I hide when I should fight,
Fight when I should hide.
I cry when I should smile,
Smile when I should cry.
I retreat when I should attack,
Attack when I should retreat.

Sighs

I'm lost,
I want to be found.
I'm stuck,
I want to move around.
This goop keeps holding me,
Within this circumference;
In this perimeter;
Hidden beneath shawls.

Life is hard.
You'll never get what you want,
Or wish for,
Or deserve,
All life gives you is lemons-
Lemons and limes.

I was skeptic;
As I watched his mask fade away.
I was victimized;
But it was hardly my fault.
Some people are just experts at hiding;
There are no visible cracks in their camouflage.
Their voices are so mellifluous;
You can never really discern the lies.

I found out the hard way;
That I fell in love with the ghost of the shadow of a boy that I thought I knew,
That I gave my whole life to.
I thought he loved me too,
But I was just a tool;
To help him assure himself;
That he had the capability to love still.
Or lust.
Deceiving himself as well as me;
Knowing all along that his feelings were unreal.
His actions were trompe-l’oeil;
His words were fabricated.

I’m in love with the ghost of the shadow of a boy that I thought I knew.
Turns out that when the truth was revealed I became the fool.
It didn’t really matter that I had a heart;
The fact that I was innocent didn’t really change things;
Somehow I ended up in front of a loaded gun;
Because the boy I loved;
Turned out to have a completely different set of flaws;
Flaws that I was completely unaware of.

All I can do is pray as I am positioned
Between the barrel of a loaded gun and the boy I thought I knew.
My hands shaking as it slowly dawned on me,
The realisation that I would be shot at just to get back at
The ghost of the shadow of a boy that I fell in love with,
But he isn’t real.
The boy himself doesn’t feel.
But the one who will pull the trigger cannot see it;
He thinks the boy that used me loves me.

What frustrates me is fact that the boy won’t tell the truth.
The boy that I blindly loved the ghost of his shadow;
He still wants to believe that he has a heart;
That it’s still there;
That it can be shattered;
If the trigger is released.
But it won’t.
Because there’s nothing left to break
And once the deed is done,
The only thing that will be destroyed
Is my brain.

I will become a memory,
For the ghost of the shadow of a boy that I fell in love with
To either cherish or forget;
But he is fabricated.
So the boy I thought I loved,
The one that was hidden from me,
Will completely forget me,
Because regret is not something
He will ever feel.

It's been a while
I know
I remember
It's just that time flies so fast
And somehow I lost myself
And my bearings
And my visions
These days I wake up and I forget to pray
My thoughts immediately flying to all the things that need to be done
Problems that need to be solved
But in the midst of it
It became too much
So I ran
And now I'm back

I missed you
You were my source of release
The lifter of these burdens
Did you miss me?
Did you miss hearing me whine?
About every little thing?
Did you miss the way I would twist my words until they sang a deliberate melody?
I hope you did
Cause I missed you
And hopefully I'm back for good.

Your texts brought with them
Little busts of joy
I'm sorry I acted so coy.
Reading those words;
"I love you"
Boosted my self-esteem.
If I could be loved by you,
Then I'm worthy to be loved.
But then you destroyed me,
And now I constantly seek love and approval
From sources that don't even matter to me.
And that *****!

There's a spirit softly whispering,
Into the hearts of all the people I love,
Convincing them to ignore me.

I've never felt more alone.

To be able to save someone,
When you need to be saved.
To help someone live,
Despite the suicidal thoughts in your brain.
That right there to me,
Is the true definition of strength.

He refused to leave
He was gone but still here
He haunted my thoughts
I still lived in fear
He would never return
But he never left
I would never hear his voice
But it’s still in my head
I still see him occupying the left side of my bed
I still see the broken smile and the mischief in his eyes
I still feel his fingernails crawling on my skin
Leaving his mark on me
Making me sick
With fear
With pain
I can still hear his voice screaming out my name
Making me feel ashamed
Bursting my heart into flames


He was a utilitarian
He believed what he felt he had to
He understood what he wanted to

He was a usurper
He took away my dreams
He stripped me of my high self-esteem

I gave him all I had
Unintentionally
His eyes enslaved me
My willpower nowhere around when he faced me

He made me weak
His megalomania affected me
Made me feel useless without him
And even now that he’s locked away
In a mental asylum a hundred miles away
He still has power over me

My home is still filled with his presence
My head still filled with the memories
Of him
And me

It should not be that way
But that’s exactly the way it is
No matter how hard I try
I can never be truly free from him
Or his hold on me.

I'm in the midst of people but it don't feel like it. I feel lonely because you're not here and I don't like it. When I need to talk to you most you're not there. I don't tell you how it feels because I know you wish you were here. I don't want to add to your burdens, I want to be your safe place. But I also need you beside me so all my insecurities will erase. I really need you but I'd never let you see, I know you need me too but for now you can't be with me. I don't know how long I can stay with these feelings of loneliness that build up when I can't talk to you for extended periods of time. But I hope it's long enough to see me through the tough times and till I can hold you in my arms.

