I had dinner again at our favorite Japanese ramen restaurant
I sat next to your fading presence and the lucky cat statue
Had the usual ramen noodles, pork broth, spicy miso, and your favorite side dish
Then got drunk off a pitcher, hot sake, and your absence
A crowded room leafed over until
I was the last one to leave
I sat in my car out in the parking lot listening to your favorite acoustic song "I don't mind"
Then clarity opened the passenger door sit and sat next to me
I realized that night, during that moment
That being alone wasn't too bad but I was still completely lost without you

I feel like I've been walking underwater.
It's difficult to breath when you're sinking.
It's that much more difficile trying not to take oxygen for granted.
When you know you've been drowning for a while.

2:30am, felt the hollows hands of death again.
Fingers wrapped like a noose around my neck.
Woke up distress in sweat.
With tongue tied knots made of fear and frustrating attempts.
I called out to mother but
I felt 1,000 pounds of pressure standing upon my chest.
Muting me into speech impediments and sinking me into the depths of what seem to feel like hell for a couple minutes.
Body felt like dancing sharp needles in the air.
As someone's eerie finger
Sailed across the maps of my skin.
Causing frantic earthquakes through out what seemed like my living corpse.
I felt like discords, statics, and lost signal tv channels.

"Sailing ships never sink.
They just set out, out to sea.
I can feel you in the breeze.
I can hear you speak."

My ship sinks inside a half empty bottle of liquor.
Everything I love, everything I hate, became all the same.
If this has gotten the best of me where was I at my best?
I used to live life with a noose around my neck.
Now I live life hanging from its last thread.

Fleeting thoughts came and went
Like airplanes in airports
As I stay up most nights
Having pillow talks with your cheetah print pillow
speaking of moments, memories, and your saliva stains
From the way you used too drool
on my bedsheets still remain
A funny fossilized idea
I hold dearly
overthinking that one day
I would wake up
And your presence would suddenly exist in the empty space you created
Threads of your autumn hair fall on my face, like crossing vacant corridors through unseen spider webs
And the smell of your favorite French perfume, that I cannot pronounce
disintegrates into the air I breath
And your medium size **** in lace ******* against my crotch in stripe boxers
Never ignited lust in my mind
Just admixture love, comfort &
respect
as I dived Inside you until your soul reached its ******
then in a burst of wither time
one day you dissolved into my bed.

Buried in crow feathers, the Devils in their eyes & he fed me
misanthropy.
I'm disconnected, as I stare into the blood scarlet sky.
Filled with black splatter paint brushed birds.
One by one dove down to peck at my flesh & take a piece of my wings.
One by one dove down to peck at my bones & take a piece of my limbs.
Wings made of corroding, sweet  memories, keep growing back out of misery to feed reality.

Maybe I sacrificed too many parts of myself for your ritual.
You ate all of my flesh and everything I had left to give.
Maybe I fed you the wrong body parts.
Maybe I fed you the wrong skin.
Now I'm dead living or half alive somewhere inside you.
Until you digest me in a year or two.
Maybe if you cut open your head and perfomed surgery on your brain.
You would find me swimming in the deepest corners of your mind or consciousness but we both know that's fictional.

Falling in & out of love with you
Is a lot like walking into a library...

Brothers why?
Do you stare out the window
at passing crows.
As they fly north,
Taking your dreams with them.
Sisters why?
Do you stare at old pictures, reminiscing.
Wondering where your hopes went.
They became congualated in picture frames.
Father why?
Do you drown yourself in alcohol and dig your own grave.
You're a hardworking man
And your elixir is home.
Just let go of the drunken hate.
Mother why?
Do you stay at home and let the years leaf you by.
You have a life to live, you had love to spread, and give.
We became leafs blowing in the wind
With no direction.
It's sad to say,
comforts become our family tradition. Conformity slowly killed our pride and foundation.

