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Kimmy Dec 2019
For all my friends and family i know you are all feeling
frustrated, helpless, and ready
to give up. It’s not your fault. You are not the cause of our suffering.

You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. But it’s not your fault. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready.

It is possible that something that you said or did “triggered” us. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say and do, that’s not always possible, and it’s not always clear why something sets off a trigger.

The mind is very complex. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can quickly fire off neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didn’t feel safe
, and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military persons who fight in combat — a simple backfiring of a car can send them into flashbacks. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.)

But please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior, we also desperately hope that you will not leave us or abandon us in our time of despair and desperation.

This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we don’t have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways.

We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience “burn out” from worrying about us and the repeated behavior.

Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better.

These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving.

One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is an intense fear of being abandoned, and we therefore (often unconsciously) sometimes behave in extreme, frantic ways to avoid this from happening. Even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic.

Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them – deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. We may avoid you, not answer calls, and decline invitations to be around you — and other times, all we want to do is be around you.

This is called splitting, and it’s part of the disorder. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. We’re not saying it’s “right.” We can work through this destructive pattern and learn how to be healthier in the context of relationships. It just doesn’t come naturally to us. It will take time and a lot of effort.

It’s difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you don’t have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you.

In Borderline Personality Disorder, many of us experience identity disturbance issues. We may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who WE are.  You remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to goth, all to fit in with a group – dressing like them, styling their hair like them, using the same mannerisms? It’s as if we haven’t outgrown that.

Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how we’ve gotten our nickname of “chameleons.” Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. It’s that extreme.

For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. We haven’t outgrown this.

Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. We can’t imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked. Again – this is NOT your fault.

The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that “this too shall pass” and practice DBT skills – especially self-soothing – things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness.  It’s smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on.

On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. It’s important that we stay safe and not hurt you or ourselves. This is just another manifestation of BPD.

We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims.

Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can learn how to regulate our emotions so that we do not become out of control.  We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstances…and we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you.

Another thing you may have noticed is that spaced out look on our faces. This is called dissociation. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. We can learn grounding exercises and apply our skills to help during these episodes, and they may become less frequent as we get better.

But, what about you?

If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one with BPD, you probably need support too.  Here are some ideas:

Remind yourself that the person’s behavior isn’t your fault

Tap into your compassion for the person’s suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering

Do things to take care of YOU. On the resources page of this blog, there is a wealth of information on books, workbooks, CDs, movies, etc. for you to understand this disorder and take care of yourself. Be sure to check it out!

In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath — whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted.

Ask questions. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD.

Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident

Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless.  This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have.

This is my second year in DBT. A year ago, I could not have written this letter, but it represents much of what was in my heart but could not yet be realized or expressed.

My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved one’s condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road.

I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. Hope can be returned. A normal life can be had. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you don’t give up.  I wish you peace.
(The Dry Salvages—presumably les trois sauvages
      — is a small group of rocks, with a beacon, off the N.E.
      coast of Cape Ann, Massachusetts. Salvages is pronounced
      to rhyme with assuages. Groaner: a whistling buoy.)

I

I do not know much about gods; but I think that the river
Is a strong brown god—sullen, untamed and intractable,
Patient to some degree, at first recognised as a frontier;
Useful, untrustworthy, as a conveyor of commerce;
Then only a problem confronting the builder of bridges.
The problem once solved, the brown god is almost forgotten
By the dwellers in cities—ever, however, implacable.
Keeping his seasons and rages, destroyer, reminder
Of what men choose to forget. Unhonoured, unpropitiated
By worshippers of the machine, but waiting, watching and waiting.
His rhythm was present in the nursery bedroom,
In the rank ailanthus of the April dooryard,
In the smell of grapes on the autumn table,
And the evening circle in the winter gaslight.

The river is within us, the sea is all about us;
The sea is the land’s edge also, the granite
Into which it reaches, the beaches where it tosses
Its hints of earlier and other creation:
The starfish, the horseshoe crab, the whale’s backbone;
The pools where it offers to our curiosity
The more delicate algae and the sea anemone.
It tosses up our losses, the torn seine,
The shattered lobsterpot, the broken oar
And the gear of foreign dead men. The sea has many voices,
Many gods and many voices.
                                       The salt is on the briar rose,
The fog is in the fir trees.
                                       The sea howl
And the sea yelp, are different voices
Often together heard: the whine in the rigging,
The menace and caress of wave that breaks on water,
The distant rote in the granite teeth,
And the wailing warning from the approaching headland
Are all sea voices, and the heaving groaner
Rounded homewards, and the seagull:
And under the oppression of the silent fog
The tolling bell
Measures time not our time, rung by the unhurried
Ground swell, a time
Older than the time of chronometers, older
Than time counted by anxious worried women
Lying awake, calculating the future,
Trying to unweave, unwind, unravel
And piece together the past and the future,
Between midnight and dawn, when the past is all deception,
The future futureless, before the morning watch
When time stops and time is never ending;
And the ground swell, that is and was from the beginning,
Clangs
The bell.

II

Where is there an end of it, the soundless wailing,
The silent withering of autumn flowers
Dropping their petals and remaining motionless;
Where is there and end to the drifting wreckage,
The prayer of the bone on the beach, the unprayable
Prayer at the calamitous annunciation?

There is no end, but addition: the trailing
Consequence of further days and hours,
While emotion takes to itself the emotionless
Years of living among the breakage
Of what was believed in as the most reliable—
And therefore the fittest for renunciation.

There is the final addition, the failing
Pride or resentment at failing powers,
The unattached devotion which might pass for devotionless,
In a drifting boat with a slow leakage,
The silent listening to the undeniable
Clamour of the bell of the last annunciation.

Where is the end of them, the fishermen sailing
Into the wind’s tail, where the fog cowers?
We cannot think of a time that is oceanless
Or of an ocean not littered with wastage
Or of a future that is not liable
Like the past, to have no destination.

We have to think of them as forever bailing,
Setting and hauling, while the North East lowers
Over shallow banks unchanging and erosionless
Or drawing their money, drying sails at dockage;
Not as making a trip that will be unpayable
For a haul that will not bear examination.

There is no end of it, the voiceless wailing,
No end to the withering of withered flowers,
To the movement of pain that is painless and motionless,
To the drift of the sea and the drifting wreckage,
The bone’s prayer to Death its God. Only the hardly, barely prayable
Prayer of the one Annunciation.