Anger is not a strange emotion
It isn't foreign
It's familiar territory
To feel my blood boiling till my ecosystem is vibrating
From the adrenaline
Gotten from the feeling
This feeling that I'm used to
This feeling that helps me push
All the ones that care away
This anger that brings nothing beautiful
Only destruction and ashes.

You think this will be funny
But it's not
The title misleads
Might as well move on.
If you choose to stay
Then it's your choice
But remember I didn't promise
To make your jaw hurt.

Honesty!
What is this concept?
Does it mean saying what the other person wants to hear
Or...
Or saying what actually happened.
And if this thing called 'honesty' is a good thing,
Then why does it make me feel this way?

How can he not love me anymore?
How can he just walk out the door?
Like all this time means nothing
Like I was just a silly game to play.

I never promised this would be funny
But my life's a joke so
Let's toast.

Everything feels incomplete
Like one part just keeps going on repeat
Same old story told in different ways
Halfway in, that's where the story ends
It just feels like something's missing
I can't get the thought out of my head
Even when I thought we were finished
I still wait for replies from you
All day
All night
I try not to look desperate
And so I count
The seconds
The minutes
Until the ache becomes too strong to ignore
My heart is torn
We're growing apart
And I can't tell if this is the good or the bad part
Probably the good
Cause when you finally leave
It'll be much harder

21-06-2020
© R.S.A.

I felt broken even when you mended my heart
I felt unconnected even when you held me together
I never moved on and neither did you
I had soliloquies when I was right next to you
We both had holes in our hearts to fill
We both had vivid memories to ****
So we used each other
Without telling the other
I told you I loved you
And there was hesitance
In your text and mine
I said it cause I wanted to believe it
You eventually responded cause you didn't want to hurt my feelings
And we kept fooling ourselves until we couldn't anymore
I released all the rage I kept locked up
From the times when you'd ignore me for hours
From the times when you'd never answer my calls
From the times when you never said 'I love you' first
I gathered the courage to end it
Our little spoof
But you ended it before I could
And that was even more proof
That we'd been living a lie
For five godforsaken months
After that everything was the same
The only thing that changed was the name that came with the game
The title I used to ward off unwanted attention
And that was all you were useful for
You were a better man to me after we broke up than you were to me before
You went back to her but my heart was still broken
Atleast you got yours fixed
Atleast one of us was finally happy
I just wish I was happy too.

Words
They elude me
They make me beg my brain
For access to my own vocabulary
When they seem to go missing
It feels like my inner dictionary
Is closed and on holiday

I wished to always have words to say
I wish I could always put down my thoughts
To be able to see what goes through my mind
To be able to decipher how far I've gone with seeming normal

I wished for words
And then they came
For days on end
It was like being possessed by a friend
The words never ceased
And yet contrary to my rationals
The ache in my heart never eased
The main goal was to rid myself of this disease
Slowly eating up the depths of my soul

I decided to move on from words
They didn't seem to be helping
So I prayed for actions
To be able to show how hurt I was
How dead I felt
And to prevent another from drowning
In this mud pit that wouldn't let go

It worked
I found a stranger
With an inner struggle
He made a move
To trust me
I made a move
To care
And so we forged a friendship
And saved ourselves from death.

To whom it may concern
I've been hurt so many times
My heart has become a broken egg shell
All its essence poured out
I want to be puerile
But I've been forever changed
A line has been crossed
And I don't know if I can go back.

To whom it may concern
I want my heart to be whole again
I need someone to hold again
I want to feel strong and loved again
It seems like a feat too impossible to achieve
But I can't help but hope for it.

To whom it may concern
If you genuinely care
Then I need you to tell me and always be there
Let your words and actions towards me be fair
I've been through a lot
I've fallen down so many stairs.

To whom it may concern
You may grow to love me
If you eventually do please try to fix me
No matter how I difficult I am don't ever leave me
I promise when I'm better you'll love the real me.

Creativity flows through me
It bleeds from my words
Oozes from my actions
The way I walk
The way I move
The way every random thought I have comes together
To form a masterpiece like this one
Where writing a poem takes just a minute of my time
I write what I think and it doesn't have to rhyme

They say it'll be worth it
Even if it doesn't last
They say the good times
Will cover the bad
They say to just dive in
To not think about the depth
They say to just to take a leap
Despite what tomorrow may bring

But I'd rather not
I'd rather not do that
I'd rather not set my heart up
To be broken to shreds
I'd rather not let you in
Than to do that and later watch you leave
I'd rather stay isolated
So there'll be no memories to haunt me
To remind me of what I once had
Forever taunting me
Cause it can never be found again

So no
Even if they say
The pros outweigh the cons
I'd rather not have any at all.