Silhouetted feathers, dipped in Unfathomable pain, rain inside my room.
And the monster under my bed has awoken again. Feeding on my mind and the emotions I emulate
His cold, dead, hands wrapped around my brain
I can hear his voice inside my head his wondering thoughts keep me cold like bed sheets

Sometimes I wonder
If these walls could speak
What would they say after catching wind of everything they've absorbed
When I yelled my rage, distress, and disbelief at them

Sometimes I wonder,
If this ceiling had eyes
could it see
Me in a bipolar state of mind
as I write in this notebook
my moments of sadness, malice, and agony

Sometimes I wonder
If these walls were alive
have I slowly been watching them die
As I stabbed them a million times
With my lingering thoughts

And if these walls could walk
Would they walk away and leave me here
In such a lonely world
laying in my bed drowning in this shame
Buried in bones
As the skeletons inside my closet
dance above my body, & soul
in this rain made of nostalgic feathers
And the monster under my bed has replaced the monster inside my head.

I demand Edgar Allan Poe to cut open my brain.
My thoughts would pour out unto the room.
Like rising water to the tip of my lips.
Leaving me stuck in between that moment.
Where I'm given the choice to drown or be left gasping for air.
As his Raven claws at my stomach trying to free himself.
From the mimicking & mockery of my fiction.
As my crow elegantly, resting at the end of my fingers tips calls out my name.
My arm left outstretched reaching for a sky.
In a world I could never find rest in.
Engulfing me in ravaging, epiphanic darkness.
For I have grown wings stitched from everything I have loved and left.
Whom now lays dead and made in form of feathers.
Dipped in brooding black ink.
As I leave this world of pain & comfort.

I'm counting down the clock till the hour of dissipation
And my reflection doesn't even look back at me anymore
Depleting in the eyes of all my friends and family
As I fade into the darkest black and grayish grey

I'm surviving on memories, metaphors, and similes
So I'm writing a song or poem
In hopes that there's someone out there feeling the same way

Dancing silhouettes in my brain
When I'm gone
Dancing silhouettes
Sing my name...

"People say that when someone dies, they can go to heaven
But I don't think that's the case
When someone dies
I'm sure that person journeys into people's hearts
They live on as a memory
But that, too, will eventually wane.

That's why people desire to leave something behind in this world
So others won't forget them
So we'll remember them"

I wrote merit words like "love, regret, hate, sorry"
Then it turned to short run-on sentences like" forgive me, I say sorry more than I mean it, I ******* hate you, "on black & blue balloons. I tied them to your limbs to keep you balanced.
But one day I came back to cut the strings and as I they flew through a sea like sky.
I realized I can't take them back now.

If I could cut open your mouth
& make you stomach my thoughts
Would trust bloom like flowers from your throat & out your lips?

It's all in the tryst of our minds.
Where birth and death,
loved each other unconditionally.
Yet with scales on their eyes,
a condition remained.
One loved the other more than the other could give.

I fell for it again
So here I am
Laying in bed
Wondering
Why?
Why don't you love me?
Or did you love me at all?
Your love disguised in alibis
ramshackles my mind
I love you more than words could describe
I love you more than this world could understand
I fell for it again
So here I am
Writing you another poem
Feeling like a ghost
As you see right through me
As you walk right pass me
I fell for it again
And I've discovered a theory
I'm not afraid of heights
It's the impact that scares me
I fell for it again
Alessandra, I fell for you again.

Another Hedgehog dilemma.
Tongues in knots,
overflowing words make like lakes inside my mouth.
Slit my throat, ****** waterfalls pouring down my neck.
Spell all the things I don't dare to say.

I clipped the silhouetted feathers off a crows wings and stitched them to your back.
So you can fly to heaven.
Heavens in my thoughts, my words, my mind.  
It's where I keep you alive.

I've disconnected myself from reality.
I'm walking on scarlet skies and these clouds seem to hold me upright.
My skins peeling like falling rain.
My hands feel fictional because I don't feel the weight of anything.
I can see the world decaying from this inverted state.

