I've seen you cry one too many times this year.

and it's too late for an apology- but I will say this:

You waited anxiously for nine months for my adoption papers and immigration requirements to make or break the family you wanted to raise. Thank you.

When I came home crying in the ninth grade, begging to change schools because the girls in my class wouldn't stop calling me "*****", you tore up your roots and left all your friends so that you could give me an opportunity to be happy. Thank you.

After you caught me lighting fires in the kitchen during the last stretch of middle school, you dug to the depths of your wallet and entered me in therapy sessions. Thank you.

Midnight of the week I was supposed to go to London, you came down to the bus stop that I was waiting at with all the emergency vehicles. You checked me into a psychiatric hospital as soon as I was released from police custody in the hopes that a clinical environment would help me heal faster. Thank you.

When you found out that I had put myself into a dangerous situation, you locked down my personal things and put passwords and restrictions around me so I would be safe from the predators of this society. Thank you.

All those times I chose not to come home, all those times I locked myself in the bedroom and wouldn't speak- It was guilt. How could I face the one person who has essentially given up everything for me, just to tell her I'd made another mess that she'd have to clean up?

How could I come home to the thought that I'd failed yet again?

How could I say to my mother, who has sacrificed unquestioningly each and every day so that I could have the comfortable life I've lived, that I wasn't able to be the bigger person?

That I lost another friend, that I'd broken a law, that despite the happy home environment she'd done everything she can to create– I still found myself wanting to die at night. That I still couldn't see past the disappointments of my errors.

You've done everything for me without complaint, and on this day I couldn't be ****** enough to even say "good morning."

It's too late for an apology, but I will say this:

I cannot see myself being big enough to support the two of us in the way that you have. I cannot imagine giving up the freedoms and the niceties that you have for me. I cannot grasp the concept of selflessness over selfishness.

Mom, I love you.

Please forgive me for being so difficult.

I could tell you how I am
or I could show you

but I can't.

Show you, I mean

My pain is more than skin-deep
I carry around emotional baggage
just under my eyes
and drag it with me,
suitcases full of decaying memories

If you choose not to consider me as part of your life
and leave my memory to rot and linger for months
then ******* for trying to push back into my head
and pretend you care

If you think I'm about to let you into my life
when you haven't so much as asked me
if I even want you there
then ******* for trying to push back into my head
and pretend that you care

I'm just fine, thanks.
I'm great, actually.
Life goes on with or without you.

It's not that I hate you
or want you to leave me alone,
no,
it's so much more than that

I need you by my side
I need you to check up on me
I need you to show me that you care

and as soon as you do that,
I'll spit right in your face
Cut you down to size so you
never make the mistake of trusting me again

When you're gone,
I'm so alone

So I sit alone in my room at night,
watch lightning tear apart the sky
and I take paper cutters
and razor blades
to the tips of my fingers
so all my scars
all my pain
and all of me
remains invisible

Sometimes I want to just
erase everything

Start over

Redo

I want to take back the things I said

I want to start over with you,
let me introduce myself

I want to redo
All of my mistakes

Because I'm not sure if I learned from them

So let's just erase
Everything that happened

Make new mistakes
And learn to be

Imperfect

A tribute to the shallow scars on my back
from the peeling edges of her 6-inch heels
when her knees were on my shoulders
and I teased the alphabet into her lips

Homage to the bruises on my neck and chest
from her strawberry-wax coated lips
when her blunt white teeth scraped words
across my skin

Here’s to the video footage we captured
with her laptop camera, sitting on a desk
Broadcasting us both to the other side of the world

Ode to your girlfriend, screaming my name
Ode to her fingers and tongue
Ode to your girlfriend, taste-testing me
Ode to making her

Rock­a­bye baby...

