begin end begin he writes come to party in my room ashtray spilled on sheets mirror smeared clothes scattered everywhere i’m reclining on floor pulling on ***** hair writing lonely-hearts poem i don’t care about your photograph i just want to know will you come to party in my room? i have confidences to share secrets to reveal no one to give my body to i need to feel warmth of another there is food if you are hungry i’ll just watch listen to you will come won’t you? please this is no prank are you there? i just wanted to invite you to party you’re my only guest i need you i sound desperate you want to know how long i’ve been this way kind of let myself go grown used to this room that keeps my secret used to sleeping alone in big double bed i think i shall go take hot bath don’t come another night perhaps i can do it quite well myself thank you you probably would have felt out of place anyway - london 1971

nothing wrong with beating off but i prefer female sometimes pretty thing replies Odys you have a way with words actually he prefers woman all times tends to be too impatient rough handling himself needs woman’s gentler slower adoring touch

i wouldn’t mind wife if she is simply **** in residence leaning against doorway posing between me and kitchen he considers let’s get cruel in cruelty one finally realizes one’s own true self-interest who am i? am i cruel enough to be sick-hearted *******? am i capable of oppression torture? do i honestly desire *** slave? do i believe all hope of becoming normal human is gone? he hears her words i have cuffs crop leg spreader flogger hood paddle cane like swelling bruises on my *** never touch my face arms legs i like to be spit on while you pull hair i like servicing man who takes pleasure in giving brutal intense pain *** on my face **** **** on me i'm looking for white muscular egotistic man who is into sadomasochism i enjoy abuse part just as much as *** part is he lightweight no stomach for collared sadism? He mumbles to himself bottom line i respect love women this existence is killing me ignores his thoughts sings aloud we’re used to being rude to each other used to getting crude with each other come on now pretty thing sit next to me

female fantasy number 1 man’s ******* is like handle on slot machine if woman pulls it right way 3 cherries line up in his eyes ***** jingle ring money shoots out ***-hole female fantasy number 2 science invents way in which more money woman spends shopping more weight she can lose

i imagined you were plateful of pancakes you giggled when i poured syrup on your face i smiled pondering how lovely you would taste we sat for a while gazing into each other’s eyes until you got cold rubbery i didn’t want to eat you anymore

maybe he is not so charming anymore maybe Odysseus has become blunt  difficult he tries to be respectful but sometimes he is excessive self-willed time place names have lost any mearing during lively discussion with pretty thing creativity versus craft he confronts original invention requires destruction surely you realize that? pretty thing replies Odys i didn’t realize you were so dominant you seem so playful puppy-like in daytime i never would have guessed you’re such a chauvinistic ******* he questions chauvinistic ******* what’s that suppose to mean? i don’t know what you’re talking about she answers don’t play dumb Odys i know you’re smart at semiotics he asks semiotics what does that mean? I don’t know the word listen you’re right and i’m wrong i apologize i didn’t mean to get so argumentative he reaches for dictionary on floor next to chair pretty thing crosses legs speaks i’m very careful to use simple words everyone can understand but i’m just sign painter isn’t that right Odys? what would i know? he pleads you’re not making any sense we both use brushes paint similar techniques that’s beside the point i apologize she insists you’re way off the subject Odys he begs you’re right i’m wrong whatever i said made you get so upset please forgive me her voice cold terse i need to go home Odys you scare me you’re way too fanatic

thinks to himself promise her anything but give her the finger just when she’s finally starting to fall for whole scam give her the slip 6 to 12 weeks is average life expectancy for modern romance it’s fast world we’re all expendable can’t hear what you’re saying music is too loud rule number 1 no matter how beautiful she is there’s always someone who’s sick of her rule number 2 why would you even be talking with her if she didn’t have *****? rule number 3 they’re all ******* ******! he tries to recall if Bayli ever behaved like ***** he concludes no never did she become one?

in restless sleep he dreams someone tells him Bayli is working at ******* bar he goes to see her Bayli looks young beautiful wearing thong nothing else many men are pursuing her he excitedly approaches but she seems to only vaguely recognize him she questions do i know you? he answers Bayli it’s me Odys! she answers my name is not Bayli Odys who? where do you know me from?” he pleads Bayli, look at me Bayli smiles hesitantly as she looks around for support points finger towards Odysseus 2 bouncers approach shove him against wall force him outside bouncer barks her name is not Bayli now get hell out of here you freaking loser! they go back inside slamming door as he walks away neighborhood kids throw apples at him wakes up confused sad from dream

he vows i don’t need love love is for those too lame to stand alone bear solitude self-avowal love is sign of weakness compliance control love is contract made between two people too spineless to take pleasure in own freedom love is way to take advantage exploit love is convenience pact for mutual security love is cumbersome weight tied around athlete’s neck love is suffering love is a lie illusion cover-up for everyone’s petty lame problems

