Abandoned,
Stranded on my own,
The pressure kept building,
The floodwaters rose,
You went and left me on my own,
Fled this mortal coil,
Now I'm broken, rust eternal,
I'm corroding in my mind,
You ******* left me stranded,
I might have done the same,
But this life held me like a briar,
Hooked into my flesh,
I could never escape,
Though the hooks are falling out,
Rotten just as I,
Never could come soon,
I'm doing in with doubt,
I'm scared for my friends,
Terrified for Family,
This thing that I could do,
The same as done to me,
You ******* left me,
Went without a word,
I told you I cared,
A brother you were,
To more than your blood,
A brother to me,
Tears came as a flood,
Now I'm a canyon,
Empty and dry,
I'm ******* empty and the alcohol isn't enough anymore,
All of these memories,
Would I be better without?
I miss you so much,
So very ******* much,
I ask why but you could never answer,
I can't answer,
All I can say is I'm fine and I'm not,
I lie with a smile,
I hide all the rot.

We pass like strangers
Days grow longer
I just want her
I just want her
To notice me
For her to see
Does she not wander
Does she not wander
From the status quo
The routine flow
The usual
The usual
We pass like strangers
The days grow darker
I just want her
I just want her

That forgotten ache, that bruise faded yet still sore to the touch, the shoulder that was never quite right after the fall from that tree...
You are none of these things, no, you are a knife in my side, exactly where I pulled out the one I put there two years ago, you're my hand on the stove top, held stubbornly until the heat is too much to bare, you're the insides of my cheeks torn to shreds by my own teeth to keep me from voicing my thoughts.

You're memories I buried,
Concrete confidence and steel-infused smiles,
Structurally unsound with your sudden excavation.
You're my knuckles, ****** and raw, striking concrete again and again and again and again and again... And a few times more.
You're nights spent stirring, shifting, sleepless.
******* you're a ghost!
You're a clouds shadow!
You're nothing, a name and little more!

...and yet you're a face.
A face I forgot to forget, a face I saw today, after two years and... you're still beautiful, you're so beautiful and I hate you for it!
I saw you and I almost smiled, I almost smiled until you looked straight ahead, avoiding me with your eyes, blank-faced and silent, like looking at me would cost you, I wonder what the cost would be...
I hate that I wish you'd payed it.

So here I am, two years on and my first sight of you since...
A sighting and I'm back writing poems about you once again, how cheap the accommodation of my mind.

Because you kicked and you screamed,
And you cried and you pleaded,
To meet the Reaper.

Yes you cut and you stabbed,
Swallowed pills until you gagged,
Just to try to meet the Reaper.

You even hung from a rope,
But then it broke, what a joke,
You just want to meet the Reaper.

Closed your eyes, fell three floors,
Broke your feet and nothing more,
You're dying to meet the Reaper.

You shot yourself in the head,
Yet you're still not ******* dead!
Why can't you meet the Reaper.

How you long for an end,
Suicide, your favourite trend,
Life decided you're a keeper.

Now you're grey, what can I say,
Death could come any day,
But you don't want to meet the Reaper.

Lived a life, plagued by strife,
Now you sleep with a knife,
Just in case you meet the Reaper.

I've been thinking, I've spent a lot of time thinking, and after a certain length of time I found myself sinking, these thoughts, you see, well they plagued me, held me captive every night till I thought I'd go crazy, but then the thoughts took on a different shade, no longer was it hard for me, was it hard to see, the sun rose and and with it came light, like somebody finally repaired that broken wire, and my mind came to life in an explosion of electric fire as my spirit soared above the darkness that I had known for so long, I began thinking not of what I could not achieve but rather what those amazing people who had been subjected to so little faith had managed to accomplish, and those thoughts sent tremors through my brain as I saw the endless capabilities existence has to offer, I thought how lone planets, existing in utter solitude survived without a sun to keep them warm but just as suddenly as the sun rose it dipped below the horizon once more and left me consumed in the darkness of my mind. Blood is that fragile scarlet tree we carry within us and too many times have my thoughts led to tearing off the leaves, the mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled and I fear that it has been treated like the former in such magnitude that I may never find a breeze with which to fan the dying embers to aflame and my days would be dark forevermore and it's times like these that I lie awake through the dark hours of night and my eyes suivez la lune as it chases the sun, reaching for that unreachable light oblivious to the fact it casts it's own, and as I bathe in that ethereal glow, my shadow whispers, "you'll find no sanctum in the light" and I shiver,
What good is light when it no longer holds the darkness at bay? What good is a shield that offers no protection, there is nowhere left to hide and I'm sinking beneath this tide of mixed emotions, my breath floating to the surface as I sink deeper in the depths of my despair, I'm drowning...