High on the rocks

Thinking you’re safe,

and god knows you’re not

Baby is sleeping,

unknowing of its fate

Far, far down

there lies a frozen lake

For when the wind blows,

the cradle will fall

splinter to pieces

like a shabby wooden wall

Here the wind comes,

gentle and sweet

Planning the gruesome,

drawn­out death

the poor baby will soon meet

Forward and back,

the cradle will rock

The wind will softly caress,

all the way down

until the baby’s skull

shatters on the dock

From the high rooftops,

into the sea

No one could hear

the poor baby’s screams

Rock­a­bye baby,

high on the rocks

Thinking you’re safe

and god knows you’re not

What's that? - he said
You know - I said
Why'd you take them? - he asked
Reasons - I said
He paused
I waited

You don't need them. - he said

Pardon my presence,
But I'm waiting for a friend

Excuse my desolation,
he said he'd be here in a minute

Sorry I'm in your way,
I thought he might call

I can't move, no, he won't see me
if I'm not right where he told me to wait

I apologize for inconviniencing you,
but I'm waiting for a friend

He said he'd come
He said he'd call
He said he'd be here

I'll move my bag

Here, let me get out of your way

No, I don't need a ride

I was waiting for a friend,
he said he'd stop by

Not a single material thing will ever
make me happy

Not even **love

Maybe.

I love my family.
But I hate spending time with them.

My grandma babbles about the "good ol' days",
an aunt stirs her tea.

The cousins are running wild "Who's watching them?"
Right, me.

My mother brags about her eldest daughter
and all her achievements;

I actually don't exist.

My uncle barks a drunken epithet,
hands slam on the table
laughter shakes shoulders.

Talk of kindergarten politics is touched upon.
The gays? They exist.
The poor? They're, well, poor.
The coloreds? Are they still here?

Dice are tossed,
feet shuffle under the table.

The dog yaps for scraps.

Uncle goes outside with a cigarette
takes a puff.

Auntie doesn't wanna go to bed,
says "a slavelord woulda haveta whip me to get me off this chair."

I decide I've had enough.

I get up for another drink.

I love my family.
But I hate spending time with them.

"This isn't fun anymore"
come on baby let me just finish
"I don't want to"
I tried to push him away but
wait babe I'm not done
he was heavy and everything hurt
"Stop I'm done, stop"
and he had me drunk and high
"Stop"
I didn't know where I was
"I'm done it isn't fun anymore"
or who he was
wait just- I'm hitting it good right?
It was all I could do not to cry
just shut down and wait it out
but I couldn't close my eyes
because the smoke he gave me
was laced in something
"Can't we be done? I wanna leave"
ahhhh there we go
Now I was
sticky,
smelly,
soiled
and sick
"Take me back to my stuff"
*I hit it good, right?"
He didn't deserve an answer
So the tears rolled hot and
silent
down my face

so who does that make me?
am I one person?

or six?

do you exist?
or are you some twisted nightmare I live again and again

if I **** myself, will I die? Or wake up to the next circle of hell?

if I'm delusional
where does my reality stand?

Let's talk about heartbreak
and the feeling of being torn apart from the inside out.
We'll talk about the relentless waterfalls streaming down your face,
talk about the emptiness and numbness when the hurt is finally done

Let's talk about pain
and the absolute lack of physical ability to even register the effects on your mind.
We'll talk about how much you don't want to talk about it,
talk about how alone you feel and how helpless you think you are

Let's talk about humiliation
and the loss of control.
We'll talk about your need to stay hidden behind plaster walls of makeup,
talk about how you can't even stand to hear your own voice or see your own pretty face

Let's talk about depression
and the lack of emotion
We'll talk about how dark your world is,
talk about how tomorrow is unfathomable and today is unbearable

Let's talk...

Whatever memory of you
Whatever small tribute to us
A physical manifestation of days gone by

I broke
Destroyed
Tore at the seams

And I'm not sure what can be repaired

"What did you do?"
Nothing
"What did you do?"
.... Nothing
He stared me down
for a solid minute
"What did you do?"
I stayed quiet
"What did you do?"
I...
"What?"
"What. Did. You. Do?"
I hooked up with...
"What? Louder?"
Evan
He stared me down
Unblinking
Turned his head away
Didn't speak to me
when I tried to change
the conversation topic
"Hey?"
Nothing
"Did you know, uh,"
silence
"that snails grow their shells?"
I tried to break the quiet
Slowly, measuredly
he said in even tones
"Get your ****."
I was quiet this time
"Go."
What?
"I said get
your ****
and

i shoot candy coloured liquor into my veins
and sing high notes I can't hit

i killed a man once with my words
and was convicted of a felony I had nothing to do with

