When our mind is set in one way, it is easier to live our life.
When our mind is seeing two opposite things, it is draining and difficult.
When anorexia consumed me, it was easy: don't eat.
When my family made me get help, I started seeing another side.
"It is okay to eat".
When your mind is telling you two extreme opposites, it is emotionally and physically draining, makes me tired physically and mentally.
The emotional battle.
The heaviest thing would be the fork to my mouth, to finish the long difficult stride from the fork to my mouth, or to hide the food in my pockets so my family thinks I ate it.
Give in to my stomach roaring like a lion and tame the lion, or to ignore it like how I have usually done and feel myself getting skinnier to give in to the demons.
It was more distinct and different than: night and day, black and white, fire and water.
I was having a civil war with myself,
Constant battling and war in my head
"Eat" or "Don't Eat"
This was much harder than having only one thought in my mind.

Everyone has a general feeling of their own mind
She did not quite understand exactly how her mind was like
Until she started writing down all her feelings
Writing them down felt like she was organizing her own thoughts
Like looking at each small picture and then taking a step back to see the bigger picture, and fully understand it
She finally understood how her mind was like now
Hers felt so much pain and sadness
So gloomy
It was a quiet rain storm
The only thing she heard in her head was the demons telling her:
"don't eat"
"you're not good enough"
"no matter how hard you try to be special and be someone for someone, it will never happen".

Growing up, I always saw myself as the princess that needed to be rescued by a handsome prince.
Waiting for the one to come in his shining silver armor and a sword that shines in the moonlight
while I wear the long flowing dresses and a crown, only sitting and waiting.
While waiting for him, he is out fighting and battling, living an adventure.
Now I sit here and realize:
I am the one who saved myself
I am not only wearing my crown, but also the silver armor and carrying my own sword.
I am the one waiting on myself to have my own adventures.
Not only am I my own princess, I am my own knight.
I am my own savior.

My best friend's nickname is Ana.
No one can see her, but only I can feel her, everybody can see her in me.
I take it as a compliment because I am winning.
But everyone who says they love and care for me sees it as me losing and need help.
But I am winning and don't need help, winning at being the skinniest, winning at eating no calories. Winning at seeing and feeling the bones spike through my body. Doing all of this with the help of my best friend Ana. Shes all I need.
Why does everyone say I am losing, when I am winning?

I don't believe in a prince wearing his armory, slaying the princess' dragon, saving the princess, and living happily ever after together

I believe in the princess wearing her own armory, slaying her own dragons, saving herself , and living her own happily ever after

Little girls are always happy
They don't think about how they look
They are just genuinely happy
Until they start seeing pictures and ads of models
It is so painful to see these little girls compare themselves to them
They don't understand that those models don't even look like models
Due to photoshop and plastic surgery
Why does women have a physical attraction standard
It makes these little girls grow up and start to abuse their own bodies
Just to look like these models in the media

How can people be so desperate to be with others, to feel other peoples attention on themselves?
Maybe it is because they never learned how to love their own self
The best person to take on a date is yourself
The best relationship to have is the one you have with yourself
The best feeling to have is to complete things with all your own effort, to not rely on someone and be fully capable of doing little and big things on your own
The world is changing, it is okay for women and men to live by themselves
Before marrying someone, be the person that you would want to marry.

I act like a wolf in sheep's clothing
I have a big bark
I act strong
I say how I will never let anyone walk all over me and the louder the voice my opinions, the more stronger and confident I am
But it is all an act.
Once I let people into my life, I let them use me
I never speak up for myself and stand up
I cry every night because I am unhappy with myself
I am a sheep in wolf's clothing.

