Oct 13 · 47
Untitled 39

All I need
Is someone
Who understands
Why I ask if they hate me.

Oct 13 · 36
Everything Has Changed

I used to look forward
To nights like this
With every laugh
I felt joy
With every smile
I was content
With every thought
I was confident
But now
It's different
With every song
I'm nervous
With every movement
I'm self-conscious
With every comment
I am uncomfortable
We may try
To go back
But it's not
The same
And everything
Is different
Everything
Has changed

Oct 13 · 27
Untitled 38

Everyone is happy
To accommodate you
When you are young
"She has some problems"
"She'll grow out of it"

But they don't tell you
When you're older
You have to figure it out on your own
On your own

Oct 11 · 30
2AM
2AM

2AM is the devil's hour
It is then that your sleep slips away
Like the sun gives way to moon
And it is then that your demons
Come out to play.

Oct 8 · 38
The Irony of Death

She tried to show the cracks
That lay ridden in her heart
To show the bleeding veins within
Before she fell apart

She tried one time to tell them
But they didn't understand
The hell that she was going through
Was getting out of hand

They didn't think to ask her
Until it was too late
They'd lost their chance too heal the cracks
She'd been crushed from all the weight

So when it finally ended
It came as quite a shock
They asked and cried and wondered why
she never tried to talk

But oh the irony of death
For people never say
How much they really love you
Until you've gone away

Sep 22 · 75
One day-someday

One day it will be over
One day the pain will stop
One day with every breath I take
My heart and soul won't drop

One day I'll breathe again
With ease I'll find my sleep
One day our trials will go away
We'll finally get some peace

One day these walls won't know my tears
As well as they do now
But here I'm barely staying here
I'm trying not to drown

We're held back by hard "what ifs"
And chained by cold "somedays"
If I can say anything, it's that
One day we'll be okay

This won't last forever. One day He will come and we will ride on chariots of pure light and know nothing but bliss for eternity.
Sep 17 · 50
Demons Don't Sleep

Some turn to drink
And some turn to grass
We all turn to things
That we know will not last

But oh my beloved
Remember always
We all have our demons
That won't go away

Sep 13 · 52
Who we are

We are all
Just broken souls
Learning to love ourselves
One
Day
At a time

Sep 3 · 68
The Way We Were

I miss the way things used to be
I miss the way we were
I miss the love I felt all day
And how I felt so sure

I miss the way we'd fellowship
Sing and talk late at night
I miss the way we were together
Fighting the good fight

I miss the laughter that we shared
And all the bitter tears
And how it felt that all that stuff
Would last for years and years

I miss all of the time we spent
Learning more and more
Of nooks and crannies we had found
In our hearts and souls

I hope we come again one day
To where we used to be
Where we can talk and sing again
Of where we long to see.

Aug 26 · 248
Nights Like This

Even with all the hardship
The heartbreak
The death
The lies
And evil of this world,
There is still some good.
There is still the moon reflecting off dark water
There is still birds singing in the sun
There are still nights like tonight
And it's nights like this,
With the window open to the cold air
The stars and moon shining
The violin crickets
Good music
And old friends
That make all the sorrows
Of this world
Worth it

We will survive together.
Aug 19 · 67
The Words I Would Say

If I could tell you anything
If any words could fall from my lips
And slip into your ears
I would say
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that even though
You are so blissfully
Beautifully happy
I can't be happy for you
I'm sorry
Because right now
I'm so unhappy with myself
That it's hard for me
To be happy for anyone else

Aug 18 · 56
Fall

It's fall
And the trees are changing
Daintily dropping their leaves
To the grateful ground
Wind whispering through their branches

It's fall
And the rain is pelting
Perfect
Against my window
Inviting me to stay inside
With hot tea
And a good book

It's fall
And the smells are enchanting
Cinnamon
Pumpkin
Wet grass after a long storm

