i used to hide my feelings
because
i didn't want others to know
the pain and sorrow
that's carved into my skin.
though as time went by
it became too much
to simply cover up
and i began
to let it show through.
then i realized
no one notices anyway
for the only reason that
they're in their own little world
surrounded
by their ideals and desires
and too busy to look beyond
the circumference
of their life.

I've heard artists always create more when they're in mourning.
I understand that now.

If we had
   1,000 years
to live together,
   it still
      wouldn't
           be
              enough.

If I admitted I hate myself
for all the things against you
I had said and done-
would I feel better then?  

If I found a way to show
the weight of sorrow I carry
for all the pain I’ve caused you-
would I feel better then?

If I truly understood
the depth and reason
of love, forgiveness, and mercy-
would I feel better then?

I wasn't asking for attention- nor was I looking for sympathy.
I didn't need someone to save me.
I knew the unspoken consequences when I had all those thoughts and urges..
they'd be there forever.
you'll never be able to wear anything that comes a few inches short of the knee.
you'll be sore for a quite a while- you know how much it stings.
I didn't care about that- it didn't matter to me.
I didn't care about myself.

Back then, I was too naive to consider that some of those consequences might be much heavier than I was led to believe.
do you not understand this could **** you? -so what? Wouldn't it be best anyway?
it'll hurt your family, they care about you -no they don't; and even if they did, they don't have to know.
what will your future spouse think? -are you kidding? I'm never going to get married. No one will ever truly love me and all that I am.. all that I've done.
your body is a temple, made by the Almighy Go- -God doesn't want me. I'm a ***** over. He couldn't care about me even if I asked Him to. No one should.
How could anyone want someone who talks too much, laughs too loud, and loves too little?

I wasn't asking for attention- nor was I looking for sympathy.
It was purely because I felt the need to be punished-
And that punishment was what felt good to me.
I was out of my mind.
Way out of line.
The thoughts and wants and needs kept intertwining
and I couldn't think clearly anymore.

I didn't know just how wrong I was about all of that
Until I met you.
You showed me who God really was and how His love is always unconditional.
Even in the mess I had made, He sifted through it, grabbed my hand, and pulled me into the sunlight.
And then He stayed there and helped me sort it all out, fix the broken pieces, and create in me a new being.
He showed me that the pain I'd been dealing and the feelings I'd been feeling weren't the feelings and dealings He would have dealt.
He spoke in kind words that echoed through the people you introduced me to.
He moved through the winds of change that brought me to new places; and even though I was scared, He gave me the courage to continue on strong.
He rearranged my life so that I can wake up every morning without the feeling of hopelessness hanging off my heels.
So I could be grateful that I am alive.

He did this for me.
He blossomed everything around me.
Slowly and painfully, He changed me.
But the amazing thing about that pain
is that pain doesn't have regret chained to it.
It doesn't have long lasting impressions
that stay for years on end reminding me
of my worst mistakes.
It doesn't make me look back and wish
I had done it differently.

It makes me think
that I am someone
worth cherishing-

that I am someone
worth saving.

How did I fall so hopelessly in love with you?

Even though
my eyes are wide open
there's so much I can't see.
My view doesn't go beyond
peripherals or the horizon-
But I know
there's so much more out there
And I want to see it all.

Forgiveness
is a funny thing.

It has no boundaries
but we end up putting them there
anyway

And sometimes forgiveness
is easier said
than done.

When I look beyond my waist, I see
all the forgiveness
you've given me

The pain you've tolerated
The time you've waited
The space you've instated
reminds me
your forgiveness
knows no end.

I look below my hips and see
all the times
you felt like nobody

I didn't know you then
I didn't know me then,
either
I only knew the light of the moon
when everyone else
was walking in daylight.

