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9.3k · Mar 2022
bag o' shite, 1.0
Caosín Mar 2022
I have, on my youtube, playlists of men.
kissing.

allow me to excuse myself, but it's not for fun and pleasure
it's quite the opposite, it's for my displeasure
but that's not entirely true.

I have them there
to remind me
that those men
will never be
me. I will never
Kiss someone
Hold someone
Love someone
like they do for eachother.

It's a feeling deep within my bones, a longing not to be ignored, a longing to hold and to be held. To kiss and be kissed.
to love
and be loved...
in a certain kinda way.
hahaha gay funee amirite
9.0k · Sep 2022
ana
Caosín Sep 2022
ana
they can't see, they can't see
that it coats my bones, bulges against my skin;
those little yellow bubbles
that make me want to give in.
8.2k · Sep 2022
DIY
Caosín Sep 2022
DIY
Crafty, they say, He's getting crafty
crafty with my lies and my made-up meals
crafty with my sound-blocking tactics
crafty with hiding the burning lines of white and red.
Baking, they say, He's getting into baking
baking my binges
baking my restriction
baking my omad
baking my sad-looking low-cal low-fat low-sugar low-carb high-protein
'meal'.
Crochet, they say, He's getting into crochet
crocheting ankle warmers to make my legs look skinny
half-finger gloves in an attempt to curb the permafrost that has begun to
knit itself around my bones.
Healthy, they say, He's getting healthy
as i workout until i faint
and do sit-ups until i have bruises on my spine.
fruit and veg and vitamins take priority
and suddenly i have taken an interest in running.
little rant about my ed
- Patroclus
2.9k · Sep 2022
you look so cis!
Caosín Sep 2022
i cut and i cut and i cut and i cut and yet
Still, it is there. One
post-it-note in permanent marker,
a diary entry written in pen.
Woman, it says.
Woman.
a lot of trans guys self harm on their chest, so i thought i'd write about it
2.1k · Jun 2021
ftm
Caosín Jun 2021
ftm
i thought that discovering who i was
would come as a relief.
i thought that (as foolish as it was) i would live
in a world of bright lights and love,
acceptance and home.
but no.
it came in the form of a trial of the heart, held by the conscience.
it came in the form of hatred and fear,
towards myself and others.
it came with a world of danger,
a world pitted against my being.
it came with guilt,
convulsing inside me, giving me bad posture.
it came in the blood running down my
arms, my legs
it came with pain.
it was Pandora's box: The Sequel
and in the place of hope was joy.
but I can't allow myself to feel that yet.
a little rant.
2.0k · Jan 2022
motherly instinct
Caosín Jan 2022
come now, little creature, curl up and let me surround you
let me sink warmth into your tired bones.
come now, little creature, let me sing you a lullaby
let my love for you grow.
come now, little creature, sleep now and get some rest
morning will come harshly if you will not lay down your head.
Tomorrow, little creature, it all starts up again
grasp for the small things that bring warmth to shrivelled hearts of men.
1.7k · Jan 2023
Thinspo
Caosín Jan 2023
My sick twisted gaze
On the women and the men
Thigh gaps, finger bones, ribs.
Thinspo: short for thinspiration. Inspiration to be thinner, photos of thin people in poses which enhances their thinness.
1.4k · Mar 2023
The Charleston
Caosín Mar 2023
The things I could do
If only I could just
Get up
And
Dance.
1.3k · Jul 2023
Like father, like son
Caosín Jul 2023
Deceivingly simple, we sit down
On our ****** plastic step stools
After school in the kitchen.
You ask me how my day was. I say
Fine thanks, learned about quadratics.
I ask you where you went cycling. You say
Oh, you know, the usual. Round out
That way, and back. The usual.
We sit in silence for amount as I cut a slice of apple and hold it out to you across the room.
You take it, and we sit on our ****** plastic step stools
In the kitchen after school,
Sharing silence and an apple.
And I almost love the crisp, cool crunch
As much as I love you.
I love a good crisp apple ngl
1.2k · Dec 2023
My pookie shmookie
Caosín Dec 2023
You have no clue about the lengths that I'd go too,
To hear your curling name on the merciful wind,
To caress your slender fingers inside my own hands.
The earth bore my heavy footsteps-
It is a long fall here, from Eden, and I broke many bones,
Just trying to get to you. Just to
Roll your name inside my mouth like a prayer. Just to
Hold you in sweet devotion, the two of us, wanting for nothing more than we could
Fit in our hands.
So when you call me, late at night, with a bottle or two in your hands,
Telling me all the things your mother
Should've said. And didn't.
Know that to be near you-
Even in a phone call. Even in a dream.
Is the thing I have wanted since before I knew your name.
Lol I acc love her so much
1.1k · Dec 2023
Long distance
Caosín Dec 2023
Like Persephone, when you're
Gone from me, you
Leave behind the
Wintertime, snow falls
In your wake, and I
Can't help lying awake
Thinking of
You, and the flowers
That you grow
In the cold, dark, earth
Of me.
Song time again! Wrote this one recently. Inspired my my long distance friend who is the utter light of my life.
1.1k · Dec 2021
self harm
Caosín Dec 2021
she jumps from table to table, dances with me like no other.
dips me, lifts me, whips me round in the most passionate of tangos.
She traces her legs, every movement, with care,
a fall from grace, so perfect and so rare.
she catches me as I leap. And leap I do but still I am there, in her arms, wrapped so tightly and held so dear.
"Do you like that?" she whispers into my ear
I do not. But I cannot seem to drag myself from her, a swirling twister of silver and red, though to be with her is my downfall, and she knows it.
she sees the fear in my eyes and she relishes in it. she sees my inhibitions and she dances all the more, shocking my soul and pleasing my heart. she is a heatwave, frostbite, a tragic death and the first breath. she is my ending and my beginning, killing me softly. and yet I do not stray. try as I might to escape she drags me back screaming and kicking, spinning me round till I cannot see, cannot walk and cannot think. she is ingrained in me, patterns on my skin that burn desperately through my clothes, itching red-hot. they remind me that I am hers.
and what if i liked it?
#emo #wristcheck #L #LMAOOOOSOFUNNYYYY
998 · Mar 2023
I am lonely
Caosín Mar 2023
I write the same poem, over and over again.
She once said:

