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Mar 2019 · 199
A God Like You
Little Lyssie Mar 2019
You made delicate
The inner parts of my body
You knit me together
Inside my mothers womb
Yet I’ve felt something
Not quite right
For quite some time.
I’ve read that chapter
Over and over and over
It’s just never hit me this hard:
Even though I feel my heart
Not beating the way it should
You’ve let me realize
It doesn’t matter what they find
What they conclude
Or what they prescribe;
There’s no where I can go
To escape your spirit
Not to the heavens
Nor to the grave-
But when there is a God like you
Why would I even consider?
It’s been a rough few months for me being in the hospital and all. But I know that God will be my fortress and my stretngth. And no matter what happens, everything will be okay.
Mar 2019 · 148
worthy
Little Lyssie Mar 2019
i turn to You for refuge
and i trust You'll ease my pain
but please, ease his first
he's much more worthy
than i.
back when i had a rough time with coming to terms with my past.
Sep 2018 · 206
out of hiding
Little Lyssie Sep 2018
i used to hide my feelings
because
i didn't want others to know
the pain and sorrow
that's carved into my skin.
though as time went by
it became too much
to simply cover up
and i began
to let it show through.
then i realized
no one notices anyway
for the only reason that
they're in their own little world
surrounded
by their ideals and desires
and too busy to look beyond
the circumference
of their life.
Jul 2018 · 297
grow up, grown up
Little Lyssie Jul 2018
i understand now.
you're just uncomfortable.
you never left that convenient bubble
your parents allowed you to form.
you were never really ready to have kids.
you weren't ready to take care of us
because you never grew up yourself.
we finally have a mind of our own
and you don't know how to react to it.
back then, you were never even ready for a relationship.
you were selfish for love
but never matured enough to take it on.
you really haven't matured since.
now because of it
your wife is suffering, feeling like she doesn't matter to you.
she cries mid-day because she can't keep you under control.
your kids feel like they're the parent-
picking up the trash you and your dogs leave behind
becoming exhausted trying to teach you what's right from wrong.
not understanding why daddy always ignores them,
never an "i love you" said,
not hugging them before they go to bed.
your parents don't have any respect left for you.
they aren't willing to help you out anymore
and they make that quite clear.
it's no wonder why there isn't anyone who wants to spend time with you- you never want to spend time with anyone outside of your online game.
all you do is complain.
you're just so uncomfortable with the thought of your children growing up, finding love, getting married and having children of their own.
and if it makes you so uncomfortable to see them now, just wait until they're your age doing ten times better than you've ever dreamed.
you won't know how to react to any of it because you never became comfortable with the way life works.
if you couldn't figure out how to grow up then,
how will you grow up now?
the sad part is
your big boy shoes don't have any growing room left.
i should be glad you're not an alcoholic or a druggie.
a smoker or a *****.
but i guess addiction is addiction
and it hurts just as bad.
it's a little heavy, but i know i'm not alone. and for those of you in a similar situation, i understand. you're not alone either.
Jul 2018 · 392
Overcome
Little Lyssie Jul 2018
silhouettes and shadows
were ever over me
until your voice spoke into
and through the dark.
now strength and courage
flow from your breath
and into my lungs
to help me walk
this walk of life
and into the arms
of my beloved.
though my body aches
my heart is free
from the sorrow and grief
i’ve carried
once before.
and now I rejoice
for the love you give
is given harmoniously
and the world has been
and forever will be
overcome.
and when things look bleak, do not rely on your own understanding, but trust in the One who created.
Jul 2018 · 236
selfish
Little Lyssie Jul 2018
is it too selfish to say
i don’t want Jesus to come back
because i haven’t gotten to spend
enough time with you yet?
i apologize
if it is..
I am only human, but my humanity longs to love you longer, my dear.
Jul 2018 · 187
in 13 words
Little Lyssie Jul 2018
I've heard artists always create more when they're in mourning.
I understand that now.
May 2018 · 309
Departing
Little Lyssie May 2018
Some weekends
I just want to stay here
and not drive hours to see you.
But it’s not because
I don’t want to be with you.
Truly, I do.
It’s just that
I don’t want to feel
that heavy familiar feeling
of missing you
when I leave.
I miss you always. I need you here with me.
It’s worth every second of missing you.
Feb 2018 · 287
sleep
Little Lyssie Feb 2018
watching you sleep
could possibly be
the most peaceful thing
that i've ever seen.
how it is so easy to nap when you're beside me?
Feb 2018 · 254
74degree Weather
Little Lyssie Feb 2018
I wish we were together
away from everything
watching stars float across the skies
in 74degree weather
lets go
Dec 2017 · 242
simple actions
Little Lyssie Dec 2017
I wish I could relive that moment
When you pulled me into your arms
And told me
"I am God's."

