Take me to a field of flowers
and
confess your love to me.

With nature as our witness
and time as our officiant.

Hold me as the sweet scent
sways us
and the breeze
tells our story.

-M

Today, I yearn for you.
There is a heaviness in my heart that I try and center as a weight to ground me.
Do you think that's always something we must carry alone?
But today, it threatens to push over anything in its way, gaining momentum with each passing second.

Today, I yearn for my innocence.
For that lightness in my soul that washed the world in hues of pink and possibility.

Today, I bury the girl I once was.
I lay down flowers at her grave, and I cry hot tears of anger and sadness.
All while trying to make sense of the imperfections inherent in life.

Today, I try to heal my heart while making space for yours.

Today, my being misses yours.
Today, I yearn for you.

Not only as company for another lost soul.
But, as a reflection in your heart that is in my image.

Today, I pray you are searching for me too.

-M

I think there's something about youth that a lot of 'adults' forget:
those years between 20-25, might as well be 15,
they are long and arduous
and will test your will more times than  you think possible.

But it is here where your character is forged.
Where your soul picks a path,
an identity in relation to this world.

Because what is the self if not in relation to another?

And from there, the current of this identity takes you along to 30, 35, 40, 50, 60 and onwards.

Some people buckle under this pressure,
it is intense and cutting.
And takes both rigidity in one's persistence
and
softness in one's heart.

Because a hardened heart cannot be imprinted on.

And that might just be the point of existence.
To be imprinted by love and to spread the same.

Kindness is a choice.

We choose in the pressure chambers of our 20s if we are nice,
or kind,
or neither.

I hope when you look in the mirror, you are as proud of your choice as I am.

It is this kindness within you
that you have nourished and grown,
with intent, and through a labour of love,
that will always carry you forward.

Kindness is a choice, but we were also lucky to be gifted this by Mom and Dad,
and from them ever since.

Their commitment to kindness
to keeping this softness in their hearts,
reminds me to do the same.

They have this inherently within them because of the communities they grew up in.
We are removed from these parts of our roots,
and that particular cultural piece
is not the same for us.

As such,
it will be our life's work to keep this knowing at the forefront of our minds.
And hearts.

However, this is still not a weight we must bear alone.
We do this in communities just the same.

It will not be easy
and will take both hard work and dedication,
but it does get easier.

The current picks up with time.

I feel fortunate to have you
on my team for this task ahead.

We have our work cut out for us,
and at this particular moment, we must go at it alone.

But that does not mean we are ever alone.

That community.
That safety net.
Those hearts imprinted with  yours,
of past, present and future,
always remain.

This is my hope for you
as you go into this next chapter: that even when you are alone, you are never lonely
with this knowing.

My heart always remains soft and open to yours,
M

I'm a raw, exposed
crab, molting
a
new skin.

Sometimes
I write to you
when I’m sad
but today,

I write to you from
all the
love and joy
that is
coursing through me.

From the place of opportunity
and
abundance I find myself in.

I miss you

but I no longer feel
consumed
by this longing.

I feel excited
and oddly
rejuvenated.

Dickens:
"the pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again"

And it is the meeting
again
I find myself focused on.

The pain
of being
torn
away,

although there

is now more akin to
a faint smell that lingers on
well past when
you've left
the room.

This lingering reminds me I’m human.
And for that I am grateful.

Because
no pain holds
me
in its grips
anymore,

for I have turned myself
into water that easily slips
through
the cage meant to hold me.

-

Know that I am sending you love from my heart and warmth from my soul.

I hope this provides you
strength
and
shelter,
however brief.

Till we meet,
M

Something happens for you
something changes,
a part of your power
a part of your abilities
a part of you

when you’re faced with truth,
and choice,
when moving from known
into uncertainty

and in the face of this
adversity,
you lose a part of
yourself.