Him -
"I love her down to her very existence,
I love her inconsistently, unconditionally, with flaws at seam.
But it seems that her love for me was elsewhere & so was she."

I-
I undress her every weekend night.
To fill her insides with expired love & lust.
As thoughts & images of him shapeshift inside her head.
I feel like a stained glass artist.
Broken fragments after fragments, restore, recovered, painting over this mind of hers.
To hide the regret, shame, pain, & dignity,
She's thrown away for me.
He had you, you had him.
Now I have you & I don't want you.

My mind afloat a pool of sadness
as I lay here in my bed on the day of my birth name
Without you by my side
Remember that rainy day ? That storm ? Where we got stuck on the side of the freeway?
I never felt so ******* alive and loved by someone in my life
You probably don't remember but I said I would love you in the future a million times more than in the past

It's sad to say, I still feel exactly the same way
after you said you loved me
while salivating over him and his spit still on your lips and the shame you couldn't admit
Hiding behind your mask made out of sweet nothings, and alibis
as your ghost stands host of my vacant mind

Slit my ******* throat and try to stitch it with the promises you couldn't keep
Cut my ******* heart out and try to make it palpitate with your sympathy
drag me down to hell
So I can cauterize in your wrongdoings
Or throw me up to heaven
so I can asphyxiate in your globs holy ******* greatness
So he can watch me suffocate in love lost and heartaches and feel the greatest pain of all humanity
A broken ******* heart

Ive spend the rest of the year trying to find you in everything
Like hopeless romantic films, sad songs, and aesthetic, melancholy sceneries
Finding excuses to feed my rage
So I can hate you because that's all I have left at the end of my fingers tips

I got a hole in my soul and I wish I was dead, not literally but I feel that way
And as soon as the hands on the clock bend forward to strike 12am
I'm going out of frequency and
You're the only human in the world I wanna see
the only person in all the parallel universes and boundless worlds
Who I wanna be with
No matter Where or why and how many times
I find myself drowning in time
While this plays out infinitely, indifferently, badly, or chaotically
I would spend my life searching for that one world, that one life
Where I wake up next to you and you exist to fill in that empty space on my bed

Love & hate are raging inside of me
And this might sound ironic
But theres one thing I regret
is letting you go for the sake of not having to feel the pain you caused me

Thanks for the birthday wishes, melting candles, and agony.

Love & hatred gave birth to her
Envy & anger consumed her
Betrayal & jealousy perfumed her
wrapped in a dress made of irony
*Disarrayed strands of hair fell upon her resentful & suffering eyes
She was a complexity of passionate human emotions thrown into disorder
But she was beautiful like the unfurling of scattered cherry blossoms blooming in winter.

"No one loves a flower when it withers away"

He navigates on hope and will
With no sense of direction
Surviving only on memories and inspirations
Forsaken
Adrift
A castaway
In search of something more than destiny
Something more than storms and uncertainties
Navigator
I am the map you navigate

You were talking in your sleep again.
Finally admitted your mistakes but it's too late.
I'm awake laying in bed, the waters rising, my pillows wet.
Where did all this water come from?
You spoke late night diatribes, sweet nothings and the waters up to my ears.
I can't hear ****, the waters rising again.
I'm staring at the ceiling and it took form of scarlet, vanillas skies.
I'm almost underwater now, my lips, and the tip of my nose are touching the surface.
My visions a blur, I'm drowning alive.
I finally figured out the origin of the artificial forming body of water in my room.
All this water is coming from you, from the leakage in your mouth, truth saliva.
Your somniloquy song usually last thirty seconds.
I guess, the only time you can speak honesty, is when you're sleep talking.

