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514 · Feb 2015
2013-Present
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
2013:
The year I graduated 8th grade
The year I went to my first real party
In 2013 I learned to braid

I told myself "Everyone leaves"
And I had my first crush.
Little did I know I was about to grieve.

2013 was the thanksgiving that I had my heart broken.
I thought I knew what hurt was
In 2013 my first real hurt was spoken

2014:
My teacher died
My church stepped down a little
My friend became a bride

I found my God.
I realized that life (love) isn't always easy
Yet every day I was awed

In May I had my best friend restored.
My heart was almost healed.
But even so, it was ignored.

I realized that everyone changes.
I decided I wanted to be a teacher.
I learned that life is not all about my own exchanges.

Present:**
Tears still fall.
Friends still leave
But all in all

I think I'm doing better
Than I was before.
I feel freed from my fetters.

My bonds that never left
That came back every day.
And I'm still bereft

Some people will stay.
This I have learned.
But I'm doing okay.
It's really sad that I only learned how to braid my hair for real like 3 years ago...
510 · Nov 2019
Breath Of My Own
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2019
You be my bones
I'll be your structure
You be my lungs
And I'll be your lover
There's nothing can take
What we've always had
I think of you night and day
510 · Jun 17
Eight, Six, Three, Five.
I was not raised by my sister's mother
Though the same woman raised she and me
I did not live with the same older brothers
Though we lived with the same older three

I was not cared for by the same father
As my sister had caring for her
The same person, he was, but I guess that's different
She had softness and I felt his burns.

I did not live in the same home as she
Though we both grew up on Fallow Street
I guess we're all changed by the parents we have
And more by the parents we meet

I did not have my sister's childhood
Hers seemed very soft to my eyes
While mine was a horror, tragic and bleak,
I fought very hard for my prize

My sister was raised in a different house
Different parents had she
We both grew up with the same people
But both had different families

As I got older, it took long to learn
That though we grew in the same mud,
My blood shared with her is thinner than water
For water is thicker than our blood.
The same two people raised my sister and I–JK and BK. We have the same brothers, P, N, and J. But I was raised with a mother who didn't understand me and a Father who didn't want to. She got the parents who had learned from raising me and decided to try harder with her. I got the brothers who should have protected me and all three failed to do so. She got the brothers who would have done anything for her. I love my family. I love who they are today and I am learning to love myself as well. But some days, it's so easy to remember how things were–they should have protected me. The five of them should have been my protection, but instead I had to learn to hide who I was and what horror lay beneath my smiling exterior because I had to protect myself since no one else would.
I love my family. I am fortunate to have three brothers who love me, a sister who is trying to love me, and parents who are trying to learn who I am now. It's just hard to remember my fortune when it's stained with the memories of the people I shouldn't have needed to mistrust. I should have been able to rely on them, and it still hurts no matter how much or how often I have forgiven them. I still remember.
508 · Nov 2019
YinYang
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2019
It was never about winning or losing
It was about seeing things the way they are
And learning to use them to work towards better things.
508 · Dec 2015
Steady Hands
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2015
One day I was wondering by
Was feeling like I could just cry
I looked at my hands
They shook from the glands
And a tear then escap-ed my eye

Steady hands, dear, hands steady
Ne'er say never, be ready
Listen, and don't speak,
Dance, my dear, and leap
Steady hands, dear, hands steady

I steadied them as I thought
My tears, I put back and fought
Whispered to myself
My fears on a shelf
Steady hands, dear, steady hands

Steady hands, dear, hands steady
Ne'er say never, be ready
Listen and don't speak
Dance, my dear and leap
Steady hands, dear, hands steady

I speak of experience
Worse luck I have not had since
Put on a brave face
Finish today's race
And tomorrow start it again

Steady hands, dear, hands steady
Ne'er say never, be ready
Listen and don't speak
Dance, my dear, and leap
Steady hands, dear, hands steady
When the waters are rough, put on a brave face, steady your hands, and finish the race. Tomorrow is a new day.
508 · Jun 2015
All This Time
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2015
When did I obtain
So much hurt
When did my heart
Feel like dirt

