i am both the protagonist and antagonist
of my own story

every night i battle myself
weapon in hand
both defending and attacking
and the blood i shed
is traced with hypocrisy

i always tell myself i am better
than the devil i've created
yet occasionally i seem to overpower
my own good

so today
i went to war
to duel and defend
but i'm afraid tonight’s tale
did not have a happy end

s.s

one night
my words
brought you to me
so i will spit stanzas
under the stars
hoping
to draw you in
once again

s.s

lay me on your tongue like acid tabs
light me like a **** or dab
breathe me in like *** smoke
snort me up like lines of coke
taste me like a ******
shoot me up like ******
sip me like spiked tea
trip on me like lsd
use me
continuously  
like your drug of choice
and i will make you feel
otherworldly

s.s

you can never get it back

whether it be when you're stumbling home after a night at the bar
and a masked figure pulls you in
taking advantage of your intoxication

or it be when you're young
so young you barely remember anything
but you remember the way
that family friend slipped their hands on you
with you being unaware of what was happening

whether it be when you surrender your trust to your lover
but they push it too far
ignoring your cries to stop
and just using you for their pleasure

or it be in any situation
anywhere
and someone invades you
in a way that will leaves marks on your body for days
but scars on your mind for eternity

no matter what it be
when you have your innocence stolen
you can never get it back

s.s

we are not living
we are surviving
everyday

facing new problems
and overcoming obstacles
or hitting all time lows
and crumbling to rock bottom

we are all
just surviving
for just as long
as we can

s.s

i want to dangle my toes
off the edge of life
just to see
what lies below

i want to take it
just far enough
to see what is beyond breathing
and return with knowledge
no one else has obtained

i want the stars to tell me secrets
so i can walk upon this planet
with little pieces of the universe
tucked away in my mind

i want to know what no one else knows
and to be prepared
to jump head first
into what comes after us

s.s

i can't seem to differentiate
reality
from the memories
i keep playing in my head

so forgive me
for still being in love with you

i can't seem to tell the difference
between what you were
and what you have become

s.s

the walls were talking
vibrating back
everything i had pushed away
vicious sound waves
forcing their way in
to rattle my eardrums

now bloods dripping from my knuckles
and drying on the bricks
and i'm not sure what happened
but the pounding sensation
of blood rushing to the wound
fills my ears
drowning out everything else

s.s

i still see you in my sleep
maybe that's why i refuse
to close my eyes

s.s

i can not decide
whether to say i miss you
or try something new
and let my cold shoulder
freeze you over

s.s

i write when i'm overflowing with emotion

and can no longer contain it

so it is honestly incredible how much you've hurt me

because right now i could fill the ocean with everything i'm feeling

yet i can't even pick up my pen

s.s

she was beautiful
but if you looked close enough
you could see
she was broken

and the light in her eyes
was far gone below the surface

simply mimicking dead stars

*******
for turning into murky water
with riptides keeping me in
when i know
crystal blue seas
run just below the surface
and they're calm
where i would willingly swim

s.s

im falling
and i need a foothold
your arms catch me
steadying me
but somehow
im only falling faster

s.s

i want to scream at you

until my very voice causes earthquakes

and makes even the ocean tremble with fear

but you deserve nothing but my silence

so i will let my eyes speak instead

s.s

she woke up in a white room with florescent lights blinding her once sleeping eyes

fluids being pumped through needles into her veins trying desperately to keep her alive

steady beeping from monitors tracking the trickling life she tried so hard to end

body numb from the drugs being flushed through her, but she can feel her foot on the pedal launching her straight when the road took a bend

and the doctor he asked her "do you know where you are"

she choked out "i'm in hell because i'm alone and alive, so far"

s.s

there are some things
i have only told
the endless sky
alone at night

for i have secrets
so dark
that only the black sky
and all of her stars
could handle

s.s

giving someone your best
and it still not being good enough
feels like surrendering your universe
along with everything you have
for them only to see a dead star
and empty space

s.s

he asked her over dinner
"have you ever been in love"

she smiled into the bottom of her empty wine glass
"i have
          and it killed me"

s.s

in a parallel universe
you never broke me
and you still speak of me
with love on your tongue

in a parallel universe
your eyes still drip with desire
begging for me to come closer
rather than never even looking my way

in a parallel universe
you still love me
as much
as i still love you

in a parallel universe
is where my heart lives
and maybe that's why i'm not over you
because in some world i still hold your heart

and in all worlds you still hold mine

s.s

she whispered weary words
to the walls
late at night
so they absorbed her broken breaths
storing her somber stories

and my god
your heart would ache
if these walls could speak

s.s

i never wanted this to end

but just as i could not keep the rain from pouring
on a lovely sunny day

i just could not keep you
from walking away

s.s

she built a home for him in her heart

but he moved out and left it empty

so now her insides feel like a ghost town

with a haunting vacancy from lost love

s.s

he had a heart in his hand
that he did not own but it was his
and it was heavy with the weight of a ****** up world
far to difficult for him to carry

so he dropped it
done with all the problems it carried
and she dropped to her knees
unable to breathe

s.s

by the time i saw you
your eyes were already red with tears i failed to catch
and somehow i knew
this was the end

for if i was there sooner
i would have been able to catch all of the broken pieces of your heart
and help you put them back together

but instead your heart hit the floor
and shattered
where i should have stood

so now both of us
are staring at the ground
and somehow i know
this is the end

s.s

when asked
i always choose left

this must be just another way
i never make the right decision

s.s

i would rather drown
in the blue oceans of your eyes
than the bitter alcohol
i keep dumping in my stomach
because the warmth this ***** causes
will never compare
to the fire of your stare

