Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Kim Essary Apr 2019
I have done my best as a parent to raise my children right, but the pain I'm enduring right now is a pain I can't speak from my mouth I can only write.
My son has cussed me, stole from me, used me, drained me, tried to destroy my relationship, he has called me while he was hitting the dope ****** he lives with, as I'm begging him to stop while my chest is in so much pain, he continues with no thought at any moment I could die from heart failure,  he has put a knife to his throat in front of me and through it all I find myself hopeless but I still love him hurt for him want to hold him and tell him it's all going to be ok. Because at the end of the day he is my baby boy. He has drained me for every penny, blamed me, told me he was going to **** me, I didn't need to be on this Earth and through it all I still sit here this morning searching online for ways to save him because I know his heart and I feel his pain I'm supposed tO I am his momma . My emotions are torn beyond repair I get angry, mad, sad, hurt and frustrated not knowing how to help him but at the end of it all I cry with hope and prayer that God will bring him peace and comfort within himself  I pray that he remembers how he was raised and humbles himself enough to get the help he needs he has seen and been through more than most grown men could ever imagine and he survived so I am fighting a battle that he feels he has already won because he has survived so much more but still the end of the day the battle he faces is the rest of his life and it's all about a choice a simple seemingly choice.  The choice to continue a road to destruction for the rest of his life or the choice to humble himself and get help , we as mother's have wiped the tears from our children's faces throughout their life. We have cleaned their scrapes and nursed their fevers. We have fed them and clothed them we have spanked and loved we have faught their battles and stood in front of them to protect them from danger and when faced with their addiction we have found that the choice isn't ours anymore and that is the hardest most hurtful things to have to face when we can't take their hand to lead them from danger we can't tell them the fire is hot and will burn you and it's harder than anything in this world because at the end of the day we are still their mother. No excuse, no blaming the drug or drugs, no I'm sorry, it won't happen again, will ever erase the hurt inside my heart. But nothing can take away the blessing God gave to me, the gift of my son. Because when it's all said and done, I'll catch him when he falls and wipe his tears and clean his scrapes, I am forever and always "His Momma"
Addiction is a choice not a way of life. If something consumes or controls you , don't do it, the hurt is far beyond the eyes of an addict .
Kim Essary May 2018
DREAMS are illusions made up in our mind.
We usually spend a lifetime chasing but rarely ever find.
Fabrications of the way we want to be.
Just to wake to a harsh reality.
We Invision all these things we long to find.
Dreaming of this fantasy we make with our mind.
Why must we dream all this false illusion in our brain ?.
We wake again to reality just to realize we only self inflicted our heart more pain.
Dreams are merely a fabrication of an illusion of things that we will never do.
The make believe of a Happily Ever After, that never comes true.!
©kimmied1105
Dreams will pick you up and watch you fall back down.
Kim Essary May 2020
Alone in the morning and even at night is how she lives her life
The days of her life have crept up on her tired broken soul, as she scoots off her bedside, with pain in her body stabbing like a knife
For many years there hasn’t been one day she hasn’t felt like giving up her fight
But the way she was raised and the woman she had become, giving up wouldn’t be right
Yet she wondered oh so often just what it was she was fighting for
For her body had all but given in to pain and the ones she loved didn’t seem to love her anymore
Tears all but consumed her once gleaming eyes
For the only thing gleaming in her eyes now are the tears when she cries
She will leave this earth with many unanswered questions in her mind
When she’s no longer here she wonders of the memories she will leave behind
Was she something so awful to be treated so bad
She will leave this earth with her heart broken and sad.
Being alone is lonely enough but being alone in the presence of another is so much worse
Kim Essary Mar 2018
Are you awake my love it's so hard for me to sleep.
I'm so tired yet my eyes do nothing but weep.
I don't feel you holding me or your warm breath on my skin.
I rolled over and reach for you as I felt a piercing coldness deep within.
Laying here beside you your presence  nowhere near.
I knew at that moment I was about to come face-to-face with My Own Worst Fear.
Please wake me from this nightmare it's not supposed to be this way
God put us back in each other's arms for us to stay.
My love for you hasn't nor will it ever die.
I would lay down my life for you and never even ask why.
I shouldn't feel alone as you're lying right next to me.
Please bring back that man that I fell in love with the way things need to be

©kimmied1105
You should never feel alone in the presence of the one you love
Kim Essary Aug 2018
A sense of lonely covers my soul, like the darkest ebony amongst the snow.
The feeling of sadness and pain fills my heart, as I bare witness to evil tearing us apart.
So many obstacles stand in the way, my only hope is to bow my head and pray.
Though it's written in the Bible ,in which I believe to be true.
The children will turn on each other and their parents too.
Yet though hath commandments written in the stone.
Thought shall respect thy father and thy mother, no matter if you are grown.
How am I to accept this , the children I carried to life now turn their back against me.
How can one command  yet give warning just the opposite of the way the end shall be..
There is no greater pain other than when a mother gives birth , but for when her only children no not their mothers worth.
©KimE2018
I will never understand how the children we have raised can conform to the evils of this world and turn their back on their mother.
Kim Essary Mar 2018
The young mother weeps as she softly embraced her new baby boy.
  As he grows she taught him to crawl and next to walk, she taught him to talk and to be a big boy.
  She taught him respect and manners and right from wrong.
  Her battle began as he grew a little older she had no choice but to raise him alone.
  Feeling as if she wasn't enough she found herself instead of discipline she protects him at no cost and carried his blame.
  Which led him to believe he had no consequences to face for any of his actions.
  She now blames herself for the choices that he made she begged him not to drink and drive.
