For a long time now
Life has been like a dream
I go day by day
On autopilot
My life is monochrome
Bland
I feel I am a burden
I try to be of use
Change
How I am
How I act
If life’s a game
I’m not playing right
Am I not good enough
Why don’t my efforts pay off
Might I be vexed
Or am I an omen
My mind is often flooded
With thoughts like so

Surroundings surreal
My chest feels tight
I find it hard to breathe
And I really want to scream
To let off some steam
But that’s weird right?
I should just bottle up this whatever
In the end you fall or keep climbing
My momma didn’t raise a quitter
Even though most of my decisions
always make me feel bitter
I don’t know how to act
I can’t even react
But my course is steady
I don’t fall off track
Play it off enough to seem normal
But I don’t even know who I am
I’m lost, I feel like an actor
Always trying to play my role
I shouldn’t even care.

You went astray
Now im sitting ashing bowls in my ashtray
Wondering why the flying ****
I had to let you go away
I guess it was my Philophobia
Fear of love cause love is pain and not even a raging rain storm could wash away the hurt
My apologies if im being selfish
But **** your feeling this is all about me
Can't you see the hurt in my eyes as I listen to your lies and try to convince my self to believe
Always hoped for our happily ever after  
But now I just wish I could forget you a little bit faster

I like you
I want you to like me too
I want to hug you
I want to kiss you
I want to wake up to you
You are the sun
That brightens up my days
I think I’m not good enough
I know there are a lot of people after you
I know they could probably treat you better
I’m not right in the head
I get anxiety attacks thinking about it
How I want you to be happy
And I want to be happy
But I have nothing to offer
But my unstable love
I’ll push you away
Even though I want you to stay
I want you to want me
But I don’t want you to fall for me
I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want you to hurt me
I’m too irrational
And I don’t make any sense
Would you put up with my demons
Would you stay through my storm
Or would you leave me
To be eaten by my own mind
No one gets me
I need to love and be loved
More than anything.

Tell me why
I always
Look for the truth
Within your eyes
Though they’re filled with lies
But I eat them up like lullabies
They bring me comfort
But im not a victim cause I know
You don’t really give a ****
But like a fix
I can’t get enough
I just want more
Of you pretending to care

My feelings faded away
Now all I feel is blue
I wonder why I’m so down
I’m always high
It doesn’t make sense
So I try some **** that’s more intense
I live with a bottle glued to my hand
And I have bottles of pills on deck
These drugs I self prescibe
Just to make me feel alive
The liquor helps me smile
But it makes me feel more numb
This **** helps me think
But it makes me more dumb
This yay makes my whole life feel A’okay
But it’s really ******* up my brain.

There are days
Days when I can’t stand the world
I hate everyone, I hate myself
Some days I beat depression
But mostly it kicks my ***
I wish I could be normal
I don’t even remember what that feels like
Once upon a time I was happy
Some days I’m optimistic
But mostly I find myself being realistic
I wish I could just be normal
But what is normal anyway
Some days I fall apart
But mostly I do a good job keeping it all together
I really wish I was normal
Or at least felt like I wasn’t just an insignificant grain of sand
That was forced to work to live
Some days I hate the system
Because I really hate the system
I really wish I could change the system
But I really can’t change the system.

Woke up to a full moon
Middle of the twilight
Why am I feeling so eerie
The light from the sun
Reflecting off the moon
Brightening the land
With it’s cool rays
Beaming off the same energy
Without the heat
Little things like that confuse me
They make me question
The perfection in our creation
The way the moon orbits
Our planet
We only see one face
the dark side
Is a mystery
Why this planet filled with misery
We read each other’s skin
Like a resume
They way they dress
The way they look
We are quick to assume
But we dont realize we are doomed
They pit us against each other
And like sheep we are hurded
we are toys played with by puppets
since we were young
we have been brainwashed
by the system
we learn from books
that get thinner every year
i see things everyday that make me question where i stay
But I got a ball and chain
Debt keeps holding on to me
I want to run away
But it weighs too much for me to move
Work everyday
Still can’t make ends meet
Modern day plantation
Through time some things stay the same
I wonder if there even is a way to stop them.

Her lips tasted like candy
She was a ray of the sun
That shined so very brightly
I wish I could have held her forever
When she walked away it saddened me
I went in a craze
I don’t think I can live without my baby
I just want to be there for forever
Watching her closely
Gently caressing her soul
I wish I could be the one
Though I know she deserves better
don’t know what is wrong with me
broke her little heart
I should have pushed her away
From the start
Before she fell for me
But I let her in
Then I kicked her out
That became routine
Over and over and over again
Till she finally walked away
I guess I’m glad
I truly wish
she could find someone better
Alone I lay weeping in the shadows
Thinking of how different things could be
But of all the things I’ve loved and lost
It’s been etched into my soul
Love comes and goes
And it hurts so much when it goes
So don’t fall in love my friends
It will save you some heartache
Cause everything eventually goes
From her life I will fade away
But my heart won’t seize to ache

My face is a mask
I use to hide my feelings
No one ever sees the sadness
No one ever sees the pain
Cloak it all with just a grin
All my struggles
Tossed into this bottomless pit
I created to store unwanted feelings
A vessel on autopilot
Systematically completing my daily tasks
Fake smiles to the fake people
Tried to numb the bad
Now I don’t know good
No longer know the difference
Life is just plain.