s.s

i want to sleep but not wake up
because it's seems whenever i find sleep
i also find you

because when i first wake up
some part of me half expects you to be there
so when i roll over i can pull you in
and it will feel like home

but then it hits me
that when i roll over
i will only be greeted by an empty bed
and the only things i can pull in are my knees to my chest
and i will be home but it will feel foreign

so i want to sleep
sleep but please not wake up

s.s

all i can say
is that we tried
but even the strongest hurricanes
can dissipate among the ocean
before they ever taste the ground

s.s

i wish to carry such strength
that even gravity
will be utterly amazed
at how well
i keep all of my broken pieces
together

s.s

they were caught somewhere in the middle
between strangers and lovers
like where the waves hit the shore

not quite the sea
but not yet land

s.s

i kept them
as tokens of our innocence
of a love that once was

they stand for a time before
when we were together
and that's all that mattered

a time when we wanted to make each other happy
just kids struck blind by first love
trying to hold on to the high before it faded away

a time when i thought the world was good
and i had finally found something that felt right
i had found someone i didn't want to lose

now i can't seem to throw them away
because they remind me of you
and you may not be here now
but they prove you once were
so i kept them

s.s

you can delete their contact
block their number
and erase all of their texts

you can burn the pictures
shred the letters
and donate every gift

you can purge yourself of all tangible evidence
that they ever entered your life

but you will never be able to get rid of the way they made you feel

you will never be able to forget their laugh
or the look in their eyes when they told you they loved you

you will never be able to erase the way their touch felt to your skin
or the way it made you feel something you couldn't put into words

you will never be able to delete everything they said from your brain
and it will ring in the air when no one is around

and you will most definitely never be able to obliterate the way they broke your heart
and it will always burn and take your breath away when you hear their name

s.s

hours to end
seconds to start
the endless thinking
brain gears spinning out of control
thoughts demanding attention

trying to sleep
it keeps you awake
causing feelings in your stomach and chest
to match the madness in your mind
dangerously debilitating

finnaly they wear you down
as you slip into comatose
your body and brain exhausted from fighting
your eyes as red as the blood on your skin
your breaths slowing as you drift away
and you sleep

but the first breath awake
from a soft sad slumber
is a jumpstart
and everything wakes up
the thoughts are running like a raging river
loathing the time they lost as you dreamt

and now you're awake
staring at the ceiling fan
nauseous from the spinning
and the reality of being awake

s.s

i wish i could pick up the pieces
of this broken bond we've built
and mold them together
in a way that would leave it invincible
to the battles it has yet to fight
and the people who try to tear it apart

because i want to fix it
this chaotic mess we've created
to prove
that love is a glue
strong enough to fix these broken hearts
and leave them with the power to fight off any disbelievers

but here i sit
in the ruins of us
and i'm searching for a starting point
but all i manage to see
is what could have been
and i don't know how to fix
a puzzle with missing pieces

s.s

just a friend
that holds my heart
and should rightfully know it's his

just a friend
that is playing it smart
and knows how hard this is

just a friend
as we restart
a friend i love that is

s.s

i am weary
because i fear your departure
for you have left once
and i'm sure you will disappear again

s.s

just be open and honest
that's what you've always told me
but little did i know
it had to be the truth you wanted to hear
or it still would never be good enough

s.s

talking through the tension
attempting to ignore the feeling in the air
the one we never mention
because we like to pretend it isn't there
that every glare is a misunderstanding
that you are only having a bad day
so we keep talking through the tension
and just push it all away

s.s

cyclones flooding cities
stealing memories that can never be replaced
tornadoes leaving jagged paths on perfect towns
like scars on pristine landscape that take a lifetime heal

storms like these are unforgettable
so what i'm trying to say
is that

i am a complete wreck
and you're a walking disaster
so the storms in our eyes
will be hurricanes
and our love
unforgettable

s.s

you were my soul mate
but i was not yours
so i will wear black to your wedding
and watch my hope for your love
pass on

s.s

that feeling
when you're driving down the interstate
at a hundred miles per hour
and you're staring out the car window
trying to focus on one object
flying by your vision
but you can't
because it's all going to fast
and your eyes only glitch
unable to grasp stability
and everything is blurred
through speed and tears
while your heart rate escalates
with the cars momentum

that feeling
is the state my mind is in
grasping at everything
yet unable to hold on to anything
frantic and in shambles

s.s

i lost you slowly

and i believe that made it hurt more because you weren't just gone at once. bits of you slipped unknowingly through my fingers until one day i realized you were missing and the girl in the mirror never stops crying and she carried a tiredness from more than just a lack of sleep and she had lost you.

she had lost you and she doesn't know where to search.

love,
a version of you forever lost

s.s

people's minds are terrible places
like the devil's dark oasis
and it may be better not to know
what happens behind those closed doors
for in the crevices of our brains
live haunting demons left untamed
where people dream and fantasize
of selfish deeds and taking lives

s.s

everything about you
was soft
from the way you brushed my hair away from my face
and gently kissed my cheek
to the way you rested your hand on my back
or slipped it securely into mine
everything was soft
except for the way you looked at me
for your eyes were hungry
and drowned in desire
but they were rough waters
i would love to slip under

s.s

and still
when i hear your name
something inside me
goes weak
and i ache
for you
to come home

i sat there
and asked myself
why it hurt so much
and the only answer
i could find
was because
i loved that boy
but couldn't make him mine

s.s

i bleed my soul on paper
all through a poets euphoric bliss
to avoid bleeding life
all through severely broken wrist

s.s

my heart was soft and golden
but you've turned it hard as stone
and now that you have turned away
it will be stronger on it's own

s.s

i was in a lowercase kind of mood

s.s