Confusion has taken up residence within my mind of late,
An uncertainty, certainly,
Like a crossroads with no signpost,
I'm unsure of where to go,
Where I'm going,
...once, going twice and gone to the gentleman in the tan suit flanked by white-clad orderlies,
Gone with the wind,
My life is a mosaic of mistakes,
Beautiful for some to behold, but broken none the less,
My heart hasn't skipped a beat but I've skipped my last few appointments,
I'm addicted to shortcuts leading nowhere fast,
Getting ahead at lagging behind,
I'm... Afraid.

Too much empty space and yet no room to think,
I'm howling but you wouldn't hear a sound if you cared enough to listen,
Nor see a ripple upon the surface of the lake you used to swim in,
You see what you have to see,
What I have to show you,
You see a constantly constructed façade of smiles, of laughter,
Of everything that constitutes being "okay"
You don't see the jagged edges,
My hands are torn and ****** from holding it in place,
Still, scratched palms are nothing to keep you in the dark,
Or rather, out of it,
I suffer this alone, I endure this alone,
I stand alone
...and I fall alone,
And as I meet the ground, I fragment,
To once again piece myself together,
I wonder when the cracks will show...

A fool is he that shares his bed with the fear in his head,
My choices weigh my down, like cement shoes they pull me under the ever rising tide of self-loathing that constantly threatens to drown me.
Why do I feel such hatred for those eyes in the mirror, I can only stare for so long lest the urge to put my head through the reflective pane become too much.
It is a fire.
It burns within me, this anger, this disgust.
The shadows sing quietly so as no one else can hear.
Whisper abuse, taunting,
I am weak, hopeless and predictable,
As always, I rise to the bait.
Shackled, bound, as much a prisoner as any convict rotting behind bars,
I waste away within my mind.
I'll lash out at you!
I will...
Can't stop till I've had my fill,
I starve for blood and my own will do,
I hate that I want to hate you,
I hate that I fall short of the mark,
I hate and I hate and I hate,
Until I'm completely lost in the dark...

I'll **** your demons,
Knowing you can't **** mine,
And when asked if I'm okay,
I'll respond with "I'm fine",
I'm not your burden,
Though I may be your friend,
Put the pressure on and I'll break before I bend.

Peace is giving,
Fading,
Quenched by the patient black,
As always I had thought myself free,
A bird released from its cage into a room with no windows,
Free for the moment,
Imprisoned the next,
Clipped wings and a silent song,
At least you'd think so...

I'm plagued by fake smiles and false promises, thought poor because I can't quite pay attention,
Maybe if you'd pay attention to me we could share in the wealth of each other,
...But I'm not quite worth your time.

I breathed in the idea,
Like smoke it filled my lungs,
Killed me slowly,
Stripped away skin,
Diluted flesh...

I'd tell you how I feel,
But all I feel is cheated,
And your attention is like a sigh,
A gust of wind strong enough to send yesterday's newspaper to the bottom of the bin,
I'm old news,
And I never made the front page,
And you don't even read the paper.

Yesterday's absence is a tribute to you,
A sly reference to your biggest punchline,
You punch like Mike-*******-Tyson,
Your apathy a clenched fist,
Striking my ribs and leaving me breathless,
I never was any good at boxing,
And I could never take a swing at you.

I'm down for the count,
Because you can count on me,
And the same can't be said of you,
Because I take hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit afteeeeer hit... and then I take a few more,
Because I can't stop thinking,
Because the last guy ****** you over and I don't want to be the last guy to the next me.

You're not my experience, no, I am yours,
I was a new jacket that got old far too quickly,
A cigarette smoked because, ****? who doesn't smoke these days?
I am and only ever was... Temporary.

That tree we carved our initials into was cut down to make room for a ******* liquor store,
An ironic twist, an easy fix,
I was only ever a distraction,
Another bottle,
You dropped me just to see if Id break...
And I did.

Your knuckles still knock the wind from me every time I'm overlooked,
Still graze my cheeks with every impatient sigh,
You still punch like Mike-*******-Tyson.

