i miss you

we deserved
so much better

s.s

"i love you
but i can't do this anymore"

she said softly with her eyes glued to his feet waiting for them to walk away

but they never moved

she gazed upward and locked eyes with him as tears dwelled blurring his features

only then
with a shake off his head
did he turn and leave

he needed to burn the image
if his blank expression
into her teary eyes
as a final goodbye

s.s

when you accept
you were more in love
with the memories
than the man before you
and you stop
making excuses
for the way he destroyed you
your heart begins to heal

s.s

say you dont care
it's how you act
dont say youre hurting like me
take that lie back

go look at pictures
of us and myself
and tell me this doesn't
hurt like hell

think of my laugh
and the feeling of my skin
and tell me you dont miss
my crooked grin

imagine my voice  
the way i said i love you
tell me you feel nothing
that you're glad we're through

i want to hear you say it
rather than just acting this way
think of everything about us
and tell me your glad you went away

s.s

i miss you and i can't sleep
it's like this every night
alone and quiet as i weep
it is a constant fight
it would be so relieving
if you were just nearby
i know this all sounds so cliche
but it's a truth i can't deny
so as i lay here wide awake
there's one thought that repeats
i miss you and i can't sleep
and that's the truth i can not beat

s.s

if i took a shot
for every time
i wanted you
but couldn't have you
i don't think
i would ever
be sober

s.s

i would hug you
but i’m afraid it will hurt more
to let go
and walk away
then it would
to never hold you in the first place

s.s

we are young and dumb
but with you
i wouldn't mind
growing old and wise

s.s

let's have a meeting
on the bathroom floor
doesn't matter where
my place or yours
you can poor a drink
and i'll poor my eyes out
i'll tell you what i hate about you
until you just blackout
because you just drown problems
and i am one of them too
because you never cared about me
i was nothing to you
then when you're passed out
and my lungs ache from crying
i'll tell your unconscious self
you made me feel like dying
but then i'd brush your hair back
and drag you to bed
tuck you in to sleep
and kiss your forehead
i would tell you sweet dreams
and feel my chest burn
i hate you for lying
but it seems i never learn
i would care for you
on your death bed
because unlike you
i meant the love that i said

s.s

you were the happiest part of my life. i never felt better than when i was with you. maybe that's why this hurts so much. i built a world around you that was my happy place. forgive me for being so naive to think i could stay in that world forever. i wish you the best because even after this i stand by the fact that you are one of the best people i know. you deserve a happy life. even if you dont now, i do think at one point you cared about me and i appreciate the time and effort you poured into this. maybe if life was easier and timing was better we could have worked. i really do love you and i wish this didn't have to end but i understand you need it to. we've been through a lot and i wish only better for you.
thank you for making me so happy for so long and building who i am today. this hurts like nothing ever has but i wouldn't replace my memories with you for anything,
you were my everything.

i lost you slowly

and i believe that made it hurt more because you weren't just gone at once. bits of you slipped unknowingly through my fingers until one day i realized you were missing and the girl in the mirror never stops crying and she carried a tiredness from more than just a lack of sleep and she had lost you.

she had lost you and she doesn't know where to search.

love,
a version of you forever lost

s.s

i want to dangle my toes
off the edge of life
just to see
what lies below

i want to take it
just far enough
to see what is beyond breathing
and return with knowledge
no one else has obtained

i want the stars to tell me secrets
so i can walk upon this planet
with little pieces of the universe
tucked away in my mind

i want to know what no one else knows
and to be prepared
to jump head first
into what comes after us

s.s

an amber bottle full of dark secrets and broken promises
we press our chapped lips against the rim
the burn of the *** is the only fire left in my stomach
the shake of your hands is what i  feel in my bones
mommy taught me how to make a cocktail
before she taught me how to love myself
and long story short  i can make mixed drinks in my sleep
but self care is blacking out in the backyards of strangers

s.s

somehow our country can't see the chaos we have created

we have become blind to brutality and ignorant to agony
hate drips from our tongues and we spit it into the ears of everyone around us
people are taking their lives and nobody cares for the right reasons
instead of raising our red and blue flags people are cutting and beating red and blue
         into delicate skin
all focus is on politics and economics
there is no more heart just hands
hands on bodies that don't belong to you
hands on technology manipulating as many minds as it can reach
hands on substances that block out the pain of people
hands on weapons to blast away problems we don't want to face
yet hands still over hearts pledging to a country we have slowly lost

it is a statement far from fabricated
that america can't see the chaos we have created

s.s

they tell addicts
to move away
from the places
they once scored each hit
so she deleted
your songs
from her playlist
and never stepped foot
near the place you met
because she was addicted to you
and she knew
if she had even a taste
of what you once were
she would crumble
just like your relationship did
she was an addict
and you were her drug
dont make her relapse

