maybe
one day
whether it’s tomorrow
or five years from now
we will find
the person
and it will work
in ways we didn’t think were possible
but all i know
is for now
in this moment
i wish it were you

s.s

the satisfaction
of numbers dropping at your feet
and the warmth
of nothing in your stomach

s.s

the only positive
to this pain
is that it gives power
to pathetic poetry

s.s

no need to stress
about the other boys eyes
if they look at me
in ways you’d despise

because they can look
all they please
but i much rather
it be you gazing at me

s.s

i.
love bites as dark as the circles under my eyes like tags on my body mimicking name brands to fake worth that's not there

ii.
hello love to pretty strangers to have soft words fill the loud silence between empty bodies

iii.
flinching from bumping into someone in the store and shrinking away from a strangers smile because the feeling of being used echos beneath your skin

iv.
finding yourself comparing new people to the old and letting your heart break when they don't compare

v.
finding yourself glowing when the sun is high then finding yourself high and lonely with the stars

s.s

love
with a reckless abandon
think less
feel more
live in this moment
without fretting
about what is to come

s.s

one day
you won't be crying your self to sleep
or hurting your body
they won't be in your dreams
or your head when you wake
their name won't make your heart stop
and seeing them won't make it ache

one day
when you tell them
you're doing good without them
you won't be lying
you won't be crying
you will recover

s.s

there's a wonderful pain
when metal touches skin
that somehow releases
monsters bottled within
quick hand movements
observed through tear blurred eyes
and if you go deep enough
you can earn deaths sweet prize
but waking in the morning
with red stained arms
leaves you paranoid with guilt
setting off silent alarms

s.s

i am both the protagonist and antagonist
of my own story

every night i battle myself
weapon in hand
both defending and attacking
and the blood i shed
is traced with hypocrisy

i always tell myself i am better
than the devil i've created
yet occasionally i seem to overpower
my own good

so today
i went to war
to duel and defend
but i'm afraid tonight’s tale
did not have a happy end

s.s

we all search
for distractions
to get through life
some pick drugs
some pick god
none of it is real

s.s

in some ways i think it will always hurt
and i know i will always remember
but maybe that’s what made it real
maybe that's why we met
for me to remember
not only the intoxicating madness
i always felt when i was with you
and the way just a brush of your skin
could set me on fire
giving me a high only you could create
but also remember
the way my chest tightened when you left
the way i thought i would never make it beyond you
the way you hurt me more than anyone ever had before
when i could never dream of doing that to you
yes maybe we met so i could remember
what it felt like to fall in love
and so i would never forget
what it takes to unlove

s.s

perhaps one day
our paths will cross
and we will sip coffee
as dark as my eyes
under blue skies
as light as yours
and we will reminisce
about the days
we were just dumb kids
falling in love
and how we tore it apart
destroyed each other
because you had no hope
and i was afraid
and we didn't want to get hurt
more than we were
and i'll laugh into my coffee
and sadly smile into your eyes
remembering
how ******* happy we were
imagining
how happy we could have been

s.s

i have worked so hard
all my life
to please them
yet when it comes to my happiness
feelings
opinions
views
it's all judged and scrutinized
if it doesn't mirror their own mindset
it's oppressed
and i'm the one getting pushed down
for the way my mind works
or for how my heart yearns
and i'm fed up
it's like ripping the petals off a flower
because it wasn't your favorite color
when it bloomed
i want to be happy
with their consent
instead of faking it
to please them
i want to live my life in light
rather than their shadows
i want to try my best
and it be good enough
rather than always being
flawed

s.s

i don't love you
i have finally given up
i hope that hurts

s.s

i apologise
to every soul that has lingered with mine
i have a bad habit of disappearing

my head is a dark space my body is a scary place and that is the truth i face as i unravel into space full of dark matter with thoughts of i don't matter while the world is oppressing the bit of joy i call a blessing and i am afraid i will always feel alone and never again will i feel at home in someone's arms where there is no harm i am sorry to those i have touched you are dreadfully out of luck i can't break my habit of disappearing the darkness is always commandeering

s.s

falling in love
is like sky diving
and pulling your parachute
only to find that it's ripped

once you've fallen
you can't go back

you thought it would be amazing
but it is suddenly terrifying
a thrill none the less

but there's no halting it

once you've fallen
there's nothing to catch you
and the crash is inevitable

s.s

rock bottom
is when you no longer feel the need to hurt yourself
because the pain in your heart is overwhelming enough
that the physical aspect is no longer needed