It's fall
And I'm wearing sweatpants
Giant sweaters
And long socks
Warming my feet by the fire

It's fall
And the cool wind
Rushes through my hazel hair
Laughing
And tossing itself about my
Face

It's fall
And squirrels are everywhere
Hiding food
And chattering
To each other
Across the trees

It's fall
And my bed is inviting
Warm,
Cozy,
Safe,

It's fall
And I want to lose myself
In a good book
A fire
And myself

It's fall
And I feel at peace

Summer is overrated.
Aug 15 · 64
8WP
8WP

We're all still learning
To love ourselves

Aug 13 · 65
Untitled 37

I Hopeless sinner
Have been made
A Hopeful saint

Aug 13 · 121
Darling, Oh my Darling

I am not in love with you
The way you are with him
I don't get butterflies
And goosebumps on my skin
I don't want to touch you
I'm not haunted by the might-have-beens
But darling, oh my darling,
I love you

I don't want to share our beds
In dark hotels at night
I just want to watch the stars
And hold you oh so tight
I don't want to kiss you
I just want to give you my whole life
And darling, oh my darling
I love you

I love how your lashes sweep
Over your sleepy eyes
I just think you're more lovely
Than all the sweeping skies
You don't have to love me
I just wish there was a compromise
Cus darling, oh my darling
I love you

I love you as I love myself
And often even more
If I am every ocean wave,
Then you must be the shore
There's something in your eyes
I just love the way I am done for
And darling, oh my darling,
I love you

My best friend, I adore you
And yet, you adore him
He is the lover of your life
And I am just a friend
I don't want you to leave him
I just want you to let me in
Cus darling, oh my darling,
I love you

And when one day you remember
The days when we were forever
Darling, oh my darling,
I'll still love you

Aug 6 · 133
Just As I Am

Just as I am
Poor wandering soul
Where I am broken
You are whole
And where I'm lead
Is in your control
Oh lamb of God I come, I come

Just as I am
My heart is yours
And into your well
My love is poured
And life forever
I'm assured
Oh Lamb of God I come, I come

Just as I am
You love me still
And when death comes,
It is your will
But by my God,
Stand by, I will
Oh Lamb of God I come, I come

Just as I am
Your love is more
Than any I have felt before
And when I reach the golden shore,
We'll sing "Lamb of God I come, I come"

My own addition to "Just as I am without one plea"
Aug 1 · 58
Untitled 36

My day is no longer
One moment to the next
One hour to the next
One smile to the next

Instead it is
One dosage to the next
One pill to the next
One health issues to the next

And for all of the effort
I put into remembering
My pills
I'm not living anymore
I am only existing

Jul 30 · 96
Daughter of Christ

I
Sinner
Saved
Am a subject
Of an Intrusion of light

Jul 30 · 85
Untitled 35

Be near to me
Oh Lord,
I pray,
For I am sore downtrodden

Jul 30 · 99
I come

I feel your absence
Be present in me
So I may be present in you

Jul 23 · 133
Untitled 34

They say Time heals all wounds
But it's been years
And look at me
I'm still broken

Jul 22 · 69
Promises, Promises

I can't promise many things
A country house
Wedding rings

I can't promise all that much
To love you forever
Or to bring you stuff

I can't promise you the sky
Or to be your friend
Or to never lie

I can't promise you'll be the first
To hear my doubts
Or heal your hurt

I can't promise I'll always be there
To give you comfort
Or secrets to share

I can't promise I'm not a mess
But I can promise I'll do my best.

I can't promise to fix all of your problems, but I can promise you that you won't have to face them alone.
Jul 20 · 67
Monsters

Do not fear the monsters, child
Underneath your bed
The real monsters-they walk about
And live inside your head.

Based on something I read that said "There's no such thing as monsters, only humans."
Jul 18 · 68
Something I Heard

If I can't catch you when you fall,
I can damn well make sure you land safely.