All I felt was pain, anxiety,
anger and regret.
What I told you then
I couldn't tell anyone at all.
What I told you then
I would never have said aloud.
What I told you then
I would have kept to my grave.
To this day
It makes me so upset
To know that the one thing
I'm so passionately trying
To save others from
Is the one thing
I knew I'd do myself.

I don't know why you did
But you pulled me and held me
And as I kicked and I cried,
Slowly
My emotions calmed.
All I could say was
"I am God's"
"I am God's"
"I am God's"
And the way I felt then
Is nearly inexplainable.
Relief, but still desolate.
Hopeful, but drained.
Tired and confused.
Helpless and limp.
And you began dotting ice cubes
Around my face, neck, and back
Cooling me from my struggle.
And in that moment,
Something changed.
I felt it in the air around us.
I know you felt it, too.

I wish I could relive that moment
When you held me in your arms
And told me
"We're going to be okay."
I'll forever remember that day. Thank you for everything.
Infinitely, my love
Dec 2017 · 1.1k
1,000 Years
Little Lyssie Dec 2017
If we had
   1,000 years
to live together,
   it still
      wouldn't
           be
              enough.
My love, I can't get enough of you.
Dec 2017 · 258
Honestly
Little Lyssie Dec 2017
I'm afraid
of everything
I didn't care about
when I contemplated
suicide.
later on in life you find things that are worth living for.
you find there is so much more to life then you've been shown.
Dec 2017 · 257
Purpose
Little Lyssie Dec 2017
So many people
And so many stories
All hidden
Under scarred hearts and paper skin
Afraid to open up again
Locked away beneath the surface
Searching desperately for a purpose
you slowly start to see who you are
when you open up to others-
even if it brings pain,
it's worth it in the end.
Oct 2017 · 392
would I feel better then
Little Lyssie Oct 2017
If I admitted I hate myself
for all the things against you
I had said and done-
would I feel better then?  

If I found a way to show
the weight of sorrow I carry
for all the pain I’ve caused you-
would I feel better then?

If I truly understood
the depth and reason
of love, forgiveness, and mercy-
would I feel better then?
Oct 2017 · 388
privileges
Little Lyssie Oct 2017
Laying beside you
I felt your warmth
I saw your chest rise and fall
Your aroma drifted and settled around me
And if I moved my head just right
I could hear your heart beat
Beating so loud and strong-

I do believe
laying beside you
is one of my greatest privileges.
infinitely, my love.
Oct 2017 · 1.1k
recovery
Little Lyssie Oct 2017
it's your presence
that keeps me grounded
it's your boundless love
that keeps me hopeful
and it's your relentlessness
that keeps me alive.

