In raw shadow I linger
And recall your corduroy voice
Smooth, open, and deep
You make my head throb with poetry
And I ache with delirious desire to dance
Beneath the moon and stars
To the music of the wind and rhythm of the sea.

Language is like a void
Yet concrete is porcelain skin
And chocolate dreams
I listen to shadows
Remembering how frantically the words melted
Sacrificing my tongue for your delicious smile.

Stranger to myself
I wander through the maze of my thoughts
Star gazing upon a distant labyrinthine spiral of past promises and torn trust
Dreams scattered and lost upon winter's wistful winds.
And do you realize you were the best part of my mind?
A light warming the inner crevices and cavities of old sorrows, sore and exhausted from chewing away the years.
A heart to hold onto when mine was crawling away in agony,
Bursting at its seams, it groaned
Too full of the world to be inside me.
You guided  me when my eyes turned inward to search for my wandering heart
It was in my stomach,
Pounding and wriggling, a mountain of worms eating my organs, swarming out my ears, too many to be contained.
Carried me when my legs complained that my heart was too heavy and went on strike,
They folded together quietly like the blanket at the end of my childhood bed.
Lended me your mouth when my body succumbed and refused to get up.
Kissed me until you blew my heart to smithereens,
Kissed me until the worms came out in admiration to watch our lips writhe and twist,
Kissed me till my heart jumped back together and clambered back into my chest,
Kissed me till my eyes returned, till I lifted my weary head and collapsed into your love for me.
Reminded me of the flowers last spring.
The wildflowers after our cold dark winter.
Stroked my hair gently and taught my legs to wrap around your hips again and again till we pounded away the past
And my heart rejoiced at being given a new perspective.
Reminded my hands how to caress your cheeks,  
My fingers were numb and frightened of hurting you
But they longed to catch hold of your smile and hold onto its warmth forever.
You knew me for what I was,
But I was a stranger to myself.
My body was searching for its parts, taking inventory of its functions.
And my mind was missing,
I lost it amidst a most busy crowd of no one.
I haven't found it since.
And do you know that you were the best part of my mind?

Stranger to myself
I wander through the maze of my thoughts
Star gazing upon a Milky Way of past promises and torn trust
Dreams scattered and lost upon winter's wistful winds.
And do you realize you are the best part of my mind?
A light warming the inner crevices and cavities of old sorrows, sore and exhausted from chewing away the years.
A heart to hold onto when mine is crawling away in agony,
Bursting at its seams, it groans
Too full of the world to be inside me.
Guide me when my eyes have turned inward to search for my wandering heart
It's in my stomach,
Pounding and wriggling, a mountain of worms eating my organs, swarming out my ears, too many to be contained.
Carry me when my legs complain that my heart is too heavy and go on strike,
They fold together quietly like the blanket at the end of my childhood bed.
Lend me your mouth when my body succumbs and refuses to get up.
Kiss me until you blow my heart to smithereens,
Kiss me until the worms come out in admiration to watch our lips writhe and twist,
Kiss me till my heart jumps back together and clambers back into my chest,
Kiss me till my eyes return, till I lift my weary head and collapse into your love for me.
Remind me of the flowers last spring.
The wildflowers after our cold dark winter.
Kiss my forehead and teach my legs to wrap around your hips again and again till we pound away the past
And my heart rejoices at being given a new perspective.
Remind my hands how to caress your cheeks,  
My fingers are numb and frightened of hurting you
But they long to catch hold of your smile and hold onto its warmth forever.
You know me for what I am,
But I am a stranger to myself.
My body is searching for its parts, taking inventory of its functions.
And my mind is missing,
I lost it amidst a most busy crowd of no one.
I haven't found it since.
And do you know that you were the best part of my mind?

And who am I apart from my wonder?
My sadness
My curiosity
My existential pondering?
Would I actually want that all to go away?
To live my life like this always or to have no idea of the feelings this way of life inspires; both options are depressing.
The depression is what gets to me
And is caused in part by both
I feel so little in such a grand universe, so pointless, conspicuous in my expiration date.
What's it like to die, I always wonder
I don't believe in heaven or God
I don't believe my consciousness will extend beyond.
I worry that every little thing is a sign that my life is becoming like sour milk.
And the idea of all of it gone is terrifying
Nothing to write about
Nothing to explore
For who am I apart from what defines me?
I am what I define myself as
And by that, I don't know who I am
The dictionary of me hasn't seen bookstores yet
Because the editor seems to be missing in action
All my calls for help have gone unanswered
She's probably somewhere beyond the reaches of cell service
Perhaps in a forest, climbing a mountain, or by the river
She needs that time to rejuvenate
And to create my story
I would say she's a designer of realities but I couldn't figure out what a reality was so I changed it.
I believe it's important to say what you know to be truthful
To follow the Maxims of Conversation
To compromise with yesterday in exchange for a better tomorrow.