I can't tell whether I'm sorry or just ******,
The only thing I know is that I surely won't be missed,
At least not by you dad, at least not by you,
And hell ain't it sad that all I ever seem to do
Is disappoint you time and again,
Always just a failure, a boy amongst men,
Forever looked down on from you so high above,
All I ever wanted was my fathers love, I heard those words maybe once, maybe twice,
"I'm proud of you son"
They gripped my heart like a vice,
But those days are past and mine are now numbered,
I'm sorry I couldn't be the son that you'd always wanted...

I wonder do you hate me? I think I might hate you,
But it's not your fault, I know that to be true,
As I know that my bloods red and my feelings are a kaleidoscope of blue,
I fell when you pushed me, where the son you wanted would have flew,
And I'm so sincerely sorry I ever did this to you...

I wonder if you'll visit me, when I am just a gravestone,
I don't hold out much hope, it was never really my home,
I was just a stranger, you didn't care to know,
And despite how much I wish you would I never once let it show...

I'm gonna wrap this up 'coz I hear your car on the driveway,
A good thing too as I'm almost out of things to say,
I don't know what's next, I'm a doubtful atheist,
I guess It'd be a waste of time if I prayed to a god that don't exist...

True to my nature I ****** up,
I gave in to my lesser desires, I gave up common sense.
I gave to the tide,
I went under.

As though in quicksand I sunk,
Thrashing,
Death throes.
I'm grasping at straws,
At snapped telephone wires,
Pulse distortion,
Just a touch away,
It's beckoning,
And oh so appealing.

What I wouldn't do for a little peace of mind.
Shocking!
Isn't it?
The attraction of interaction,
The constant presence or lack there of,
The desire, the distance...

Unsure of my footing I falter,
A newborn lamb, learning to hold it's own weight,
An adolescent, still learning.
Where did I go wrong?
How do I go right?
What option have I left?

Forever fearful,
Of what's beneath the bed,
Of what's in my head.

Are you leaving?

There's not much left to leave,
Running out of patience,
Running,
Nowhere to go,
Can't stop,
Can't stand,
Falling...

You are a sore thumb,
Pressed hard against my eye,
You blind me,
Unique in your affect,
Your image,
Branding,
Thoughts of you linger,
Ink stained fingers brush my eyelids,
And ink stains them still,
I see you in my sleep...

There aren't enough crystals in the world to cleanse this mind,
Nor enough bandages to keep the skin on these knuckles,
There isn't enough sugar to hide the bitter taste in this mouth,
There isn't enough,
This life is lacking...

You called me your moon,
Knowing I didn't sleep very much,
Like I watched over you at night,
Like I kept the shadows at bay,
Like I could see you more than a handful of times a year,
I,
I think of you often.
You're an entire galaxy,
But the sky's the limit...
I could never get enough of you,
And you could barely comprehend my existence,
You see me, looking at you
And you smile,
But you don't see me,
I thought you did,
I thought a lot, think a lot,
Maybe I'm getting mixed signals,
Electrochemical signals,
Neurons transmitting to neurons,
Misperception or mere deception?
You're so much more than I could ever hope to have and,
I... Shudder,

You called me your moon,
Knowing I didn't sleep very much,
Except now you're one of the reasons why,
You're coffee,
Just more addictive,
More attractive,
And it's easier to sleep with caffeine in my veins than you in my mind.

You're a drug disguised as a sugar cube,
The craving came as a shock,
And hangs over like a storm cloud.

You like roses,
I didn't know you liked the thorns too,
I never even considered that you'd find your way through the briar,
That you'd find your way into my head.

You called me your moon,
Knowing I don't sleep very much.

But the moon is a beautiful thing.

Zoos the size of cities,
We are the domesticated cattle,
I am a beast in captivity,
Pacing the confines of my enclosure,
My cage,
Like lemmings we march towards the cliffs edge without hesitation,
Will you fall?
Death or detainment,
The choices they offer us,
I denied them the satisfaction,
They denied me my sanity,
I am a spectacle none seem interested in,
Sidewalks, shopping malls,
Natural habitats,
The endangering species.
**** or be killed,
Use or be used,
We each climb a ladder,
A ladder of corpses,
Our victims take us higher,
You take or you are left with nothing,
Time ticks on.
Instincts are dulled, nails against stone,
Blunted swords,
Bloated stomachs,
Rotting minds.
The precious governed.
Flocks of people,
Sheep to the slaughter,
Imprisoned in the set standard of normal life.
Go to school,
Grow up,
Get a job,
Grow old,
Die.
Rinse and repeat.
Survival is paying off the mortgage,
Success is sustained marriage,
Control has an altogether different meaning than it used to.
We are not in control,
Though we have the power to take it.