you are the biggest part
of my recovery.
Oct 2017 · 268
silent compassion
Little Lyssie Oct 2017
sometimes
my heart aches for this world.
and sometimes at night,
i can't stop my tears
from leaving warm trails
and soaking the pillow case below.
it's not that i'm surprised, no.
but it's that
the pain and grief
that others are feeling
don't just roll off my heart
as easy as i thought they would.
for all in vegas.
it's going to be okay- but it will take time.
Oct 2017 · 335
let come what may
Little Lyssie Oct 2017
I will not give up
I will not give in
I will keep living
With these scars on my skin
I will keep breathing
Every breath You send
Because it's upon You
I do depend
The only thing I ask
Is this request unspoken-
Living with a heart like this
Can keep us both broken
Let come what may
To this life we've made
But, please, help us fix this
Let your love cascade
I won't understand
Your heavenly ways
It's only until I get to ask You
But that day is not today

You giveth and taketh away
Either way, let come what may.
something I wrote a few months ago during a hard time.
keep pushing forward
Jul 2017 · 345
when you're angry
Little Lyssie Jul 2017
don't treat me
the way you feel
like treating me
and don't say
the things you feel
like saying
and don't leave me
even if you feel
that's the only thing left to do

because
in the end
we all have feelings
that get hurt
just as easy
infinitely, my love.
lets work together through everything
Jun 2017 · 379
come and go or stay with me
Little Lyssie Jun 2017
please,
don't be like life
and come and go.

stay with me
infinitely.
May 2017 · 1.1k
Petals And Frigid Water
Little Lyssie May 2017
Petals
Decorating my bedroom floor.
Lit candles
Flickering upon nightstands.
Our favorite gentle music
Dancing into my ears.
And you're there, too
Waiting upon bed sheets
Silently
Bidding me come.
And as passion befalls me
Cold, frigid water
Rushes down my naked skin.
The warm water exhausted
Brings me back
To sitting in the shower
Alone
I miss you, baby
May 2017 · 292
being an american
Little Lyssie May 2017
I think
I've lost the desire
To create art.
It's no longer pleasing-
Nor is it peaceful.
It's become more
Of a hassle
Than a way of life.

And I don't completely
Understand why.

"You're a really good artist.."
"Are you planning to pursue it as a career?"
"But.. Why not?"

I think
The American way of life
Has crushed my dreams
Of living the way I wanted to
And made me believe
I have no other choice
but to live
as the puzzle piece
they want me to be.
why must you take part of us away
May 2017 · 469
not taken for granted
Little Lyssie May 2017
you know,
you don't have to do so much.

you didn't have to let me wear your cardigan-
i told you i'd wear it every day, in every season.
but i don't think you believed me.
or maybe
you just didn't mind.
and now it's all stretched out and worn
to the point where you won't wear it anymore
because it doesn't quite fit the way it used to.

but it still keeps me warm.

you didn't have to let me take pictures of you
with that fancy camera of yours.
i know how uncomfortable it makes you feel
to see yourself in someone else's view.
but when i asked if i could take a few,
you didn't say no or shy away.
you gave me your camera,
sat in an antique-looking chair,
and let me capture one of the greatest moments
of my life with you.

still, those pictures bring me just as much joy.

you don't have to leave me voice-mails when i don't answer. i know you don't like to hear yourself in recordings or videos.
but i think you do it anyway because it makes me giddy inside.
you don't have to send me pictures of your messy hair or your beautiful face. i know you don't like being in pictures, either.
but i think you do it anyway because it make me blush.
you don't have to drive half an hour to come see me when you don't feel like driving. you can always come some other day.
but i think you do it anyway because you know with you is where i want to be most.

i will say that
there are so many times
when i don't believe i'm worth it.
days when i feel over-appreciated and selfish.

but there you are again to remind me
that you do all of those little things
because you want me to know
that you love me
that you see who i am
and not what i've done.

and sometimes,
it may seem like i don't notice
all the things you do for me-
but i promise you,
i notice everything

and i try my hardest to not take it for granted.
i appreciate it more than you'll ever know-
infinitely, my love.
Apr 2017 · 2.3k
Savior
Little Lyssie Apr 2017
I wasn't asking for attention- nor was I looking for sympathy.
I didn't need someone to save me.
I knew the unspoken consequences when I had all those thoughts and urges..
they'd be there forever.
you'll never be able to wear anything that comes a few inches short of the knee.
you'll be sore for a quite a while- you know how much it stings.
I didn't care about that- it didn't matter to me.
I didn't care about myself.