I guard myself from a cruel world I've never seen
and poets say they talk to their hearts

But I don't talk to my heart
my heart talks to me

remember the time
we stole a car and hotboxed the backseat

remember the time
you swore no one saw us
steaming up the windows
with your lips between my hips

remember the time
we nearly got caught
sitting by the river
with your hands up my shirt

remember the time
the kid from gym punched you in the eye
and called you a ******

remember the time
he was sent home with a broken wrist
and I got detention

remember the time
we lied in your bed
listening to each other's heartbeats

remember the time
your mother asked
"How come you've never brought home
a nice boy?"

remember the time
you told me you loved me
and I wanted to slit my throat open

remember the time
I tried to say goodbye,
but all I could muster was "I hate you."

remember the time
we tried to coexist
and I destroyed my mind
trying to get rid of memories

remember the time
we said hi in a coffee shop
and never spoke again

remember the time
we met?
Mutual class friends
invited us to a club

remember the time
we hit it off by the bar
and you told me I was funny

remember the time
you invited me out
and then invited me home

remember the time
we made a joint blog

remember the time
we planned our wedding

remember the time
you introduced me to your dog

remember the time
I told you I was unstable

remember the time
I told you we would never work out

I was hoping you'd notice my absence.
I wanted you to be hurt when you realised
that I didn't say goodbye.

I was hoping you'd assume that I
no longer want you in my life.
I wanted you to cry when you realised
I had cut you out of my life.

I was hoping you'd know what you'd lost.
I wanted you to be in pain when you realised
that you almost had me, but now I'm
gone.

I feel like I'm being held back
Or maybe like I'll have a panic attack

Those I care about don't feel the same for me
And I can't help but feel like I'll never be free

If I stay too long I'll disappear
I'll bid you adieu and see you next year

I'm not saying you're inadequate, but
someone will always be better than you
the moment you decide you are not good enough

1) I want one thing from you:

Love, attention, love & attention
Pay attention to my love

2) I want nothing from you

No love, no care, no attention
Leave me grinning and bare

3) I don't want you

Your heart is too full,
there is no room for me

4) I want your best

Say "no", I dare you
Give to me gifts
Give to me YOU

5) I want one thing from you

Deny Me Nothing

I know you
In fact, I know everything about you

I know the way you tie your hair up,
Left hand over right in a loose bun
twist once, twice, and then shake

I know what music you listen to,
Alternative rock, at half volume
and you skip nearly half the songs
past the first forty-five seconds

I know the way you dress,
but in fact, you never wear dresses

I know the way you think,
You used to have a mantra
"Concealer is for girls who have something to hide"

I know what shoes you wear,
and you tie the laces of your boots
in a double knot

I know the way you look at people,
you refuse to see only the surface
but your judgement is critical

I know you because we're
together always

I know you
I know everything about you

But I'm not obsessed with you,
I am you

I've gotten into the habit
of sleeping with friends

I'm not guilty of ****,
don't get me wrong

But I do have issues
ask anyone

And honestly
I'm not sure where
or how I get off

There's something about
knowing someone forever

and then knowing them
completely differently
the next day over

I thought maybe
this could be my chance
to get what I've always wanted

though it was probably a mistake
to think he wanted me like this

probably a mistake
to think he wanted me at all

Doesn’t it all get to me in the mornings
Before i’ve eaten anything
before I’ve done my hair and makeup
i build up my walls and open the gates
because someone promised me
id get something today

but it was all for nothing
because its over before it started
and now I’m alone on the couch
with a bottle of irish coffee
waiting for the pills to kick in

Maybe we cling to what isn’t real

So when I found you I latched on for life

And I knew it would fall to pieces, because it started out not quite whole

If you were looking for a girl, she died long ago

I stayed by the sides of the one’s who silenced my cries for help

Who told me keep quiet, put my safety on a shelf

I was so innocent...