I love the costume you wear
Discounted and undervalued
But I see it for its true colors
It's a method, a mood, a mystery
How after so much pain
You're still here somehow, and smiling.

I love the costume you wear
Ocean blue sadness
Veiled by the violet warmth of your acceptance
Indescribably beautiful melancholy
Like the sunrise I watched today
The night wistfully accepting the inevitable morning
Knowing that midnight's velvet comfort will once again return.

I love the costume you wear
But I wish you wouldn't hide your true colors within
Its fierce red curtained folds
Or behind those miserably memorized monologues that just don't ring true
It's like you've got stage fright but
The stage is yourself.

I love the costume you wear
But come with me
And let's dance until the pain glows like the sun and becomes beautiful
Until the moon lights your way and you are no longer afraid
Until the wind takes your hand and you can release the curtain and let go
Until you can drop the script and let your words fly like birds, of their own accord
And until you can embrace the world
With only your heart, your smile, and yourself
And dance beyond it all, freely.

Cold
I lean against the bed
Watching the waves wash away your wakefulness
Your breath steady as the tide
Your eyes drifting away
Away from mine
Into beautiful serenity
Dreams of sunlight and calm seas
And you relax fully
Succumbing to the rhythm
The waves crashing against the sand
I gaze
Longing
Would that this moment could last
Beyond our limits
Beyond the sea  
The time we have left.
And so peaceful you are
My love, my darling
Dreaming
Beyond my watery world
Beyond the reaches of my sadness
I wish I could be here with you  
Every night like this
To hold your hand as the currents
carry us towards the horizon,
Gradually,
Like the way I fell in love with you.

Fly until summer’s gone
Nothing left
No place smiles
You creep into bed
Lost in a haze of thoughts
Of the queen of a dying
Country.
Midnight was a time of
Beginning.
Transition.
Still, it is.
But not as new
Cold poets weeping
Their tears
Riveting fish
In bowls
Who have never seen water out of
Context.
Just stand there
And breathe their pain
Hear the way their eyes droop
It’s like they cannot bear to
Look up
To the moon and star spattered sky
No longer
But forever more.
You want a song sung
Of passion
Of happiness
Of love.
Yet when poets cry
And fish gape like
They’re being strangled
Willingly
And the midnight has lost its
Whimsy
Where is the dawn at the end?
At the end of a sleepless night?
Where is the relief after a long cry?
Where is the joy of seeing a friend?
Climbing a mountain
Dancing in the rain?
How can you find rest,
Until you find
Your friend and sink into
An embrace?
How can you dance in the rain
When the sun is smothering the clouds?
How can you cease the
Wild torrent of tears
When you know there will be no
Relief?
How can you fall asleep peacefully when you know there will be no
Morning?
How can you climb the mountain
When you can’t see
Where your feet are treading?
How can you stop?
Fly.
Fly until it’s over.

Have you been there?
The place beyond
the trees.
Someone's whisper
reached into my thoughts
drew me in
like a fish oblivious
in death
reeled by the line.
Blind faith
the present moment
food for the fish
is food for the thought.

In truth
it's false
like a mirage
the horizon
the lull before a tsunami.

It's a trap
that bit on the line
the singular idea of it
yet I saw nothing
knew nothing
I was the family at the beach
swept suddenly away by the monstrous wave
Gone.
A lull
before the end.

But have you been there?
that place
Beyond.

Listen to the whisper
let it guide you
to the end
meet me there
in my thoughts
the place
beyond the trees.
It's not the horizon
Farther, farther
waver at the edge
Your mind
beckoning the beyond
like a mirage
a mystery
the place beyond the trees.

Sunlight streams through trees
Kissing the soft chocolate ringlets strewn across
his cheeks
They lay together,
a blanket beneath them
and the bluest sky, beautiful overhead.

Her breath steals
a question
from his eyes;
warm, green pools of heaven.
And he leans upward to capture
her answer
with his softly loving lips.

And there they remain;
lost yet found
swimming in each other's souls
till the sunlight fades
and their love is written by constellations.

