takes over when they ignore your calling.
Sadness is the reality that sets in without a thought or a care.
Sadness is the broken heart, that you believe no one can repair.
Sadness is the single mother working, getting by per check.
Sadness is the lost of hope, even if your mind may not wanna give up yet.
Sadness is the thought I secretly had when she took everything...and left.
Sadness is the thing I feel when I don't understand reasons why..
Sadness is the moment when you just need to cry
Sadness is inevitable, even when we try.

You look so beautiful in this light, the stars bring out your eyes.
You look so wonderful tonight, let the moon heal those past lies.
If I could write a story about you, babe
It would be the best of kind.
A princess who needs one simple kiss, to realize what true love feels like.
Let the melody of my piano sooth you and my voice help clear your mind
Let our love become eternal like this flame
As our two hearts forever intertwine.

I would chase you for a thousand years
No woman like this can be found again
You are the love that completes my soul
You are my best friend.
Cry on me when life grows tough
Hold my hand to never feel alone,
Hold on to me when your heart has grown tired & given up
I promise to carry you home.

Finding love isn't easy
But we cross our fingers for luck
Breaking free from our past maybe hard
But that one person can release our hearts when they're stuck

Give a chance to embrace all it brings and allow yourself to love
God send me an angel who can heal my broken heart and show me the meaning of true love.

I can love ya girl
Nothing will change,
No one can stop us
I'm the one you can always trust
Imma love this girl
She completes me.
I'm the drug thru her veins
Baby, fight through the pain
Imma fulfill her desire
Enhance her passionate dreams
Her kiss makes me weak
Her body is my need
He may be right now
But I'm all you need
I hate liking a crush..
Cause they always end up...
Being make believe.*
-Dougie simps

I place my wildest dreams in a system where I can contain
To avoid judgement in a world full people to name
As I learn to drop my pride and forget my fears
I'm still afraid of a woman, I can't name that I'd love to get near
Time ticks so why waste minutes on a bad trip
Of allowing your mind to go and travel through all the bullish
Of evil that tries to deciet you as you drop down to the lords knees
Keep attracting princesses when it's a queen that you truly need
Would you die for peace?
Bleed to survive?
Take the answers off another's test or actually try?
Why lie?
We all creatures of a bad habit
I tend to carry baggage
Still kinda afraid of average
Just felt I needed to express through this hallow pen
To The Lord is the simplicity of my minor thoughts in which I'm tryna send
Please don't resent
Honesty, the truth
Pain doesn't come unless you allow the pain inside you
Whatcha tryna do?
Will fight for what you believe ?
Will she love me unconditionally?
You promised me you wouldn't leave.
My imagination has grown but first it had to die
The terror of the nightmares
The sleeplessness of a lie
Release what you have inside.
I promise it'll set you free
Take a look at your blueprints
Before you go and try to fix me.

mhm it's 6 am...
I drank too much
opened the door...
who could it be?
I see two...it's my lady
"how could you? can you see?"
"what's wrong with you!?"
Mh, Maybe it's me? or
maybe it's her?
drunk on the floor as I try to reoccur
all of her words...
all of her...
baby I wuv...you..****, my words are slurred
she says "I'm done!"
I said "Just wait!!"
this instability is what you create!
you hurt me and desert me!
why don't we touch!?
I come home...all you say is "Lunch!"
I know I'm wrong...I drink too much.
I'm sorry, if I forgot to say...
"Baby, you look gorgeous today."
Time has changed all my usual ways
I don't think...you'll like what I'm about to say.

I go out and like to sit down
grab a beer and talk to a crowd
of different women, with different missions
some are divorced, the others are still making decisions
I enjoy to hear their stories, see if I can relate
I then ask myself..."How can love turn so quickly into hate?"
I know you feel the same, don't look at me in shame!
I saw you go out the other night with your "girls"
but you were really with whatever his name!
"no I wasn't"
Now wait, I'm not done!
you know that holding on is just no fun.
we've grown apart over the years, baby... let's just go and move on...
do right by ourselves and even more by our son.
Love isn't a game...and if it was we both forgot how to play..
I'll always have a place for you in my heart, no matter what. That's all I'm trying to say.

I..."NO! It's my turn to speak! First off that was my Co-worker! and his name was steve, you met him and his wife! and don't you dare say another thing!
You've been cheating for years and hurting EVERYTHING!
In college you were the best thing that heaven could bring! now all you do is leave me hanging by a string. I wait with the kids as you go and get lit...you kiss the shot glass more than you kiss me. You tell all your jokes to these girls you've never met...After the baby, I don't know the last time we had ***! You come home and just stare, pretend like you're there... the kids barely know who you are and I don't think you could care. You hurt and you rip! It's been seven years...you walk right on past me as I shed all these tears. I pray everyday that you will one day look my way... that you'll stop hurting me so much and change your dark ways. I must be a fool...to think I'd change you by force...well I'm done I'M DONE....***, I WANT...A...divorce (she starts to cry) hmm babe I need to let you go, I need to take our kids and grow...hmm I just need you to know that I always knew...Now please let me be mhmm just promise, PROMISE, PROMISEEE....that you'll let me be free."

