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Ally Ann Sep 23
I have a heavy kind of sorrow
from losing something
that was never mine to lose,
mind straying to what could have been
haphazardly dreaming about
scenarios that were never meant to be,
bending to the will of some unknown force
that lives inside me
and aches for the world to be different
than it was when I ran from
the words that haunt me at night
and I am wracked with guilt
for hurting those who only wanted the best for me,
letting my stuttering heart decide
what what would make up the rest of me,
even as I am drowning in the ocean
it put me in,
this sorrow keeps breaking me
repeatedly screaming what I may have done wrong
and I am chained to my body
losing something over and over again
that I have no right to mourn
Ally Ann Jul 31
There are things they don’t tell you about getting older,
how one day you will realize
that the home you grew up in
no longer feels like home
and you’ll be yearning for somewhere else
even as you are sleeping in the bed
that you slept in as a teen,
these changes come slowly,
but hit you all at once.
They do not tell you
that you will look the same
as you did last year
and last week
but you will feel like the world
shifted a few inches overnight
not telling you that it was going to do so,
but leaving you to pick up the pieces
of the memories it left as it moved,
you will grow to understand
that some things will never make sense
no matter how much you shake your fist at God
and cry into your mother's shoulder,
they do not tell you that you will not always be able
to cry into your mother's shoulder
or call your dad when your car breaks down
or feel comfortable in the places
that used to make your eyelids relax
into peaceful sleep,
they are too busy learning these things themselves
that they forget to tell you the things
you wish you knew
before it was too late.
Ally Ann Jul 16
How do I heal
without the memories splitting my skull,
breaking free from the prison I put them in
to protect myself from me.
How do I find any peace of mind
if I have been at war with myself for ages
when I don’t even know where I put
my white flag,
it might be under the remains of my soul,
burned black in the battle
that left me looking for my humanity.
How do I look forward
if my neck is permanently back,
looking for answers in a world that doesn’t give any
toes pointed toward sunshine
head towards pain
and there is nothing in my brain
saying, stay safe
there is nothing telling me how to stay sane.
These days I ask myself how I can heal,
without ripping myself apart again
remembering what got me here
and I am left to pick up each piece
of who I am
and tear it apart
hoping that one day I’ll learn how to
put myself back together again
Ally Ann May 29
I wrote to you in hopes
that it would help me forgive myself,
so I could stop cutting down the flowers
that grew from my veins,
watering them with cyanide
and still crying when they died.
Tears haven’t stopped flowing from my eyes
since I decided to find my own life
and I left you behind with the shattered glass
that used to be pieces of your heart
I hoped that these words
would be some sort of key
that would let me leave this cage
that is rotting around me
filled with piles of unspoken words,
melodic verses of things that I should have said
when I needed to say them,
now everything is broken
and I am stuck in my own mind
with a piece of paper and a pen
trying to figure out how
I can make myself whole again.
Ally Ann Apr 28
I woke up to the death of my anger,
It crawled out of my chest
loose teeth
and twisted bones
that never stopped hating
the world that made it.
It took my breath with it,
familiarity gone
as I became new,
someone who felt alive
in place of the pain
that rested on my chest at night.
I woke up to the death of my anger
and I have slept better since.
Ally Ann Apr 15
My body is made of flammable stone
a paradox in its own birth
a wooden crown atop
goddesses in dressing gowns
sleeping to the sound
of fire burning me to the ground.
I am swaying with the tears of my mother
hitting silently as they fall,
everything that made me special
also put me up in flames.
What a sight,
all this destruction
pillars of smoke around my teeth,
rosy cheeks as I’m lowered into the grave
because it is I
and I am one
with the great Notre Dame
In destruction, we will find strength
Ally Ann Mar 15
I breathe in sadness
like an addict
who has only been clean long enough
to know how much it hurts
to lose what once made you feel
more than you had in years
each sigh brings me deeper
drowning under the pain
until all I can remember the next day
is the smell of my tears on my pillowcase
and how much my bones ached
under the idea that I would never be clean again
looking for my next escape
as soon as the weight
eased off of my veins
and let some of the light in
that burned my throat
as it tried to bring me out
I am what I vowed not to be,
an addict to my own sadness
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