That’s my appeal

Pretend I have the body of a child, but a grown woman’s mind

Because actually having the body of a child wasn’t a clear enough line

You jump in the deep end not knowing what you’ll find

An ocean full of corpses and bits of a hopeless mind

You’ll reach out to touch only to watch me cringe because the last one who ever saw

my skin

Told me he loved me

Told me he was there for me

Told me to leave my friends behind

Told me that only he could make me happy

If I went with him, he promised to be kind

He told me he loved me

And the boundaries of his love were based on how much skin was in his sight

Everybody leaves, blaming me, saying I didn’t try

I’m too sad to live, too much of a coward to die

Maybe the truth is that I put on a smile, because I’m too tired to cry

I want to be wanted, but no one wants ME

I’m the reason everybody leaves.

I’m a vapid *****

I’m a stupid *****

I’m a Russian-*******-doll, nothing inside me but me myself and I

I’m useless, can’t you tell? I’m not worth keeping around

I’m a warning sign

I’m a wailing siren

I can’t even be bothered to keep my feet on the ground

So when the opportunity came, I fell into whatever arms would hold me

But they were the same ones that broke me

Because the last one who ever saw my skin,

Called me “his”

I was the apostrophy at the end of his name

Because what we had was a cat and mouse game

And you...

You were quite the same

It was my fault, I know

Thinking that two broken people could come together as whole

I’d lie awake next to you, imagining happiness

Is this it? Is love supposed to feel like this?

I thought that maybe what I needed was someone to fix me

But that didn’t explain why I felt so empty every time you kissed me

And being with you was like drowning in liquor

the more you have, the sips get quicker

But too much of a good thing makes you want to *****

Stand over the toilet till your nose is hearing comets

And you.

You told me you loved me.

I’m so sorry

I’m so so sorry I said it too

I’m sorry I got all hung up, sending texts “when can I see you”?

I’m sorry the only time you heard a compliment is when our legs were wrapped together

I’m sorry the only admiration I gave you was in response to pictures on the phone

I’m sorry, so sorry for what I became

Because for once I had the upper hand in this sick little game

See,

He told me I was beautiful, but only in the sheets

He told me that he wanted me, drunk and half asleep

He told me that he cared, but only if he approved of the clothes I would wear

I only loved you with a bottle in my hand

I only needed you in an empty bed

I only wanted you when you started to show that you didn’t want me, too

I’m sorry, so sorry for what I became

But you told me you loved me.

And then you got up and left

I’m a vapid *****

And a stupid *****

I’m a broken doll you didn’t need anymore

Everyone leaves, no one says why

The least you could have said was a simple goodbye.

when I wanted to turn my wrists into christmas gifts and slice them with paper cutters to see if I could find a better tomorrow written in my veins

where were you

when I wanted to pour my tears into a Xanax and Clorox cocktail and get buzzed on the thought of angel wings tearing my back open

where were you

when I took a heart shaped box full of rotted sweets and poured it in the gasoline that lit our first kiss, watching the good intentions burn to ash on the pavement

where were you

when I tore up the tear-stained ink-heavy pages of love notes and tossed them into my backyard stream

where were you

when I took off the bracelet you made me and tied it to the traffic sign on the bridge where the police found me

where were you

when I was handcuffed to a bench in a stone holding room singing our song over and over again, screaming unintelligibly at every officer who asked for my name

where were you

when I called every night, wondering why you decided not to speak to me anymore

where were you

when I checked my messages and saw "*****" where I said "sweetheart", "******* ******" where I said "I'm sorry."

where were you

when I tied my last hope to a tree on the beach and swung from it

where were you

when I prayed the rope would snap just as easily as my heart did

where were you

when I stood on your doorstep in the rain, wishing that I didn't remember your address

where were you

when I was passed out on the curb, drunk and alone

where were you

when I was curled under a desk, screaming at the rain and kicking the locked doors

where were you

when I was at the cliffs, counting the jutted rocks and trying to measure the exact angle I would need to fall

where were you

when I finally decided enough was enough,
and took every piece of my glass heart and used it to carve a new person

But love,

where were you

when I needed someone to hold me while I was hurting?

She was an empty girl with worlds on her arms
Swirling, shifting, kaleidoscope dreams

She was a quiet girl with tears in her eyes
Dripping, blossoming, nourishing streams

She was a strong girl with blood on her hands
Slipping, chafing, encouraging pain

She was an important girl with jewels in her crown
Shining, glistening, cavalier fame

In her stream of consciousness
falling, falling, falling, falling

Until all that was left was an empty corpse
white, dry, draining life

Do it for me, or else, he said.
Who would you call for help? Who would care?
Guilty as sin to whoever's looking in, better do it now.