Jul 17 · 61
Mother

There is a woman that I know
She cares for me-she does
Reminds me of the better days
And greater ones to come
She moves with elegence and grace
And beauty like no other
"Who is this woman?", you may ask
This woman is my mother.

To my best friend, my caretaker, and the most beautiful woman I know. ❤
Jul 16 · 55
Untitled 33

He does love us
He does hear us
He does know us
He does hear our cry

But He is not held
By the standards
Of what we believe is good
He has His own standards
To which we
Sinners
Creation
Must adhere.

"He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the sons of man."

Jul 16 · 111
Untitled 32

We are all
Like Simon-Peter
Sinking below the waves
And we are so
So close
To safety
If only we take the hand of our
Savior.

Jul 16 · 95
I Came Not

He came not for the wealthy, but poor
He came not for the healthy, but sore
For we're wealthy in Christ,
And healthy in life
And the road bound for sin is no more.

"I did not come for the healthy, but for the sick."
Jul 16 · 140
I Confess

I confess
I am ugly
I confess
I am broken
I confess
I have a heart of stone
I confess
I am a sinner
I confess
I am helpless
I confess
I am hopeless
I confess
I am unworthy
I confess
I am prideful
I confess
I am hateful
I confess
I need a Savior
I confess
I am weak
I confess
I am weary
I confess
I am dead
I confess
I am a prisoner

But ugly
Broken
Stone-hearted
Sinning
Helpless
Hopeless
Unworthy
Prid­eful
Hateful
Savior-needing
Weak
Weary
Dead
Prisoner
That I am,

He took me
And made me
Beautiful
Whole
Flesh-hearted
Perfect
Helpful
Hopeful
Worthy
H­umble
Loving
Savior-needing
Strong
Awake
Alive
And free

And that is a debt
I can never
Will never
Ever
Repay

But I don't need to-
He paid it for me

And now
Now
Now
I am free.

Jul 7 · 96
The Prayer of a Saint

I cannot walk alone
Upon the narrow road
So Jesus, guide me still
If it be your will

Jul 7 · 481
Prayer For Deliverence

Let me hear your lovingkindness in the morning
Let me taste your goodwill in the evening

For I trust in you
I trust you with all that I am
I trust you when I awake
And when I lie down

Teach me the way in which I should walk
I cannot walk alone
Without your help
Without your hands

For to you I lift my soul
I give my heart
I give my soul
I give me life
To you
To the one who has saved me
Time and again

Let me hear your lovingkindness in the morning
For I trust in you
Teach me the way in which I should walk
For to you I lift up my soul

Based on Psalm 143:8

I love the memories
We made together
I can still feel your warm hand
On my shoulder
As I sat by a fire
Staring at its flickering
Fingers

I miss the good times
I remember when you
Scolded someone
Because "You never ask a woman for her weight"

I remember
Leaning my head on your shoulder
As you drove me home
After a long night
Alone in the silence
Only a dark road in front of us

And I miss
Your long hugs
And your bright smiles
And your conversation
And your greetings
And your jokes
And your family

And I miss you
I miss you so much

But alas, we have changed
The good times are gone
And we are now
Alone
We may have been soul mates
Once
But now
We are just ships
Lonely ships
Passing in the long, lonely night.

Jun 22 · 152
Pray

Pray
Pray even if you don't speak out loud
Even if you've never prayed before
Even if all you do is say "Thank you"
Even if you fall down on your knees
Begging for peace

Pray
Pray even if you can't feel Him near
Even if He hasn't spoken back
Even if all you do is let tears fall
Even if you raise up your hands to Him
And ask forgiveness

Pray
Pray even if you haven't seen Him
Even if you haven't felt His hand
Even if  you scream in anger
Even if you have lost all your strength
And any hope

Pray
Pray even if you have nothing left
Even if you have been hurt badly
Even if you think He hates you
Even if you don't think He hears you
He will listen

