I keep asking for death but I keep waking up.
Sun hasn't shun in here.
Since I dragged the moon inside my room.
Rain never goes away and I've grown to love the beauty of pain.
I broke the glass and tore the window screen.
I'm standing on the edge staring down at dying, dead roses,
growing from the cracks of the concrete floor.
I keep trying to sell my soul but i can't find a client.
Come shove me over the edge.
Watch me float like a feather,
and kiss the pavement.
Save me, I feel so doomed.
I was never one to stay in one place for more than one day.
But I've been sitting on this bench for quite a while.
Rotting out as the seasons change for almost a year. Observing my life, analyzing the world with my pupils not my mind.
Withered & bloomed inside of me like a garden of suicidal flowers.
I take one last look at this life.
I put the gun in my mouth.
I can taste the hollow steel
& before I could smell the gun powder,
I pulled the trigger on the past.
I awoke in the present
but the future still seems to have it's hands wrapped around my throat.
They say that time waits for no one
but time has been waiting at my front door long enough.
Hope is a thread hanging
off my ceiling like spider webs made from a spider named hopefulness.
Happiness, optimism, and vitality, intertwine forming cobwebs at the corner ends of my room...
Regret, bitterness, and hopelessness, morph into black-widows crawling on my limbs.
Injecting a poison I call mental suicide into my veins.
Why does dying feel fulfilling,
like being alive for the first time?
These spider webs take form of memories falling on my body like rain....
Leaving me nostalgically hollow, like empty pictures inside picture frames.
Hopefulness crawled into my mouth as I clenched my teeth shut.
Chewed up, swallowed, and left a misfortunate taste on my tongue.
These black-widows won't let me sleep..
Got in my car.
I drove down my alley.
Driving straight across the bridge.
Now I'm parked above the road,
staring down into the freeway.
I turned my radio on
but all I hear is silence.
I can hear myself think.
Sometimes I like to sit in my car
and remove myself from existence.
As I stare Infinitely at infinite amount of human beings sitting inside their cars driving.
Where are they going?
I imagine myself in each car
living a million life's and I still find myself feeling lost, directionless, and looking over at my rear end mirrors.
"Sailing ships never sink.
They just set out, out to sea.
I can feel you in the breeze.
I can hear you speak."
My ship sinks inside a half empty bottle of liquor.
Everything I love, everything I hate, became all the same.
If this has gotten the best of me where was I at my best?
I used to live life with a noose around my neck.
Now I live life hanging from its last thread.
I'm a lot like a fish.
baiting myself in a lake full of surfacing hooks.
Attached to flinging romances.
If I could cut the pieces off this so called god's flesh & feed it to the poor, I would.
So they wouldn't starve or grow hungry again.
If I could sever this so called god's bones & distributed to the homeless, I would.
So they could built a home & shelter themselves from agony.
If I could carve out this holy gods heart & organs, I would.
So I could commence humanities peace surgery.
I'd free all humans from this disease called unconditional war & misery.
If I could encapsulate this divine god's tears, I would.
So I could spread them like rain & heal humanities pain.
If I could... I would... But sadly I can't.
Went looking for the devil &
found myself staring at my own reflection.
What's it like to feel so alive on beliefs by the hands of converted faith.
I'm tired of fighting my own thoughts &
Fed up with always questioning everything that breaths.
Removed myself from my mind left me
happily resilient & vague.
Is this living or just existing?
As I lay here unfolding, bending, and breaking from the inside out
Recycling every memory,
every emotion in my life
I picked myself up and thanked pain for giving me the strength to feel alive again
Every cycle is the same
Every cycle is different
Inside of me, outside of me
The heart repeats
Lately I've felt like
I been swimming in the sky
Confused & emotionless
While the ocean cries upwards in my direction
Yet for some odd reason
every tiny water drop has been avoiding me
& I'm completely soaked in some sort of complex melancholy
There's a pond in the middle of my mind
Where I come to cast my thoughts
And lately I've felt like casting myself off
But I know mental suicide is just a cheap excuse for giving up
Dissolving in dissonance
As fragments of reminisce
stab me like needle pins
Afloat this pond of memories
Slowly drowning in its isolated depression of the
past, as the floodplains of the present drag me into the future
But it's all in my head,
So I'm casting off these corroding neurons, that make up these withered patterns of brain waves
To find myself floating again in this body of standing water
I artificially constructed out of pain.