Who misses the summer in the winter
And the cold when it’s hot
I’m never content with what I have
Bipolar you could say
I want love
But if you try to hug me I’ll push you away
To scared to let anyone in my bubble
But I don’t want to be alone
I hate how no one gets me
But if I’m honest I don’t even get me

I used to be so impatient
To find someone to love
And when love came
Knocking on my door
I couldn’t help but ignore
I was scared cause I never truly had it
Everything I had before was lust
And it’s a bust
Now I’m lonely but I trust              
The future has more for me
I just have to wait and see
And if Cupid does me wrong again
I’ll find him  
Punch him in the throat
Steal his bow and a bunch of arrows
Shoot all my crushes
And proceed to live my life
Happily ever after.

People all around me but I feel so alone
Smile on my face but I ain't happy at all
They say I'm depressed but I can't even feel
Thoughts cloud my mind
People be so unkind
Why we all so evil
We are the root of this madness
I’m part of the issue
I think way too much
But I don't say nothing at all
No voice to my opinions
Just some hollow thoughts

Seven years ago today
An immature teen
Clocked by reality
Life had been so good
I had a roof
plenty of food
so many dreams
I thought would come true
In the months leading up
To that fateful day
I lost hope in the world
Cut my ties with religion
Pushed the whole world away
Because I was in pain
Emotionally distraught
-
“This can’t be real” was my only thought
pinch pinch pinch till I bruised
But I wouldn’t wake up
In those days
I felt like each was eternal
Daily visits to the hospital
To see the strongest person I knew
Slowly losing his strength
Drugged up so much
He forgot who I was
I couldn’t understand
Why he couldn’t remember
One day I sat by him
To keep him company
He was so fed up
He just wanted to die
To leave that forsaken room
Of which he was a prisoner
He yanked his iv
With so little strength
As I held him down
With tears pouring out my eyes
He looked into my soul
And with such a piercing rage yelled at me
-
“You’re worthless let me go
you are not my son”
Those words cut deep
And broke me inside.
-
My last memory with him
Kills me to this day
It was the last chance I had to visit
And I went into his room
I tried to have a conversation
But he was delirious
He had 5 blankets
But he shivered and said
“Nieve, nieve”
I hugged him tight
A million thoughts running
Through my mind
-
In my head I ran away with him
Took him on a journey to cross off
Everything from his bucket list
-
In reality I sat with him and wept
He wiped away a tear and murmured under his breath
Words I couldn’t make out
So I tried my best to figure it out
“Fruta” i managed to hear
So I started naming fruits
“Sandia”
He nodded no
“Fresa”
His head again shook
Till I guessed what he wanted
I promised him
I would bring him one back
The very next morning
On my way to school
I passed by a tree
And the fruit my dad wanted
Hanging within reach
And as I walked closer
I thought to myself
I’ll pick it later
And headed to class
-
I still remember clearly the moment I found out
I was in 3rd period algebra
When I got called to the office
Which wasn’t something new
Since I was a rebel
But I felt my gut drop
And somehow I knew
“I don’t know how to say this, your sister is on the phone”
Said the lady in the office
She handed me the phone
I didnt even let my sister speak
“Ok, bye”
-
The office lady asked me if I wanted to go home
But the last thing I wanted was to see
Was the bigger picture
I had lost peices of the puzzle
All that was left was rubble
Seven years to this day
I’m still constantly depressed
And filled with regret

What propels the wolf
To slaughter the sheep?
Is the full moon at night
a reason not to sleep?
You transformed before my eyes
Filled my mind with lies
Now I’m drowning
In this pool of thoughts.
But you won’t let me drown
You're already ready
With your claws right by my chest
Waiting till my last conscious breath
To rip my soul from its vessel

Her hips like the ocean
never stopping  constant motion
Mind like a maze got me in a daze
Soul like a river
-
Her presence makes me shiver
Chills down my spine
Heart pounding  
Adrenaline rushes
I feel so warm
-
Her smile made me smile
I don’t even smile
What is this feeling?

What’s the point of living?
making things better
whats the point of making things better when we constanly fight and **** each other?
this world is a game and we all in it
not a single person can win it
why cant we all just put aside the
*******, races, ethnicitys
the color of our skin
in the end were all kin
developed from a higher power
that Towers
the only way to win is to reach the gates but the way we're all headed we only finna see the flames that will burn us for eternity call it purgatory

I used to live
I’m dead inside
I have no feelings
Hollow
People find it hard to swallow
That I can’t express my emotions
They always assume
I’m just rude
Have no sense of humor
Don’t care about ****
It’s not my fault I’m broken
I wish I could feel like they feel.

What happens when we die?
life after death?
Your soul leaving your body?
Do we find a new host?
Or are we judged for our actions?
Are we sent away to the pits of hell?
Or into our personal cloud in the sky?
Or maybe it all just ends?
Does it all go black?
To nothingness?