so you sit
and build
this weight in your chest
thinking maybe

just maybe

this alone
will be enough
to do the trick

i wonder
what it feels like
to eat
without feeling guilty
or spending hours online
looking at beautiful girls

i wonder
what it feels like
to breathe
without feeling heavy
or seeing flawed disaster
where a temple should stand

s.s

i feel drained
i'm constantly thinking
like a run on sentence
i have no room to breathe

s.s

i feel like sunshine
until the sun sets
then i feel everything
at once

s.s

like the blunt
dangling from his lips
he lit me up
when he needed to numb the pain
and tossed me out
with the other roaches
when there was nothing left to take

s.s

i think not speaking
is the thing messing me up the most
out of all of this

yes, i love you
i really really do
but i know i will get over that
it will take time and it will hurt like hell but i know i will

the thing is, you are my safe place
were my safe place
i felt as though i could go to you about anything
and you made me feel more comfortable than anyone else
you knew how to react and made it easy to talk
now i cant do that
and **** keeps happening
while you're the first person i think to go talk to when i can't
and i keep wondering how you are
you seem fine but i still miss hearing about your life

i miss you and i feel pathetic
because i'm having a hard time adjusting
and i dont exactly know what to do with myself

it's been almost three years
some nights i still cry to sleep
the way you hurt me never heals
i feel it surface and weep
my mind is covered
in scabs and scars
tonight i'm bleeding
and seeing stars

s.s

i want to scream at you

until my very voice causes earthquakes

and makes even the ocean tremble with fear

but you deserve nothing but my silence

so i will let my eyes speak instead

s.s

i think i deserve
more than a secret randevu

if you can risk it
for a good ****
and conversations
no one but ourselves will hear
why can’t you risk it
for all of me
for a relationship
we’ve spent this long fighting for

it’s degrading
i’m just the girl
you undress
when no one is looking
because i’m good
but not good enough
for more
not anymore

s.s

he taught me
how to love myself
on every day i did not
i hated everything
about my self
yet self love he still brought

i used to flinch
when his hand touched my skin
i'd stay still holding my breath
while ******* my stomach in

i'd look away
down at the ground
despised my body
that seemed to round

i'd never rest
my weight on him
afraid to crush his bones
since a saw myself far from thin

but he held me close
against his skin
said i was beautiful
with a reassuring grin

not a day goes by
that he doesn't make sure
i know my self-loathing
is utterly obscure

so now i see beauty
in plain brown eyes
and see something lovely
in big stretch marked thighs

although i dont love it
i don't hate every inch
thanks to him and his effort
i don't see it and flinch

he taught me
how to love myself
and now i think i do
i hated everything
about my self
but he has helped fix this view

s.s

if you asked me
to be with you again
i’d say yes
in a heartbeat
thats why
i shouldn’t be your friend
i would always be hoping
one day we’d make it work
and that’s not fair to me
i should be allowed to get over you

s.s

"they say if you love someone
set them free
and if they are truly yours
they will come back"

she paused to take him in watching his chest lay still as he held his breath waiting for her words

"i tried that
i let you go
and nothing hurt more than that
but you're still here
and i'm not sure if that's good or bad
because i think i'm still holding you back"

her voice started to crack but his expression never did

"i love you
but i'm setting you free
and i want you
but you don't have to come back to me"

s.s

she wondered
if he'd keep her artwork
or shred it
like her heart

s.s

i
you will suddenly understand why home is not where you are, it's who you're with because their arms will feel safe like the home you never had and they will give you comfort like you've never felt

ii.
you will melt your bodies together like the way a million colors blend as the sun sets and the combination of your skin will be so stunning it won't seem real

iii.
it won't matter what the others say because every time you hear them laugh it is a reminder that they are your world and the other opinions are irrelevant

iv.
they will make the future seem bright and for the first time you won't be afraid to wake up in the morning because the thought of them is a driving force to keep trying

v.
together you will find yourself learning about life and how to fight through it and side by side you will be invincible because just their hand in yours will be enough armor to protect you from the world

vi.
you will find yourself staring at them in ordinary moments wondering how you got so lucky as to call this perfect human yours and you will thank the universe every night before you sleep for bringing them into your life

vii.
you will realise that "i love you" is so much more than three little words and that small sentence will never be enough to express how you feel about them

viii.
good news or bad they will be the first person you want to run too because they aren't just a lover they are your best friend and your day doesn't feel right without hearing about theirs