"I can careless, that you're hurt.
You deserve this & more "
She swore & wore hate perfectly on her skin as a dress.
If I could dream of any dream at night.
What would I dream of?
I would dream of waking up after dying.
What a dream that would be.
I'll never stop loving you even when all your petals break and you're reduce to a beautiful decay
Solitary flower, blooming in a garden of pain
Solitary flower nourished in shame
These humans are your stems
Once fully grown they turned their backs on you and set you in flames
Cleansed our souls of selfishness,
pick at our flesh of ignorance,
Strip us naked of violence,
and drown us in humility
Humanity is a sight of disgust
Make us suffer the same way
we've been eating off your body
find peace in our extinction
Restore your aesthetic complexation
I stopped having nightmares & started daydreaming.
As I stepped off the ledge to fall head first into this dormant abyss.
Lucky me, I ate black bird feathers, and started growing wings.
It's easier done than said.
I woke up to a stranger to myself.
Like riddles in form of DNA strands.
My thoughts shape shifting.
so I never know what to say when someone starts to ask
"How you been"
A love like air.
I can't see it but I know when I think of you.
I can feel it and it's there.
Drunk, numb, and fainted.
Just to find myself laying in bed.
Awoken, sober views tainted.
Tracing lines inside sore eyes,
Trying to find clear sights.
Clarity, where do I find clarity these days?
Detoxing the same old story, different chapter but the pages read the same.
24 years written inside 24 pages of this book.
Valediction, but not vindicated
Where has time went ?
Where have I been?
Lost in shame.
Lost in shame.
Lost in shame.
I'm not who I used to be.
I'll never be the person my thoughts imagine me to be.
I'm not who I used to be.
I'll never be the man the world wants me to mold myself to be.
I'll never be anyone or anything.
I'll always be that lost little kid
Walking In circles inside the idea of who I'm suppose to be.
Boy fell asleep next to his siblings and dormant demons.
Moms singing the morning blues in the key of poverty.
As his dad breaks his back to support his family.
While his livers rot away from self excessive alcoholic indulgence.
Trying to find happiness in self destruction.
I drove into a daydream.
My vehicle collided with a tree.
It rained leaves, as the blood pour down like a river down my teeth.
I felt so alive, I embodied pain and agony, aching agony.
Leafs fell in slow motion as I buried the metal carcass into the roots of Mother Nature.
Oil ignited into flames and I caught fire that day.
Cauterized under the stress of my life.
I've been holding dear to the idea. That everything I hold dear doesn't last.
Writers block struck a chord
I swallowed my hand holding the pen
It traveled down to my stomach
The ink spilled, it mixed with last nights alcohol and made me *****
Now my hands on the floor
Covered in my regrets
I'm leaking creativity from the holes in my liver, not in my head.
I've always been the fool,
Whom walked through bodies of gardens with hovering hands.
Touching petals with the tip of my fingers till I picked the prettiest rose.
Blooming in the garden of the ugliest inner rib cage.
Impatient hands forcing the fold of fingers.
Grasping mistake after mistake again.
Till my eye caught the glistening black of aesthetic beauty at the ends of your throat.
Arm stretched, down the mouth of the abyss.
Finger tips caressing torn petals,
Thorns settled into my skin.
I pulled the scarlet blood rose out your throat and I fell in love with the withering.
They say that no one loves a flower when it withers away but I loved you.
Life feels like playing an acoustic guitar with papercuts on my fingertips
Nostalgia restrings like kites back to you
You've ran out of arrows to shoot me down with and I used to be the string in your bow that held you together
Now I'm just another passing target
you wounded, ****, and left in derelict
We live In a balance we cannot maintain
A cycle of despair and pain
In a world where a moment of peace can't exist without war
And Love without hate
Overwhelm by the struggle in our life's and the loneliness in our minds
Some are content and some are satisfied
Still we carry on
Tormented in storms by torments of thoughts.
Sail boat sails through waves of emotions.
Pushed by motions of relevance yet irrelevant notions.
I through eyes of floating corpses of personalities I hosted.
Drown thy boat with heavy feelings.
Sink, I sink, still breathing I lay at the bottom of the ocean.
Staring at rain, like falling bullets peircing still water.
Oppositions & contradictions synch in the sea.
Wake me up when the reapers here.
Tell him I've been dead for years.