It seems, as one becomes older,
That the past has another pattern, and ceases to be a mere sequence—
Or even development: the latter a partial fallacy
Encouraged by superficial notions of evolution,
Which becomes, in the popular mind, a means of disowning the past.
The moments of happiness—not the sense of well-being,
Fruition, fulfilment, security or affection,
Or even a very good dinner, but the sudden illumination—
We had the experience but missed the meaning,
And approach to the meaning restores the experience
In a different form, beyond any meaning
We can assign to happiness. I have said before
That the past experience revived in the meaning
Is not the experience of one life only
But of many generations—not forgetting
Something that is probably quite ineffable:
The backward look behind the assurance
Of recorded history, the backward half-look
Over the shoulder, towards the primitive terror.
Now, we come to discover that the moments of agony
(Whether, or not, due to misunderstanding,
Having hoped for the wrong things or dreaded the wrong things,
Is not in question) are likewise permanent
With such permanence as time has. We appreciate this better
In the agony of others, nearly experienced,
Involving ourselves, than in our own.
For our own past is covered by the currents of action,
But the torment of others remains an experience
Unqualified, unworn by subsequent attrition.
People change, and smile: but the agony abides.
Time the destroyer is time the preserver,
Like the river with its cargo of dead negroes, cows and chicken coops,
The bitter apple, and the bite in the apple.
And the ragged rock in the restless waters,
Waves wash over it, fogs conceal it;
On a halcyon day it is merely a monument,
In navigable weather it is always a seamark
To lay a course by: but in the sombre season
Or the sudden fury, is what it always was.

III

I sometimes wonder if that is what Krishna meant—
Among other things—or one way of putting the same thing:
That the future is a faded song, a Royal Rose or a lavender spray
Of wistful regret for those who are not yet here to regret,
Pressed between yellow leaves of a book that has never been opened.
And the way up is the way down, the way forward is the way back.
You cannot face it steadily, but this thing is sure,
That time is no healer: the patient is no longer here.
When the train starts, and the passengers are settled
To fruit, periodicals and business letters
(And those who saw them off have left the platform)
Their faces relax from grief into relief,
To the sleepy rhythm of a hundred hours.
Fare forward, travellers! not escaping from the past
Into different lives, or into any future;
You are not the same people who left that station
Or who will arrive at any terminus,
While the narrowing rails slide together behind you;
And on the deck of the drumming liner
Watching the furrow that widens behind you,
You shall not think ‘the past is finished’
Or ‘the future is before us’.
At nightfall, in the rigging and the aerial,
Is a voice descanting (though not to the ear,
The murmuring shell of time, and not in any language)
‘Fare forward, you who think that you are voyaging;
You are not those who saw the harbour
Receding, or those who will disembark.
Here between the hither and the farther shore
While time is withdrawn, consider the future
And the past with an equal mind.
At the moment which is not of action or inaction
You can receive this: “on whatever sphere of being
The mind of a man may be intent
At the time of death”—that is the one action
(And the time of death is every moment)
Which shall fructify in the lives of others:
And do not think of the fruit of action.
Fare forward.
                      O voyagers, O ******,
You who came to port, and you whose bodies
Will suffer the trial and judgement of the sea,
Or whatever event, this is your real destination.’
So Krishna, as when he admonished Arjuna
On the field of battle.
                                  Not fare well,
But fare forward, voyagers.

IV

Lady, whose shrine stands on the promontory,
Pray for all those who are in ships, those
Whose business has to do with fish, and
Those concerned with every lawful traffic
And those who conduct them.

Repeat a prayer also on behalf of
Women who have seen their sons or husbands
Setting forth, and not returning:
Figlia del tuo figlio,
Queen of Heaven.

Also pray for those who were in ships, and
Ended their voyage on the sand, in the sea’s lips
Or in the dark throat which will not reject them
Or wherever cannot reach them the sound of the sea bell’s
Perpetual angelus.

V

To communicate with Mars, converse with spirits,
To report the behaviour of the sea monster,
Describe the horoscope, haruspicate or scry,
Observe disease in signatures, evoke
Biography from the wrinkles of the palm
And tragedy from fingers; release omens
By sortilege, or tea leaves, riddle the inevitable
With playing cards, fiddle with pentagrams
Or barbituric acids, or dissect
The recurrent image into pre-conscious terrors—
To explore the womb, or tomb, or dreams; all these are usual
Pastimes and drugs, and features of the press:
And always will be, some of them especially
When there is distress of nations and perplexity
Whether on the shores of Asia, or in the Edgware Road.
Men’s curiosity searches past and future
And clings to that dimension. But to apprehend
The point of intersection of the timeless
With time, is an occupation for the saint—
No occupation either, but something given
And taken, in a lifetime’s death in love,
Ardour and selflessness and self-surrender.
For most of us, there is only the unattended
Moment, the moment in and out of time,
The distraction fit, lost in a shaft of sunlight,
The wild thyme unseen, or the winter lightning
Or the waterfall, or music heard so deeply
That it is not heard at all, but you are the music
While the music lasts. These are only hints and guesses,
Hints followed by guesses; and the rest
Is prayer, observance, discipline, thought and action.
The hint half guessed, the gift half understood, is Incarnation.
Here the impossible union
Of spheres of existence is actual,
Here the past and future
Are conquered, and reconciled,
Where action were otherwise movement
Of that which is only moved
And has in it no source of movement—
Driven by dæmonic, chthonic
Powers. And right action is freedom
From past and future also.
For most of us, this is the aim
Never here to be realised;
Who are only undefeated
Because we have gone on trying;
We, content at the last
If our temporal reversion nourish
(Not too far from the yew-tree)
The life of significant soil.
fray narte Jul 2019
Let's cut the crap and all that sweet **** — we weren't those kind of people. We weren't made for romance and sappy poetries, weren't made for love songs, and cringey sweet nothings and gazing at the sunrise after camping out for the night on a hill. We were made to hold hands and a few almost-kisses during drinking sessions and forget about it the next day, to smoke and lie down a little bit too close to each other on rooftops and talk about depression and anxiety attacks, and deny everything in the morning. We were made for my unsaid "I miss you too's", that want to escape my lips the moment you say your drunken "I miss you's". We were made to see each other break down in between a pack of cigarettes and two bottles of local ***. We were more like two ****** up souls recognizing each other; more like two faultlines causing an earthquake and taking everything down with them, more like the first raindrops to fall apart before a thunderstorm, like two planets out of orbit crashing on each other in a brief but destructive way.

You see, maybe we're just drawn to people similar to us, and maybe, we're just drawn to each other because we're equally messed up. Maybe it was just the strong urge to save the other that borderlined to romance. But I guess being messed up wears people out, and sometimes I find myself wondering who got exhausted first. Where did the talks about "wanting to die together" go? When did the conversations about our saddest secrets cease? What stopped "Man, loving you is a disaster I won't mind being struck by," from coming? Was I too depressive and sad for you? Were my breakdowns suffocating? Did my fuckedupness stop feeling like home and started looking just plain ****** up? When did you start fading away? Why would you do that? Stupid questions.

