I held on while I let you go; and darling if that's not love I don't know what to do.
When you walked away I only told you one lie and that was that I hated you.
That lie was true only on the surface because deep in my heart, darling, it split me in two.
I'm still in love, despite my best efforts; you're beyond me while I'm in my own noose.
Staring at a map, I cross the distance with my fingers and understand there is no use.
Life has made it's own plans for what became of us, and darling, love is always askew.

Collect washed out colors
To put in my pocket
As a keepsake with no value
Fenced in for safety
Peculiar things that I let in
Thoughts not my own
I resent them like the fireplace
Who's flames took my secrets
But I threw them in
It's the only thing in this house
To have changed in years
Why?
I hold the past for peace
Yet if I forget
There are ghosts that will avenge

When I stare at mirrors
My eyes disrobe the lies
And shadows of my mind
Til I'm left with emotions
Creaking on worn floorboards
Stepping into a noose
Kicking the insecurity out
And waiting to find out
If I died
Or was set free

For the briefest of moments, I met an angel;
She held stargazing eyes
And held in her hands, belief;
That things aren't always what they appear;
And I believe there was a smile on her face,
Though one was not on her lips.
Maybe one day we'll all be okay
And she'll be healed and held together,
Not by scars but by love.
One day perhaps,
We'll all be okay.

To those who have walked away when
I gave everything
I forgive you

To those I have hurt when I sunk too deep
I am so very sorry
I seek your forgiveness

To every vacated prayer I have prayed
I have weak faith
and many sins

To the year that has tortured me
I will come up swinging
I will not bow

just a brick out of the wall
a pebble falling down a hillside
a raindrop in the levy
a whisper of wavering trust
and im on my knees
waiting to see who will win
my faith
or
my shotgun

The flower of love I will let go//
to unfold in the wind//
to blossom elsewhere//
All has been said//
None have been true//
Walls and towers built//
over a hundred wood crosses//

Flowing velvet worn to rugged//
Snatched away by life and death//
this doesn't feel like home anymore//
this isn't my home//
Desperation holds the nostrils shut//
& ***** the air out of our lungs//
We settle for none// and love even less//

a sigh will suffice
despite the noise i wish to say
heaviness holds the words down
so silent memories will have to do

Open the cuts on my soul again//
to make sure the pain hurts the way I remember it//
Darling it's all I have left//
You a̶r̶e̶  were my addiction//

I tried to erase y̶o̶u̶  it but I just//
scratched the vinyl & carved your name on the walls//
so I'd never forget but//
always need//

If you would just talk to me
I have words
but
I don't think they're worth speaking
Poetically muted, I'm on pause
Take a breath
Take a second
It's fine
I'm fine
Just a normal response
to my love
Is to become
Discarded

Well these days I'm not fine
Sitting and staring at flowers that aren't mine
Breathing a breeze that smells of seawater
Thinking of my heart beneath those distant waves

I need someone but no one can help me
Everyone says to "get some help please"
What does that look like through my lenses?I

Help for you is not help for me
Help for them is not help you you
Help for me is a mystery

Shrouded and ambiguous
It flies like migrating birds far beyond my reach

You should believe in love, girl
One day it's going to find you
Love will say your name
and you're going to fall

It's going to be okay

When it's real and unmoving
At your side when you're low
Love will say your name
and girl, you're going to fall

It's okay

All I write are empty pages filled with words
Trying to let out demons I locked in
To convey that I'm not okay
I'm broken inside
Nothing helps
I'm alone
I'm dying
Drowning
Nothing helps
I can't stop the pain anymore
Peace is just the time between waves of pain
Everything that is good that steps into my life
Gets taken away from me
Pushed out the door
So I'm sorry
I'm sorry
For being alone
For dying
For drowning
In thoughts not my own
I'm broken
Please leave me alone
You don't want to see me like this
You don't
Please go
please...