s.s

she was an angel
that used her halo
as a slipknot
to hang from heaven

s.s

apologies
mean nothing
when the action
never
stops

s.s

one day

you will kiss the love of your life and fall asleep in their arms holding you tight because you finally have each other  

you will wake up late on a sunday to their face and it will be more stunning than the sunrise you missed

you will get dressed, watch them fix their bed head, and think to yourself how lucky you are to have someone so perfect

you will go on adventures and do all of the things you dreamt about

you will come home, to your home together, and get high on the kitchen floor laughing until you can't breathe

you will undress each other and kiss the body you've fallen for

you will lay tangled in blankets and their limbs and drift to sleep, only to do it all again tomorrow

one day
it will be worth it
the fighting, the pain, the break ups and makeups, the confusion, the mess
one day it will all make sense
and one day
you will both be happy

s.s

maybe being honest
is always so tough
because to you
my everything
is never good enough

s.s

they always say
not to touch the art
but looking at him
how could you keep your hands off
something so enticing

s.s

i wish i could talk to you
          as i used to
when i didn't worry about what i said
and could speak with ease
when my words flowed to you
like quiet rivers
flowing to the ocean
i wish i could be around you
          as i used to
when i would melt at your side
rather than flinch at your accidental touch  
when your embrace felt like more of a home
than the house i lived in
i wish i could be yours
          as i used to

s.s

i have heard sorrow
in the sobs of my mother
     -a sound you can't unhear

i never wanted this to end

but just as i could not keep the rain from pouring
on a lovely sunny day

i just could not keep you
from walking away

s.s

if you need me
i will be far away
dancing in drug induced dreams
with lost loves
and missed memories
in the comfortable coma
of mind altering bliss

s.s

getting bad again is not noticing the eleven pounds you've dropped in the past month simply because it makes you sick to eat and the empty feeling in your stomach masks the one in your chest

getting bad again is falling in love with the chaos as much as you fell for the boy because having a life in shambles is what you know you deserve and knowing you never deserved that joy in the first place

getting bad again is grinning at the hateful comments you hear because its validation for everything you think and it only fuels the fire of self loathing in your soul

getting bad again is the deep set bags under your eyes that still aren't big enough to carry all the emotional trauma, the guilt that never seems to leave, and the regrets for all the mistakes you've ever made

getting bad again is the late nights
the unsent messages
the tears and puffy eyes
the empty stomachs and empty minds
the aching chest
the drugs and distractions

but most importantly
getting bad again
is just a part of life
and getting better again
is just the next step

s.s

drugs don't take the pain away, sure,
but they make it more bearable

so when you're wide awake and you haven't fallen asleep
because your thoughts have gone too deep
you won't sit and weep
about life being so bleak
because the numbness will take over when your high is at its peak
and your questions will melt away
turning the whole world gray
you wish you would have stayed
you want the happy life that feels so unattainable
you want that perfect person who seems so unforgettable
but all you have is a drug
when all you need us a hug
but the high is what's getting you through
you feel like an addict and it's probably true
but you won't stop until your skin fades blue
because the world's a lonely place
so you fall into space
with whatever gets you highest to forget a lovers face
and an awful sad place
and sure, drugs don't rid you of the hurt
but they make some things feel a little less worse

s.s

But i will never be
Elated
At my appearance
Undressed in the mirror
Tracing a body
Inferior compared to every other
Flawed
Unworthy of
Love

s.s

sweetheart
i beg of you
be careful
please
you mean to much
to make mistakes
you can't take back

s.s

i am afraid
i will lose you
when you aren't one
meant to be lost
because even the universe
makes mistakes
so i am on
my hands and knees
begging the world
to leave us be

s.s

someone once told me
the person you think of
when you stand in front of the ocean
is the person you're in love with
and now
i'm staring out over the endless blue
that mimics your eyes perfectly
and you're the only thought
running through my mind
but my insides are crashing
like the waves on the shore
and i want to take our memories
and drown them
beneath these hungry waves
where they can no longer
run through my mind
because why should i drown
in these thoughts
these distant memories
when i could drown them
in the chaos of this restless sea
where maybe then
i can finally be at peace

s.s

my “best friend” does not care
and my best friend is not there

s.s

blowing out candles 
making wishes 
for another year 
for it to be lovely 
fulfilling easy living 
and full of cheer

s.s

i don’t want you to read my poems
i want you to know i’m fine

s.s

it was the color of your eyes, the ones i first fell for
the color that would turn electric when you smiled
or soften when you looked my way
it was the color of the shirt you left at my house
the one that resided by my side at night
the same color you wore when things went south
it was the color of the clear, endless sky
on those days we walked hand in hand
with me believing the sky would never turn dark
it was the color of the lake when i sat at the dock
staring into the deep murky shade
wishing it was lighter to mimic your eyes
it is the color i create
to dance with blacks and purples
across my skin at night
still wishing you were here by my side

s.s

i would rather drown
in the blue oceans of your eyes
than the bitter alcohol
i keep dumping in my stomach
because the warmth this ***** causes
will never compare
to the fire of your stare