I look to my thighs and see
all the hatred
I came to believe

Not for others, no-
for the words,
the actions,
the things my eyes said
when my mind knew otherwise
and my heart screamed in agony

Sometimes forgiveness
is easier said
than done.
Especially for one
giving so much effort
to forgive themselves
when everyday they see
the person they used to be.

why is it that headlights are so much more blinding when there's warm streams puddling at my chin because i'm physically furthering myself away from you? why is it that the farther i am from you, the more i feel like there's something heavy holding my heart tighter and tighter, pulling at me with everything it has to turn around and come back to you? i know i'll return to your side in just a few days, but i feel pages and pages torn from my memories wedging their way between my ribs making it difficult to breathe normally. as i blink away the tears that still are falling, i see that beautiful smiling face of yours looking down at me in your arms, telling me that you'll see me soon, even though we both know that "soon" isn't soon enough. i can see you desperately trying to fight back emotion after emotion as you release me from your warm embrace and i know that you'll always invite me back with open arms but that doesn't make it any easier to leave you here and now. every ounce of me longs to be with you each moment we have. i've seen too many times when two people are forever separated- and one of them is forced to attend a funeral that they didn't think was going to occur until their hair turned silver and their eyes grew dim. continuing to live a life absent of you would be the night sky without a moon, waves without noise, flowers without color, music without sound, kisses without feeling. i wish you understood how void my life would be without you-almost all would be vanity. now that i know how complete i am when you're here, i can't imagine what it'd be like to no longer have you near. i slam on the brakes as bright red lights seen almost too late and i tell myself to be more careful, stay focused, think straight.
that's one of the main reasons i keep pushing forward when i feel i have no energy left to spare-
*it's the thought of coming back home to you.

You'll never know how much I miss you
I don't think I could explain, either way.
You could only imagine
How much I miss you.

When I open my front door,
I don't see you spin around
on the linoleum floor
Tapping your long nails across it.

When I need to go for a short drive,
You don't bark when I grab my keys
and slip on my shoes
Like you normally do.

Like you always had.

You don't get to ride shotgun
or hang your little head
outside my window.
You don't get to take a nap
and keep the seat warm
whenever I'm gone.
You don't get to hide behind the seat
as soon as you see us
turn on the road to the vet.
Every day you'd sit and watch
outside my window with anticipation-
probably couting down the seconds
until I'd come back home again.

You don't get to anymore.

I was so proud of you.
You never did anything worthy of punishment.
You only growled when someone tried to move you
while you slept curled up next to me
as if you were trying to protect me
from anything that could hurt me.

And the look in your solemn brown eyes
was all the apology I needed
to gather you in my arms
and tell you that you were forgiven.

The way you loved me leaves me astonished.
How you'd slowly walk back to me
and put your head in my hands
after I accidentally stepped on your toes.
How you'd continue to sleep next to me
through the restless nights
when I'd nearly kick you off my bed.

I had always felt so bad.

When your eyes grew clouded
and your ears went silent,
you'd still see my arms reaching out to you
and you'd still hear me calling your name-
And even though you became a little slow,
you'd still know when I needed you most.

I'm always filled with sadness
when I think about how your years
come and go much faster than my own.
How I won't get to spend
the rest of my life with you
or wake up each morning to your quiet yawns.
But I'm also quite at peace
Because you were able to spend
the rest of your life with me
and awake to my hand between your ears
reminding you that I was right beside you.

But-
Now that you're gone
There's a small hole in this heart of mine
that will never be able to be filled.
Because that small hole
is shaped for you and you alone.

With each day, it gets easier-
Easier to live without you, I suppose.
Because of you, I will never be the same.
I'm more joyful, more hopeful, less concerned for the 'morrow.

But this couldn't ever change
how much I miss you.
I don't think I could explain, either way.
You will never know how much I miss you.

Who am I, you ask?
I am myself
Yet
I am also people around me
I seem to conform to those closer to me
And those farther away leave more
of a thumbprint
on the life I've made
I am
who I believe myself to be
who I think myself to be
who I create myself to be
And
to those who try to break me
I am not your puppet
You will never be in control
You are merely a chisel
chipping
a small piece
of who I wasn't meant to be