Do it for me, or else, he said.
Go ahead try to hide, try to lie if they pry.
Guilty as sin. Better do it now before someone looks in.
It's as much your fault as it was his.

Go ahead, try to lie. Try to hide if they pry.
You should know better, better than him.
It's as much your fault as it was his.
You're naive as a dog, begging for meat.

He should know better, better than you.
One night gone awry turned a girl into two.
Begging for meat, naive as a dog.
He was the father of a daughter born from violence.

One night gone awry turned a girl into two.
Who would care? Who would you call for help?
The father of your daughter born from violence.
It was painful.

but she's dead now. I've called it an accident for years now,
it's like an inside joke between me myself and all my secrets

I'm not a killer,
I promise. Ignore the broken spine and lifeless eyes, I promise you I didn't **** her because I'm not a killer.

Sure she hit the ceiling. Sure she hit the floor, sure I heard her last breath and realised she wasn't screaming anymore.

But I'm not a killer. No, I swear I didn't **** her.

You'll never hear from her, but it wasn't me of course not. I would never **** her, because *I am not a killer.

You, I love

Not "I love you"
me first, I this
me that
me before you

You, I love

Your smile, I love
Your mind, I love

Your kindness, I love
Your wrath, I love

Your imagination, I love
Your creativity, I love

Your confusion, I love
Your curiosity, I love

Your voice, I love
Your laugh, I love

You, I love

You before me,
no matter what *we do.
Because it is you whom I love.

Wounds still hurt
words still sing
Heart's still break
blood still bleeds

You wish it all away when you throw out the christmas tree
but nothing changes when the calendar does.

I am so ******* happy
for the first time in years

Finally no more sitting
on the ground
choking back tears

Can I rejoice?

To be a stupid pawn
in this game called Life
was not my choice

But oh, thank god
thank god, thank god,

It's over.
It's over and we don't have to talk about it anymore.

Ridge
(as in steep precarious drops into nothingness)

I'm surrounded by "almost"s and idk what to do with it. You know, like a marionette doll.

I'm entirely dead, but when something needs to be done- someone can just tug the strings and I'll limp off in the general direction regardless of whether I want to or not.

Nouns with no verbs,
adjectives with no subject.

I didn't sleep that night, I was up all night questioning my existence.
Literally questioning my existence. It was intense. Just heard my mom's voice on a loop
"It's not real"
"Yes, I believe you might be experiencing uncertainty about your identity but personality disorders aren't real"
"They're not real"
"That's not the kind of thing you just bring up in conversation, it's not just an everyday topic"
"stop pretending to be them"
"it's not real"
"not real"
"not real"

I slept very little

I just
kinda feel like a lab animal on a surgery table. Can't do anything to help myself, just hope that the end is quick whatever it may be.

Is this the ridge?

I've been hit by a wave of helplessness

A feeling of imminent something
that's about to happen

I see it most, clouded in red, when I'm in my room faced with a mountain of "not done yet"

I feel it most when on scales, unevenly balanced and soon to tip

Stay? Go?
Hold on? Let go?

I'm with it most when I see the boxes spilling from every corner of my life

Memories screaming dont leave me
Don't leave me

I live it most when tearing down photos, ripping down paintings,
giving away keepsakes

I taste it in the air when I'm driving with the windows down,
Wind roaring at me, children's rhymes taunting

I can smell it in the foods I eat,
the restaurants I might never see again

I hear it loudest in the words I speak, goodbyes all waiting at the back of my tongue
Yet shy of hellos still to come