I...****. I came home baby, this just got so crazy. I remember all those days calling you my lady...
I thought I was in control and realized I was wrong...this liquid confidence gave me the idea that it would be good if you were gone...
I know I was wrong
can I...
can I...
maybe it's too late to explain...
Divorce seems to be the only way to free us from these miserable chains.
I wanna say I'm sorry...But a cheater never truly changes, nor wins.
I beg for forgiveness and hope god will let me in.
Crazy how love starts so fast and hits so quick...
If you were to ask me then where'd I be seven years later...
I wouldn't ever imagined this.


I'm sorry. I only wish for one last kiss..
I also hope you meet someone who sees, sees all I missed.

(Give me the paper, I'll sign this)

No family pick-nicks, no "good morning baby", no "Good morning" to my kids...just days and days of deep remorse...I guess this what it all means...this is the pain...this is...

He stops writing this letter.

This is Divorce.

Suddenly heavy thoughts are caving down in my head
Seems her original plan was entirely false and mislead
She just wants to be friends
But I already got a team
I need a woman who can act strong
When life starts to change scenes
We both complex human beings
Overthinking takes a major role
You worried about your future
I'm afraid if a lie will be told.
Ya last man changed, my personality known too be cold.
But you bring out the best in me and that's just something I don't wanna let go.

I'm here to uplift you
Show you a better man
Kiss you on ya forehead
Become ya biggest fan
Carry all ya baggage and tell you which one is dead weight
Relieve you of all ya stress
And expose your positive traits
but It's hard to see you doubt me and expect me to wanna stick around
Doing ya whole circus act
Turnin my persona into a clown
When I just wanna hold you down
And enhance ya internal beauty
I know being a couple is tough
Trust me, this all so new too me

But this is my last shot
If I miss, it's the end of the game
Then it'll be to late when you have regret and ya mind decides to change.

*I'm just thinking outloud...and talking a little to much
This my last letter to you
Think it's time to move on from this hopeless crush.

I confess, I'm a victim of my own contradictions
I tell people to open they ears, when I barely ever listen
I rarely speak polite than go and say ask permission
And I'm always indecisive then go and say "make a decision"
I got demons, ones that prey on ya and attempt to cause havoc
Since I could touch the ground, I've been a walking born savage
My overpowering ways make BELIEVE anything I want I should have it.
The hardest part for me is to allow my heart to be free
When I believed I was leader, but leaders never flee
I know ya got questions about this simple message,
I should do better for my brother, stop making him so defensive
Show my two sisters a better man, one who's brave and comprehensive
And shows interest in your meaning so when you speak he is attentive
I apologize to my mama, when I bring you all the drama
And look at you as weak when you really gave me the armor
And showed me all the strength
And how impossible is really blank
And how happiness is more fulfilling than all the money in the bank
Let me talk you too, the person who looks at me as see through.
I'm not a prodigy, I'm a human and sometimes I just want you to ask me "How are thinks dude?" Listen to me and see me for more than just your business mistake...I broke the first car ride but overtime I grew strong. Pain can make you rise from the drops and allow you to handle the pressure and anything else it may take.

Then they ask if you're crazy?
hell yeah, Well, maybe..
Took a few shots to the chest but passion came in and resuscitated me.
I got this vibe, guess we all need a feeling, Maybe it was my angel's touch that finally got me healing...Maybe I'm built for disaster? Maybe I speak upon an forgiven matter? I keep trying to reachout, could it be this short ladder? Picture the moment you thought you found what it is you've been looking for...but how can you live a fulfilled life if you're morally poor?

My dear friends, was really good?
I know I come off misunderstood
I got some things on my chest I need to say if I could
Some of ya come off different, some others a lil distant, at times I don't wanna say stuff to you cause I'm afraid and slightly resistant
I have all the love for you and upmost respect, I just need ya to know the past the past, I have no regrets
I've slightly felt like an outsider and sometimes I will regress
And when I give you my all, it never feels like my best
I haven't been the greatest friend
So lets not play pretend, I apologize for that and hope that we can make amends. Imma stick with you homies from now till the end
This next is to my father, Who taught everything but not...sometimes I see you in my reflection, and wish the nightmares would just stop
One minute ill be cool, triggered, instantly I turn hot
This why I haven't had a relationship since the love of my life, called it quits and put it to a stop...
Too a way I've always been with women, family and friends
22 suicide letters to my angel I have sent
Never thought I applied to rules that's why my mind is all bent
This ignorant thinking, got me shrinking, so imma use confession to finally vent
I say "imma be a star" but doubt it 99 percent...feel I work so hard but barely put in what I get.
Sometimes I sleep on a dream wake up and say it's near, when the truth is I'm a little boy who still hides behind his fears.
I've heard I have so much drive but can barely turn, barely steer.
Crazy how your visual thinking isn't what it appears.

