Ally Ann Oct 30
The first time a boy told me he liked me
I was 19
I had never heard those words before
foreign to ears that endured
nineteen years of crosshatched scars
on my self-esteem
from broken records screaming
things that made my knees weak
years of you’re not worth it
made me think that no boy
would ever see me as anything
but **** written repeatedly
on brittle bones.
What was worse
was when I told him we wouldn’t work
afraid that no one could ever love me
when they saw the disease growing in my mind
self-hatred against darkening rage
for a world that never understood
what it meant to be less than its expectations
it was letting myself down
denying sunshine into my mind
that spread lies like stars in the sky
whispering things I misinterpret as truth
wondering why there is a war against
my brain and my body
rotting with the thought
that I would die alone
against black landscape
that would someday swallow me whole
There is a guilt in me that I can't explain for a boy that told me the truth but I didn't believe him
Ally Ann Oct 4
My mind thought it was dead
for five long years
living a life under clouds of medication
raining blues on my forehead
I did not know what it meant
to be awake
I only knew what it meant
to not want to die
I look in the mirror and see surviving
as if survivor is my only worth
bleeding thick black lines
onto paper so thin
it disintegrates as I write
my bones are awed at the thought
that maybe it didn’t need to be this way
smoking lungs deciding whether to
keep putting out the fire
or let my body burn
burn with my own inspiration
love that buried itself in my ribcage
and made itself a prison
worried about the hurt that would
crush my hands to powder
like it did before I learned
how to silence my mind,
it is deciding whether to be broken
or swimming in my own head
learning to think again
against my body’s wishes
it’s being okay or creative
finding light
finding life
or finding nothing in return
sometimes being medicated feels like a cage
Ally Ann Sep 7
I let the darkness
seep into my skin
as if it would stop
my bones from rattling.
Babbling sirens pierce my ears
forgetting what the morning brings,
I hear nothing but the psychoanalysis
of my own lips breathing out nonsense.
Expectations dangle from the ceiling
blocking out all the light from the moon
enlisting its own doom
into my growing pores.
They reach for sadness like sunlight
a direct way to feel again,
despite my echoing cries
they continue to try and be something.
My body aches of its own type of arthritis,
derived from the weight of surviving,
years of looking for a way out
wore on my joints like sandpaper.
So I erode,
tiny flecks of golden dust
fall to the floor as I walk,
glowing in the hue of dusk reclining
itself into my chest.
I am left with the dread of failure
and regrets I know best
waiting for the dawn to support me,
but the darkness lasts for days.
I wait
and I wait,
and eventually the sun will rise
and I will be okay.
Ally Ann Aug 29
I was born with insanity in my bones
fire burning in my lungs
with smoke blowing past my lips
cracks in every word
as if I would never be whole again
living brought the agony
of trying to understand
who I was
in a world that was telling me
who not to be
and I was everything that they
said no to
sleep was nonexistent
behind hooded eyes
and no way to realize
I was not to blame for falling apart
trying to stitch myself together
with all of the pain I felt
I only knew what it meant
to be racing against my own
biological clock
ready to escape the cage of my own demise
at any moment
if only someone had the reason
to leave the door unlocked,
hope that someday someone would
trust me with the key
until I realized that the key
was inside me,
I was just too focused on the insanity in my bones
to pull it out of my own swollen throat
and create my own freedom
let yourself out of your cage
Ally Ann Aug 16
I feel one hundred and two
decaying from the inside out
a skeleton of mistakes
and regrets of things I should have done
broken teeth scattered across my bathroom floor
and empty pill bottles lining my shelves
I feel older than I should
already preparing for death
it looks me in the eyes
and tells me everything is all right
so I will go quietly with it
into the night,
I feel my bones shifting as I sit
waiting for another day to pass
until it doesn’t anymore
and I am somewhere that isn’t here
not living but free
escaping from what I tried to be
but I never was,
fingernails gnawed to the bone
and bones jutting out from the crevices
of my own mind
I am too young to feel this old
ready to give up
who I am
to anything that promises relief
irreconcilable futures rest in the horizon
and I am here bargaining away
what time I have left.
Ally Ann Aug 15
I’ve been trying to remember who I was
before all of this changed me,
further than two steps from a grave
fighting away demons with the back of my hand
and looking at the grey-blue sky
with something more than indifference.
Who was I
before broken glass slipped its way
into my skin
burrowed into every vein
and threatened to cut me from the inside
if I dared to move,
feet planted in the dirt
hoping not to scare what soul I had left
shattered on the side of the road
where hope left me
to fend for myself.
Where was I headed
before this pain was implanted
into my brain
pushing its way into every nerve
and screaming at me to give up
before I lost my mind,
legs buckling under the pressure to fight
for people who would never understand what it meant
to be waging a war within my body.
I had to change
before life brought me down
into the pit of ignorance
where everything is bliss
but everything is a lie,
I couldn’t stand to be there
any longer than I could survive here
as I was.
I am not who I used to be,
care free and warm
I would have suffocated in my sleep
trying to be something that
wouldn’t live to see another day,
I have changed
into someone that sees pain
but also the beauty that it becomes.
Ally Ann Aug 9
At 12 years old
you learned the majority of stars
were already dead.
They are masters of deception
giving you hope that beauty
is permanent
and love is forever.
You learned that love
is too often a lie
and promises find themselves
shattered on linoleum floors
that you step on in the night.
At twelve,
you learned that your bones are fragile
paper thin like the birth certificate
you’ve never seen,
buried under other things
you never really cared about.
You found truth
at 3 am in your bedroom
followed by rivers of tears
and open pill bottles.
You saw life
and you saw death
and sometimes those nights
when you were twelve
are the only things that make you feel
like the world is real.
When you were twelve
you found out the stars were dead.
When you were twelve
you found out that you were not.
I hurt so much at this age it almost killed me
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