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2.1k · Nov 2024
Until
Kaiden Nov 2024
"You're so talented"
Until they find out it's because writing is the only way to keep me from losing sanity

"You're so mature"
Until they find out it's because i was forced to grow up way too fast

"You're so responsible"
Until they find out i ran away at 13

"You're such a good friend"
Until they find out i have a different personality for each one of them

"You're so helpful"
Until they find out that no matter what i do, i can't say no

"You're such a good Christian"
Until they find out i'm gay

"You're such a pretty girl"
Until they find out i'm not even a girl

"You're such a good brother"
Until they find out i almost killed mine

"You're so strong"
Until they find out i almost gave up
They love you until they find out something about you that they hate
2.0k · Jan 29
Trauma
Kaiden Jan 29
I'd rather live through the trauma
That i know,
Instead of starting a new one.
I was given the choice of living with my father and my mother (and her boyfriend). He's abusive but I'd rather suffer through the trauma I know than a new type of trauma where i wouldn't know how to deal with it.
1.3k · Dec 2024
Trauma
Kaiden Dec 2024
How am i supposed to like you
After what you did to me?
Children have memories too,
Father
Guys im sorry i dissapeared for like a week i was at my father's house
#sa
1.1k · Nov 2024
Twelve
Kaiden Nov 2024
Twelve.
Such a wonderful age.
The human is still young, yet beginning to gain more knowledge.
But my twelve was different.

My twelve wasn't playing with toys
Or reading books all day
No.
It was about working a hard job under my stepfather's violent hand.

About crying out for help
Yet too quiet to be heard.

My twelve was about finding the power of
Turning mental pain into that of physical
About the box of pills in my drawer
And a bottle of water helping them get into my system

My twelve was about going to sleep
And hoping i'll never wake up
About my mother not knowing her child tried to end his life
At its very beginning.
Even after the 2 years thatr have passed since that day, i don't understand how someone could ever do something like that to a child.
978 · Apr 3
Hurting you
Kaiden Apr 3
Sometimes i wonder:
Do bullies hurt too?
I hurt a person,
And immediately knew
That it feels worse than to be hurt,
Yet they do it anyway
With all of those mean words
They have to say.
One selfish act,
A comment or two,
But they never felt worse
Than hurting you.
I accidentally hurt my best friend yesterday. He had a really bad day, i didn't know about it, i and this one person made a comment about him in our discord server, not really knowing that it would hurt him. I apologized but he didn't respond yet. (also, if you can read this somehow, i'm really ******* sorry)
951 · Mar 7
Scars
Kaiden Mar 7
Scars fading away,
Along with the memories
Of the hurt and decay,
The endless stories,
Coming back fresh,
Regaining their life on paper,
Carving into the flesh,
Disappearing later.
Sh scars fading away is one of the worst feelings out there
928 · Mar 31
Safety pin
Kaiden Mar 31
You're like a safety pin.
Holding onto life for me
When i no longer can.
To this one special person.
909 · Jan 10
Brother
Kaiden Jan 10
Today i found out that
My brother is turning into me.
Every single detail.
I'm scared for him.
My brother is exactly the age i started sh and i found out he already tried it "out of curiosity". Same as me. I have no idea how to help him because he refuses to believe he's not okay. I don't want him to go through the same stuff i sent through.
748 · Dec 2024
If they knew
Kaiden Dec 2024
If they knew what happened yesterday
What would they say?
What would she say to her man
If everything went according to the plan?

If she knew the pain i feel
Would she still think it's not real?
Would she regret the things he had done?
If after all of this, i will be gone.

Lost in addictions
And my own sorrow
My whole life a fiction,
With no tomorrow.

I write this words for me to remember
That i was once a child as well.
About what happened this December
And that i went through hell.
This one is one of my drafts, i decided to finish it. It's basically a message to my future self but i wanted to post it anyway.
682 · Dec 2024
I'm sorry, mother
Kaiden Dec 2024
I'm sorry, mother
For being a failure.

I'm sorry, mother,
For leaving you.

I'm sorry, mother,
For not being the perfect child you wished i was.

I'm sorry, mother,
For giving up at such a young age.