You should know, it beats the **** out of me to say it, but I was perhaps a little bit desperate for you to stay. Perhaps I got too comfortable with your demons, I almost adopted them as mine. Perhaps the fact that you were willing to give me your ******-up all was comforting. Perhaps I was selfish, and I kinda wanted my darkness to be the only darkness you'll wanna light. Perhaps I miss you and it feels like I'm a chainsmoker on withdrawal from her cigarettes, and what ***** more is that I don't even know if I still cross your mind as that same sad girl you were happy being sad with, as that same sad girl who had always been your destination, and the very same one you apparently stopped coming to. And perhaps, thinking about all of these is *******. We weren't some modern-day knight and damsel. You weren't the guy with the beautiful blue eyes, and I'm not the girl with the blue washed denim they sing about. We were just misfits who made a mess out of the messed ups we already are, as if that isn't already enough. We were just planes thrown in the air, hoping to land, but ending up crashed and burnt. And that's how it always worked for people like us.

I was never worn out by your sadness as much as I was worn out by mine. And clearly, you were my favorite messed up, but, you're just not worth it anymore. And this — this is a just an unpoetic musing about the wrecks that we are, an impulsive attempt of detoxifying you out of my system. This — this is me, disowning your sadness; this is me disowning your demons. So let's just cut the drama and all that sweet **** — we weren't those kind of people. We were the almost-but-not-quite's, the could've-beens, and the never were's. We weren't the kind that bags the happily ever after. We weren't the kind that makes it.

All we are is everything short of lovers. All we're made for is everything short of I love you's. And this is everything short of love.
Michael Jul 2012
Reach for the sun,
My father always said,
Don’t ever fall to the ground;

So I climbed every tree,
Hiked over every mountain,
But the Sun, I never found.

Get off your knees, and
Run to the Heavens,
He would always say;

I ran to Church, and
Away from my sins,
But the Heavens eluded my way.

Swim to Atlantis,
Find the lost city
He muttered under his breath;

I swam for miles,
Dove to dark depths,
But discovered, there was nothing left.

He forgot my existence,
Lost all faith,
From his mouth, there wasn’t a sound;

He escaped my glances,
Never asked for a thing,
His love was nowhere to be found.

And yet: I had reached for the Sun,
Chased after the Heavens,
Even searched for Atlantis.

I had reached for his approval,
Chased after his affection,
And finally decided - **** it.
Dante Rocío Aug 2020
If you ever see me
run over.
kicked.
bleeding.
blurring.
on the ground.
incoherently.
something wrong with me.
or that I’m not conscious,

don’t look for my breath
or heartbeat,
don’t reach for a phone to call
an ambulance that will drive me
to the hospice
to which the world throws you in
when your window sill climbing,
barefoot walking
in the dirt rolling
like child with freeing thoughts drooling
or law-culture breaking
gets too much
of a crime for them.
don’t ask me if I see still fine
your two or four fingers
yet look for the tears in my eyes.

For if I don’t have them anymore
and won’t get myself then or ever again
to truly cry,
it is only then
that you’ll know
I stopped fighting,
I died,
I ultimately ***** myself
and I forgot
there is more Beyond.

and without that
my existence isn’t worth
looking for the pulse
anymore.

I will not be worth
of seeing stars
as a boy
without sanity
or glasses
anymore.

...

I swear on you
upon all
that
heed.
Thought of when once I felt
That the Village’s walls want always
To take over us
And make us forget
There is actually worth
or Life.
Thought of when imagined
That I would cease to wonder
Cry, bless or use my Legend
To become.
When I thought how others are unwelcome
Of my antics, Liberty and the New I carry
Every time you wake into
Walking this Village’s annihilation
And fearing
That one day you’ll come
To agree to it all.
This is what others don’t know as Death
sofia ortiz Aug 2012
I'm disowning my name.
In America, my name is cumbersome
and clumsy
and confusing
so I'm leaving it behind.
See,
my name starts with an S and ends with a Z
and one's a mirror of the other
so they're like bookends
for a collection of letters
that spell a name
that I never really felt belonged to me.
Every morning, when I wake up,
I wriggle into my name
but it doesn't feel quite right.
It's like borrowing your best friend's jeans
even though she's tall and skinny
and you've got a hundred generations of Puertoriqueña swirling around the blood in your hips.
I don't like my name
cause it doesn't diffuse across your lips.
It bursts through your teeth.
It's got a weight on your tongue
that brings down the sound with the weight of
a thousand sinking ships.
I've got a
Hispanic Titanic of a name
but my skin's so white
it seems impolite to claim an ethnicity
that only lends its elasticity
because of my father
and the people that brought him here.
My name is not me.
It never was.
It is an anchor that keeps me on the island of what my family used to be.
I am not a race.
I am not a category next to a box on a sheet of paper.
I am the syncopated heartbeat of a tribal drum.
I am the ****** whisper of water on the sand.
I am the sunburn on the corrugated tin.
I am the hunger in the stomachs of the working poor.
So when I die
let me not be remembered by
fifteen letters I did not choose
seven syllables I did not select
three titles I did not ask for.
Let them tell stories of
what I did
where I went
what I saw
who I loved
the words I spoke
the thoughts I formulated,
ignorant of my race
free of bias and prejudice
and preconceived notions
of what I should have been
because in the end
none of this will matter
I'll have no strength for words
but with a penultimate breath
I'll still be able to smile.
This poem is actually 4 years old. I found it in an old composition notebook from 8th grade (guess you know how old I am now). The first day of English, we had to write something about whether or not we liked our name. My response was lame, and in an attempt to redeem myself, I went home and wrote this poem. Being self-conscious, I never read it in class (or to anyone, actually), but it got me to sort through what I was thinking.
xmxrgxncy Dec 2016
It's a waterfall.
You know, the kind that cascades hard like
the white water rafting trips' featured waves
and just when you think they've calmed,
they're back even stronger.

They said they had their suspicions.
You've been more flamboyant.
You don't want to dress like your gender.
Stereotype, stereotype, stereotype.

But to be accused,
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US
To be yelled at,
YOU THOUGHT WE WERE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU THEN?
To wish you were anywhere else but here...
Somewhere over the rainbow...

But I'll never be over the rainbow.
Contrary to her belief,
it's not a phase or something I'll grow out of.
It's genetic.
Contrary to his thinking,
it's not helping
when all my communication with
others is severed.

I'm gay.
There, I admit it.

It's not like I'm gonna scream it from the rooftops, and no,
it's not the reason that I really like bowties and short hair.

Can't you just
accept me?

The final blow
is when your family
decides you're too good
for that type of lifestyle.

WHAT MORE CAN I DO TO IMPRESS YOU?
I've tried my whole life to make you proud.

I guess this just goes to show
that being myself
will never be enough.