When did my voice
Become lies
So much of my pain
Hides inside

When was it okay
To speak lies
Deep inside my heart
My voice hides

What I want to say
I don't speak
I keep it away
Like a freak

I'm just so relieved
That you're here
Making sure I'm fine
Hope in my ear
To someone I hope I never lose. I love you so much. I don't know where I'd be without you. Thank you for always knowing when to bug me about what's wrong, and when to leave me alone for awhile. May God bless you and keep you. <3
505 · Feb 2015
Times
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I like the simple things.
The things like
Eating an apple with a knife
And jamming out to music
And the feeling of soapy warm water
On my hands when I wash dishes
And the sun coming through the window
And quiet walks on a starry night
And fresh chocolate chip cookies
And a clean house
And the smell of old books
And wearing my favorite shirt

There are times
When my heart sings
Because the sun
And because the moon
And because the stars
And the trees
And dirt
And light, and just
Life

But then there are the down times.
Those morbid
Menacing
Ugly
Angry
Sad
Upset
Unfair
Times
When nothing
Is good
And I can't
Seem
To
Breathe
Quite
Right.
In
Those
Times
There is only one thing I can do.

Remember the good times.
I am so happy today. The sun is shining, and if you ignore all the snow, you can almost pretend it's summer if you are sitting inside. I am listening to a good song, and wearing my favorite shirt, and my cousins will be here soon, and my hair looks nice today, and I am just really happy :)
505 · Apr 2016
Elect
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2016
The Lord loves each man
His hand has crafted still
And spends so much mercy
For those going downhill

And blessing after blessing
They refuse for fire
As loudly has he begs for them
To turn from death so dire

A wedding feast so bright
Awaits the other road
And yet with stubborn conflict
To fire they still go

Jesus cries "come near, come near"
But they still refuse
To accept the sweetness
His love will infuse

And as they walk yet farther
Down the broader road
His cries echo-quiet now
The devil's seeds are sown

And yet, a father, gracious
Though unwilling He afflicts
Will whisper sweet lullabies
His loved ones to transfix
504 · Aug 12
Chernobyl
After an iteration of lying silent,
Slowly breathing
In and out
Enduring a lifetime of suffocation,
Something is seen.
Amongst the ashes of what once existed
And along the edges of the things that used to grow,
Life begins again
A warmth and a green haze that belies
The reckless abandon
Of all that used to be.
The whisper of Hope begins
A hoarse and hollow voice
Folding in on itself
While it echos across the barren wasteland
Of old, storm-worn steps
That lead into the coming days.
I look up
At the ashes that still fall,
Settling at my shredded feet
In piles of gray
And despair.
But Hope's voice grows ever louder
Though it never rises above a mutter,
Weak and worn
From years of oppression.
My eyes land on a single shade of blue
That birthed the emerald Hope
Among the ashes of the past.
And in a swirling maelstrom of ephemeral understanding,
I can now see:
There will be music here again
It may be many an era before its strands
Pluck through the dust
Of the destruction wrought
But there will be music here again.
I'm getting bad again.
500 · Jul 2023
Salt In The Wound
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
My eyes hurt
From tears
And drink
And staying awake
And you
488 · Jul 2015
How You Helped
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2015
I was broken
I was crushed
I was hurt
I was rushed
You came up
Took my fright
Brought me back
To the light
You would never
Put me down
But when smashed
In the ground
You loved me more
Than I thought you could
Didn't leave
You just stood
Stood with me
Through it all
Helping me
To stand tall
You loved me
Through my tears
Can't repay you
Even with years
Thank you, dear
For loving me
How you helped
You cannot see
I know somehow
I'll find I way
All you've done
To repay
To my friend Grace. I love you so much, honey. Thank you for always loving me as nothing more or less than a friend.
485 · May 2015
Poetry
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
The who
Write it for yourself

The what
Write your life
Your love
Your hate
Your feelings

The why
Write because you want to
Not for the *trending
tag
Or the liked heart

The when
Write whenever you want
Whenever the emotions invading
Your
Mind
Are so strong that you just
Can't
Breathe anymore