s.s

if you are happy
and living your best life
why
are you drowning your thoughts
in ***** every night
because, my love
you don't numb happiness
you numb pain

s.s

every word is like a petal
every sentence a flower
so i must say
you arrange the most beautiful bouquets

s.s

i need to forget
you
how i needed you
more than anything
how to me
you meant everything
i need you to mean nothing
i want to forget
us
i want to fall
out of love

s.s

you left

you
*******
left

with no explanation
you just left

so don't even try to rationalize
what you did this time
because you have made me feel
so worthless
that i don't think
you can fix it


s.s

these bruises
are beautiful
in a bad way

their pain
paints proof
of precious life
in delicate pops
of purples and blues

s.s

he lingered
like her bruises
serving a constant reminder
of the pain inflicted

s.s

the walls were talking
vibrating back
everything i had pushed away
vicious sound waves
forcing their way in
to rattle my eardrums

now bloods dripping from my knuckles
and drying on the bricks
and i'm not sure what happened
but the pounding sensation
of blood rushing to the wound
fills my ears
drowning out everything else

s.s

i would cry myself to sleep
every night
and let you know
you are free to go
if it meant
you could finally
be happy

s.s

that is the scary part of love
you are allowing
someone to change you
but my god darling
you were my metamorphosis

s.s

she used to get nervous to see him
with butterflies in her stomach
she felt alive

now butterflies feel like daggers
and she's nervous to face him
she feels dead inside

s.s

she woke up in a white room with florescent lights blinding her once sleeping eyes

fluids being pumped through needles into her veins trying desperately to keep her alive

steady beeping from monitors tracking the trickling life she tried so hard to end

body numb from the drugs being flushed through her, but she can feel her foot on the pedal launching her straight when the road took a bend

and the doctor he asked her "do you know where you are"

she choked out "i'm in hell because i'm alone and alive, so far"

s.s

i used to admire
the innocence of a child
how everything in their world was so
carefree

until i met a 5 year old boy
who asked if i could be his new mommy
because his old one wasn't around anymore

until i met a 10 year old girl
who had the same red slashes on her wrist
as i do now

until i met a 12 year old boy
who could tell me more about a broken family
than any child should ever be able to

until i met a 15 year old girl
who lived in the mirror
and wanted so badly to change everything she saw

i used to admire the innocence of a child
i always thought their worlds were so
carefree
but then i realised
that even children
are just as ****** as the rest of us

s.s

my hands are filled with heartache when i wrap my fingers around your palms
begging to feel the warmth of your touch but only finding a cold limp grasp

i hear sorrow in your heartbeat when i lay my head upon your chest as your heart pumps the sadness through your body
and i consistently hope you never make that heartbeat stop

i feel the catastrophe of existence when you clutch my shoulders
forcing me to stare into dark holes where your bright eyes once resided

i see a suffering in your being that even the devil would bow down to
finding satisfaction in the distress of your every breath

most of all i see myself in the reflection of your eyes
as tears create a mirror matching misery of my own
silently begging me to fix the pain deeply rooted in your soul

so sweetheart i will give my very life and the final light left in my eyes
just to illuminate every last dark corner of your soul

for as long as i am standing by your side i will give you my everything
just so you have a fighting chance to defeat the onset of darkness that i have already given into  

s.s

i caught your stare

it would have hurt less
if you had stabbed me in the stomach
and twisted hard
letting warm blood seep through my clothes

at least then
i would have been warm

because your glance
sent chills through my body
and i sat there
unable to move
paralyzed by ice blue
dizzy on forgotten love fumes

all because
i caught your stare

s.s

COVID-19
It has changed all the lives it hasn’t yet claimed
Too many deathbeds held souls in empty spaces  
Innocent, isolated individuals
With their visitors crying in the hospital parking lot instead of their hospital room
As if goodbye wasn't hard enough

It has changed the way we grow  
Children won't know how to share
Instead they will have “disinfect” ingrained in their young brains
Carrying hand sanitizer like a shield, a barrier against the germs
Taught to fear others as though they’ll **** us themselves

It has changed the way we consume
Online shopping to the point we don't remember what's in packages
Spending money we don't have
Sanitized carts and Purell at every entrance of the stores that have opened
Grocery shopping sparks anxiety like never before

It has changed the way we love
Zoom calls and FaceTimes are as connected as we can get
The inability to remember what it feels like to be in another's arms
We stand six feet apart, not knowing how to act
Trying to read the millions of emotions held within each others eyes

It has changed how we dress
Forgetting where you've placed your mask is just as bad as your keys
Face covers scream isolation
Smothering smiles, turning us all into faceless creatures
But somehow the mere thought of the pandemic feels more suffocating

It has changed the way we exist
Instilling a new fear into the next generation
A new urgency in the medical field
And overall, a new norm that makes unity unbelievably uncomfortable.

S.S.