Back then, I was too naive to consider that some of those consequences might be much heavier than I was led to believe.
do you not understand this could **** you? -so what? Wouldn't it be best anyway?
it'll hurt your family, they care about you -no they don't; and even if they did, they don't have to know.
what will your future spouse think? -are you kidding? I'm never going to get married. No one will ever truly love me and all that I am.. all that I've done.
your body is a temple, made by the Almighy Go- -God doesn't want me. I'm a ***** over. He couldn't care about me even if I asked Him to. No one should.
How could anyone want someone who talks too much, laughs too loud, and loves too little?

I wasn't asking for attention- nor was I looking for sympathy.
It was purely because I felt the need to be punished-
And that punishment was what felt good to me.
I was out of my mind.
Way out of line.
The thoughts and wants and needs kept intertwining
and I couldn't think clearly anymore.

I didn't know just how wrong I was about all of that
Until I met you.
You showed me who God really was and how His love is always unconditional.
Even in the mess I had made, He sifted through it, grabbed my hand, and pulled me into the sunlight.
And then He stayed there and helped me sort it all out, fix the broken pieces, and create in me a new being.
He showed me that the pain I'd been dealing and the feelings I'd been feeling weren't the feelings and dealings He would have dealt.
He spoke in kind words that echoed through the people you introduced me to.
He moved through the winds of change that brought me to new places; and even though I was scared, He gave me the courage to continue on strong.
He rearranged my life so that I can wake up every morning without the feeling of hopelessness hanging off my heels.
So I could be grateful that I am alive.

He did this for me.
He blossomed everything around me.
Slowly and painfully, He changed me.
But the amazing thing about that pain
is that pain doesn't have regret chained to it.
It doesn't have long lasting impressions
that stay for years on end reminding me
of my worst mistakes.
It doesn't make me look back and wish
I had done it differently.

It makes me think
that I am someone
worth cherishing-

that I am someone
worth saving.
Infinitely, He Loves.
Apr 2017 · 393
.
Little Lyssie Apr 2017
.
How did I fall so hopelessly in love with you?
Oliver, you're my other half and I will cherish you forever.
Apr 2017 · 391
So Much Given Up
Little Lyssie Apr 2017
He saw me when we first met.
And though he didn't know who I was,
he still reached out to me.
We both know outward appearance says a lot.

I used to be so different.
I used to have earrings in both ears; an industrial bar in one, doubles on the other- even a nose ring. I always said getting those piercings had been one of my favorite decisions and that I'd never regret it.
I used to blow rings and create tornadoes from my lips with a vape that became popular in the smoking world. Different flavors and scents evaporating in the heavy air constantly surrounded me.
I used to be so fed-up with life and the expectations it brought upon me.
So much so that I didn't want to live to see what it would bring me next.
My eyes became glazed over in a fog preventing me from seeing clearly.
Maybe that's why I was so blind to the things I had done.

I used to be okay with leaving the people around me for a while
and not telling them where I was going or how I was feeling
because it always seemed like they didn't care.
I used to be okay with leaving marks on my skin that would last for years because I believed the problem wasn't around me- it was within me.
I used to be okay with giving myself away in different ways
because that's the only way of life I knew.
I used to not be okay.

But when I met him
I slowly became okay again.

And because of You..
I freely gave up the person I was
so I could be with You
forever.
Mar 2017 · 796
"Paint Me Something..."
Little Lyssie Mar 2017
"Paint me something
that reminds you of me."

what do i paint
when everything in my view
reminds me of you?