I'm losing my ******* mind,
I'm afraid to sleep,
Afraid to dream,
I'm plagued nightly,
Terrors behind my eyelids,
Disappointment painted on every face I pass,
Runt of the litter,
I'm nothing,
I'm terrified,
Afraid to sleep,
Wake up hiding,
Afraid of the dead,
Dead and buried,
They won't stay buried,
I'm losing my ******* mind.

I don't know who I am anymore,
Too many masks,
Too much deceit,
I'm revolting,
I preach honesty,
And lie with every smile,
Does it reach my eyes?
Can you bear to look into them?
Tell me you've never lost sleep over what if's,
I'm losing sleep,
Losing time,
Who the **** am I?
Do you dream?
Do you recall?
I see dreams in daylight,
Hear noises others can't,
Am I awake?
Am I asleep?
No running,
Nowhere to run,
I'm running out of time,
What time is it?
Is this a cry for help?
Is there anything that can help?
Sleepless,
Helpless,
Hopeless,
Loveless.

I'm losing my ******* mind.

You are the sun in my eyes,
As I cross the road,
You make my life a gamble,
A toss of the coin I regret not giving to the beggar because of some ******* excuse I made up to ease the guilt,
Warm on my skin, you're fire to my cornea,
Nothing but a beautiful distraction,
But then, I don't look away...

You're my life in tatters,
The angry landlord I'm too broke to pay,
You're the food that is ash in my mouth and cement in my stomach,
You're not good for me, but I'd be worse without.

I tell people I don't have an addictive personality,
Without really understanding what that means,
I've never been dependant on drugs or alcohol,
A month ago I could say with pride that I'd never held a cigarette between my lips,
A month ago suddenly seems like a long time...

I don't rely on anything,
Another lie.
My addiction is my attraction,
My distraction,
As soon as the feeling blooms,
I condemn myself,
To nights in the dark,
To nights spent alone,
Wishing they weren't.
Do you think of me,
As much as I think of you?
Does anyone think of me in the same magnitude as I do them?
I doubt it.
I'm a thinker,
Who wishes he weren't,
I struggle with it,
With the power play that is my sanity,
I produce thoughts but I do not control them,
They control me,
Or they would if I gave them an inch.

My mind is a battlefield,
Strewn with corpses and bullet casings,
Trenches and craters,
I'm stuck in a war with myself,
I'm always on the losing side.
Losing...
I'm losing it,
Losing friends, losing respect,
Losing myself in my fears.

Who the **** do you think you are?
To smile at me like that,
You have such a beautiful smile...
Get out of my head!
There's too many of you in here already,
Fighting for space,
Fighting for the hell of it,
Peace is something I remember,
But I haven't felt it in awhile,
Anger is something I know,
Burning my throat,
Bringing forth gouts of flame,
In words meant to harm,
Meant to hurt,
I want you to hurt,
Like I hurt,
Like I burn,
A walking inferno,
Won't someone ***** me out?

When I was young,
A toddler,
I pressed my hand to the glass of the fireplace,
And I felt pain,
And I screamed,
And my parents were there in an instant,
And I was cared for.

When I was in my teens,
The war was in it's early days,
I pressed a lighter against my skin,
And I felt pain,
And I felt calm,
And I gasped,
And no one was there to tell me not to,
And no one cared.
And I did it again,
And once more.

They say scars tell stories,
And I guess that's true,
But no one wants to listen to mine,
And the ending is always the same,
I'm nothing but a cliché,
And I guess that makes you one too.

I'm sick of myself,
And I'm sick of you,
And I'm sick of worrying about you,
And I'm sick of worrying about others,
And I'm sick.

I'm alone,
In a crowd,
Don't you dare say you understand,
We think differently,
Feel differently,
You understand nothing of what I'm going through,
I wish you ******* did.

I'm there for you,
Safety netting should you fall,
Once the dangers passed,
And you don't need me,
I'm packed away and forgotten,
Until next you take to the tightrope.

I've been thinking of rope lately,
And dizzying heights,
And free fall,
Where's my safety netting?
If a tree falls in a forest,
And no one is around to hear it,
Does it make a sound?
If I jump off a cliff,
In the middle of nowhere,
And no one is around to hear it,
Will I make a sound,
When I hit the ground?

