I know our relationship was wrong,
It never should have reached that point.
I thought I was smart,
But your love was some crazy hit.
I was so alone,
In such such mind numbing pain.
You were also mentally ******,
Didn’t realize our relationship was insane.
Why do I still miss you?
And think about you all the time.
When I know you shouldn’t have done this,
Knew from the start it was a crime.
Everyone calls you a sick creep,
And I really wish to believe this.
Because then it wouldn’t be so hard,
I wouldn’t be in painful abyss.
Still can’t believe I fell for it,
Allowed myself to be swept along.
You were there for a reason,
Made me believe I belong.
Made me smile through the tears,
When I was at my lowest.
You really did help,
Made me become my best.
I wouldn’t have fell for it and you,
Unless it was for a reason.
To keep me alive,
But I still have a question.
Why the hell did it have to be this way?
Why the **** did it have to be you?
Why couldn’t the person who saved me,
Be someone I can stay close to?

I had the pill bottle open,
I was ready to take the plunge.

Blood running down my thighs,
Dripping on the dark wooden floor.

Had written the note,
Saying why I give up.

Had panickly called the hotline,
Shockingly dialed the number.

Hung up when a kind woman answered,
Too scared to be talked out of it.

Spilled the pills in my palm,
The knife still cutting every inch available.

But I wasn’t brave,
Couldn’t do it.

Was a wimp,
So fell asleep.

Rode on the bus,
Wincing from the pain.

Smiled,
Faked.

I can’t find the note,
Did I throw it out.

Did I imagine the night,
Did it really happen.

No I have scars to prove it,
But they are fading.

And I’m fading again,
So will I do it again.

It’s a year later,
I’m braver now.

Clouds look so free
They are able to shape themselves
Have a vast canvas
To spread their art
But while they look though most free
They are prison to routine
When they finally look the best
They fall apart

When I space out
I’m not in lala land.

I’m in the depths of hell
Drowning alone.

I’m not skipping amongst flowers
With a lover holding my hand.

I’m alone suffering my self inflicted pain.
Even if I’m surrounded by my people.

So don’t wave your hand in front of my face.
And make me pretend to be happy with you.

Just let me suffer alone.

On the floor music blasting in my ears.
The music echoing in my aching chest.
Every anxious thought striking me with fear.
Leaving me cloudy and depressed.

The artists music reflecting their pain.
That makes me feel like they are with me.
Like being dry in the rain.

It’s looks so perfect.
Somehow in those 60 seconds,
Everything aligns so perfectly,
I just stare at the clock,
How good times looks.

But now it reminds me
Of how imperfect life is for me now
I lost someone so perfect,
Who always made me feel so aligned.

I would stare into those rich eyes,
Like I stare at the clock,
And things would feel perfect.
But others just see us as ugly.

So now when I look at the clock
I don’t see 11:11
I see you.
Baby,
You’re my 11:11 forever.

It’s not my fault
Is what I’m trying really hard to believe.
But you are the sweetest
So how can someone like you do this to me.o

It’s not my fault,
I keep telling myself.
I was ******* drunk,
You shouldn’t have take my yes legitimate.

It’s not my fault,
It’s hard to believe you would take advantage like that.
I’m usually the problem .
But it wasn’t mine this once.

It’s not my fault,
You should have know better,
I think you did.
You just knew I would never allow this sober.

It’s not my fault
you jumped at my “yes”
Then had the nerve to say the next day
I would never without consent.

I’m trying so hard to quiet that voice,
Keep repeating to myself,
It’s not my fault,
But I think it’s my fault.

Here I am laying on the floor,
Locked all the doors.
I cut and drank,
The ship already sank.

I’ll do it again,
I feel so **** shaken.
Hurting and numb all over,
It would be worse if I was sober.

When they call me to come down,
I’ll drag myself up and wipe the frown.
Won’t be a difficult child,
To my pain, everyone is blind.

I miss being cherished by you
Saying to you I love you too
Falling asleep to you breathing
Being the first I talk to in the morning

I wonder what your doing now
I wish to hug you somehow
But all I feel is an ache in my chest
But to be loved by you I was truly blessed

I think of us when I lay in bed
And all the sudden I feel your warmth spread
But it’s not the same and makes me miss you more
I wish you would know it’s you who I cry for.

My hero doesn’t wear a cape,
She wears scars that are deepest.

My hero isn’t tall and strong,
She 4’11 and her shoe size is 5.

Although along her journey she may have saved lives,
The best life she saved was her own.

She doesn’t have trophies to show for her triumphs.
Nor recognized approval from the world.

Had every excuse to succumb and admit defeat,
But from the recesses of hell she came crawling.