I cut into his limbs to find the weight of the hold.
Carved negatives into his back to find a positive outcome.
I held a gun to his thoughts
As his brain fed on a taste of fiction.
I have to be honest with myself
I'll never live up to my old man's expectations
I'll never be my mother's pride or joy
I'm the ******* son,
the one who made the choice...
I made a choice to follow my hopes and dreams
Against all odds and every struggles life throws at me
because it's so easy to give up and it's so easy to fail yourself
I won't fail myself
I won't give up
Passion is all I have
Is what keeps me alive fighting for what I believe in
Why is it that at the end of every sentence I write.
There's a man with a knife piercing it's blade into the back of my brain.
My mind feels colder this year.
Minutes die faster but hours live longer.
Half-empty water bottles like my goals scattered across my room.
I wrapped a noose around concequences neck and kicked the chair he stood on.
I watched his legs dangle like dancing ballerinas on top of a frozen creek.
His face went colorless.
Then I buried him beneath my bed.
Love wasn't meant for everyone.
Sometimes we come to terms & terms themselves have unfold in idle form.
Loving someone from head to toe, skin, flesh, & soul.
Doesn't mean much anymore.
I told myself I was meant for so much more.
But let's be honest... I knew words spoke louder than actions.
When my actions never made sense.
I'm still laying on the same bed with the same thoughts orbiting my brain.
Pain was my faith,
Pain was my answer to everything.
Pain helped me find the meanings of life,
Or so I thought...
Is this the truest reflection of who I am?
The masked face of my inner moralities escaping through my eyes.
Tied a noose to my limbs.
So I could outgrow this.
But it seems I've fallen short again.
I said I could be the most neutral person in the world but jealousy, uncertainty , insecurity, will always come unexpectedly, and naturally.
I said "it's not that I don't trust you.
I just won't ever sink my teeth into the idea.
That I found a person that made me feel like I'm floating on water."
And the thought of her finding better or deserving greater.
Will always come as an itch in my brain,
that I cannot scratch.
Placed a gun upon the palm of my hand.
I pulled the trigger, blood ran a river,
flowing down my fingers tips.
Vacant body, stirred up soul, still singing hollow words.
Not a *******, I'm just dying to understand the meaning of my existence?
Most people go through life
Searching for happiness.
But I believe they're misguided.
I sail through life questioning everything I don't understand and I don't understand me.
Finding meaning is like chasing a fugitive but what if meaning isn't to be found? What if meaning is to be made ?
This town is burying me alive,
the weight of my thoughts are too heavy to handle.
These pixels used to form a peaceful picture.
Now my choices trail mistakes.
Drowning myself in alcoholic bottles,
Till my body is numb and emotionless.
Swallowing pills to create four hours of solace.
To ease my mind and leave me expressionless.
They say that love makes you feel butterflies.
So I cut open my stomach to set them free.
I watched them spontaneously combust.
Like moths to flames
Flocking around, ignited,
These walls are paper thin.
I can hear faint arguments,
Fathers a democrat, & mothers a republican.
Voices get lost in the distance of my mind.
I picked up a pen,
walked up to my father, cut open his stomach, & wrote obstinate on his liver. Then I walked towards my mother, slit open her chest, & wrote sadness on her tacit heart.
I proceeded into my little sisters room, carefully removed her ears, & wrote Innocence across her tiny eye lids.
Midway distance between my room &
the front door to the outside world.
I got lost again, roaming in my head for the third time that day.
Found my way unto my bed.
I layed down to closed my eyes and woke up to a new day.
Yet the same sounds again.
These Pages are thinner than the finer lines of her lies.
Words melted by choice,
Not by honesty.
She swallows her tongue for as long as she lives,
So she doesn't have to face truths decaying face.
If you were drowning.
I swear that I would dive right in and drown with you.
I don't want this feeling to die.
if it's temporary, I promise love will cut out temporaries heart and longevity will take its place.
Some days I hear the sound of burning violins.
As I bury my love ones in the cemetery of my mind.
Some days I wish I could cut into my body and pull whatever it is that makes me feel love.
I'll tie it from it's limbs and hang it outside my window.
Watch the rope slowly tatter and tear.
As I hang the rest of my emotions on tree branches.
Cast fire upon it and watch them burn.
Some days I pray,
sometimes I wish.
That we would all die
and live in peace.