I'm sorry, mother,
For not being you.
I'm sorry.
591 · Nov 2024
My imaginary world
Kaiden Nov 2024
I
Am
Not
Okay
'Cause
They're
Going to
Find a way
To capture
Us both and i
Will have to
Run away to
A special
Setting
That is
Just a
Land
All
In
I
.
First time writing something like this, I NEED TO FIX UP MY VOCABULARY..
(also, the last word would be "me" but it didnt fit)
568 · Jan 7
Test subject
Kaiden Jan 7
Needles injected into my body,
Machines everywhere,
The concerned nurses whispering to each other.
The tests and
The forgotten fear of needles,
Define my existence.
I am a test subject,
Nothing wrong but nothing right.
And they will continue
Until it's too late.
Since i was a child i had really bad dizziness and sometimes fainting, all of that getting worse over time. Since i was 12 ive been getting multiple tests but no one knows what's wrong. I literally got used to needles (i used to have panic attacks just seeing them). I feel like a ******* test subject.
522 · Jan 5
Death's lullaby
Kaiden Jan 5
Shut your eyes,
Fall into the pain's tight embrace,
And go to sleep.
Forget the lies,
At a tiring pace,
The very few memories to keep.

The monster's gone,
But is it true?
You think you won,
But the monster is you.

So shut your eyes,
Fall into pain's tight embrace,
And go to sleep.
Forget the lies,
At a tiring pace,
The very few memories to keep.
Kinda proud of this one. But now, shut your eyes, fall into pain's tight embrace...
507 · Dec 2024
A broken artist
Kaiden Dec 2024
A broken artist doesn't **** you in their mind,
Doesn't rip the pictures apart, wishing it was you, no.
A broken artist will let you live forever,
As the worst of the worst punishments.

They might make you an entire new person,
Let you into their world,
In their notebook
Or canvas.

You'll be cared about
As equally as despised.
For them to tell you one day,
"This character was based off of you".
I often base my characterss off real people, mostly the bad ones. For example, a character based off my stepfather plays a giant role in the story, it's pretty well written but it's also one of my most hated characters.
Kaiden Mar 27
I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
Maybe a bit too much.
Maybe a bit too often,
With those depressing words and such.

I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
Carefully chose every word.
Desperately trying to tell you,
That to me you meant the whole world.

I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
It almost felt like a crime.
Put my pen down like a weapon,
And glance at you one last time.
i wrote way too many of those
480 · Nov 2024
Colors
Kaiden Nov 2024
If good is white
And bad is black
Then i am colorblind
YES I KNOW COLOR BLINDNESS DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT..
444 · Jan 30
Change
Kaiden Jan 30
One they stopped
Going to the playground
But you stayed.

One day they stopped listening
To their parents
Yet you obeyed.

The others grew up
When you did not.

For them it was nothing,
For you it was a lot.
Apparently some people might feel/act like they're a bit younger because their brain had to focus on surviving instead of developing properly.
426 · Nov 2024
That one winter day
Kaiden Nov 2024
And i'm going to walk
Far, far away
Walk and die alone
Die and decay

They're not going to care about me anyway
But they're going to remember
That one winter day
I wrote this when i was 12, kinda concerning lol
424 · Dec 2024
Fake
Kaiden Dec 2024
You can paint your face with makeup
Hide the insecurities
But you always stay the same underneath
There are really toxic girls in my class, all of them obsessed with makeup, using it to obviously make themselves feel pretty. I think this poem has two meanings, one is the toxic girls, the other is that no matter how well you mask, you always stay the same.
405 · Dec 2024
..
Kaiden Dec 2024
..
I loved you
But you threw me away
As always
369 · Apr 22
Reading my life
Kaiden Apr 22
Reading my life
In tears
The past 2 years of my pain
At exactly 11:52pm
Contemplating every decision,
Every tiny detail
That shaped me into this failure.
i'm so sorry.
369 · Nov 2024
Not enough
Kaiden Nov 2024
She was a child but
"what was she wearing?"

"men have their needs"

"your body my choice"

"You asked for it"

"you made that up"

"i bet it wasnt even that bad"


Yet you complain when you get a cold
The painful reality of SA survivors
363 · Apr 8
Letters
Kaiden Apr 8
Written by tge hands if pain,
Thr decaying corpse of your being,
The kind that makes you wonder
Why you weren't enough.
I guess i wasn't enough
361 · Nov 2024
Warm water
Kaiden Nov 2024
"Yeah, i had a pretty normal childhood"

You used to beg your mother to let you wash the dishes
Because it was the only way you could warm up your hands.
I hate doing the dishes but frostbite is worse
357 · Apr 6
THE note
Kaiden Apr 6
Goodbye.
What else should i say?
It's better for me to go,
Than to suffer and stay.

