i want to kiss all the sadness out of you and fill your days with smiles and laughter.

i've cried myself to sleep way too many times
i shouldn't say i'm fine
it's just a huge lie

you're my happy ending.

nobody will know the exact pain we went through, but we did it together.

waking up with bruises and wounds
from battling these sleepless nights

I'll dance for you
but you won't see my body moving
you'll just see my pain flowing

I keep glancing at the clock
counting down the minutes until I'm in your arms

i just want to sit at the bottom of that pool
the floor to ceiling windows letting in the sunlight
and i'll watch as the light shimmers on the tile
the waves a kaleidoscope of memories
and it projects in front of me
some are beautiful in a certain kind of way
i'll tell myself that i can breathe
that i'm where i belong
and i'll sit there
in a state of euphoria
in a state of delirium
and float like an astronaut in space
and before i realize it's too late
my lungs stop working
and i'm where i need to be

it *****, doesn't it? feeling like you're not good enough, no matter how are you try.

i've spent my whole life making other people happy when all they did was leave.

just close your eyes
you'll be alright

it is so much easier to fall asleep when you're the very last thing i see before i close my eyes.

i love you. i knew it the moment i met you.

you are my whole existence. and i will love you until my last breath.

and if i could, i'd kiss you till my lungs gave out.

i don't care if you love me or not. i'll still love you anyways.

i never want to stop making memories with you.

my life instantly gets a little better every time i hear and see you laugh.

"i don't believe in magic."
the young boy said.
the old man smiled.
"you will, when you see her."


- atticus

god it's hard to breathe
i've felt this for a few days
what is happening?

to feel so much love at a distance is, to me, an incredible thing. we have never touched. never gone anywhere together. never done the things most couples do together. but we still feel so much love for each other. imagine what it will be like when we're finally together.

i want you to always remember: no matter how hard the distance gets, i am here to stay. no matter how much i cry. no matter how much i scream at the universe for keeping us apart. no matter how much i worry about things. i am here to stay. i will wait forever and a day if it means i will end up in your arms. please always remember: i am here to stay. forever and always.

i wish i was waking up in your arms today. i wish i was kissing you good morning. i wish i was with you already. i'm tired of the distance.

"if you're sad, just get money and you can do whatever you want."
"depression doesn't care if you're poor or not."

i'm going to hold you in my arms and in my heart and in my whole being forever.

if i lost you
i would hurt myself
and that's not just words coming out of my mouth
it's a fact
it's the truth
because there is no me without you
you without me
we are inseparable
soulmates
we are meant to be
and i know you'll never leave
and i'm content knowing that
but there's a lot of people who would try to separate us
and that's what i'm afraid of
of losing you because of them
because no one here wants to see me happy
their only intent is hurting me
no one cares about me here
that's a fact
it's the truth
if they did, why would they leave me so blue?
if they just knew how i felt about you
then maybe they would understand
but no one here wants to listen to my words
they just hear what they need to say instead
i would hurt myself
it's true
because i couldn't survive without you
i don't want to
i would try jumping off buildings
reminding myself of the feeling of falling
i would try splitting open my veins
to try to see that my blood's still running
circulating for you
i would try swallowing pills
to fill the hole inside me
to try to feel something else
than the agonizing pain of being without you
i would try holding handguns to my heart
wondering if i have that courage to keep waiting
wondering if i have the courage not to do something stupid
i would try drowning in water
to remind myself of the way my chest burst with love
i would try tying ropes around my neck
to remind myself of the way that we are tied together
i would hurt myself to remind me of you
i cannot survive without you
and we all know it's a well-known fact
that i destroy myself when i'm hurt
i don't eat
i don't sleep
i don't do anything that's good for me
because what's the point if i already can't breathe?

"why would you want to marry me, anyhow?"
"so i can kiss you anytime i want."

it's you. it's always been you.

i sleep constantly
i'm usually so tired
i am right now, but

i know if i sleep
i will dream of losing you
and please forgive me

but i don't want to
wake up crying again and
feeling my world end

just look at me now
someone afraid of sleeping
something i once loved

i don't want to ache
and wake up crying your name
because i need rest

i would rather die
than to keep dreaming of that
it hurts way too much

so i stay up and
try to remind myself that
you are here to stay

~ june 15, 2018 ~
the truth... i think so deeply about everything in life, but all that ever comes out of my mouth is something less than.

i woke up crying
i had a dream i lost you
my heart was racing

i thought it was real
woke up to my world ending
i thought i would die

reminding myself
we are okay; we are fine
you are here to stay

in guitar class
holding a guitar in my hands
but my fingers aren't moving
they're not working
i'm trying to play
but i can't
every time i breathe in
a cloud of sadness gets pulled in
and my lungs ache
tears are falling
i can't see the notes
my vision is blurry
why can't i move?

every time i see you or think about you or talk to you, i smile and i can't seem to stop. and i often find myself smiling for no reason, just as i'm doing day to day things. and that reason is you. you make me happy. you light up my life. i don't want to ever lose you.

i don't want to think
the sad things hurt me too much
this is a cruel world

i just dreamt of you
i forgot what happened, but
i woke up so sad

what did i dream of?
probably you leaving me
it's not the first time

waking up early
in the middle of the night
calling out your name

my heart beat racing
trying to calm myself down
you are here to stay

you are healing every broken piece of me, one by one. you're filling up the holes in my heart. you're mending all my broken bones. you're suturing all my deep cuts. you're kissing all my scars. you're healing me. you are replacing all my heart ache with love. the battle wounds i obtained from previous relationships are almost gone now. all because of you. i've never trusted my well-being with a person like this. you are my lifeline. and if you left, i would surely die. ten billion bullets right through my chest, leaving me breathless. i trust you not to pull the trigger.

the sad sky above
the crow is flying no more
the rose is now dead

just stay. forever and always.

everything feels like it's falling into place. it has felt that way ever since i met you.