Tormented in storms by torments of thoughts.
Sail boat sails through waves of emotions.
Pushed by motions of relevance yet irrelevant notions.
I through eyes of floating corpses of personalities I hosted.
Drown thy boat with heavy feelings.
Sink, I sink, still breathing I lay at the bottom of the ocean.
Staring at rain, like falling bullets peircing still water.
Oppositions & contradictions synch in the sea.
"Sailing ships never sink.
They just set out, out to sea.
I can feel you in the breeze.
I can hear you speak."
My ship sinks inside a half empty bottle of liquor.
Everything I love, everything I hate, became all the same.
If this has gotten the best of me where was I at my best?
I used to live life with a noose around my neck.
Now I live life hanging from its last thread.
There's an ocean in my mind,
dissolving in dissonance.
As fragments of reminisce,
Stab me like knifes.
Lighthouse in my heart
the moment you set sail.
Is there anything left of me?
I'm comfortably living dead
and when "I feel alive"
I feel nothing.
Is there anything to bring me back from this?
Got a noose tied to my tongue,
pulling lost words out my mouth.
Got a knot tied to my teeth,
pulling pain out of my gums.
I look at you & all I see is happiness on a price tag.
A bought life, I won't settle in the eyes of conformity by the hands of organize society.
My love is not a hourglass.
If it depletes, I'll make it replenish.
I'll turn it upside down.
Love you some more till it breaks
and the last sand grain dissipates.
Counting down from six.
Blood spills down your mouth & through your teeth like a overflown dam with cracked walls.
Counting down from five.
Blood runs like rivers down your ***** through open wounds & out your veins.
Counting down to four.
Blood gathers upon your palms like rain puddles.
Counting down to three.
Blood falls like rain drops & tears off your fingers tips.
Counting down to two.
Blood leaks down your ****.
Blood bleeds out your wound & I watch you aestheticly abort the love you cursed upon me.
Went looking for the devil &
found myself staring at my own reflection.
What's it like to feel so alive on beliefs by the hands of converted faith.
I'm tired of fighting my own thoughts &
Fed up with always questioning everything that breaths.
Removed myself from my mind left me
happily resilient & vague.
Is this living or just existing?
Woke up, it's 3am.
I'm half awake,
moonlight strings of light piercing through my window screen.
Walked towards the door,
the floor is cold, It creaks & sings haunting melodies as I trace way to the kitchen.
Open drawer, grasped a knife.
Took it and held it tight.
Slowly penetrated my left eye.
Blood pours down my face.
Lost sight of the demons holding me captive in my mind.
I made something out of nothing.
Yet something doesn't seem to fill the nothing in my mind.
I've come to reason without reasonable explanations.
That terms died & facts burned.
I'm naturally a melancholy note ringing in dissonance through morbid melodies.
Dilapidated at the age of 25.
This bed is my casket.
This room my tombstone.
Words, songs , & poems all written in my notebooks, form my epitaph.
You staring down at my body &
I never been so still in your eyes.
As you bleed from one eye.
You left the greatest love in that kiss on my cold lips.
Image of a man denude
from the thorns of morals & virtues.
I hate myself more than I hate humanity.
I had a one night stand with conditional love and that ended in a tragedy.
I've been flirting with romances for quite some time and that left me melancholily hollow.
I got caught on a fling by a romance based on lies and left holes in my brain.
Now I keep my eyes hidden, my ears muffled, and my mouth shut.
From coming in contact with unconditionally love.
I heard she was a sight for sore eyes but I'm afraid to say.
I haven't met her yet.
It's all in the tryst of our minds.
Where birth and death,
loved each other unconditionally.
Yet with scales on their eyes,
a condition remained.
One loved the other more than the other could give.
This might sound asinine
but diagnose me.
I know there's no cure,
yet there has to be something you could prescribe to sooth this disease.
Make me your human project.
Save me from turning inside out.
I'm on my knees with my hands on my head.
I can feel my thoughts itching under my skin.
I'm scratching my temple down to my skull.
My fingers are breaking bone by bone.
I don't believe in hell but if I did.
If I could give it my own redefinition, this life would be it.
I keep asking for death but I keep waking up.