It's another song about water and big feelings.

:and I said:

So sing it.
Sing to me
927 · Dec 2023
Greiving process
Caosín Dec 2023
My fractured dreams,
A kiss, a cry, a greive,
Another relative splinters into moonlight
Another friendship wrought into iron and stone.
Inspired by my weird ******* dreams ****
865 · Mar 2022
I swear to god
Caosín Mar 2022
WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME ON ******* READ
im shaking cant type sorry shaky heands shaking breathing shaking ******* bones because you tried to ******* **** YOURSELF AND I SWESR TP GOD AND CHRISY AND MOTHER ******* MARY THAT I ******* TRIED but im **** at trying so all i can do is sit here and sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob because you tried to do it with PARACtetalmol? and ive told you so many times that its a **** way to killyourself because youll be in days of excrushating pain as you kidneys fail and you can do **** all about uit ecxept for taking something...
for the pain.
my friends keep killing themselves
830 · Dec 2023
Post nut clarity
Caosín Dec 2023
But would you stay with me, love? Would you stay here?
And you say: where?
and I think: Here, in the bed, in the house, in the city. Anywhere. Stay anywhere with me.
And you kiss my forehead, lips still wet with something, a sweet dream, and say
Goodbye, mate. Goodbye.
813 · Jan 2022
ignorance is bliss
Caosín Jan 2022
Oh the guilt I felt, I don't think you understand how it
t
                               o
                                                           r
                                                               ­                        e
me apart, left me s ha  k in g,
sobbing,
begging for something to help you.
Because I couldn't.
And I will
never,
never forgive myself.
770 · Jan 2023
Kiss me, Hardy
Caosín Jan 2023
My sick little love
My close-hidden dove
My one, my only, my man.
Call to me
Talk to me
Promise me that you can.
I am yours till death
Yours till the end
Your till the end of time, my love
Kismet will know.
Did he say Kismet or Kiss me? I suppose we'll never know.
729 · Mar 2023
PROMISE ME, PROMISE ME!
Caosín Mar 2023
I JUST HAVE TO SING
OH I JUST HAVE TO GET IT OUT-
LET BREAK MY BONES, BURN THE TEETH OUT OF MY MOUTH
AND I JUST HAVE TO   D A N  C   E
CARRIED AWAY ON THE BREEZE
promise me...
That you won't take me from the places I roam-
THAT YOU WON'T TAKE ME
FROM MY. OWN. HOME.
Watch my flowers that in my garden grow..
Watch my flowers for me, mate
685 · Jul 2021
like a breath of fresh air
Caosín Jul 2021
you know the phrase
"Like a breath of fresh air,"?
you're that.
To me, you are my childhood.
A reminder of a simpler time.
ouch
646 · Jul 2023
Nibble time
Caosín Jul 2023
Cos when I bite my nails with no light to see,
I wake up in the morning to them screaming at me,
Broken, torn, and fraying at the seams.
And I think
****, why do I do this to me?
622 · Jan 2022
new love
Caosín Jan 2022
You make my heart smile and ache at the same time.
You make me believe in love
because you are my first love
and they say the first is always the sweetest.
love you
596 · Dec 2023
Escapism
Caosín Dec 2023
Heaven forbid
I should live in the ******* moment.
Heaven forbid
I should feel without obstacle.
Heaven forbid
I should kiss you, here and now.
Heaven forbid
I should step outside of my box of worries.
Heaven forbid!
480 · Mar 2022
crooning
Caosín Mar 2022
oh my dear
oh my darling
oh my sweetie
does it hurt you? to see them like this? to see you like this?
can you feel yourself slipping away, the colour draining from you until you are a cold hard husk of yourself?
does it feel good?
oh my baby
oh I'm so sorry
I never meant to hurt you
but it's ok now, all is well
you can fade and be deaf to the world in my muffling embrace.
I know I'm not who I'm meant to be and it ******* kills me as much as it kills them.
443 · Jul 2021
i can't
Caosín Jul 2021
i had a dream
i was
eternal
i was
unforgiving
i was
bad.
but i was
dying?
and they were
sad?
i don't get it.
maybe you can?
Caosín Dec 2023
It must be bad, if the father weeps-
If the mother screams, if the sister gives, if the brother does not eat.
It must be bad.
402 · Dec 2021
a work in progress
Caosín Dec 2021
deafandblind
deafandblind
deafandblind since the day i turned nine but
coping.
getting there.
working on it.
take deafandblind to represent my verious mental issues.
392 · Dec 2023
Can anyone answer this?
Caosín Dec 2023
A white-hot rod of shame burns into my chest- I can feel it now, the charring of skin, the cracking of ribs. I smell the smoke before I can see it. I feel the rod before I can break it.
"No, that's not quite right...."
I know. I know it isn't. I knew it as I said it, it's not right. God, I ******* know. I thought it was wrong, I was going to say something else-
And there's the stench of burning. There is the familiar rib-crack. There will be a scar there by morning.
382 · May 2021
drowning
Caosín May 2021
there's a person under the waves
sinking
you stare at them through a glass wall, like an aquarium visitor
sinking
the eyes of the wounded are filled with pain, with hurt
but you can't help them.
they were sinking;
they've sunk.
Iv'e had this one in my head for a while.
381 · May 2021
guilt
Caosín May 2021
i never did apologise for not having the chance the chance to saying goodbye to grandma.
sorry.
i never did apologise for never returning that pencil that i 'borrowed' from the teacher.
sorry.
i never did apologise for being a terrible friend.
sorry.
i never did apologise for being the reason you're trapped in a failing marriage.
sorry.
i never did apologise for being born and ruining your plans.
sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
i am more sorry each day.
sorry for wasting your time.

