Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Pyrrha Jul 2018
Out of all these poems I've written of love and longing,
Out of all these years searching in the sea of people,
I still yet to understand how it's possible to have words without a muse

I often wonder what it would be like to have a muse without words
I believe it would feel suffocating
As you choke on all the words you long to exhale within your next breath
For a poet to be trapped by words is to be trapped by passion

Sometimes my heart swells up so big it walks across a sea of words and sinks into the deepness of the waters
Lost among the clearer beats on land
An abnormality pushed away from love like an ancient curse buried in my skin
One day i'll make it learn to swim rather than let it sink and bathe in sin

The question still remains
Would it be better to have a muse and feel like drowning,
Or to have the the words to accompany the lonely?
Yue Wang Yidhna Dec 2017
Story by: Yidhna
Written in Chinese By: Yidhna Yue and Ezio Fu
Translated in Full by Yidhna

1.“Light and Darkness”
Another myth
The Monomyth
Symphony of a war
A war of the light
and Dark
A war in the myth
Myth of the black moths
Myth of the fireflies
From the beginning of
The universe
That which is also the end of time
Life, like the phoenixes,
Ends end with new life

For light and for darkness
For love and for destruction  
I am a knight
I am a knight
For light and for darkness
For love and for destruction
I am a dynast
I am a dynast

Stars, as heaven sent Guardians
Fall from the sky
As snow flakes fall from the sky
Fall to the their rebirth
Fall to their renaissance
as Fireflies
Fireflies of the righteous path
Fireflies of light
They will return
as stars in the night sky
For light and for darkness
For love and for destruction  
I am a knight
I am a knight
For light and for darkness
For love and for destruction
I am a dynast
I am a dynast

From swamps of darkness
Flows the corrupted
In the caves of darkness
In the forms of black moths
Tarring the world with the wickedness
without heart without hope
Rebirth in the night
Without light
For light and for darkness
For love and for destruction  
I am a knight
I am a knight
For light and for darkness
For love and for destruction
I am a dynast
I am a dynast

For light and for darkness
For love and for destruction  
I am a knight
I am a knight
For light and for darkness
For love and for destruction
I am a dynast
I am a dynast

2.“The Fireflies”
Without hope, who yet lives?
Within darkness, who yet saves?
Flames of light?
Flames of heart?
Or faith, and loyalty to faith
When Irises
No longer shines
When golden armors
Scars like flesh
They will still use blood
To light up belief
and bravely awaits the new dawn
Fallen from the stars
They are the warriors
They are the saviors
They are the fireflies
They are the fireflies
In love they will return as star lights
In death they will return as star lights
In death they will return as star lights
Time endless War eternal
Light and darkness mourn for peace
Light, fireflies,
and
Heaven sent star lights
Under the dark nights
When time dies
When time ends
Losing its dark and light
The fireflies still sing
Sing toward a path to truth
Living in faith, living in love
Living in the rebirth, renaissance
As stars from the sky
Fallen from the stars
They are the warriors
They are the saviors
They are the fireflies
They are the fireflies
In love they will return as star lights
In death they will return as star lights
In death they will return as star lights
Guardians of the righteous path
Guardians of the righteous light
Messengers of life: The fireflies
They are the stars
They are the stars
Fallen stars
When the green light
Loses its shine
When the flames of the fireflies
Loses its fading light
They will return to the heavens
Return to the sky
Like the legend of phoenix
Hope reborn with light
The promised hope in the starry night

3.“The Black Moth”
There’s love for the darkness
Love for their own kind
There’s hate for them too
Hate for the enemies
The black moth are born from shadows
The black moth will die into shadows
Shadowed in the forms of Black moths
The flee with flight
Then rebirth when died
As shadows of the Night(Light)
We are born from the darkness
Molded into the night
We will live within the cycle
We are the black moths
We are the black moths
Borne out of the shadows
As we live and die
As shadows of the dark nights
Different eyes
Sees a different world
If it never was
How can one say anything at all
Who to tell from right and wrong
When both light and dark are the purest
When all weapons only hinder
When all pride could only be humble
When you no longer look back
I will still follow
We are born from the darkness
Molded into the night
We will live within the cycle
We are the black moths
We are the black moths
Borne out of the shadows
As we live and die
As shadows of the dark nights
He doesn’t need love
To live lovely
He doesn’t need light
To feel proud
Just the opposite light
Just a prodigy’s right
Bravery in the darkness
For no one’s praises
When the light comes
In the last minute
We will vanish in peace
We are born from the darkness
Molded into the night
We will live within the cycle
We are the black moths
We are the black moths
Borne out of the shadows
As we live and die
As shadows of the dark nights
We are born from the darkness
Molded into the night
We will live within the cycle
We are the black moths
We are the black moths
Borne out of the shadows
As we live and die
As shadows of the dark nights


4.“The Red Firefly”
Born between light and darkness
I am an outsider
To this world
To time
To death
To darkness
To light
I am Andorhous
A messenger with a mission
To save time
I am Andorhous
The Red Firefly
The result of a mistake in time
I was born between two worlds
Birthed in Night and Light
I am the red firefly
I am the Hero of Time
I am Andorhous
The Red Firefly
The Red Firefly
The Red Firefly
Because of my birth
The Goddess of Time
Helyhna was never born
Time returns
and
All will die
At the Final Battle
Between Light and Dark
I am Andorhous
An error that brought the world’s end
I am Andorhous
I need to stop my birth
I was born between two worlds
Birthed in Night and Light
I am the red firefly
I am the Hero of Time
I am Andorhous
The Red Firefly
The Red Firefly
The Red Firefly
For I am an outsider
I can see what they refuse to believe
I understand the beginning
I understand the end
I understand the mistake I made
I am Andorhous
I will make my sacrifice
I am Andorhous
I will use a moment to bring back eternity
I will use a moment to bring back Immortality
I was born between two worlds
Birthed in Night and Light
I am the red firefly
I am the Hero of Time
I am Andorhous
The Red Firefly
The Red Firefly
The Red Firefly
I was born between two worlds
Birthed in Night and Light
I am the red firefly
I am the Hero of Time
I am Andorhous
The Red Firefly
The Red Firefly
The Red Firefly
5.“Guardian of Time”
Helyhna
The Goddess of Light
The Guardian of Time
The Eternal Angel
She was suppose to be born
At the beginning of time
To end time
She is the princess of
The Firefly Queen and King
She stopped and imprisoned time
So life lives
Eternally
However, a mistake made in time
A mysterious red light fallen from the sky
Suddenly raced toward the palace
And caused another creation to emerge
Instead
That creation was Andorhous
He who was birthed between dark and light
Where are you, Guardian?
Where are you, Helyhna
Instead Andorhous Born
Born from Darkness and Light
Torn from Darkness and Light
Where’s the Guardian
Where’s our Guardian
She who’s the Guardian
She who’s our Guardian
Guardian of Time
Thunder roaring
Clouds soaring
Endless darkness
Endless blood
Tearing the sky
Tearing time
When blood flows to the edge of the river death
When corrosion follows the dark end
No knights to guard
No light at the rim of the clouds
Listen to the people mourning
Look at the innocent withering
Who will protect us
Who will lead us out of the darkness
Where are you, Guardian?
Where are you, Helyhna
Instead Andorhous Born
Born from Darkness and Light
Torn from Darkness and Light
Where’s the Guardian
Where’s our Guardian
She who’s the Guardian
She who’s our Guardian
Guardian of Time
The sky darkening
Worlds Ending
Endless battles
Endless wounds
Battle to the end
Judgement at the end
Only the guardian Angel
Can bring peace back to the motherland
Where are you, Guardian?
Where are you, Helyhna
Instead Andorhous Born
Born from Darkness and Light
Torn from Darkness and Light
Where’s the Guardian
Where’s our Guardian
She who’s the Guardian
She who’s our Guardian
Guardian of Time
Where are you, Guardian?
Where are you, Helyhna
Instead Andorhous Born
Born from Darkness and Light
Torn from Darkness and Light
Where’s the Guardian
Where’s our Guardian
She who’s the Guardian
She who’s our Guardian
Guardian of Time

6.“The Choice”
Parallel universe
Another timeline
Helyhna
She said to me
Because of my Transtemporal birth
She doesn’t exist in my world
Because of the appearance of time
Eternity will die
Because of the Final Battle of Dark and Light
All will die
Because of me, the Red Firefly
Death or Imprisonment
What Do I choose
What Do I choose
Helyhna or Darkness
What do I do
What do I do
“Just an insect among life
What could I do
If all dies
I too will meet my demise”
Helyhna said calmly
“You can stop your birth”
“You will go back
Stop that falling red light
In the paradox
One version of you will die
And this you will be my imprisoned time.”
Death or Imprisonment
What Do I choose
What Do I choose
Helyhna or Darkness
What do I do
What do I do
Death or Imprisonment
What Do I choose
What Do I choose
Helyhna or Darkness
What do I do
What do I do

7.“The Final Battle”
In my hesitance
The sky
Marauded
The shadows of dark and light
Leaving only a rip of emptiness
Nothingless
In space and Time
The stars are shutting down their lights
The black moths and shadows are swallowed alive
All creatures are torn between
The ocean of sea and blood
I have decided
I stand corrected
I will bring back peace
I will bring back eternity
For the Guardian of Time
For the Guardian of Time
When silence in the air
Are broken by the screams of Darkness
When the remaining brightness
Are swallowed by the rip
In space and time
When two worlds are being swallowed by emptiness
I have decided
I stand corrected
I will bring back peace
I will bring back eternity
For the Guardian of Time
For the Guardian of Time
But, I could only remember Her
The guardian of time
I remember her countenance
I remember her pleading helplessness
I decided to go back to the beginning of time
Prevent my erred birth
Stop the mysterious red light
And
Return the Guardian
To Eternal Life
I have decided
I stand corrected
I will bring back peace
I will bring back eternity
For the Guardian of Time
For the Guardian of Time
I have decided
I stand corrected
I will bring back peace
I will bring back eternity
For the Guardian of Time
For the Guardian of Time