If letting go makes me feel like a bad person
If moving on makes me feel angst in my veins
If saying I love you & farewell
Make me feel guilty
& it spreads through my body like cancer
Then I wonder if cheating ever made you feel like a filthy ******* human being

I had a one night stand with conditional love and that ended in a tragedy.
I've been flirting with romances for quite some time and that left me melancholily hollow.
I got caught on a fling by a romance based on lies and left holes in my brain.
Now I keep my eyes hidden, my ears muffled, and my mouth shut.
From coming in contact with unconditionally love.
I heard she was a sight for sore eyes  but I'm afraid to say.
I haven't met her yet.

We were two weird birds of the same feathers.
One melancholy morning,
you decided to break my wings.
I reciprocated by
poking holes in your chest.
Our love felt mellifluously ephemeral.
Like our favorite memory in a distant yesterday.
We glide eloquently in elegance with no sense of direction.
As you stained my cloudy skies with a craving for disparage lust.

Your eyes are water paint
Paiting a picture of agony
And I can see your pain forming in tears dripping down your face
I wish I could wipe your hell away
And point this gun of apathy at your heart
I'd pull the trigger to **** your feelings
And reassure you that everything will be okay
But I know that you know
It's not that easy.

If I could clip your torn, wore out wings and sew you new ones
In hopes you would fly to a different world
Where it doesn't rain misery and it's sunny all day
Just to see you smile for second
I would but sadly I won't.... Just to teach you a lesson of self-help because I believe in you
And I believe you can pick yourself up
after dragging yourself through all the *******

You're just another poem I wrote
When the sound of inspiration stroke a chord but I swear you mean more than words and metaphors,
You mean more than letters and similes

If I could stab you a million times with the same knife of empathy
That I used to cut my wrist this year, I would
Just to watch your puncture wounds leak all the pain you feel inside
But if there's one thing I know and I know right
Is that pain makes you feel alive and no matter how lonely you and I feel when we're both laying in our own empty beds
I promise you a promise that I might break someday but for what it's worth
I'm sorry you feel the way you do and I can assure you this time without reassurance
I feel just as alone as you
and here's the bitter sweet promise,
I'll struggle to keep
"I promise to drive to your house at anytime
as I bend the hands on the clock
To tell you that I'll be as lonely as you when you stay up crying your thoughts out on September nights

These greedy leviathans in ties, & business suits. Sitting behind fancy office tables & tinted windows, salivate over the noose they placed upon my neck.
& if I stay here any longer
I'll become an after image of the image they portray.

As I walk through these corridors
I can't help but feel asphyxiated
as the noose tightens around my neck.
Reminding me that I've normalize the idea of my humanity.
I belittled myself the day I signed up for slavery & a check that spells"battered soul" within minimum wage words. & through the mist of my frustrations
I've realized comfort was my only enemy.

My thoughts stopped visiting my brain.
My imagination got lost somewhere in the infinity of my aloneness but I don't feel loneliness.
I'm a walking comatose and I feel so futile, so deterrent of myself.
But I guess these feelings are inevitable.
Maybe I'm too afraid to sit in a sail boat without a paddle and drift into the sea.
Maybe the circumspec of my cowardliness, has dived so deep into the depths of mind.
I don't feel alive, I don't feel alone,
I don't feel numb anymore.
I used to believe that pain was the God of life.
For if pain didn't exist, I wouldn't know what being alive meant.
Not even if it shrunk into a tiny razor blade and cut an entrance on scars or scabs on my body.
To rediscover past wounds and lessons learned.
Just to make me feel humility or little more human.
Maybe I'm just caught in between that moment before unconsciousness strikes.
When the lack of oxygen slowly expires.
As you gasp for air and grasp for something to breath life back into your soul again.

Every now and then I lay awake at night.
Staring out my window as the moonlight covers me in bedsheets made of allusions piercing through my half-shut curtains.
Reminding me to pray, even though there's no gods to pray too.
Faith escapes through my finger tips and I've learned so graciously to live being lost.
I've learned to unconditionally love the angst in my veins and embrace the pessimist that I am.