So leave me to my cascades and wet cheeks in bed-why do you care-
because we all know you're wishing I'm something I'm not.
Someone I'm not.

Disowning me
would have been the
far superior alternative
to the disappointment.

"Our youngest daughter is just like her father, but looks like her mother. And our oldest daughter? She looks like her father, but acts like her mother. Well...she did."
Quote via my mother. Manipulated as to not share my sister or I's names.
Terry Jordan Dec 2015
My Mom called me a clever girl
It felt like a slap in the face
She said, “My sister did that, too,
Wrote silly poems and crocheted lace”

Since Alpha, her older sister
Had a bad rheumatic heart
Too weak to help with the farm work
She cooked a little for her part

While Mom, the Swedish farm girl
With a rope tied around her waist
Up at four to reach the barn
Six feet of snow was every place

She had to milk the cows then
It was bone-freezing cold
Her older brother Forrest
Plowed the fields at twelve years old

Their father died and left them
To run the family dairy farm
Soon after Alpha passed on, too
Depression inflicted more harm

That year was 1931
Ancient history one might say
Grandmother never recovered
Her depression years there to stay

Cokato, Minnesota
Who could blame my mom for running
Her mother could not forgive her
Til she installed indoor plumbing

She had run away to Oakland
A California nursing school
Her mother called her *******
And disowning her was cruel

But she was the lone survivor
In her family of five
So she nursed her future husband
After World War II arrived

They married and moved to Boston
The Yankee soldier and farm girl
It was 1950’s suburbs
To my father it was rural

Theirs was such a raucous union
Like a constant fire alarm
That when I could I moved down South
My dream came true-I bought a farm

How history repeats itself
And leaves its own impression
Alpha was reborn as me
But treated for depression
Growing up, My brothers & I heard my mother's stories about growing up on a dairy farm in Cokato, Minnesota.  My grandparents were immigrants from Sweden who had 3 children.  My mother's older sister, Alpha, had rheumatic fever as a young child, which damaged her heart and caused her death at 19.  I think that both my Grandmother and mother suffered from depression most of their lives.  When I started writing poetry as a child, my mother would be dismissive about it, saying that's all her sister Alpha did, other than crocheting and reading, while she & her brother had to do all the  hard work.  And we heard the story about when she tied a rope around her waist to get to the barn, and back, without getting lost in the snow-a million times.  She'd laugh at my interests that were so like her sister Alpha's that I believed I WAS her sister, Alpha, especially since I looked like her, too.   The farm girl & city boy, my parents, were a mismatch, like many who met from different places during the Post-war years.  It sounded romantic, the way she nursed him when he was hospitalized for Malaria in California after WWII.  I just had to try and get it out in this poem...
Joseph Childress Sep 2010
2012 reasons
To be afraid
Of the end
And I
Decide not

I will
Drop the world
After carrying
For too long
Caring for too long
Lost faith
Makes room
For another
Sharing my last
Drop of water
With the unfortunate

These *******
Have ******
Mother earth
For the last time
The last crime
Is the worst sin
****** in the first
Then
Third degree burns
On her children
Which they earned
For disowning her

The mother’s boys
Are looked down upon
So they take after their father
Wars
Generals
Kings of destruction
******* the life
Out of humanity
Insanity is for the wise
Guys
Who’d rather go crazy
Before leaving
Earth blazing
With the false truth

We have faults too
Falling
Into the *******
Propaganda proposed
By the doctor
Believing being
Bipolar
Isn’t good
And bad
Having a war within the mind
I’m
A soldier of love
And these *******
Are making it hard
On
The ones trying
To save Grace
From these *******
While we
Are called *****
For taking it all in

We reap what we sow
Workers use the ***
Then look down
On what they created
While desperate housewives
Left alone
Let gardeners
Enter her home

What
In the ****
Is the world coming to

An end.

But I disagree
With the Mayan calendar
Their knowledge
Is great
Yet weak
From their lack of faith
In humanity
Let’s prove ‘em wrong
And walk backwards
For a change
When the earth quakes
And the sky falls
Let’s break

From our ways
And stray
Away
From any path
Created out of fear
And stand
At out post
As the sun
Cries it’s tears
Of fire
And burn
Us all

Ignorantly,
Ill ignore
And stand tall
.Just.
To show these *******
The meaning
Of having *****
Mateuš Conrad Jan 2019
.all of Dante: no feminism; surely woman was such a half-"breed" that she didn't deserve the partiarchal sustenance anomaly of a Dante... a: mutation... half-wit me: succor? no succor! surely a man these days, would rather read ****-****** poetry from the 20th century, and watch football... than be levelled to a "need" to fathom the courtship of woman... it's enough for me to read the Braille of a key and a keyhole: and... like... some miraculous enterprise of a door... i'm out: dodo project... all the man that i will ever be: is being the man i was not expected to be: one thing being a puppet in the hands of the gods: another to be a puppet being kicked and shoved by a fellow human mob; fin; yep... fancy a gambled spotting of a Dante on a roundabout of: on a whim, within a whim, and... whenever she puts on lipstick in an advert: i am not thinking about her thinking of the metaphor for: *******.

you know...
i once stop myself...

i'm reading some
homosexual poetry
from the 1950s

and then i...
"reflect":

what is woman
writing in
the 21st century...

??????

archeologist...
certainly not
an entymologist...

one word...
pre-
whatever ethnic
grouping i was
part of...

***'gy'el...
one word savior,
much more
than an "our father..."

oh i'm way, way past
brown, coco,
copper tanning,
way past the Bangladeshii:
100 shades of
  goo...

gold smitten...
and some of Cairo
hushed extra-
     extravagance
of the dimmed
sandy-
-hued locket of
             timid amber...

4 artifacts from
the 20th century
imprinted on my collectivised
aspect of a singling out
mind:
the holocaust
of the 1940s...
itallian **** from the 1970s...
music videos
from the 1980s...
t.v. reruns of cartoons
in the 1990s...
4th artifact... ****!
****!

what's the fourth 'un?

westerns:
with their scoop of:
any action, no action,
all action:
   panorama to boot...
a decade bias:
'60s...

             and with so many
takes on, "the trip",
i sometimes they didn't
drag god, the word, logos,
into their phantoms
upon the wake...
if only... they didn't desecrate
the shrines of
ingesting hallucinogenic
fungus,
by simultaneously
writing about them:

no go: zombie area...
   i too wish:
no x-ray was handy
in the variety of poem...
but:
******* desecrated
the sights...
like the machu picchu
of the soul...

what then:
at the end of a bottle?
another bottle!

       and prior to?
all of the worthy set
that constitutes
the making of life:
in the collective quest
of the repeated set
of mistakes.