The smoke
it hangs low,
a weight in my lungs
like the feeling in my soul

the forests
burn themselves,
and out of destruction,
the new growth is born,
like us

be born again,
let my love
nourish & caress you
scars and all

rise to the
challenge
when fear beckons

lay your heavy head
and tired mind
in my lap
and let your tears
of sadness,
and longing
flow in the space between my legs

let go.

and like that,
I will hold you
& show you the
promises I won’t
break

let me reveal
my inner corners
as you show me yours,
and prove to you
how tender I will be
with your delicate
heart

resist the temptation
& give into me
instead

make love to me.

lay your lips
on mine
& slip yourself
into the space
between my hips

let me show you
true ecstasy,
let the arch of
my back
show you what
words can’t

let our bated breaths
& escaping moans
be our solemn vow
that fear
will
never
rule here
again

let your fingers
get tangled in my hair
as your heart beats
against mine,
as a reminder of what
is ours

have courage
& fervour
to hold on,
when fear
taunts you to let go,
when it smirks
because the intensity
almost burns,
& your soul bleeds
and your bones ache
& your
will is
tested

in these dark moments,
find strength in me

because something happens for you
something changes,
a part of your power
a part of your abilities
a part of you

when you’re faced with truth,
and choice,
when moving from known
into uncertainty,
when you’re
fearless.

My young body is impatient.

Restless

a bird
in a gilded cage
that would be at peace
for
if not for cage
there to rattle against
like ribs
creating a fortress

she mistakenly
thinks freedom
is granted

hungry for experience
so that her bones may know her truth.

My old soul is ever-patient with her.

Understanding
the energy and vitality of youth
and its contagion

my old soul waits

needing no one else's company but
her own,
she will wait lifetimes if she must

because, for her, there is only one
other
to wait
for.

She sits behind me
and my pain,
under a beautiful arc of roses
dripping
the colour of blood

watching over,
and watching those
that have failed her test
with
compassionate
knowing eyes.

For she doesn't know
what
he looks like in this life,
but she'll know
when she sees him

she will feel it when they meet

and an entire lifetime
will
be
captured in
the
intensity
of their gaze.

I search for him,
he who would take my pain
and carry it as his own

even just for a moment,
so I that I could feel what it is to breathe without this weight on my ribcage.

They walk
through
my gates

through my garden,

and see the ugliness of my pain
holding court in the center,
and would flee in fear
and disgust.

And each time I sat next to
my pain,
holding its hand
and
letting my tears nourish the earth around
its deep roots
that wind through,
because nothing and no one else
dared to go nearer.

I sat, the only company my pain
has ever known
and told it with damp eyes that watch
the abandon,
that they are beautiful
just as they are,

and that men that can't see
beauty
in pain,
are simply boys
playing.

And each time,
my heart bleeds a little less.

And so I sit in wait
with the only real company
I've ever known
and hope for more,
tomorrow.

I wash your sins
within me

I heal
and nurture
them

not for you,
and one moment
on your long list.

I cleanse
your transgressions for me

and for her,

and our daughters
and their daughters.

In the
undercurrent of my
being,
I bathe my wound
and swim
and search

for a way
forward,

because what is
existence
if not time
pulling
us along?

-

I think
I was born into
this life
a healer.

To feel this shared
pain
and see its shadows

as if light, reflecting
and dancing
against a wall,
creating
constellations
of
heartache.

I see now
my purpose,

to connect with the
heavens unknown
from this

earth

so this wicked
energy may
leave
this

world.

And us.

To nourish each other,
so that we can choose
to transcend
pain

a human existence,
where love
and its triumphs,
and
deepest
darkest
of
pitfalls

coalesce
into this flesh
to
cross both space and time
to make
generations.

This flesh,
that I now wear
proudly,
albeit
timidly
at times.

This paradox,
I want
for her too.

I'm sad.
And that's okay.

This heaviness in my heart
is not mine alone,
I carry it for my mother
and my father
and his mother

I carry it for her husband

who quickly became
the demon
sleeping in the
shadows
that then became
a
stain
who's faint edges
still linger.

Deep and bruised
like my heart
after that day
confused and
oh, so green

I was already shedding
my innocence,
but you stole
hers

in one moment.

And for this
she
starves
herself
of nourishment

of unadulterated
joy

her body,
something she feels
shame
about

all because you thought
every
body
was yours
to be played
with.

It's been 19 years
and America
is still
burning.

The death & destruction
carries on
without prejudice,
hungrily  
taking all in its wake
and leaving sorrowed
loved ones
behind.

Man creates man.
Man destroys man.

The only constant is the earth
below our feet
& our conflict with each other,
from whose blood and ashes
a new one
is born.

When will we wake to see
we have been the masters
of our own terror
all along?