Time's a fickle friend
Summer; our momentous dance
Fall comes, will it end?

You're away
tonight
but still I linger
waiting
and a whisper
a shooting star carries
'goodnight'
falling
into your eyes
from my fingertips
like the way
I fell
in love *(with you)

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Fourteen years old
I love you,
Called out,
A promise of returned affection
Timid, unsure
A response to
Insecurities.
Not true.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Fifteen years old
Distrustful
Cynical
Confused
Emotions flapping about like lost geese
Nothing like all the before’s
So this is what must be
True.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Sixteen years old,
That feeling
Tumultuous but calming
Broken yet whole
Lost but found
Your deep, beautiful eyes
Painful beyond belief, yet the best thing I’ve ever felt
Simply, it's true
I love you.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Seventeen years old,
It’s true
What is?
That
You’re my truth
And
I love you.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted yet
True.

Seventeen years old,
I love you
But…
I ****** up
I love you
But…
I kissed someone else
We never set boundaries
But….
I know I did wrong
I love you
But…
I truly can’t be with you right now.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.  

Seventeen years old,
You’re awesome
We’re so similar
So,
I love you?
No,
I realize that belongs to someone else,
But you think it's yours.
And that isn't true.
****.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Seventeen years old,
I hate myself
Because I’ve hurt you
Your pain is killing me
Though really, it’s me
Killing you
I love you,
It's true.
But,
How can you ever forgive me?

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Eighteen years old,
I love you
It’s true
But you’re broken still
And I wish I could heal the horror
I caused
For you.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.  

Eighteen years old,
I love you
Whispered gently
Deeply
Truly
I want to kiss you
I want to hold you
I want to be with you
Can we, please?

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Eighteen years old,
Yes. We can.
I love you too.
I still truly do.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Eighteen years old,
I love you
But…
Why are you doing this to me?
Why can’t you talk to me instead of hiding behind the texts?
What’s happening?
Please.
Don’t do it this way.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.  

Eighteen years old,
Tears
Broken
Mind exploding with assumptions
Intuition telling the worst of tales
Distrustful
Hurt
Why this pain?

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.  

Eighteen years old,
Bitter
Am I jealous?
This isn’t good…
What’s happened to me?
Helpless and
Still true
I love you
But...
Who knows why?

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Eighteen years old,
And here come apologies
A letter…. I love letters
And
I love you too
Still,
Somehow.
It's true.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Eighteen years old
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
Sad
Hurt
Insecure
Doubtful
Distrustful
Broken
Beyond belief
Empty.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Eighteen years old
And
I keep crying
I cried because you were so caring towards to me the other day
And it was so sweet.
I cried because you hugged me and let me cry on you
I cried because I love staring into your deep soulful eyes
I cried because I feel so much, all the time, for you
I cried because sometimes I truly hate how much
I love you.

I love you,
Goodnight
Every night, since forever ago
Rhythm
Routine
Family, friends
Taken for granted, yet
True.

Eighteen years old,
And goodnight dear one,
I still really do love you. 
And, I promise you 
All of this is true.

I felt like you went and walked all over my love for you.

You make me feel safe.
From what?
I do not know
It's just that
when I'm with you
and you let me
Hide my face against you as you
Hold me
I feel okay.
But now,
I'm scared to
let myself feel
like that
Again.

I’m scared to let go now
But I want to so badly
For you,
Again.

Standing still
Breath uneven
Gaze slipping down the snowy tracks
I watch
exasperated as you stutter
reasons
You can't
like the way
the slush clings
to my heart
unwilling to stop
Skiing,
I glance around at the beautiful
You
Breath uneven
You're laughing
Over me
The altitude,
And I can't think of anything else
Clouds gathering
The future
And I'm confused
As the rain melts down me
Breath uneven
My body
One great icicle
You see
Breath uneven
I'm crying
Snow dances
Weaving frozen tears
Together
Breath uneven
Blizzard
We can't find
The way back
to where
We began
But there's no forgetting
the journey
Here
I'm lost but found
Breath uneven
As your eyes
Tell me
Everything.

I wish we could go to sleep
and dream ourselves
into each other's arms.

You're the one I turn to at the end of every day
In the middle of every sorrow
The beginning of every thought.
You're the one who pulls me in,
when my dreams have come to naught.
You're the one who has held my heart
since those early days of braces and angst
You're the one I always sit next to, when I need someone to lean against.
You're the one who despite the pain and sadness can always make me smile
The boy who's got me wrapped up
in this ****** blanket of emotional denial.

