Dearest Parents,

I don’t even know where to begin, because there’s so much sitting in my heart. Some of it heavy, some of it aching and all of it quietly waiting to be heard.

I miss you both.
I miss home.
I miss the feeling of safety I used to associate with your presence. Even when things were hard, I believed, deep down, that love was somewhere in the room.

But now… I feel banished. Like I was pushed out from the one place I thought would always take me in. I don’t know if it was something I did, or didn’t do, or simply who I am. But the silence, the distance, it’s louder than any words you could’ve spoken.

I’ve been trying to be strong. To hold myself up without the foundation I used to rely on. To believe I still matter, even when I feel forgotten. It hurts. It hurts in the kind of way that lingers, that wakes me up at night, that makes me question my worth.

Still, somewhere in me, there’s a small flicker of love that hasn’t gone out. A part of me that wishes you could see me. Not as a disappointment, not as someone to cast out, but just as your child. I’m not perfect, but I’ve always carried love for you. I still do.

Maybe you’ll never read this. Maybe nothing will change. But I needed to say it, for me. I needed to let these words out of the cage they’ve been in.

With love and sadness,
Me

In my eyes you could see—
for every wound, salt was the remedy.
Forced to silence those thoughts that haven't been heard,
beating me down—it was absurd.

I was living my years in a lie.
Was in search for what’s the meaning of life.
Not until one day,
I woke up in awe of what inside.
I’ve had it all along.
I’ve been so distant and distracted of the thought.
Dying to chase the ‘high’,
Not realising anything.
I lost everything.
I lost,
ME.

I’m still
In search of
Lightness despite
This time.

Behind
my
eyes
were a
disguise,
a monster
that's
unwise.

I had to lie,
as you were asking
about these tears.
I had to hide the truth,
and swam in my own thoughts.
I had to breathe alone now,
as you left me in the darkness.
I had to lose you,
on the process of finding me.
I had to build my walls too,
because no one really gets under.

Skin & soul,
You've built a wall.
Can't carry it all —
feeling small.

Waves are crashing,
Heart is crumbling.
We were once each other's everything,
Now, we're already sinking.

Seek us love —
Together above.
Don't go,
Let's start slow.

Please
don't get lost in someone else.
Ask yourself once in a while,
"How are you doing?"

You
Are
Important
To
YOU.

A second with you;
Dying to make it last a lifetime.
Come home,
and please stay.
I cannot watch you go away again,
Honey take it slow.

Shook the best
when your love
was home.
And now you're
gone.

What has become of us?
I did not wish this end.

Praying on a better ending,
just somethin',
so we'll stop pretending.
I've left alone reminiscing.

Pulling you more to me,
But now, you wanted to be free.
Time has come for us to fall,
And now you've built a wall.

You
brought
lightness
in me,
when
darkness
poured upon
us.

I lost you,
not just you,
but
us.
All I want is
you.

Today I felt different...
While I was decluttering my room and sorting my stuff (preparing my things to finally leave this apartment). Tears were flowing, again. It still pains me knowing you aren't there everyday. Knowing I can't talk to you about the random things that happened today. Knowing that you'll always support me when I told you that, " I don't feel well, I need to clean my room to clear my mind". Knowing that I  don't have you, period.
I found photographs of me, you, and us. We were happy in those tiny polariods we have. I found a lot of stuff that reminds me of you, yet I still can't let go even in those things we shared. I still want you near, hoping we'll still share this rainbow color we had. I still have those vivid memories of you, of our plans as a family together. I still want us to work, I still crave for your affirmation and attention. I still think of you a thousand times a day, I am missing you everyday. I still want you. Because I'll never found love like ours.
But, each day I have to face a difficult ending. I have to accept that we need to grow apart. I need to accept that you aren't going home to me anymore. I gotta holdback asking how are you today. I have to hold myself from coming to your place, hoping I'd see a glimpse of you even I'm outside looking like a total creep. I have to keep this random talks to myself. I have to be taster, every time I found a new recipe. I have to be me, without you anymore.

I pray someday you'll find what you need in this lifetime and if this letter crosses your path, let me know. Because I, we'll be waiting for you.

Until then, please do take care of yourself.
S