8.“I will stop time”


There’s only this way
An inevitable way
Yielding or fearing
Which is the tragic flaw
You look through the world
With a layer of tears
and have chosen the way
Because only through this choice
You see beauty of the eternal days
For love and For time
For darkness and for Light
I will create my unbirth
I will stop Time
I will stop Time
I will stop Time
For the Guardian
The Guardian of Time
I still remember Helyhna’s words
Prisoner or Freedom
Why choose Imprisonment
Because you don’t just have the darkness
But also the conscience of the light
You will always be an outsider to
Both dark and light
But you
You are Time
And I
I am the guardian of time
For love and For time
For darkness and for Light
I will create my unbirth
I will stop Time
I will stop Time
I will stop Time
For the Guardian
The Guardian of Time
For love and For time
For darkness and for Light
I will create my unbirth
I will stop Time
I will stop Time
I will stop Time
For the Guardian
The Guardian of Time

9.“The Prisoner of Life”
Andorhous lives beyond time
I can travel through time and space
Because I’m living within the error of eternity
Because I am that error
I am the limit, I am time
I flew toward the birth of Helyhna
To wait for the falling red light
When I finally realized
I am that red light
I caused my birth
I Surrender I Yield to Eternity
I am Time as I stopped Time
I am Time An anomaly
I am Time A Prisoner
Prisoner of Helyhna
The Guardian
My Guardian
Guardian of Time
Guardian of Life
I suddenly stopped flying
I finally realized that in this
Wheel of a storyline
I am that cause of abnormality
I caused my erred birth
Now that Helyhna’s safe born
I stayed in this timeline
And
Became Time
Or
Prisoner of Helyhna
The Guardian of Time
I Surrender I Yield to Eternity
I am Time as I stopped Time
I am Time An anomaly
I am Time A Prisoner
Prisoner of Helyhna
The Guardian
My Guardian
Guardian of Time
Guardian of Life
I am the narrator
I am the protagonist
I am the villain
I am the hero
I am Time
I am the prisoner of
The Guardian of Time
I Surrender I Yield to Eternity
I am Time as I stopped Time
I am Time An anomaly
I am Time A Prisoner
Prisoner of Helyhna
The Guardian
My Guardian
Guardian of Time
Guardian of Life
I Surrender I Yield to Eternity
I am Time as I stopped Time
I am Time An anomaly
I am Time A Prisoner
Prisoner of Helyhna
The Guardian
My Guardian
Guardian of Time
Guardian of Life
Pauline Morris Mar 2016
Floating on the sea of abnormality
Standing on the bow with so much empathy
And still at the same time watching the skys anxiously
Maybe i am just an abnormality
Because I don't view the world angrily
Even tho what's been inflicted upon me is blasphemy
I see things so very clearly
The fabric of our world is a tapestry
It's woven togeather so perfectly
Only the strongest of us live our time in agony
Those in the abyss view the world so differently
For some of us this is no fantasy
But this doesn't need to be a catastrophe
If you just look at it rationally
In the rabbit hole we learn empathy
While others wander around aimlessly
And on that day we escape gravity
We will be granted amnesty
Akemi Apr 2017
Awhile ago, I had been at a party. I’d listened to someone talk about Kate Moss for ten minutes straight. I left the room, found my flatmate and asked why anyone was interested in anything at all. We’d come up with no answers.

All this started a month ago, and all that started long before. I will not bore you with trite aphorisms about how I survived, or how wondrous life has become since. At some point my mind broke. This is a collection of memories about my attempted suicide and the absurdity of the entire experience.

Wednesday, 26th of April, 2017, midnight.

Couldn’t sleep. Surfed the internet. Fell into ASMR sub-culture.[1] Meta-satire, transitioning to post-irony, before pseudo-spiritual out-of-body transcendence. I thought, *this is the most ****** experience I’ve had in half a decade
, while a woman spun spheres of blobby jelly around my head and whispered elephant mourning rituals into my ears.

Tuesday, 27th of April, 2017, afternoon.

Woke up mid-day. Looked at all the objects in my room, unable to understand why any of them mattered. Milled around the flat. Went online to order helium so I could make an exit bag.[2] Cheapest source was The Warehouse, though the helium came with thirty bright multi-coloured party balloons. I kept imagining one of my flatmates walking in later that day, seeing my crumpled body surrounded by these floppy bits of rubber and a note saying this life is absurd and I want out of it. There was no online purchasing option, however, and I couldn’t be bothered walking into town. I began reading suicide notes. One was from a kid who’d slowly taken pills as he watched TV, culminating in a coma. That sounds pleasant, I thought, whilst at the same time knowing that it takes up to three days to die from painkillers and that the process is anything but painless or final. I opened my drawer, found a bunch of paracetamol and began washing them down with water, whilst listening to the soundtrack of End of Evangelion.[3]

I’m not sure why, but I began crying violently. I knew I’d have to leave the flat before my flatmates came home. I hastily scrawled a note that said, donate my body, give my money to senpai, give my possessions to someone I don’t know, it smells like burning, it was good knowing you all, before walking out the door with Komm Süsser Tod playing in the background.[4, 5] I’d already written my personal and political reasons for suicide in the pieces méconnaissance[6] and **** Yourself,[7] so felt there was no reason for anything more substantial.

I wandered the back roads of my neighbourhood. My body shook. I felt somnolent, half-dazed. I wanted a quiet place to sit, sleep and writhe in agony while my organs slowly failed. My legs kept stumbling, however, and my head was beginning to feel funny. I found a dead-end street and sat on one of those artificially maintained rectangles of grass. There was a black cat lying in the middle of the road, just bobbing its head at me. I zoned out for a bit and when I came to a giant orange cat was to my left, gazing intently into my teary face. I tried to refocus on my crotch. I couldn’t help but notice a white cat across the road, pretending not to be seen. It had a dubious look on its face, a countenance of guilt. What the hell was going on? A delivery person looped round the street. People returned home from work. Garage doors opened, cars drove down driveways. Here I was, slowly dying, surrounded by spooky ******* cats and the bustle of ordinary existence.

“Uh, hey. You look, uh, like something isn’t . . . do you need, uh, help?” a woman asked, crossing the street with a pram to reach me. I groaned.

“It’s just that, you know, ordinarily, um, I mean normally, people don’t sit on the sidewalk,” she continued, glancing down with the half-confused look of a concerned citizen who is trying to enter a situation outside of their usual experience. I mumbled something indistinct and went back to staring at my crotch.

“You know, I can, er . . . I can . . . I can’t really help,” she ended, awkwardly. “I have a daughter to look after, but . . . if you’re still here when she’s asleep . . . I’m the red fence.” She darted off without another word.

Had she wanted me off the sidewalk because it was abnormal to sit there, or had she seen the abnormality as a sign of something deeper? Either way, she’d used abnormality as a signifier of negative change. Deviancy as something to be corrected, realigned with some norm that co-exists with happiness and citizenship. I was being a bad citizen.

I thought, I miss those cats. At least they had judged me in silence. Wait, what the hell am I thinking? This is clearly a case of deviancy associated with negative feelings. Well, negative feelings, but not necessarily negative change. Suicide is only negative if one views life as intrinsically worthwhile

I could hear pram lady in the distance. She was talking to someone who’d just come back from work. They thanked pram lady and began moving towards me. Arghggh, just let me die, I thought.

She introduced herself as a nurse. From her tone and approach, it was clear she’d handled many cases like me. I’ve never hated counselling techniques. They seemed to at least trouble neoliberal rhetoric. There is little mention of overcoming, or striving, or perfecting oneself into a being of pure success. Rather, counselling seemed to be about listening and piercing together the other’s perspective. Counsellors tended not to interject words of comfort. They’d tell you mental illness was lifelong and couldn’t be fixed. They’re the closest society has to positive pessimists. Of course, they’d still want you to get better. Better, as in, not attempting suicide.

I talked with nurse lady for an hour about how life is simply passing. Passing through oneself, passing through others, passing through spaces, thoughts and emotions. About how the majority of life seems to be lived in a beyond we’ll never reach. Potential futures, moments of relief, phantasies we create to escape the dull present. About how I’d been finding my media and politics degree really rewarding, but some part of my head broke and I lost all ability to focus and care. About how the more I learnt about the world, the less capable I felt of changing it, and that change was a narcissistic day dream, anyway.

She replied “We’re all cogs. But what’s wrong with being a cog? Even a cog can make changes,” and I thought, but never one’s own.

She gave me a ride to the emergency clinic because I was too apathetic and guilt-ridden to decline. Why are people so nice over things that don’t matter? Chicks are ground into chicken nuggets alive.[8] The meat-industry produces 50% of the world’s carbon emissions.[9] But someone sits on the side of the road in a bourgeois neighbourhood and suddenly you have cats and nurses worried sick over your ****** up head. I should have worn a hobo coat and sat in town.

Tuesday, 27th of April, 2017, evening.

I had forgotten how painful waiting rooms were. It was stupidly ironic. I’d entered this apathetic suicidal stupor because I’d wanted to escape the monotony of existence, yet here I was, sitting in a waiting room, counting the stains on the ceiling, while the reception TV streamed a hospital drama.

“Get his *** in there!”

“Time is the real killer.”

“It wasn’t the cancer that was terminal, it was you.”

Zoom in on doctor face man.

Everybody hugging.