You probably wouldn't care anyway,
Just read this and throw it away,
I wrote it like it was a story,
And for that i am truly sorry.
pretty much how my suicide notes looked like, but as a poem
354 · Mar 27
Dot
Kaiden Mar 27
Dot
In a million different people
Disappears a dot.
One second im alive,
The other i'm not.
not feeling too good rn
352 · Nov 2024
Poetry
Kaiden Nov 2024
Poetry,
The language that only we,
The freaks of the world
Understand.
Another one i wrote when i was 12-13 years old, i had an entire binder for my writing and it had a paper sticker on it that obviously said "writing", this short poem was hidden on the other side, only to be seen when the sticker is taken off.
350 · Apr 22
Let me go
Kaiden Apr 22
Break this bond between me and earth,
Let me go forever underground,
Far, far away from the pain and hurtful words,
From the toxic embrace of your hate.
suicidal af rn
332 · Nov 2024
It was never
Kaiden Nov 2024
The mentall ilness was never an excuse

The abuse was never discipline

The yelling was never making us stronger

The boys never hit us because they liked us

The victims were never attention-seekers

We were never who we seemed to be
Nothing is ever as it seems
326 · Mar 7
Suicide
Kaiden Mar 7
you try to Survive,
jUst hold on a little longer,
not wanting to stay alIve,
Crying, but trying to be stronger.
i thInk you know how it fells,
Dying to never cry,
dying to not be alone,
despite the fact that you diE
Connect the dots
325 · Mar 4
<3
Kaiden Mar 4
<3
I may not know you
But i know you so well.
Know you've been in heaven,
But also through hell.
And everything between,
Inside and beyond.
With so many things you have seen.
And no one to bond.


(with)
Writing at 6am, on a train is... Interesting, to say at least.
324 · Nov 2024
The broke(n) artist
Kaiden Nov 2024
He sat on the cold, wooden floor,
His only source of light a dim lamp outside
He was shivering from the cold but that didn't matter
As long as his words were given life

The quiet sound of the pen hitting the paper
The notebook being the only thing he owned
Yet so treasured
A portal to the past

Some pages were torn
Seen as useless
But so truly beautiful
As they gave character to the brown notebook filled with nonsense

Exhausted with his work
He fell asleep in the middle of a word
The pen slowly tracing a line down the page
Only for it to be found, another reason to shame the boy
For that he is different
Some of us start young (this one feels so unfinished tbh)
324 · Jan 10
Dear mother
Kaiden Jan 10
I love you,
So continue to live your life
Without me.
Sometimes it's better to leave them
320 · Dec 2024
Quiet kid
Kaiden Dec 2024
In every class,
Every place,
There is a child that's oddly quiet.
As the child grows up, they begin to change,
Growing more and more distant from reality.

They sit there emotionlessly,
Living their dream life in their own universe.
It's quite sad others can't see it.

Sometimes, imagination dissapears along with childhood innocence.
A child that can't play is no longer a child.
Some children are smarter than adults
That's why people belittle them.
They can't stand the thought of someone being superior to them.

Be a child as long as you can.
You'll regret it if you don't.
Wrote this during geography class
307 · Mar 4
Path
Kaiden Mar 4
Following the path
Written ahead
Not realizing
It's all in my head.
Imaginary world anyone?
299 · Jan 19
Perfect child
Kaiden Jan 19
Good grades,

Clean clothes,

Obedient behavior.

Perfect child.

So why do you hurt them so much?
You do everything they want but they still have a problem.
Kaiden Feb 6
A poet that can't write,
An artist that can't draw.
I know that with my life
I won't get too far.

I wake up every morning,
Blinded by the light.
Working all day long,
Crying every night.

Scared of my stepfather,
Scared of the whole world.
I would escape from here,
If i only could.

A young little soul
But with so much pain.
And if i die soon,
Please remember my name.
(**** i was selfish lol)
This is the very first poem i wrote. It's terrible but i felt like sharing it here.
292 · Jan 19
The feeling after
Kaiden Jan 19
They talk about the act,

But never the feeling after.

They don't talk about the guilt,

The blood sticking to your sleeve.

The cleaning up after

Or the simple lack of it.