The girl in the mirror will always be a stranger to me
Whenever I see her, it is always mixed feelings
One day, I see her as pretty and confident
(which is a new sight for me to see)
Another day, I see her as someone that no one will ever want to take a double take at
She sometimes looks fat
She sometimes looks skinny
I can see all her physical flaws every time I look at her
Never will I know her

She loved the sky
Always looking up
Daydreams of the sky and clouds, the moon and the stars kept her happy
She stayed in her daydreams especially when times were bad on earth
Tired of talking to cops seeking protection
and hiding under the bed where the monster would pull her out and hurt her
In these moments, she taught herself to have her mind drift off
She was in the sky
As she was flying up, Earth hit her
As if her wings got clipped
Then one day, she decided she wanted to permanently be in the sky
She cut all ties with Earth
And flew into the sky
She flew past the sky that she always daydreamed of
Heaven had a much more beautiful sky

We all have our addictions, whether it's big or small, or good or bad
Growing up, she had her addiction to the normal things:toys, hugs,love
But teenage years came along as well as her hormones
Always hungry
Always eating
One fateful day, someone she loved told her she was fat
Just like that, she changed
Always hungry
Never Eating
Her new addictions: starving, losing weight, coming to love they way her bones spiked through her skin as if they wanted to jump out
We all have our addictions, where it's big or small, or good or bad

Sitting by the water, looking into my reflection
I then stand up and throw the feather of us
Let the wind takes it wherever it wants to go
I feel the river of dreams that is right besides me
I look down to see I am standing on my own two feet
I can stand up with all my strength, and all my strength is more than enough for me to live my own happy life
Looks like you aren't the kind of guy for me
I am now living in my own spiritual, magical, wonderful, fantasy world
without you.

She sat on her bed staring out the window into the moon.
Slowly clenching the pill bottle as the memories of her new life started to play and replay in her head.
The tears came out, she was not strong enough to hold them in forever.
The fight to hold them back in their cage worked all day until the moment of pure solitary.
Everything that she avoided has been taking a toll on her.
This moment it felt as though everything crashed on her like bricks.
It all heavily crowded her, like the harsh gray ocean waves crashing on the spike rocks on the bottom of the cliff.
She tried so hard to be that person for everyone.
Be that person people can rely on, find comfort in, fill the empty voids of broken hearts, be that girl he can fall in love with.
She tried to be that person but no one noticed.
Sometimes we try to be the people that we really need.
She wasn't beautiful enough, wasn't strong enough, wasn't funny enough, wasn't good enough.
She wasn't enough.
It used to be how she isn't enough.
When the newly empty bottle fell to the floor along with her future, it is now how she wasn't enough.

All his life, he has been searching for something, but he didn't know what
He wasn't looking for love or feeling wanderlust
Always content but never fully happy
His own house did not even feel like a home to him
It was just a place
But one day,
he met a girl
As soon as he saw her, he knew what he has been looking for all his life
As soon as he got to know her, he was fully happy and found where he was supposed to be in his life for the first time
He found comfort, love, joy, happiness in her
He found a home in her.

Losing someone you love is something that you will never get over
Having to create a new normal
Get used to their body's not being here, but being six feet under
How is the weather so beautiful during the services, but my head is filled with depression?
The world looks so beautiful and full of opportunity, but looks is just an illusion.
The world feels empty now, my heart feels like a piece of it has just disappeared.
And I am now laughing at there being opportunities, because there are no more opportunities for the one under the ground.

Some people look like and act like heaven
But have the intentions of hell
Some people look like hell
but are like heaven
How these hell people jump to quickly to judge or put down others
And these heaven people try to put back the pieces of the broken body together
Every time I hear someone complain and question on why God would let bad people in this world,
I always have the answer of saying that God put selfless people in this world
People who save lives, take bullets, give blood and organs, make others smile
Coming across these heaven people is rare because it seems like there are more hell people
But without these hell people, we wouldn't fully appreciate heaven people

There is so much in the world that describes heartbreak;
songs, poems, books, art, movies....
But there is not enough of the ones breaking the hearts
We hurt too
Guilt: Knowing they will be in pain because of you, it is inevitable
Numbness: they aren't making you feel anything as grand as you make them feel
Sadness: Watching the tears roll down as you tell them the truth and knowing that this was the ultimate ending
Despite hurting them, we are helping them,
Helping them find someone to have reciprocating feelings
At the end of the day, it is your own happiness
Do what you have to make yourself the most happy,
even if it means breaking hearts.
But just don't lead on longer than it has to.

