there's an awful emptiness
in relatable content
when hundreds of people all
experience the same
loneliness and pain
but no one can do anything
about it, so instead they just
laugh, a fake laugh, and say
"yeah, I know how you feel!"
as if commiserating will somehow
ease the pain when someone dies
or something in your heart goes askew
but if every awful experience is common then the norm is misery
which is not a norm I'm willing to accept
or maybe relatable is an adjective
for anything relevant to the human experience
in which case, every moment, every feeling, every instance
is relatable and therefore dreadfully unoriginal
so-- I propose we change the meaning of the word itself
allow it to become more, a warning to break free
a protest to rise up against
the normative and to seek the original
to become inspired and to connect with others
in unique and meaningful ways
join me in reclaiming what is relatable and instead
seeking what is new

I write poetry when thoughts infect me
catching colloquy in a web to feast
my thorax alates pearlescent scales
I capture nectar from dewy books
***** waxy words that form in the back
of my throat in honeycomb shapes
they taste sweetest directly from my lips
until you notice six legs protruding
or ten eyes staring up at you in fear
the apex of my elytra is rainbow chrome
but all you see is a hardened shell
admittedly, all I've ever had is ability
to filiform syllables and sounds
dangle lexicon delicately from silk pages
in hopes of creating all the beauty
that I have never felt I possess in this form

your body is poetry in a language
I have always wanted to become fluent
dripping in platinum, your lips steel-*****
I hear a quartet commanding me
agave forms in your sulci and pours out
with every breath of your exhale
there's a constellation in your pupils
you are the very moon itself and I am earth
in perigee, my tides rise to greet you
every strand between us twists and weaves
unbroken helixes that connect but never touch
you shine and I can't pull my eyes away
from the contours of your cupid's bow
you move in slow motion towards me

pull my skin back and mark incision lines
cut my flesh open in jagged streaks
the smell of iron and steel delights
wait for the knife to hit muscle and sinew
slice through viscera and veins alike
it's always been this disgusting
messy, trickling blood and intestines
horrific and gruesome to behold
this is what it means to see inside a person
the sticky stains of good and bad
fat globules and disease and infection
dead cells and organs, tissue and bone
I am disgusting
but you cut through me
and saw light and darkness
the core of my very being
and its surprising anyone
could still love me after

but you did

some days, the only thing I want
is someone to talk to again

I want to feed my mind and my soul
and forget my body ever existed

you ever meet someone and think... yeah.
they're worth breaking my heart over.

if I went back in time knowing it all
memories had and the moment I'd fall
remembering how it felt to lose you
and the pain of unrequited love, too
I would do it over, and over once more
because it has always been you I adore
I would happily break my heart anew
if only for a chance to fall again for you

I don't want time to heal my wounds
I'd rather pick at the scabs and watch myself bleed

media is self absorbed
corrupt government systems
**** journalists and civilians
bleached coral reefs
nuclear bomb testing
fast fashion and factory farming
class discrepancy grows
capitalism expands
the forest weeps
earth is burning
150-200 species of life
become extinct every day

here's a picture of my food
and my pet, he's a good boy
vacay in madrid smiley emoticon
hashtag blessed hashtag fun

is it a lie or a distraction

love, did you know
that every diamond
is made from death
compressed and contorted
transformed into something
just beautiful enough to wear
i was once carbon and oxygen
the weight of the earth on my chest
i'll never be as clear nor brilliant but still
you've worn me just the same
eliminated my multi-faceted edges
polished, a rock as any other
no one would believe i was a gem
i am made of dead things, worn out
eroded through the years
i can't sparkle the way you want me to
can't pretend to shine for only you
throw me back to the earth
i belong with the oceans and mosses
only through an end will i glow

there are always words that evoke
gentle and soft imagery
like the fireflies in dense forests
where we could wander
pathways lit up by the glow of stars
count the bones of the great oak trees
lead me through the thickets
kiss the scars on my thighs
we'll listen to the sound
of crashing waves against
your voice when you laugh
we'll guess the age of the universe
discuss epistemology and literature
I'll watch the way your jaw line moves
when you smile and whisper
or how your body tenses at my touch
the moment your eyes spark  
and dilate to my presence
I'll caress your body against mine
bliss at the sweetness of your heat
I'll oscillate with the trees
knowing that together
we can conquer windmills