Emergency waiting rooms are a lot like life. You don’t choose to be there. An accident simply occurs and then you’re stuck, watching a show about *** cancer and family bonding. Sometimes someone coughs and you become aware of your own body again. You remember that you exist outside of media, waiting in this sterile space on a painfully too small plastic chair. You deliberately avoid the glances of everyone else in the room because you don’t want to reduce their existence to an injury, a pulsing wound, a lack, nor let them reduce you the same. The accident that got you here left you with a blank spot in your head, but the nurses reassure you that you’ll be up soon, to whatever it is you’re here for. And so, with nothing else to do, you turn back to the TV and forget you exist.

I thought, I should have taken more pills and gone into the woods.

The ER was a Kafkaeque realm of piercing lights, sleepy interns and too narrow privacy curtains.[10] Every time a nurse would try to close one, they’d pull it too far to one side, opening the other side up. Like the self, no bed was fully enclosed. There were always gaps, spaces of viewing, windows into trauma, and like the objet petit a, there was always the potential of meeting another’s gaze, one just like yours, only, out of your control.

I lay amidst a drone of machinery, footsteps and chatter. I stared at ceiling stains. Every hour or so a different nurse would approach me, repeat the same ten questions as the one before, then end commenting awkwardly on my tattoos. I kept thinking, what is going on? Have I finally died and become integrated into some eternally recurring limbo hell where, in a state of complete apathy and deterioration, some devil approaches me every hour to ask, why did you take those pills?

Do I have to repeat my answer for the rest of my life?

I gazed at the stain to my right. That was back in ‘92 when the piping above burst on a particularly wintry day. I shifted my gaze. And that happened in ‘99 when an intern tripped holding a giant cup of coffee. Afterwards, everyone began calling her Trippy. She eventually became a surgeon and had four adorable bourgeois kids. Tippy Tip Tap Toop.

The nurses began covering my body with little pieces of paper and plastic, to which only one third were connected to an ECG monitor.[11] Every ten minutes or so the monitor would begin honking violently, to which (initially) no one would respond to. After an hour or so a nurse wandered over with a worried expression, poked the machine a little, then asked if I was experiencing any chest pains. Before I could answer, he was intercepted by another nurse and told not to worry. His expression never cleared up, but he went back to staring blankly into a computer terminal on the other end of the room.

There were two security guards awkwardly trying not to meet anyone’s gazes. They were out of place and they knew it. No matter what space they occupied, a nurse would have to move past them to reach some medical doodle or document. One nurse jokingly said, “It’s ER. If you’re not moving you’re in the way,” to which the guards chortled, shuffled a metre or so sideways, before returning to standing still.

I checked my phone.

“Got veges.”

“If you successfully **** yourself, you’ll officially be the biggest right-wing neoliberal piece of ****.”[12]

“Your Text Unlimited Combo renewed on 28 Apr at 10:41. Nice!”

I went back to staring at the ceiling.

Six hours later, one of the nurses came over and said “Huh, turns out there’s nothing in your blood. Nothing . . . at all.” Another pulled out my drip and disconnected me from the ECG monitor. “Well, you’re free to leave.”

Tuesday, 27th of April, 2017, midnight.

I wandered over to the Emergency Psychiatric Services. The doctor there was interested in setting up future supports for my ****** up mind. He mentioned anti-depressants and I told him that in the past they hadn’t really worked, that it seemed more related to my general political outlook, that this purposeless restlessness has been with me most of my life, and that no drug or counselling could cure the lack innate to existence which is exacerbated by our current political and cultural institutions.

He replied “Are you one of those anti-druggers? You know there’s been a lot of backlash against psychiatry, it’s really the cultural Zeitgeist of our times, but it’s all led by misinformation, scaremongering.”

I hesitated, before replying “I’m not anti-drugs, I just don’t think you can change my general hatred of existence.”

“Okay, okay, I’m not trying to argue with your outlook, but you’re simply stuck in this doom and gloom phase—”

Whoa, wait a ******* minute. You’re not trying to argue with my outlook, while completely discounting my outlook as simply a passing emotional state? This guy is a ******* *******, I thought, ragging on about anti-druggers while pretending not to undermine a political and social position I’d spent years researching and building up. I stopped paying attention to him. Yes, a lot of my problems are internal, but I’m more than a disembodied brain, biologically computing chemical data.

At the end of his rant, he said something like “You’re a good kid,” and I thought, ******* too.

Friday, 28th of April, 2017, morning.

The next day I met a different doctor. I gave him a brief summary of my privileged life culminating in a ****** metaphor about three metaphysical pillars which lift me into the tempestuous winds of existential dread and nihilistic apathy. One, my social anxiety. Two, my absurd existence. Three, my political outlook. One, anxiety: I cannot relate to small talk. The gaze of the other is a gaze of expectations. Because I cannot know these expectations, I will never live up to them. Communication is by nature, lacking. Two, absurdity: Existence is a meaningless repetition of arbitrary structures we ourselves construct, then forget. Reflexivity is about uncovering this so that we may escape structures we do not like. We inevitably fall into new structures, prejudices and artifices. Nothing is authentic, nothing is innocent and nothing is your self. Three, politics: I am trapped in a neoliberal capitalist monstrosity that creates enough produce to feed the entire world, but does not do so due to the market’s instrumental need for profit. The system, in other words, rewards capitalists who are ruthless. Any capitalist trying to bring about change, will necessarily have to become ruthless to reach a position of power, and therefore will fail to bring about change.

The doctor nodded. He thought deeply, tried to piece it all together, then finally said “Yes, society is quite terrifying. This is something we cannot control. There are things out there that will harm you and the political situation of our time is troubling.”

I was astounded. This was one of the first doctors who’d actually taken what I’d said and given it consideration. Sure we hadn’t gotten into a length discussion of socialism, feminism or veganism, but they also hadn’t simply collapsed my political thoughts into my depressive state.

“But you know, there are still niches of meaning in this world. Though the greater structures are overbearing, people can still find purpose enacting smaller changes, connecting in ephemeral ways.”

What was I hearing? Was this a postmodern doctor?[13] Was science reconnecting with the humanities?

“We may even connect your third pillar, that of the political, with your second pillar and see that the political situation of our time is absurd. This is unfortunate, but as for your first pillar, this is definitely something we can help you with. In fact, it’s quite a simple process, helping one deal with social anxiety, and to me, it sounds like this anxiety has greatly affected your life for the past few years.”

The doctor then asked for my gender and sexuality, to which after I hesitated a little, he said, it didn’t really matter seeing as it was all constructed, anyway. For being unable to feel much at all, I was ecstatic. I thought, how could this doctor be working in the same building as the previous one I’d met? We went into anti-depressant plans. He told me that their effects were unpredictable. They may lift my mood, they may do nothing at all, they may even make me feel worse. Nobody really knew what molecular pathways serotonin activated, but it sometimes pulled people out of circular ways of thinking. And dopamine, well, taken in too high a dose, could make you psychotic.

Sign me the **** up, I thought, gazing at my new medical hero. These are the kinds of non-assurances that match my experience of life. Trust and expectations lead only to disappointment. Give me pure insurmountable doubt.

Friday, 28th of April, 2017, afternoon.

“The drugs won’t be too long,” the pharmacist said before disappearing into the back room. I milled around th
1. Autonomous sensory meridian response is a tingling sensation triggered by auditory cues, such as whispering, rustling, tapping, or crunching.
2. An exit bag is a DIY apparatus used to asphyxiate oneself with an inert gas. This circumvents the feeling of suffocation one experiences through hanging or drowning.
3. Neon Genesis Evangelion is a psychoanalytic deconstruction of the mecha genre, that ends with the entire human race undergoing ego death and returning to the womb.
4. Komm Süsser Tod is an (in)famous song from End of Evangelion that plays after the main character, who has become God, decides that the only way to end all the loneliness and suffering in the world is for everyone to die.
5. Senpai is a Japanese term for someone senior to you, whom you respect. It is also an anime trope.
6. https://hellopoetry.com/poem/1936097/meconnaissance/
7. https://thesleepofreason.com/2017/04/04/****-yourself/
8. See Earthlings.
9. See Cowspiracy.
10. Franz Kafka was an existentialist writer from the 20th century who wrote about alienation, anxiety and absurdity.
11. Electrocardiography monitors measure one’s heart rate through electrodes attached to the skin.
12. Neoliberalism is both an economic and cultural regime. Economically, it is about deregulating markets so that government services can be privatised, placed into the hands of transnational corporations, who, because of their global positioning, can more easily circumvent nation-state policies, and thereby place pressure on states that require their services through the threat of departure. Culturally, it is about reframing social issues into individual issues, so that individuals are held responsible for their failures, rather than the social circumstances surrounding them. As a victim-blaming discourse, it depicts all people equal and equally capable, regardless of socio-economic status. All responsibility lies on the individual, rather than the state, society or culture that cultivated their subjectivity.
13. Postmodernism is a movement that critiques modernism’s epistemological totalitarianism, colonial humanism and utopian visions of progress. It emphasises instead the fragmented, ephemeral and embodied human experience, incapable of capture in monolithic discourses that treat all humans as equal and capable of abstract authenticity. Because all objective knowledge is constructed out of subjective experience, the subject can never be effaced. Instead knowledge and power must be investigated as always coming from somewhere, someone and sometime.
shana Aug 2014
Picture here. Picture there.
Laughing out loud.
Making fun of each other.
Talking in weird accents.
Saying "hi" to people you don't even know.
Dancing in a store.
Singing loudly and horribly.
Or mainly the things that's normally embarrassing.

Those are the things we usually do.
Making those things with them is not a wasted time.
That's what you call PDA
Public Display of Abnormality

Because of my friends,
I didn't learned to smile whenever things go wrong
But I learned how to stand again and again.
I can't be me without them.
They are a piece of me.