ix.
the world around you will always remind you of them and you will find pieces of them where ever you go because they are always in the back of your mind and any moment you are without them you will wish they were there

x.
you will finally understand why so many people would die for love because
you would do anything to keep them happy, to keep the light in their eyes, and to keep the smile on their face

s.s

silly boy
if you wanted her to be happy
you wouldn't have left

silly boy
don't tell her you miss her
you don't
we all know that

s.s

i hope your life
is easier without me
because without you
i can’t ******* breathe

s.s

enveloped in your arms
with my head on your chest
allow the steady thump of your heartbeat
lull me to rest
where maybe i might dream
with you by my side
instead of having these nightmares
eat me alive

s.s

doubtful inquiries
turn to rational thoughts
and like small crafts on open sea
lovers drift apart

s.s

i kept them
as tokens of our innocence
of a love that once was

they stand for a time before
when we were together
and that's all that mattered

a time when we wanted to make each other happy
just kids struck blind by first love
trying to hold on to the high before it faded away

a time when i thought the world was good
and i had finally found something that felt right
i had found someone i didn't want to lose

now i can't seem to throw them away
because they remind me of you
and you may not be here now
but they prove you once were
so i kept them

s.s

one of the hardest things
she had ever done
was sit next to someone she loved
and feel their skin against hers
but not have the courage to kiss them
to grab them and pull them in
for it felt like swimming in the ocean
but never feeling the water

s.s

school was the only thing
i had ever been good at

i was too clumsy for sports
tripping over my own feet
now i'm tripping over numbers

i could never sing like an angel
voice always cracking missing notes
now i'm cracking under pressure missing the meaning

i couldn't be coordinated enough to dance
always skipping to the wrong beat
now i'm skipping problems i can't beat

school was the only thing
i had ever been good at
and now i'm watching my scores slip
through limp fingers
as my will to keep trying
drops with my grades

s.s

so simple

easy action
petite pill
satisfaction
hurting still

small shaking handfuls
followed by a small shaking voice
whispering i'm sorry
continued sketchy choice

rapid breathing
tremors all over
head spinning
soon will be over

sinking to bruised knees
but unable to feel the pain
highs no longer a tease
meds mask the insane

easy action
plenty of pills
satisfaction
finished and killed

so simple

s.s

her mind was going full speed
twenty four seven
latching on to any other thought
to avoid him
but in person they met
and she felt okay
till he placed his hand on her arm
as he walked away
and time froze
her mind halted to a stop
just that familiar touch
to make her heart ache and drop

i am terrified
to spill my guts
because oceans will pour out
and i am afraid
you won't know what to do with the storm
and i will only drown you

s.s

drown me in your blue eyes
i'll bury you in my brown ones
infamous star-crossed lovers
we might just be the death of each other

s.s

if you were to craft a grin
from the brightest stars in the sky
it would still be incapable
of lighting a room
the way your smile does

s.s

there are some things
i have only told
the endless sky
alone at night

for i have secrets
so dark
that only the black sky
and all of her stars
could handle

s.s

and still
when i hear your name
something inside me
goes weak
and i ache
for you
to come home

you can never get it back

whether it be when you're stumbling home after a night at the bar
and a masked figure pulls you in
taking advantage of your intoxication

or it be when you're young
so young you barely remember anything
but you remember the way
that family friend slipped their hands on you
with you being unaware of what was happening

whether it be when you surrender your trust to your lover
but they push it too far
ignoring your cries to stop
and just using you for their pleasure

or it be in any situation
anywhere
and someone invades you
in a way that will leaves marks on your body for days
but scars on your mind for eternity

no matter what it be
when you have your innocence stolen
you can never get it back

s.s

stop reading my writing
get off my profile
how i'm feeling is none of your business
stop checking for awhile

s.s

it is strange to think
i will never again
taste love on your lips
trace your skin with more than my eyes
or ever call you mine

s.s

i will end my life
not today
not tomorrow
maybe not even in a year from now
but i will leave this world
by my own hand
for i was brought here
not by choice
i was created
without any consent
signed a contract to keep breathing
the signature being my first breath
so i will leave on my own terms
by my own hand
my choice

s.s

her grin felt like sunshine
and his laugh sounded like gentle waves
together they were easy summer living
the happy high people strive for

s.s

i wish i could care less
like you tell me i do
i wish my mind
would not be
surrounded
by you
by you
surrounded
i would not be
if i could care less
just as you keep telling me

s.s