If I could go back in time and have a conversation with myself from 4 years ago I would in a heartbeat.

Not to warn her about anything or to tell her to do things differently but just to simply tell her that she is going to be ok.

Most of the things she is or will worry about work themselves out one way or another and that I am so proud of her

That its ok that she is different to the people she knows because she is going to meet people that like that about her people that make her laugh and smile instead of break her down

I just want to tell her everything is going to be alright because I know that's what she needs to hear

And in my mind I scream at him,
 
"HOLD ME."

Do something, anything to show me you care.

But he didn't move a muscle.

I love you,and I'm so tired of being alone.

My whole life I've been told to speak less or softer, that if I just tried "toning it down" maybe people wouldn't find me as overbearing, more approachable, even more feminine. Years of trying shrink myself into other peoples idea of acceptable has only led to self doubt, anxiety and self destructive behavior. I refuse to spend another second tearing myself apart to fit into boxes other people created for me. I am loud, opinionated, messy and much more . If thats "to much" for you, then so be it. I will no longer apologize for the space I occupy in this world.

I don’t want to plaster on a ton  of make up to be told I'm beautiful
                                        
I want someone to look at me when im 100% me and say that they still love me

I want to be comfortable enough to get out the shower put on your hoodie and to have you still want me

The reason I have the make up, straight hair and tight clothing is because without all that fakeness someone would finally decide if they like me for me          

And I'm to scared to hear the answer

I think I could lie in bed with you forever,
And still lose myself in your eyes every time you smile.

I could kiss you all day,and still need a good bye kiss when you leave.

God...

You're going to completely destroy me, aren't you?

You are worth more than you give yourself credit for

Its bad now

But we have been happy before and we will be again

I promise

You are beautiful and loved and worth it.

She wore all

Black

But her heart bled

COLOUR

Ending a relationship is like breaking a glass.

If you stand up and calmly, pick up the pieces, and carefully clean up. All you'll have lost is some time and the glass.

If you rush and get angry, or act irrationally, you will get cut and end up unnecessarily hurt.

Commitment issues aren't that hard to have when you have nothing and no one.

Being all alone, the only thing I have to commit to is breathing

And I've grown quiet fond of that...

Falling asleep, with your arms wrapped around me.Encasing me.

Drifting into unconscious.

Feeling completely safe.

And waking up.Not fully.

But just enough to see the new days sun.

When I gingerly touch your hip. 

You turn and wrap me in your arms once
again.As if it was second nature.

As if this action, was embedded into your DNA.

I lay there half asleep.

Listening to your breath.

Anything past the edge of the bed is
Galaxies away.

This moment is ours forever.

No one can take this from us.

Even something as hypnotic and breathtaking as fire, leaves behind something as *****, grey and irrelevant as ash.

Two shattered people not a word spoken

Lying in bed

Holding each other tight

In the Hope's that they can feel just a little less broken

Even if it's just for the night.

You broke my ******* heart.

And you did it from the comfort of your own ******* garden.

While you had a *******  cigarette.

I was curled into the corner of a ******* bathroom, so no one could hear me cry.

I don't ******* cry.
But since then I can't ******* stop.

I can't ******* deal with this.

Why the **** did you do this to me?

I ******* hate you!

Please come back...

I really don't know what he see in me.
When he smiles at me it's actually genuine.
Why.
I just...
I don't understand it.
How can I be sure his intentions are pure?
I really want them to be.
He could be different from the rest.
And trust me the rest, were awful.
He could actually like me for me.
That would be a new one.

So,good luck.
You're going to need it.

So I have decided to be my own hero

Not because I'm a good role model
or someone to look up too

But because it will just be so much easier

My decisions won't shock me
nor will my actions

When we worship people like
John Lennon
Or
Kurt Cobain

The drug use seems so tragic
and the gunshots leave us terrified

But if its just me I won't be taken aback
By how much I have changed

And no one will care about what I do

Cuts on my wrists wouldn't be front page news and my failures will be forgotten and ignored

But most of all I think that if its me

I won't find the drug use that tragic

And the gun shots won't be that terrifying

He made sure to show I belonged to him.
And of course his trade mark,
was a bruise.

When your house isn't safe anymore
And your left avoiding it at any cost
Is it still considered a home ?

Its so much easier to push someone away, than to let yourself become vulnerable.
                                                     ­         
To give them the power to hurt you.

Showing your true feelings is relinquishing all your power.

You're trusting them not to take advantage of your weaknesses.

And that, is an absolutely ridiculous notion.

Once weakness is spoted, it is used and abused, untill you are just a quivering mess lying on the floor, wondering how you ever let yourself get into such a situation.

I will not be:
Vulnerable  
Powerless
Weak

I am strong, because people don't know the real me, and that's how its going to stay.

I knew it was wrong from the very start

I should have never let myself indulge
In this pathetic idea of us

But there I was, hoping to see you around the corner and when you were there my day suddenly had a purpose

I started to need you around and couldn't help but smile when you looked at me

I thought I had picked up on little hints from you.

That maybe you liked being around me as much as I liked being around you

That maybe you waited around the corner until I was there so you could "bump" into me

God I was such an idiot!

Of course none of it was true there were no hints, no waiting behind corners  

To be honest I'm embarrassed, you probably hated every second you were around me

This is why I don't let these sought of things happen to me but somehow you snuck  through the cracks in my armor

And I couldn't get you out

I really don't know why I expected any different

Especially from you...

Everything I think of killing myself
I start taking my make up off and I look at my eyes.

