I'll remember you any day
Even when you're far away
I'll remember you

And so with golden crown and silver scepter
The weight of the world on your shoulder
You look once more at that pretty little rock
And see a mighty strong boulder

I'm numb.
Numb.

A word Ending in mb
Such a strange combination
Occurring most memorably in dumb

Numb.

People are injected with novocaine to quell the pain in surgical operations
I don't need any kind of injection for my own physical protection
I already feel no pain
Yet they give it to me all the same

This is defense
This is to cope
This just makes sense
That's what I hope
A rush of emotion
Something I can feel
Is this temporary
Is this even real

When was the last time you actually ate
I don't know - I don't know what I put on my plate
Joy for a minute and then it's all gone
And they ask me what is it - what could possibly be wrong

I'm yearning
And learning
And
Not earning

Any of their respect
It's a multiple-choice test and no answers are correct

Lumber arches guide me through
Wooden doorways old and new
So much to see in this world of fantasy
Come with me

Rocks and scissors
Pen and paper
Tell me what it means

Many places
Covered faces
Stranger than it seems

Songs and paintings
All erased by the incoming tide
Facts and figures
Left to drown as they are swept aside

Tell me please just what you see and don't you try to lie
I'll uncover all the truths and the silence that you buy
Cant help you now
Welcome to the underground

I miss my theater
I miss the lights
I'm finding I even miss
The many sleepless nights

Cause now I lie awake
My head so filled with song
I'm finding that without you
The world just feels so wrong

I miss the chaos
I miss my crew
I miss every little thing
That I used to do

I cannot reschedule
The last curtain call
I cannot imagine
A year without you all

I'm crying, I'm trying
The tears, they never fall
I cannot imagine
A year without you all

I am not the darkness
I am not the light
I am not the daytime
I am not the night

I'm not happy
I'm not sad
I'm not joyful
I'm not glad

I'm not silent
I'm not sound
I am a circle
But I'm not round

I am fire, I am ice
I'm not mean, but I'm not nice

I have big shoes to fill
I'm trying hard to impress
All of you don't realize
You cause me stress

I work real hard and write it down,
all of my plans
but will I ever be happy
I don't know if I can

I'm writing letters and songs and scripts
I'm writing stories and jokes and quips
I've written so much in so little time
Am I running out of time?

Am I off-key, am I off-pitch
Is it my tone or is my diction missed?
Am I speaking, am I singing, I don't know
Where can I go?

Someday I hope you'll remember me
Someday I hope I will be part of your history
Am I an artist who's doomed to be
Never appreciated until she dies
Why?

I'm not a figment of your imagination
I think I could use a little appreciation
I want to help others like me
When I'm grown
If I'm grown
Who will I be?

I am drowning in letters and papers
all of my stories surround me
drowning in letters and papers
can I ever be happy?
drowning in letters and papers
drowning again
drowning in letters and papers
will I ever reach the end?

will you all remember me?
will I be worth anything to remember?
are you like the one I see
when I look in the mirror?
will you hate me?
will you not understand?
will you pity me before I take my stand?
just keep the pen in your hand
always keep that pen in your hand
you won't ever know what the universe has planned
so just keep that pen in your hand

If I  die give 'em all a sight
show 'em all the stories that I never got to write
put me on the stage and for the first in a very long time
let them hear me sing, let them see me shine

sight-reading
that's all we can do
never hearing the melody
but still singing it through

focus on the details
focus on the song
and piece by piece like a puzzle
someday you'll belong

education
The High School for Crying
The College for Artists
who fear much more than dying

special skills
I can see things that are not there
I can take more than anyone can bear
I can work without lunch or dinner
I can let myself get thinner and thinner
I can suffer and still sing
I can be silent through almost everything

goals
I will write until I ache
I will sing until I break
I will give more than I take
I will make a mistake


wait


hold on

no, wait

please don't go

don't reject my resume

please no

Father, do you remember what flowers smelled like?
Do you remember the ocean's calm waves?
Father, what was it like to run in the sunlight?
Or to play outside all day?

Father, do you remember what trees looked like
before they all went away?
Father, what was it like to breathe clean air
when you walked to school each day?

Father, why do you cry?
Is it because you can't see the sky?
Father, what did the world use to be?
What was the world like when it was happy?

Father, where are all the kids like me?

What is a dog?
What is a cat?
What is a bird?
Do you remember that?

What is a dream?
Did you ever have one?
Is it something you buy, like air?
Is it something you hold, and care?

Father, do you remember when people used to care?
Father, do you remember that?

