open space compels you
forward
walking into lakes and oceans
trigger pulling aim true
from the shallow end to the buoys
keep going, the sea whispers
find the deepest end
submerge
jump from the bridge
they won't notice you're gone
buried in ice water, frozen
chasing the moving horizon
push and pull of waves against body
you're in too deep now
thunder in the distance
black clouds shoot lightning
you close your eyes
wait for it to end
wait for it
wait
a voice says
you won't drown
you feel fingers, pulling you up
helping your body float
their lips touch yours
oxygen transferred resuscitate
together, you see a still surface
you have never been happier
to be corporeal
to have arms and legs
than at that very moment
you realize that you can touch
the person who rescued you
you realize their waves
will carry you back
to shore
home

black empty expanse
my eyes meet the mirror
I consider shaving my head
removing my eyebrows
match outside to in
ugly and empty
I wish I could rip off petals
set myself on fire like a monk
reach nirvana by golden chariot
starve myself until I disappear
drink until I collapse forever
but I put my hair up
make a cat wing eyeliner
smile with bleached teeth
fix my dyed hair
use metallic red lipstick
consider plastic surgery
I don't want to be here, I mouth
the mirror knows already
but there's only one way out
instead, I put on my nicest dress
hoping that someday I find
a way to match inside to out

I don't dance, I said
But my love for you is greater
Than my need to not embarrass myself
What is love without vulnerability
So I danced that night
As best as I could
Pretended we were the only ones
Left in that speakeasy
The live music echoing through my body
The alcohol moving through my veins
And I don't dance
But maybe for one night
I can be the kind of person who does
The kind of person who lets loose
Twirls without care and loves their body
Despite awkward hips
Legs that stall and ****
But tonight, I can become someone new
Who lets themselves go uninhibited
Who unapologetically twists and twirls
Who shakes out the day, so tonight,
I do dance - but maybe just with you

I still feel the warmth your love provides
though now I am alone and you, gone
I still feel you each night by my side
while every day awakes a new dawn
and I find ways to keep moving on

you were every part of me, my star
we saw a future for us alone
so many stolen nights became ours
I gave myself to you and was shown
parts of your body, muscle and bone

I loved you and every bit, my dear
without you, there are merely dull aches
knowing never will I have you near
letting you leave; my greatest mistake
now all I have left is my heartbreak

I can see where the forked road leads:

one path smooth and easy
it never leads to happiness
but maybe I could fool myself
into thinking your heart never made me
feel anything at all and
if I squeeze my eyes shut
and wish very hard
while I count the songs
of origami swans
or the rings of tree branches
like a boreal ribcage around the path
I'll wonder if the trees were happier rooted

the other road is treacherous
my heart shatters and breaks
in a million new ways
crossing shaky bridges
with hundred foot drops
and I don't come out unscathed
because there's no way to perform
heart surgery on yourself
some weeks I'm so scared
I'll bleed out entirely
others, I'll spend growing alone
uncomfortably
finding strength in myself
wondering why I didn't pick
the smooth road--
though it was never
a difficult decision to begin with

bleed from finger tips
pressed into plastic keys
repeat routine regularly
until wrunged and wrinkled
some of us are just built wrong
you hear yourself say out loud
dream of escape to Aokigahara
where the trees whisper your name
and even darkness is palpable
you can taste it on your lips
the hemlock firs surrounding
dirt and parsnips on your tongue
your skin itches and you are
wildly uncomfortable in the vessel
sleep now, the forest demands

I'll never make it to heaven now
But at least I've seen it once with you

Like Aristotle,
I see the world in moderation.
All the ugliness feels balanced
When I look at you.

