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Samuel Alexander Jun 2017
Stranded on my own,
The pressure kept building,
The floodwaters rose,
You went and left me on my own,
Fled this mortal coil,
Now I'm broken, rust eternal,
I'm corroding in my mind,
You ******* left me stranded,
I might have done the same,
But this life held me like a briar,
Hooked into my flesh,
I could never escape,
Though the hooks are falling out,
Rotten just as I,
Never could come soon,
I'm doing in with doubt,
I'm scared for my friends,
Terrified for Family,
This thing that I could do,
The same as done to me,
You ******* left me,
Went without a word,
I told you I cared,
A brother you were,
To more than your blood,
A brother to me,
Tears came as a flood,
Now I'm a canyon,
Empty and dry,
I'm ******* empty and the alcohol isn't enough anymore,
All of these memories,
Would I be better without?
I miss you so much,
So very ******* much,
I ask why but you could never answer,
I can't answer,
All I can say is I'm fine and I'm not,
I lie with a smile,
I hide all the rot.
Samuel Alexander Mar 2017
We pass like strangers
Days grow longer
I just want her
I just want her
To notice me
For her to see
Does she not wander
Does she not wander
From the status quo
The routine flow
The usual
The usual
We pass like strangers
The days grow darker
I just want her
I just want her
Samuel Alexander Aug 2015
That forgotten ache, that bruise faded yet still sore to the touch, the shoulder that was never quite right after the fall from that tree...
You are none of these things, no, you are a knife in my side, exactly where I pulled out the one I put there two years ago, you're my hand on the stove top, held stubbornly until the heat is too much to bare, you're the insides of my cheeks torn to shreds by my own teeth to keep me from voicing my thoughts.

You're memories I buried,
Concrete confidence and steel-infused smiles,
Structurally unsound with your sudden excavation.
You're my knuckles, ****** and raw, striking concrete again and again and again and again and again... And a few times more.
You're nights spent stirring, shifting, sleepless.
******* you're a ghost!
You're a clouds shadow!
You're nothing, a name and little more!

...and yet you're a face.
A face I forgot to forget, a face I saw today, after two years and... you're still beautiful, you're so beautiful and I hate you for it!
I saw you and I almost smiled, I almost smiled until you looked straight ahead, avoiding me with your eyes, blank-faced and silent, like looking at me would cost you, I wonder what the cost would be...
I hate that I wish you'd payed it.

So here I am, two years on and my first sight of you since...
A sighting and I'm back writing poems about you once again, how cheap the accommodation of my mind.
Samuel Alexander Jul 2015
Because you kicked and you screamed,
And you cried and you pleaded,
To meet the Reaper.

Yes you cut and you stabbed,
Swallowed pills until you gagged,
Just to try to meet the Reaper.

You even hung from a rope,
But then it broke, what a joke,
You just want to meet the Reaper.

Closed your eyes, fell three floors,
Broke your feet and nothing more,
You're dying to meet the Reaper.

You shot yourself in the head,
Yet you're still not ******* dead!
Why can't you meet the Reaper.

How you long for an end,
Suicide, your favourite trend,
Life decided you're a keeper.

Now you're grey, what can I say,
Death could come any day,
But you don't want to meet the Reaper.

Lived a life, plagued by strife,
Now you sleep with a knife,
Just in case you meet the Reaper.
Samuel Alexander May 2015
I've been thinking, I've spent a lot of time thinking, and after a certain length of time I found myself sinking, these thoughts, you see, well they plagued me, held me captive every night till I thought I'd go crazy, but then the thoughts took on a different shade, no longer was it hard for me, was it hard to see, the sun rose and and with it came light, like somebody finally repaired that broken wire, and my mind came to life in an explosion of electric fire as my spirit soared above the darkness that I had known for so long, I began thinking not of what I could not achieve but rather what those amazing people who had been subjected to so little faith had managed to accomplish, and those thoughts sent tremors through my brain as I saw the endless capabilities existence has to offer, I thought how lone planets, existing in utter solitude survived without a sun to keep them warm but just as suddenly as the sun rose it dipped below the horizon once more and left me consumed in the darkness of my mind. Blood is that fragile scarlet tree we carry within us and too many times have my thoughts led to tearing off the leaves, the mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled and I fear that it has been treated like the former in such magnitude that I may never find a breeze with which to fan the dying embers to aflame and my days would be dark forevermore and it's times like these that I lie awake through the dark hours of night and my eyes suivez la lune as it chases the sun, reaching for that unreachable light oblivious to the fact it casts it's own, and as I bathe in that ethereal glow, my shadow whispers, "you'll find no sanctum in the light" and I shiver,
What good is light when it no longer holds the darkness at bay? What good is a shield that offers no protection, there is nowhere left to hide and I'm sinking beneath this tide of mixed emotions, my breath floating to the surface as I sink deeper in the depths of my despair, I'm drowning...
Samuel Alexander Apr 2015
Confusion has taken up residence within my mind of late,
An uncertainty, certainly,
Like a crossroads with no signpost,
I'm unsure of where to go,
Where I'm going,
...once, going twice and gone to the gentleman in the tan suit flanked by white-clad orderlies,
Gone with the wind,
My life is a mosaic of mistakes,
Beautiful for some to behold, but broken none the less,
My heart hasn't skipped a beat but I've skipped my last few appointments,
I'm addicted to shortcuts leading nowhere fast,
Getting ahead at lagging behind,
I'm... Afraid.

Too much empty space and yet no room to think,
I'm howling but you wouldn't hear a sound if you cared enough to listen,
Nor see a ripple upon the surface of the lake you used to swim in,
You see what you have to see,
What I have to show you,
You see a constantly constructed fa├žade of smiles, of laughter,
Of everything that constitutes being "okay"
You don't see the jagged edges,
My hands are torn and ****** from holding it in place,
Still, scratched palms are nothing to keep you in the dark,
Or rather, out of it,
I suffer this alone, I endure this alone,
I stand alone
...and I fall alone,
And as I meet the ground, I fragment,
To once again piece myself together,
I wonder when the cracks will show...
Samuel Alexander Apr 2015
A fool is he that shares his bed with the fear in his head,
My choices weigh my down, like cement shoes they pull me under the ever rising tide of self-loathing that constantly threatens to drown me.
Why do I feel such hatred for those eyes in the mirror, I can only stare for so long lest the urge to put my head through the reflective pane become too much.
It is a fire.
It burns within me, this anger, this disgust.
The shadows sing quietly so as no one else can hear.
Whisper abuse, taunting,
I am weak, hopeless and predictable,
As always, I rise to the bait.
Shackled, bound, as much a prisoner as any convict rotting behind bars,
I waste away within my mind.
I'll lash out at you!
I will...
Can't stop till I've had my fill,
I starve for blood and my own will do,
I hate that I want to hate you,
I hate that I fall short of the mark,
I hate and I hate and I hate,
Until I'm completely lost in the dark...

I'll **** your demons,
Knowing you can't **** mine,
And when asked if I'm okay,
I'll respond with "I'm fine",
I'm not your burden,
Though I may be your friend,
Put the pressure on and I'll break before I bend.
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