I'm not okay, even though I know everything will be

eventually

your spark was so deep, intense and warm
you defied the gods and gave me your fire
I had wandered through frozen wilderness
couldn't remember feeling heat against ice heart
I melted, held to your words and arms
didn't even consider that I could get hurt
your body gets used to always feeling cold
but the fire restored feeling in every finger tip
skin against skin where you healed my frostbite
so of course, when you left and the cold set in again
I felt the sharp curse of a million needles piercing me

your spark was so deep, intense and warm
that I never noticed when everything burned down
creating another frozen wasteland to navigate
the difference is now I remember that fire exists
even if I don't have a paper map to find you
or enough dry wood to hold a flame of my own
with the memory of you, I can recreate a fire
for the next person who has lost their light or spark

god's teeth, like crooked giants
stood before me, unconquerable.
I've always chased windmills but
some demons are too great to slay,
and I, too foolish and tired to slay them.
"you were young once, too," they whisper,
they have been here at the dawn
of time and stand, eroded but beautiful.
they only remind me that my youth is gone,
of my fleeing mortality.
I will be long dead,
the earth will live on
without me, someday,
as will you.
will you mourn me when I go?
will you leave orchids at my wake?
I never wished to see a world without you in it,
never wished to feel my body apart from yours
though you've shown me what it looks like now.
and everything is a bit bleaker,
the first snow fall brings only
silence and slush and empty contemplation
and I hate it.
I hate being alone with these thoughts.
but rather than spearing the giants and demons,
I'd be lying if I said I didn't think
the spear would easier go through me
I'll get back on my horse and ride
towards the empty and unfulfilling horizon
as long as I can, I promise
I will fight an eternity for your memory alone

they say we're asleep
until we fall in love
but dreams are the only
way I get to see your face
or touch your skin
life became the nightmare
awakening, impossible
when you're gone for good
love has left me

you said that aging is collecting ghosts
of everyone who enters your life and leaves
my collection, ambitious, I think of them daily
haunted by those I've loved and lost

monogamy means I am a thing
an object possessed by someone else
their trophy, their conquest
their maid and chef, too

I want to be loved, not owned
held loosely and with courage
treasured, valued, and desired
instead of confined to chains

monogamy is stifling
monogamy is jealous
monogamy is cruel
monogamy is immuring

I have always been your everything
rather than comforting, it's exhausting
love is complex but not binding
and sometimes love isn't enough

fifty years down the road
will I regret the time I've spent
being inauthentic and forced
living someone else's dream?

You told me once, life isn't aimless
We are all aimed directly at death

You once said you couldn't picture anyone not loving me.
Don't worry, I can picture it really, really well.

In the thick of sticky summer heat
A voice that still makes my heart skip a beat
Run my tongue over the sound of your name
Knowing nothing could ever be the same

Your love was motion sickness on a highway
Your love was a red card for foul play
The double yellow lines we once sped by
Made a hole in my heart for you to occupy

Now that hole has become a shallow grave
Everyday, a vast emptiness I stave
More than anything, I miss your eyes
Or how for once, I needed no disguise

In my mind we get to roleplay
You say through the night you'll stay
We both wake with sun on our skin
My fingers trace the outline of your grin

But I wake with no sunshine near
The dark emptiness only brings fear
Every day is a cycle I can't break
My life is shallow and fake

Though you've left, I'm glad you came
Every cherry tree still speaks your name
Part of me wishes you'd hold me once more
Whisper that I'm who you adore

This summer I hope you find someone new
I hold no misconceptions - we're through
I'll always keep you near my heart
Now and forever, together or apart

today, at the age of thirty,
I became an orphan.

two empty seats will be at my graduation.
no family at Christmas.
the last living member in this lineage.
no brothers or sisters,
no aunts or uncles.

millions of years of evolution,
and natural selection,
will end when I die...
and I will have no family to mourn me,
as I mourn for my mother today.

and maybe it's better that way,
because no one else deserves
to feel the immense loss of death.

nobody writes poetry about the banal
the ticking clocks and coffee drips
clicked buttons and phones ringing
white walls with greige carpet
waiting in lines for daily tedium
this is where we spend most our time
existing in between the magical
skimming edges of something beautiful
our existence both mundane yet unparalleled
I feel grateful for every tea ring in my mug
pages of old books I will never read
time spent waiting for replies
or watching paint dry on canvas
because this sliver of existence
brief and bland though it may be
can occur only once at this very moment
and our fleeting mortality is extraordinary

our love was a movie-worthy romance
poorly written, fake, and over in two hours

good night, handsome love I've lost
do you remember the name of every star
that has ever shone for you alone?
I know it's silly how we're so old now
that I couldn't recognize the lines of your brow
even if you were somehow still here with me
it's quarter past sleep and the streets are calm
but the world is still ending, I've read
dad used to tell me about the apocalypse
how humans and God will destroy the earth
remind me I've always been a sinner  
never destined for a rapture but yours
though, I hope He never tries to saves me
we all know I'm a mistake
the person who fills an empty gap
but is never made for that space
I sit alone in pitch black in empty cemeteries
reading the names of the tombstones
waiting for the day the letters forming me
appear on the rocks before my eyes
in that night, when you're ready, tell me:
will you wait for me in the abandoned parking lot
by the tipped broken cart at half past dead?
let me fill your space just a little longer.

