by the time i saw you
your eyes were already red with tears i failed to catch
and somehow i knew
this was the end
for if i was there sooner
i would have been able to catch all of the broken pieces of your heart
and help you put them back together
but instead your heart hit the floor
where i should have stood
so now both of us
are staring at the floor
and somehow i know
this is the end
i was counting down the days
with an eagerness in my heart
looking forward to the end and you
but now i find myself
broken and scrambling to gather all the pieces as the days dwindle down
and now my eagerness is soon replaced
with a nausea and bone breaking fear
of having to see your face
They say that once you've actually decided all you feel is peace.
Is that where I am now?
Did I cross a line five miles back
and not even notice it? I remember how
all the pills felt and I remember I felt like the world was finally right
Maybe some people are born to suffer.
They said that it's a sign when you start to give things away but I don't have anything left to hand out
and maybe my heart made itself up before it told my mind.
I know I have too many doubts
but honey in this moment it's enough and I have everything.
I'm ready to go now, I've seen everything of this terrible cruel world that I have ever wanted to see
and I think that if I had gone earlier I wouldn't have missed anything
because nothing better has found me
and you know I'm not good at hide and seek
especially when I feel invisible and I'm not sure anyone else is playing.
Can I quit the game now?
I'm tired and I want to lie down and not wake up again.
Can it be enough for you that I love you?
because you never asked me to stay or I would.
Out of duty, if nothing else, but also because I can't tell you something that I know isn't true.
And I know this is, that in this moment everything is enough,
and I am enough
and the world is at peace,
and I am not afraid.
I'd like to pick my moment to die
and I think I'd pick one like this, where it's not okay.
Nothing is okay
and nothing feels good or comforting and I am all alone
but it feels like it does when you hold your breath-
before you run out of air-
in the seconds where you think maybe you didn't need to breathe, maybe you didn't need anyone to call.
because suddenly you have everything you need
And it's both enough and nothing at all.
i want to sleep but not wake up
because it's seems whenever i find sleep
i also find you
because when i first wake up
some part of me half expects you to be there
so when i roll over i can pull you in
and it will feel like home
but then it hits me
that when i roll over
i will only be greeted by an empty bed
and the only things i can pull in are my knees to my chest
and i will be home but it will feel foreign
so i want to sleep
sleep but please not wake up