**Having only one friend doesn't matter at all
As long as the friendship is true.
This is for my friends :)
Taiga Rawr May 2015
Not near-sighted; not far-sighted

Just blinded by stupidity
By rich inhumanity
Lack of love in society

Absence of insight; omission of outsight

Just censored curiosity
Loss of credibility
Condemned abnormality

Futures foresighted; actions unsighted

The past, no punctuality
Death by immortality
Buried from reality
There has been some contradiction and confusion on whether or not 'outsight' is actually a word. Through common knowledge and basic spellcheck, 'outsight' is not a word. But 'Dictionary.com' says that it is truly part of the English vocabulary. So believe what you want to believe.
Nik Bland Nov 2012
She is more than the world will give her credit for simply because it has believed it's overcome her
Taking out the odds and making them even but she's an oddity that I believe in
See her as she flies her song onto yonder tightrope, balancing every note on thin wire
A girl who find life's a three ring thing filled with children, so you might as well have fun as you interact

She is something of a wild thing that can't be tamed and a thing whose name I can't seem to think of
A wonder in herself by a God who just said "What the heck" and made an angel with technicolor wings
Hear each letter as it falls upon the silver page and scribbled in bronze inside her golden notebook
The silent river that runs deep careening into life and love, roaring at the end into the sea

She is someone who deserves the very best of things, though worst may come, she never lets you down
Thinking of most thoughts that go unthunk by highly trained thinkers, thanking the people in her mind
Know she sees you passing by and winks with a glance, a chance you'll get before she passes by
Wandering to find something which she may not be looking for, a truth inside a door which is key

She is not one who will cry over the simplest of things, but when she cries, her eyes unleash a storm
So she may be the reason raindrops are falling on my head from a leaking ceiling in my cabin warm
Feel each heartbeat as it generates a moment when a silver tear may escape her soul's window
She is no ordinary girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, but buries it in hopes something may grow
paige May 2013
I deliberate
You reiterate
It completely exhilarates
Me.
You eviscerate
My heart
From my chest
Like a secret art.
Before I know it
I'm exposed
Nothing left disclosed,
Nothing left to hide
And then you
Roll away, like the tide
Leaving me ashore
With nothing more
Than an empty
Chest cavity,
An abnormality.

As I stand there
In despair
you drift away
To another land
Where another girl
Will just as easily
Give you her hand,
Without knowing
That she'll never withstand
Your ever rolling tides.
And that she'll never be able
To get rid of the pain that subsides
Once you've stripped her
Down like you did I.

I'd cry
But I don't have a heart
To even really feel this goodbye.
Gita Ashok Oct 2011
A widespread condition
related to nutrition
is lactose intolerance
that is in essence
the inability to digest and assimilate
the milk sugar-lactose-the substrate
that is acted upon by lactase-
the specific enzyme
over a period of time.
This may happen suddenly
and generally
at any age most unexpectedly.

Lactose intolerance
is caused by the absence
of the enzyme lactase
that breaks down lactose
to the simple sugars-
glucose and galactose.
The condition may be
secondary,  congenital,
or developmental.

Secondary lactose intolerance
invariably has its occurrence
related to a gastrointestinal infection
and its disappearance
is linked to the causative factor’s correction.
This type of intolerance-
(certainly a nuisance)
is reversible
if we are a bit careful.

Congenital lactose intolerance,
an inherited form of intolerance,
is a rare genetic  abnormality
that one can unearth
soon after an infant’s birth.
This need not cause any fear
as it lasts only half a year.

Developmental lactose intolerance
also known as primary  intolerance
is one wherein the enzyme synthesis
is progressively less
during childhood
and this persists into adulthood.

Gita Ashok
24/10/2011, 2 pm
i dreamed a rattlesnake was loose in the closet i heard it rattling i was afraid to open the door



a man suffering a toothache goes to see his dentist the dentist administers laughing gas when the man comes to his numb tongue swooshes around his mouth he asks how long was i under the dentist answers hours i needed to pull them all out



he imagines when he grows old there will be a pencil grown into one hand and a paintbrush grown into the other they will look like extra fingers grown out from the palms extensions of his personal evolution little children will be horrified when they see mommy mommy look at that man’s hands!



what if we are each presented with a complete picture of a puzzle from the very start then as our lives proceed the pieces begin showing up out of context sometimes recognizable other times a mystery some people are smarter more intuitive than others and are able to piece together the bigger picture some people never figure it out



i wasn’t thinking i didn’t know to think nobody taught me to think maybe my teachers tried but i didn’t get it i wasn’t thinking i was running reacting doing whatever i needed to survive when you’re trying to survive you move fast by instinct you don’t think you just act



many children are relieved when their parents die then they no longer need to explain prove themselves live up to their parent’s expectations yet all children need parents to approve foster mentor teach love



she was missing especially when her children needed her most she was busy lunching with girlfriends dinner dates beauty shop manicure masseuse appointments shopping seamstress fittings constant telephone gossiping criticizing she was too busy to notice she was missing more than anything she wanted to party show off her beauty to be the adored one the hostess with the mostest



i dreamed i was condemned to die by guillotine the executioner wore black and wielded an axe just in case the device failed in the dream the guillotine sliced shallow then the executioner went to work but he kept chopping unsuccessfully severing my head this went on for a long time



1954 Max Schwartzpilgrim sits at table in coffee shop on 5th floor of Maller’s Building elevated train loudly passes as he glances out window it is typical gloomy gray Chicago day he worries how he will find the money to pay off all his mounting debts he is over his head in debit thinks about taking out a hefty life insurance policy then cleverly killing himself but he cherishes his lovely wife Jenny his young children and social life sitting across table Ernie Cohen cracks crass joke Max laughs politely yet is in no mood to encourage his fingers work nervously mutely drumming on Formica table then stubbing out cigarette in glass ashtray lighting another with gold Dunhill lighter bitter tastes of coffee and cigarettes turns his stomach sour he raises his hand calling over Millie the waitress he flirtatiously smiles orders bowl of matzo ball soup with extra matzo ball Ernie says you can’t have enough big ***** for this world Max thinks about his son Odysseus



when Odysseus is very young Dad occasionally brings him to Schwartzpilgrim’s Jewelers Store on Saturday mornings Dad shows off his firstborn son like a prize possession lifting Odysseus in the air Dad takes him to golf range golf is not an interest for Odysseus Dad pushes him to learn proper swing Odysseus fumbles golf club and ***** he loves going anyway because he appreciates spending time with Dad once Dad and Odysseus take shower together Dad is so life-size muscular hairy Odysseus is so little Dad reaches touches Odysseus’s ******* feeling lone ******* Dad says we’ll correct that make it right Odysseus does not understand what Dad is talking about at finish Dad turns up cold water and shields Odysseus with his body he watches Dad dressing in mornings Dad is persnickety to last details of French cuff links silk handkerchief in breast pocket even Dad’s fingernails toenails are manicured buffed shiny clear



Odysseus’s left ******* does not descend into his ******* the adults in extended family routinely want to inspect the abnormality Mom shows them sometimes Dad grows agitated and leaves room it is embarrassing for Odysseus Daddy Lou’s brother Uncle Maury wants to check it out too often like he thinks he is a doctor Uncle Maury is an optometrist the pediatrician theorizes the tangled ******* is possibly the result of a hormone fertility drug Mom took to get pregnant the doctor injects Odysseus with a hormone shot then prescribes several medications to induce the ****** to drop nothing works eventually an inguinal hernia is diagnosed around the age of 9 Odysseus is operated on for a hernia and the ******* surgically moved down into his ******* the doctor says ******* is dead warning of propensity to cancer later in life his left ball is smaller than his right but it is more sensitive and needy he does not understand what the doctor means by “dead” Odysseus fears he will be made fun of he is self-conscious in locker room he does not comprehend for the rest of his life he will carry a diminutive *****



spokin alloud by readar in caulkknee axescent ello we’re Biggie an Smally tha 2 testicles whoooh liv in tha ******* of this felloh Odys Biggie is the soyze of a elthy chicken aegg and Smally is the size of a modest Bing cheery



one breast ****** points northeast the other smaller breast ****** points southwest she is frightened to reveal them to any man frightened to be exposed in woman’s locker room she is the most beautiful girl/woman he will ever know



Bayli Moutray is French/Irish 5’8” lean elongated with bowed legs knobby knees runner’s calves slim hips boy’s shoulders sleepy blue eyes light brown hair a barely discernable freckled birthmark on back of neck and small unequal ******* with puffy ******* pointing in different directions Laura an ex-girlfriend of Odysseus’s describes Bayli’s appearance as “a gangly bird screeching to be fed” Laura can be mean Odysseus thinks Bayli is the coolest girl in the world he is genuinely in love with her they have been sleeping together for nearly a year it is March 11 1974 Bayli’s birthday she turns 22 today Bayli is away with her family in Southeast Asia Odysseus understands what a great opportunity this is for her to learn about another culture he knows Bayli plans to meet up again with him in late summer or autumn in Chicago Dad wants Odysseus to follow in his footsteps and become a successful jewelry salesman he offers Odysseus a well-paying job driving leased Camaro across the Midwest servicing Dad’s established costume jewelry accounts Odysseus reasons it is a chance to squirrel away some cash until Bayli returns it is lonely on the road and awkward adjustment to be back in Chicago Odysseus made other plans after graduating from Hartford Art School he is going to be an important painter after numerous months and many Midwestern cities he begins to feel depressed he questions how Bayli can stay away for so long when he needs her so bad the Moutray’s send Mom and Dad a gift of elegant pewter candleholders made in Indonesia Mom accustomed to silver and gold excludes pewter to be put on display she instructs Teresa to place the candleholders away in a cabinet Mom also neglects to write a thank you note which is quite out of character for Mom Bayli’s father is a Navy Captain in the Pacific he is summoned to Norfolk Naval Station in Virginia the Moutray’s flight has a stopover in Chicago Bayli writes her parents want to meet Odysseus and his family Odysseus asks Dad to arrange his traveling itinerary around the Moutray’s visit Dad schedules Odysseus to service the Detroit and Michigan territory against Odysseus’s pleas Odysseus is living with his sister Penelope on Briar Street it is the only address Bayli’s parents know Odysseus has no way to reach them when the Moutray’s arrive at the door Penelope does not know what to tell them Mom and Dad are not interested in meeting Bayli’s parents it is not the first sign of dissatisfaction or disinterest Mom and Dad convey regarding Bayli Odysseus does not understand why his parents do not like her is it because Bayli is not Jewish is that the sole reason Mom and Dad do not approve of her Odysseus believes he needs his parent’s support he knows he is not like them and will likely never adopt their standards yet he values their consent they are his parents and he honors Mom and Dad let’s take a step back for a moment to get a different perspective a more serious matter is Odysseus’s financial dependency on his parents does a commitment to Bayli threaten the sheltered world his parent’s provide him is it merely money binding him to them why else is he so powerless to his parent’s control outwardly he appears a wild child yet inwardly he is somewhat timid is he cowardly is he unsure of Bayli’s strength and sustainability is that why he let’s Bayli go whatever the reason Dad’s and Mom’s pressure and influence are strong enough to sway his judgment he goes along with their authority losing Bayli is the greatest mistake of Odysseus’s life