The where
Write on walls
On the hearts
Of loved ones
On paper
On keys of a computer
On your arms
And
Legs
Anywhere words will fit
Poetry is not to be labeled,
So don't try.
Just write.
482 · May 2015
Photos
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
Every photo
Has a memory of its
Own to hold its hand
480 · Feb 2018
Hallelujah, what a King
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2018
A time will come when days are dark
Your lantern will not light a spark
The devil, then, will leave his mark
And night will sweep toward us

The darkness will blot out the light
And every hour will be as night
All of mankind will be a'fright
When the devil comes a'callin

But there is hope inside this tale
The sun will wipe away the vale
And then all wickedness will fail
We'll hear a brighter story

The Lord will come in chariots bright
He'll banish blackness, greet the light
His righteousness-oh what a sight
When He will come again

Like a warrior He will come
Into His loving arms we run
His brilliance is like the sun
He'll banish fear and sadness

The devil He will send away
In all His glorious bright array
We'll go to heaven where we'll stay
And live with Him forever

And when all things are said and done
And when the dark o'r takes the sun
upon the golden streets we'll run
And live with Him in glory

So take hope then, He's coming soon
To have the sun, wait out the moon
He sings a sweeter, richer tune
Hallelujah what a King
478 · Jun 2015
Why I Love Him
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2015
I love
My God
Because when I am upset
And depressed
And angry
Sinful
Sad
And a swirling
Swirling tornado
Of emotions

And I say to Him,
"God, save me, I'm drowning"
He saves me.

And when life is so dim that I can't
See
A foot in front of me
And I am falling fast
Through the dark
I can feel
Feel His arms
Bearing me up
Wrapping me up
In the most comforting
Life-giving
Hug imaginable.
I love my God. ^-^
472 · Apr 2015
Greatest
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2015
The greatest lie I've ever told:
I'm fine.

The greatest food I ever had:
boreg.

The greatest book I ever read:
I know why the angels dance by Bryan Davis

The greatest sin I have ever committed:
making someone like me

The greatest thing I ever said:
"it's okay to cry."

The greatest thing I ever did:
hold someone and tell them everything is alright.

The greatest moment in my life:
a car drive with two friends

The greatest thing I ever heard:
*"He who testifies to these things says 'yes, I am coming quickly.' Amen, come Lord Jesus"
462 · May 2019
One Track Heart
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
I know that leaving you was
For the best but God
Does it ache to be alone
My best friend of 20 years "broke up" with me. We've decided to not be best friends anymore. She has so many people to love her instead of me, but now I'm alone in this city, and I've never been like that in my life. I am afraid, and this hurts, and the only difference is that now I have no one to tell.
459 · Feb 2015
Underneath
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Underneath it is dark.
Underneath it is warm, but cold
Dark but bright
Heavy but light
Beautiful and hideous
Peaceful and chaotic
Safe but dangerous
What do I do?
I love my home underneath,
But
I
Need
To
Leave.
It’s too dangerous here.
459 · Feb 2015
Night Time
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Can't think of any-
thing to write on this cold night
What then shall I do?
453 · May 2015
Poem of Me
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
If I were to write
A poem of me
Would be dark as night
And bright as the sea

If I were to write
A poem myself,
I'd compare my heart
To an empty shelf.

Nothing to speak of
As far as stories go
When it comes to love life,
I've nothing there to show.

If I were to write
A poem of my life
I would talk of hurt
Of anger and of strife.

But there's one more thing
I would write about
If I gave myself
A heart-felt shout out

If I were to write
A poem about me
I would write of love
Not something you can see

I have been so loved
Throughout my whole life
That sometimes it even
Outdoes all the strife.

The love of God, my father
Is greater even still
Than any of the anger
That echoes Satan's will.