1984 chicago suffers harsh winter furious winds blow across lakefront Mom and Dad take Odysseus to dinner at posh new restaurant in art galleries district on the way Mom and Dad argue about parking Mom wants to leave car with valet Dad insists they first look for space Mom gets annoyed the wind will ruin my hair drop me and Odys off at door then do what you want Dad says you’re going to miss me when i’m gone Mom snaps we’ll see when are you planning on leaving? Dad wears navy blue blazer white shirt burgundy foulard silk tie he is in good spirits winning personality keeps table lively Mom wears beige cashmere turtleneck darker beige wool skirt brown alligator high heels gold earrings she waves then greets roths weissmans who are led by young hostess they walk past table make brief polite conversation after several rounds of drinks Dad speaks you know, it’s about time Odys are you dating anyone in particular? Odysseus hesitates confesses he has had ****** relations with hundreds of girls his knees begin to shake under table he admits maybe I’m incapable of sustaining intimate relationship with one woman i’m conflicted blocking all these feelings inside never learned how to love can’t hold on to anything all i know how is **** and run Mom interjects don’t use that word! she suggests he travel get some fresh ideas Dad becomes irritated lights cigarette waives to waiter orders another Absolute on the rocks bursts out what the hell do you mean you never learned to love you grew up in a house of love *******! didn’t you learn anything? are you purposely trying to ruin dinner? you watch your step mister or i’ll whack you right here at the table! you make me sick with all your excuses one of these days you’re going to wake up Odys and I hope it’s not too late Mom immediately glances at roth’s weissman’s table then glares sharply at Dad she snaps Max lower your voice! people can hear you we’re in a restaurant can we please change the subject? she instantly regains composure continues i spoke with your sister Penelope today and she let me know she might be landing a new account she’s being wined and dined this evening by c.e.o. of prominent san francisco agency later waiter clears entrees asks if anyone wants after-dinner drink dessert Mom orders coffee apple pie with scoop of vanilla ice cream Dad orders coffee Mom asks what do you wish for in your life Odys? who do you want to be? he exhales long breath answers i used to dream of becoming renown painter but now i’m not sure sad to say don’t know what i want sometimes i think of priesthood but i’ve done too much sinning Dad grows irate who puts these ideas into your head? you ******* ungrateful kid! what the hell is matter with you? Mom interrupts Max don’t lose your temper we’re in a restaurant she glances at roth’s weissman’s table nods with big smile on face Odysseus feels entangled in web of desires deceptions debts he vacillates from one aspiration to next grown comfortable in his failures distrust

I’m literally sitting here. Literally. I’m figuratively doing nothing. This time allows me to think. Contemplate; the future of this mess we call adolescence. You look at the clock. Tick tock…kids stepping over my feet, as I literally sit here. Figuratively doing nothing. I’m breathing. Writing. Forming a collection of words in this memo. They don’t fit together, realistically. I would go for a smoke, but I have no cigarettes. I am a sixteen year old, who is too awkward too phone her boyfriend’s home phone, and too awkward just to pop round. I have to see miss in an hour, there’s a kid who’s sad and I have to talk to him.
   Apparently I am confident. I’m not. I just listen to powerful music which makes me feel like I can be a queen. That’s the idea. To feel comfortable you need to not care, and look after yourself. You are queen, you care for your subjects. You rule with fair point. You go out and buy yourself a crown, or shoplift one. I don’t know, just whatever makes you feel like the main *****. Find what you like about yourself and spark it. Make what you like stand out. Find the things you dislike about yourself and show it off. I don’t like my **** but hey, just shake it a bit and it’s like simple twerking. I have thunder thighs which consist of a fair amount of muscle; I have perfected the **** drop. I have become stronger because of what I put myself through. I am the only one who can hear my thoughts. So if at first you’re thinking ‘******* I’m terrified, what if I look like a ****’ fake it.

After acting like this powerful alter ego you can become her. She takes over at times. I can switch between quiet, shy Sophia; into the proud, queen ***** Patricia. Patricia the stripper. I admit this is my alter ego. She wears red lipstick, a leopard coat and thigh highs. She owns a tiara and blows bubbles in her gum. She struts to punk music and breaths arctic monkeys. She dances to jack white, ***** wiggles and all. She sings Kate Nash and the kooks, because she needs to keep her showgirl ship with class and talent as well as outright hot radiation. She has no idea what she is doing, as long as everyone is happy and entertained; she is satisfied with her life. She loves everyone because they all contain a characteristic she adores.

I also have another alter ego who has no name. This is the first time I’m referring to her as her own alter ego. She’s like a ****** of crows. An unkind of ravens. She wears dangerously applied dark makeup. She always wears full black. She’s pretty much a Goth who thrives on shock, horror and Edgar Allen Poe. Her favorite author is Stephan king and she has murderous thoughts. She pouts. She is, oh so pouty; with darkened lips of a cherry flavor. She makes sassy comments which sometimes come out as unintended bitchiness. She scares people, but they call her cool. She’s a bass player, with a strong stance and a black bra and thong set. She smokes like a chimney. She has ash-ened dark lungs like her mind. She’s my biting ***** ego. She hates anything that’s negative in the human spectrum of life. Ironic. She can’t stand hate but embodies it. She smiles at kids playing or people busking. Under the black shell intended to scared, she has the interior of a marshmallow. Fluffy hair, pastel teddy choker, and a love for giggling. She smells or strawberries, cherries and bubble-gum. She is actually really happy; this drives people mad as they can’t label her…neither can I, unless this pinkie paradise is one of her own. Like all my egos…she is happy.

Ah, doth swayeth the grass around the heavily-watered grounds, and even lilies are even busy in their pondering thoughts. Dim poetry is lighting up my insides, but still-canst not I, proceed on to my poetic writings, for I am committed to my dear dissertation-shamefully! Cannot even I enjoy watery sweets in front of my decent romantic candlelight-o, how destructible this serious nexus is!