he dreams Bayli and he are at a Bob Dylan concert they are hidden in the back of the theater in a dark hall they can hear the band playing Dylan’s voice singing and the echoes of the mesmerized audience Odysseus is ******* Bayli’s body against a wall she is quietly moaning his hand is inside her jeans feeling her wetness rubbing fingers between her legs after the show they hang around an empty lot filled with broken bottles loose bricks they run into Dylan all 3 are laughing and dancing down the sidewalk Dylan is incredibly playful and engaging he says he needs to run an errand not wanting to leave his company Odysseus and Bayli follow along they arrive at an old hospital building it is dark and dingy inside there is a large room filled with medical beds and water tanks housing unspeakably disfigured people swarming intravenous tubes attach the patients to oxygen equipment feed bags and monitoring machines Dylan moves between each victim like a compassionate ambassador Odysseus is freaking out the infirmary is too horrible to imagine he shields his eyes wanders away losing Bayli searching running frantically for a way out he wakes shivering and sweating the pillow is wet sheets twisted he gets up from the bed stares out window into the dark night he wonders where he lost Bayli



these winds of change let them come sailor home from sea hunter home from hill he who can create the worst terror is the greatest warrior
PrttyBrd Jun 2010
The blue rain of obscurity
Blurs the edges of reality
Turns a deluge of insecurity
Into fissures of abnormality
And disappointed purity
that decays the personality
copyright©PrttyBrd 14/06/2010- From Sunset to Sunrise
Raynor Feb 2010
Always hold onto the truth,
Don't let other sway your heart.
Don't compramise yourself,
For the sake of temporial grooviness.
Be deeply funky,
Be seperate from the crowd.
Thats awashed with normality,
By standing on a firm foundation.
Never waiver your love of faith,
In all that you do.
Margaret Jul 2014
The puzzle is never solved.
They are looked at and pointed at
by children who don't know
that we're supposed to pity them.

Oh Son, Oh Daughter
they have Autism!
Oh, I feel so bad!


The straight jackets and shocks
have turned to stares and mocks.

They didn't to choose to be born this way
a piece of a puzzle that doesn't fit.

We look at them and thank God that its
not us.
Its not me.
But the indifference doesn't work.
We thank God that its not us.

But do we ever feel any empathy?
If you could imagine having a retardation
never really fully understanding anything

A chromosomal abnormality that would
affect your whole life forever.

Having to be watched
always having someone taking care of you
you would never have any independence.

Autism seemed to be their name
"he's Autistic"
It wasn't their name.
There is much more to them.

These people used to be tortured
people thought that they had a demon inside of them
that we had to get out.

What we never realized was that
the real demon was us.
The puzzle metaphor is a symbol for the "Autism Speaks" Foundation.
Ugo Apr 2013
because we fell in love with the law
and fell out of love with ourselves.

because the ***** of great minds
wear pineapple fatigues in their fathers’ *******;

from Judas swallowing 9 bullets
to one day being a kid at heart
a symptom of some abnormality.

Ever get the feeling that you’ll die on a Tuesday?

Or one day wake up on their government bed
Screaming,
“you can blame the French Revolution
On silent reading!”

watching

as three teacups of *** plan war on the asphalt.
Travis Garcelon Nov 2010
To be abnormal in a normal world, is that so uncool? How about to be unjust in an unjust world? Surely then yes, for I am a fool. Not a fool so cruel, but a fool too cool to abide by societies rules. You see, it is the nature of man to be just as unjust as the unjust world, just as must as it is to be a fool, but not a foolish fool. Now you, you are a tool, for living the just life in an unjust world. You are the tool and I am the Utilitarian, and will use you to my advantage and private interests. That’s just how things go here in this structured place, meant to deface and interface yourself. Desensitize you to yourself; reduce yourself to a cheap exploitative commodity; a means for my planned robbery laid near a veneer of parliament armory. Society rules by the Golden Rule, and that is: Those with the gold are those who rule! Now who is the fool you tool?!
Pauline Morris Mar 2016
watching the skys anxiously
Maybe i am just an abnormality
Because I don't view the world angrily
Even tho what's been inflicted upon me is blasphemy
I see things so very clearly
The fabric of our world is a tapestry
It's woven togeather so perfectly
Only the strongest of us live our time in agony
Those in the abyss view the world so differently
For some of us this is no fantasy
But this doesn't need to be a catastrophe
If you just look at it rationally
In the rabbit hole we learn empathy
While others wander around aimlessly
And on that day we escape gravity
We will be granted amnesty
samara lael Mar 2019
why am i like this?
how do i scare everyone away?
i am your biggest fear, your phobia, the monster on the streets.
i paint my claws that i only ever hurt myself with.
my hair is a nest where nightmares hatch, & the mascara dries on my cheeks.
these eyes find the flaws, but they also see the scars and weep.
what? don’t you want to kiss me?  
or are my chapped lips too angsty?
do they say “crazy *itch” at you?  
do my endless questions also itch at your skin?
at least your skin seems comfortable.
but how dare i make this all about me, when we all go through the same.
right?

wrong.
because i am your drama queen.
i declare a set of rules, i keep records on what you say,
i write letters to your name & invest in you each day.
each day i put on my armour & climb the watch tower.
i see you on your horse.  
you are not the knight.  
but you shine regardless.
you earn the trust for you to enter the iron gates.
once you are in, the damage is done.  
it just takes your leave for me to feel the sword.
what hurts is that i tripped over it.  
my vulnerabilities were out  
in the open.
& you accidentally hurt me.
this, humans can’t promise not to do.

i am an addict.
i write my insecurities & my inabilities down,  
& my pride goes into poetry.
i do nothing about anything.
& i can’t.  
stop.
some would say it’s pathetic,  
how one can be so overwhelmed by the underwhelming,
how one can be so distraught by the daily doses of life.
if i accept it then i have given up my responsibility.
if i ignore it then it silently damages me & my capability.
if i address it i am holding on & i deny my viability.
whatever i do, it has won,  
& it has left me with nothing.

but that’s what a loser does.

sometimes i feel my feelings feel too much.
sometimes nothing makes sense.
sometimes it feels normal that nothing feels okay.
but that’s okay.
sometimes i stress about stressing about stress.
sometimes i hate my irrational abnormality.
sometimes i cry about my weakness.
but that has to be okay.

yes.
there isn’t a definitive answer to my questions.
there seems to be more struggles than strengths.
there isn’t a clear path, or a silver platter with a cure for me.
my clothes cover my cares like sugar coats the pills i swallow.
The pill being _.
but i make a choice.
a lot of the time it seems i don’t have one.
but i do.
sometimes i am influenced to make it,
but i do.
i do.
i always do.

always.

doctors and scientists are trying to find
the causes, effects, & answers.
i sleep & wait.
but instead we should be
talking
listening
trying
supporting
helping
fighting
& never ever letting go.

even if they prove it is part of my genetic makeup
i will wake up,
i will get up,
i will make up,
i will stay up,
&
i will help myself,
help others help myself,
help others help themselves,
& help others help others.
i will highlight my temples with wisdom & peace.
i will shadow my eyes with beauty & light.
i will paint my lips with humility & kindness.  

my genetics will not make up whether i give up or not.
they will not make up my mind,
or make up someone else’s.
my genetics are not choosing if i live or not.
suicide is not a choice.
suicide is not make-up.
suicide is not a gene.

& suicide  
will not take part  
in my genetic makeup.
PeacockBrain Mar 2012
Overwhelmed by the normality
Don't fit in, stuck with abnormality
Such a strong fatality
To be faced with no personality
12-8-11
Emanuel Martinez Feb 2013
To have learned a lot about identity, and self-negation, and alternative identities, and what it means to be an indigene, and Afro-adjacent and the concept of eurocentrism, and ideals of appearance and how they are appropriated by deliberate power structures who seek to marginalize and condemn to maintain circles of dominance…To know that we don't live outside of those circles.

It’s understandable that you've waivered over who you thought was attractive or not...naturally you are not outside of those circles of influence...and some days they put a gloss over you and might for a while convince you that we are oscillating farther and farther from the false ideals of appearance.

They put you on a spell that tells you whose beautiful, that our brown skin is not brown gold, that our eyes are not black emeralds, that our bodies’ hair must be removed, because the only hair that should be allowed to be left on a body is blond hair, because the world has taught you to think that our hair, our black hair is an alternative, an intruder.

It is an impeding and ever-growing pain to become a conscious man…one that is learning about the injustices in which he has ignorantly been a victim of all of his life.