Just speak to Him

We have a great creator who is always ready and willing to listen to our prayers, and all He wants is for us to speak to Him.
Jun 20 · 234
Night Shift

Daytime
I can do daytime
I can go to work, and go shopping
I can go to dinner with an old friend
I can get dressed up and spend money till the cows come home
But nighttime
Nighttime is different
I can't do nighttime
That's when the demons come
They hunt me
Haunt me
Tell me lies
They tell me everything I believe
Everything I ever have believed
Is wrong
They tell me it's a hoax
And that's what I can't take:
All the noise
All this damn noise
It never leaves my head
It's like a thunderstorm
In my mind
Like a light switch
And damnit
I can't
Turn
It
Off

Jun 18 · 250
Everyday Life

I'm sick of being sick
I'm sick of feeling pain
I'm sick of all the heartache
That I feel from day to day

I'm tired of doing nothing
I'm tired of being ill
I'm tired of all the answers
Being one more nasty pill

I'm tired of the physicians
I'm tired of All their "cures"
I'm tired of staying up all night
Just trying to wipe my tears

I'm done with being tired
I'm done with being sick
I'm done with all the doctors
Thinking I'm so thick

I know I'm just a patient
Another one to diagnose
I know I'm just a person
Shoving more pills down my throat

I feel like I am fading
I feel like I am dead
Like everyday is just more hours
Filled with blinding dread

I wish it could be over
I wish I could be done
I wish in place of all the cold
That I could feel the sun

God, I want to go home now
Can't do this anymore
I want to fold within your arms
Upon the golden shore

How long will you leave me here
A ghost within a cloud
How long will you keep me
Amongst the noisy, painful loud?

Sharp pain climbs up my bones
And clutches at my skin
My favorite part of every day
Is finally giving in

Someone tell me good things
That it will be over soon
And soon my bones will rest in dirt
Beneath the quiet moon

I am so sick of being the person who takes 27 prescription pills a day. I'm sick of every medical professional telling me that each new pill will work.
Jun 17 · 399
Alone Again

I am alone again
I knew that this would come
I saw it from afar
A bullet from a gun

Now I'm left here bleeding
No one to save me now
No one to give me stitches
Or wipe sweat from my brow

I am alone again
I feel it in my soul
I feel it in my heart
The loneliness is cold

I feel it in my heartbeat
It pumps within my veins
I want it to get out of me
I just want to be sane

And now I'm left again
With these red stains on my wrists
The bands of pain apparent
A touch of deadly bliss

I am alone again
And no one else can see
That though I am surrounded,
There's no one here with me.

Being alone with one's thoughts can be more dangerous than someone holding a gun to your head, because at least there's someone there to stop them.

I am a depressed, anxious insomniac who has never to her memory gone an entire day without being in physical pain. I am a migraine-afflicted, allergy-suffering, chronic-pain-having, fibromyalgia-surviving, lonely beast in search of someone bright enough to give what is left of my heart to. But like a phoenix, I am risen from the ashes day after day, sustained by the belief-the faith that one day I will be taken away from this agony, and never again will I feel the pain I do now. I survive only by the hand of an almighty God, who has promised perfect peace if I only speak to Him day by day.

"They will insult you, hurt you, defeat you, betray you, injure you, set you aflame and watch you burn. But they will not, shall not, cannot destroy you. Because you, like Rome, we're built on ashes, and you, like a phoenix know how to rise and resurrect."

When I feel you've forgotten me
And life seems to drag me down,
I bury my face in the things you've touched,
And inhale like I'm about to drown.

To someone I used to know
Jun 6 · 95
Untitled 31

It feels like my existence is one prescribed pill dosage to the next.

May 27 · 100
Better

So here's goodbye to better days
When friends were not so far away.

May 17 · 102
12WP

18 years seems so short
When I'm losing you so fast.