Ah, and the temperatures' slender fits are but a new sensation to this melancholy surroundings. How my souls desire to be liberated-from this arduous work, and be staggered into the bifurcating melodies of the winds. O, but again-these final words are somehow required, how blatantly ungenerous! What a fine doomed environment the greenery out there hath duly changed into. White-dark stretches of tremor loom over every bald bush's horizon. O-what a dreadful, dreadful pic of sovereign menace! Not at all lyrical; much less gorgeous! Even the ultimate touches of serendipity have been broomed out of their localised regions. Broomed forcibly; that their weight and multitudes of collars whitened-and their innocent stomachs pulled systematically out. Ah, how dire-dire-dire; how perseveringly unbearable! A dawn at dusk, then-is a normal occurence and thus needeth t' be solitarily accepted. No more grains of sensitivity are left bare. Not even one-oh, no more! A tumultous slumber hinders everything, with a sense of original perplexity t'at haunts, and harms any of it t'at dares to pass by. O, what a disgrace t'at is secretly housed by t'is febrile nature! And o, t'is what happeneth when poets are left onto t'eir unstable hills of talents, with such a wild lagoon of inspirations about! Roam, roam as we doth-along the parked cars, all unread-and dolefully left untouched, like a moonlit baby straightening his face on top of the earth's liar *****. Ah, I knoweth t'is misery. A misery t'at is not only textual, but also virginal; but what I comprehendeth not is the unfairness of the preceding remark itself-if all miseries were crudely virginal, then wouldst it be unworthy of perceiving some others as personal? O, how t'is new confusion puzzles me, and vexes me all too badly! Beads of sweat are beginning to form on my humorous palms, with lines unabashed-and pictorial aggressions too unforgiving too resist. Ah, quiver doth I-as I am, now! O, thee-oh, mindful joyfulness and delight, descend once more onto me-and maketh my work once again thine-ah, and thy only, own vengeful blossom! And breathe onto my minds thy very own terrific seizure; maketh all the luring bright days no more an impediment and a cure; to every lavish thought clear-but hungrily unsure! Ah, as I knoweth it wouldst work-for thy seizure on my hand is gentle, ratifying, and safely classical. How I loveth thy little grasps-and shall always do! Like a moonlight, which had been carried along the stars' compulsive backs-until it truly screamed, while the bountiful morning retreated, and mounted its back. Mounted its back so that it could not see. Invasive are the stars-as thou knoweth, adorned with elaborations t'at humanity, and even the sincerest of gravities shall turn out. Ah, so 'tis how the moon's poor sailing soul is-like a chirping bird-trembled along the snowy night, but knocked back onto abysmal conclusions, soon as sunshine startled him and brought him back anew, to the pale hordes of mischievous, shadowy roses. Ah, all these routines are similar-but unsure, like thoughts circling-within a paper so impure. And when tragic love is bound, like the one I am having with 'im; everything shall crawl-and seem dearer than they seem; for nothing canst bind a heart which falls in love, until it darkeneth the rosiness of its own cheeks, and destroys its own kiss. Like how he hath impaired my heart; but I shall be a stone once more; abysses of my deliciously destroyed sapphire shall revive within the glades of my hand; and my massive tremors shall ever be concluded. O, love, o notion that I may not hate; bestow on my thy aberrant power-and free my tormented soul-o, my poor tormented soul, from the possible eternal slumber without tasting such a joy of thine once more! I am now trapped within a triangle I hated; I am no more of my precious self-my sublimity hath gone; hath attempted at disentangling himself so piercingly from me. I am no more terrific; I smell not like my own virginity-and much less, an ideal lady-t'at everyone shall so hysterically shout at, and pray for, ah, I hath been disinherited by the world.

Ah, shall I be a matter to your tasty thoughts, my love? For to thee I might hath been tentative, and not at all compulsory; I hath been disowned even, by my own poetry; my varied fate hath ignored and strayed me about. Ah, love, which danger shall I hate-and avoid? But should I, should I diverge from t'is homogeneous edge I so dreamily preached about? And canst thou but lecture me once more-on the distinctness between love and hate-in the foregoing-and the sometimes illusory truth of our inimical future? And for the love of this foreignness didst I revert to my first dreaded poetry-for the sake of t'is first sweetly-honeyed world. For the time being, it is perhaps unrighteous to think of thee; thou who firstly wert so sweet; thou who wert but too persuasive-and too magnanimous for every maiden's heart to bear. Thou who shone on me like an eternal fire-ah, sweet, but doth thou remember not-t'at thou art thyself immortal? Thou art but a disaster to any living creature-who has flesh and breath; for they diverge from life when time comes, and be defiled like a rusty old parish over one fretful stormy night. Ah, and here I present another confusion; should I reject my own faith therefrom? Ah, like the reader hath perhaps recognised, I am not an interactive poet; for I am egotistic and self-isolating. Ah, yet-I demand, sometimes, their possibly harshest criticism; to be fit into my undeniable authenticity and my other private authorial conventions. I admireth myself in my writing as much as I resolutely admireth thee; but shall we come, ever, into terms? Ah, thee, whose eyes are too crucial for my consciousness to look at. Ah, and yet-thou hath caused me simply far-too-adequate mounds of distress; their power tower over me, standing as a cold barrier between me and my own immaculate reality of discourse. Too much distress is, as the reader canst see, in my verse right now-and none is sufficiently consoling-all are unsweet, like a taste of scalding water and a tree of curses. Yes, that thou ought to believe just yet-t'at trees are bound to curses. Yester' I sheltered myself, under some bits of splitting clouds-and t'eir due mourning sways of rain, beneath a solid tree. With leaves giggling and roots unbecoming underneath-ah, t'eir shrieks were too selfish; ah, all terrible, and contained no positive merit at all-t'at they all became too vague and failed at t'eir venerable task of disorganising, and at the same time-stunning me. Ah, but t'eir yelling and gasping and choking were simply too ferociously disoriented, what a shame! Their art was too brutal, odd, and too thoroughly equanimious-and wouldst I have stood not t'ere for the entire three minutes or so-had such perks of abrupt thoughts of thee streamed onto my mind, and lightened up all the burdening whirls of mockery about me in just one second. O, so-but again, the sound melodies of rain were of a radical comfort to my ears-and t'at was the actual moment, when I realised t'at I truly loved him-and until today, the real horror in my heart saith t'at it is still him t'at I purely love-and shall always do. Though I may be no more of a pretty glimpse at the heart of his mirror, 'tis still his imagery I keepeth running into; and his vital reality. Ah, how with light steps I ran to him yester' morning; and caught him about his vigorous steps! All seemed ethereal, but the truthful width of the sun was still t'ere-and so was the lake's sparkling water; so benevolently encompassing us as we walked together onto our separated realms. And passing the cars, as we did, all t'at I absorbed and felt so neatly within my heart was the intuitive course; and the unavoidable beauty of falling in love. Ah, miracles, miracles, shalt thou ever cease to exist? Ah, bring but my Immortal back to me-as if I am still like I was back then, and of hating him before I am not guilty; make him mine now-even for just one night; make him hold my hands, and I shall free him from all his present melancholy and insipid trepidations. Ah, miracles; I doth love my Immortal more t'an I am permitted to do; and so if thou doth not-please doth trouble me once more; and grant, grant him to me-and clarify t'is tale of unbreathed love prettily, like never before.

