its 99 cents for any cup of
Coffee
MakeDamnSure is playing on the radio
It’s colder outside than last night
But last night I was woozy
From the *****
And it could have actually been colder than it is tonight
The alcohol makes me warm with feelings that get to finally creep from the shadows
You know even I get tired of keeping it all in sometimes

The sheets are a deep teal
The cat has a UTI and is ******* blood
Theres a bowl next to me,
Half smoked
You’re touching my ***
But I can’t shake the thought
Of never being enough for you
We live together
We sleep in the same bed
You pop my pimples
I check your eyes for styes
I scratch your hair
You hold me when I cry
But in the mists of it all
I feel I fell short somewhere between the *** stained sheets and the moments we can’t breath because we’re laughing too hard
I feel it lies somewhere in my character that I will forever fall short

The chatter in the room is almost mundane
The woman behind me has a dog she’s keeping outside who the neighbors aren’t too fond of because he’s a bit loud at night
I got to my hair appointment almost 15 minuets late as I slipped through the door of the I suppose modern styled ‘Yellow Strawberry’ my mother was on the phone
She wears this head set that wraps around your neck and never realizes she yells when she is talking to people and it makes me cripplingly anxious
The mirrors are tall and filled with unimpressed faces glaring at us as my marvelous royal purple polyester velvet skirt glistens in the sunlight peeking in from the dropped shades
I mutter out the time of my appointment apologize that we are late and give them my name
I know it is spelt wrong in the computer, and the odds of one of the people in here having a dog named bella are unbelievable high
As I’m escorted back to my hair dressers station I remember, I need to repaint my chipped glittery red nail polish before I pick all of it off and feel disgusting
But this particular nail polish is extremely difficult to get off and I regret every-time I paint my nails with it
But it looks so ******* beautiful in the sunlight and my lover adores the color against my almost porcelain  like skin so I indulge from now and again
I am here to hopefully cut about three inches off of my hair, it’s getting too long it sits painfully at about an inch or two below my shoulders
Four months ago I cut off about 10 inches and I felt about 50 pounds of anxiety lift from my chest
I think my fears started to manifest in my curls and the knots that kept returning reminding me over and over again I needed a desperate change
And now I’m finding myself approaching another much needed change, it’s nice

Falling in love
Feels quite similar
To doing your first whippit
Tingly and warm
Oblivious to what’s around you

I am spring
In love with winter

I just spent the last 30 minuets crying into my boyfriends chest
In the middle of my tear fest I choked out
“can we get Wendy’s?”

Your hands are soft as snow
But warm like the sun

Smudged makeup became the usual
With puffy eyes and bruised fists
Knees so painful I can’t leave bed
A back that feels broken
Its like I’m flying through the forest at a 100 miles an hour and I keep hitting everything
I’m so wreckless and so scared
I never thought this is who I’d be

I am drained
Sluggish
Unmotivated
Tired
I try waking up earlier,
I try giving myself an extra 30 minuets for sleep
Nothing helps
I sit and stare
Like a brain dead zombie
I don’t know what to say
I know I could do better
I could make myself work
I could push forward and hope to gain the motivation and strength to continue
But even the little things that used to be so simple I could do them in my sleep seem monumental to me now
I don’t know if my problems got bigger
Or I got smaller
But they’re definitely not being dealt with today

I can’t look you in the eyes
I can’t do my work
I can’t crawl out of bed for more than ten minutes at a time
My bones feel like paper and my skin feels like a jacket that’s two sizes too small and I can’t wiggle around enough to stretch it in the slightest
It’s like everything I once was oozed out of me all at once and I’m just a fleshy shell
I wish to regress to a simpler time
Say, being five and ignorant naturally
When all I was upset about was sharing toys or seeing my dad
I hate these big girl problems
The time it takes to heal
I want to get upset about dropping my animal crackers again then my punishment is taking a nap, I’m tired of feelin as if all I am doing is turning the wrong corner every chance I get, I didn’t think this is who I would ever be

You should never apologize
For doin the right thing
It’s only natural

I used to sit outside of liquor stores
For the beast who helped make me
Dripping in sweat with frizzy pig tails
And curly blonde hair
***** clothes that were too small, blisters on my feet
Bubblegum overchewed leaving a sour taste in the back of my throat but i keep squishing it between my teeth
***** hands with little fingers
Small body no dreams
I was clueless
I’d make mud pies in the sunlight on hot summer days
Florida has never been beautiful to me
But it’s where I’ve always lived
The palm trees are rough and the sand sticks to your toes
Coyotes often roamed the areas so I wasn’t permitted to go out at night
Orange trees sit in the backyard dying of disease
They’re sick and twisted, they reminded me of me
I’d **** squirrels and birds in me free time
I never felt a single thing
My eyes were blank and emotionless
I was only a child when you did this to me

Metal
Gore grind
Alternative
Rap
I want to draw
As I flip through my colorful music selection on my phone I’ve been adding to for the past 7 years
I regret not painting my heart out of my chest
And drawing until my wrists shrivel up and fall off
All I do is write
And it’s
Never enough
I stuff myself into a shell
And refuse to get out
When will I be me again?

To the lizards getting stuck behind my window screen,
I understand the feeling of confusion and panic,
like the beautiful flowers obliterated in harsh storms and the flies stuck aimlessly flying in dining halls with no escape,
I truly understand,
It's never easy being so alone

There is a silence in nature
The mutual law
That we have disrupted
Now chaos reigns