spake my thirst with the ocean in your eyes
with every particle of you I'm familiarized
your lips pressed on mine, caught by surprise
feel your hands on me as we kiss the skies

and every poem is about you
and every painting created for you
and every word spoken to reach you
and every molecule of me is yours

perhaps jejune, you give me butterflies
feed insomnia 'til night heeds the sunrise
tracing your frame and shapes to memorize
breathing your essence, I am paralyzed

goodbye lover, goodbye
my broken heart will heal
but my youth will never restore
if I could return the stolen moments
I would, tenfold, back to you
I have no right to keep them hostage
I know my emotions were never
your responsibility, though I guiltily
made them your cross to bear
you exchanged sadness for pleasure
though I love you not for what you did
or the ways you'd make me laugh or feel
or the times you'd make me think and care
but because I felt as though I saw you
goofy, odd, brilliant, funny, wonderful, ****
my feelings are always genuine
and though we have bid one another farewell
I am certain my feelings will remain
long after my youth and body have gone
so adieu chéri, adieu--
some infinities are longer than others
the one we shared has never ended for me
though I can't give back these thoughts
the knowledge of loves existence is my burden
someday, days or years
lifetimes or centuries from now
a rainbow will touch the ocean
because my love for you spans
a greater infinity than time itself
but until that moment arrives
(if it ever arrives in this life time)
goodbye sweet love, goodbye--
for as long as you'd like

we dance in puddles on the rooftops
in the rain of a typhoon, I wait
for our hopes and dreams to blow over
sundress soaked to my skin
you tell me I'm a pretty little thing
you can't see my sleeves and my soaked hair
still smells like the smoke of a loaded gun, gone
I traded in my needs for sticky promises
you traded in your career for a losing ticket
after everything is said and done
will you slay your demons for someone new?
please don't let me consume you while we dance
on the rooftops in the rain until feet bleed
and pockets of trapped blisters form
it's too late now, isn't it?
to whisper that I don't like dancing
while you remind me that I'm wrong
of course my eyes would dance for you
look at how beautiful I am when I spin and fall
new bruises form and I look so good in blue
so I twirl because it makes you smile like you do
though it isn't fair of me nor you
to keep silent skies grey and air muggy

there is poetry and art and beauty
in a brief exchange of souls and scars
temporary friendships or
lovers who do not extend to infinity
just because it ends it does not mean
the experience is less valid or less real
I am grateful for every experience
the painful and sad moments, too
as they have all created me
as part of my becoming and existence
and they have taught me to appreciate
even more wholeheartedly
the joy others bring to my life

my throne is made
of silver and bone
tarnished and alone
I sit waiting for you

threads tie my wrists
in ribbons of red string
like a pretty little parcel
another play thing

you toy with me
a game of cat and mouse
watch your fingers unbutton
the top of my blouse

I watch as you
uncover my chest
to plunge a dull dagger
into my breast

shock sets first
I sputter and cry
blood then bursts
hands covered red

my eyes aglow
a wounded animal
blood pools below
I think of your lips

of sunshine kisses
an ocean of care
until that moment
love was all fair

now the price is paid
heavy hearts lay
I foam at the mouth
like a rabid stray

my crown is made
of cobwebs and spiders
I think of your face
as consciousness fades

early morning sun weeps
rays against my skin through
open summer window
shadows hug the curves
of my arm and stomach
I believe, briefly, that I've dissolved
exsanguinated, I lay lifeless
a pile of flesh and mess
worried my soul has left it's shell
I exist only momentarily
when you touch me
when your eyes meet mine
when your body wraps around me

I vanish once more when you leave

ocean and sky in mirror symmetry kiss
soft autumn sunshine shows shadows of bliss
the goddess of skies longs for the sea below
because only the ocean can make her heart glow
she'd give up the clouds, sun, and air, too
the ocean finds a way to paint her in blue
the waves crash against her golden wings
she's pulled back above like a puppet on strings
try as she may to break the shallows still
it seems like the fates laugh at her will
but little do they know that her will is true
and she'll find a way to greet the ocean anew
seize the very moon and control the tide
grow the ocean as high as it is wide
'til her reflection casts on the surface shown
deep beneath the seas skin, she's flown
deeper and deeper, she longs to go
until crashing waves come to a slow
and the stillness beneath ocean eyes greet
once more can the skies and the ocean meet

have the courage to do what must be done
to fix all that is broken and know when to run
and we will-
run through the fields away from it all
hold hands as the seasons change into fall
and they will-
transform us from youth to old and grey
despite wrinkles of autumn, together we'll stay