- i tune in into
the speakeasies of
american psychologists
who:
a controversial
opinion is as much
degrading
as a shot of *****...

they could have tripped
all they wanted...
but have recorded:
nothing of their
experiences...

   and all would be:
just as well...
stiff & the stale Vatican:
holy men
for a worth of a leather
shoe... or a cotton shroud's
worth of a hood 'n'
fabric...

                as i sometimes...
have to stop...
no writing,
and interlude of reading...
and nothing but
a shelter in music...

rarely does the sound
of falling rain
compensate
music...

     i remember that the first
time i heard
       ola gjeilo i was in
transit, i cried,
because only the kind
of beauty never to be
attached in attaching itself
to the world, the organic,
will ever make me
cower into complete
shadow:
disowning a heart,
both in rhythm as
           in subject-matter...

now i know the word
to counter what
is being strained:
4000 b.c.

                to boot...
summary:

40s lamb for the slaughter...
70s italian ****,
80s music videos,
90s televised cartoons...
50s new york poetry...

         some jazz,
some painting,
   and then some of 21st century's
summary "criticism"...
         19th century architecture...

but of course...
  none of this even
suggests a chance to savour
  a contemplation
as recuperation...

         to me?
the poets of the 20th century...
should have never have
dragged
  the word into the phantasmagorical
world of the fungus "deity":
namely?
whatever word
is to be extracted from the dream
world is nothing but:

****, skyscraper,
*****, oyster, hat...
             screwdriver...

we have been abandoned
by dreams
...

we have been kicked out
from our "2nd Eden",
the Eden of Dreams...
and, it's as if:
we... "don't know it"...


i can only see my persistent
inability to dream,
the anglo-saxon lie that:
we can elaborate on
sleep with: staggering
dream-architectures...

      no! we've been kicked out!
second strike!
i blame the beatnik poets:
because why would you
drag the word into
hallucinogenic experiences...
while desecrating
the altar of the unconscious?

to have been kicked out
of the Eden of Sleep...
is to face the reality
of standing before
the Narcissus of a mirror's
rejection of the 3D man...
an no 2D avatar waiting:
mind you...
   the atom, the... "man"...

i sleep, i don't dream,
all i see is the
gnawing worm:
                         εποχoν -
the bulwark
released from
being tied to an orbit
for our safety: on a leash:

gnarl - up!
and gnashing teeth
like a mythology
of a grinding into
    spit
from a crushing wheel;

however much i try...
i can't dissociate
the following:

fjør-

                             & -skå...

da!

             no anglo-saxon can
lie to me,
in saying:
  he's the architect of
the dream-world:
while mine:
    remains shackled
to ruin...

                     and sometimes:
baron music
shoves a sock soaked
in **** down my throat:
and i...

mingle fingers away from
flesh,
and entomb them
in the wind:
and lacerate myself
with a vision
of an x-ray's worth
of gaze.
IDS Sep 2016
Days flash past my shadow
Unable to distinguish your face.

Missing someone is overestimated
An individual can't be missed
But how you felt in his presence
Will subsist.

Love conquers as endless matter
Thus exposing your heart is key,
For a new world to perceive.

An unknown yet
familiar ardor rushes through my veins,
I thence forsee you're present but somehow
Gone away.

Humankind around neglected you
Trust is reasonably locked into your gut
Disowning is no option,
Neither patronizing you;
Been there myself.

Dark nights
Dark thoughts;
Disoriented your head,
But reincarneted who you are today.

Don't contemplate there is no better.
Stand high on your feet,
Drown yourself on memories
That once made you
Complete.

Perhaps I'll never be your future,
Perhaps my existence to you is nonsense.
Straightforwardly;
Merely knowing you're no longer lost,
Will be my cue for moving on.
midnight prague Apr 2011
did you become a monster trying to be like me
love found,
our bitter catastrophe
I announce in small tongues
because I am far past shy
I dwell below the medium of discreet
I fell for that
that
which will never fall for me

secret bliss shared in corners of my mind
to be gazed upon by wolves
devoured in the late night sky

I travel with your mind in my mind
I do understand none of this will ever
be redefined
but I carry you within me regardless
of the bad times

touch the ill pale stricken love side
dive in midnight incubus pools
we lived in the most blackened of times
we drank what was not
but to me, the most red of wine

I sink into the thought of you
you do not love me anymore

I was torn behind you
shredded like pieces of cloth
buried deep into the cemetary in your soul
lost that woman who believed in romance and goth
I smear the dirt from against my cheek
you should see the sadness within me
the ****** blood tangent
the ****** of naked torture
I cover my privates
there is nothing left to hide
prisoners try to escape
I dwell here, numb with the thought of you  

my hands trail behind me

Im going to die
Im going to die right here
admitting this beneath me

tonight
a few hours
man
haunted
kissed
shoulders
hair
trailing
age


there is something hidden between the refined
lips of a staggered feline
tramped like irony against my soul
a birthmark
a cure
hurt
hurt



no escaping
trapped
whole


the understanding
the love that gives out a sigh of death
a sigh of disowning
a sigh of painful living
endured upon me like knives
punching
peircing
reminding
every single drought stricken day

I lay upon my pillow gently
oh yes
I give into all this pain
what else can I do with my small hands that were left
wrinkled and have become prune from living in your rain
what has become of the sickness
the splattered guts and the vain

suffer
detachment
drunk
comfort
drowning
smile nervously
smile hesitantly
smile
remorse
beg
hurt


how can I ever come to play
simply spread my meaning
simply tell the tale of where my soul went when you had gone astray
packed your bags and got on the closest highway
with the word
gay
dripping out the side of my brain
hands curved next to my cheek
fingers twisted
heat overwhelming
panting
screaming

I have learned you

stitched lips
Ally Ann Jul 2018
I sit on the floor
of my newly carpeted room
searching for answers
in the white crackled ceiling
and find nothing
but imaginary shapes of hope
in the bumps that preside in it.
There is no meaning to this,
broken hearts laying down
final words as they rest easy,
hardly trying to find love again
in the things they lost,
criticizing every act of affection
and disowning the thought of recovery.
I imagine the sky
changing past the roof above where my eyes meet
the ceiling
while I sit here decaying with the thought
that no one will ever love me
like I want them to
and no one will ever want me
if I don’t even want myself,
how do I get through a life
where there is no affection to be found?
I sink into the carpet,
eyes red against plush blue
wondering if I’ll ever accept
that some people aren’t meant to be loved
and maybe I am one of them.
The possible possibly came possible to her possible responsibility
But the product produced her production
And hope hoped for opinion to indulge

Gulfs of emotions showed attention
which led to disappointment
advantage disowning the prophet that lies
Average feelings decided on their own
Affection caused

Meetings annoyed many mind cells
turning down any appointment pointed

All was needed was love
that resulted in fear
Fear of love war
all was bad into their hearts
Because of love
Bows N' Arrows Mar 2016
Unconscious con-artists
sipping on each other's pop
intertwining their legs like Twizzlers
Squeezing the back of their necks
playing in the dark
tumultuous bed sheet
half-hanging on a mattress
Bruised lip, scratched skin
Disowning our faults
Pulled triggers on abrasive guns
for provocation and
crawling into trouble
storm siren Jun 2016
I don't know this feeling.
This fluttering in my stomach,
This anxiously awaiting a message,
This feeling of mutual respect
And care.