Lost
in your heart
You wonder
if anyone will want you.
You don't understand
the wrench
the stealing force
taking you
away.
Away.
Away from me.
It's not enough.
To want,
It's not enough.
No.
Because the twisted sheets
whisper a story
and the worn deep mattress
murmurs
the truth.
When sleep won't rob you
When desire won't heal you
When fun won't sidetrack you
When your mind can't stop going
back there
So don't you know that you matter?
No
You know, I don't say it, just to say it.
I say it because...
I love you.

We’re trapped
We were trying to find ourselves
And we did
But in each other
And then we crashed apart
Because the end of it was over.

The sadness has wrapped around my body.
Every night, it tries to strangle me.
My throat closes up,
Like I’ve swallowed my heart,
And the rain of my tears
Starts pouring.

I don’t know what to do from here
I don’t know where to go,
There’s so much to say
Yet so few words
And I want to just hold you,
But no.

Alone,
But as children, we don’t really understand or notice.
I still don’t understand it.
Why does it happen?
It’s not like I was bullied or that they didn’t like me specifically
More that I was invisible.
I didn’t know where I stood; sand shifted beneath my bare feet.
I was stuck inside the image of a little girl
The tall one with shy eyes.
As years passed, the little girl changed and grew
But no one seemed to notice that she was different from before.
I was so lonely then.
Classmates went on with their lives, had their fun together, left her behind.
She was the quiet, studious one in their minds,
But really, all she wanted was to know she wasn’t alone.
I spent time with these people every day for nine years, and yet…
And yet I still managed to get left behind in the depth of my thoughts, while they developed lifelong connections.
I don’t know what makes such things happen…
Is it lack of confidence? Lack of courage? Lack of initiative?
I ask myself now.
At the time, I simply wondered
What was wrong with me.

More years passed
Here and there, I found a friend.
But I was still alone because I couldn’t share my thoughts and feelings with them; they couldn’t relate to me
So I couldn’t be as I longed to be, even though at the time, I wasn’t sure what that was like.
For so long, I thought I knew who I was.
But I didn’t.
Not really.
My identity flopped around like a fish out of water
As I tried to find my place in the world
As I tried to find myself.

I tried to lose myself in books.
Maybe I thought that the stories would help me to know that I wasn’t really alone;
That I wasn’t insane.
Wanting to fit in isn’t the same as wanting to know you aren’t alone.
But I didn’t know how to separate the two.
The girl tried many things.
But nothing seemed to work.
She was unable to change her inner opinions and morals to match theirs.
She just wasn’t like them.
She didn’t like the same music as they did, she didn’t like shopping, she didn’t watch TV
She knew she couldn’t and wouldn’t ever be like them.
She loved to travel, she loved nature, she loved to read…
But I do not think she was sure if
She loved herself.

So I was different.
Being different isn’t bad
Unique.
It is a good thing.
But at that time in my life when I was wandering through a desert of unsureness and self-doubt,
It was a hard thing to realize.
So I was a lone wolf, wise beyond her years, trying to find acceptance and understanding in her pack.
I never found it there.

Unconsciously, I wasn’t myself for many years.
Not really.
Rare were the times I spoke out
Rare were the times I chose to make decisions; decisions that might have been judged or disliked by the pack.
And rare were the times
I felt that I was truly a part of something.
Instead, I felt apart from something…
Although there are happy memories
The loneliness was definite…
but thankfully, it was finite.
Still I scrambled to get my footing upon the shifting sands of my life.
I couldn’t figure out where I could possibly belong.
The chafing of my self-doubt made everything worse.

Despite the reassurance from the deep hearts of older, more experienced veterans of that thing we call loneliness,
I was very lost and confused.
Perhaps I could have taken my situation and molded it like wet sand into something else, Something better.
But I was scared
I wasn’t brave enough
And I couldn’t change myself for anything or anyone.

It isn’t just fairy tales that are allowed to have
Happy endings.
For, as I said, my loneliness was finite.
Three years ago, the sands shifted.
And I could finally stand up
Without losing
My footing
Without losing confidence in myself.
I don’t know
How it happened.
I was sick of always being a follower.
I wanted to make my own foot prints in fresh snow.
So I stepped off the conveyer belt of the vast majority
And allowed the river to carry me to where I was supposed to be.
Finally.
I am happy
I am me
And I am free!