I only know some of what she went through,
But even the smallest still makes her my hero.

When I talk to her and tell her my pain,
My thoughts flow from my mouth without hesitation.

She gives me hope and I feel less alone,
I speak to her like I speak to no other.

My hero is saving me from falling too deep,
My hero is wrapping me in her cape.

Im filled with emotions,
I can no longer speak.
It’s like I’m locked in my own prison,
Emotions struggling to be released.

Within me i am drowning,
But I don my happy face.
An internal war roaring,
Struggling to keep it locked in the safe.

I can not allow myself to loosen yet,
Rarely am I allowed to.
Through the day i make it through,
It’s my happy mask that talks to you.

I wish I can let the feelings out,
As they trickle in.
All day the inside prisoners shout,
Grasping and clawing at my skin.

From time to time, late at night,
Raw words from a song will pierce the wall.
The feelings are flicked on like a light,
surrendering myself to the abyss as I fall.

This all feels my fault,
Peoples pain.

A burden to be friends with,
Annoying and plain.

The black sheep in the family,
The one everyone calls insane.

Yell at me when your frustrated,
Pile your **** on my brain.

What would have happened if I knocked on their door,
With blood running down my thighs.
Letting them see what I was going through,
Would I have been on the bus the next day.
On the way to school,
Wondering if anyone cared .
Would I be here now,
I know they would have gotten me extreme help.
And maybe I would have gotten that help,
Maybe I wouldn’t be cutting still,
Wondering if anyone cares .

3am, everyone is sleeping,
In a dark room sits a girl in bed shaking.
Looking for anything to numb the pain,
And quiet the heavy thoughts in her brain.

She has never had this brave idea before,
She goes and sneaks in her brothers drawer,
Pulls out his sharp army blade,
And runs to the bathroom where reality fades.

From an old art set she finds her own tool.
Continues to treat her stomach and thighs cruel.
She discovered this way to cope in 9th grade,
And now in 11th doesn’t let her scars fade.

Life feels too heavy.
Too many worries.
Too many pressures.
Too many responsibilities.
Too many hardships.
Pain.
Despair.
Hope turns to despair.
Happiness turns to numbness.
Calmness turns to pain.

Too fast.
So bleed.
Bleed.
Bleed.
Till everything is silent.
But it’s not silent.
It’s not working.
Making me panic.
Why isn’t it working?

Lines marked so neatly
Parallel to each other
On my leg horizontally
Each of them redder

Like pencils lined up
Neatly in a row.
Without any breakup
All perfectly so

Some are faded
Some fresher
Some lighter
And some harsher

Drawn carefully
To bleed and stain
Makes me have safety
To feel the pain

I miss you so much all the time.
How much you made me shine.
No one will ever be as good as you,
Because one day I’ll say “I do”.

Let’s prove everyone wrong.
Right now I’m crying to our song.
you said one day we will dance to together.
Even though you insist you’re no dancer.

Yes maybe I’ll hang with guys now.
Try and be a normal teen somehow,
To numb the pain of you who I’m missing.
It’s for you who my heart is constantly aching.

One day when this is all over,
I’ll be crying on your shoulder.
Finally in your arms ,and one thing I know,
I will never ever be letting go.

How can you pretend we were never close
Treat me like **** because I didn't put you first I needed to distance myself from you
For the first time I was putting myself ahead of others
Saw what you were doing to me was making the pain harsher
So I had to say no
Because caring about you made all my progress lost
I always put others first
Let them step on me so their shoes won't get ruined with dirt
Now I said no
At first you were mad snapped at me
I guess because I was the one that said no
So I'm the bad guy
But now you look at me like dirt on the floor
Like I'm nothing to you
Was I only something to you when I gave you what you wante
Only made me feel like a human When I said yes
You told me to value myself And not harm my body
I guess what you only meant that I should come second
You first
So don't you dare look at me Like I deserve your coldness
Like I'm the bad guy
Don't you dare turn away when I made an effort for peace
Stop making me feel like nothing
For choosing me

the thought strikes
clings with its whole might
just take the blade
before old scars fade
fighting to keep the thoughts at bay
just cut the inside pain away
hugging my tear soaked pillow
drowning in my sorrow
I shakingly sit up
Reach for the blade where it was last put
I know I shouldn’t be doing this
But the pain I cant help but miss
It silences how I feel inside
I don’t always do it to die
Just to do at least one thing
That no one else is controlling
I really want to now
To stop I don’t know how
So I give in and take the razor
Raise my pant legs and hover over
Bring the knife to my skin
Till my legs get crimson
When im done with my thing
My poor thighs sting
Now I don’t focus on the inside pain
Or feel as insane
I just let the bleeding
Do the healing.