You wanted to pretend I'm a monster
You wanted a reason to leave
You found it and you'll be the only one
I would ever dare love, knowing now
How it feels to lose the only one
I have ever felt connect with my soul
But I knew you - good and bad
And loved you for every facet of each
At the end, when you decided who I was
You told yourself the things you
Clearly needed to hear, to leave
I would never fault you for going
But this is a one way street out, doctor
Losing you once nearly destroyed me
Losing you a second time is something
I realize I could never recover from
You didn't want to stick it through
Thick and thin, nor love me as I am
So, please don't ask how I'm doing now
Don't pretend any part of you still cares
Because I'll hold on to what we had forever
But I know now, I'm not anything to you
I don't regret what happened
Because you helped create who I am today
I'm grateful for every minute we had
Even though I'm still picking up the pieces
Of myself that you've left scattered --
I'll never forget awakening in your lab
Feeling alive for the first time
Realizing I have a heart beat after all
Now I'm left to wander the town
You, the good doctor, have gotten
Everything you wanted from me
I'm your creation, the evil, the ugly
I'm whatever you wanted me to be
But it was only ever you that gave me life

poetry poured from me
when I thought of you
all blue ink was made of your eyes
every white page, your skin
verses were a joy to create
I felt freedom in imagination
shared thoughts and feelings
inspiration from your lips
your tongue and teeth
both cobra and kitten
strike or purr, I loved both
now orchids are a hallowed
feeling in the pit of my chest
where once a heart was
the night is dreadfully boring
the moon writes no sonnets
every rainbow is filtered in sepia
stars illuminate and I feel nothing
oceans are filled of dead things
another day passes
where thoughts are unspoken
and pen never meets paper

Hellopoetry,
I confess.
I have killed a man
who I love deeply

he was driven as the sun
and passionate as a storm
but now he is a sailboat
a vessel waiting for wind

years ago, when we had nothing
but each other, cuddled up
on an air mattress in the middle of a room
I was happy

he died five years ago
those hazel eyes I so adored
with green flecks strong as a rainforest
are now clear cut

was it my finger on the gun?
did I tie the perfect knot of a noose?
leave medication next to the alcohol?
...was it really me? how did I do this?

we have grown so far apart
that I barely remember
the boy who lit my heart ere long ago
who I kissed in the art room
next to my paintings
and I thought he was more beautiful
than any work of art ever could be

I see his shadow sometimes,
only when we're on vacation and he
wanders through trails holding my hand
once again young, shy, playful

and gone again so soon.

the vines began to creep up
we didn’t know when they first started growing
little green buds buried deep below
I tamped them down with my feet
like weeds, they'd regrow stronger
they tied themselves around my ankles
robust enough to immobilize
converting my legs into a mess of thorns and trunks
my body paralyzed at the centre
the branches took the longest to grow
when the first one shot through
I thought I'd be upset, but felt only relief
the black flecks of my eyes became the dead of winter
not a single leaf could ever grow on these limbs
but as the roots thickened, I began to forget
what it felt like to ever walk or speak or love
I knew thirst and hunger, the need to grow
taking no comfort in feeling rooted
but not remembering how to move, either
drowned in my own thicket
I needed to be felled to bud anew

aging their way together;
there was a shade of the person
he admired and esteemed
both within himself and her

a tune that slowed and drifted
became all the more intimate
through youth, silken and willing
which whispered to early hearts

we become and awaken with ardor
when our originals fail to excite
we grow and resemble the other
when one's love becomes requite

catcall the bell-wearer
whose toll is paid in soft looks
longing sighs and blue eyes
like a Siamese cat because
an animal caged won't rebel
whistle and marvel at lithe grace
possessed by beauty of presence
charm that smokes and chars
magnified only by their walk
like a dance for poppies
made only more appealing
with cold shoulders and fury

starve a fever, feed a cold
which one am I, love?
feed me, starve me
love me, leave me
pleasing you, pleases me
pleasing you, feeds me

let me feed on your flesh
the area where neck and shoulders
meet my lips and teeth

carry the marks I sink to your skin
feel your skin sink into my teeth
the softest spots are the freckles
here, and here, and here
I long to taste them
linger salt in the corners

my smile against you
I remember that smile
when your warmth feeds my cold

when my voice lowers
the secret is yours to keep
that I unequivocally love you
and I am yours to love or leave
to feed or starve
please, let me please you

you bring me your darkness
like a fat house cat
who has killed a mouse
placing it at my feet
still squirming
and you, proud
very well, I mumble
you're a formidable hunter
vulnerability is striking
yours ought to be celebrated
but darkness never dies easy
it chokes and sputters
and runs off with final breath