As I have related above I may not be sufficient; I may not be fair-from a dark world doth I come, full not of royalty-but ambiguity, severed esteem, and gales-and gales, of unholy confidentiality. And 'tis He only, in His divine throne-t'at is worthy of every phrased gratitude, and thankful laughter; so t'is piece is just-though not artificial, a genuine reflection of what I feelest inside, about my yet unblessed love, and my doubtful pious feelings right now-and about which I am rather confused. Still, I am to be generous, and not to be by any chance, too brimming or hopeful; but I shall not be bashful about confessing t'is proposition of love-t'at I should hath realised from a good long time ago. Ah, I was but too arrogant within my pride-and even in my confessions of humility; I was too charmed by myself to revert to my extraordinary feelings. Ah, but again-thou art immortal, my love; so I should be afraid not-of ceasing to love thee; and as every brand-new day breathes life into its wheels-and is stirred to the living-once more, I know t'at the swells of nature; including all the crystallised shapes of th' universe-and the' faithful gardens of heaven, as well as all the aurochs, angels, and divinity above-and the skies' and oceans' satirical-but precious nymphs, are watching us, and shall forgive and purify us; I know t'at this is the sake of eternity we are fighting for. And for the first time in my life-I shall like to confess this bravely, selfishly, and publicly; so that wherever thou art-and I shall be, thou wilt know-and in the utmost certainty thou canst but shyly obtain, know with thy most honest sincerity; t'at I hath always loved thee, and shall forever love thee like this, Immortal.

He was looking at me
But I was looking at the waiter
He finally lose me
He was so egotistic
His ego got in between us
It sawed right in half of our bonded heart
Last night I left him
Last night I left him in the dark

It's raining. Hard. Real Hard. In this train full of people. Some were sleeping, some were standing. While I was sitting on my own with my earphones on. It's raining. And I am thinking of what it takes to be a hero.

What is a hero? Have I ever met a hero of my own?

My idea has always been someone who would die for a country, or someone who would sacrifice for someone else. But does it really require dying and sacrificing? What about those who are still alive and living? Ah! The soldiers, indeed they are.

I know of a different and unique soldier. Whom I met up close on the 3rd of June 2017. He was young and beautiful, a little naive, and so were his dreams. He's a soldier for he's battling with his very own self in search of his own life's purpose, of his own self-worth, and of his own love. I believe that his battle is still on, but what makes him the soldier that he truly is, is by the little yet significant things he does for someone else.

My soldier is such a nice and gentle man. He is hardworking, persevering, and well determined to pursue his passions.  He always think of the safety of others and of how can he be of any help for them. And he would really get out of his way just to help you. Like accompanying somebody to the hospital just because she has a sick grandfather and is carrying a big ecobag full of adult diapers and underpads. Staying with someone inside the van because it's raining and he just can't allow that someone to lurk alone in the dark and to get wet by the rain.

He's the type who would text you all day to know of your whereabouts so he can wait for you to give you a free ride on your way home, everyday. And if he didn't get to ride you home, he'll stay up all night texting you to make sure that you arrived safe and sound, and only then he could sleep.

He will steal glances at you when you're not looking, and smile away if you ever caught him. He will annoy you and tease you until your stomach hurts while laughing and until you lovingly pinch him, and he will lovingly pull your hand for him to hold to make you feel loved. He will wrap his arms around your waist to pull you close so he can embrace you to make you feel like you are some kind of wonderful. And he will look at you as if you are the only person he sees at the moment.

He's the person to go to after a long tiring day to rant about how your egotistic workmate ruined your day, and he will calm you and tell you to just let it pass and think of him instead because he knows he can make you smile by the very thought of him. He's the person you can share your messy thoughts and whirlwind growing up story with, yet he still thinks you are an amazing woman and will never judge you. And he'll be your best friend. He'll even bring you himself to the hospital should you have your sudden asthma attack, and he'll be worried of you whenever you're sick and ill.

He will share his dreams with you, and he will need you to support and encourage him to go get them and to live his life to the fullest. And he will thank you for it and will send you plenty of kiss and monkey emojis and your favorite heart symbol to let you know that he appreciates you and will encourage you to do the same with your life. He will tell you how much he loves to eat chocolate bread alongside his meal and he will invite you for dinner because he wants to eat it with you and because he knows that you are hungry.

He will pout on you if he knew you've had more than 2 cups of coffee in a day and if you ever got yourself wet by the rain. He's jealous if you try to mention some other guy but will try his best to hide how he feels. That's him, he's not much of a talker but you know that his heart and actions speak otherwise.

