The illumination to  my epiphany shines brightly into my face.
I log into the world, plugged up
I never know where it will take me
but I explore the deepest rivets of what it has to offer
I stopped reaching for anything and searched for something
The answer falls into my stare
I realize
the solution to my questioning, and encounter a lesson,
Vulnerability looms there in front of my face
to bow down to it
the thing that I've been running from.  
I ask God make me powerful enough to make the uncertain certain
while keeping my feelings at bay as I try my hardest not to be vulnerable
but In my attempt to destroy it I fuel it; vulnerability  
to feel that I can control and predict my future, and act like I do not
so when I die of old age
I never get to live  to be myself intentionally, so that I never truly see myself suffering from my uncertainty that certainly I played the part to make it appear as though this was my choice and in turn never having to fess up to my true lack of courage.

perphaps what's really missing
is the satisfaction
i get when writing
anything
anything at all
anything that my brain wants to say
the dire need is rewarding
once the deed is done its
alarming
how much my brain
needs a moment
to write
and I wander if I knew
i was charming
and I could forget the fear
clamering
and mandering
with my real life world

can you hear my thoughts ?
can you hear my thoughts?
where am i without my thought
no where i am no where at all

I'm healing slowly
sometimes I forget just how bad it gets
or was,
just how bad it was
all the time
now all that's left
is a pounding heart

the smile that comes
after saying something
that is so genuinely
unique
and true to you
so that no one
can ever attack it
try as they may
they will never erase it
or take away
the joy it feels
to know it
to be 100% true.
Even if the entire world
was a farse
that would still be true
regardless.
Even if tomorrow I died
I would have understood,
I would have understood
myself.
In this way regardless.
The smile that comes after a poem
when it is so absolutely true
to feel no shame behind it
so that it cures
even the worst
of my indiscretions.
So that each moment
becomes separate
and stagnant
individual
and without the power
to see into the future
I become liberated
for I am not God,
nor do I want the ability
to see everything
so that I lose all control,
as powerful as I'd be
because
The smile that comes after a poem
in the truth
of it
Is enough for me.

In the many forms of writing
I find comfort in the release of all.
the raunchy aspect of sin in my raps,
the truth behind the poems,
the clarity from an article,
I need to say that !
so that I can never forget it !
that each is a different part of
and not at all me altogether.
I am somewhere
in there but not
at all absolute in each
I am fluid,
like the markets
and will always be
regardless.