When my heart has fallen
And I can't get back up
He sets me on my way again
He overflows my cup

So if I were to write
A poem about me
I'd write of love unbounding
Dark and shining like the sea.
The meter isn't quite what I would like it to be, but it came from my heart.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
450 · Dec 2015
Lullaby Goodnight
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2015
There's a place where there is peace
You are with me there
Rest, my child, and find your own
Leave your cares

Rest, my dear, and find your sleep
Underneath the trees
Birds will roost, and be content
Rest my dear

There's a song that's coming here
Runs into my ears
Gives me laughter in my heart
Dries my salty tears

Meet me there, my restless child
Close your sleepy eyes
There's a place where we will meet
Underneath the skies

Sink so deep into the earth
Where the grass will grow
And your weary sighs will plant
Flowers in the snow

There's a song that I have heard
Long into the breeze
Sing it with me now, my child
Underneath the trees

Meet me there
Meet me there
Rest your weary eyes, my child
And meet me there

Lullaby goodnight, my child
Do what you do best
Find the place where sparrows roost
Find the place of rest
A lullaby I wrote for a kid I help take care of.
448 · Feb 2017
The truth of my Condition
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2017
I want to be alone, but not lonely.
I want to talk, but I don't want anyone to hear me.
I want to cry, but do so silently.
I want someone to ask me what's wrong, but I don't want anyone to know.
I'm too tired to move, but I can't sleep
I want to tell someone, but I can't put it into words.
I want to eat, but food sickens me.
I want to leave this place, but I want to stay where it's familiar and safe.
I want to feel something, but all I feel is numbness.
445 · Feb 2015
Him
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Him
Mondays are hard.
He only wants me for my body-
For the way I was made
But he also wants me
To perform
For him.
I can never understand
What he wants from me.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Tuesdays are light.
He looks at me like I am the only thing
In the world
The only person.
He holds me tight
And tells me he loves me
Without hurting me.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Wednesdays are long.
He has had a
Long day
Of work
And dealing with his boss.
He will let me hold him
And rock him to sleep,
Brushing my cold fingers across his sweaty back
While he falls into a slumber

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Thursdays he is happy.
He gets to see his
Delinquent mother
And visits his
Abusive father in jail
Only to spit in his face every time
And tell him he hates him.
I don't get it.
My faith wanes more every day.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Fridays are better.
He doesn't think about
Anything but me
We go out together
Holding hands
In dark
Theater
Seats
While we share popcorn
And memories.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Saturdays are terrible.
He drinks
And
Drinks
And
Drinks
Until he's not the same
Person he was
On Friday.
I don't get it.
Why can't he just love me?
He hurts me
And beats me
Bruises
Everywhere.
Hidden, but there.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Sundays are amazing...and awful.
He is gone.
I can bask in the back row of the church
Singing with my fellow Christians,
Praying with them
Not thinking about him
Loving my God
But at the same time
I know
That in a few hours,
I will have to go back to him.
To his anger
His rage.
And tomorrow,
It will all start again.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.
I love him but I hate him.
It just kind of popped into my head, but I actually really like it.
445 · Jan 2022
Ivy
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2022
Ivy
Hush little darling, don't you cry
I know you have fiery skies
Bad times now and more to come
Save your tears now, little one

Hush little baby don't you cry
It is raining hard tonight
Peace will come when sun doth rise
Listen to my lullabies

Hear my voice and lull to sleep
Pray the Lord your soul to keep
Hush little baby don't you cry

*Everything's gonna be alright
There's a picture in my head of a mother with her child. Bombs light up against the dark, starless, rainy sky. She clutches her baby to her, attempting to soothe the child with this song and stave off both their fear as everything falls around them.

*credit to whoever wrote the original "Hush little baby".  This is only my revised version. :)
440 · Jan 2017
Untitled 30
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2017
It's so unfair
So incredibly unfair
So unfortunately rediculously, messed-up unfair
That you
Of all people you
Get to live the life
I should have
You get to be happy
You get to be loved
You get to have no worries
When you're the one who left
You left me in pieces
With no one
No one to put me back together
436 · May 2015
A Body Of Pain
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
Eyes
Crying
Lips
Screaming
"What will I do?"

Heart
Breaking
Mind
Freaking
"Oh, I miss you"

Chest
Tightening
Stomach
Lurching
"Why does ot hurt?"

Heart
Not beating
Lungs
Not breathing
"I think I'm done with this part."
I'm so tired of being hurt by the people I love the most. Dear God, please make it stop.
435 · Jun 2015
What Can I Do
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2015
I wish
With all my heart
That I could talk to you.