He could be your partner-in-crime should you have the lazy urge to get a leave from work, or if you want to have some roundtrip joyride just because you don’t want to go home yet. He will tickle you from time to time, and will kiss you if he has the chance to. He will pick you up at 5am, then he'll make love to you all morning as he tells you that you are some **** and beautiful woman, then you'll have lunch together, and finish your extraordinary day watching movie at a cinema in a newly opened mall as you two try to bully that hardworking janitor mopping the floor.

He's a hundred fold stubborn, ironic, silly, childlike, selfish, foolish and impulsive at times. But you will love him even more because of them. And you are lucky enough that you were able to get to see those traits that makes him the imperfect yet the real man that he is. He will never ask you to wait for him, but because you are more stubborn than he is, you will still wait anyway. And he'll teach you what it's like to love somebody unconditionally because he will attempt to leave you and to bid you goodbye for several times, and you still want him, and love him anyway. He will give you the feels that you haven't felt for a long time. He will make you feel alive, more alive than ever before. He'll give you a sanctuary in his arms, and he'll be your peace and you know you don't have to ask for anything and for anyone else. And you will never want to loose him ever.

He will help you appreciate all the good things in life, every great thing there is, and you'll see that everything happens for a reason and that every thing is a blessing. You will experience what Carpe Diem means. He will complete your day in a way that no one else ever has. He will deepen your faith because you will end up staring at him while praying to The Lord, crying, thanking Him for bringing this man to your life and that He may never take him away from you and that He'll grant you a lifetime to spend together with. Because with him, everything just feel so right sooo **** right like all the stars out there and destiny itself are bringing you closer to each other and nothing could separate you apart and that together, nothing seems impossible.

This soldier will do everything to make you happy, and to see that smile on your face. He will never want to see you sad and even more to see you cry. But just like any other soldier, there's always a sacrifice that he had to make; and that is he will break your heart to let go of you and set you free because he thinks that you don't deserve him... Because he doesn't have the courage to tell you that he loves you, and he thinks that that's the way he can prove that he really do loves you.. That he'd rather be your friend, and you'd rather be his friend.

And that's the soldier whom I loved and adored so dearly. Yes, I have found one. He is the hero of my own. And because I love him, I have no other choice but to accept and live every day that I can only be his friend. But being his friend doesn't mean that I would stop loving him. For he just gave me a new beginning. The beginning of loving him from afar. The beginning of resting my faith with fate and of trusting the power of true love.

To love such hero has been one of the best privilege I could ever have my entire life. And I am always so proud of him. And the hardest part of loving my hero is to reciprocate the sacrifice he made for me, to let go..

It's not going to be easy, it will never be. For I will have to face my every day alone with a broken heart, longing for his presence. Because he was the hero who has made my heart whole again, and so he's the one who can tear it up again. But if it will make him happy, then maybe he's better off without me because I will never be enough. How can a hero possibly deserve some woman like me who just happened to love him in such unrequited way. Just some woman who made him her world. Just some woman whose own battle is to fight for his love.

But to me, my life will never be the same again because he will always be, my love, my friend, my soldier, and MY HERO. And I would still choose to be with him on both good and bad times all over again. I would still choose to have my heart broken by him if it's the only way for us to fall in love again. And I would fall in love with him all over and over again all the days of his life with every ounce of love left in me. And I will always love him and wait for the day that he shall finally win his battle that he doesn't have to search anymore, because (hopefully) he knew he had found him, he had found me, and he had found us. And we shall win every battle yet to come, together.

And so you see? A hero doesn't have to die to become one. Sometimes, he just needs to love. You just need to love him irrevocably in order to bring out the best out of the soldier in him.

The exploration of womanhood,
viewed by a child, who had failed to birth an heir
and was auctioned amidst a war,
to lay beside the man who Lyrnessus heard before it saw,
and felt, before they felt nothing at all.

Plucked from childhood to motherhood,
failed motherhood, into obedience and slavery,
despised by her husband's mother for the absence of life she yearned to grow.
Then veiled in a soft pearlescent,
that blurred, but did not hide, the reason she survived,
and her brothers and husband did not.

Her barren belly proved a blessing when the girls in tents sprouted kleos from their swollen stomachs,
to carry the son of foreigners, bloodthirsty for their native home.
These girls, they are just girls, brainwashed by glory and trauma,
carry children that will slaughter their brothers of blood,
in the name of a woman seen only as a measurement of egotistic revenge.

And what of Briseis?
Aristos Achaion, they cried.
To them, he will always be: the best of the Greeks,
even after Apollo favours the hand of Paris and forges fate to impale the accidental hamartia.
What is her legacy?

Aristos Achaion, they cry.
As the boy who carries his blood rises from the fire and carries forward after his father's body hit the ground.

Rock: Ridgid and tough
Wood: Natural, eventual decay
Glass: Fragile and transparent/colorful
Paper: Lightweight and flexible, yet tears easily

Copper: Less expensive, down-to-earth
Silver: Shiny, allergic to my skin
Gold: Self absorbed, obsessed
Platinum: Tending to try for perfections or egotistic, ADHD or OCD

Air: Invisible and wayward, nomadic
Water: Flowing and graceful
Fire: Warmth and passion
Earth: Round and supple

All  Blatant Critics Depicting Egotistic Fishing Gimmicks Hissing Ignorant Jipping Kissing Lying Missing ****** Obviously Picturing Realist Sickest Technician Utilizing Visions Witness Xenogenic Zeal
Adjectives Build Courage Determined Earning Faith Giving Hidden Illiterate Jilted Kindred Living Mission Nitwit Oblivion Picking Resentments Sickening Tension Ultimately Vigilance Xray in Zillion

I love you like I love fish
I catch it in the open ocean
Bring it to kitchen
And cook it with such devotion
Then eat it with pleasure with no end

Though it sounds wrong to love fish
By killing it
By boiling it
putting seasoning on it
And swallow bit of pieces of it

So, I can't say I love you like I love fish
"I love eating fish" would be better to say
Though I realize its egotistic
That I indulge myself eating fish everyday
What about the fish that I picked?

