3am, everyone is sleeping,
In a dark room sits a girl in bed shaking.
Looking for anything to numb the pain,
And quiet the heavy thoughts in her brain.

She has never had this brave idea before,
She goes and sneaks in her brothers drawer,
Pulls out his sharp army blade,
And runs to the bathroom where reality fades.

From an old art set she finds her own tool.
Continues to treat her stomach and thighs cruel.
She discovered this way to cope in 9th grade,
And now in 11th doesn’t let her scars fade.

How can you pretend we were never close
Treat me like **** because I didn't put you first I needed to distance myself from you
For the first time I was putting myself ahead of others
Saw what you were doing to me was making the pain harsher
So I had to say no
Because caring about you made all my progress lost
I always put others first
Let them step on me so their shoes won't get ruined with dirt
Now I said no
At first you were mad snapped at me
I guess because I was the one that said no
So I'm the bad guy
But now you look at me like dirt on the floor
Like I'm nothing to you
Was I only something to you when I gave you what you wante
Only made me feel like a human When I said yes
You told me to value myself And not harm my body
I guess what you only meant that I should come second
You first
So don't you dare look at me Like I deserve your coldness
Like I'm the bad guy
Don't you dare turn away when I made an effort for peace
Stop making me feel like nothing
For choosing me

I miss you so much all the time.
How much you made me shine.
No one will ever be as good as you,
Because one day I’ll say “I do”.

Let’s prove everyone wrong.
Right now I’m crying to our song.
you said one day we will dance to together.
Even though you insist you’re no dancer.

Yes maybe I’ll hang with guys now.
Try and be a normal teen somehow,
To numb the pain of you who I’m missing.
It’s for you who my heart is constantly aching.

One day when this is all over,
I’ll be crying on your shoulder.
Finally in your arms ,and one thing I know,
I will never ever be letting go.

Lines marked so neatly
Parallel to each other
On my leg horizontally
Each of them redder

Like pencils lined up
Neatly in a row.
Without any breakup
All perfectly so

Some are faded
Some fresher
Some lighter
And some harsher

Drawn carefully
To bleed and stain
Makes me have safety
To feel the pain

Life feels too heavy.
Too many worries.
Too many pressures.
Too many responsibilities.
Too many hardships.
Pain.
Despair.
Hope turns to despair.
Happiness turns to numbness.
Calmness turns to pain.

Too fast.
So bleed.
Bleed.
Bleed.
Till everything is silent.
But it’s not silent.
It’s not working.
Making me panic.
Why isn’t it working?

the thought strikes
clings with its whole might
just take the blade
before old scars fade
fighting to keep the thoughts at bay
just cut the inside pain away
hugging my tear soaked pillow
drowning in my sorrow
I shakingly sit up
Reach for the blade where it was last put
I know I shouldn’t be doing this
But the pain I cant help but miss
It silences how I feel inside
I don’t always do it to die
Just to do at least one thing
That no one else is controlling
I really want to now
To stop I don’t know how
So I give in and take the razor
Raise my pant legs and hover over
Bring the knife to my skin
Till my legs get crimson
When im done with my thing
My poor thighs sting
Now I don’t focus on the inside pain
Or feel as insane
I just let the bleeding
Do the healing.