you aren't gone, I tell myself
just a game put on pause
a phone call on hold
I see the back of your head
a side profile in a crowded train
the faint smell of you
sweat, skin, smoke, soap
I'll join you in the eventual
when my particles disperse to night
into pavement and dirt and sky
connected to the stars
that have always smiled at you
where I long to be

ten years ago, you sat next to me
propped against a wall on my bed
strumming each string
of my red electric guitar
tuning the cords, slowly, gently
too embarrassed to play a song
you were going to be a lawyer
I was going to be a journalist
we both had high hopes then

our usual food order was tater tots
with extra (extra!) sauce and
pad thai in a box which we'd swap
back and forth in between sips
of whiskey from your metal flask
sitting on the curb of the parking lot
late at night after everything closed
both exhausted from work

you brought me a cd in the hospital
I listened to it a hundred times
I know all the lyrics to every song on it
even a decade later
the music is still ours, you know
we gift each other mix tapes
you always include a song
by my favorite band (thank you)
I couldn't make you just one playlist
because all music reminds me of you

our conversations flow easy
we bounce back and forth
teasing, joking, talking openly
you always make me laugh
and I don't tell you this enough
but I love you and our friendship
even when we go months
without ever talking to each other
what we have is beautiful and
so important to me, I cherish it every day

poetry is masochism
seeing the cataclysm
both inside and around
and for every fresh wound
every word you've stabbed
poetry is picking at your scab
rather than letting it heal
watching how each layer peels
poetry is getting hurt
using your voice to assert
by showing your cuts
scars, bruises, guts
to everyone in the world
letting your emotions unfurl
poetry is being carved
feeding others when you're starved
being open and true
words for others to turn to
let them rip out your beauty
aesthetics becomes duty

When oysters leave no pearls and every bird takes flight
And the sky is empty and soundless throughout the night
When you feel like your flames no longer give light
And nothing makes you feel your heart or soul ignite

When you are loved for all that you do but not who you are
And every journey you embark on seems a little too far
When the blood from battles won have left a nasty scar
And you feel yourself suffocating under a glass bell jar

When time slip between your fingers too quick
And you feel like contentment is just a cruel trick
When every change you've made doesn't seem to stick
And the weight in your chest is heavy and thick

Remind yourself it's okay to take rest
Remind yourself you've done your best
Hold a happy moment close to your chest
Be kind to yourself when life tries to test

in amphibians, the process
is called ecdysis
shedding, casting off, transforming
birds will moult several times a year
flourishing new plumage
orchids will regrow fallen blooms
the process is natural
but not any easier
especially when we grow apart
but everything changes
and everyone changes
there is no true sort by same
go through a metamorphosis
transmogrify and evolve
leave yourself behind and
recreate who you are
above all, never fear
the change of becoming

I talk to you as though you're still here
in the room with me, watching me work
I tell you about all of the things you've missed:
my acceptance to grad school and thesis
how I've started watercolour painting
and learning Japanese
reading Rilke and writing poetry again
you would've loved that

and I tell you about grief and loss and death
how I should've stayed with you that day
I saw your heart shatter and break
you were gone just a week later
I had never seen anyone in so much pain
but when I held your hand and said I was there
I swear I felt you try to squeeze it back still
even through your dyspnea and delirium

I still see you, you know?
when I look in the mirror it's not my face
but yours looking back at me
and when I write they are not my words
but yours reflected back on the page
and sometimes, when I am quiet enough
I can hear your replies to me, too
and you talk to me, as though you're still here

you photograph me
the parts I hate
my stomach and legs
the shutter clicks
zoom on my stretch marks
my jiggly bits and thighs
draped with see-through fabric
my skin for your eyes
to capture me
through your lens
raw and rose-coloured
we'll see what develops tonight
hot lights flash stars
my eyes are fixed on
your lips as they smirk
when you catch me
off-guard and too real
you're too close to my face
you're too close to my body
you're too close to my heart
and for a moment I'm scared
that your camera really does
capture all of me
all the parts I hate
my darkness and anger
the sad memories
the things I've done
the people I've hurt
I'm nervous you see me
but you whisper I'm beautiful
there's another click and flash
for a moment I believe you
and hope the camera captures
the me that you see
through your lens

