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Dec 2019 · 170
Awake
Iz Dec 2019
Oh the feeling of relief it brings to finally see who someone truly is
And to no longer resent the ominous nature of their persona but to embrace your new found vision
By finally moving on
Sep 2019 · 166
Ownership
Iz Sep 2019
I have no words to speak
You took them from me
like a rose I am red and rouge
cut me open
I belong to you
Sep 2019 · 96
Labyrinth
Iz Sep 2019
I keep running like this quicksand won’t engulf me like these waves won’t break me like this ground won’t take me
I’ve spent my life in the fast lane just to come to a screeching halt
All that I’ve ever known has bubbled down to dope
The memories play like a movie on repeat
I can’t escape the things that have been done to me
Aug 2019 · 116
Dusty bones
Iz Aug 2019
Without these words
I am nothing but dust and bone
Aug 2019 · 51
Quarantine
Iz Aug 2019
These four walls are all I’ve grown to know
This bed under me and every broken spring
Has formed to my body like a second skin
The fan makes the same noise and nothing
Is out of place
Everyday I sit and lay I wash the dishes I clean the floor
I do what’s asked I do what’s yours
These bones have grown to the size of this home
I want to get out but there is nowhere to go
I’m tired of living like a prisoner in my own home
This anxiety this panic it’s left me alone
Alone in ways I never imagined one could be
A loneliness so deep it engulfs me
Iz Aug 2019
‪When you hear “think before you speak”
what you should be hearing is
“ be aware of the emotions you’re about to convey and if they’re actually how you feel” recognize what you feel
before you push those emotions onto those around you ‬
Aug 2019 · 870
Paper clips and pocket lint
Iz Aug 2019
I sit and watch
As an elderly man eats a 79 cent ice cream
From the local gas station that resides at the end of my neighborhood
It’s 10:02 P.M. and my head hurts
It’s hurt for two weeks
everyday the same pain greets me
with the piercing sensation of someone pressing their thumbs so deeply into my eyes then wiggling them around in the ajar sockets like a bowling ball too big to grasp
I’m tired of breathing this insatiable need for oxygen burdens me to no end
I can’t feel my toes I’ve stood too long
Blood pools in my feet as my chest half heartedly pumps blood wearily through this haunted frame
I can’t close my eyes all I see is what I’ve lived
This worn down shabby life worth two paper clips and some pocket lint at best
Aug 2019 · 214
Rinse and repeat
Iz Aug 2019
I have a case of OCD
Where I can’t touch ***** dishes
It repulses me to the point of vomiting
I used to wash dishes like a ******* machine as a child
I was the only one at my fathers who would
No one would touch them until I would return
That resentment transformed into this anxiety so big it’s like a monster is going to pop out of the sink and ******* eat me
I can’t touch the walls of showers, mold used to grow to heavily in the grout I thought if I scratched through it I just might stubble upon a forest amongst the fungus
You see,
Fear lives inside us like a parasite growing and changing it takes form in familiar scenarios it traps you in corners you declare your comfort zone only to be the most uncomfortable place you could put yourself
Aug 2019 · 44
Abandonment
Iz Aug 2019
It’s funny how easily
We can feel abandoned
Even when they’re in the same
Room as you
Something as simple as a look
Sends your anxiety through the rough
It starts
The questions
The never ending what if’s that
Suffocate any logical thought until it’s
But a faint whisper amongst the roar of doubt
When will I move on
And realize it’s okay to be alone
Even if I’m not
Aug 2019 · 50
Ally oop
Iz Aug 2019
I sit teary eyed as it plays
The memories come rushing in like tides
Vicious and ripping followed by a storm
I loved this song
And you loved it too
We’d listen to it on repeat
I was just a child
I didn’t know then who you were
And why you hurt me so much
And it hurts more now than I imagined to remember being so innocent so unknowingly ignorant to the abuse