"You could paint me"

how could i paint something
with so much perfection-
not even your own reflection
can attain it's justice.

what do i paint
when everything i think, say, or do
reminds me of you?

where could i even begin
You're perfect, Darling- in every way.
Mar 2017 · 339
Exploration
Little Lyssie Mar 2017
Even though
my eyes are wide open
there's so much I can't see.
My view doesn't go beyond
peripherals or the horizon-
But I know
there's so much more out there
And I want to see it all.
Ollie, will you explore with me?
Mar 2017 · 657
Effort It Takes
Little Lyssie Mar 2017
Forgiveness
is a funny thing.

It has no boundaries
but we end up putting them there
anyway

And sometimes forgiveness
is easier said
than done.

When I look beyond my waist, I see
all the forgiveness
you've given me

The pain you've tolerated
The time you've waited
The space you've instated
reminds me
your forgiveness
knows no end.

I look below my hips and see
all the times
you felt like nobody

I didn't know you then
I didn't know me then,
either
I only knew the light of the moon
when everyone else
was walking in daylight.

I look to my thighs and see
all the hatred
I came to believe

Not for others, no-
for the words,
the actions,
the things my eyes said
when my mind knew otherwise
and my heart screamed in agony

Sometimes forgiveness
is easier said
than done.
Especially for one
giving so much effort
to forgive themselves
when everyday they see
the person they used to be.
I'm still so sorry
I'd take it back if I could
My promise holds firm
Mar 2017 · 364
1. How To Love You
Little Lyssie Mar 2017
Thank you
for understanding when I mess up
and slowly teaching me
the right way to love you.

Even when you weren't okay,
you've treated me with so much patience
I'd feel as if I cheated you
if I did anything less to repay.

I'm so sorry
that I fall short sometimes.

There will be moments where
I might do or say
something
that makes you doubt that I care.

I regret all of those times, honestly
and I always will as long as they happen.
"It's never my intention-"
How could it ever be?

If there's a better way to love you
than I already do,
still-
bring it into my view.

I don't care how difficult it may be
because I know it's worth
all the effort it takes
to love you unconditionally.

Just to see your joyful eyes,
to hear your sincere laughter,
for me to know your mind is at peace-
those would be rewards in disguise.

Thank you
for understanding when I mess up
and slowly letting me learn
through and through-

You're showing me how to love you
with a love that only we will ever understand.
Infinitely.
Mar 2017 · 279
Thank You
Little Lyssie Mar 2017
For giving me
the opportunity
to love you as much as I do.
Infinitely
Feb 2017 · 284
Flower Pot
Little Lyssie Feb 2017
For a while now there's
been a flower *** tipped on it's side
teetering on the busiest corner in town-
No one has stopped to pick it up quite yet;
Including me.
I suppose I'm waiting, watching,
wanting to find someone
who cares enough
to set it upright again.
Feb 2017 · 281
silence
Little Lyssie Feb 2017
is there a reason
the silence in between us
makes me so confused