I don't know this feeling,
Being told not to feel bad
Or told not be embarrassed.
Being told that I am endearing,
Not insane.

Of someone looking forward
To speaking to me,
To seeing me,
Asking if it's okay
If they contact me as soon as they can.

Warning me that they'll be busy,
So they won't be able to respond a lot,
But that they'd still like to hear from me.

Because apparently I am
"Sweet and cute."
And "absolutely gorgeous"
And "completely awesome".

Because apparently I have a
"Good heart,"
However scarred I believe it to be.

My therapist says
You cannot go from loving someone
To disowning every memory of them
In two days.

My therapist says
I was in love with the memory of the person you were,
Not the angry monster you've become.

And even though I hate that I started falling out of love with you
Very rapidly
Mid February,
And I only gave you parts of me to convince myself otherwise,
And even though I hate that part of me will always love you,
I am so glad that I have grown to see your faults,
And that your funny-face selfies
Are not longer endearing,
But irritating.

Deleting your pictures off my phone
Was painful,
But once it was done,
The freedom was so good and pure.

I do not regret loving you.
But I do regret not being the one that left you,
Instead of you leaving me.

But you say
I am a monster,
And that is fine.
I am a hurricane of life
But monster is a nice word too.

And she says I was selfish,
I wish she'd look in a mirror.
She really needs to.

But he sees my worth,
My value
And likes seeing me.
Likes talking to me.
And it's not weird.
I don't feel the need to occupy all his time,
Because I don't feel like he'll drop me
The moment he finds someone "better".

I have so many things to tell you,
Most of which are how happy I am right now,
And the rest are telling you to *******.

I'll be sending you a package soon,
With your shirt and the ring attached to the necklace your mom gave me.
I'm giving the necklace back too.

There will be no letter.
No kind words.

Maybe a nickleback CD and a book on how to not be a ****.

But otherwise, nothing.

It is uncommon these days
To be satisfied and content with life.
Last night was the first night in a month that my insomnia got to me.
I was scared I'd wake up in a bad place when I finally slept.

I woke up, and after the nausea from the nightmares passed,
I received  a message from him.
And a simple apology and good morning and being told that I'm endearing,
Well it made me so much happier than you ever did.

Because there  was always some type of double meaning,
Some type of venom lacing your words.

He's upfront, and honest.
I don't quite understand how he makes me so happy.
Maybe it's because I finally like myself,
And he helps me figure out more ways to find good in me,
And you only ever made me see the bad in myself.

Your hollow apology for that goes unforgiven, by the way.

It is uncommon to be so much as satisfied
In this day and age.
Don't even get me started
On the rarity of the happiness
I'm feeling.
Life is hard sometimes. It gets better.
Hala K Jul 2015
She painfully stares and achingly gazes deep into the emotionless eyes she has never gotten use to no matter the intensifying years she has cowered under. The angelic smile graced upon her lips frowned into a languishing glower as she hears those melancholy scowls scrape out of that precious voice of yours. Her disappointed expression increases as your desperate urge for any type of detrimental reaction given off from the girl you claim as a meaningless soul, undeserving for the commendable respect you rarely bestow upon others. She lets her tears and her worries for you fall free as the aching and coldness of your heart evoked a tremor within the chasm of her abdomen. She argues and she begs for yourself to be disengaged from that fabricated character you have devoted yourself to be as the more aggressive punches and afflicting kicks are thrown onto her, causing greatly aggrandized worry and doubt to enter her mind. You’re consummate and jubilant days instantaneously flipped onto dark and lugubrious lifestyle, disowning as destroying your own inestimable life, only cumulating it much more powerfully. She screams and shouts, forcefully advocating the torment you have horrifically rendered to, horridly allowing the agony to tear through the apprehensive of her benevolence as your congenial laughter antipathetically snapped into one of your fallacious growls, attempting to intimidate her happiness, hoping for her contentment to vanquish in mid air. She does all of this, all over again, all stronger and harder than ever before, and all for one last time. Anger and frustration fuels in her veins, the gruesome expression stuck to your face sickening her, shaking her head in disgust. She puts aside the repulsive torment given to her by your own repulsive hands, replacing the ringing of insults and profanity unhesitatingly escaping the once innocent mouth of yours into a deep and miserable concern for your once prized anima. She does this all one last time, pointlessly hoping for a once in a lifetime miracle to occur. Her optimism and determination drives her adrenaline insane as the last sobs propel out of her throat. Every method has been used and repeated, each and every one has been desperately thrown to you with acrimony and exasperation furiously blasted within the hazardous mixture. Her courage dauntlessly roars as she holds her head high for the first time in eons, aggressively shoving you aside, clenching her fists as you potently stumble to the ground. She shrieks and she wails out all of the years kept flinching from the abhorrent tone in your voice and mewling down on the ground out of her system, leaving you to whimper as she wails her impetuous yet venturesome thoughts out, growling you to duck behind your face, fear and guilt forming in the pits of your stomach. Not one conclusion is left unsaid, and not one suggestion and avail is left cooped up in her brain. Every single retreat she'd always longed to respond is now out in the open for you to hear. Nothing is left implied as she finally walks out on the dismal of what you may call an existence, starting a new life as the last one of her blubbering's are fallen, and the final of her words are spoken. Her sigh breathlessly leaves as a deep involuntarily moan fleets out of her mouth, breathing in the new sight of the free air she'd never been allowed to see, only dreamt of the exemption of exerting from the trap she'd ruthlessly been obliged upon. Releasing herself from the punishment of concealment demoniacally lavished onto her, the once little pathetic and worthless girl bawling her eyes out to sleep is no more as the new confident and obstinate self embraces the atmosphere around her, spreading her power among the distance as she walks away from the cruel life extemporaneous for her. A genuine smile, one not embellished upon her lips for quite a while adorned to her mouth, completing the gratified glint in the sparkles of her eyes.  The throes and torture are no more, and the distressful past once drearily presented is once again, blissfully no more.
Triiniity Mar 2014
As you know, I come from an emotional, dysfunctional delusion
A sort of internal, infernal, disowning confusion
This pain is sempiternal, but I'm a dynamite with the fuse lit
I’m not gonna complain again, cause that’d be useless
I mean it’s not like she’d ever hear the words that I say it's
As if I never spoke them, oh god I'm nuisance