Sun hasn't shun in here.
Since I dragged the moon inside my room.
Rain never goes away and I've grown to love the beauty of pain.
I broke the glass and tore the window screen.
I'm standing on the edge staring down at dying, dead roses,
growing from the cracks of the concrete floor.
I keep trying to sell my soul but i can't find a client.
Come shove me over the edge.
Watch me float like a feather,
and kiss the pavement.
Save me, I feel so doomed.
I woke up in a dream,
from a dream,
where I dreamt I had died.
I felt free.
I was air.
I was water.
I had no body, no soul, & no mind.
I felt alive & then I woke up, feeling dead.
If I could dream of any dream at night.
What would I dream of?
I would dream of waking up after dying.
What a dream that would be.
I've been holding dear to the idea. That everything I hold dear doesn't last.
Finding meaning is like chasing a fugitive but what if meaning isn't to be found? What if meaning is to be made ?
Heaven & hell faded from my conscious.
Wake me up,
for I've been dead for years.
She danced her way inside my comatose.
She sings "the meaning of death " she sings "is the value of life"
Wake me up when the reapers here.
Tell him I've been dead for years.
Some days I hear the sound of burning violins.
As I bury my love ones in the cemetery of my mind.
Some days I wish I could cut into my body and pull whatever it is that makes me feel love.
I'll tie it from it's limbs and hang it outside my window.
Watch the rope slowly tatter and tear.
As I hang the rest of my emotions on tree branches.
Cast fire upon it and watch them burn.
Some days I pray,
sometimes I wish.
That we would all die
and live in peace.
Got in my car.
I drove down my alley.
Driving straight across the bridge.
Now I'm parked above the road,
staring down into the freeway.
I turned my radio on
but all I hear is silence.
I can hear myself think.
Sometimes I like to sit in my car
and remove myself from existence.
As I stare Infinitely at infinite amount of human beings sitting inside their cars driving.
Where are they going?
I imagine myself in each car
living a million life's and I still find myself feeling lost, directionless, and looking over at my rear end mirrors.
Why is it that at the end of every sentence I write.
There's a man with a knife piercing it's blade into the back of my brain.
My mind feels colder this year.
Minutes die faster but hours live longer.
Half-empty water bottles like my goals scattered across my room.
I wrapped a noose around concequences neck and kicked the chair he stood on.
I watched his legs dangle like dancing ballerinas on top of a frozen creek.
His face went colorless.
Then I buried him beneath my bed.
It's like a vampire, and one of those lord of the rings elf gave birth to her. She has beautiful pallid skin, ****** lips, aesthetic smile, and a angelic face. She's dressed in life, I wore deaths suit and tie. We're oppositions swimming in a paradox but
Love approved of us with blessings.
Will you stay with me?
I've always been the fool,
Whom walked through bodies of gardens with hovering hands.
Touching petals with the tip of my fingers till I picked the prettiest rose.
Blooming in the garden of the ugliest inner rib cage.
Impatient hands forcing the fold of fingers.
Grasping mistake after mistake again.
Till my eye caught the glistening black of aesthetic beauty at the ends of your throat.
Arm stretched, down the mouth of the abyss.
Finger tips caressing torn petals,
Thorns settled into my skin.
I pulled the scarlet blood rose out your throat and I fell in love with the withering.
They say that no one loves a flower when it withers away but I loved you.
I don't want this feeling to die.
if it's temporary, I promise love will cut out temporaries heart and longevity will take its place.
A love like air.
I can't see it but I know when I think of you.
I can feel it and it's there.
If you were drowning.
I swear that I would dive right in and drown with you.
I bit the idea of love too close to comfort.
You made me feel human pain again.
A lot like the love life and death held together.
I slit all my love ones throats and hung them by their necks on my ceiling.
I store their voices inside music boxes spread across my room.
Here's where past and present make love and gave birth to future...
Advice, screaming out my name.
Slice of life lessons, yelling trying to get my attention.
But I met death before I could hear my love ones sing me melodies of morality.
Death placed deaf's knife in my hands and said
"live like your dead"
As she cut my ears off and everything went....
I rather dip my toes in both sides of the pool and keep myself arbitrary.