To have thought once that I was not attractive because I was not attractive, and that I was not sexually desirable because I was not sexually desirable…

To think that the universe had devised it to be this way as if there was no conniving vice guiding these concepts of normality and abnormality…the standards of beauty and ugliness…

To come to the painstaking realization of being robbed of the truth…of the manipulating lies and biased standards of appearance that had been constructed so far back before our birth.

To realize that we are beautiful but that this fact would be one that would be negated.

A reparation that would be contested and denied, giving over the claim to legitimacy to those who judge this trial because they too have been veiled by the lie.

Recognizing that the identity as a brown, indigene, homosexual man with brown eyes and black hair (with remnants of a French grandfather who people can refuse to believe and because of that he does not care to acknowledge that part of his heritage. Realizing that that identity is dangerous to be acknowledged as being beautiful.

…Because if those that control the power structures that dictate the normality of appearance declared that that was beautiful you and everyone else in the world would never ever doubt that attractiveness.

But again that's dangerous even revolutionary because it would supplant the beauty and more importantly the power that white people (and those that aim to oscillate closer and closer to the Eurocentric ideal) gather from maintaining that dominance.

Shouldn’t we have a right to be angry and jaded? After being burdened with the truth and consciousness...we should have a right to be. It is a burden to be conscious and we should very much want reparations...The more the injustice being construed against us becomes clearer and clearer the more we must hold contempt against euro-centrism and disarm any semblance within the pride of European descent to superiority.

It’s unnerving to realize the slight that is being used on us to beat us down. These conniving power structures have managed to get under our skin and as if through remote operation have unleashed on us...ourselves.

It’s the best weapon of destruction...of control and disillusionment. Because they don't wish to destroy us, at least not until they've extracted our worth for their gain and consumption without our interruption.

We must not be unconsciously wielding individuals who think we are ugly, and who are paralyzed by a superficial analysis of what is the optimum of appearance, which we think we are not.

Abhor the inability that has been forced onto us, to declare we are beautiful.

That the weight of the lies, the farce, the systems of marginalization as they apply to appearance carry more legitimacy and authority, than our truth...the honest truth…

It’s asphyxiating to always face confrontations and juries who will indefinitely argue for the indictment of our ugliness.

To which deep fear and disbelief will be manifest in the paralysis of eloquence and ability to articulate an opposing argument.

The saddest thing would be that they have prevailed so well and penetrated our consciousness and conceptualizations within our minds, which has made it way easier for them to force us to see ourselves the way they see us.

Pick up like a hound those nuances among those that talk, and how euro-centrism has defiled their consciousness!

Insides can't help but churn and recoil with madness and try to say no don't do that! Stop the killing of the legitimization of your and my beauty!

Don't ever be apologetic. Just know that this is something that troubles us and is complex. Concede to the fact you won't ever have to suffer the injustice that us and other brown and black people have to try to subvert and alter as part of our journey toward the empowerment of all human beings.
February 10, 2013
King Panda Aug 2017
death:
an abnormality—
deep prints left by
heavy boots filled with water
and washed away by
summer’s end.

grief:
a metal
sensation denude of
coldness—swelled up again
and again from life’s ***** driving
deeply.

I suppose you couldn’t
help but steal away.
you (now endangered
ghost) left your
trace fossils moted,
gray and cold.
our memories of you
divorced from the
mountain’s path—
a wound raised
higher and higher
to a crystal peak
where your soul
was plucked cleanly out.

we built cairns to
mark your going
and stories to signal your
inevitable re-arrival.
we welcomed the heavy contact
of fire felt in the
middle of the chest
and watered
arches cut beneath
the eyelids.
we felt the frigidness of
lit feet gliding
above mountain frost
and set forth your
eternal journey
to the solar eclipse.
but somehow
we lost your trace fossils
frozen in the rock.

where did you go?
who found you?
why?

these are the questions
of extinction of the
physical body
but the soul is
unmatched in
its uncertainty.
if it exists, it leaves
upon time of death
and reenters when looked
at through shielded glass.

soul:
a mountain
view, black and polished
by an unfurled moon. its
brother sun not far
behind.
RIP, my dearest friend. You will be forever missed.
ERS Dec 2018
I'm hyper and happy with energy to spare
Fast speech, racing mind
I spread love everywhere
A giant smile is all I bare until
a certain darkness
fills the air

You feel rampant with no good rage
Trapped in your sorrows
like a rusted shut cage
You remind yourself you're not crazy
Sometimes you're really happy
or just tired
and lazy

Sometimes you lose feeling in your fingers and toes
Like you're in the basement of a coroner
raw and exposed
Other times, you're on a hamster wheel
sweating and racing
Feeling your skin turn
rubber and chafing

I have no control over my emotions and mood
And, yes, I know that
that's no excuse
I come off strong with my opinions and personality
Which many think is wonderful or an abnormality

I'm seen in different lights
because I don't know which one to stand in
I'm only myself in my writing
and that's the happiest I've been

Pen and paper give me the control
my chemical imbalance never has
I can feel calm and genuine and less of a spazz

I'm slowly accepting
my past
mistakes
and reality
Mental illness is stigmatized
But we need to face our morality

Hell!
Carrie Fisher was bipolar though
we didn't talk about it in that era
If she was bipolar then
I'm just like Princess Leia
Shane Oct 2012
On my way home today I fell through time

I must have slipped on a theoretical banana peel

During my fall I watched the clocks unwind

Or perhaps it was life, just unconcealed

But that raises the question of what is real

Though hazardous content once you break the seal

I prefer my life with a touch of *surreal
I am the dreamer,
a true believer.
You are a realist,
a twisted cynist
But we coexist.
We share the weight.
And as of late,
i think we have,
grown to hate,
the things we used to love.

I am the one who is optimistic,
in love with a mind
thats pessimistic.
but there is hope,
if you look a little more.
Forget what was before,
remember this forever.
I love your,
hugs and kisses.

But i am the one.
who often forgets,
how real life can be,
im just a boy,
that never grew up,
and denied the reality
that life is an abnormality.
And im the one,
who doesnt have the mentality.
to know that,
life  is a cruel fatality.
Joe Picardi Jan 2012
We the Sheeple of the Modern world,
in Order to form a more uniform society,
establish careers,
insure domestic conformity,
destroy the uncommon difference,
demote the idealistic,
and imbed the hatred of abnormality to ourselves and our Posterity,
do ordain and establish this societal law for the Earth and all it's inhabitants.
Izlecan Sep 2018
On the heap,
Thou dangle and screech
And bedeck, for I seemingly espouse.
The anecdotes and myths:
Engaged in a mutual pose.
There comes the hymn,
And the sway and the hum;
The abnormality and the deform
Halted on a single stance.
To dozen of the tokens
Whom I prejudged;
The prevalence of the chaos
That sleeps merely on my tongue.
To all the estrangements
From which I refrain,
Within the bawl of the tantrum, upon the hook of the day.
Farewell to all, farewell the haze
Farewell the cluster,
To the resolution found within a fane;
Where rituals confuse,
Where the practice becomes a fame.
There thou taketh solely,
A hymn and an interminable haze.
Whats the sense of the ovation
When no screen displays
A mourning motion
For which no motion craves?
I sigh, and mumble
To which mere consciences giveth
To me only, mine solely.
His to hear and his, keenly.
Sampson Feb 2014
Fantasy minded ******* and binded **** kindness ethics I don't mind it regular social norms I don't live by it the inside if my head during this is totally quiet

  Deep cuts in the mutt hydrochloric **** you can ******* in between the violent ruts

  Engage in the regular norms of reverse mentality, it may be cryptic, but it's cliche so really they're is no abnormality

Suicide is a biological abnormality
Jesus accepted death and doubted his mortality  
But you'll die tonight an enigmatic causality


A vision of johova speaking to burning flames while a pentagram of blood and spirits call my name
   A tragic masquerade of hate turned into mallevolant beautiful evil if I **** your tonight that will be a favor with no equal
  Affection is no fix to so called anti social disconnection it's because I've been baptized by the blood which you'll be drenched in  
    Dark travesty who could happen to see ? A malevolent masterpiece of murdering  your infernal travesty    
For the light is not ending or bending for your masquerade of humanity is ending
Leaving you cut with a razor causing scars which they'll be no mending      

sending to the er don't wory about blackouts and spazms you won't see psalms
     A knife point is a nice point to stick in between joints my hate anoints, the 3 leaf clover won't keep you safe from a razor ,Wes craven I brazenly imitate doing Beelzebub a favor when I wet the place
Smash your ******* face then leave the organs shifted out of place with tool of steel kept on a fuckkng plate, get wiser to my torture crate
  Concealed body's liter all over the place with hydrochloric acid it's they're fuckkng grace to leave the world seeing my face
When the f did I write this ? Ha  I don't really remember but I found It on my phone I was probably ****** up. Anywhoo frank zito is the name of the antagonist of the 1980 classic "Maniac" go watch it. This poem seemed very zito esq
Agony of the fantasy, so lazily, with no probability
the ecstasy so randomly seen with eyes of atrophy
my heart beats so rapidly for the sake of catastrophe
so i gallantly step on the travesty of the compatibility

i casually see my casualty through eyes of calamity
searching so actively for a canopy of rationality
my mind thinks abnormality is better than conformity
actuality meets versatility or circumstantial amity

thinking elaborately not organically, of reality
a tapestry so naturally put together differently
visually vivid quality is a visible consistency
no commonality,  critically crushed by normality
Overwhelmed Mar 2011
at this very moment in time,
I am terrified for the future
of the human race

I wake up each day and hear things
no man should hear
and yet each day I wake up
and I am assaulted with a world
speeding towards the brink of
oblivion

I have no comment
on what is right
or wrong,

to each man his own
has always been the
nature of this universe.

but on the things we now hold dear:
the ignorance
the xenophobia
the arrogance
the paranoia
the fear