the bartender poured
a double of something
"drink this," she said
"just don't smell it,
and definitely don't sip it"
her light eyes looked at me
and for a moment reminded me
of what I wanted to forget
I downed the shots but
they never made me feel better
I briefly contemplated my options
a one-way ticket to Manchester
or drinking on-sale antifreeze
my silver jacket buttons
holding cold in their heart
I took a drag from a cigarette
dangled it between my fingers
"I don't even smoke", I laughed
my words hung in the air
like a foreign object out of reach
and it smelled like you
watching ashes and smoke
getting lost in the crisp air

you once called me your dream girl
I was terrified that some day you'd wake up

let's bring down the horizon
let's burn this city to the ground
when it's just you and me against the world
we'll shatter the oceans
whisper Poseidon to the sea
we'll **** the gods and kiss the skies
whisper filth behind closed doors
and bury the mountains
they've built around us
and steal the stars
just for us

You were afraid of heights
I was afraid of falling for you
Only one of us had to face their fear

congratulations, Hello Poetry!~
you're my new best friend
because I could use a friend right now
and you're all I have

I've been thinking about us a lot lately
how nice it is to have you in my life
because when I write, I feel less lonely
and I can connect with you, dear friend

I know you won't judge me
you're here for me when no one else is
when I feel like I've built my life wrong
I log in and read "me too" - thank you

my life lately has felt like a million pieces
being broken apart and reassembled haphazardly
like I took a wrong turn down a dark alley
and I've been trying to find my way out since

I don't know when, how, or if I'll find
a shining beam of light at the end of the tunnel
but I am happy to hear about the world outside
or to be stuck in the tunnel with you

stop forgiving and cutting slack
to those who don't love you back

You've found those in love with the idea of you
Who see your youth as supposed beauty, the way
Anyone would agree the shore and waves of an ocean
And the sparkling water, like diamonds on the surface
Is beauty itself captured, without seeing the depths --
The muddy ocean floor and vines and tentacles

You've found those who say they love you
Who talk about you like perfection encapsulated
Their dream girl who will surely save them
Kind, compassionate and caring, you love with open arms
There to hold them, cook, clean, support and keep them safe
But your love only heals like a bandaid over an amputation

You've seen love that is exchanged for goods and services
Conditional love that relies on your ambition and ability
Love that is picked up briefly and put down suddenly
Thrice you have even found something resembling absolute love
At a bad time, with the wrong person, in a broken place
And it's never yours to keep and it never remains

So you teeter along this edge where everyone's love
Depends on what you do for them or who you aren't
Slowly but surely you find a way to accept that maybe
No one has ever really, truly, possibly, loved you.
Maybe they can't.
Maybe you are unlovable.

Or maybe love itself is impossible -
An idea created and packaged by capitalism
To sell media and cosmetics and insecurity
You find a way to make peace with the idea of a world
Devoid of unconditional or true love
Where the constance of love and loss are tied

One cannot seem to exist without the other because love itself
Does not exist without barriers or stipulations
The happily ever afters are a likely delusion
One that has poisoned your mind for too long
Love is always conditional, selfish, and possessive
Everyone loved, leaves because love cannot stretch to infinity
Movies and music and literature have lied to us

At some point you learn to give up on others, because it's easier
You learn to stop loving anyone else, either
Because one sided affection is emotionally draining
Giving 100% to anyone but yourself, impossible
And in that moment maybe
You find a way to love yourself like no one else can
Because that's the only thing you have left in this world
While you make peace with the idea
That you, too, will someday leave

We'll run away together, love
To the shores of Italy
Among the rows of grape vines
Beneath the willow trees

We'll buy a villa in Positano
Red brick and marble, by the sea
We'll dance with wine and moonlight
If you'll run away with me

In the boutiques and cafes
We'll drink espresso and high tea
The pebble streets call out your name
Come with me now, let's flee