Use to worry about the views and worry about the follows
Now I'm tryna to share dark stories that could make the devil gulp and swallow
Cause the factor of my life is I never played nice
I choose to beat you all down with my temper and spite
I barely know what I do wrong and never see my rights
I love sitting in the dark, my soul is kinda afraid of the light
I'm sorry for my ways, I'm sorry for the older days, I'm sorry that I've changed, I'm sorry for my inconsistent phase
I'm sorry that I've been lost, I'm sorry I labeled all of you as a cost
I'm sorry my heart is an icebox and I pump blood made of frost.
I'm trying to practice what I preach, and learn what I teach.
In sorry to my grandfather I'll make it up to you when we meet.
So I guess it's true, that your experiences are your greatest lessons..I just had to let ya know...
These here are my final words and greatest confessions.

-Dougie simps

Dear father*
Let me start my hatred for you must end now and begone
If it wasn't for your horrible ways this man today I would've never become
Nothing's wrong
I developed the ability to convert anger into beautiful songs
I'll never forgive you for what you've done
I'm just glad that you're gone
It's been so long
Since the last time ya seen ya boy
I'm a whole lot more outgoing now
Gave up on being koi
Eye contact with people I tend to still avoid but
I inspire the world now
Less hate and more joy
And I'm a strong man too
No longer a scared lil boy!

Father why!? Why the ******* create this hurt inside?
Why the ******* teach me how to run but never how to ride?
Why you make me cry?!
Why!!?
Do you understand the pain and anger you ******* put me through?
Do you know how it feels to look in the mirror and hate the other half of you!?
Butter knife thoughts is something nobody ever knew
Turned me into a insecure weak boy that everybody can see through!
The misery of a young confused beatdown child
Who covered his face with a mask and put up a fake smile
Who's soul is tame less and heart so wild
who ignores his good side so he blocks it with denial
Through my life I ****** up and poured out a lot of tears
Used liquor to heal my pain and replaced my blood with light beers.
Working hard to better myself but
becoming you is still my biggest fear!

I told my mother the past is gone and the good life is now in our sights
Told her imma fly us there so mama please hold on tight
Because you can be stuck in the dark for so long and feel you'll never see the light
I believe we can survive anything
You just need to believe in you and always prepare to fight!
Allow my story to strengthen you when you feel you have no might
We gotta climb the highest mountains when we say we afraid of heights!

So dear father I'm not you, you was just a part of my creation
At times I swear you aren't real just a figment of my imagination
No more frustration!
Nor Pretending, Anyone can survive hard times that's just the message that I am sending
The end is never close it always just the beginning, We're all winning!
So I know my journey has just begun!
Mom and I  are doing fine now and we're living well.
Oh yeah....P.s your only son

-Dougie simps

Her parents told her to "grow up" so she put away her diary
Use to have stories of being queen, ones that were all blissfully inspiring.
But imagination grew tiring
And apparently so did she..
It's Job hunting, which heels? Which follows uncertainty.
With her heart that always peeks, and opens up that one page, that one that said she'll grow up but never truly act her age.
The page of "Never, Never Land", gum drops in Candyland, following the yellow brick road with toto and the tin man. Toes in the kingdoms sand
And Prince Charming as her ideal man.
Not one care in the world, living life joyest & open minded without any plan.

What happen? Why did she lose all she believed?
Did life take her imagination, walk away and just leave?
"Happy" was what she wrote down when asked what she wanted to achieve...
When women lose their innoncets
When little girls listen to reality and stop creating new ways too dream.
When her mind loses faith, when her heart starts to bleed
When love becomes a nightmare, pain suddenly is there, honesty becomes a lie and happiness becomes "I don't cares"

When girls become women
When simplicity becomes complex decisions
Take a moment to close your eyes
Women, see the honest little girl deep inside your distorted visions

Open up your diary now and write one more line
That girls have to grow up, but tht doesn't mean inside.
(Now open and smile)

Imma write her a lullaby
Like twinkle twinkle you ain't a star
Hit me to chill isn't that situation bizarre
Cause you broke it off
And you still struggle
How many dudes you call since me just to come over and "snuggle"
Bugga boo, I'm so far into
So far gone
The gambling man would bet that she ain't got a clue
Stuck to you like glue
I rather feel the pain than be attached
Rip it off slow just to be gone and detached
Imma make you realize what 3 years cost
A paycheck, a man...oh yeah and a boss
Undateable..you think that's a natural reaction?
Stop looking for others to blame for ya behavioral actions
Like "sorry ms Jackson" you ain't an outcast
A king need a queen not a piece of unloyal ***.
(nice)