we'll make love on the shore
beneath the trees of sycamore
a lilac scent in the air
my fingers run through your hair
your mouth leaves marks on my skin
I can't suppress a silly grin
I feel your hand run up my thigh
my legs open, your reply
and as the tide begins to shift
your mouth gives a splendid gift
all at once, I feel you tense
your love for me, too immense
once you have come inside
and after you are satisfied
I feel your tongue further down
in this pleasure, I could drown
I'll ride the waves and let go
my heart is now set aglow
so let's make love by the shore
and I'll feel you in me once more

surrounded in a field of weeds
you pretend to plant your seeds
water something that won't grow
we both know it's just for show

loved it when our fingers laced
miss the way you used to taste
still have you between my teeth
now you're just out of reach

so raise your glass always half full
appreciate what I'd call dull
enjoy all your time away
because alone is how we'll stay

take a sip, give me no heed
find someone else in my stead
know I only drink to you
forget, remember, bid adieux

They treated you better than anyone ever had
They were kind and sweet and caring
They made you feel good about yourself
They gave you a reason to keep going

And none of that means they were ever right for you.

time is the true criminal
occupying spaces liminal
stealing me away in scraps
hours shared become a trap
changing bodies with seasons
wrinkles forming without reason
I see time when I look in the mirror
every day it draws itself nearer
the softness gone and replaced
features of youth now erased
I can't recognize the edges and lines
every new spot is another sign
the dark circles with blackened eyes
all the features I had memorized
gone, gone, gone
at the end of my dawn

you have me trained to do
every little thing that pleases you
I disobey and you ring a bell
but wrong from right, I can tell

I am not for you, I know
you and I apart will grow
you took your leave from my life
I wish you only good days and nights

please, don't take my poetry as a sign
I'm aware you were never mine
some will touch your life with gold
and quickly leave you out to cold

my words are now for only me
and happy as a dog, I will be

I long to hold you
yearn for you against me
I want your bruises and bites
your lightest touch and deepest kisses

give me your thoughts
your happiness
your pleasure
I will you give you mine

I don't mind being broken by you
when my thoughts are interrupted
mind blank and there's silence
the moment our bodies meet

show me your scars
your pain
your passion
I will you show you mine

you give openly
I want to give in to you
surrender every piece of myself to you
because my love for you is always requited

every moment, every feeling
you repay with interest
with you, affection is always
exquisitely reciprocal

life is but a cruel game
where we live each moment
always missing someone

I talked to a Serbian man
at the bus stop going home
told him my mom died
on the solstice this year
the longest night that never
would become day for her

he said his died when he was 50
that he wept like a child then
tears formed in his pale eyes

though this game seems unfair
that no one close to us remains
we only borrow one another
life is not a game played for keeps
we exchange time for experience
and life itself for memories

sand and soot in oysters whirl
creating iridescent pearls
the lotus roots through dirt and mud
to blossom from the smallest bud

out of darkness, beauty grows
though the process, arduous and slow
without pain nothing is created
and so my growth is long awaited

If we're together til death do us part
Then the only way out becomes suicide

do you remember me
below the docks in the rain storm
how my cheeks sparked
against your open palm, cupped
and you learned at that moment
electrocution smells nitrous
amplified by the salt of waves
beating torrential downpour
and the petrichor that filled our lungs
you said I had never looked
more beautiful than the moment
bolts of currents shot from my eyes
and pools of blood formed tears
that ran down my face when I confessed
my love for you for the first time
and I became the very lightning itself
my touch was a boom against your skin
you were prone, and I had you pinned
transfering a steady stream of volts
through lips and teeth and tongues
my skin hot to the touch and I was fire
you thought I'd keep you warm
but a bright flash later, and I was gone

my body is dynamic, in flux
you touched me and I was reborn
nerve endings rebuilt stronger
the outside changed too
hair colour through rainbows
makeup for every mood sparkled
sensory systems grew and changed
immortalized by your lips
with your fingers on my skin
connections newly created
yet so familiar and at peace
eyes wandering over your face
one I had loved so intensely
now my moon no longer recognizes
the wrinkles formed at the corners
when I smile or laugh or play
you loved me as I was, once
though every part of me replaced
shifted and altered to becoming
unrecognizable or similar
to when we had first met
I was made new because of you
while you believe I am the same
after everything had changed