Rather then pretend to be the arbiter. Swimming in life's plurisignifications,
as the questions mutate into a frenzy of hungry sharks.
Rendering my limbs till I give in and give up on self-actualization.
Drunk, numb, and fainted.
Just to find myself laying in bed.
Awoken, sober views tainted.
Tracing lines inside sore eyes,
Trying to find clear sights.
Clarity, where do I find clarity these days?
Detoxing the same old story, different chapter but the pages read the same.
24 years written inside 24 pages of this book.
Valediction, but not vindicated
Where has time went ?
Where have I been?
Lost in shame.
Lost in shame.
Lost in shame.
I'm not who I used to be.
I'll never be the person my thoughts imagine me to be.
I'm not who I used to be.
I'll never be the man the world wants me to mold myself to be.
I'll never be anyone or anything.
I'll always be that lost little kid
Walking In circles inside the idea of who I'm suppose to be.
This town is burying me alive,
the weight of my thoughts are too heavy to handle.
These pixels used to form a peaceful picture.
Now my choices trail mistakes.
Drowning myself in alcoholic bottles,
Till my body is numb and emotionless.
Swallowing pills to create four hours of solace.
To ease my mind and leave me expressionless.
I'm a lot like a fish.
baiting myself in a lake full of surfacing hooks.
Attached to flinging romances.
I'm like a vacuous worm laying in bed
Watching myself impassively rot
from the inside out.
My books are collecting dust of life's are no longer live.
My chairs accumulating clothes of personalities I no longer wear.
I'm holding my unresponsive eyes in my hands, I feel blind, I can't see my wood floors.
It's covered in inscrutable ideas, on blank pages, ripped out of my notebook.
Ink spills but nothing's written
Inspirations, emotions, and feelings are lost somewhere within the air.
But I can't inhale the oxygen they contain.
My eyes try to peer a view of the world
through ***** curtain cracks.
Im tired of staring at the ceiling.
I turn my head left to stare at the chipped painted walls.
Simple words splattered in color crow black of all the humanly advice I've ever heard.
Yet it doesn't resonate inside of me.
I turn my head right to stare at the wall peeling like my thoughts trying to crawl out of my brain.
how vacant this room feels;ghost memories fill the emptiness inside this empty space.
when I have everything I ever wanted to make me feel alive Inside here, or so I thought?
"Where lies the beauty in being buried alive"
And I responded
"I don't belong here anymore"
Struggling to keep myself intact
like my fingernails being bend back till they snap.
As I watch a detritus love deteriorate, in a gradually decomposing disintegrating way, and perish like it never existed in the first place.
Like trying to constantly feed life into the lifeless with any kind of progress.
My teeth are corroding from all the words stuck in my mouth
I fell off my bed, crawling on top of wordless pages.
Dragging myself across what seems to feel like a hollow abyss, with a floor made out of hands filled with thorns.
Trying to find peace inside the hollow selfishness of my psychotic Self implanted misery.
And through my rebirth of dead departures of selves
I found God in myself....
I have stepped on the toes of the past.
I awoke a starving Titan.
Hungry for my present and future commodities.
Found myself struggling to stay alive in the belly of the beast.
I wish you were the ache in my bones.
A little bit of medication is all need
To cure the pain you cause.
I keep writing the same chapter,
keep leafing the pages
To find myself staring at the same place.
Wolves are eating my limbs.
I bath them in black blood.
Retracing my steps as I leave a bleeding trail.
For the rest of the beast after my thoughts.
Placed a gun upon the palm of my hand.
I pulled the trigger, blood ran a river,
flowing down my fingers tips.
Vacant body, stirred up soul, still singing hollow words.
Not a *******, I'm just dying to understand the meaning of my existence?
Most people go through life
Searching for happiness.
But I believe they're misguided.
I sail through life questioning everything I don't understand and I don't understand me.
I told myself I was meant for so much more.
But let's be honest... I knew words spoke louder than actions.
When my actions never made sense.
I'm still laying on the same bed with the same thoughts orbiting my brain.
Pain was my faith,
Pain was my answer to everything.
Pain helped me find the meanings of life,
Or so I thought...
