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I'm in bed
Barely awake
My nose is cold, but everything else is warm
And soft
I listen to the lonely melody of this song
And all becomes clear.
I do not fear the final closing of my eyes
For I know what I will see behind my long worn eyelids
A multitude of green fields
And a bleeding sunrise
Kissing the hills behind
And the smile of eternity brushing across my skin.
Sometimes when I'm barely awake, I will write stuff in the notes on my phone and go back to sleep and forget about it until I find it the next day or a couple days later. This is what I found this morning. Soft fall vibes here, and I'm warm under the covers. 🥰
I listen to the lonely melody of this song
And all becomes clear.
I do not fear the final closing of my eyes
For I know what I will see behind my long worn eyelids
A multitude of green fields
And a bleeding sunrise
Kissing the hills behind
And the smile of eternity brushing across my skin
A brilliance that nothing on this side
Could touch
Eve
She didn't believe in beauty
Though she has all the grace of a burning sunrise
But when she looked in the mirror
All she saw was the gray dust after a desert storm
But then someone told her he loved her
And suddenly she noticed
She noticed the way her eyes caught the sun
On a summer evening
She noticed the way her hips and body curved when she lay down on her side
She noticed the subtle highlights and graceful natural loose curls on her head
And she saw for the first time how beautiful she really was
And sometimes when I look in the mirror
I can still see her smiling
With those emerald eyes
And I remember my own beauty
I'm working on taking more pictures of myself that make me feel beautiful. I've always had body image issues, and I think that I'm finally working through them, and it only took 24 years. 😂 Remember that the girl or boy you see in the mirror isn't always you. It's only you if you find him/her beautiful. I thought I'd name this poem after the mother of mankind. I can only imagine how lovely she was, and for a sweet time, she knew she was beautiful.
We used to be much closer
Friends, just you and me
We'd hug and laugh, not knowing
That soon you'd choose to leave

I miss the laugh you had
The one not filled with spite
I miss when we'd play Jenga
Now all we do is fight

You borrowed drinks of hellfire
Before you even knew
You had changed your eyes to anger
Hazel looked so good on you

Now they flash red with fury
Whenever I dare speak
Dear sister, I am trying
To turn the other cheek

But both cheeks now are ragged
Torn, you've struck them both
In waters of your good graces
I'm fighting just to float

People ask if I miss you
I don't know what to say
I miss you oh so badly
But not the "you" this way

I miss the forest fairy
Who used to hold my hand
She wanted my approval
Now she's slipped away like sand

I don't know what to do now
How do I get her back?
Your skin is turning ashen
Your eyes are turning black

I miss my baby sister
I want her home again
But not when you're sinister
I dearly miss my friend

I fear that I have lost you
I cannot reach you now
You've fallen far too deep
Now both of us will drown.
I miss my baby sister. 2 years ago she was a completely different person. She was happy and always laughing, she was perfectly happy to help in any way, now she doesn't even thank me when I do things for ger in hopes of winning her back. She's become closer with some friends who are influencing her in a bad way, and now she's just angry, especially at me,  she turns everything into an argument, she doesn't eat hardly anything, it's like she's wasting away right in front of me. I prayed for a baby sister for 5 years when I was a kid. We've had our rough patches, but we've always made up. I still remember the day she was born, going to see her and my mom in the hospital with my grandma. I'm clinging desperately to hope that the same sweet baby sister I prayed for is in there somewhere, and that when she's ready, she will come out, and we can go back. I've always wanted a sister to be best friends with. Now I wonder if she even loves me anymore.
I've known you for years now, we're friendly
Five or six I think, I'm not sure
Long enough that we know each other
Had plenty of time to mature

I met you when I was still growing
You were happier then, I could see
How could we have known that our future
Would end when you said you loved me

I thought for awhile that maybe-
I'd never been in love Before-
I got nervous when you were with me
But is that really what love is for?

I know for a fact, I was lonely
Perhaps that would go away soon
Besides, did you really know me?
Like half of the sun knows the moon

I liked the idea of us two
Forbidden Love, all that includes
My parents were never fond of you
But perhaps that means more than I knew

We got older, and shared stolen glances
That maybe no one else could see
We read into our own circumstances
A story that could never be

So I told you I do not love you
Rather not in the way that you want
I guess now when we see each other
The words are looming, a haunt

A year passed and still we said nothing
I really thought you had moved on
I guess that I must have done something
Because your feelings were-n't gone

Now I don't know how to be with you
Without hearing words I regret
For who ever said that "I love you"
Meant anything more than a threat?

So now I'm stuck in the middle
Like a CD that skips through a song
We're left with this truth I can't handle:
I'm lonely and you can't move on
Trying hard to move past things that were said. It was not very long ago, I have yet to see you for the first time since you told me. I know once I see you, it will get easier to go back to normal. It's just taking that first step of seeing you again is going to be the hardest. It will get easier, and maybe we will never go back to how we were before, but we can return to a semblance of normalcy if only I can take that first step.
Its been a long year
More than a year
My pawpaw passed away from cancer
And I didn't even get to say goodbye
They wouldn't let us in to see him
Coronavirus
A glorified cold
That none of us had
Kept me from spending
His last moments holding his hand.
That same week,
A guy I had been seeing dumped me
He was kind about it
Not kindly enough
That it didn't hurt
But that's okay
I wasn't the one for him
Maybe that's what I need to be for myself
The one
Love myself a bit better
My close friend said he was in love with me
I feel like I'm being mocked
The one whom I couldn't ever be with
Is the one who says he loves me
After that
My church started falling apart
Pastors left
Arguments were started
Old mistakes
Friends were lost
And my sense of peace gone
And to top it all, I lost something so dear to me that the loss made me want to end all this just to see the face of someone whom I don't know
But someone who knows me
I'm okay
I think I am
Maybe I don't know what that means anymore
Just breathing
Waiting
For the clouds to pass
It will end
The rain will stop, and the warm spring of peace will come again
If only I can make it
If only I could hold on
Hold on just a little bit longer
Just a little bit
Longer
I will find hope
In a hopeless time
I have good days and bad days. Days where I can hardly leave my bed, when I don't want to eat or drink, just sleep. It's been a hard year. Some days the only thankfulness I can find is praying "Thank you that it won't always be like this"
I guess this isn't one of my usual poems
I'm not going to try and use captivating imagery
Or try and put into words
Things I've never said out loud
But I want to tell you a story
When I was 16 years old
My parents gave me a purity ring
It's plain silver, and around the band,
It says
"True love waits"
For so long, when I put it on my finger
I would make sure the word on the outside
The visible edge
Would be turned to the word "love"
I guess I just wanted to say
That I think I'm growing
Maybe in a better way
Because I no longer
Want the ring turned that way.
Now I turn it to the word "waits"
Maybe it's just silly thoughts
Or maybe I'm learning
That it's not about the love that I'm waiting for
It's about the waiting
I'm not going to lie and say I no longer have bad days, or that I have constant trust in the one who is ordering my life, it's a battle I fight every day, and sometimes I lose. But the thing that pains my heart-this loneliness- though sometimes I still cry over what I do not have, I am learning that the waiting I do and the faith I hold through it is going to produce a peculiar glory when I reach the other side.
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