To the one I love
That my words have hurt
I apologize
It's not my fault.
I probably didn't think them through
I honestly never meant them to
Be like knives to you
I'm sure the hurt you felt
Distinguished the light in your eyes
Even for a moment
And I sincerely apologize.
It's not something I tend to do
I don't derive pleasure from seeing you
Hurt and fragile
In denial
Fighting with your demons
With blank stares and glazed eyes.
I never meant to cause you pain
But I know I did
Cause something flashed in your eyes
The moment the words escaped my lips without a second thought
I recognize the hatred in your gaze
It made me sick.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not the perfevt woman,
But I'm the perfevt one for you,
I know you see it too.

You're not the perfevt man,
But you're the perfevt one for me,
You better believe it.

I know that I'm loved
But it's not so often that I feel so loved by those around me
I know that I'm loved
But there's just so many burdens and no one there to remind me
But today,
I knew it
I felt it
Something so tangible
I cried because of it
I laughed because of it
Long
Hard
It's like the whole year was set up for this day
Conveniently at the close of the year
Like a kind of mini-evaluation
That I gave my best when I could
I loved as hard as I should
I was there for people when it mattered
And my days were not time wasted on the flimsy distractions that life sets up for us.

Seeing those messages,
Despite the ardous task of replying them all
Didn't make me happy,
Oh no!
The word seems too simple
Too ephemeral to describe this
Seeing all those messages
Was like a reminder that I do matter
And the little things I do or say matters
That I'm loved for me, every version right till this moment
And every other version that follows till Christ comes
I'll stop here because this is getting too long
It's sounding more like a Taylor Swift song
Lol.

In all, I just wanted to thank you.
For being here, for knowing me
For showing love
I appreciate you❤️

Does it hurt?
Are you in pain?
Did it **** you to sight me with another man?
Are you jealous?
Are you mad?
If I got that reaction from you I'd be glad
'Cause you hurt me
I'm still in pain
It killed me to see you with another woman
I was jealous
I was mad
And I know from the start
That was your plan.

I was alone last night,
When the news came in.
My heart pounded,
I was excited.
My prayer had been answered -
One of them was.
I was filled with joy,
It overflowed -
With tears,
Laughter.
I was glad,
Nothing could spoil my mood.

But then comes another.
A knife stabbed in my heart.
I didn't want to see,
Didn't want to believe.
But ignorance can't be feigned,
When the truth has been seen.
I want to cry,
But the tears won't come.
All I feel is that pain,
While everything else is numb.

I found joy;
I found pain.
I gained a want;
I lost a friend.
The joy will pass;
He won't return again.
I'd like to not receive news again.

Open up your heart
Love is waiting
To get in...

He said he loves me
He really does
I know he does
And I love him too
But love is just not enough.

If you see my lover
Tell him that I didn't mean
To hurt him
Or break his heart
Or tear us apart
It's just one of those things
That happen
When you least expect it
When you're at your weakest
It was just a mistake
I regretted it.

If you see my lover
Tell him I'm ready to grovel
At his feet
Do whatever it takes
To make things right with him
It's hard to admit
But I can't tell
Where I start and he finishes
He is my everything.

It's funny how I love to hear the words;
When you say you love me,
My heart beats so fast - it's abnormal,
My smile gets so wide - it's illegal,
My mouth has to be covered so tight,
Cause saying "I love you" is a normal response to you.

It's funny how I love to hear the words;
But I can't say them back to you.
It's a promise that's too difficult to keep;
A commitment that I can't get trapped in;
And I'm sorry you have to suffer for my insecurities,
But I guess you should find consolation in the fact that it hurts me;
Cause that's the only gift I can currently give,
And that *****.

I can't believe you want me back
I've missed you.

Is love an illusion or is it real?
Are these just hormones or is it something supernal I feel?
Have I been fooled by the stories in books and on TV screens?
Or are they proof that love does exist.

I hid behind that mask again;
That makes me look human enough to be loved.
All that time I thought of;
How repulsed you'd be if;
You caught a glimpse of the real me.
The more you express your love,
The more my heart sinks;
My smile dampens;
My mind freezes.
Cause I can't help but panic as I think,
"I must be a great actor,
Cause you can't see what's beneath this."
What happens when the acting stops?
That will probably mean the end;
Because the mask you love is too hard to keep up,
And eventually it will come off.
The real me is undeserving of your love,
And truly that *****.

When the weirdest words awaken such a consciousness of the distance in between
When my mind suddenly remembers that it's been a million years already
When my heart aches
When my breath's unsteady
When my shoulders shake
And the tears keep coming
When the fear of not reaching you stops me from calling
When my prayers are boxes of deep, deep yearning

It's okay though
I'm not sad
I was
But not anymore
I'm lucky
I have you
You're here
I miss you
I need you
I love you
Carried everywhere
I want you
I'm happy
Soliloquizing
You're not here
You can't hear me
I can't hold you
Come close
I miss you
I feel incomplete.