I sat here with solace on my mind as we watched the tides rise
And these memories feel like algae dissipating in the sea
We used to dare dangle our feet five centimeters off the water
Always scared to get our feet wet but never feared that we would get washed away
Sitting on bitter, corroding rocks as
You lay your head on my shoulder
And Whisper broken fragments of "I love you's"
Serenading me in all its woes
And Your eyes in tears
Like waterfalls drowning me
in all my regrets
My arms around your waist and I paused to take pictures and videos
Wishing I could fossilized this very moment forever
But then the storm came
As we yelled each other's faults and worst mistakes
This was the last thing I said
"I genuinely love you and I used to not believe in love but now I believe love gives life meaning
And In some other dimension
There's a world where we end up together and that's the world I wish I lived in but they call that science fiction for a reason."
And the sun sets the same way my heart sinks and I used to feel so alive in this place.
Your love came in waves
Drifting in currents trying to survive
Your love became whirlpools
We pushed, we pulled, & intertwine.
Your love came in waves.
I'm like a vacuous worm laying in bed
Watching myself impassively rot
from the inside out.
My books are collecting dust of life's are no longer live.
My chairs accumulating clothes of personalities I no longer wear.
I'm holding my unresponsive eyes in my hands, I feel blind, I can't see my wood floors.
It's covered in inscrutable ideas, on blank pages, ripped out of my notebook.
Ink spills but nothing's written
Inspirations, emotions, and feelings are lost somewhere within the air.
But I can't inhale the oxygen they contain.
My eyes try to peer a view of the world
through ***** curtain cracks.
Im tired of staring at the ceiling.
I turn my head left to stare at the chipped painted walls.
Simple words splattered in color crow black of all the humanly advice I've ever heard.
Yet it doesn't resonate inside of me.
I turn my head right to stare at the wall peeling like my thoughts trying to crawl out of my brain.
how vacant this room feels;ghost memories fill the emptiness inside this empty space.
when I have everything I ever wanted to make me feel alive Inside here, or so I thought?
"Where lies the beauty in being buried alive"
And I responded
"I don't belong here anymore"
Struggling to keep myself intact
like my fingernails being bend back till they snap.
As I watch a detritus love deteriorate, in a gradually decomposing disintegrating way, and perish like it never existed in the first place.
Like trying to constantly feed life into the lifeless with any kind of progress.
My teeth are corroding from all the words stuck in my mouth
I fell off my bed, crawling on top of wordless pages.
Dragging myself across what seems to feel like a hollow abyss, with a floor made out of hands filled with thorns.
Trying to find peace inside the hollow selfishness of my psychotic Self implanted misery.
And through my rebirth of dead departures of selves
I found God in myself....
Counting down from six.
Blood spills down your mouth & through your teeth like a overflown dam with cracked walls.
Counting down from five.
Blood runs like rivers down your ***** through open wounds & out your veins.
Counting down to four.
Blood gathers upon your palms like rain puddles.
Counting down to three.
Blood falls like rain drops & tears off your fingers tips.
Counting down to two.
Blood leaks down your ****.
Blood bleeds out your wound & I watch you aestheticly abort the love you cursed upon me.
Heaven & hell faded from my conscious.
Wake me up,
for I've been dead for years.
She danced her way inside my comatose.
She sings "the meaning of death " she sings "is the value of life"
Time wraps it's hour hand around my neck, asphyxiating me
While the minute hand runs a dagger of reality through my temple and cuts me open
To spill the real consciousness of time, inside my head
I've been walking around bleeding out
With hope in my heart, pretending that love could last forever
Woke up, it's 3am.
I'm half awake,
moonlight strings of light piercing through my window screen.
Walked towards the door,
the floor is cold, It creaks & sings haunting melodies as I trace way to the kitchen.
Open drawer, grasped a knife.
Took it and held it tight.
Slowly penetrated my left eye.
Blood pours down my face.
Lost sight of the demons holding me captive in my mind.
.I pulled my eyelids out with my fingertips.
Trying to find a dim light in the this pitch blackness.
Shadows swimming in my
I'm eating my problems, & my sorrows, to feed my hollow
I could puke a gazillion ways to solve them.
Yet I still isolate the truth by eating my silence & stitching my mouth shut.
There's an ocean in my mind,
dissolving in dissonance.
As fragments of reminisce,
Stab me like knifes.
Lighthouse in my heart
the moment you set sail.