But I promised.
I was stupid
And I promised I wouldn't.

So now
So late at night
Darkness seeping in through my window
When I need you
To
Speak
To me

What can I do?
What can I do when I need you?
Just something I thought up. Writing a short story, and thought this applied a bit. :P
433 · Sep 2018
Ghosts of the Past
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2018
I want to write a poem
But I cannot find the words
They're stuck in my throat
Caught in my mind
Tangled in my soul
How do I say that I am alone
So alone
Even though I'm surrounded
By voices
Excited
And vibrating with energy
How do I explain
In soft, genuine letters
That my soul is torn apart
Riven in two
Broken
Not my heart, my soul
It hurts to breathe
Because it's all in my chest
Building up
Like tears
Breaking in waves across my cheeks
How can I express
That the pain
Hidden in my smiles
Is so wrenching
And horrible
And lonely
That I can't take it
I miss someone
So much
But
******
I don't know who I miss
433 · Apr 2019
Spread Your Wings
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019
It's okay to be
Broken
Lonely
Insane
And fantastical
Just keep slaying your dragons
Be whoever you want to be, it's okay to ***** up, and hurt, it's okay to be broken, but whatever you do, protect your heart from the monsters, and never let them convince you that they didn't hurt you when they did.
432 · Apr 2016
The Lord Is My Portion
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2016
Are we lost?
He will find us
Be we sinful?
He will forgive
Are we lonely?
He will stay
Are we hellbound?
He will save
Be we unrighteous?
He will provide
Are we unfaithful?
He will cleanse
Are we sorrowful?
He will wipe our tears
Be we fearful?
He will protect
Are we poor?
He will give
Are we eternal?
He will NEVER forsake
428 · Mar 2015
Anything for you
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I'd die for you
Because
I'd die without you.
423 · May 2015
Someday
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
Someday
You'll go away.

With a wave of your hand,
Your feet'll touch sand
And you'll leave.

Someday
You'll go away

With your wife and your kids
And your life packed on skids
You'll leave me behind.

Someday
You'll go away

And without a goodbye
You'll leave, and I'll sigh.
I'll have no one left.

Someday
You'll go away

And I won't even know
It's the last time you'll show
I won't see you again

Someday
You'll go away

And that hug I gave you
Will be the last, God save you
That I give

Someday
You'll go away

And I'll be out of your life
"Whatever," you say, "less strife"
But I still love you.

Someday
You'll go away

And though I'll want you to stay
Once and for all, you'll go away
Leaving me without a say.

One day
Your life will pass

Right through my own
And roll like a stone
Down the hill of life.

One day
You'll go away

I know it's coming-coming soon
Like the coming of the moon
And then, you'll be lost.
To D: I know that you seem too good to be true, and things that seem that way usually are. I love you like a brother, but one day you'll leave me behind, and all I'll be to you is a (hopefully fond) memory.
420 · Feb 2015
All Things Well
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
When the world seemed to drown,
I would call on my God.
The rain-it seemed-came down and down.
I hid in my abode.

My sin-it was a cloak
I used to hide away.
I distanced me from other folk
And got worse every day.

But then I heard a voice.
It whispered through the rain
It drew me near without a choice.
Said “you won’t be hurt again.”

It said to me, “My child,
Your sin is for the past.
Your chains are gone, so sing a song:
For you are free at last.”

When I’ve done my faithful part,
And all the world doth swell,
I know this now with all my heart:
My God does all things well.

And hence forever more,
I’ll reach the golden shore.
And then, at last, my Lord will pass
And love me nothing for.

Then, joy shall reign again.
We’ll see the face of God.
No sin, no loss, no pain, just cross.
And love shall come, my friend.