  Her warning fell short of reaching him only this time saving him was no option.
  He lost his best friend after a party on their journey home.
  The boys parted ways that night without ever saying goodbye for one went to heaven her  son was sentenced to prison and taken away. As his consequences are much deeper than his sentence, life without ever losing the memory of that horrible night is a sentence no judge can beat.
  For now she weeps for the day that she will feel again her son's soft embrace.
©kimmied1105
To my son, I love and miss you every day
Kim Essary Mar 2018
Before you go on to read  my writing, I ask that you read the one Titled " A Mother's Worst Fear" as you will appreciate and  understand this better .  As i sat patiently waiting  for my best friend of 20 years to be uncaged and given his freedom,
The excitement as I arrived must have blinded my entrance, never paying any mind to my surroundings , until I checked in with a guard and showed him my licence. He said without a smile for me to have a seat in the lobby, as I turned to do just that my heart hit the ground and then it hit me , I was standing in a building centered in the middle of a huge rounded  fence laced with razor sharp barbed metal.
I couldn't imagine the look on my face as I found me a seat, thoughts and emotions running so deep.
I couldn't help but notice 2 women sitting across from me, engaged in conversation. I heard one say her son was the young age of 19  , he had been stabbed four times in 2 different prisons, as the other chimed in her boy was now 30 this was his second time behind the fence of barbed wire
I tried to keep my head down so they couldn't see the tears welling in my eyes ,  my throat felt like a cotton ball was lodged I couldn't hardly swallow,  they shared their stories of their sons and their convictions, one was saling drugs the other robbed a store. Something inside me felt like a knife taking jagged strikes through my heart. My purpose for being there lost in my thoughts, I tried to stay silent and go unnoticed to reframe from any invitation of conversation   as one lady spoke up. Ma'am are you here to get your son too. I can't imagine the look on my face as I choked through the ball of cotton to respond to her. No ma'am unfortunately I'm not his release isn't until November of this year, my best friend of 20 years is the reason I'm here. Dropping my head back down I couldn't reframe any longer, the pain to much, tears rolling down my face as I tried wiping them away. My thoughts of my baby boy running rapid, God how I wish I was here to get him.
The men in uniform in and out , leaving me sickened with the metal doors slamming and self locking at their exit and entrance. The men all around the centered building I waited ,all wearing white with large black words stamped on their backs "Property of the State" Nothing but glass between them and me, I watched as some gathered while others sat alone in their own little world and wondered what my baby did when he was out there , was he joining the others in a game of ball or was he all by himself sad and alone. A guard informed us it wouldn't be long now, they were signing their release, The mother's excitement filled the room, was I being selfish, I should be excited to. soon I would see my best friend,  but all that my mind could think was God why can't I be waiting on my boys release. I picked up my friend as we got in the car, he noticed my silence and could see I had been crying , his age and conviction and knowing me so well, he offered me his condolences and then he said, you know I would've traded places with him just to see you reunited and happy again. Piercing pain and sorrow over took me now .we weren't even out of the parking lot I couldn't see to drive through my tears, I hugged him tightly and said, this is why you will always be my best friend for the next 20 years. My son called me later that night to congratulate my friend as I heard his voice crack on the other end of the line he said tell Mr. David I'm glad he's free , hey momma don't worry it's not my turn yet , he's aged and doesn't have the time left out there I do, for the next time you walk through this fence of barbed wire it will be me walking out to go home with you.

©kimmied1105
I can't wait for the day to reunite with my son. Thank God for my best friend and his loyal understanding
Kim Essary Aug 2018
The time is drawing closer, what seems to have felt like a lifetime , was a little over two years.
Although our lives were changed on August 1, 2012, when your accident took the life of your best  friend.
They sentenced you to 30 months of prison 5 years of  probation,   one mistake during this time 15 more years to spend .
So many things have changed in such little time since you've been behind that fence of barbed wire which is soon to end.
I am so ready for you to be free from those bars and become whatever your heart desires.
All I ask of you son, when I pick you up, before you take your first  step into freedom, leave the prison mantality behind that fence and never look back.  Take with you only what you need and that your freedom requires.
From that moment on every decision and choice you make will pave the road for your life and freedom.
Remember the ones that carried you and anyone one else you don't need them ,
Please believe me son they don't have your best interest at heart and never truly do.
My excitement and fear are about the same I'm worried sick over you
If I could make you step outside the box maybe then you would see.
There's not but one that's rode with you and will always guide you right and son that one person is me.
November 8 is the day of his release. Im so ready to see him but so afraid of the choices he might make.
Kim Essary Oct 2018
Time has  preserved you as it has taken toll on me ,
Three years of waiting on the day to come, as you are to be  set free.
Free from chains that bound you with locks on Gates and slamming metal doors, Guards at every turn, no privacy to keep you away from the fears you had to hide
Nothing will erase the things that you've encountered and much more you had to see, behind those  prison walls known as life on the inside.
There isn't a time I can recall when you asked and didn't receive.
I took care of you and have waited three years just to pick you up and watch you leave.
My heart is broken but there's nothing I can do..
The choice is yours to make, I can't live your life for you. .
Everyone that hasn't been there and stood against me.
Are the ones that will enjoy your freedom ,  it's so unfair but you don't agree.
So I'll do what a mother should
I've been there for you all that I could
I pray you have all you ever dreamed and more
A family with your baby girl I know you will adore.
Maybe God will answer one more prayer for me
He already answered the one to allow me to make it long enough to see you free.
Now I Pray for him to keep you safe in a town full of demons just waiting  for you to come.
I'm always here for you , my one and only son .