When we dance
I'm drowning
Warm chocolate
Eyes draw me in
Swallowing me
A warm embrace
Dark
Mystery
Mixed with a sprinkle
Of salt, flirtation
melted
And smooth admiration,
The enigma
Of being lost but found
All at once.

With each step
The cliff crumbles
Until I've fallen
Into the the sparkling mystery
The fiery gaze
The heady dance
Again.

No longer do I stumble, only
Because I'm constantly
Free-falling
Deeper.

Inhalation
Choke on confusion
Cold refusal
Cautious desire
The chill of the night
Sprints down my spine.

Confusion
Repels
The desire and refusal
Like oil in water
Pushing away
The others.

Exhalation
The desire holds
My heart
With a wild strength
Like steel.
Steals my lungs
Battles the confusion
Harbored there
And stays in my chest
Content
Like a dragon in its cavern to
Celebrate at last
Its victory
With eternal flame and glory.

I'm still in free fall
But it's like
Being on a cloud
Forever and in
A moment
Every single time
I catch your eye
For a second
Too long
It's been since we danced
But when we do,
I think I'll know
This whole experience
Has been
Worth it.

Every moment.

I'm still drowning
But I'm not scared
Anymore
Because of your hand on my waist
And your eyes
Holding mine
I know
All is well.

Some people obviously can't see
past the wall.
I think you can though.

Tell me who you are and what you are
Tell me what you fear
Tell me your life
Your past, your future
Tell me your disappointments
Your discoveries
Tell me what you want,
How you'll get it
Tell me a story,
I care about the ending.

A distant love felt
earth and ocean together
but the waves don't come
just subside to mirror shards
far away from them is spring.

Warmth
The feeling instantaneous
Around my closed eyes
Breath soothing bare skin
Soft gaze
Slipping into an embrace
Like the fur of a caterpillar
Tickling my heart.

Puzzle pieces are like people...
They're confusing
and hard
to distinguish from all
the others
But once you do
distinguish them
they can be
the most important piece of all.

Two hearts
embrace
his arms
warm
her
trusting eyes
caressing
lingering whisper
deja vu
but never before.
a dream
an eternity
a moment
In their big little world
Time.

Gone like memories
trailing through the years
Back again, like deja vu
down a river of tears

Gone like ink to paper,
Gone like autumn leaves
into a momentous nothing
Gone like a mug of tea

Gone like petals
torn from a rose
Like confidence and living
A song of time, composed.

This place is blank
Empty and dank
Like cellars are
At a popular bar
And the lines are blue
Like the sky is too
And the tall red tower
Holds all of the power
Like the queen of the land
With her scepter in hand
Or a fierce mountain, tall
The strongest of them all.

Disapproving
Gray clouds
Who ate the sunshine
For breakfast
Come all of the memories,
Raindrops;
They slip down her cheeks
The ocean swallowed a sky of possibilities
The moon turned its face away,
Wistfully
A single flower grew among the weeds,
but the harsh wind
Of an unforgotten past
Slashed away its
Dreams.
Glass everywhere
Shattered against a wall
Of indifference
A goblet brimming with love
And stolen wishes.
The storm within her heart
Ice shards
Stab mercilessly
Into the serenity
Of oak trees
Smooth lakes
Her thoughts.
Chaotic turmoil
Like a little sailboat
Tossed to and fro
By stormy seas.
Nightmare twisted
Warped,
Like the web of a giant spider,
Dreams.
Trapped.
Entangled by the giant spider's willful thread
Wings broken, freedom lost
Such a cost, such a cost.

But
Night ends
Eventually.
And then
There is a something.
It flits, dancing, through
Wise trees
Hearts
Ice
Dark
Frozen relics
Of stormy
Centuries.
Hope
A rainbow of colors
Gleaming on her eyelash.
Not forgotten.
Light
Embraces
Patient oak.
Curls up,
Happy
Like a cat
Content to be where she is
At last.

The struggle
To stay awake
Wind rattling
Whistles through a sleeping house and the
Closed door,
Your brain
Silhouetted on the wall.
Scribble furiously
The eyebrows of the shadow scrunched
Concentration.
Frustration.
Exhaustion.
"tion"
Nostalgi­a. You ponder words
Longingly.
The numbers
They flap madly about
Like confused geese
When it's warm
In January.
Reminisce
Back when it was simple
Life
Problems
Math exams
Normal, that golden
Score, gleaming.
The knowledge of perfection
Written neatly
At the top of the mountain.
Years into the future
Dreaming of reaching that summit
Once more.