A one-way ticket is simply frugal
I'm sure you will agree
We'll kiss beneath the Elba stars
And create a new reality

your memory is still
my happy place

your whole body becomes a map made for me
to explore the uncharted territories
conquer the lands where I see fit to leave my mark
to seek and record with eyes and hands what is tangible
but I wish, more than anything, that I could uncover
your mind, your soul, your core, your being
to find my way under your skin as you have mine
the topography of your brain is a beautiful landscape
I want to study your phenomenology
to become a cartographer of your sulci and gyri
come to know the lines and ridges of your consciousness
create new methodology to observe and transcribe
your brain is a fingerprint unique, and yours
all the more beautiful for it's belonging

anyone else here enjoy slow torture,
like backtracking months ago
in chats of failed relationships
to cringe at how strongly you
loved or seeked approval or desired
realizing how long it was unreciprocal
watching your patterns and foolishness
wishing you could stop the you
from the past from breaking the heart
of every future version of yourself
reliving the past like ptsd
watching yourself die over again
to prove it was real, that you lived, once

so I travel back months in time
to when we still spoke
and wish I could revoke every feeling
take back every word and every sentence
stop myself before I said anything nice
but the past is set in electronic cyberspace
arguably more permanent than stone

so I read and internalize every "k"
every empty emoji or moments
you were terse or upset with me
because they remind me to always
choose the one who loves me most
to play it cool and careless instead
compartmentalize it and remind myself
the one who loves more loses more
free is the one who has nothing to lose
and I'll get there too, someday soon
but until I can lose my feelings entirely
I'll keep numbing them with words
the ones you wrote to me
the ones I wrote to you
the ones you never voiced
and the ones I keep writing to this void

I'm not a ******* but you still hurt so good.

the light in my heart flickered and died
a punishment for hubris to gods I've defied
the stars refused to shine in the sky
I saw the earth beneath me liquefy

the water as still as a painting hung
I felt blood and salt coat my lungs
every day I floated lifeless through
from friends and family, I withdrew

no wind, no air, world is empty and black
I begged that forces would take my life back
I waited for the powers to strike me down
crush me, smite me, watch me drown

the worst fate of all is that I remained
and try as I might, you kept me chained
you cut me open to watch me bleed
ignored all of my wants and needs

without wind in my sail, unable to leave
that's when I met him - my reprieve
whose tongue was made of platinum and lace
whose heart was filled with beauty and grace

a golden god who lit my heart ablaze
who showed me tenderness always
for him, I realize I must become better
for him, I write every single letter

because now my heart beats for his touch alone
his light is the one I still feel in my bones
I remember his voice saying he loved me like mad
I'd give up forever for the moments we had

You walked right by me
I pretended not to notice
not to make things awkward
because even now
I still think of you

I didn't see if your eyes
tried to connect with mine
but I felt us connect regardless
walking away was all I could do
to avoid the intense feelings held

I can pretend my heart doesn't sink
when I think of you; mind, body, soul
I can act like I don't see you first
when I walk into the room
or like my feelings are buried deep

I'll be anyone you want, love
but I refuse to ever be the one
who loves, hurts, and cares more
because my heart can't handle that again
so I walked by you and said nothing

there's a room just off
the main emergency hallway
called the quiet room
small and dimly lit
couches out of style a decade ago
and what I assume is supposed to be
calming paintings of landscapes
abstract shapes in soothing blues
I spent two days there once
waiting to hear
what would happen to you
expecting you to wake up
I was going to tease you about
how you had five pretty doctors
attending to you
tell you about how the shelf you built
only a week ago, got a compliment
but instead we never spoke again
and I had to carry on
the burden of living

I like to write everything in erasable pen
Because someday it'll disappear like me

Your eyes, golden brown
Soft, delicate fingers brushing a single curl
Against my cold face
"body heat helps frostbite,"
You tell me
And you lick your lips knowing
I am unconditionally doomed
In our paracosm you would be my wife
Bound by our losses and found by each other
In the unlit room, you're mine for just the hour
And maybe that's enough.

Burn the barn with the red wooden doors
Pour gasoline on the warm cedar floors
Your eyes alit against orange smoke skies
You warn me of my own demise

We watch it together, collapse and unbecome
Neither a death nor a beginning and none
A moment witnessed by death and I alone
From the flames, I cast the first stone

I blame death for all done and said
Death reminds me I too will wake dead
So I beg it to leave me to the fire
Plead that it's my time to expire

But death carries me outside once more
Tells me it will soon even the score
Not today nor tomorrow and yet
My heart stopping, a sure-fire bet

Death leaves me to deal with the flames
Find a way to work through the pain
As if heart or home could be rebuilt
As if I could forgive my own guilt

Night after night I sleep under the stars
Watch my old wounds become scars
Slowly I build a new red door and four walls
While listening to death whisper and call

Though I keep living with all these regrets
Waiting for my sun to eventually set
From old barn ashes sprouts emerge
Tiny seedlings through dirt surge