I know it's time for me to let go and allow you to be a man
I'm always here for you son just don't forget always be the best that you can.
But in this busy world we live in nobody is promised another day,
Don't forget to tell the ones you love how much you love them because it only takes one minute to say and in that same minute it takes a blink of an eye for them to go away.
Sometimes it's hard for a mother to let go and allow their children to grow up and I don't know how well I'll succeed at this I just know I've got to try.
Kim Essary Jan 2019
Of this world so darkened by evils, evils that taint and tarnesh all the good in it's path..
Love bares a soul that only our creator can claim, hands that heal the wounded and a heart that breaks by day.
Hidden souls that crawl from the cracks left behind to wait for the coiled serpant like powerless pray.
They walk amongst us in a field left open , to be struck by the venome  as they lay hopeless and face their death ,.
The Wounded Healer kneels beside them with hands to lay, ******* the poison,  giving them purity to rinse their veins.
The Wounded Healer now weakened by the goodness of thyne heart but expects nothing in return
Now her age upon her,  taken over the beast of I'll, not one soul of the once wounded stands before her to show they love her,  as she asks of nothing more before she goes.
Is this what I see and feel before me to be A Wounded Healer yet die with painful sadness as I lay here all alone .  
Tis true to never expect the good you rein upon God's children to rein on you in return. Keeping your heart good and love without regret for This is the Only honest love that of a wounded Healer is certain they will get
Healing of anything is self serving in itself
Kim Essary Sep 2021
This journey called life seems so unfair
There’s very little good to be found
But so much evil everywhere
It’s hard to imagine the way things
Were  way back in the day
When family stuck together and didn’t
Betray
Morals were valued and respect was
A must
When a mans word was all that he had
To earn trust
Love was cherished and loyalty was too
For back in the day this is all that we knew
There were no cell phones, video games or the internet heard of
Back in the day time was spent with the ones we love
Things of this world were so much better when Gods children could openly pray
The world was a much better place back in the day.
Missing the way things use to be
Kim Essary Mar 2018
There's nothing more to overcome as this  battle from within,  pounds, burns, sharp as a knife then pounds, burns and tingles til numb. My nerves fighting my muscles,  as my bones are deteriating away ,
  How can it be the anatomy of my being is fighting to survive
The rate of my existence said to be extinguished seven years ago.
  Whom is it they think they are to set my death. Indeed I should have boundaries  The mind is a powerful thing
  I wake from my short slumber to roll from my bed, the pain unbearable but it's all in my head, or so I make myself believe
   I think and I ponder and speak to my mind so my body can hear.
  Questions without answers so why even inquire. Take this take that you need one no maybe five. Please put your pad away for I will take only my mind, no doubt in my mind it is the meaning and will as to why I'm still alive. So keep all your poison, for I will fight this battle from within and show them I will survive.
To wake is a blessing as is every step that I take
  I know my pain will never go away so what more can be done, sadly nothing so I deal with it and go on with the day

©kimmied1105
I am a survivor and not a victom, 20 prescriptions not to mention the dose,if I can overcome all of my illness I hope to inspire anyone that thinks that they can't. I'm living proof
Kim Essary Aug 2018
The image of beauty is what our eyes see, however the arrainment of truth comes from within.
We can makeup our face and wear perfect attire,
At the end of the day it's a pure heart you desire.
The rose of so many colors  so beautiful to the eyes
As you reach down to touch  it,  beauty is it's disguise .
Covered down it's long sleek stem, sharp thorns await your touch.
Things and people of this world aren't always as they appear as you see the rose is to your touch.
As we read our children a fairytale , painting a picture as this,
Once upon a time, not long ago, was once or never to be.
Though we painted their eyes a picture of what we wanted them to see.
Our choice of reading how is it we make our choice, seemingly from the title , the cover of the book is most.
It's not until we go beyond what our eyes can see that we decide our interest in what we read. So you see , the rose of beautiful colors , the fairy tales of whats not will ever be , the book you judge by it's cover, until you look inside , beyond what your eyes can see, you never know the truth of the beauty from within .
©kimmied1105
Simple truth of the saying never judge a book by it's cover, the same message applies to everything
Kim Essary Sep 2019
Learning more with every passing day, feeling more like I don't belong.
Something I dreamed to be so right has become ever so wrong.
Remembering all the hurt and pain I've been through in my past
Now added the reality that even dreams don't last.
Finding that place of belonging is few and far between.
Kim Essary Mar 2018
Be patient with her son, as she's only known you for a little while.      
  Give her time and your baby girl will feel Comfort when you smile.
  Be patient with her son, if she pulls away from your first hug.
  It won't be long  And she will be the one giving your shirt tale a tug.
  Be patient with her son, as she needs reassured all along.
  For the stranger standing in front of her is  her Daddy  that loves her so much and will always be there to teach her right from wrong.
  Be patient my son

©kimmied1105
My son has a little girl he's never seen she will be 2 in September h3 is daddy she just doesn't know him yet.
Kim Essary Nov 2018
Blame is merely a person's way of.  placing fault of their own amongst someone else to keep them from admitting any wrong.
Fault, a widely described word in which is a cause and or effect of a purpose.
Putting blame upon another is telling them they are at fault of making the wrong decision or choice of action.
Not much intellect goes into either word as I see it.
An action , so to speak, is bound to get a reaction.
So mind boggling these words, maybe it is that your actions caused another to make a decision you may Invision to be wrong when in respect it was only a reaction to your action, so whom shall be to blame or at fault now?
When in the act of pointing the finger or making such accusations of blame or fault ask yourself , was it an act you did that caused them to react in such a manner that it could be wrong?