May 8 · 148
Best Friend Forever

I'm good-ish with words,
so I'll use them to say
That you're​ my best friend
In every single way.
You make me smile,
And tow me around
And you laugh at me
When I fall to the ground

But I guess it's okay,
That's what best friends do
And I have to say,
You are my muse,
You're my inspiration
The thoughts in my head
I pray for you daily
when I go to bed

You've been there for me,
I've been there for you,
We've argued and fought,
But we made it through.
God gave me your smile,
He gave me your laugh
He gave me your love, and
We never looked back.

I don't know too much,
But this much, I do,
I don't want to live
in a world without you.
God gave me your hugs
And your friendship to treasure
And this much I know:
I'll love you forever.

So here's to the laughs
And here's to the pain
Here's to the sun
And here's to the rain,
Here's to the smiles
On both our faces
Here's to the miles
In all of life's races

And here's to the God
Who pushed us together
Forming a bond
That will never sever
And here's to you,
Dearest of hearts
Here's to the ends
And here's to the starts

Here's to the coffees,
The rough, and the tough
The time I spend with you
Is never enough
Here's to a future
With you and with me,
I don't know what will happen
But I can't wait to see.

So here's to the loveliest,
The dearest and best,
Here's to the Skype calls
And getting no rest
I love you more than
All these words can say,
But here's to the love
That will always stay.

I love you, my unicorn-mermaid-panda-poop-face-loving-superhero best friend. Here's to many more years of mischief.
Apr 20 · 605
Japanese Garden

The way the water
Laps up against the rock face
Sings songs to my soul.

Mar 31 · 585
Beautiful Things

These are some beautiful things:
A baby's first smile,
A bird in the wild,
A bride on the aisle,
A love that's worthwhile,

Warm wind in the trees,
The salt in the seas,
The buzz of spring bees,
Winter's first freeze,

A loved one's laugh,
A child's handmade craft,
An actor's autograph,
A newborn calf,

The sunrise in the sky,
And the sunset alike,
And kind passersby,
The stars in the night,

The wind in one's hair,
Sweet spring on the air,
A mother's care,
A child's prayer

The color of skin,
True feelings within,
The sound of violins,
And feeling sheepskin,

A book in my hands,
My feet in the sand,
Stories of another land,
And the promised land,

The leaves in the fall,
Mountains like walls,
Sounds of a waterfall,
The smell of rainfall,

Peace after war,
And petrichor,
And sand on the shore,
And a winning score,

Peace at night,
And perfect light,
And a first sight,
And a flying kite,

A smile so dear,
A kiss so clear,
A loved one near,
And a new come year,

And hope that everything will be okay

These are the beautiful things

I could go on and on and on about beautiful things, even ones that don't rhyme. I fall in love with the little things, like how my friend only eats apples with a knife, or how my mom never actually drinks her coffee, she forgets about it and leaves it in the microwave ten times a day. I love that my cat can tell when I can't sleep and comes and lays right up against my back and purrs to help me sleep. I love that whenever my best friend is thinking, she subconsciously touches the back of her thumb to the indent above her upper lip. I fall in love with little details. There are just as many beautiful things in this world as there are ugly ones. Don't forget to savor them. ❤
Mar 19 · 280
A New Way Of Life

He carried a crimson bible
And held it between his hands
He flipped through it with his fingers
And taught me to understand.

Feb 22 · 382
When I'm Missing You

When I miss you, the world goes dark
When I miss you, I can't breathe
I feel it in my chest
Echoing in our now quiet room
I guess it's just my room now.

I miss you and my lungs won't work
When I miss you, it all hurts
Every damn thing hurts
And I don't know how to make it go
I can't put it into words.

I miss you, and it is bitter
I miss you in my heart-soul
Yes-It all feels empty
And I don't know how to make it stop
I can't make it go away

I miss you, my heart is hollow
I can't sleep without you here
It has been 2 months now.
Yeah - I keep track of how long it's been
Like a drug, I can't let go

I miss you - my body is numb
You say it wasn't my fault,
But I don't believe you
Yeah - I blame myself, what did you think?
That I would just move on? No.