They don't talk about people asking,

And you saying it's because of the cat,

Half a million times.
A lot of people forgets that it's not just "cutting for fun", it's a bunch of other stuff.
#sh
291 · Nov 2024
Dissapointment
Kaiden Nov 2024
And in front of a mirror,
here i stand
holding a blade
in my shaky hand.
Tears from my eyes forming small streams
i might be broken, or at least, it seems

It seems that something is wrong with me
But..-i ask myself- what would that be?
The blade drops to the ground
Leaving behind a quiet sound
That soon gets shushed by another one

Footsteps.

My dear mother looks my wrist
I try to say "i'm sorry" but the words wont come out of my mouth

Silence.

Silence louder than any other note.
Yet so quiet.

A sound breaks the tension.
The same footsteps, yet different.
Footsteps of dissapointment.

I'm a mistake.
Took a break from writing, finally coming back (i literally forgot thta i have an account on HP..)
291 · Nov 2024
Numb
Kaiden Nov 2024
Who thought that
Numbness can hurt so much?
Proof that nothing is something
286 · Nov 2024
Different
Kaiden Nov 2024
Evening
A small child walking through the almost empty streets
You know this child very well
Or at least you think so
The child always wears long sleeves
Losing their happiness along with their youth

A child with dead eyes
A child with the stare of an adult
Yet a weak personality
That could be crushed with a single word

They used to be the happiest child in the classroom
Yet now they sit alone
A freak to the society
Because they're different

Maybe being different is bad sometimes
It appears that not every child is happy
279 · Jan 29
Swing
Kaiden Jan 29
A childish object
Lifting you
Up and down.

The air surrounding you
Like a cold but comforting embrace.
Up and down.

The wind ruffling your hair
Like a loving mother's hand would.
Up and down.

Your only friend
That won't ever leave you.
You leave it first.
Up and down.
I think we left swings too early
273 · Dec 2024
Sanity
Kaiden Dec 2024
Don't let yourself lose your sanity
Because if you do
There's no turning back
Again, one of the older ones, i also wote it in cursive for some reason..
257 · Dec 2024
Small world
Kaiden Dec 2024
One writer knows another
Who knows one known by the first

Small world, isn't it?
No idea if it even makes sense, came up with this one at 6:30am going to school
255 · Mar 11
He saw them
Kaiden Mar 11
The poems.
The old, brown notebook,
Filled with all of my secrets,
Big and small,
Coded into poetry.
My brother found my poems.. strangely enough, he liked them
247 · 3d
give up.
Kaiden 3d
i gave up,
took the sharpener out of the drawer,
resetted the streak.
it's pointless,
the addiction scarred my mind
like the blade scarred my skin,
the wetness of the blood
and feeling of the skin opening
won't leave me like the people in my life did
so they're good, are they not?
i can quite literally feel myself becoming less functional every single day and i honestly dont know how long i can stay here
244 · Mar 7
Name on my wrist
Kaiden Mar 7
I wrote your name on my wrist,
All the things that we have lost,
I hated seeing you like this,
Depression gone, but at what cost?

I wrote your name on my wrist,
Only to slice right through,
You were on top of the list
Yet you never had a clue.

I wrote your name on my wrist,
Knowing it wouldn't last,
But i rewrite it sometimes,
Not letting go of the past.
My best friend (and crush) wont be able to text until summer because he got really suicidal and can't handle that much stuff at once :(
243 · Nov 2024
Far
Kaiden Nov 2024
Far
As the darkness surrounds my room
I type unspeakable words
To the only one that cares,
Yet he can't be here

The pain of being attached to something
You can't see
Or hear
The craving of his touch
That's way too far to reach you

You see the words on the screen
Yet you feel so alone
He cares, and you know that
But does he really?

I drop my phone
As i lay down, staring at the pretty white ceiling
Counting each second closer to our goal
I might be young but one thing i know for sure

Love is complicated
Long distance relationships are beautiful, yet hard
240 · Nov 2024
Mud puddle
Kaiden Nov 2024
It was once clean
Filled with clear rain water
Mirroring your reflection
People not noticing its beauty
Stomped on it

Corrupted it with their shoes
The clear puddle was now brown
And *****
Small children wanted to play with it
But their mothers refused, as it was too filthy

But weren't they the reason the puddle was *****?
The children haven't done anything wrong
Yet they blame someone else
For what they have not done

And the puddle was left alone
Sad
With no one to admire it
And slowly but surely
It evaporated
Only to be replaced over and over again
240 · Feb 19
A poet's last poem
Kaiden Feb 19
A poet's last poem.
Death's lullaby.
Words forever forgotten,
To be discovered,
And never understood.
I felt like this one would make a good 100th poem. Not perfect but whatever :3
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