Just a jumble of thoughts crossing my mind .
Kim Essary Apr 2018
Through my entire life a mirror was my best friend, although I held faith in my vanity , and layed visions of humbleness to never show conceit, extra pounds or a flaw of imperfection never crossed my mind,
I was always an athlete without a failed attempt, as I knew no other way, , somehow somewhere my health took a turn for the worst, my once beautiful body, is no longer beautiful today.
Without casting a shadow or a reflection of me , inside my heart I'm still alive and Invision myself as I use to be, it rains horror over me trying to comprehend what happened to my existence why did the one thing I was so proud of have to go away. If I had one wish for myself I would wish to return my body so when I look in the mirror again I will see me. I long to walk proud again so my outside will match  my insides and make me complete.

©kimmied1105
Bad health came from nowhere and consumed me taking the one thing I was proud of all I want is to get it back to be proud again of me
Kim Essary Aug 2018
Time has gone by so fast, yet not one day has gone by without thinking of you.
My body has grown so tired yet I continue to fight .
In hopes that one day you will love me to.
I can't tell you the sadness I feel in my heart.
There are no words to describe the pain.
Thinking of all these wasted years we've spent apart .
I've missed out on my precious grandsons life, and yours just the same.
I never dreamed my life to be this way.
I am only human but it's all me that you blame..
Just when I thought I had my baby girl back in my life .
Something else happened to make me the bad guy again.
Now we don't talk at all and I feel like my heart is being stabbed with a knife.
Baby girl there is going to come  a day
A day when I will be gone from this Earth never to return.
I only pray you have no regrets for secluding me or for all the hurtful things you say.
Just always remember one thing  your momma loves you and my little Roo , I just only wish you loved me too..
©kimmied1105
I miss my daughter and grandson terribly
Kim Essary Aug 2018
People come and go in  your life, some you set free.
Sitting as I look at your empty  chair across from me.
Your not there anymore, it's hard for me to see
I will never understand why you walked out.
Is this what love and loyalty is All about?
You promised me things would always be the same
Now a broken friendship and it's me who gets the blame .
20 years of friendship, all the laughter, joy  and pain.
We have been each other's rock through the sunshine and the rain.
You saved my life that night when you found me all alone.
If you hadn't come for me nobody would have known.
9 days you spent in ICU lucky you weren't dead
Who would have thought it was me saving your life instead.
I'm missing you my friend today and all the days  that's past.
I'm sure I'll miss you all the days to come as well, just how long does this hurt last?
I fought so long and so hard for you to be free.
I couldn't stand the thought of you spending life in prison, now you've walked away from me .
I Pray you never forget the friendship and love we shared.
We had a friendship most everyone searched for but never compared.
I'll close my words with one ssßß goodbye to you my dear friend
I'll cherish our memories I just wish this wasn't the end.
Losing someone in your life over nonsence truly hurts
Kim Essary Oct 2019
Have you no manners your words full of hate and actions unruly.
Tearing others down and being a bully.
You choose your victims by what your eyes Can see
It’s what’s on the inside so much pain waiting to be set free.
You don’t know their struggles and yet still don’t care
Bullying is no game so please be aware.
Your words one day could very well be the push over the edge
Mr Bully was their life worth the jump off the ledge
You don’t have to hurt others to stand tall
You would have been more the hero if you saved them from their fall
I hope it was worth it all the cruel things that you said
Mr bully he can’t hear your words anymore you hurt him so badly now he is dead
Bullying is a sickness and needs to be addressed so many young taking their own life because they were bullied.
Kim Essary Aug 2018
I believe it's time, time for me to run down this long and winding road full of bridges and every memory we ever made.
I've got to put it all behind me now and learn to live without you, it's so hard for me to face:
The first bridge was the hardest, as I poured the gasoline, wondering what went wrong, did I give up to soon, maybe I should have stayed.
As I lit the match, I watched as it turned to Ash;
I'm Burning Bridges along the way:
Ive got to keep pushing forward like the water in the creeks, Never looking back, no turning around , I'm setting our memories free. I don't want to relive this anymore:
I'm Burning Bridges along the way:
I don't want to remember how you held me in our bed at night or woke me with a good morning kiss. I don't want to remember the feel of your touch, or the way I could see the love you had for me shining in your eyes, it's time to set our memories free:
I'm Burning Bridges along the way:
Tears roll down my cheeks as I pour the last drop of gasoline, one more match, one more memory, as I turn around one last time with nothing left to say, One last bridge up in smoke:
I'm Burning Bridges along the way:
One step forward towards the rest of my life, I've set all our memories free,
I've Burned every Bridge along the way!
©kimmied1105
Just something I wrote
Kim Essary Nov 2019
How can it be that my heart aches for someone I’ve never met yet feel as if I’ve known forever.  
It’s as if our souls are attached through words typed and traveled all the way across the sea .
What is this, is it real, can it even be?
My friend lays in her bed only to await her journey to end.
As these thoughts race me to tears of the thought of her gone yet we have never even met
What is this, is it real, can it even be
A gut wrenching sadness that won’t go away, it’s as if I see her eyes I’ve never even seen and can feel her pain and her sadness as she lay in her bed to meet her fate,
What of such a force that is between us could allow this bond of two lives yet my eyes have never met her existence nor hers have met mine
What is this, is it real, can it even be,
Is this woman from across the sea my angel or am I to be hers, for we share so much likeness in our lives and things of our past and agree of things of this world most know nothing about,
Whatever it is or how it was meant to be I feel her in my heart and know she feels me
Whatever it may be it is more than real until we meet one day, I will always love you my friend across the sea.