I live in a time when we hide our faces
I live in a time when we still fight for equal rights for all races
I live in a time when school shootings are the norm
I live in a time when history is taking another new form

I live in a generation who jokes about death
I live in a generation who laugh and cry in a single shaky breath
I live in a generation who don’t believe the truth
I live in a generation who never had a happy youth

I live in a world while I scream and shout
I live in a world while no one lets me out
I live in a world while I am trying to cope
I live in a world while I cling to hope

I live in a place where school children are waiting to die
I live in a place where boys are told that “real men don’t cry”
I live in a place where dreams are killed
I live in a place where a higher death count means our leaders are skilled

Still, I live
In this place,
In this time,
And I will survive.

I live in a house
I live in a home
I live in a body I can call my own

I live in a bubble I’m trying to pop
I live in a mind unwilling to stop
I live in a note, a powerful song
I live in a voice that is still singing strong

When news of the pandemic reached my high school, no one was thinking of the impact that year.
We all thought that the government would never close our schools.
They would leave us to die, and we would wait to be killed.
The first thought when we were told that school would not be the same was, well this just means I won’t die by a bullet while trying to pass geometry.
When did trying to survive high school become so literal?
I am terrified that I will never hug my friends again.
I am terrified that I have had my last moments in high school.
I wanted a graduation.
I wanted a prom.
I wanted to sing and perform.
I wanted to be somewhat happy.
I don’t know how to stop this pain in my chest, spreading more and more hurting me beyond anyone’s comprehension.
I am so alone, and yet I crave the quiet.
It’s too loud, but no one is singing.
I just want to have the memories that everyone has.
I just want to hug my best friend again.
I want to worry about college, not how and when, and where I will die.
I want to be a kid, for the next few months.
Because this is the last chance I’ll get.
And the end of my childhood will be marked by months of being alone and devastated.
I just want to be a kid while I still can.

There’s a house
There's a lake
There's a field, a plow, and a rake

There are so many animals
They're my friends
There are people laughing
At every day's end

There are people dancing
There are so many songs
And there are so many wonders
I wonder if the world has seen them all

There are secrets and truth
And elders and youths
There are people, just people
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
It's a mess.

There are clocks
Ever reminders
Present no matter what we do to just ignore

There are so many little things
That life has in store
There are jump ropes
There are ties
There are sweets
There are swingsets and rhymes
There are games we play
So many games we play

And none of us know exactly why
There are books and paintings, and screens galore
There are lion and tigers
I hear them roar
There are children growing up

Guess I was one too
There are so many memories
Of you

There are so many memories
Of you

I will spend a lifetime
Just walking around
Never letting my feet
touch the ground

Once firmly placed here
Now I can fly
Would you ever go back
Why

Like a soul tortured by desire
Like a bird soaring ever higher
Every mile I fly
I take to the sky
Every second
Makes me want to cry

That I could possibly know this feeling
Know this joy I feel
That I could possibly have the feeling
Knowing what this feels like to me

So like a soul possessed
Like a heart beating
I will forever know
My love will only grow
My love
To fly
My love for the sky
My love for the sky

A soul unhinged
A life to live
And all of it fades away
Today

With the sky
With the clouds
With the beautiful sounds
That I hear all around me and I see

The smiles and laughter
And sometimes small disasters
And I know it's up there for me
I know there’s so much to see

And all my life
I've waited to be
Someone who flies
Someone who spends their life in the skies

So here I am
And here I'll stay
This is the way I will feel forever

Finally up
Up there in the sky
In the sky
I fly

I hear the roaring of the brook
so wild, untamed and free.
It’s just… Beautiful.
Catching everything that comes its way.
And I see my reflection smile back at me.
The world as I know it has changed.
Everything is different now.
Everything has been rearranged.
All the lights have gone quiet on the stage.
All the sounds are gone.
Silent.
All the people, at home.
It’s so quiet.
Will it be this way forever?
Has it changed?
Will it ever go back to how it was?

All people are selfish.
Not all people have empathy.
A waltz or ballet dances in my head.
Am I doomed to hear them on repeat until the day I’m dead?

Why can I never write?
Tripping over my words like rope left out at sea.
Now look at that, I've lost all hope of writing an analogy.
Then a rhyme, a spark of joy.
Maybe this could be a song worthy of others to see.

There’s never quiet,
always sound,
never focused,
it's just too loud.

Words used to be my escape but now I can't even write.
I design fantasy worlds where I can fight my inner demons,
the ones that crawl around at night,
as foxtrots in the background are played in delight.

So I'm sitting in a back room, cringing at the slightest sound.
Reusing old lines from old poems and songs.
Things I can't finish,
things I can't start,
and things that hurt my broken heart.
Thoughts that seem stupid but won’t go away,
moments in the moonlight that aren't here to stay.