He wakes up at seven but doesn't go in until eleven
Daily routine is to brush his teeth, get dressed and visits the house of heaven....funny cause his spiritual insight wasn't always so pure and right, at one point he followed the wrong path and he and god were in a fight...turned to his dark side, never the light, dropped all good people that came into his life...He chose to do bad and hang out late at night...this man was a sinner, a veteran, no beginner, he was struck a cold heart...neighbors said he was bitter, followed the wrong people, once ambitious now a quitter, this man became violent, then became a hitter.......
Stacy went out with her friends following a lie, knew she had no choice otherwise she could die...her friends hugged and kissed her only to notice she had cried...her one friend asked "stace, what the hell happen to ya eye?!...she said that she fell, yet following up another lie...Stacy was blinded by physical love so it was easy to deny...black and blue bruises up and down her thigh, as her friends asked one question and that was "why the hell you still with this guy!?" going back to that man who we find ina funk...watery eyes and blurred vision only means he's drunk...callin up Stacy to see where she gone at? She picked up and said she stepped out and would be right back. He lost his cool and in an instance snapped saying terrible things like she was a " worthless *****" and a "good for nothing piece of crap!"....something come over Stacy she couldn't take it and finally screamed back! He said "are you serious!? If you were a man...I'd be done! a ****** rap!, ya sharp tongue will only get you hurt and ******* slapped!" (hang up)
Stacy broke down...said goodbye to her friends and stormed out, feeling life's pressure of pain at its highest amount...
She closed her eyes, reached for the sky, and screamed "GOD! I'd rather die!"
"I can't take it" her hands shakin she needs to find a way! she needed strength given to her in the worst way...she glanced down at the water to see her reflection...looked at her eye and said "when the hell will I learn my lesson!?" she said "right now! I'm getting out! It's time to plant a new seed and watch new life sprout! shes ready to bloom, she can feel it coming soon...says it time to over come my fear and make a move...her phone rings and it's the same man, she looked at the ID, closed her eyes and pressed END...got back up dropped the phone only to never see it again...the man located stacy's phone, only to see his missed messages and voicemail tone, he now gets it...Stacy finally got smart, he stared at the phone and the mans sadness over came his black heart...a sharp object feeling in his chest like a shooting dart, and said "time to change and time to restart"...till this day the man has her dead phone...10years later and he is still alone, works a simple job with an empty home and with one flower he planted a year ago, that has never bloomed, he uses these symbols as a lesson to understand..that he's done a lot of wrong in his life as an evil man...now hoping for forgiveness he started to follow faith...hoping to cleanse his whole body of drugs & past hate...when he gets home he sits at his computer and logs onto Facebook, searching Stacy's name to see how she lives now and then for a simple look...but couldn't find her for anything
No matter what it took. A month has past and the man decides to check one last...sure enough a message in the inbox called "blast from the past" it was Stacy years later writing " dear man I could never forgive, I found you before you found me but blocked you because of what you did...simple info now I'm happily married, a CEO with four kids and I hate you with everything in me and that's just how it is..I see my scars everyday from all your hits and my final question to you unforgiven man is...has karma been near? And have you been through what I was? Living life in fear!? These questions aren't for a response, just for you to think on..I pray for you and let god take you on, Goodbye and so long"..and like that stacy was forever gone...
the man cried, broke down and couldn't believe what he put her through, knowing the past was gone and history he couldn't ever redo. Wrote her back a message heading "one last sorry to you, knew it meant nothing he still typed "P.S .....I will always love you, my sins are unforgivable and for that my heart will always stay black...I got diagnosed with cancer now...so I guess...god has got me back. I only have a couple months to live so that is that...I'm so sorry Stacy...glad to see your doing well, goodbye and hope before time is up you write back"

Life makes the puzzles pieces come together and always has a plan, for Stacy it was painless freedom...and a lonely death for the "Unforgiving Man"
-Dougie simps
#LostLove

I could talk to you for hours and keep a smile on the phone
We could walk on the beach, as it's your hand that I hold
I can look into your eyes
And be so genuinely hypnotized
Thinking how truly lucky I am to have a woman like you be mine
I can ask you any question, anywhere, any time
And know when you're hurting bad cause I can read all your signs
Be the support that you need and the bandage to help you heal
Slow kisses to your navel and let you know our affection is real
I'll miss you when you're gone
But know ill see you soon
Every time I see your smile
My love for you re blooms
Light tickles to your hand
I know you love that light touch
I know you love butterfly kisses
I know what to say to make you blush....
(Alarm clock)
****, it was all just a dream...she's not mine and those words don't mean a thing
I just imagine all we could be...and want it so much
Guess I've become a firm believer in hope...in my imaginary crush.