I'm so pessimistic
It's really pathetic
To watch me **** myself over a few sad sentences
I'm so narcissistic
It's really poetic
To tie the knots on my noose with my own words

Before I die though
I'll go on the aggressive
With some passive resistance
Because I'm honestly quite sick of all this constant *******
Call me Ghandi and I'll be quick to dismiss it
Unlike him, I know when I'm through being messed with
And I don't let people step on me like I'm a rug on their doorstep
Unlike me, he's not over possessive
And people didn't call him out for being over obsessive
But we both fight for what we think is right
Except he teaches on the lesson
While I'm kind of offensive
And the amount of times I swear is a little over excessive
But It helps get the point across to these ******* thick headed dimwits
So I can see how I'm not one they'd be impressed with
You know who you are when I'm this far on the defensive
I'm just a little over protective
There's no limit to how much I can stress it
You'd be my way too if you were looking from my perspective.
Because what if all of the sudden
Like a flame in the kitchen
Something you thought was normal grew into something that isn't
Because they only listen
When there is no way of saving
And only when you die do they even look what you've written
Poem after song and song after poem
I'm so sick of all these words unspoken
But I'll let out all my thoughts and that is a promise
So look me in the eyes and I'll be honest
Lydia Sep 2023
My tears would soak my face,
eyes red from the tiny veins busting inside from strain
my laugh was the loudest, my love was all in
my heart was running a never ending race
I felt a constant weight lay on my chest and my stomach never felt full
A deep emptiness engulfed me, a longing for life like I could taste it if I wanted to
chances waiting every hour, every minute things could change
goals upon goals and dreams upon dreams
I could take on the world, the doubt of others only a motivator to my next step
a powerhouse of life, love, movement and strength I was
a butterfly in the sky just out of reach
I really felt like I could fly back then
I felt guided by my spirit,
Like Frodo I had a secret weapon in my pocket to find the light, even in the darkest of places, unafraid to use it when all hope was gone
I was sassy, sarcastic and quick
always on the ready to jump, scream, laugh smile or run
It felt like me against the world and I was on the greatest team
I had a knowing that I was not going to let myself down, I would not be like them
I would be different

but I wasn’t
all the poems that I wrote, all the feelings that I felt, all the love I poured out, all the dreams I wasted and achieved, all the trying, kicking, screaming, joy, sorrow and peace, all of it
and yet I still became the one thing I spent so much time disowning
I still became me
Mahwish Z Dec 2016
I don't care much
would you mind
giving me your number
You look fab, tonight.
of which, I go
as I dance
in a midnight shadow
and this lurking image on me
the curse begin
of the pain, i felt
and the bitterness

i don't care much
disowning everything you ever knew
is of mighty courage
as i remove myself from all the subjects i ever read
subtracting to all the inheritances
of shallow practices and gaining attentions
with bleak sincerity

would you spend time with me
you are beautiful, lovely lady
these words, it doesn't reach to my ear
nor to my heart
I don't know why people fall in love
with a hollow shadow
or maybe they find solace
in not being noticed
in these naked nights
i sleep all my time
keeping myself too busy
to think much
as i don't care much
0219

God’s provision is manna to keep,
Manna to embrace,
Manna to enjoy.

Under the heavens, one can burst into complain
When he knows not the worth
Of even a single drop pouring like rain.

While the others rejoice —
Dancing in the moonlight, in the fiercest milky way
For his prayers have been answered,
His tears, he knows are worth keeping in a bottle.

One can roar like a lion in desperation:
And so he starves but neither he was killed by others’ bow
Nor the strong cravings in his belly
But by grumbling with his poisonous words
Like wearing a snake as a scarf on his neck.

One can ask for more that are outside of his reach,
But there is one who before he asks,
has already been greatly received.

His grips are not on his pocket,
Not even on the purses which were secondhand,
But it’s a grip of one who is courageous enough —
The one whose arrows are not traded to the west,
Nor does his shield echo while in defense of his keeps.
The one who knows whom he truly trusts:
A trademark of a mighty warrior,
Never peeling in deceit.

Two eyes can be set on the same red sparrow
But in the goodbye of the mist,
Truth is still the truth, there’ll be no hidden things.
One eye blurs into the abyss of fire
While the other is embraced with the kiss of the heavens.

We can choose to be one who is choked by his words —
The one whose sword is in his golden chest,
Never knowing the bleeding of his heart,
The one whose spirit is mourning alive.

But rather be the one who is the recipient of grace,
Melody is the Sun, shone on his face
The one whose greatest weapon is the decree of his heart.

He thirsts for instructions,
Knowing the throne isn’t his.
He dwells in the court of corrections, disowning his pride —
So be the one whose trust is never in his might.
Numbers 11:17-20
And I will come down and talk with you there. And I will take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone. And say to the people, Consecrate yourselves for tomorrow, and you shall eat meat, for you have wept in the hearing of the Lord, saying, “Who will give us meat to eat? For it was better for us in Egypt.” Therefore the Lord will give you meat, and you shall eat. You shall not eat just one day, or two days, or five days, or ten days, or twenty days, but a whole month, until it comes out at your nostrils and becomes loathsome to you, because you have rejected the Lord who is among you and have wept before him, saying, “Why did we come out of Egypt?”’”
hailey Jul 2014
The suppressing, the forgetting, the disowning of a me
I never wanted to be seems to be failing miserably
As she slowly creeps, scratches her way back to the surface.
Each day consuming me and transforming me bit by bit
Back to the person I once was
And fought so hard to forget.
I promised myself I'd never become her again
And yet here we are.
She's laughing and mocking me
For ever thinking I could pull off being this girl
I pretend to be.
I guess I was hoping
Eventually this act i have on would consume me
The way she had and finally I'd be
What everyone wants me to be:
**OKAY.
Atript Abhinav Aug 2015
I'm a *******
?Agony is ecstasy so wound me
?Cut every part of me that failed to please
?Watch my hands swimming on those cuts like your fingers sliding through your hair
?Feed me more for I'm a zombie feeding on myself?
Savor every moment because I won't stand tall to go down again
?Crack me wide open to find no part of me crying in pain
?Knife your name all over me and peel like an artist disowning her sickest masterpiece
?One doesn't bleed love and nothing you did could **** the you inside me?
It was love that got me ready to bleed for your delight

Love was when I refused to fight

Bisect my heart in two

I die in love with you

Drink your fill like a vampire before you hand me to the pyre

Love was when I surrendered to please your desire
L'Cie Nov 2014
To my loved ones, I'm a ghost: I haunt them, I am to be shunned. Heartless as ghosts are, I do not feel wrath-- I feel the emptiness.
What have I done to become this sort of monstrosity?
What must I do to come alive before them?-- What must I do--
to become real in their eyes?