Would anyone care?
I doubt it.

I'm terrified of the prospect,
The idea,
The monster tapping on my window,
Gnarled bark or gnarled nails,
Carving into my skin,
You're stripping me bare,
I'm baring my teeth,
Wolves at the door,
You're knocking on my door like a Jehovah's Witness,
Like you have something to preach of,
Like I'll give you the time of day,
Which I will,
Every single day,
You find yourself knocking on my door.

A let down sick of being let down,
Sick of getting up,
I'll lie in the dirt,
In the reawakened realisation that I'm not worth the time
Until lies give me the strength,
Or false hope to climb to my feet again,
Just to be let down,
And ***** my back once more.

You are a golden ticket,
For a false lottery,
That I keep buying,
You are tails on a two-headed coin,
I bet on every time,
I bet you won't bail on me the next time,
We make plans to see each other,
If only you saw what this was doing to me.

Like a nail in downpour,
I corrode,
I rust,
Like the abandoned bicycle.
Like a match,
You strike me,
You set me burning,
And you throw me away.

I'm but a child's art project,
A roughly hewn mess of emotions and cheesy metaphors,
Barely held together by carelessly applied superglue,
By an overestimated excuse of willpower,
By a towering fear of falling apart
And not having a rug big enough to sweep myself under.

Through all these thoughts,
Fears and imaginings,
These facts,
These fractures,
I endure.
I always will.

She reminds me of days spent in summer,
The early morning sun staining my skin,
Early morning,
Dew still blankets the grass beneath my feet,
It glistens like her eyes,
I smile at her smile, her smiling at me,
I remember racing down hills,
Oh how she makes my heart race,
When I can't run anymore, the fall, the loss of breath,
The earths embrace, she is it.
She reminds me of my youth,
Of a time when time didn't matter, when joy was found in everything,
I found everything in her.
Impossible to place, the day I bordered up my heart like some rundown orphanage,
Built up walls of hostility and stone to keep the ****** thing from hurting anymore,
But,
You were an unstoppable force and all I had were walls,
You tore them down like the school on Coleridge Street after it caught fire,
I didn't stand a chance,
I hope you'll take a chance on me.

She reminds me of days spent in summer,
I want to spend winter with you.
Hibernate in each other's arms,
Freezing, were I frozen,
We could freeze together but that your touch is fire, burning my skin,
You thawed me out and left me vulnerable,
A raw nerve,
You are ice cream on sensitive teeth and I don't want to stop biting,
You shock me, set electricity coursing through my veins,
I feel alive!
You're my defibrillator,
If you were mine.

Cold is vague.

From sharing sheets and waking in sunlight,
Your fingers, fire dancing across my skin,
Each day was greeted with a smile,
Each day greeted with you beside me,
Warmth was nothing, overlooked,
Taken for granted,
Taken without a care.

From strangling sheets and waking in a cold sweat,
The wind, cutting flesh to the bone, chilling,
Each day perceived with a sigh,
My breath misting the air.

Cold is vague,
It is the thoughts in my head,
Set on a loop,
Replaying in my dreams every night,
And when I wake,
It's like there's ice on my pillow,
Cold envelopes me.

Cold is your sudden attacks,
Words wielded like a scythe,
Reaping the hope I had built at the idea of us,
Cutting me down.

Cold is vague,
It is the accusation in your voice,
The shoulder you turn to leave me staring at your back,
The echo of your departure.

It is summer.
Though I see the sun,
The sun does not see me,
The sun does not know me
And though I see the sun,
I no longer feel it.

Cold is vague and leaves you brittle.

These are the things that break me;

The things that take me apart,
They dwell in my head,
They poison my heart.

The look in his eyes,
As I fail to be,
The standard of son,
He expected to see.

These are the things that break me.

The absence of any,
Who could help with the pain,
Grasping at air,
Searching in vain.

These are the things that break me.

The hatred I feel,
The anger I know,
Burning inside,
With nowhere to go.

These are the things that break me.

The thoughts in mind,
Keep me from sleep,
I am a prisoner,
They plan to keep.

These are the things that break me;

The things that take me apart,
They dwell in my head,
They poison my heart.

These are the things that break me.

I see you,
As I see you somedays,
Burned upon my retina,
It's how the demons play,
They torture me,
With thoughts of you,
The person that,
I thought I knew,
But I thought wrong,
Now all I do,
Is think of how,
It wasn't true,
The friend I thought,
I'd never lose,
Left me with,
A mind stained blue,
To match a heart,
That's missing you.