This poem is the second I’ve written and Dedicated to A woman I met here on Hp one we can all agree is a loving soul with words that inspire all she knows. This woman is an inspiration to me  I Love You. My Dear Friend, Kim Johanna Baker
Kim Essary Jun 2018
Born pure and innocent into this world of sin and corruption, years of our life spent trying to discover the do's and Don'ts ,separating the good from the bad, and learning who we are and what we want to be,.
Growing up to be a product of our environment,
Remembering when every age above my own was so cool I couldn't wait to grow up. But if I could tell anyone anything and make them understand, I would tell them to STOP! Stop wishing you were older for any reason you have,. Your life will fly by in the blink  of an eye and before you know it you will be like me and asking yourself why. Why did I wish I would grow up so fast for being an adult carries so much stress you will look back on your life and it will all be a blur. Your memories will fade with each passing day. Please live your life slowly, don't wish it away.
©kimmied1105
Enjoy your life make it last while you can. Don't rush through because there will come a day when you look in the
Kim Essary Jan 2019
The Eve of Christmas and not one gift here to see,
The First Time in my life on Christmas I haven't put up a tree.
What am I becoming, someone I don't even know.
Not a light of twinkling or even a soft glow.
Christmas has always been my favorite holliday, up until this year.
So many things have changed, ive lost my Christmas cheer.
No kids to play santa for, they are all grown.
The Holliday I once loved I now spend all alone.
A once use to be favorite now so sad
Kim Essary Mar 2018
The vibrance of your seductive stare taunts me to invite your touch.
Your eyes turn from a hazel gaze to the fire depths of an emerald green
I can feel your soft caress as your hand slides down my body
My insi Ides bursting with desire as you press your lips to mine
Tasting your breath with my wet tongue feeling your depths become hard
Teasing me could be dangerous as I whisper in his ear
His hands slide over the peaks of my mounds infliction of pain  of wanting more of him
Take me you fool if it's submission you desire it's granted
Do as you please ,my body craving his feel
His touch fell beneath my waste as I felt the throbbing of my *** about to explode.
As his prince entered my castle thrusting and throbbing until the vanes in his body surfaced I felt his sweet release
Our bodies fit like a glove as we lay between the silky sheets
My love there's nothing that can compare to the beauty of the fireworks we ignite with every passionate stare.
©kimmied1105
Never let the passion escape keep it as new as the very first time   aim to please one another and you will never go wrong
Kim Essary Mar 2018
The vibrance of your seductive stare taunts me to invite your touch.
Your eyes turn from a hazel gaze to the fire depths of an emerald green
I can feel your soft caress as your hand slides down my body
My insides bursting with desire as you press your lips to mine
Tasting your breath with my wet tongue feeling your depths become hard
Teasing me could be dangerous as I whisper in his ear
His hands slide over the peaks of my mounds infliction of pain  of wanting more of him
Take me you fool if it's submission you desire it's granted
Do as you please ,my body craving his feel
His touch fell beneath my waste as I felt the throbbing of my *** about to explode.
As his prince entered my castle thrusting and throbbing until the vanes in his body surfaced I felt his sweet release
Our bodies fit like a glove as we lay between the silky sheets
My love there's nothing that can compare to the beauty of the fireworks we ignite with every passionate stare.
© kimmied 1105
Never let the passion escape keep it as new as the very first time   aim to please one another and you will never go wrong
Kim Essary Jul 2018
As the time to your freedom is drawing near,
I'm faced with excitement, joy and much fear.
It feels like a lifetime has passed since you have been away.
Things out here are changing more day by day.
I cant wait to see you and hug you tight.
I just hope and pray when you get home you live your life right.
I pray the choices you make are completely thought through.
That you come out with more knowledge and wisdom of what not to do.
I have aged 15 years in the 3 you have been in.
I can't wait to see you close this chapter of your life son and let your new life begin.
©kimmied1105
23 years old and lived a hard life I can only pray the lessons have changed the way he makes decisions for the rest of his life
Kim Essary Aug 2020
This Nation in which we live founded United as One
Built from the bricks of the hero’s stood proudly on display
Monuments and statues to represent where our freedom had begun
This Country has shed blood of soldiers sent to war
Whispers of disgust now wondering what it was all for
Was it to watch as a bunch of thugs burn our buildings and tear our history down
To vandalize the cemeteries of our heroes laid to rest beneath the ground
The screams of chanting black life matters in our street
Don’t they know all LIFES matter even you and me
This discrimination and hatred we are allowing is beyond belief
The things our ancestors did isn’t for us to be blamed
We of all races colors and religion have battled somewhere at some time in this life we live that will never excuse our history and the land our fore fathers founded to be torn to pieces and changed because it isn’t liked.
Strange how the people have lived every day since then just like me
Yet today they have forgotten they remain to live in the land of the free
God be with your people in this time of need
Kim Essary Oct 2018
I woke today with a hole in my heart wishing you were still here.
Time was supposed to make things easier but it gets harder for me each and every year.
Today we should be celebrating you birthday but instead I woke from my dream and had to face fact.
The fact that your not here with me, and knowing you're never coming back.
Not a day since you left to join the Angels in the sky,
That I haven't needed you or sat alone to cry.
I know I'll see you someday soon
You're not here to celebrate your birthday daddy so I'm sending you up one balloon.
When it goes through all the clouds and straight to heaven for you.
You will find your birthday card attached that reminds you every day how much your loved and how I've missed you too.