Come forth
little one
and be guided
by the warmth
of your own
light

Something happens for you
something changes,
a part of your power
a part of your abilities
a part of you

when you’re faced with truth,
and choice,
when moving from known
into uncertainty

and in the face of this
adversity,
you lose a part of
yourself

The words want to escape..
I understand
it is our nature;
yours,
mine,
everyone's,

it is the human condition
& our shared suffering

but don’t you see?

it only masks the
demons
that come out when
fear
runs rampant
& to win the fight
we must be
brave
& discover
what parts of
our nature need
taming

because I’ve seen you
move mountains
& together
we can move Earth itself

Imagine for a fleeting moment,
the dark side of the moon
and it’s just you & I

summon that same
courage
& fervour

be bold.

in the face of adversity
that is my hope for you,
that you find
your fearlessness
so you can be
free

The smoke
it hangs low,
a weight in my lungs
like the feeling in my soul

the forests
burn themselves,
and out of destruction,
the new growth is born,
like us

be born again,
let my love
nourish & caress you
scars and all

rise to the
challenge
when fear beckons

Lay your heavy head
and tired mind
in my lap
and let your tears
of sadness,
and longing
flow in the space between my legs

let go.

and like that,
I will hold you
& show you the
promises I won’t
break

let me reveal
my inner corners
as you show me yours,
and prove to you
how tender I will be
with your delicate
heart

tell me,
how do I show you
I am worthy
of all your virtue
& vanity

Something happens for you,
something changes

when you’re faced with truth,
and choice,
when moving from known
into uncertainty,

resist the temptation
& give into me
instead

make love to me.

lay your lips
on mine
& slip yourself
into the space
between my hips

let me show you
true ecstasy,
let the arch of
my back
show you what
words can’t

let our bated breaths
& escaping moans
be our solemn vow
that fear will never
rule here
again

let your fingers
get tangled in my hair
as your heart beats
against mine,
as a reminder of what
is ours

have courage
& fervour
to hold on,
when fear
taunts you to let go,
when it smirks
because the intensity
almost burns,
& your soul bleeds
and your bones ache
& your will is
tested

in these dark moments,
find strength in me

because something happens for you
something changes,
a part of your power
a part of your abilities
a part of you

when you’re faced with truth,
and choice,
when moving from known
into uncertainty,
when you’re
fearless

Be kind to yourself,
as you are with others

You have these
grand expectations
of yourself
and at times,
those around you

It's good to have goals
and a hunger for
betterment,
but you must also be
vigilant
to keep them realistic

Because, while you are indeed
fierce & strong-willed,
you are also soft
& at times
fragile

You are human.

But that doesn't mean
you are without
superpowers

Your sensitivity is your greatest gift,
but without care,
can also be your greatest
downfall

You must learn to master your craft.

This means to be
patient with yourself
as you would with others,
to show compassion
as you would with others,
to show love,
grace,
& humility,
to yourself

This in practice,
is to truly understand,
& epitomise,
that self-care
is not
selfish

That it is okay to say no,
or to ask for help,
or to be truly
vulnerable

To acknowledge
that fear is
the root cause
of bitterness
& resentment

To embrace the lows,
for making the highs even
sweeter

To let the good wash
over you
the same as
the bad,
& embrace the micro changes,
as the meta
stays the same

To believe you are worthy,
of a great love,
the same as you believe
another's
worthy of
yours

To embody the idiom
that one can
only
truly love another,
after
they learn to love
themself,
& thus allowing
the hard-earned
victory
of grounded, stable
communion

To know the difference between
support
& advice,
love
& lust,
friendships
& partnerships

To have
faith
that you will find your way,
because you will;
because you live your life
with generosity
& authenticity

This is my vision for you,
that you will
make this your reality.

I can't turn you down
I have every intention
of saying

No.
I can't.
I can't keep torturing myself like this.

But, when the moment comes
I can't resist
It's just the way it is
and we both know it

Because I crave feeling
you close to me,
holding me
for a moment
allowing ourselves
to be one

Because the moment
when you kiss my forehead
my heart beats out
of my chest, so hard
I'm scared you can feel it
pressed up against yours
and melts,
into a pool of your own

I can't turn you down

Not in those
rare moments of
tenderness
with an honesty
that touch can never
betray
in the way words & silences
can and will

And all my resolve
and self-control
evaporates
like the sparks flying
into the night sky

As we take off
each other's clothes
entering into our
forbidden

When the lights turn down
I can't turn you down

But when we wake
to the light of day
we go back to being
just you
and me.

Disentangling our legs
and souls

And after you leave
I lie there still
and vow to myself
that next time
I will turn you down