My sin-it was a cloak.
I used to hide away.
But now I sing to other folk
“When God found me that day”
419 · Aug 2015
Feel
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2015
I love you more
Than day is long
But what I feel
It seems so wrong

Because you love
One of my friends
And still this pain
Will never end

Instead I have
To sit here and
Just feel my heart
Break and bend

I wish that I
Could hate you, sir
But for this love
There is no cure

Yes, only time
Can mend this thing
So linger I
To hope clinging
If I were to give you one superpower, it would be to let you see me through the eyes I see you. Maybe then you would understand.
417 · Jul 2018
Younger Days
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2018
You ask me who I'm missing
And I don't know how to say
That the one who I'm remembering
Is the me from younger days
I thought for a time that I missed the ones I used to be friends with, but I  don't. I miss the person who I used to be-the one who laughed louder, and had more friends, and who prayed more often. I miss the person who was happy, and who spent her days in the sun, reading books in the sunshine, laughing with her loved ones, hair blowing in the wind, windows down, music up, I miss that girl. And ****** I don't know how to get her back.
415 · Feb 2015
The Cry of a Back-Stager
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I can't ask God for the pain to cease
To cleanse this grief within
Because for some reason it makes me
Atone for all my sin.

I cry and sob the pain away
Wishing it to be gone
But the one thing I can never do
Is cry and sob to God.

Surely I know He's there for me
I surely know He cares
He listens when I cry out to Him
He answers all my prayers

This surely is a killing pain
That lingers deep within
But there's nothing I can do-it seems-
To slay this awful sin.

I hate the pain that plagues my life
I want it to be gone
Still I know that I must have it
To sing my mournful song.
413 · Aug 2015
The thing about love
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2015
You can't draw misery
Like you can draw a house
You can't draw pain
Like you can draw a mouse.

You can't draw hurt
Like you can draw rain
You can't draw crazy
Like you can draw sane.

You can't draw tears
And you can't draw sorrow
But if you need a model,
Here's a heart that you can borrow.

You can't draw scars
Like you can draw perfection
*** unlike flawless,
"Ugly's an infection."

The thing about love
Is it heals every hurt
And sometimes it gets better
Even when it feels worse

The thing about love
Is there's someone to share
All of your hopes,
Your hurts and your cares.

The thing about love
Is if it's true, it lasts
It pulls you back together
Like an arm in a cast.
Check out my blog. Wonderingatthisworld.blogspot.com :)
412 · Sep 2018
Sinking
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2018
You can only bow down
If you are first brought down to your knees
God sends us trials so that in our sorrow and despair, we might reach up to Him, and remember His mercy and grace.
411 · Mar 2015
Editing
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I love editing.
Have I said that yet?
I love practically hearing
The scenes
And the words
That zip
Through my mind
Like arrows
From the bow
Of an Indian.
I love feeling like I am doing something.
I love editing, have I said that yet?
Well, I'm saying it again.
Stories, novels, poems...
I love it all.
I really love editing. :) Especially my own work, but also other people's :)
406 · Jan 2016
I Miss
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2016
I miss your smile
I miss your laugh
I miss your lips
I miss your hands
I miss your eyes
I miss your cheeks
I miss our time
I miss our weeks
I miss your house
I miss your friends
I miss your hugs
But it all ends

I miss your love
I miss your face
But you said you
Needed space

I miss your texts
I miss the mornings
But what I really miss
Is how much you
Used to love me

Because I didn't think
Of all things
That that was a lie
Too
405 · Jan 2021
Eggshells
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2021
I'm a bit fragmented
Warded up
With layers
Of
Stay-aways
A whisper of
"Don't get too close"
I'm a little too-easily broken
None too strong
All I need
Is a little warmth
And maybe I'll begin to grow
If only
I could trust
That someone else
Will handle me gently
If only this shell
Weren't made of glass
I might not shatter
Under the weight
Of all the "maybes"
Dripping into my ears
But every atom
Has a breaking point
You simply need to know
From what height
It must be dropped
Not my best work, I'm not my best self. Today I just feel... Sad?... overwhelmed?...Worthless? I cannot find the word, but I know I feel broken and I feel there is no one to glue me back together.
403 · Jul 2017
I Confess
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2017
I confess
I am ugly
I confess
I am broken
I confess
I have a heart of stone
I confess
I am a sinner
I confess
I am helpless
I confess
I am hopeless
I confess
I am unworthy
I confess
I am prideful
I confess
I am hateful
I confess
I need a Savior
I confess
I am weak
I confess
I am weary
I confess
I am dead
I confess
I am a prisoner