I live it when I pack my bags,
zip and unzip my suitcases

I am tortured by it while I consolidate my life down into a single box

A feeling
A valley
A sinking, dreaded chasm

I'm standing on the edge

Of unfinished business

I took a risk with you
and I won't regret it

Just as long as you don't

I’ve been chasing stars
scratching shiny cars

Looking for a way out
of my own milky­ eyed galaxy

Racing rotted leaves
tattooing names in trees

Climbing into basements
of abandoned penthouse suites

Punching holes in drywall
burning up the skies

looking for a way in
to never­-open eyes

I’ll write “forever” on a heart
that doesn’t beat in time

“Love” inside a soul
that just wants to die

I’ve been trailing stars

Stealing brand­ new cars

Looking for a way out
of curdled white regret

******* isn’t a very pretty word, so let’s pretend it wasn’t. We’ll say it was... love.
Or do they call it making love? Does it matter if that wasn’t what it was?
Recall I don’t love you and neither you me. It doesn’t really matter because what will we ever be?
Curled up next to you almost made me think I was happy. I’ll say it was... infatuation.
Enamored, maybe, I was. But then again you were only using me, weren’t you darling?
Don’t pretend you don’t remember those three nights. I can help you out if you’d like.

Teasing was all it was supposed to be. Do you remember the taste of my lips? I remember yours.
Re: not the ones on your face. But from a legal standpoint, do you know what you did?
All that fun we had? You drugged me, used me, and took advantage of me. I swear you did.
Unless I was high the whole time, I’m fairly certain your boyfriend was filming us.
Might I add that he could be arrested for exploiting a minor?
And you, too, for ****. But don’t worry, we were just *******. Right?

But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that. What we made was love, remember?
Love, like when you spiked my coffee. Love, when you watched me strip. Love...
Uncouth is how I would describe the things we said to each other. Bad words, bad words.
Now I just want to tell you one thing, and don’t take it the wrong way.
Te amo, mi amor. I hope you burn in hell but only when you treat me well.

I will eventually
convince myself

That this means
absolutely nothing

I will eventually
be rid of the stickiness
that is the pain
of anything near me

touching my skin
and making my mind
revolve around strange
things

I sometimes think of sin

Of all things

I think about how wrong,
how it’s bad

Society says no
they all just want us
to go

It was my insecurity
it was my discomfort

It was the pressure from you
and all that wouldn’t fit

Everything that just
didn’t work

And so I threw a fit

I’m sorry.

Right?

Is that what
I should say?

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry

Saying it again
would make everything
okay

But it doesn’t.

The pain of
what used to be

The thought
of what could’ve
been

The memories
of the hurt,
everything
that really
just wouldn’t
work

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry

It is working yet?

Why am I doing this?

It wasn’t me,
I promise

Why am I
apologizing?

In reality,
who’s fault was it?


Why did you
try to convince
me that
everything was okay?

I’m sorry but

I think it’s

time to say that

it wasn’t me,

it was you

so this is

ultimum valae.

She was an empty girl with worlds on her arms
Swirling, shifting, kaleidoscope dreams

She was a quiet girl with tears in her eyes
Dripping, blossoming, nourishing streams

She was a strong girl with blood on her hands
Slipping, chafing, encouraging pain

She was an important girl with jewels in her crown
Shining, glistening, cavalier fame

In her stream of consciousness
falling, falling, falling, falling

Until all that was left was an empty corpse
white, dry, draining life

i wonder what it's like to be so scared
of every decision

of every word, every action
every relationship, interaction
and conversation

i mean... I'm certainly not curious enough to find out

I thought about how much you hated my drinking habit.

I've decided to smoke a cigarette for every night you made me cry.

You like games, don't you?

Here, let's play...

Whoever dies first-
wins.

that i did not lose my mind
i know exactly where it is

it just is not with me

no one gave any ***** about me,
so I don't have any ***** to give to you darling

It's honestly not healthy, how sick I sometimes get

I have a set of records between myself and I:

I once went nine days without showering

Three days without eating

Two days without talking

One day without my mind even in the right places

The record I'm working on now  darker, nastier and I can't believe I've even touched it

I had gone a year without--

And then a month without----

But then those scores broke and I'm not even down to an hour without----

makes me sick to my stomach

I had the unfortunate opportunity of walking past you in a hallway

cried when I got home

I will not waste another ten dollar's worth of mascara on you
**You're not ******* worth my tears

By now,
I am just so **** sick of caring

You and I
stood hand in hand

You and I
walked in the sand

You and I
were together once

You and I
would never let go

You and I
reached out over water

You and I
left footprints in the dirt

You and I
were fraying memories

You and I
held on as long as we could

You and I
were always separate

We were notwithstanding