The shadow of where a father should have been grows darker and darker as you slip farther and farther away into your addictions
I’m tired of knowing
I want to be innocent again big eyed and full of life
Jul 2019 · 41
Music and the memories
Iz Jul 2019
Sometimes I am thrown back into a memory
So good it breaks me heart I can never feel it again
Jul 2019 · 795
Stress disorder
Iz Jul 2019
You’ve left me trapped in
Memories too vile to escape
I run and I run but you’re always
Inches away
Every time I think I’ve beat you you’re
Hands grip my frame and I scratch and I claw but you always pull me back
into your disgusting embrace
Jul 2019 · 47
Reminiscent/comparison
Iz Jul 2019
It’s a Friday night not too humid not too hot
I was raised on rainy summers and muddy feet
Stained clothes and yellow teeth
A bath every three days and hair untamed
So nights like these are unfamiliar
I don’t know where the rain went or how it manifested into only an emotional thing
I remember taking hours to pack for beach trips and coming home burnt to a crisp
Boogie boards and big waves skinned knees and salty hair
now I lay in bed basking in self loathing
And I shower everyday
My hair is short
And I can’t go without brushing it
Is this what life is
Holding onto nothing's
Searching for the “light”
Jul 2019 · 73
Changing times
Iz Jul 2019
Brittle nails
And crunchy hair
That’s all I’ve bubbled down to be
But I’m okay,
For now
Jul 2019 · 24
Insignificant/10:13 PM
Iz Jul 2019
He eats noodles from a ***
That’s fresh off the stove
They’re hot and they burn as they
Slide down his throat
I sit back and watch as he dances
With his fork
Beard full of sauce top button popped
We sit on a couch stained with the memories of lives and loves too short
Funny how it really is the little things
The moments so insignificant that they themselves become significant in this strange memorable way
Like looking at the street lights as you drive around in the rain
I’m convinced by the time I die I’ll have lived the best I could have in this insignificance
That’s all it is isn’t it
I guess it’s not that serious
Jul 2019 · 51
Moo
Iz Jul 2019
Moo
We own a black a white cat
With spots like a cow
And I’ve never heard him moo once
That’s all you need to know about how looks can be deceiving
Jul 2019 · 49
I miss you
Iz Jul 2019
It’s strange how the body can miss someone
Aside from the mind

It’s left my arms
Empty

My skin has gone
Cold

When will you be back
I need to take my body home
Jul 2019 · 28
slow death or purgatory?
Iz Jul 2019
If it weren’t for my body’s resilience
I’d surely be dead
I can’t eat I can’t sleep
I feel like I’m killing myself
Like I’ve cut off my limbs and I’m slowly bleeding out
Every drop of blood is agonizing but trust me I’m counting the gallons
It seems no matter how much I drain this life won’t leave me
Iz Jul 2019
They say where there is a will there is a way
But you tell me there’s no will inside you yet promise you know the way
As we walk over puddles through marshes and under the trees I begin to realize
You lied to me
This is no path we’ve taken but the road to our end and that is where we find ourselves tired and broken ceasing to go on brittle and beaten
Like a worn sickly dog
forward is a must to which I lack the will
Jul 2019 · 49
Ghosts and shadows
Iz Jul 2019
I have lived my life mourning the loss of love I have never had
Those warm family moments, dinner at a table
A good job for hard work,
It’s like a ghost only I can see
Walking eerily beside me
The antagonizing pain of knowing
No matter how far I reach how hard I grasp
I’ll never get my hands on that love
And I never had it in the past
Jul 2019 · 57
A wish from the damned
Iz Jul 2019
In the mists of my agony
I begged to stop breathing
Then I found myself here in endless purgatory
Iz Jun 2019
We sit and watch South Park
In a room so tense you could cut
The air with a chainsaw like a ******* tree
Jun 2019 · 67
What’s left to do?
Iz Jun 2019
Let it pour out of you
Like water from a broken dam
That’s all you can do
Jun 2019 · 34
The same but is it?