sorry.
378 · Jul 2021
obsessive, but fun
Caosín Jul 2021
crack
  crack
     crack
       crack
         crack
           crack
             crack
               crack
                                     pop

cracking my knuckles,
i just can't stop!
fun fact, the amount of 'crack' is the amount of joints i can pop. Well, not quite. but almost.
356 · Jul 2021
education II
Caosín Jul 2021
my teachers say i'm good at writing
they say i'm at
GCSE level.
But they don't understand how i work
i don't write.
The writing writes me,
the writing writes the writer.
I take inspiration as it comes,
and when it flees i'm left with nothing.
I'm thrown into a room of children
lower than my level
and they expect me to
learn?!?
What a ******* joke.
338 · Sep 2022
symbiosis
Caosín Sep 2022
It is nothing to fill the void,
with sweet things and a metallic aftertaste,
but always i feel it should be empty, so i
leave it. There is no point
in filling an emptying pit.

And i think my socks are wearing thin,
because what was yesterday a scab
is bitter and angry today, a
gaping hole on my heels that seems
to always be wrong place, wrong time.

It is nothing to stay quiet.
What i lack in words, my body screams for me, in
bruises and amnesia and wet
ears always primed and ready for a call that will never come.
331 · Sep 2022
the sun
Caosín Sep 2022
It fills the sky
with one absolute, one absolute
mother, father, daughter, son
nuclear.
292 · Sep 2022
Cereal packet family
Caosín Sep 2022
The sun is up- there it is!
bright and bright in the
newly-born sky.

What a thing
to see, to feel, to grow
into like a sunflower.

It pulls
it pulls
it pulls me in
in towards its stand-alone glory.
butter coloured and proud,
matriarchal,
made to last.

The sun is up- there it is
burning white into my sockets
empty, always empty-
staring at things I cannot see
searching for answers that cannot be found.

Burning, always burning
Burnout is what he calls me
Ash and ash and ash-
made of gas, is it?

The sun is up- there it is
tendrils of flame too large to
see, to feel, to grow into
like a sunflower.

turning heads irrevocably
Burning skin
piercing sockets
empty, always empty

Yet there it is,
filling the sky with one absolute
One absolute
Father, Mother, Son, daughter-
Nuclear.

