I'm sitting in the big chair
Taking my fingers and tracing them over the patterns
I'm making shapes and scratching into the fabric
A thread or two tug and make a noise as they cling to the tips of my nails

I'm looking at the wallpaper
Slowly moving my eyes and counting every stripe on the wall
White, blue, red, blue, white
I count 136 before i lose my place and have to start all over again
i notice a flaw in the pattern and move on


I'm closing my eyes and resting
Trying my hardest to ignore your gaze and your difficult questions
I don't speak
I don't listen
I don't feel
I just sit and rest
136 stripes, 208 triangles, 2 flaws- one in the wallpaper, the other is me

That's why i'm sitting in the big chair today
With the lady i don't care for
Listening to questions i don't know the answers to
Ignoring her cry for some sort of reply

when the tip passes through my skin blood isnt the only thing that leaves me
every other emotion and feeling leaves me too
i feel empty, but its better than feeling anything at all
its better than anything in the whole world

i drag the blade on my wrist and hot red liquid begins to bubble
it stays there for a while and i wonder to myself
how long will it stay there before the bubble bursts
how long will i stay here until i burst?

the bubble bursts sooner than expected and it begins to pour from my wrist
and it feels good
relief
i feel okay
and okay is good
for now

So many people know of my struggles
yet no one has spoken or said anything about it
no one has asked me whether im okay
no one has checked in on me from day to day
no one cares
how could you be so careless??

it's silly actually
the fact that i dont feel sane unless someone else makes me feel
worth it
its kind of silly
how people are terrified of death
why isnt anyone scared for me?

He wanted me to forget everything
and drop the conversation completely-
but I refused.
Now I must face the consequences.

-Lynn

Hands covered in copper,
we kissed
down by the staircase
near period 5th.
You held my waist
all thoughts wilted away
hands covered in copper
we kissed the bad memories away.

Whenever I cut I feel okay at first-
I feel calm and mellowed down-
and then the wave of guilt hits me.

Its almost like eating a Warhead candy
and forgetting how repulsively sour they are.

Or like forgetting to stir your Greek yogurt-
then it leaves a foul taste at the back of your throat.

Instead of a terrible sour flavor,
or a nasty taste at the back of my throat-
I get the urge to ***** after I cut.
I don't know whether its guilt... or what.
But I hate it

-Lynn

I keep telling myself that I can stop the self harm
but i can't-

I keep finding myself huddled up on the bathroom floor
blade in hand-

so then I ask myself...
Do I even want to stop?

the crimson red liquid pores from my insides
and all of the emotions clawing at my guts as well.
there's this demon in me i have to get out

the demon lives in me

-Lynn

im going to fall asleep
forever..
and dream good dreams

escaping this world is a lot easy
in deep sleep my wishes come true
when im awake reality is foolish .

so i dream a dream
better than this life
and i dream a dream worth dreaming
all while the real world caves in.

its you that my dreams revolve around
its you in which i dream about
and its you in which i dream
a good dream.

-Lynn.

I feel as If I’m eternally melting
everything around me that I touch melts too..
I lay down in bed and cover myself in sheets
I melt into my mattress and sink further.
everything around me, everything I touch
Is fouled.

My tears pour from my burning eyes
everywhere I look I see lava
everywhere I glance, they vanish:
The people I love
The people I live for.

the tears dance and roll down my red cheeks
the land on my skin and melt into it
even my tears melt away
as well as every strength left inside me
It melts away .
even you melt away too.

Eternally melting
for I can’t do anything to stop it

i don't know, i don't know, i don't know what to do.
I feel like im going to ***** every last thing inside of me out onto the floor and it'll turn to acid and eat me up from the outside with it.
I feel like im going to ***** up my heart and that'll be the end of me!
Or i feel as if ill throw up my heart and it'll keep pumping blood out and it'll pour out onto the floor and i'll never get to die.
Ill just sit there and suffer as i cough up blood.

i feel like screaming so loud that my neighbors may believe im being slaughtered by my abusive father, but somehow i don't even have the energy to sit up- how would i find the energy to shout?

I feel like taking the sharpest blade in the house so i can use all of my remaining strength to dip the tip into the skin underneath my throat, and to rip it across the fair surface.  

i feel like screaming to the world that im sorry for everything and that im just so sorry. Everyone tells me that i apologize way too often but it's the only thing i can ever think to say. I'm a broken record and i keep skipping and jumping all over the place and the only thing that anyone is able to get out of me is the word "sorry" and it's frustrating. Its frustrating for me and everyone else.

IM SORRY.

i write love poems
to the person i love the most
they shouldn't feel obligated to do anything in return
i don't deserve it
but sometimes i wish they'd share their feeling
sometimes i wish they'd show me that
and write a love poem back

The world is keeping secrets from me
maybe that the reason I bleed and fall
maybe I'm just growing closer to learning it all.

Maybe that's the reason I plead
for some sort of secret sweet release;
so I can learn the secrets
that the world keeps from me.

~lynn

hiding the scars is difficult
i hide them behind watches and bracelets
at school my wrist feels damp
and the sour scent of blood is emitting from it
but still, no one knows
hiding is easy

I want to go to Switzerland.
I want to see the snow and I want to hold you under the covers.
I want to gaze into the fireplace and be warm.
I want to taste your sweet lips as we watch our favorite movies.
I want to giggle with you and see your adorable face.
I want to travel with you to Switzerland.
I want to be yours.

-Lynn

"I still miss that look in your eyes
The one you give when you look at me… remember it?
That wasn't the same look you gave me 2 minutes ago
That wasn't the same look you gave me when you first met me
I miss the old you."

tilted roses,
tilted vases &
tall titled book cases
the world is crumbling
and i'm just mumbling
to myself under thick blankets

id like to hold you in my arms
everyday all day
same thoughts keep haunting me as im sleeping in my bed
you've got me trapped in a cycle
why don't you join me in this madness?

sometimes i daydream of kissing you
sometimes i daydream of being free from you
for some reason i cant make up my mind
you've got me trapped in this cycle

i know you care for me but sometimes i cant exactly tell
somedays you ignore my mood swings and are speechless
you ignore me in the halls and you act as if i don't even exist
somedays you wave at me and we go on dates and we hug
we enjoy ourselves
yet you've never kissed me
you've told me you want to
i think you're nervous or scared
but of what?

you've told me how much you care for me and you've told me
all of your deepest darkest secrets
the other day you told me your feelings for me have faded
the other day you told me you love me
the other day you told me you cant handle "us"
the other day we laughed and giggled together as a couple
the other day you said you were bored
the other day you blushed as i kissed you
im trapped
we're both trapped

You said you hope you don't smell weird,
your hands were covered in copper
you were in the art room working with metals
I said it was okay
actually
i said "i don't care"
and i kissed you anyways.
as lame as it sounds
i kissed you outside the art room
in a school where everyone hears everything
and everyone's eyes are wide open
i kissed you anyways.
you smelled like fancy men's bath soap
the good kind.