Happy Birthday up in heaven Daddy, love you baby girl
©KimE2018
I miss him every day know matter how long My Her My Daddy has been away
Kim Essary Feb 2019
Exhausted in mind,  body and soul,
My head spinning in circles out of control.
Exceeding even my own expectations yet succeeding to the fullest of failure in every way.
Becoming what ever it is I am today.
My attempts to reach the highest peak of the heavens , falling short every time
The fall leaving more lesions and memories I should have left behind .
Of all the beautiful birds in the sky why is it the dreadful vulture circles my existence .
From my darkened corner, peace is only seen from a distance .
As I await the angels to lift my tired soul up to the sky,
I watch them one by one slowly pass me by.
Sad to feel dark inside when all you want to see is the light
Kim Essary Jul 2019
Days of my life, most filled with pain.
Days where there's little sunshine, to see through the rain.
There are days when only my lonely whispers my name.
Some days I lay crying accepting my blame .
Days when Im sad for no reason at all
Days when silence fills these walls.
Through it all I still find strength  to Give God His Praise.
I will keep my faith and continue to Pray for God to send me  better days .
Although life seems so gloom I am very blessed to have been given each day I wake.
Kim Essary Mar 2018
Though you've never held me in your arms or seen my precious face.
Though  you have never held  my little hand and led me on my way
Though youve  never read me a bedtime story or bounced  me on your knee.
Though you haven't stood for hours and watch me as I sleep.
Though you haven't knelt  beside me to say my bedtime prayer or tucked  me in at night.
Though you've never  kiss my little cheek and to make me feel alright.
  Though I haven't met you yet, it's not too far away.
I'll be here waiting for you on that special day.
These are all the things I dream about and I hope that you do too.
  Daddy don't you worry cause your little girl already loves you .

©kimmied1105
I can't wait to see the first time my son lays eyes on his daughter and holds her in his arms for the very first time
Kim Essary Aug 2020
‘‘Tis not the thought of death I’m frightened
Yet how death captures life like a thief in the night I’m more afraid
Sadly as age and years of hard life have crept up on me
Time no longer my friend
For born into this world we have yet only two certainty’s
As one which is life given where the other is death to follow
Where we have life we have also death
Kim Essary Jun 2020
My body went numb the moment you took your last breath
I tried so hard to feel you yet felt only death
It was a feeling I had never felt before
Silence had filled my existence as I slowly knelt to the floor
I screamed out for you but you never replied
I knew in my heart the moment you died
I wanted to save you from all the thoughts in your head
But you turned away from me instead
What am I to do now that you are gone
Where do I go when there’s nowhere I belong
I want to wake up from this terrible nightmare
Reaching to touch you but you aren’t there
How do I go on without you here with me
What will I tell our little girl when she asks me where her daddy could be
We didn’t plan things to end this way
My only sanity is knowing that we will see you again some day.
Written for a very special friend about the passing of her husband which also was a special friend
Kim Essary Jul 2018
My pen feels much like my heart today as the ink that flows to my paper is speechless as my heart is broken and knows no words to say.
When everything I've ever wanted in this life continues into the darkness more every passing day.
Have you ever felt like you were screaming so loud but not a soul seemed to hear.
Almost like you were standing right in front of them but they never knew you were near.
I've become invisible to the only man I've truly ever loved and it's killing me inside.
He would rather throw our love away than to give up his pride.
So somewhere somehow I must find the strength to make a decision to go or stay.
It's hard to face the harsh reality of letting go of my one true love if my choice is to walk away
The hardest decision in my life should I stay or walk away
Kim Essary Oct 2018
As you travel life's winding road wherever it shall lead,
There's very few things you should take and many more to leave behind, lots of things your sure to want , but much less you're sure to need.
I'm glad our paths crossed along the way and I  found a friend in you,
A loving man in search of his happiness, and very deserving of it too.
I believe every path crossed is not of coinsadence but of fait,
God is always on time never early nor late.
I wish you well my friend and pray for you while your away,
Don't forget me and remember what I say,
A friend is true and honest and loyal to the end,
They never break a promise, or judge, on them you can depend.
I won't say goodbye but I'll see you later my friend.
God be with you every day to the end .
Love ,
Kim
Kim Essary Sep 2018
Spider Webb's of depression rain down from these walls.
The scent of musty clothes gathered like a rug on this floor.
Dishes overflow the kitchen sink, wrapped with anxiety just waiting to be clean.
But my mind awaits the title wave to wash all this pain away.
There may or may not have been a time set to tidy, where it went if it's gone I haven't a clue as the bricks of my life are weathered and frail some lay beneath my feet, The wood to rebuild it is too warped for any future so I will lay myself down and sleep it all away, as I've come to conclude what people use to say ,this too shall pass, and so it does to the same way I feel today.
©KimE2018
It overwhelms me sometimes to think I use to be made organization to this caused by depression
Kim Essary Mar 2018
What is this being standing before me in human form, spitting evil words and lashing insults like a leather strap crossing my back . Has it no heart or maybe one made of stone . Manipulating my inosance and tearing me down from the inside out. Has it no heart to bleed with regret or feel no remorse.
Why can't I turn and walk away, does my self rain of ignorance and stand with false hope. Believing that the words I love you and I'm sorry mean something more than the art of placing them together with no meaning at all . Do I escape from this torture or remain for more , when is enough going to be the destruction of my being when I've taken too much.
I stand and ponder to see The Distruction of Myself

©kimmied1105
People take to much for false hope.
Kim Essary Jun 2018
Thirteen long years spent under his thumb. Sixteen years old is when this begun.
I thought I was in love , now I know I should have left after the first shove.