when you don't explain
why you're as hurt as you are
it makes me wonder

i want you to talk
i want you to speak your mind
tell me everything

you have my patience
but all i can hear sometimes
is mindless silence

you can take your time
think everything in depth but
tell me you're still there
I love you, always.
I want to understand you and know what you're thinking- even if its only a few words or an hour's ramble. I'm always here for you.
Feb 2017 · 495
Home
Little Lyssie Feb 2017
why is it that headlights are so much more blinding when there's warm streams puddling at my chin because i'm physically furthering myself away from you? why is it that the farther i am from you, the more i feel like there's something heavy holding my heart tighter and tighter, pulling at me with everything it has to turn around and come back to you? i know i'll return to your side in just a few days, but i feel pages and pages torn from my memories wedging their way between my ribs making it difficult to breathe normally. as i blink away the tears that still are falling, i see that beautiful smiling face of yours looking down at me in your arms, telling me that you'll see me soon, even though we both know that "soon" isn't soon enough. i can see you desperately trying to fight back emotion after emotion as you release me from your warm embrace and i know that you'll always invite me back with open arms but that doesn't make it any easier to leave you here and now. every ounce of me longs to be with you each moment we have. i've seen too many times when two people are forever separated- and one of them is forced to attend a funeral that they didn't think was going to occur until their hair turned silver and their eyes grew dim. continuing to live a life absent of you would be the night sky without a moon, waves without noise, flowers without color, music without sound, kisses without feeling. i wish you understood how void my life would be without you-almost all would be vanity. now that i know how complete i am when you're here, i can't imagine what it'd be like to no longer have you near. i slam on the brakes as bright red lights seen almost too late and i tell myself to be more careful, stay focused, think straight.
that's one of the main reasons i keep pushing forward when i feel i have no energy left to spare-
*it's the thought of coming back home to you.
Feb 2017 · 255
Indignation
Little Lyssie Feb 2017
Why are you so angry?
Is it because he's right?
Or is it because
He brings up all your mistakes
Opening up the wounds
You so desperately tried to heal?

Be careful not to say something
You might regret.
Then you really will revert to
That girl everyone hated.

"You don't want your past to follow you but-
There's never an escape from it's quickening heels."

Breathe.
He might be angry, too.
Feb 2017 · 314
Now That You're Gone
Little Lyssie Feb 2017
You'll never know how much I miss you
I don't think I could explain, either way.
You could only imagine
How much I miss you.

When I open my front door,
I don't see you spin around
on the linoleum floor
Tapping your long nails across it.

When I need to go for a short drive,
You don't bark when I grab my keys
and slip on my shoes
Like you normally do.

Like you always had.

You don't get to ride shotgun
or hang your little head
outside my window.
You don't get to take a nap
and keep the seat warm
whenever I'm gone.
You don't get to hide behind the seat
as soon as you see us
turn on the road to the vet.
Every day you'd sit and watch
outside my window with anticipation-
probably couting down the seconds
until I'd come back home again.

You don't get to anymore.

I was so proud of you.
You never did anything worthy of punishment.
You only growled when someone tried to move you
while you slept curled up next to me
as if you were trying to protect me
from anything that could hurt me.

And the look in your solemn brown eyes
was all the apology I needed
to gather you in my arms
and tell you that you were forgiven.

The way you loved me leaves me astonished.
How you'd slowly walk back to me
and put your head in my hands
after I accidentally stepped on your toes.
How you'd continue to sleep next to me
through the restless nights
when I'd nearly kick you off my bed.

I had always felt so bad.

When your eyes grew clouded
and your ears went silent,
you'd still see my arms reaching out to you
and you'd still hear me calling your name-
And even though you became a little slow,
you'd still know when I needed you most.

I'm always filled with sadness
when I think about how your years
come and go much faster than my own.
How I won't get to spend
the rest of my life with you
or wake up each morning to your quiet yawns.
But I'm also quite at peace
Because you were able to spend
the rest of your life with me
and awake to my hand between your ears
reminding you that I was right beside you.

But-
Now that you're gone
There's a small hole in this heart of mine
that will never be able to be filled.
Because that small hole
is shaped for you and you alone.

With each day, it gets easier-
Easier to live without you, I suppose.
Because of you, I will never be the same.
I'm more joyful, more hopeful, less concerned for the 'morrow.

But this couldn't ever change
how much I miss you.
I don't think I could explain, either way.
You will never know how much I miss you.
Jan 2017 · 257
I am
Little Lyssie Jan 2017
Who am I, you ask?
I am myself
Yet
I am also people around me
I seem to conform to those closer to me
And those farther away leave more
of a thumbprint
on the life I've made
I am
who I believe myself to be
who I think myself to be
who I create myself to be
And
to those who try to break me
I am not your puppet
You will never be in control
You are merely a chisel
chipping
a small piece
of who I wasn't meant to be
#me

— The End —