The most independent, amazing, freeing realization is when you were drunk last night and no boys who have been breaking your heart crossed your mind.

You are the one that I want to walk around with all night until the sun comes up
I want to explore new places and have adventures with you
To see all the beautiful places like the city skylines,
Be on the beach and feel the moon light touching our skin
Dancing with you on the dance floor
Having you hold me when I need you the most
Your touch makes me feels like a million butterflies flying in my stomach
I knew you all my life
I loved you all my life
And when I saw you the first time, I knew it would be you all along
And here we are,
I am walking down the aisle to you
Seeing the future with you
This is it.

The hardest thing is not finding yourself
It is when you find yourself and you aren't happy

Your life doesn't seem different because it is small subtle changes happening all the time that we adjust to
Sometimes it will never hit us how much our lives has changed
Sometimes it will hit us randomly or when we lose something drastic that we thought we will never lose.
I remember when I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up and taking the freeways to work at my dream job, able to wear makeup every day and dress professionally, being taken seriously but also living a fun adult life
One day when I was on the freeway going to work, it all hit me:
I am the adult woman that my little girl self always wanted to be.

Everyone always asks for their guardian angels to do their best on us
Everyone always wants the best to happen for ourselves
Why do I want my guardian angel to let their guard down?
Why do I want my demons to consume me like once before?
My demons were my comfort zone before they were almost destroyed by the angels
But they weren't 100% destroyed

I have learned growing up to never let any man take advantage of me
I have always tried to follow this advice fully knowing that following this advice is the safe thing to do and the right thing to do
Until one fateful day.
Why can't women walk alone at night anymore?
The silence of him attacking me, the silence of him ripping off my clothes and taking advantage of me, the silence of him enjoying every second, has been the most loudest noise I have ever heard
The noise and sight and his touch can't go away
No matter how many showers I take
No matter how loud I play my music
In the moment and for the rest of my life, I feel less than the trash in the garbage bin
It felt as though all my future, my self love, my dignity, my dreams all went away when he pulled up his pants and left me for dead.

How can you be in love with someone,
in love with every part of them,
when you don't even love every part of yourself?

I used to be the person that will always be there for someone, no matter how bad or disrespectful they treated me
I used to be the person who would give in and beg for that person to not be mad at me anymore even though I did nothing wrong: just so they can be nice to me again
But growing up, I realized enough is enough
Why am I letting them disrespect me? Doing this, I was disrespecting myself.
No more.
My confidence grew like Jack's beanstalk growing and touching the sky.
No more will anybody try to walk all over me because I will no longer be a doormat. I will be the door, open for the right people and close on the wrong people.
Fighting back with people who try to take advantage and speaking my voice never felt so good.
I become angry at myself that I used to be weak,
but to become strong, I must start from somewhere.
Strong will I be for the rest of my life.

I could be in my bed in the middle of the night
or at work clocked in half way through my shift
and it starts:
My heart racing, my blood rushing, my breath becoming shorter
I start to sweat like the rain in Seattle
Feeling so nervous like I am slowly walking to my slow painful death in anticipation
The world starts to spin fast and faster and faster
I feel paralyzed trying to make it stop
"Anxiety is not a real thing" they say
But if it isn't a real thing, why is it so painful?

Finally i met someone who i thought was different than the rest
with all the others, i always knew it would end
but he was the first where i thought the end would never appear
now i am seeing him start to drift apart
im wanting more and he is wanting less
he contradicts himself by saying he really likes me
but doesnt want anything more
am i the problem
or is he
am i not good enough for him
or he isnt good enough for me
my heart is breaking and the only fix will be him who will never be mine

There is something so freeing about expressing your feelings
Breaking that bottle that you bottled up
Letting it explode in all the right places
Sharing your story in all the right places
Showing how you have grown in all the right places
For some people, it is drawing and painting
For some people, it is writing poetry or stories
For some people, it is simply talking to a trust person
Everyone goes into all the right places
That is, if they choose to.