I cannot reconcile them

so much hate,
has become the norm

hate for others,
hate for difference,
hate for abnormality,
hate for normality

no one
knows the true meaning
of love
anymore

each person walks into the day
holding a brandished steel in one hand
and a hardened shield in the other

nobody knows how to be vulnerable
or how to leave the vulnerable be

we all act like warriors
battling in some unforgiving
war

yet we are not,

we are simple people
trying to live simple
lives.

on this day,
nine years ago,
a tragedy was struck
that the world will never
forget

on this day,
forty-seven years ago,
a miracle occurred
that only a few have ever
noticed

on this day,
one of these past events
blocks out the
other

hate has eclipsed love
and in this moment of
time:
I am fearful,
for the future of
humanity
Illya Oz Oct 2016
I pull at my hair
And scratch at my skin
You ask me why
I don't even know where to begin

The curls in my hair are all wrong
The colour orange just doesn’t belong
My skin looks all weird colours and mottled
The feelings inside I keep up and bottled

There is no reason for my depression
I find it hard to show my expression
I escape into the word of fiction
I stay so long it becomes an addiction

Being who I am doesn’t conform
To what others consider the social norm
People who know my sexuality
See me as an abnormality

I get terrified when in a crowd
Everyone just always seems so loud
I cling to people like a leach
My voice is weak without freedom of speech

I wish I could be normal
But that would just abnormal
I wish I could learn to accept
But in that I am so inept
I'm really tying to accept all my flaws and things that I don't like about my self. So many people no matter who they are or where they live are not happy with who they are. We all just need to learn to accept others and our selves despite our flaws.
I was born with curly hair,
a bubbly laugh
and a blue eyed stare.

I was born with freckles on my nose,
always a need to know
and a reason to share.

I was born as part of a vanishing twin,
always preferring to be by myself
and always knowing I wasn't alone.

I reabsorbed my other twin, the
chromosomal abnormality, a blighted ****
if you will.

I put my duality down to this abnormality,
yet, always wanting to know,
my curiosity always on show.

I wonder why I came to be?
With the other me fading away.
I look for others with my freckles, blue eyes and grin.

I've never found her or him.

I was born a half of a whole,
maybe it's why sometimes I'm light, other times dark.
My twin left its mark, but, I think I'm the dark half.
© JLB
14/08/2014
00:11 BST
Thanks thespis for another muse anew,
Filliping my soul with the spirit of a song,
To chant for the young world in these pepperish letters,
before my callous  eyes on the skull of  historical future
on my pykitonic   torso of I another African pykin,
as I finish my coffin for the cadaver of poetry
that the law of poetry is a distorting neurosis,
neurotic abnormality its baseboard of time
giving classical  balance for wondrous poetry.

Compensatory motivation a charm of its seed,
Taking dear eyes from the skull of Demodocos
Leaving songfull mouth his legacy for humanity,
Warped physique not short of history,
Teaching the world to drink in full pyrene spring
As hunchbacked dwarfism of Alexander Pope
was not in any sense  dwarfism  of his poetry,
nor club foot of Byron in ******* to Maugham
Byronic heroism to Europe of yester times,
That sired Proust, the Jewish neurotic
And Keats the most dwarfish and Wolfe the tallest
Of man and woman to the cultural matrix
Of Europe, the mother of art, poetry and synaethesia,

From which was born Pushkin that took poetry
Out of his nymphomaniac heart, to the solace of czars,
And Shakespeare the dear thief, luckily converted
Childhood kleptomania into royal theatre of King Lear,
The parallel of four brothers from the house of Karamazov,
Their father; impecunious penny penchant muzhik
In the name of Fydor epileptic Dostoyevsky.

A lull of the time to escape from world of rent and tax,
Gripped nerves of the duo to a new realm of art
wherein sensuous glory from ***** and Indian hemp
propelled the souls of  Coleridge and De Quincey
to grandiose highness of poetry in the dreams of *****,
bordering on the  teutonic greatness of  ritualistic breed,
poetry that transcended from rotten apples  in the writing desk
of Fredriech von schiller the begotten son of Germany,
writing under the arms of Balzac dressed in monkey clobus,
that along with Milton in the lost paradise, gave him swaddles
only when the poetic vein of Milton flowed happily from nothing,
but from the ritualized autumnal equinox to the spiritual vernal,
as Coleridge was in full recondite  of marquetry,mosaic and miracles,
the miraculous white male sheep, the white ram of Wole Soyinka,
that he gave as a gift to Achebe at the last anniversary, evil decoy
that become a car which deathly crushed Chinua Achebe
down to demise in the catacombs for the law of poetry
as abnormal human  neurosis an equation of perfect art.
Jack Jenkins Jun 2016
Misfit, misshapen, misplaced
Not fitting in anywhere
I'm a pariah, a loner, a coyote
Stalking the fringes of society
Never seen, never heard, never felt
Only dreamed, and imagined, and feared

If only I had a place to be
A person to see
Maybe
Maybe
I'll see brighter days ahead
And love like a dove

I am alone because I am unique
I am myself, alone, nobody else
A drop in an ocean of faces
Yet an ocean in a world of drops
Always okay, always broken
Never whole, never fractured
A contradiction of opposites
A unity of abnormality
always anxious May 2015
I've never been "That girl"
That girl who comes out of a realationship.
And instantly finds herself in another.. Effortlessly. Like it was destiny.

I guess it was just mever destined for me to be "that girl"
That girl, who never stops having people confess their love for her
That girl who people can't stop talking about, how pretty they are.
That girl who can get guys to buy her a drink at the bar.
By the pattern of her soft lips and a hair flip.
Effortlessly. Like it was destiny.

I guess, it was just never destined for me, to be "that girl"
That girl who knows how to flirt properly.
That girl who can put her makeup on flawlessly
That girl who can post a photo to facebook and not find a million insecurities, lurking at the tips of her fingers, as she presses the share button.

And i know that i shouldn't let these things define my femininity.
I know, that i shouldn't let these things bother me, but.. They do.
It's like having a lack of popularity in this world, is seen as an abnormality.
It is seen as less than womanly.
And i'm always forced to ask myself 'what's wrong, with me?'

But maybe it's because i was never destined to be "that girl"
Maybe it's because i was destined to be something more!
To be that girl who just lives her life.
That girl who loves herself for who she is, and doesn't rely on popularity to make herself feel alright.

That girl who knows what she wants, and fights until it's her's.
That girl, who still has insecurities, but.. At the end of the day just says 'whatever?
Because we all know who runs the world'
I wanna be that girl.
Mateuš Conrad Oct 2016
civilisation abhors thought that it cannot vocalise,
and therefore monitise - it abhors it! it vilifies such
thinking as a form of mental  illness, or something akin
to such a statement; talk to any psychiatrist
and he'll tell you that psychiatry is, quiete frankly:
a variation of demonology - shadow people -
the "retards" everyone is quickly to defend
but easily strap into death-rollercoster rides
and the famous bon voyage adieu salute!
civilisation stamps it down, as i already said, abhors it,
whenever cancer is involved is a hellraising
fundraiser moment... come the sickness of the mind?
or the abstracted brain: we have parasite,
tapeworm people.
     and all because of our own cause in having created
the skivvy like residuals to brush under the
carpet of what's otherwise glitter:
   people who are without narrative:
                    without the marathon fundraiser public:
a macho personification of how to abuse
state authority but never wishing to do so:
but nonetheless being punished for it.

the central figure? fiction isn't written these days,
take a break, come back later.
        if you can't be honest now: you will never
be honest in a hundred years: forget it!
but you know what i find? sniffer dog that i am:
i find people like *Faustino Barrientos