The fish that I picked have feelings too
Did I ever asked for its feelings?
I need to feel the fish
feel the fins that clings
And try to fulfill its wish

Blub blub it says
Blub blub it cries
Blub blub I reply
Blub blub till the morning rise
Blub blub don't know why

It came to a point
where I don't know what to do
To The fish I'm holding
What should I do
To the fish I'm not eating?

I will tell you
We shared an amazing moment
On the open, sea the fish and I
On this ship event
Saw eye to eye

The eye that stared back
Never once blink
Tears filled in my eyes
And there's no more time to think
The calm weather cries

I put the fish back to the ocean
Its body waddled about
I slowly looked away
And tried not to look back without a doubt
It was a very emotional day.

I think that I might've been wrong this whole time
and that all my life's been an endless road of false imagery
about myself and the ones surrounding me.

Everyone's sayin' these days:
"just do your thing!"
"be more egotistic!"
"risk it!"
"live a little!"
"give less ***** about what others think!"
"you're on your own!"
"don't get involved in other's lives, as they don't get involved in yours"
and I seem more and more confused,
not getting any of the words they're sayin';
feeling silly all of a sudden...
like I imagine some people in those pictures
or videos where they put a black box over someone's eyes.

I feel like I've been livin' as a small,
odorless flower in a big garden,
all a long waiting for the right gardener
to thin out the seedlings around me and now
I've ended up alone in the most beautiful vase,
in the house of the most gifted perfume creator,
that normally feels every bird ****,
but now feels nothing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zGRQsYZE7U

Jacob Ekirapa! who killed you?
Your body was found puddled,
In blood that oozed out behind your head,
In your car you slept humble as in life,
Gorged in a trench downslope Kanduyi,
You were smiling in death as you ever did in life
Mindless to the murderer’s lethal object that crushed
Your head from the nape, an early a shot to the realm of deads,

Your Life in Lodwar City was Godly and peaceful
Serving God via varsity teaching as service to mankind
You quarreled not but you ever oozed intellect,
The Turkana chicken that roosted in your hearth you never
Went foxy to un-feather, deep in purity, a godly conscience,
As colleagues and friends were on a pageant of amorous mighty,
In a rampage, chasing women, money and Tusker at costs possible
Within the range of snobbish freedom that Lodwar-heat allowed,
Then you beautifully pitched and harvested a job at home,

Only to work at home with vintage discipline,
Serving the County people, Bungoma of your birth,
Least in your ken that the owl is ogling at you
With the certain lust of death, it killed you whole-meal
As if it has never killed, as if it has never killed, as if...
Killing you was the apex of glory for those that fear a spark
Of talent, discipline, brilliance, ****** hygiene, generosity and
Technical competence in the nerves of a youth which you evinced,

Jacocb Ekirapa! Who killed you?  was it a man or a woman?
Did the Bukusu people **** you because you are son of a Teso?
Or the a Teso killed because you had a job and then becoming rich?
The accident theory was a smoke-screen, to throw us off-sleuth
You killer hides behind a stage managed crush of your new car,
God could have allowed dialogue between the dead and the living
For you to tell me the man who killed you, why he killed you and how,
You are a friend that death robbed me, leaving me in a lurch of full despair,
In this world that is full of gossipers, sadists, bigots, wrys, sardonics, waifs, saddos,
Thieves, stooges, copy-cats, tribalists, self-congratulators, killers, egotistic egoists,
Making me now a neurotic listologist, but all in all, your death hit me hard below my belt,
Like the lunch treat of full Tilapia and Ugali you often did to me in the Oasis of Lodwar town,

Life on earth is a precursor of death, and death a harbinger of eternity
An obvious quoith for the arrow of your soul, truly, amid the 24 elders of heaven,
An obvious station of your un-blemished soul, Godly defiance to the folly of your killers,
Stupid, imbecile, idiotic, buffoonish black Africans that killed you, their own Sun, educated son
They **** a milch-cow that saves them from kwashiorkor, marasmus and poverty, a black man is comfortable in despair of poverty where voodoo looms, but not in a clime where young-men are schooled, clean, educated, employed and rich-a promise of tomorrow,
They killed you but forgive them, they also killed Ken Saro Wiwa, Stephen Adongosi, Steve Biko, Martin Luther King, Jacob Juma, John Kituyi, Meshack Yebeyi, Dr. Masinde of Kanduyi-thence, they are like that, they **** their own solutions only to fall back into mire of poverty-these black idiots,

Misconception. Misconstrued. Misdirected. Misinformed.
I may be mistaken, but I won’t miss you.
I. Don’t. Understand.
I’m not playing your little game of cat and mouse.
Go find a rat to infect with your false charm and winsome character.
My IQ may not be 130 but I know a thing or two.
And I’m not likening the likes of you.
You are in hiding; don’t deny it … I know you are.
I can see it behind your eyes.
There are doors and bolts and locks galore.
You often change them when you don’t want to feel anymore.
Maybe it hurts you to feel. Anything?
I’m not sure, not sure of anything now that I know that every lie you make could be as easy  as the breathes you take.
Your lips may say happy but your eyes reveal who you really are: dead, weak and false.
You know far too much to tell, yet your lips stay sealed, as if magically sustained of repeating information, well about you anyway.
You never want to talk about yourself.
Egotistic ?
You ?
NEVER.  
Yet you speak non of it.
I can feel it radiating of your skin
Your pride.
It’s quite maddening.