There is a fear resting on this brain
Fear of obsolescence too young
Use used up too early
Spidering across my mind's eye
It is
Unsettling
To be old at a young age
In body & mind
The mirror shows your youth but
Cannot discover the years within
Everyone says "You're so young you have your whole life ahead of you!"
(It's such an oxymoron, your whole life is only ever behind you... If people cared to think they would learn this)

Young
young
y o u n g
Is it just a number?
Do I have to bury friends and family before I'm considered old?
Where is the invisible threshold that I must have passed when I was a child? Or a teen?
I haven't pocketed my third decade but my
HEART
                    is
HEAVY

I long to die but I'm scared to die so I just want to die so I stop thinking about death all the time. People will get over me.
If I'm (un)lucky my words won't be remembered
Most words are memories we want to forget
Yet we write them down
To the deep parts of our souls
Etch them in our marble foundations
Hoping out dreams will show them some nights
But I want to forget it all

I'm old ******
If you don't believe me ask my friends
If you don't believe them ask the dead
If you don't believe them stop reading
Because you were never listening in the first place
Just waiting for your turn to talk
To say I'm nonsensical
To eNcOuRaGe mE to lOoK fOrWaRd
When forward doesn't exist yet
By the time it does it's just more minutes
Stacked on my back
Days stacked on my back
Months stacked
Years stacked
Until you call me old
and I tell you I've been here the whole time

(You just chose not to believe)

friends that i've lost
i remember you in my heart
your graves stand tall and polished

promises
   that you wouldn't leave
promises
   that what we had meant something

i hate every time you go
without even a goodbye
it hurts more and more inside

promises
   don't mean much anymore
promises
   are an untold lie

someone take this damaged soul
i have no need for it anymore
just let me die under this moon

Noun, verb, adjective
Pronoun, proper noun
Determiner, exclamation
Interjection
It can do it all
Tastes like vitriol
High on the anger
     (or high on the pleasure)
Sharp as a broken stone
Fits the bill on any occasion
Censored, painted over, blotted out
Doesn't matter to me
I love the word "****"

scared to touch
these feelings
so I'll just watch them
float away
like a bubble
wonder about life
being alone
so used to it
but so uncomfortable
pity the mirror that reflects me
who wants to be scared
who wants to be alone
who makes the choice I made
to amputate your own heart
sometimes I still play make believe
except this time
my bed is a casket
not a pirate ship
and I won't have to get up
tomorrow morning
and face the same day
that was faced yesterday
and today
I'm worn to my bones
my bones worn to marrow
cannot stand anymore
so just sit on the floor
weak
weeping quietly
should I drink or should I ****
I hide both from the ones I love
until the feelings disappear
and let in the jealousy
that they get to float away
while I stay grounded
too scared to
let it all go

Yes, I lost her
But the pain I gained losing her
Was worth every second she was in my life
The broken heart in this chest
Holds the ghost of her tightly
And this heart
Remembers
All

Lamenting the light that has left this domicile/
Love has lain down never to rise again/
Lost in the liquid anguish of empty bottles/
Lust bid farewell in a rose stained casket/
Laced in black with pale skin never to touch again/
Loneliness holds me close to her/
Lurid faces meet my peaceful sleep/
Loss is the one thing I know I have/
Life's lyrics looted and left barren...

Run away//
Run away//
From the alarm clock that breaks your rest//
Run away//
From the pains held in your chest//
A life unblessed//
From blessings you subvert//
Run away//
From the love you invert//
Run away//
Run away//
Run//
Away//

a year
in its entirety
since my heart
turned to glass
burned
like a silver comet
plummeting
to drown in the sea
sunk to the depths
lost
as if it were a message
placed in a bottle
it's gone
just a shadow of what was
a single vein
a string
nothing more
just numbered days
that i should have let go of
a long time ago...

When the waves no longer crashed against the beach
The sand was sad and missed the sea
& from the dry desert an oasis was born
Born from tears the sand had wept
The oasis gave life to the travellers thirsty and alone
Even to the animals and carnivores
Yet none could ever stay for it was not their home
Alone the oasis gave itself to the sky
To be a cloud that travels far and wide
To seek the sea he utterly missed
Leaving rain and blooming flowers in his path
A river, an ocean, but he could not find her
So he looked behind at all he created
All those he saved
He asked himself "What is it worth if I haven't her?"
& in a moment he was gone
The cloud gave himself to the scorching sun
All that remained was a rainbow
Beautiful image of passing on

please just let these wounds bleed/
razor blades across my brain/
razor blades across my brain/
over and over again/
counterfeit feelings and choked out dreams/
all im asking is you let me bleed/
let me breathe/
scream for air in a silent scare/
razor blades across my brain/
razor blades across my brain/
tired eyes and a poured out heart/
stop living and just survive after ive died/
nonsense is my language of choice/
a voice alone in the dark corner of my/
razor blades across my brain/
razor blades across my brain/

Settled for this setting
but wanted more
all I got
was war war war

The "righteous" stoning
breaking every bone
all their poison
sown and grown and I groan