a.k.a. not Pablo Neruda - and god i'm jealous,
there's this pristine exemplified variant of Adam
and i'm petrified with jealousy at
his 45 years of solitude in Chile -
               i'm mad by it,
why? because the so-called civilised world has
literally cut off all my limbs to embody such
a life: my grandfather and my father lived
under the laws of conscription auto-suggested
by the rubric of social preliminary bulletpoints:
i'm jealous of them too!
              i'm an Auschwitz shaven bearded
"thinker", no good to society that needs rigour
of appearing nice and selling bull's *******:
i wish i was (most of the time),
       i got a chemistry degree and was told to
work in a supermarket... there goes my love for
learning:
                i am, evidently, a pseudo-hermit,
self-imposed isolation but still seeing people:
or as i like to call them: ghosts - in close
proximity; now, if ever anti-social behaviour went
on unpunished, i'd be a gladdened example
of such feralness.
                    oddly enough, atheists are cultured
creatures,
                 but, not oddly enough: they have
nothing enabling them with self-preservation;
the argument goes along the lines of self- (hyphen
opening necessary)... as a prescribed form of
automation... in a variety of guises:
         this hermit from Chile has nothing of this
sort, he simply has a godly competence of
the environment, someone like Christopher Hitchens
can walk into a crowded space and give you
theological nausea -
              because could you find enough whiskey
metabolism while shearing sheep and
milking cows? no! atheism is a placebo of what
is otherwise an individualistic stance of
being an individual within a herd -
and what an almighty cold turkey experience we've
been given after Nietzsche killed god:
we're going cold turkey -
               we're theologically cold turkey -
we are still living in rehab, bad move to do it
so quickly: history on amphetamines sort of speak...
             a dichotomy of priestly attire
and politicians all suited tied and booted as
the grey matter: where are the ******* rainbows?
hence the persistence to relapse into hippy,
while adolescence succumbs to nothing more than
a medical circus frenzy: of nature's own:
                          getting rid of the weakest like
one might throw out an out-of-date yoghurt.
  all good and well with that montage of atheism
being the zeitgeist fashion statement -
    but there is no atheism outside of the civilised world:
there's the purity of the self-        automation:
or adaptability to the environment -
only once congregated there was the imposed:
the non-existence of.
                      because it was trendy to speak like that,
we established a cohabitating necessity as
a species and then tried to fake that necessity by
differentiating with enough intellectual sweat to
distance ourselves with a counter-argument:
i.e. not self-   as in automation because of the ever
changing weather and organic octopus auxiliary attachments
for the worth of grit:
                     but a self-    (unit of automation)
   to fill the world with an almost inaccessible
perpetuation of the narrative - but this civilised self-
                 as variant of automation
toward self-sufficiency and independence is completely
lacking in the civilised world!
     we treat people like ****! waiter! cashiers!
                     bus drivers!
         i endear you to think that in the collective of
what's known as the civilised world: the hermit does not,
exist! there is no self- to speak of,
               try milking a cow or lumbering along with Jack:
it ain't there! we're a bankruptcy in terms of limbs!
        well sure: i write, and immediately i'm
in a mess because i like to study -
     which means poetry or poetry aspiring to
philosophy is inherently useless... so is civilisation!
   tribalism has no need for money: because it
has community: cannibalistic or not... is still has
a collective need to survive - unless of course you
remember the civilised world and all those
experimental fetishes to get you starcast with a moovie.
so this Chilean guy, 40 years a hermit,
     and then this article in the Sunday Times
news review section: driven to distraction -
             and my notes as graffiti after reading it:
we are a second behind goldfish online (8 seconds
with cat videos) - goldfish are 9 seconds into
watching bubbles, and then creative dementia
     doing the plateau incremental snap: re re re.
the god does not exist argument is founded on
a banking system: it's the most viable way to make
an argument that provides wages -
          no other reason for it,
or: as according to the Chilean nomad Faustino
Barrientos
, begin with the self- unit
                of self-determination and sustenance:
otherwise don't bother arguing that sort of argument
without undermining the collective Disney index
of the people: who are incompetent at ruling themselves
then they congregate to give birth to a Picasso,
end of!
              so just because i studied the sciences i can't
be persuaded to an ulterior version of humanism:
i swear, Kant said that there was nothing nobler than
to concern yourself with god... or an argument for
such a being... maybe i'm misreading things:
after all... it's not all that fashionable to say such things:
because never was sane sensibility akin to Jane Austen
for ******* despicable as to read Jane Eyre.
              well sure, i have my "furthering" notes,
from the trenches of the devil's sulphuring *******...
         again: that statement "god is dead"?
is effectively going cold turkey... shutting off all
the superstitious metabolism of the past: oh, 20 centuries.
   sure, the Anglo Renaissance came, Elvis too,
       but the repercussions of what we "experienced"
at the height of the latter part of the 20th century?
unreplicable, gone, dust, sniff the actual grey dust
death of ash... it's not coming back: here my pessimism
and valour in the name of comedy - realism
and the very mortal hand of the extinguished flame:
it's gone! done!
                and it ain't, coming back with a backlash of
infuriated rigour to keep afloat: or return to / replenish.
  it's gone!  mind you, Heath could also be
included in this ode that celebrates necessary
obscurity of the Chilean to my jealous fancy as having
perfected survival skills.
             but this cold turkey debacle over the death
of god penetrates former colonial, hence post-colonial
societies: it affects the youth.
                  it suggests a quickened pretense of
diminished responsibility within a framework of
the lack of all things "karmic":
sure, so history is without a continuum to ensure
there's transgression for every transcendence
and we all live in an Utopian scenario of
immovable mountains: maybe that's why we're
no longer writing history but historiography:
and there is a distinction:
the former is actually angling and fishing -
the other is counting the number of skiving salmon
dreaming of wings rather than gills out
of the river.
                     among the other observations?
or apathy without origin in blissful thinking,
statement A.
     can you imagine anything more apprehensively
digested that reaching the conclusion:
a- + -pathos (without pathology)
                                 can be interpreted negatively?
negative thinking prior to reaching the consolidation
that apathy is, well: most people treat that as
an abnormality.
                     (if i ever wrote a self-help book,
i'd write one like this).
              you go past bulimia, past self-harm,
past all the negative bull and reach a state of apathy,
a non-disconcerted attunement toward feeling:
but you have been chiseling with your thought
at all the unpardonable negativism of your
identifiable physiognomy from genealogical nuance:
you seem to want to replicate an ancestry -
your heart will not tell you to **** yourself:
but find enough automaton curriculum in your
thinking: and your own mind will slothfully entice
you with a thinking sidewinder that aims at the
guillotine, or the gallows.
                   and after all that negative thinking,
you reach apathy, or being without a pathology?
and you feel an emptiness?
             don't expect to be Nepalese -
your ancestry forbids it...
                        you didn't reach a Buddhist apathy,
you didn't start from a zenith: but from a nadir,
tattooed with so many pathologies:
to reach apathy you had to transcend them:
       this is the bit were i say, concerning your heart:
it's a bit like a Cartesian cogito ergo sum moment.
talking about going beyond:
ever think that foundation of ontology is grammatically
based, if not biased?
        i limit this question toward grammatical
categorisation of words...
      primarily? the usual questions:
why are we here?
                       how? (well, that's outdated
'cos we have all the answers and that leverages our
greatest dissatisfaction, even in terms of writing
a new version of Don Quixote, which we can't).
                i devalue grammatical categorisation
altogether, i don't believe in it,
            for example why is categorised as
both adverb and conjunction... to me synonyms
don't exist in grammar, why is therefore only
an adverb...
              how? also an adverb... (ad- + -verb
         toward an action) - thus toward the municipality
of professions: but that's not a moral question.
       why is also an int. (interjection) and n. (noun) -
all it takes is a missing h to completely it as a noun
(unless of course the Oxford dictionary is wrong,
and i'm not Shylock Holmes)...
             what i am focusing on is the word
is, which is grammatically categorised as a conjunction,
and so it is, and so that is, and so this is:
       that's a canvas for me: mirror mirror, on the wall:
who will the the fairest of them all once i stop
asking the question with rose petals in mind being
plucked in that fateful lottery?
                         i don't care why, i already have
a good enough estimate as to how...
                          i base my ontology (nature of being)
upon the is...
                        where there was jungle, there too is
another jungle made of concrete -
and i don't trust the Quran: it makes grammar too
inaccessible, too holy even,
             you tell me the naked truth of the grammar,
i'll put on a ******* Hijab and prance to the tune
of le trio joubran's song masar down a street:
the weeping man of Amsterdam, two German chefs
tripping out on mushrooms while watching
American Dad in a darkened hostel room,
   and an Egyptian architectural student i spent
the afternoon with; otherwise? don't bother.
      and it really is great how is can't be an adverb
and merely a conjunction (well, "merely"),
      there is nothing that requires is to be a limitation,
or a necessary morphing into: toward doing / being
something... everything just, is;
and if it wasn't for Shia Islam you'd get **** all Sufi...
maybe a Falafel kebab, but **** all apart from that.
                    of course i'd side with the ****** Iranians
on this matter...
                                i can't live without music,
for fare game to Faustino Barrientos, but i can't live
without music, and Wahabbism doesn't recognise
music:      never was hearing a camel hart or a
merchant burp or a woman ****** seem so appealing,
and worthy to fight for!
(italics for the sarcasm).
do you think that if i clap my hands for a year
i'll hear a minute's worth of Wagner?
                                         (snigger): probably not.
anony Oct 2013
do you know the feeling you get when you're hiding,
when you're alone in the darkness of
a closet or
under your bed or
behind a door or
in a bush?
i get that sense- of loneliness, fear, constant held breath-
every time i wake,
every time i see people,
every time i hear whispers,
every time i feel wandering eyes.
i feel like i am searched with every step in the open
for guilt and abnormality
but i am not.
or am i?
i don't know and i want to know
what people think of me.
if they hate me,
if they love me,
why won't they just come out and tell me
the honest to god truth!?
it drives me insane.
and so i'll just keep hiding.
Dawn of Lighten Feb 2015
Ate with South Carolina supervisor with his wife and his parents! He is definitely a country boy, but very awesome lead tech! Thank god I been travelling around the states, while seeing the working environment as it is, and I must confess the southerners are truly nice people! I know good people lies within anywhere, but in the north (schools) it made it feel like the south was lagging in that department, and from experiences it's just media giving wrong impression also! It might be because I am only exposed to bigger cities, but thus far people in the south truly feel like a genuine people with good heart!

Aside from friends in Minnesota, which by the way were good people, it was very hard to feel in place with Minneapolis suburb area. I always had my guards up for racial tensions, and mis-treatment from officers for stupid ****, but in the south I honest don't feel like I have to prove anything to anyone! I feel at ease, and I feel job market is more equal in here! It might be because I am with fortune 500 company, and their culture is different, but in Target to Best Buy, and even the same company I work for now felt like they were always dividing people in Minnesota. So **** glad I no longer work for retail giants, while don't feel like I am getting segregated! I felt more like a human being in the southern states than I felt in the Minnesota, and mentally it was super exhausting, and emotionally depressing! While I felt discrimination in Minnesota, writing, art, and classical music was always my escape to ease abnormality I felt as a person! For the longest time I felt like the environment was choking the living life out of me, and I was suppose to be the bad guy in Minnesota! It felt like people were always judging for the wrong reason, and you couldn't hide yourself from those judging eyes, while they made alliances to back stab! If south is driven by racial overtone, then Minnesota was driven by undertones!  

I feel I belong here in the south, and meeting right people at the right places helps me feel like I'm a human being.
This is a self reflection I did in facebook today,  not a poem, but more like a journal!  While the experiences for people may differ depending on your social, racial, gender, and political views.  This is how I felt in Minnesota as an Asian American, and not simply as an American that we should be considering ourselves! In my humble opinion, Kentucky, Indiana, Tannessee, Arkansas, and now South Carolina have friendly people from my first impression!

— The End —