I'm so tired and yet I've gotten enough sleep
I guess I'm just tired of promises to keep.

There's so much to do
Much I wish that I did
Someone needs to remind me
I'm still just a kid.

Can I have another childhood, can I take it all back?
Would I take back the painful years of torment, of lying and shame?
Would I take back the tears that I have cried?
No. I’d never take back those tears, for they are my story.

There.

Have I done it?

Have I written enough?

I'm tired, so tired, I can't see it through.

Distractions, distractions, they hold me inside.
Inside the dark corners that make up my mind.
So many things dwell inside of my head.
It’s hurting, It’s hurting, make it stop, the little boy said.

Take another step, I know that you can.

I feel as if I will never write again.
I feel the doubt and fear,
paralyzing me until I don’t know what to say or hear.
They hate me, don’t they?
I fear their eyes,
their words,
their tears.

But I cannot speak.

I listen for the footsteps.
Where are they now?
Lighter footsteps slamming the door until I cannot hear them anymore.
Heavy footsteps have gone as well, the door is opened.
There they are.
I feel small,
so small
and little.

The word regression comes to mind.
They are coming closer, switch the tab, and hope that they are blind.

Questions are like landmines, and each one is smaller, still, no matter the size of the landmine, whether you try to confront or evade, they all are set to ****.

I don’t know if I can do this, be anyone I want to be.
Will I be a starving artist and a disappointment to my family?

My name is Fear, I do not grow, I am small in every way.
My impact is big, my job so large, and yet small in stature is how I stay.

Am I Fear, or am I something hidden far below?
If I am Fear, then tell me please why does my power grow?

As soon as I speak I forget the words, the problems, and questions as well.
There are so many things I yearn to learn, so eager to tell.

Growing up is stupid, and you can’t disagree;
so many things have gotten harder with age for me.

Don’t go outside,
don’t say a word,
don’t stay on the path,
don’t be deterred.

Don’t sing,
don’t write,
don’t flirt,
don’t fight.

These are simple things to ask of you.

Don’t listen,
don’t hear,
don’t have courage,
don’t fear.

These are what you know, and simple things to do.
Impossible standards are easy, the simple tasks are hard.
Is it one voice now, or many?
Are you always on your guard?

Listen, See, Do, Be.
These are simple, don’t you see?
Doubt is here, or is it fear?
Or maybe someone new?
All of these thoughts are yours my dear, so what does that mean for you?

I’m so scared
Am I sharing too much now
After years and years of silent doubts and fears
Am I a burden now
Could I take it back?
Now everyone knows that I’m a freak
Should I have stayed silent?
I was a fool to speak

I know others have it harder
I don’t pretend I have it worse
While for years and years my friends and peers
Have had fun and learned to talk
I buried my mind and heart so deep
That I don’t know where they are

Now I fear I’ve dug too deep
And I can’t find a way out
I’ve dug down until my fingers bled
And I sat in silence, thinking about
My stories and fantasy realms
Where are they, can I go there
Can I share a piece of me without being met with stares?

I’m choosing a career path that is destined to fail
Because I can’t even write down an idea in my mind
I feel so trapped inside this place, and I’m ready to bail
The world is going to end up gone before I get there

What can I do
I always somehow knew
But now when everyone wants to know
I have to say I don’t have a clue

People are horrid, and none of them deserve what they have
Do I deserve what I have
What do I have

Betrayal
Lies
Trust gone forever
Death
Bullying
And a bedrock tether

One by one they hurt me
Poison me with their lies
And now I cannot even trust
A single face, a disguise

Who am i
Am I talented
Not anymore
Am I confident
Not anymore
Am I empathetic
I wish I weren’t
Am I cursed
Maybe so

Am I a little coward who can’t face her problems
And needs to rely on meds
Am I worthy of a single minute with a single friend?
Keep your guard up
Don’t say a word
Maybe that will help
Maybe it will hurt you
But it won’t hurt anyone else

Sometimes i forget to eat,
And find that i prefer it
Sometimes i forget to drink
And find that the headaches are worth it
Sometimes i look in the mirror
And find someone i hate to see
Sometimes i think that she is pretty,
And then i see it's just ugly me
But i am not in danger
And i am not rib and bone
So i am not an issue
And i am not quite worthy of calls on the phone

This is but a simple night,
Not unlike any other,
But the lonely figure in the garden
Meets the face of yet another

I become the face I see on the other side of the mirror,
The outside observer, the heinous sight,
Shifting ever slightly still,
So the glass might catch the light.

For it may be the sunny day,
Or the calm and peaceful night,
Yet still, you’ll see the small figure in the garden,
Smiling with delight.