This building  was to be holy
but this place is lonely
cold
wholly unholy

Am I at any point better
to call the church a fetter?
silent judgments
& this severed letter

All of these raw words won't save me
These friends can't save me
I'm craving for help
Let me leave my past on a shelf
To gather dust and be forgotten
So I can allow my forgiveness
& be free at last

You never knew why I loved you & I would always give a cliche answer about how only you can be you

That's true

But also loving you I found out that loving myself wasn't too bad
That loving you made loving myself worth it

When I had that shotgun in my lap I had all my trauma right on the surface
Things I couldn't change, or maybe I could
I don't know

I couldn't stop my dad from seeing prostitutes just like I couldn't stop my mom from hitting him for four hours

I couldn't stop my friends from killing themselves, except maybe for her
Everyone says it's not my fault
But
If I was the only thing she was living for
Why is she dead?

These are the thoughts in my head just like the last time I spoke to you
Here I am with the same thoughts once again
But with no shotgun
And no you

Because the thing I didn't want you to hear
The thing I didn't want to face
Was that I was dying loving you
Because you didn't love me
So I wasn't worth loving myself
I was better off dead

So I write to the memory I have of you
Again
To tell you I'm so sorry
I made our friendship the guardrail against the cliff of my despair
It was unfair to you
Two years and a hollowed out heart has changed me
Changed my thoughts about you & I
I still love you
Even when you never loved me
I pray you are free
I hope you're in love
And maybe you think of me
Our memories
Its all okay
I'm okay

Rejection is a wound nobody is immune to
Its taste is sour and bitter
It makes your gums bleed

Rejection is always by your side
But never is a friend
But never is a lover

Rejection chases away sobriety
Looking to stop the pain
Looking to fill the void

Rejection pushes trust out of your life
Whispers that she's all you'll need
& makes you go deaf to the world

I see all these blank pages of my future and I tear them to shreds//
I only want to live in the pages of my past//
I only wanted it to last//
For her to last//
I don't wish it was different just that I had done things differently//
Maybe it'd end the same, but not knowing hurts//
Not trying hurts//
Somewhere I stopped trying to grow and only tried to control//
I was just a boy in a man's frame//
Yet I knew how to love her//
I still love her//
But she's gone like the ashes of a wildfire//
Alone I still sing of her//
Empty, echoing, loneliness//
It is my new peace//

Still at this hour I love you, when sleep removes itself from me.
In the dark I let my mind visit us when we were young, happy, unsoiled by the reality that life would strain and break us.

Early April of 2012 I remember the weekend we spent almost entirely on each other's company. Mostly just talking, knowing each other. Just a few weeks before your birthday and I learned you hated gifts. I miss learning about you. Always missing you.

With all honesty not a day has passed when you haven't come into my mind and heart since we last spoke. Always praying it's not the last time we will have spoken but I know in my heart it is true.

I understand why. But I still love you. And I'm always telling you I'm sorry when we meet in my head. I never wanted to hurt you. Just needed to be needed. I'm a selfish man and I'm sorry I never told you that. I was too young to understand you and too self absorbed to look beyond me.

This is always as far as I get, talking with you in my head. I can neither bear your rejection, nor your forgiveness. So I close my eyes and wish I could hug you. And I start over again...

Still at this hour I love you, when sleep removes itself from me...

I lust for the things I do not need
Chaining myself to these sorrows of sins
I pray without seeking forgiveness
Hating those evil men whom pray louder

I am pride, I am hubris, I am blind
Honesty died long ago in my youth
I am a twisted and cursed creature
Painted with a disarming masquerade

I am what You hate, I am two-face
Walking in darkness and claiming light
I love adultery and hate Your Love
Lord I am sorry... Lord I am sorry

What is there to write
when the heart knows neither love nor heartbreak?

The loneliness gets to me
& when I get lost I know how not to be found

The love gets to me
& when I give freely I know I'll stand alone

The pain gets to me
& ... I no longer know how to hold it back anymore

Quiet breathing overshadowed by a pounding heart
leaves my ears deafened and I slowly fall apart

Weakened with extra haste to die and find peace
clay ankles weren't meant to hold a heart of stone

A heart selfless at one time but given too freely
to the wolves that desire only the flesh

Now I sit with loneliness and reminisce
about the lovers that were eventually a lie

Now I sit with loneliness and confess
there is no more heart for me to give