I'm a jack-of-all-trades
good at nothing
good for nothing
I've never learned how to swim
or play an instrument
I can't drive a car
or write anything well
or carve your name in the stars
where it deserves to be

and I've never created
a single thing I've felt proud of
but I can cheer you on
watch you swim laps
from the shallowest end of the pool
and get excited when you publish
your capital "L" Literature
I'll cover you in glitter
so you'll shine to the ends of the galaxy
then we'll watch how every star in the night sky
blinks your name in morse code

we slide through the grey
our eyes and words are at play
though our bodies sit still
filled feelings always spill
I miss the area I belong
even though it was wrong
salt and freckles on your skin
all the spots my lips have been
you always felt right to me
joined by our esprit
friendship and tension
you were of me, an extention
you held my hand and heart
and even though now apart
I loved you the way a lover should
the only way I ever could
with everything I had to give
I found in you a reason to live
you complicated me
you extricated me
I am grateful, though you are gone
and every day I dwell on
the feelings I have for you
and the space that between us grew

tickle my sides with your teeth
your lips, your words underneath
my skin and through my veins
your memory always in my brain
it's all that will someday remain
I think of you to ease my pain
and break the binds that chain
cut myself free of guides and reins
I'll run to you, all the same
because my love will never wane
perhaps this is naive or insane
to write so many poems for one name
but to myself I must be true
since the day I've fallen for you
my world is 50 shades of blue
your eyes found in every hue
before, my heart was torn in two
it got spit up, destroyed and chewed
your passion made it brand new
it was me alone your love saw through
my feelings for you only grew
waiting to see what night will ensue
despite your words leaving no clue

don't flatter yourself, love
you may have been the spark

but I'm the fire

is there a plan to this design
constraint within space and time
the clouds, the flowers, the trees, and sea
cannot be made for only me

so tell me please what do you know
when we die do our souls flow
become stardust in the sky
or has that been just a lie

maybe we're all in a dream
and nothing is as it seems
and when my body becomes slack
and my world fades to black

I want to believe there might be more
only one lifetime with you I deplore
a thousand lifetimes may be enough
but having just one makes it tough

in case this is my lone chance
I cannot leave life to circumstance
I know I wish to hold you dear
and have you in my life year after year

Once upon a time ago,
A phoenix dared kiss a dove;
Together, wings beat with love,
With ador true, passion slow.

Phoenix of autumnal light,
Hearts collide and lit aglow.
Together, they could both grow,
Through open skies they took flight.

Once they moved in tandem, now
Still as a set sun they lay.
Easy love they did portray;
Though turtle promised no vows.

Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead;
Died it did when Phoenix fled,
Dove still feels a loss, immense.

Phoenix from ash is reborn;
And perfect as they hath seemed
(Like nothing could come between)
The dove from ash remains torn.

Feathers of flame and fury,
Fervor, passion, sparks ignite,
And ashes spread like a blight,
Below, dove burned to bury.

Reciprocity a dream,
With singed wings, dove died on dirt,
What remained; a numbing hurt,
Death of love is now the theme.

For True Love does not exist,
Phoenix burned the whole night through,
From turtledove they withdrew,
Love is only reminisced.

So heed this tale as warning:
Wise the owl who stands alone,
Or eagles heart, cut from stone,
Now the crows stay in mourning.

I'm not that kind of doctor,
you tell me, while holding the scalpel
slowly cutting necrotic epidermis
every time you grin and smile
the dead skin tissue, gone
parts of me, mending

My doctorate is in arts,
you say, while holding the needle
slowly stitching cardiac sutures
when you press your lips to my wrist
pieces of my heart sewn together
I am whole once more

I've studied philosophy and literature,
you claim, while holding the pump
slowly collecting platelets and plasma
as you look into my eyes, you are
delivering a life-saving transfusion
every piece is healed

i love you because you don't remind me of anyone
your full body slips between my tongue as i get to taste every inch of you
your warmth fills me with memories
the morning i woke up to your smell
the sheets on my bed are the same colour as your skin
and as i trailed my fingers along the edges of your cup
i suddenly realized that my *** is empty
and i am
alone