The sun is up- there it is
bright
and bright
and beautiful.
285 · Dec 2023
Allegory
Caosín Dec 2023
My heart is made of bone
and lungs are made of pomegranates
My eyes are dull with stars
And my mouth is rough as apricots.
279 · Jan 2023
Yes mush 💪
Caosín Jan 2023
To be them; To see them- that is what this is. My aching bones beg for mercy but I will give them none UNTIL I AM THERE IN MY HEAD ON MY SKIN IN MY BODY they cry out for forgiveness. I will give them none. Why grant life to a dead thing?
270 · Dec 2023
Haven't prayed in years
Caosín Dec 2023
I don't want to be different anymore. I want to be the same. I want to be the same. I want to be the same. I want to be the same. I just want to be the same. I don't want to be different anymore. Can't you make me the same? Why did you make me different why can't you make me the same?
268 · Sep 2022
ebb and flow
Caosín Sep 2022
it is nothing, nothing
to sit here and talk to you.
to let your voice in, let it sink into my bones
and settle me into my chair
like an old centurion rock.
Breathing, it is easier than breathing,
the conversation flows freely
a tributary from yesterday
and the day before that
and the day before that.
255 · Jul 2023
Like father, like son
Caosín Jul 2023
"It's your voice I hear, you know, when I get anxiety,"
How are you so blind to my inherited problem?
237 · May 2021
education
Caosín May 2021
a classroom full of screaming children.
a banging headache.
i just want to learn.
171 · Dec 2023
Kore
Caosín Dec 2023
Tell me boy, how does it feel?
To be turned once more on fate's only wheel.
How does a maiden become the queen of death,
How does the goddess of spring rise to claw at your neck?

Burn the fruit, boy, bleed it dry
You don't want to, but promise me you'll try.
Don't dare think of her happy in the world above-
She's assured you time and time again that you're her only love.

Burn the fruit, boy, bleed it dry,
I know you don't like it, but you're going to have to try.
Erm song time! Yippee
144 · Dec 2023
Thou art
Caosín Dec 2023
Wasn't it Shakespeare who said-
Shall I compare thee to a summers day?

And didn't the youth read that and think-
Lol, no. ***** gay asf pal. Get back to writing.
Crack poem! Don't take it seriously.
133 · Jul 2021
a little bit of nothing
Caosín Jul 2021
everything
and nothing
i feel
everything
and nothing
did you know butterflies eat flesh?
such interesting contrast.
132 · May 2021
sorry.
Caosín May 2021
I couldn't help you tonight,
so I'll write my apologies here,
mixing my blood with water until the ink runs clear.

I couldn't help you tonight, because my feelings were already here,
written down on the page for people to cry too, tear for tear.

I couldn't help you tonight because my heart had shrivelled away,
addicted to a form of art that ****** all love away.

I couldn't help you tonight,
so i'll write my apologies here,
mixing my blood with water until the ink runs clear.
written for a friend who will never read this.
123 · Jul 2023
Life cycle
Caosín Jul 2023
In my dreams, they speak to me in whispered tongue,
Language of my embered childhood
Burning away the rotted wood of my brain,
Grasping me with sly fingers, claws long and curled hooves ready for cutting,
Sheep shaggy coated, crying for the cool relief of winter
But the lambs in their bellies craving the blazing heat of spring.
Sons must **** their predecessors to progress
117 · May 2021
be still
Caosín May 2021
Happiness
It's such a rare find to me
because i find increasingly often
only sadness and despair.

Happiness
It creeps up on you like ink on a page,
then shoots you in the heart
with a feeling afresh.

Happiness
is incredibly hard to write about
(evidently)
because who could write about
being content in yourself?

Happiness.
an indescribable feeling of...
peace.
114 · Aug 2021
ahaha
Caosín Aug 2021
sometimes when i lie in bed
it's like i've been hit round the head.
I'll try and get up, just to find that i can't,
it's my daily dose of existential dread.
113 · May 2021
wonderings of a madman
Caosín May 2021
do you ever wonder
what it would be like
to
soar amongst the birds in the endless blue?
i do.
110 · Jul 2021
FINALLY!!!
Caosín Jul 2021
a holiday,
a car ride,
a services stop,
traffic.
getting dark,
small country lanes,
walk in the park,
for dad.
driveway,
out,
knock.
I waited a year for this hug;
it better be a good one.
Soooo i'm staying with my partner from tomorrow to next sunday!!! This will be the first time we've seen each other after getting together (we live opposite ends of the country) and i'm.... kinds nervous? Over all though, i'm f#cking desperate to see them again. We normally visit each other three times a year (give or take), so not seeing each other bc of corona makes it feel like a really long time since we've been face to face, y'know? Anyway, have a nice summer hols! :)
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