I've never thought I was beautiful, but my eyes

They're so blue and I think to myself what a waste of good eyes.

Sometime my blue eyes is what keeps me here

Today I woke up and all I wanted with my entire being was for someone to be there next to me to tickle my back.

That's all just someone to tickle my back.

Most days I'm totally okay with being alone but it's moments like this when I crave the company of another.

To be able to call them in the morning and ask them to come over for the day.
                                                                    
And lay in bed all day watching Disney movies wrapped up in each other, exchanging light kisses and inside jokes.

Because there is nothing better than having your back tickled and nothing worse than there being no one to do it.

I see you nearly every day and every times a curse
  
I see you with your judgmental smile and your eyes that cause people to flinch in pain

You walk around like your a giant in a world full of ants  

You trough people under the bus to get what you want, you dance in front of people so that you get every last drop of attention    

I guess its my fault for letting you get to me but I can't help it when I dance and you look at me I feel myself physically shrink

But what's sad is that once you've got that attention and you forced everyone into a black hole of insecurity

You have nothing left because all your so called "friends" hate you they speak to you out of pity.

And the sick thing is I end up feeling sorry for you and it makes me angry because you don't deserve that you deserve exactly what you've got.

And yet I find my self feeling sorry for you once again because your an empty shell and that's all you'll ever be

I love you, you ******* idiot. We could have been everything and you threw it away for some ******* stupid blonde who will only ever last a few months... I would have been there for every ******* birthday, for every ******* Christmas. For any bad times you were going through, I would have stuck through them all just so I could see your smile. And you threw  that away for nothing, and you still can't see what you did to me, and you still can't see how much I cared about you, how much I'll always care about you. ******* for what you did. ******* for breaking me.

No Matter how mad I am at you.

When your hand reaches out for mine, I know I'll let my finger intertwine with yours.

Hell, I'll squeeze your hand tighter.

Everyone always says, that they will always be there for you.

But the truth is, nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly sad.

and that's okay I don't blame them.

I wouldn't want to be around me either.

John Green made me sad in the best possible way...

So thanks

Augustus,who taught me to love people no matter what.

Hazel,for showing me we are all beautiful.

Alaska,for saying its okay to be a bit mischievous.

Pudge,for proving that you don't have to have millions of friends to feel loved.

The Coronel, for teaching me to believe in myself,no matter where I had come from.

Colin,for my eureka moment.

Both Will Graysons,for showing me is okay to not know exactly who you are.

And every character in Paper Towns,who just made me really happy.

But lastly and most importantly I'd like to thank John Green,because you made my life a better place with your books, and for that I'm forever greatful

If I give you a kiss,promise you'll give it back?

Today I told someone that I have dignity and self worth...I lied

I hope I'm not the type of person people tolerate.
              
The type of person that you agree with just to get them so stop speaking.

The type of person who people pity there need for attention.

The type of person who everyone roles there eyes at.
              
The type of person that brings nothing but waisted time when they speak.
                                                        
Really what I'm saying is that, I don't want to be like you...

The simple fact is that, it doesn't take much to make someone else happy.

A simple act if kindness like :

A tight hug
A compliment
A letter
A genuine smile

All these things take hardly any time.
And they could make somebody's:

Day
Week
Month

It could save them.
Spare a second for someone,and maybe they will do the same.

Be a nice person.

I wonder how long it will take him, to realise that being with me, is a mistake.

I need you, and that's what scares me.

Alot has happend in my bed...

A few firsts,
Like the first time I slept with someone, and the first time I told someone I loved them.
Two different boys if you can belive.

It's where I collapse after being away.

It's the home of my childhood teddy.

Where my nightmares take refuge.

Where I take cat nap... with my cat.

I've lay awake sobbing at sad movies, only half because of the movie.

I've slept alone, in someone's arms, and not at all.

Stayed awake making up a million different scenarios, thinking about the universe

To an outsider it's just a bed.

To me it's a life time of memories.

A single rain drop landed just beneath my eye.

It was as if nature was giving me the tear.

That it knew I couldn't shed in front of him.

I wanted him.

I wanted him more than anything.

Every fiber of my body was attracted to this boy.

And I believed every lie he told me, about him wanting me.

Long story short.

He didn't want me at all.

My bad dreams won't leave me alone these thoughts keep circling my sub conscious.

They wait till I'm most vulnerable to attack I can't relax not for a second.

If I do they are there screaming at me over and over again taunting me till I'm awoken in a cold sweat with tear stained cheeks.

I can't go back its too frightening so I sit huddled trying my hardest to  disappear.

Until the light shines through my widow and the screams soften slightly and I am forced to carry on till the next time I'm back in bed and the voices take over once again...

I can't
          Explain it
                           But I'm just not happy...
                                                                       Ever

You always bite my neck before you kiss me.

With us it's always lust over intimacy.

You're careful not to leave a mark, careful not to leave any proof.  

But I can feel it under my skin, it's your way of making sure I can't forget you, while making sure no one else will ever know about us.

It's like your always here, but standing just out of my reach.

One day I'll say no to you,

At least that's what I tell myself everytime you leave.

Please be happy.  
Your smile is beautiful            

Please dont cry.  
Just dry your eyes

Please dont leave me.
Because I wont survive without you
                                                              
P­lease dont lie.          
Because I want to trust you

Please look at me how you look at her.
Because it seems as if shes the only  ******* earth

Please hold me in your arms.
Because I want to fall alseep happy for once

Please never say good bye.
I cant take that pain

Please stay with me.
Forever and ever

Please be mine
Because I'm already your's

Please love me.
just please...love me