Iz Jun 2019
Every few months I find myself in the same parking lot
At the same laundromat
In the same parking space
Listening to the same melancholy music
Smoking out of the same bowl
But always having new conversations, never seeing the same two people
Jun 2019 · 65
Party hard die harder
Iz Jun 2019
I yearn for the adrenaline I get from slamming 8 drinks the scent of gasoline in my nose,
The feeling of being free for once in my condemned life
I just want to breath and not feel the weight of 20 cinderblocks stacked on my chest
It’s hard to live this life but I’m doing my best
Jun 2019 · 200
Therapy session 1
Iz Jun 2019
You walk in, noticing every obvious trap set
To make you crawl from that shell and open the conversation,
Then you sit
They must make a truth serum that they spray on those couches in the shrinks office
Because they make you spill your guts
Not more than a minute after sitting down it set in
I have to talk now
The water works started and I couldn’t shut them down
“There’s tissues to the left take your time”
The words are like tug of war and your tongue is winning concealing them in shame the embarrassment of feeling
Every sentence is broken up like a child learning to talk
The session passes in what seems an eternity as if the door was a portal to say the twilight zone
The minuets turn to centuries as sweat pools around you
Is this recovery?
Iz Jun 2019
I find myself touching you
Just to remind myself
You’re real
Maybe I’m in disbelief
Or I’m just so scared of one day waking up and you not being there
I have to remember you were here once and every time I touch you that’s the proof
Jun 2019 · 142
Hello, poetry
Iz Jun 2019
It’s been awhile
My nail beds grew brittle since the last time we spoke
My hair a shade or so darker
the cat has another uti and the dryer broke
Again
Won’t run for more than 10 without shutting off
They say it’s the tube it runs up the wall and pops out the roof
How stupid
It’s a fire hazard and just a **** big inconvenience
Every night we’ve spent pulling in and out of that laundry mat
Me legs feel like they’re stuck in molasses
This life is but to fast for a sugary sweet like me
I dream of dimes in the dozens and I’m not talking about change
Big lights and big bucks all coming my way
But I wake up in the same room
Living this same life
And i try so desperately to close my eyes
but those dreams aren’t what’s meant for this life
And I know it
May 2019 · 37
Trip 1
Iz May 2019
We lay naked in my bed
Reality as I know it melting around me
We formed a connection
But that connection did not last long
The sister I thought I had in you was but a near snake
As I watched it wiggle from your flesh
It was apparent the serpent is only but a pawn
In a vast large scheme
And I
Am nothing significant myself
May 2019 · 157
Ballerina
Iz May 2019
Sometimes I miss the rhythmic sound of my ballet slippers
Hitting the vinyl floor
The way I would soar through the air with grace and elegance,
I miss the discipline of the dance
The punishment and the reward
Iz May 2019
We never appreciate the social currency we receive until we find ourselves broke
May 2019 · 121
All I dream about is dough
Iz May 2019
If greed was a drug
Maybe I’d consider
Getting sober
Iz May 2019
It weighs you down
That weight of uncertainty
Like chains around your neck holding rocks too heavy to carry
You sink
Into a sea of overthinking
The “what if’s” become defanging
Drowning out all other thought
Is this hell?
May 2019 · 82
Cracked but coated
Iz May 2019
You dipped me in varnish
Like a beautiful work of art
But  must’ve  forgotten when you roll up
And unframed canvas it cracks
May 2019 · 78
Possum kingdom
Iz May 2019
My dad used to have a truck with the passenger side speakers blown out, and I vividly remember listening to possum kingdom by the toadies on repeat Swooning in the loud rumble of the speakers succumbing to the immense base making a distinct sound for each drop, driving in cars with working speakers and hearing the song just isn’t the same
Funny how nostalgia works
Making you miss the things you once dreaded
Apr 2019 · 211
Full of nothing
Iz Apr 2019
As the months grow farther from the times You couldn’t stand alone and would shake at the knees
You begin to forget what life was life before you caught the “skinny disease”
That overwhelming need to restrict what you eat, limit the water to reduce bloating
Your daily dance with the scale
The portions that seem to grow smaller and smaller
Until you eventually get to a level point
Where you feel “okay” and you stay on routine
That routine is engraved in your brain
It is ALL you know
Wake up, step on the scale, shower, drink one glass of water, pass the time doing small things or laying in bed to conserve your already minimal energy
and after months of slowly growing into yourself again it hits you
The portion sizes that never got bigger, the now weekly trips to the scale as if that’s any better
The consistent twirling in the mirror to check every angle every potion a person could possibly see you in determining am I still thin?