I once knew a person
Who made me feel okay
I told them everything
They told me they would stay
Imagine my surprise
When on that dreary day
They told me to forget
And went their separate way.
          
I once knew a person
Who kissed me in the rain
Told me that they loved me
So much it caused them pain
Imagine my surprise
As I stepped out of that train
And saw that person kissing
A man without my name.

I know a certain person
He knew some people too
They told him many things
That he believed were true
But now he knows they weren't
And now his mind is blue
And now that certain person
Has one last thing to do
I want to stop this all from happening
To one as kind as you.

Alone but not for the constant ringing in my ears, the echo of your voice fading quickly to follow you into oblivion and leave me entirely alone.
I see your ghost sometimes, and would believe it to be if not that I knew you still drew breath, leaving me to question whatever sanity I retained after your departure from my life, be it I retained any at all, perhaps I am truly and utterly out of my mind,
Except that I'm not, I'm trapped in here, with these thoughts and memories that keep me from sweet unconsciousness, no, I don't deserve the peace, or at least some deity has decided so, for no matter what I attempt to combat this incarceration, I fall short of the mark and remain shackled, with one last question upon my lips... 'Will I never be free?'
Minutes to hours, hours to days, I drift through this pitiful excuse of an existence, haunted by the thoughts formed inside my mind, I am limited in emotion, in expression, the only one to come easily is anger, red hot and merciless, I want only but to destroy and it never entirely fades, that anger, that rage, it bides beneath the surface of my skin ready to erupt at the smallest thing.
I question the validity of my being human, at times I feel more like the manifestation of anger, were my skin red I would have no doubt... What am I? I feel like a time bomb, ticking away until the moment I go off and **** everything too close, in my darker moments of thought I see those killed as nothing but collateral damage, I do not care for the lives taken, and this in itself leads me to want an end to my own, before my time runs out and I incinerate those around me in a white-hot fury...

As I stared at the corroded ladder of rust and regret that is the life I call my own, you find your way into my mind once again despite the walls of stone I've piled up to keep you out so that I may sleep in peace and dream of currents that take me out to a sea of wonder and beauty, where indigo waves dance to a choir of dazzling stars orchestrated by the moon, I find myself remembering the way your lips would curve up ever so slightly at the edges as you saw me walk up your driveway with love in my eyes and I remember the pain I withstood as your own met mine with annoyance like looking down a loaded barrel which I soon after found myself considering, but despite the pain in my chest that struck with each intake of breath I held strong to the belief that there was something worth waiting for just around the corner of this street so littered with mistakes, bloodied doorways, broken mailboxes and boarded up remains of what were once church windows, the path upon which I tread was as broken as I, awash with the brown and green of shattered beer bottles, and with each step I took to a chorus of crepitations I came to realise a little bit more that this was wrong, this was not the path for me, or at least not the one upon which I could wear a smile with the hope of looking out at the world with love in my eyes again, you see I was not resigned to the occupation of an angry old drunk spouting abuse at any who wandered too close, I was not content to such a lifestyle, no I was not content to such failure, so I found the corner and now I climb a different ladder, one lacking poorly made decisions bred out of a sorrow so deep it was evident in every stolen glance, I'm climbing with hope in my battered heart, and though I fear to fall, I know now that I will land in safety netting strung by the desire to stay alive and see a pair of lips curve up ever so slightly at the edges once more as I walk down a driveway with love in my eyes, I have faith that I can climb this ladder to its peak and cry out in amazement as the sun lights the sky and the earth awakens around me, as though some unseen artist takes up his palette of petals, the likes of which set autumn ablaze, and with each brushstroke a new story begins as seeds take root and fears dissipate in the mind I now have no horror of traversing, thoughts form and drift lazily through my mind like a crows feather on a still lake, I stand tall among the clouds made up of arms ready to embrace me should I fall, I find tears in my eyes once more, and yet unlike those salty droplets of sea foam sadness that fell to crimson wrists, these sparkle in the rays of stellar dust that warm my cheeks, for they are shed with joy, unknown to me until such a time as now, when the blood in my veins no longer needs to stain my skin red and my flesh once withered, is now pure, unimpeded by urges spawned from despair of forever living in darkness, I survived the darkness, and I have found the light, I take one last look at the corroded ladder of rust and regret that was my life... And I finally take the first and last step towards truly living, I have no more need of ladders.