No - I am stuck here like this, now
Your ghost haunts our old bedroom
Comes and goes like vapor
Or a cloud of dust - yeah, more like dust
Settled over my life

And no matter how much dusting
How much cleaning or primping
Or moving that I do,
You will never truly be gone - no,
You will never truly leave

Because this house - room is haunted
Haunted by the one thing that
Will never truly go
It's you, it's always been you - phantom,
Ghost of could have's and almost's

To someone who left with no warning.
Feb 20 · 177
If God Isn't Real

If there is no God, this is worthless
If there is no God, when I die,
No palace I'll see,
No banquet, no King,
No eternal life in the sky.

If there is no God, what's the point, then,
Of clothing, and money, and jewels?
If there is no fight,
No faith, and no sight,
What's the point, then, of getting through school?

If there is no Savior, no Jesus,
No father, no spirit, no son,
No cross, and no grace,
What's the goal of this race?
What motive to finish this run?

I  can't believe there's no Jesus.
For if He does not exist,
There's no point to this life,
No end to this strife
I see no reason to persist.

I have to believe there's a father
And that this trouble will end
If there's no afterlife,
And no house made of light,
Then I just don't know how to fend

I tell you, there must be a Savior
For Jesus is all that I have.
He died for my sin
And heals pain within,
And His favor to me is a Salve

I believe there's a God, there's a father
Who watches me from up above
A father of grace
With a smile on His face
Looking down on me with love

I can tell there's a God in this place
Wrapping his arms around me
In the waters of grace,
I can see His face
And I notice His art in the trees.

His goodness abides in the forest
He comforts my heart when at sea
His fingers they live
In the rocks and the wind
His handiwork's all around me

If you ask me "Who is your Savior?"
Or "Who puts this smile on your face?"
I'll grin just a bit,
And ask you to sit,
And tell you the story of grace.

"Hold now thy cross before my closing eyes, shine through the gloom and point me to the skies, heaven's morning breaks and Earth's vain shadows flee, in life, in death, o God, abide with me."

I want to be alone, but not lonely.
I want to talk, but I don't want anyone to hear me.
I want to cry, but do so silently.
I want someone to ask me what's wrong, but I don't want anyone to know.
I'm too tired to move, but I can't sleep
I want to tell someone, but I can't put it into words.
I want to eat, but food sickens me.
I want to leave this place, but I want to stay where it's familiar and safe.
I want to feel something, but all I feel is numbness.

Jan 4 · 309
Untitled 30

It's so unfair
So incredibly unfair
So unfortunately rediculously, messed-up unfair
That you
Of all people you
Get to live the life
I should have
You get to be happy
You get to be loved
You get to have no worries
When you're the one who left
You left me in pieces
With no one
No one to put me back together

Jan 3 · 351
My Wish For You 2K17

May you always be glad
And all your steps be light
All your nights be merry
And all your days be bright

This wish I have to spare
This prayer I pray for you
May your skies be sunny
And all your oceans blue

With every shooting star
You dare to wish upon
I pray that all your dreams
Will always meet the dawn

But there is one thing that
I wish with all my heart
Something I've felt for you
Yes, from the very start

I hope that one day when
Your heart is wearing thin,
Your sight is all but gone
From the places you've been

I hope that you can say
With utter certainty,
A lifetime of adventure
Is all you'll ever need

I hope on your deathbed
As your breath leaves your chest
That you can say Surely
That you did your best

That everytime you spoke
You left a little smile
Upon the lips of those
You'd talked to for awhile

Everyone you spoke to
Left a little better
No longer prisoners
But shedding their fetters

For every smile you cast
And every hug you give
May cleanse the souls of those
Who find it hard to live

And isn't it better
To smile and save a life
Than quietly pass by
And leave them to their strife?

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