To my loved ones, I am ****. I am brown, filthy, avoided.
They seek to go back to the ******* of the owners
who love disowning them.
Why, my beloved owners, do you not see-- that I am your ****:
There are many like me, but this **** is yours.

To my loved ones, I'm just phlegm. Sticky-- yuck!
But, the same substance used to protect them from viruses
Why do you look at me--
Your protector, with disdain?

Do you not see:
I may be all of these, but I am yours anyway.
Poetry Reading in Oslo
Never had the lack of talent exhibited itself in so many poets.
I'm referring to a poetry fest in Oslo- years ago- for whom
Norwegian was not their first language.
On a wooden table booklets of third-rate poetry trying to
look invisible disowning the poet's feeble effort to make
words sing. The poetry reading was disrupted the readers
a military band next door a blessing for the listeners of
trite words of love. Among the naïve public, women looking
for *** with young poets thinking it was romantic.
What a moth-eaten group of poets assembled in this cold and
indifferent land, hope is when they came home sat down and
through hard work gave birth to poetry.
AE Jun 2020
I often find myself seeking validation from words that were never written for my tongue

Caging myself behind walls made of letters still undefined

pacing the corners of my fears wondering what is being said in another’s mind

I run from the words that define my faults, disowning them and leaving them behind

But I still carve them into the crevices of my skin, to remind myself of everything that I’ll never be

Then, I write a stranger's name beside them so that I can blame someone else for my insecurities.
Nat Lipstadt Jul 2020
poetry with two spoons and a salt shaker

~for poet, writer, Lora Lee, unexpectedly~

my symphonic orchestral accompaniment today, musically
unlimited, except by lack of disowning skill, a voice unkempt,
spoons and salt shaker, there in-nate rhythmic opinions off key,
worse, my manly word-smithy, out o’town in June, July, August too?

He, having an affair with my she-muses, left me bereft & berated,
helplessly hoping, the timpani of my words clashing, overrated,
woeful under-something, betraying my need for spicy sriracha,
poetry, sans hamburger helper, no-tasty, even less-than-average

everyone comes rushing in to the kitchen, hearing my to-sky-voices
howling, thinking something wrong, the four instruments rack up a cacophony of rhythmic-less noises, words emerging, to-a-person, they announce, “you’re no Allen Ginsburg, ppp-please not so early next time”

alas, they don’t know the poems are coming hot and heavy, guess I’ll
go outside, serenade them birdies in the trees, the striped bass in the bay, the rabbits procreating/sleeping/eating under their (our) dock

the squirrels know better, have skedaddled to the next-door-neighbor who feeds them classical stuff with a dollop of jazz creme mixed in, but I don’t care, cause I got all day, the rest of my life, to amuse me & you too

to refine the qualitative, to improve my creative, I’ve gone “native” and the rush is the best, the wind beneath my spectacles (haha) drives my rhyming to lowlight heights of prosody, besides seems

everybody has gone to a different beach, so it’s just me and the giant blackbirds cawing holy hell noises, and I’m thinking seriously about baking pie, but they just don’t get the hint, how annoying is that!

harrumph!

BESIDES GOTTA WRITE SOME SERIOUS STUFF...
Michael Marchese Jul 2022
World is imploding
I’m stuck in it droning
Unknown to it still
In this quest
Of disowning  
So long ago
Left
Dispossessed
Was my message
Until homelessness
Was my lonely
Last vestige
Of clinging to
Abnormally
Non-conformity  
Lost in the scale, scope and skies
Of enormity
Mourning my
Torn in two
Unification
The love that once lived
To rue days of forsaken
Awakening
Sum of my fear
Contemplation
And dwelling no further
In its ruination
an artist Sep 2020
where to begin

there is so much ******* pain
lined up inside me
like layers of skin
i have layers of pain

so much unsorted trauma
lying in my chest, mind, heart
my soul
it aches for growth, but
i am still figuring out the trauma part

i am not who i am born into
i am not the things that have happened to me
i am not the people who have hurt me

i am Me
i am my Self
I am Grace
i am strong

i have been hurt
but the weight of the pain has become
too heavy to drag around
i must dump the body

the body of trauma that lay inside me
fare ******* well

i am not required to forgive you
and for now i cannot
for you have sinned much more,
far, far, far more than forgiveness could erase

ten fold
i hope the horrible
terrible
evil
things you’ve committed

i hope they come down raining
ten fold
on your stupid ******* head
since you don’t get the picture

and here i will sit
while you writhe in suffering
disowning your evilness
rather than facing it head on
swords up
cutting through the thick disgust

but you ******* cower
like the ******* you are
you feel no remorse
you find pleasure in the pain of others
and for that
let bygones be bygones

i trust.
for your troubles are out of my hands
the things you’ve done to me
they are out of my hands
i will try to forgive,
oh but i will never ******* forget

i fill my hands with what i deserve
i fill my hands with love
i fill my hands with abundance
i fill my hands with peace

i let you go now
you no longer have a place in my life
holding on much longer will not suffice
Eric Dec 2018
The rest of me , I lay down my weapons so this could be . I fall straight down to one knee. And cry endlessly. Grey lit skies above , when you look away disowning love. Take the time to beat , and see whats in my mind , mind boggling . Destroying every last string holding me,can't you see. I'm falling apart , as my world comes deadly. Silent screams , crackling bolts of lightning strike facelessly, namelessly . Open heartedness, forgiven .lost for the time I was driven . Believe in . Every aspect of my life , thrown out my  window and forgotten. But me , I'll never be the same again . Ever again .
Sa Sa Ra Jun 2018
Faithful faults r we.
Wedges pounding our frozen shattered beings.
How a heart beats in granite like masoleums.
Massive monsters we have roaming. Calling home a sense or feeling.
Den of vipers we are owning.
Not a one is, can, will be disowning.
Egos blaspheme steady.
JRL Mar 2018
You are perfect, you never make mistakes . .
It's always me . .
You always try to fix me and point out everything I do,
Is there any grace?

Correction unto perfection . .

I don't want to settle for less,
But I'm giving my best . .  
And it's never enough . .
All I ever do is let you down . .

What must I do to satisfy you? - become you?

Can't I be myself, have my own life,
Make my own decisions, have my own convictions . .  
I'm old enough now to own what I believe,
I'm not disowning you, but we won't agree on everything . .

I'm not a people pleaser anymore . .

There is responsibility on my part . .
Winter 2011
I don't know why 18 year old me loved the double ellipses instead of the grammatically correct triple ellipses; I was weird - still am.
Kurt Philip Behm Mar 2019
Money…
  an ungrateful heir

Disowning all memory
  —with your ashes still warm

(Villanova Pennsylvania: May, 2016)

— The End —