But ugly
Broken
Stone-hearted
Sinning
Helpless
Hopeless
Unworthy
Prid­eful
Hateful
Savior-needing
Weak
Weary
Dead
Prisoner
That I am,

He took me
And made me
Beautiful
Whole
Flesh-hearted
Perfect
Helpful
Hopeful
Worthy
H­umble
Loving
Savior-needing
Strong
Awake
Alive
And free

And that is a debt
I can never
Will never
Ever
Repay

But I don't need to-
He paid it for me

And now
Now
Now
I am free.
402 · May 2015
Untitled 11
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
And just like a glow stick
You snapped me in half
And all the light poured out.
Now I'm just an empty shell.
402 · Mar 2015
Sometimes
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
It's odd.
Sometimes I can write
Like for hours and hours.
I can't seem to write enough.

And other times,
I can't figure out why the words
I write down
Won't sound right.
401 · Aug 2023
Gemstone
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023
How is it that we can be so gentle
And protective of others
While being so harsh
And violent with ourselves?
400 · Apr 2016
Strings Of Fate
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2016
I believe that everyone is
Brought together here
For a bigger reason than to
Exist and be near

I believe that what happened is
Part of both our fates
But that maybe somehow we are
In each other's pasts

They tell me that I need to teach
Him that no means no
But they do not understand in
My mind it's my fault

I don't feel like it was him who
Chose to break away
No, in fact he was the one who
Wanted me to stay

I asked him to please refrain but
He ignored my pleas
I feel like it's not a reason
To get up and leave

I don't know what I should do, should
I return to him
Or should I prove that no means no
Resist; not give in

Did it make him in the wrong when
He ignored my wish
Or was it just some silly thing
To check off my list?

I wish I could see the way of
What I'm meant to do
If our strings are broken now, and
Severed back in two

Or if God has a plan for us for
Better or for bad
But, I choose to trust in him and
To trust in his plan
396 · May 2015
To Love
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
To love
Is to expose yourself
Wholeheartedly
To heartbreak.

To bring someone into your heart
And trust them
Not to rip it to shreds.

To reserve a little space
In your mind and thoughts
For that human being
Who impressed you
Told you they
Loved you
Showed you affection.

Destruction is

For that person
To say they never liked you
For them to take
Your exposure
And abuse it.

Even though you trusted them
And brought them into you like
A counterpart
Of your heart
They rip you to shreds inside.

They take that reserved parking spot
That you cleared for them
And they graffiti it,
And burn it up
And then leave

Leave you a trembling
Crying mess
Who just wants to know what they did
Wrong.
And when you finally find out,
Its not good enough

Because even though the reason
Is not a real reason
They still hurt you
And you can't hate them

Because inside, you are cleaning up that
Graffiti they drew
And those scorch marks they burned
And you just
Can't
Hate them.
You can't.

Because despite everything,
You are still holding out hope that
They might come back
And apologize.
For the first time in my life, I don't want anyone to ask me what's wrong. I just want to pretend that none of it happened-that it was all a bad dream. But every morning, I know I will wake up and remember it really happened.
God help me.
393 · Oct 2023
Delusions of Safety
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023
I finally opened up
After all your prying
And you still didn't understand
How hard that was for me to do.
When you've been through trauma especially at the hands of someone close to you, you find that your trust is broken and hard to reassemble for anyone. And when you finally get the courage to speak, all you want to do is tell them how hard it was for you to say.
393 · Sep 2015
The End
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2015
It all just keeps getting
Worse
And
Worse
Because the people who said
They'd never leave me
Think I'm weird for being so sad.

I poison all the happy people with
My sadness
I'm sorry if my depression is upsetting to you, but it's scary as hell to me, so please help me or leave me alone.
392 · Jun 2015
What To Do
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2015
When confusion's my companion
When fear reaches into my heart
When I just want to cry

Like I did today

I only let the tears in for a split second.

Then I crank music
As loud as can be
Singing God's praises

And I bring back the dancing-the ballet
I learned as a child.

I danced around the kitchen
Losing myself in the happiness of Grace
Thank you, Lord for music. Of all the places to lose myself in, I would rather it be dancing and singing than weeping and hurting.
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