I'll watch poppies and lilies bloom
Keep working by merely light of the moon
Until I'm rebuilt and once again new
Order is brought to what was once askew

And though death seems to always draw near
I decide to abandon my fear
Even in times I'm lonely, sad or asunder
I'll take the rain, and keep the thunder

your discomfort is my greatest pleasure
I smirk when you shiver
shift uncomfortably just a sliver
don't worry honey, I'm a giver

your silence is my favourite sound
I giggle when I catch you off guard
or plant quiet kisses on your lips, hard
you look at me with eyes starred

your pain is my happiest feeling
I am warmed when I give you an ache
and I can feel you underneath me, quake
it's my thirst you always slake

and honey, you're a giver

You were three blocks away
Going to the same destination
But you wouldn't stop
In the cold and rain
Never asked if I needed help
Didn't offer a ride which would've
Saved me 40 minutes of time
And an awkward conversation
With a man who invited me back to his
I considered his offer
Partly out of spite
Partly out of hope
That he would slash my throat
And I wouldn't have to return home
I rubbed my cheeks, suddenly grateful
No one can tell when you've cried in the rain
I guess we've always been three blocks
Apart from one another, you and I

orchid skies over Italian seas
breath in the salt water breeze
hold hands and watch the sun set
neither ready to go home yet
our legs dangle off the pier
the wild orchids flourish here
their sweet scent carries me to you
the water casts a mirror view
a million stars bloom in the sky
in their white blaze, a reply:
truth and beauty can be found
in every person, touch, or sound
but when I am alone with you
truth and beauty shine right through

open space compels you
forward
walking into lakes and oceans
trigger pulling aim true
from the shallow end to the buoys
keep going, the sea whispers
find the deepest end
submerge
jump from the bridge
they won't notice you're gone
buried in ice water, frozen
chasing the moving horizon
push and pull of waves against body
you're in too deep now
thunder in the distance
black clouds shoot lightning
you close your eyes
wait for it to end
wait for it
wait
a voice says
you won't drown
you feel fingers, pulling you up
helping your body float
their lips touch yours
oxygen transferred resuscitate
together, you see a still surface
you have never been happier
to be corporeal
to have arms and legs
than at that very moment
you realize that you can touch
the person who rescued you
you realize their waves
will carry you back
to shore
home

first

find the most interesting, beautiful, and important part of your figure;
observe with fresh eyes, and new hands
until you can touch the figure in your mind

but

do not hold him just yet.

transform him to his most basic and essential qualities.
observe the way light plays against his skin, the darker shadows under his neck, the curve of his lips
the muscles along his arms and blood in his veins
holding your brush with care, start an outline

go slow at this stage

find a way to capture his gaze.
a gaze away could mean disinterest or distraction
an animated gaze forward means your figure is engaged

next

trace him with your brush
focusing on the base of his neck,
his broad, naked shoulders,
his back and the curves that connect to his thighs.

when you have an outline: wait

wait until you hear the pounding of your own heartbeat
paint the feeling of his hands against your hips
wait until you feel his lips brush up against
the base of your neck,
your slender, naked shoulders,
your back
your stomach
and lower

at this very moment, you feel yourself painted by him

you become a shade, a highlight, a smudge back into the canvas
and he pulls you in closer
until you both become one image

you watch him as he takes your paint brush away
you are naked and you do not remember if he painted
your clothing off with a brush of his own
or if you took them off yourself

such trivial detail is not essential to the big picture

this is when the real picture is painted
when you yourself become a series of circles and textures
and your body no longer feels real

you are two figures, ready to be painted

you capture this moment.

your touch was poetry
in a language I can't read anymore
I still feel it in the core of my bones
the lines and shadows of each letter
drawing out a standing ovation
I had never felt freedom from my mind
you showed me how I could let go
held me in a way that led me to believe
I would be okay somehow
because you'd catch me if I fell
gentleness and death in your eyes
now you speak and your words
disappear in the air before reaching me
on the other side of the room I see
your lips and hands move but can't
make out the sounds or shapes you take on
so I watch the way you create poetry
like looking at pictures in a book
when you touch someone else
in the language we once spoke

you passed the joint over to me
I looked at your lips
as the smoke rolled over them
like a spirit chased out of your body

I took a drag and passed it around
we stared at him with eager eyes
for the next clue to win the game
it was getting late and I felt drunk
with happy exhaustion when
your friend whispered "plantagenet"
"what?" we asked
"the clue is... plantagenet" he said again, sternly

our eyes connected
I looked at you, then at him
then back to you
for the briefest moment
before we both started laughing
full belly laughs
and at that moment
you were lovely
of course, we lost that game
but only sort of