I stayed instead, chalking it up as one too many drinks,. Time went on only getting worse, as I got pregnant with his child.  The control he had over me was more than mild. It was a push and a shove pulling my hair but worse than that was the emotional abuse he just didn't care.
The longer I stayed the worse it got , now there was another life I had to protect.
My story goes on for around 10 more years , another baby  with him and many hidden tears .
Please don't judge others by what you may see because behind those closed doors is a scarred and scorn woman that wants to be free .
Free from the abuse she gets everyday the threats of him taking her life away . The fear of what would happen to her children if he snapped and did what he said, The fear she feels laying beside  a monster in her bed, the fear that her children will grow up to believe that abuse is ok because that's all they see ,
So this is a sickness a disease, to treat any human so inhumane,
I don't look for pitty but hope someone out there reads this and it changes their life.  You see , I am not a Victom but I am a true Survivor of Domestic Violence you may not be as lucky as me if you stay I promise you you don't have to do anything else just get away .  
© kimmied 1105
13 years of emotional and physical abuse I was lucky to make it out alive. If you are going through any of this please know you will survive but he will never change .
Kim Essary Apr 2018
Is it possible to be so caring that your own needs are pushed out of sight.? A battle against the devil throwing boulders every step of the way, finally he must have fallen to rest , giving me the lead to begin the journey promised. A young man imprisoned became a good friend to my son, his story grabbed me by the only strings I have no control of, indeed the strings to my heart. He lost his mother while locked up and the streets was the only roots he knew, but see, this young man was much like my son, a child four days older than my son's was born while he was in.  Never laying his eyes upon her, as his way was faint. My heart broke for him as I planned to see his dream through.
Once the devil layed to rest his release the very next day, God reached down his miracles and I was on my way.  With a borrowed car I drove for six hours to see him to his freedom, then we drove another five to take care of his business, the trip after that full of excitement and fear as in seven more hours this young man would holding his child in his arms.  As I watched with tears rolling a beautiful sight to see, as he looked down into the crib where she lay , his voice shaking , she looks just like me. His shock and excitement every emotion he could feel rained down on this young man as he realized not only was he a grown man but reality of being a dad sat  in. The next morning as I prepared to leave I opened my eyes to the whole purpose of my trip, baby Zoe was latched around the neck of her daddy , loving on  him, not wanting him out of her sight. I tried to fight back my tears but failed , on my drive back home of another seven hours, my body swollen and in pain, I couldn't help but wonder what would have become of him if I had chose to not care about someone I had never met, through the pain of all my travel I have peace in my heart today. I thank you sweet Jesus for all your blessings and the love in my heart but mostly for making a way.   The choice is all in his hands now I pray he sees the good in life and never forgets that if a stranger can make a sacrifice for someone she's never met, then he too can sacrifice for his baby girl and leave his past behind. To start his life over and one day tell his story to someone else that may be needing the same, about the woman he came to call ma and how she joined in with Jesus to make his dream cone true that day.

©kimmied1105
My heart is so peaceful and I give God his grace for making this trip possible and.  Dedicated to Jacob , Tarra baby Zoe and Tarras wonderful mom and aunt for helping make this possible.
Kim Essary May 2018
For so many years I have loved you.  For so many years I have longed to have you back. For so many years I layed dreaming, for so many years I woke up alone. I had too many years to make you exactly how I wanted you to be as I remembered you just the same.
My image of you was of my own perfection, all a fabrication in my brain.  Never stopping to realize the image I molded  of pure perfection would later become the destruction of my own demise. My expectations exceeded far beyond the reality awaiting me . Painting my own heart ache and shattered my every dream.
After so many years you returned to me, it was perfection for a while. As my dreams seemed to be coming true. Until that moment reality took it's toll, my life as I dreamed it spinning out of control.
Now I am faced with the book of my life in a fantasy world that I made myself believe, as things have gotten out of hand and left me to face reality. I find so hard to accept.  For I have no more wishes or wants or dreams left to come true, I used them all up when I spent so many years building this image of you.
Before I turn to the final page of my book, the one that reads, The End, I have to come to terms with myself and accept my own blame. Things may not have gone this way if I hadn't been living in a fantasy world and tried to live a life of pretend.

©kimmied1105
Sometimes it's easy to make something better than it is just remember if it ever becomes the way you made it may not be the way it really is.
Kim Essary Mar 2021
The wind blowing  ever so softly like a whisper in my ear
The aroma of jasmine and honeysuckle  trickling the sent of sweetness through the air
The sun Shining down forcing a  warmth against my face
Calming my body to relax as I take in the earths embrace
The peaceful sound of silence so welcoming as my lids close over my eyes
I surround my thoughts of the singing birds and flapping wings  of the butterfly’s
Must I wake from the state of mind nature has pulled me into
Peace, serenity and beauty, Gods gift for me and you.
Gods beauty is our fmgift
Kim Essary Mar 2018
I always knew I was different , my own breed of human or something else.
Caring for everybody and feeling their pain , knowing their thoughts before spit from their mouth like vinum.
Be it like a curse slithering like the hair of madusa or a blessing like an angel with no wings.
There is but no place my presence exists if in company of another that I have any sense of silence.
Picture this if you will , close your eyes, screams of sadness skorch like the boiler on a hot eye without any water, seeing a vision in your head and wanting to warn someone about something terrible about to happen but the disturbing essence of it is, boxing with God isn't my job so what is there left to do.  
Aw let's drift behind the scenes of the world of spiritual beings rounding your head like a yoyo spinning into tangles of ratted up yarn. Needing your mind to tie loose ends or calm their doom of spiritual waste.