Is this the truest reflection of who I am?
The masked face of my inner moralities escaping through my eyes.
Tied a noose to my limbs.
So I could outgrow this.
But it seems I've fallen short again.
Hope is a thread hanging
off my ceiling like spider webs made from a spider named hopefulness.
Happiness, optimism, and vitality, intertwine forming cobwebs at the corner ends of my room...
Regret, bitterness, and hopelessness, morph into black-widows crawling on my limbs.
Injecting a poison I call mental suicide into my veins.
Why does dying feel fulfilling,
like being alive for the first time?
These spider webs take form of memories falling on my body like rain....
Leaving me nostalgically hollow, like empty pictures inside picture frames.
Hopefulness crawled into my mouth as I clenched my teeth shut.
Chewed up, swallowed, and left a misfortunate taste on my tongue.
These black-widows won't let me sleep..
I demand Edgar Allan Poe to cut open my brain.
My thoughts would pour out unto the room.
Like rising water to the tip of my lips.
Leaving me stuck in between that moment.
Where I'm given the choice to drown or be left gasping for air.
As his Raven claws at my stomach trying to free himself.
From the mimicking & mockery of my fiction.
As my crow elegantly, resting at the end of my fingers tips calls out my name.
My arm left outstretched reaching for a sky.
In a world I could never find rest in.
Engulfing me in ravaging, epiphanic darkness.
For I have grown wings stitched from everything I have loved and left.
Whom now lays dead and made in form of feathers.
Dipped in brooding black ink.
As I leave this world of pain & comfort.
Another Hedgehog dilemma.
Tongues in knots,
overflowing words make like lakes inside my mouth.
Slit my throat, ****** waterfalls pouring down my neck.
Spell all the things I don't dare to say.
I feel like I've been walking underwater.
It's difficult to breath when you're sinking.
It's that much more difficile trying not to take oxygen for granted.
When you know you've been drowning for a while.
Boy fell asleep next to his siblings and dormant demons.
Moms singing the morning blues in the key of poverty.
As his dad breaks his back to support his family.
While his livers rot away from self excessive alcoholic indulgence.
Trying to find happiness in self destruction.
2:30am, felt the hollows hands of death again.
Fingers wrapped like a noose around my neck.
Woke up distress in sweat.
With tongue tied knots made of fear and frustrating attempts.
I called out to mother but
I felt 1,000 pounds of pressure standing upon my chest.
Muting me into speech impediments and sinking me into the depths of what seem to feel like hell for a couple minutes.
Body felt like dancing sharp needles in the air.
As someone's eerie finger
Sailed across the maps of my skin.
Causing frantic earthquakes through out what seemed like my living corpse.
I felt like discords, statics, and lost signal tv channels.
Truth is just as they say;
Love is a lot like a shipwreck
Or folding origami paper.
Trying to find the perfect fit as the corners start to shrink and fold in.
He had the perfect wife
but the perfect wife found the perfect fault in their chronological love.
She grit her teeth and didn't look back
I guess that's why it's called cheating.
I'm astonished with overwhelming sadness.
As the only thing that still holds the broken sails together is the son they've spawned.
In the belly of a dangerous sea.
Two vessels afloat,
Lost at sea.
Fading beacon of fragmented promises.
Shun and shine among the raging waves.
Awaiting to get washed away or break among the corroding rocks.
Whom hold history of a ghost traveling through the past, present, and lingering in the future.
Waiting to collide
The sirens sing .
I cut into his limbs to find the weight of the hold.
Carved negatives into his back to find a positive outcome.
I held a gun to his thoughts
As his brain fed on a taste of fiction.
These Pages are thinner than the finer lines of her lies.
Words melted by choice,
Not by honesty.
She swallows her tongue for as long as she lives,
So she doesn't have to face truths decaying face.
I drove into a daydream.
My vehicle collided with a tree.
It rained leaves, as the blood pour down like a river down my teeth.
I felt so alive, I embodied pain and agony, aching agony.
Leafs fell in slow motion as I buried the metal carcass into the roots of Mother Nature.
Oil ignited into flames and I caught fire that day.
Cauterized under the stress of my life.