And you realize you didn’t get past this at all, you let it grow into who you are, and that’s why no one knows
After so long the things you needed to hide came out and no one noticed, they congratulated you, asked for dieting tips, and as you lied through your teeth you were disgusted at the shell you’ve become
And at that point is when you can
Finally move on.
Apr 2019 · 58
Not special
Iz Apr 2019
How long does it take until the repetitive action of doing something
No longer becomes special
And how do we know who pushed it over the edge
Apr 2019 · 577
Journey through time
Iz Apr 2019
I wish I could bring myself back
To when I was me, again
Apr 2019 · 59
Blue birds and backyards
Iz Apr 2019
There used to be a blue Jay that would visit a tree in my backyard daily
Last April I found him dead in the road
Stiff and lifeless
My backyard has since become very mundane
No birds visit anymore
Not even the ducks
Only weeds grow now in place of beautiful flowers
It’s odd how times change
But even more odd how we don’t notice until all the change has come and gone
Apr 2019 · 41
Who are you?
Iz Apr 2019
I’m a stranger to myself
The reflection I yearn for
Is empty as of the past few months
I stand in front of the mirror for hours on end
Just hoping to see
Me
But I am unrecognizable
Some nights I sit in the guilt
Of continuing like I know at all who I am
But what do I say
I hope I can wake up one day
And really see me
Iz Apr 2019
Falling in love
Feels quite similar
To doing your first whippit
Tingly and warm
Oblivious to what’s around you
Apr 2019 · 1.5k
Wildfire
Iz Apr 2019
You make me melt
Like butter on hot skillets
Before you cook us steak
And I mash the potatoes right next to you
Even when they’re under salted you tell me
You wouldn’t want to eat anything else
Your eyes are a fire too hot to touch
But whats better than burning love
The kind that leaves you in ashes
I sizzled and I sparked but now I am one with the flame
It causes my skin to bubble my hair to smoke
But the heats so **** hypnotic
I want to rest in your arms smoldering forever
Iz Mar 2019
Some days I feel as if I’ve melted into the earth
And become a fine goo
And others I feel as if I’ve been shot into the sky past the atmosphere and into the cosmos just to fall back down again into my gooey state of depression and self loathing
Mar 2019 · 313
Put on pause
Iz Mar 2019
There’s dirt and dried lavender squished so deeply into the carpet it can probably hear the ****** screaming from hell below
Similar to the roots so deeply imbedded in soil they forget there is the light of day above wanting so desperately to greet them
I understand the fear of having nothing left to hide
Secrecy becomes security and procrastination is a comfort
Maybe I should vacuum and sage out the lurking demons But I’ve found a peace in the chaos
I think I’m really scared to just hear the silence in this worn down home
Because that means it’ll be time to move on
And I don’t want to move or let go
Iz Mar 2019
Smudged makeup became the usual
With puffy eyes and bruised fists
Knees so painful I can’t leave bed
A back that feels broken
Its like I’m flying through the forest at a 100 miles an hour and I keep hitting everything
I’m so wreckless and so scared
I never thought this is who I’d be
I wrote this while I was blacked out
Iz Mar 2019
I like silk kimonos after long baths
Filled with beer and bongs that never go unpacked
I like cigarettes when my visions blurry
And midol for the headaches
I like to sleep later that I should and wake up in the middle of the day
I like long walks to nowhere and short walks to somewhere
Big fields and vast waters
I like feeling free
Mar 2019 · 71
Knife fight
Iz Mar 2019
This dagger encased in my mouth
Disguised as a tongue
I do not want it
I do not want to continue to slice through the skin of those I love dearly
but it comes unsheathed
And wrecklessly massacres the ones I hold close
I’m tired of seeing red
Mar 2019 · 57
Cardiac arrest
Iz Mar 2019
I just want to stop feeling like I’m ******* choking all the time
I just want to breath
Mar 2019 · 41
Everyday
Iz Mar 2019
How is it that everyday I find myself falling in love with you all over again
Like a sprinkle that turns to a pour you completely engulf me
And the tingles run up and down my arms and my chest touches the ceiling
I’m madly and completely in love with you like it’s the first time I realized it all over again and I swoon
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