The life of an empathy, always making other's lives of peaceful logic and leaving their own stranded like a kidnapped baby in a forest of thorns with no entrance in and no exit out. This is my life

©kimmied1105
Being an empathy is what God chose me to be so this to be true I am.
Kim Essary Jan 2021
State of shock transitioned into sadness
Emotions like a clown only there was no smiling only silence of my own thoughts acting as if it were a mime.
Within a split second of his voice speaking to me
I was baffled by my own tongue running words right back but never whispering a sound.
Surely he was just , wait no he wasn’t he was and he did and he said
Words I never dreamed to come from my soul mate,  my best friend my love
Now the torture of my burning heart and my spinning head
Knowing with my every thought I will never forget the hateful things he said
Make them go away
All those hateful words
Once they flow from your lips , they are forever here to stay
It’s not the spitting of words it’s the way they taste of poison when you have to swallow them back.
Kim Essary Apr 2018
I loved a poem I read today, the next one not so well, eyes stuck as I kept on reading for hours, one told of love, as the other about hate, another spoke of suicide the next their life was great.
Writing is so powerful, it speaks about our life. Be it good or bad or sad or happy, writing sets you free, freedom to express freedom to speak without being interrupted, freedom to be real or to pretend, writing is simply expressing yourself of how you are or long to be .
© kimmied 1105
Writing is my escape and my reality. Never stop writing
Kim Essary Apr 2020
So it is said  that God gives His greatest battles to His strongest soldiers for He won’t put more on you than you can handle.
Have Faith in Him for when you reach the end of a road He will guide your path and when your life sees only dark He will shine on you the light of a candle
There are some that don’t believe in our Lord and savior only because He isn’t visible to see
So Am I  to believe the blind man whom has no sight Has nothing to believe in for there’s nothing that could be.
‘Tis Faith in which you feel and know that you believe
Without faith that God is real, everlasting life and forgiveness you will not receive
For when your loved one is sick and death is near
Is it not the Lord you Pray to in your time of despair.
In your time of tragedy and discernment you say His name
Yet forget to praise him and worship him just the same.
Our world has become just as our bibles does say.
This Gods Children is the time to find your faith and bow your heads to our Lord and savior and pray
Believe in Him , Pray to him to be your Savior and He Salk repair our lands and heal our sick.
Kim Essary Aug 2018
As every season holds  it's own description, the feeling  that fall gives  is one in it's own kind.
As the night comes upon us in the early days of fall a soft touch of a cool  breeze to clear your mind.
Here in the south a much welcome time of year.
As our nights get longer, days become shorter, we know Fall is near.
The green leaves of summertime almost turning over night.
The morning dew glistens upon the tree tops shining ever so bright.
You can hear the soft beginning of the leaves falling to the ground,
You can listen close as the animals start to play, walking across fallen leaves making a crackling  sound.
This time of year brings so much more than the falling leafs and cool night air.
The sweet aroma of cotton candy and funnel cakes coming from the Fair.
Children laughing and screaming  as  they ride the carnival rides.
Boyfriend's playing games to win their girlfriend a prize.
Its getting colder As the months of fall come to an end .
We say goodbye for now and prepare for Old Man Winter to begin.
Fall is a beautiful time of year with a bit of summer and a nip of winter put together is the way fall makes you feel.
Kim Essary Jul 2018
Standing so close to the edge of this cliff , I can feel the give of the rocks beneath my feet. My heart hurts but shows no fear as it's been torn and tethered for so many years.
My mind plays like a movie running in rewind, so many memories made in oh so little time. Trying to find where things went wrong is like finding a needle amongst the hay. As I pick and plunder with still no luck as there is more abundance of hay and only one needle . It is now apparent that my search is for nothing as with no guarantee even if recovering the needle that I could fix the problem where it lay.  
I look above me for something to grab and pull me to safety should the ledge begin to break but sadly enough like our love I find nothing to hold on to to save me or us as it appears all we have left is the fall to the bottom and hope for survival to dust myself off and start over again.
Just when I brace myself and prepare for the fall I see a bit of hope and pull myself back up just to find myself standing with the rocks giving way on the edge of a fall again.
Can't give up but hurts to stay in. Life is so confusing when you love like I do
Kim Essary May 2020
Family is so much more than the branches bending from a family tree
Blood may relate you but there’s more to a family like love and loyalty
They say blood is thicker than water this may be true
Though I’ve bared witness to blood clotting where water flowed straight through
As blood flows through your vanes it’s color is blue yet when you see it the color is red
I think Ile stick with the water that stays the same instead
I’ve learned in my life that family is what you make it Nd is usually opposite of what it’s supposed to be
Kim Essary Mar 2018
Remembering the time so many years ago
Aunts and Uncles, and their children all drove for miles,
For this I ask myself , as the dinner table amused me
like the
Movement of a Merry go round
Round one round two
Could we carve the **** bird before round three
Not a chance first sisters vs sisters the circus life amusing not so as our holiday cheer. It's never enough joined their husbands like freaks a muse  from a mime show couldn't rain so clear. At last the children joined in a rustle a bustle round and round we go
Can someone stop this ride I scream this family is a joke
Next year I'm begging you to miss the turn to this circus mochary get your kids and don't forget the dog see your way to the door
Aw the circus life is a freak show Everytime our family gets together
Don't send an invitation nor will I just remember in order to ride this ride you must be so tall take a seat , keep your hands and your feet inside the ride at all times because if your family is your foa distinguished such as mine hold on tight it's gonna be a ride to remember oh one hell of a ride
Choice I chose now grown to not attend family gatherings I can't take the amusement
Next page