Poets are liars.
We are never honest and even if we seem to be honest and raw,
We are not.
We are selfish and egotistic and make ourselves out to be victims.
We only write about what hurts us.
We write about our pain and suffering.
On top of that, we blame it on the lovers after lovers that have gone wrong.
You've already read it a thousand times,
The story of a how a person broke our hearts and tricked our innocent minds.
However, what we never write about is the hearts we break and the pain we cause.
I am not as innocent as I've made myself seem in my poems.
Yes, I fall in love with fools and they break my heart every time,
But sometimes I wonder if it’s just what I deserve.

Let me tell you about this girl,
There’s been a girl willing to set herself on fire for me but I handed her the matches and left…
I never saw the beauty of her flame burning for me.
I’m cold now without anyone to warm me.

Oh God, there was this girl who I let starve because I thought she had already ate too much.
I didn't want to be another bittersweet revenge on her plate…
Only to find out that she was honestly hungry for the love she thought I could give her.
I've read her cooking books,
She makes sweets for an honest guy now.
And now I’m the one who’s hungry.

And oh, there was a girl with a broken heart but with strong mind that wanted to touch me.
I thought I was too opulent for her ***** soul.
Later on I found out she had mines of gold and diamonds running through her thoughts.

I've hurt a lot of people.
I've hurt them the way this girl is hurting me.
And now I am screaming for forgiveness.
I've been so ruthless with their good hearts.
I am down on my knees begging the ghosts to stop haunting me every time I try again.

I’m a liar.

Why do we want to be read?
Is it just to feed our egotistic
fame obsessed mind?
To engorge and devour
positive criticism
like lustful hormonal
teenage boys
******* and whacking off
to every semi naked female?

Or is it to share?
To hope that somewhere
out there,
that there is someone that feels
the same way you feel.
That there is someone that sees
the same way you see.
and there is someone out there
that knows what your going through.

Because in the time that I've been alive,
I've noticed
For a planet with 7 billion people on it
it's really easy to feel alone.

I've learned
That if someone can hear you
it doesn't really mean he's listening
that if someone can see you
it doesn't really mean he knows you're there
that if someone can touch you
it doesn't really mean he feels you.

I've learned that whether
it be inches or miles
distance is distance.
It's all the same without effort.
And it'd be the same with.

I've learned that even if it's summer
even scorching hot
and the heat is making you sweat buckets.
It's all too easy to feel cold.

so for whatever reason
you're reading this
or writing this
or listening to this.
Keeping reading
keep writing
keep listening
keep looking.
Cause you'll find someone
Someone that can see with you
be with you
feel with you
and exist with you.

I loved you...I really loved you.
But that "D" at the end of the word love,
is liberation.
Past tense freedom, from feeling dumb,
and tense and tired,
and numb and dense ,
uninspired love needed that "D", for proper punctuation.

Ending a love that faded,
with too many tries, wasted time, and de ja vu goodbyes.
It’s not just you I leave behind, it's the person that I was when we met.
Two of us, two years in,
in two years, we both grew, into fears
and far from respect.
That "D" at the end of the word love,
means love is possible again, just not with you.
And unlike just being friends,
or sticking with it until the end, of time,
I’m, being realistic, and finding truth.

Who made who so sadistic?
Angry and twisted, just 2 misfits throwing ***** fits.
Is true love truly so egotistic?
Asking a biased source, so of course it is, kid.
Passion ran it’s course, now my pain is specific.
A lack of reciprocation, mixed with a growing distance.
Because as I grew, I grew farther from you,
as I tried so hard to stay close,
in hopes, that if properly approached,
I can fix us both.
But I may have just been fixing something that wasn’t broke.

With time, you stole parts of my heart, soul, and mind that can never be returned.
A third of my heart is left inside lessons learned, so the next 3 words that come out of my mouth,
are “I loved you”.
And that "D" at the end of love,
is the only way that I can rise above, what we are, and call it was, cause it’s history.
And if I don’t learn from it, I’m doomed to repeat it.
In tune with what I need, in need to seek out me, and lose the we.
It’s true that I loved you, but the God's honest truth is I never loved you as much as I love me.

And I hope you understand how that could be.

Dragon fire come burn me,
Turn my thoughts into carbon.
My purest intentions will extinguish your flame,
Your mythology grants me the wish
To climb the mountains of despair,
To conquer the hills and make love
To the people with my thoughts
Gaining supremacy is not my aim,
Nor is victory by default.
My measure is  to teach,
To hold the universe in my grasp
And shake the evil and the egotistic
Taste the goodness of universal love
Quell the fiery breath of the dragon
To a whisper of man's destructive force
The green scales of his skin slowly falling
Realising his strength is waning.
The knight of the natural world
Has shown how giants and dragons
Can be brought to book
By common sense and love.

By Max Hale

I want to forget you ,
I want to forget you,
but what is forgetting anyways,
Is it when a bird flys away and never returns to her nest
Is it the way the world shifts faster and faster in one directions
never returning to its original speed,
I'll never see you again
I want to forget you ,
It became consuming
Having you always in my brain
It became obsessive
The way your appeal dug into my soul
turning it black as coal
Feeding it massive matrialisism and egotistic
I didn't want your virus
Your disease,
The very thing that makes us both sane and insane
I never held your hand
and the good moments were fleeting
yet you buried yourself into my heart
into my soul
always tearing it apart
jack rippered me to pieces
and I still can't find all the parts.
I want to forget you,
I loathe and detest you
I want to forget you
I don't know you, and I never did,
You never had me, and I never stood up for you.
I hate you .
I want to forget you,
You remind me of what a stupid person I was,
No stance on love ,
letting you let me drag out all the corners of my heart
and my ideals and my values and morals
until I realized that I had none.
I want to forget you
because I am not the girl I was once.
I want to forget you
I do not regret you
nor do I forgive you
I never met you .
Who are you ?
It's nice to meet you .