My minds swelling up with thoughts of you
like air balloons in July
I can't help but feel polluted
My heads unraveling, I'm tired, restless, and I'd be lying to myself
If I said I didn't miss your presence
Eventually I'll reach the end of my heights
I'll burst into debri and I hope it decends on you like rain made out of memories
And while you're drowning in my thoughts
my love, I'll say, how beautiful you look drenched in pain.

All the love in the world couldn't compare to the love I had for you
If the oceans dried up, rivers evaporated, streams and all bodies of water dissipated
My love for you would fill the worlds water supply and overflow it.
I'm like vine roots growing on your masonry surface.
Hidden in the cracks of your structure walls.
It became abundantly clear that love didn't chemically reconstruct in your brain.
I guess, I'm obsess with being depress over you or obsess in love with you.
But I know history has shown we've always been on completely different terms. All you want is my presence because time has convince you that you miss it. But that's all you want.
I on the other hand don't miss you. I want you in your complete form.
I'm obsess with your pearly white straight teeth . You never needed braces.
I'm obsess with your round shape eyes . They stood out like your round shape cheeks.
I'm obsess with your artificial dimples.
But your face has always looked so perfectly flawless naked.
Your outer beauty will never compare to your inner ugly.
Yet somewhere deep inside your ugliness
I found happiness.
Or so I believed.

I rather dip my toes in both sides of the pool and keep myself arbitrary.
Rather then pretend to be the arbiter. Swimming in life's plurisignifications,
as the questions mutate into a frenzy of hungry sharks.
Rendering my limbs till I give in and give up on self-actualization.

This might sound asinine
but diagnose me.
I know there's no cure,
yet there has to be something you could prescribe to sooth this disease.
Make me your human project.
Save me from turning inside out.
I'm on my knees with my hands on my head.
I can feel my thoughts itching under my skin.
I'm scratching my temple down to my skull.
My fingers are breaking bone by bone.
I don't believe in hell but if I did.
I swear,
If I could give it my own redefinition, this life would be it.

My life is simple, boring & slightly myopic

I fell in love with a beautiful koi fish
One jaded day she swam up stream and didn't comeback
I've been fishing in the rain
Baiting her
Then one miserable day
She swam downstream and came back
they say"por la voca muere el pez"
And you took the bait
now you're dead.
I'm left wondering why do I keep feeding the fish that dies and reincarnates
To leave , whirlpools , maelstroms , and broken waterfalls inside of my brain.

I awoke covered in autumn leaves under a dying tree.
A dead cold breeze flees & returns through out me.
As if I had holes in my body & the wind doesn't acknowledge me.
Melancholy fog shelters this cemetery
While I lay here, my face against the graveyard grass.
My head tilted to the right, staring at written dates on tombstones without engraved epitaphs.
There lays the buried graves of my past selfs

Lately I've felt like
I been swimming in the sky
Confused & emotionless
While the ocean cries upwards in my direction
Yet for some odd reason
every tiny water drop has been avoiding me
& I'm completely soaked in some sort of complex melancholy

I keep asking for death but I keep waking up.
Sun hasn't shun in here.
Since I dragged the moon inside my room.
Rain never goes away and I've grown to love the beauty of pain.
I broke the glass and tore the window screen.
I'm standing on the edge staring down at dying, dead roses,
growing from the cracks of the concrete floor.
I keep trying to sell my soul but i can't find a client.
Come shove me over the edge.
Watch me float like a feather,
and kiss the pavement.
Save me, I feel so doomed.

Went looking for the devil &
found myself staring at my own reflection.
What's it like to feel so alive on beliefs by the hands of converted faith.
I'm tired of fighting my own thoughts &
Fed up with always questioning everything that breaths.
Removed myself from my mind left me
happily resilient & vague.
Is this living or just existing?

I woke up in a dream,
from a dream,
where I dreamt I had died.
I felt free.
I was air.
I was water.
I had no body, no soul, & no mind.
I felt alive & then I woke up, feeling dead.