Someone’s favorite color says a lot about them.

If the color they love is blue,
They could be sad.
Or happy.

If the color they love is yellow,
They could be egotistic.
Or creative.

If the color they love is red,
They could be mad.
Or overtly passionate.

If the color they love is green,
They could be jealous.
Or hopeful.

If the color they love is purple,
They could be immature.
Or covertly heartfelt.

If the color they love is orange,
They could be impatient.
Or adventurous.

If the color they love is pink,
They could be shy.
Or romantic.

If the color they love is black,
They could be depressed.
Or determined.

One color has many different meanings.
We can try to understand someone through colors,
Or even actions they do.

But we truly cannot know how someone feels,
Until we ask them.

They reveled in the madness of their creations
Drunk with glory
Blinded by the ecstasy
     of their unique love story
Sipping from an egotistic goblet
While Mary transformed into the harlot

Marked by a letter
Some feared it to be scarlet
Yet she praised the Lord
Him, her ****** target

2.1.

There ain’t a
chance
My Baby can
dance
But he’s always
looking handsome
in his black t-shirts
of 90s grunge
bands

This is a
Dead mans
land
Taking hits
I can see the
lipstick on the
back of your
hand

Snow White
flesh
My hearts
frost bitten
Noir Princess
It’s been a few
total solar
eclipse since
I’ve been
a rich mans
Mistress

Maybe God is
lonely Baby
Maybe God is
tired Baby
God is lining up
the shots
knocking on
my window
He wants me
to be his lucky
little lady

He likes a
bad *****
who can admit
she’s a little bit
egotistic

My Mother keeps
askin
“Samantha
  have the voices
  come back again”

Well ya Mom but
this time it’s moving
in a different
direction

Were singing in
harmony
Dancing in
ashes
Holding each others
with cold grip
hands

Pale sunrises
And misfortunate
lost souls are
digging for gold
Beware of the
mauvais martyrs
who sacrifice
wilted marigolds

I scurry to the bathroom, shutting the door of the uncleaned world behind me and I just stare in the mirror.
I see myself, but not only myself, but what I have become.
I see blood and tears shattering down to the purist of sinks.
I have become Sweeney Todd, a man forsaking his lost world.
A man who doesn't even see himself anymore.
It just comes to show how much this cruel world can change someone, making them think that there’s No Place Like London. Their own creation of their own world.
Here with a mask, portraying what I have become; this man.
A man who kills for passion and with love and with no scarce for bleeding over the white dove.
A man who is mistaken by a fellow Judge, a bias judge who has ruled his final destiny, my final destiny.
I see myself becoming more lost, slowly slitting my throat by this man with white hair; dead bodies filling up the floor. I’m losing control.
Just like The Worst Pies in London, I’m disgusting, I am revolting; like an unsold bottle of elixir.
I have been tossed and used and if I dare take one step out of place I will be beaten.
People expect so much from me and I've tried my best to be worthy in their presence just like
my childhood, nothing but a blurred line, controlled by an egotistic, vile Italian wanna-be.
I've grown into a killer.
Not only on myself, but those who even dare to care for me.
I stare in the mirror with a forbidden soul I call my wasteland, my graveyard, my sewer; this man, this man has shown me the ways of disgrace and having an unloved life.
I scream in horror as this blade takes control of my new life.
Am I evolving into something I have wanted? Or am I following the footsteps just like the customers did when they lined for their funeral?
I glance at the puddle of blood I have created and wonder if this is the life for me.
I take a taste of what is yet to come of this new life and all I can do wait.
Wait Down By the Sea for this man to become, this man who lives this life of Sweeney Todd; the man of my creation, me.
I stare in the mirror struggling to open that closed door, wondering and thinking what it’s like out there, out there in the real world and question myself, is it the world for me?

Egotistic *****
You're that and nothing more
Malice towards other
Fondness for you
and your little friends
Let this end
Be known to all
Ill-bred
Ill-fed
Ill-read
Dumb as a doornail
All hail
To the witless
******
Insolet
Teenage Queen

I leaned against the countertop of the bar
A dark cloud lingering over me
"where are you" she asked
Lost I said
Everywhere but here
Everywhere but in this room
my head wanderlust
tsunamis tunneled through my thought
storms flooded my veins
mountains weighted my shoulders
I lost strength to compel
as a strain
they gain humor
as I struggle
they watch
my mind caved in
the bottle wasn't enough to dilute me
i drank myself to a midnight sweat
I ached of second thoughts and regrets
my hands shake
my knees tremble
Himalayas entrenched my curiosity
my light my intelligence
People loved me for what I was worth
but now I'm nothing
But a man of the innocent destruction
a ticking time bomb
an experimental reconstruction
People destroyed me
A test of sort
A worthy companion
polluted by corporate control and egotistic capitalism
I'm nothing now
But people like you don't help
You're more worried about Why I ache and am at loss
Rather than aiding the pain I've gone through first
Comfort detracts once curiosity overrules care and sympathy
No I don't ask for empathy and compassion
Just someone with an imagination
to be my distraction from my eternal collapse
I'm more than a societal experiment
I'm human
But today, what is that worth?

Americans scramble about
like hyperactive lemmings
trying to fix themselves.
Vanity; egotistic futility;
pointless self-obsession.
How can you fix yourself
when you are already you?
  - mce