Today is January 1st, wednesday, 3:48 pm. Hi, i just got home from grandma's/ We ate menudo and she had alot of food. Oh and happy new year. It feels the same i guess. I'm just on my bed. I'll probably just play a game. um i'll write later i guess. - 3:53 pm, E.C
    Um. I'm crying so much. I wanna cut so bad. I cant do this. Please help. I cant. I just cant. I wanna be gone. Just like bubba (my brother) said. I'm an embarassment. A disappointment. Why me Jesus. Why. WHY. I wanna cry but nenas in here. I can't take it much longer. I have to cut. I'm sorry.
   It's dark. I don't know where my knife is.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep.  I HATE MYSELF.
-8:28 pm, E.C.

random words filter with each beat
pushing through the webs spun
fine silk
coarse wire
the heart being the seed.

I am one of many
Small branches of a broken tree,
Always looking to the ones above
For guidance, strength and security.
One little branch trying
To keep the others from breaking away.
Who will fall?
And who will stay?
Now I stand alone,
Looking at the earth through the rain,
And I see the broken branches I knew
Scattered about me in pain.
There are those who have taken an ax
To the root of our very foundation
And who have passed this destruction
Down to every new generation.
If I could take that ax,
I would toss it deep into the sea,
Never to return again
To harm the generations that follow me.
I am one of many,
But alone I will go
And plant the new seeds
Where a beautiful tree will grow.

If I could change one thing it wouldn't be famine, poverty, hunger, or greed.
It's not to bring world peace, or stop hate or end slavery.
Not because I don't think these are problems, they are.
It's not that I don't think they need to change, they do.
But our problem, the world's problem, is much smaller.
And yet it is so much bigger.
Money, war, race, religion, hate.
They're all part of the problem,
But the root is not the things, It's the people.
It's you.
And it's me.
So thats where I'm going to start.
Like MJ "I'm startin' with the man in the mirror."
If I can change myself I can change anything.
After all the first step to recovery is admitting.
I need to change myself,
Before I work on anyone else.
When people ask me if I could change one thing
I just say one thing. ME.
This seems to confuse people.
They always think im asking "me?"
But I'm not.
I know that they expect some book answer.
Like "Poverty." "War." or  "Global warming."
But that's not what needs to change.
I do. You do. We do.
Because nothing changes by itself.
It requires action.
You don't see trees fight back against lumberjacks.
Or oil spills clean themselves up.
Or poor countries finance their own loans.
It just doesn't happen.
In order for something to start working,
For things to change,
I need to change myself,
Change my ways.
What about you?
What will you do?

Some feelings are shallow, some feelings are deep.
Some make us smile, some make us weep.

Some we love, some we don't.
Some we'll savor, some we won't.

Some grounding, some uplifting,
Some long-lasting, some constantly shifting.

No matter what feelings I'm feeling today,
I know tomorrow is only a day away.

A hero to me is not just a person who died for their country
or went inside a burning building or stuff like that.
A hero to me is a single mother who survives every day by herself,
A teenager against all odds getting through life,
An alcoholic walking into a rehab center,
A father being not just a father
but a friend, caregiver, supporter, a brick wall for his kids.
A friend, who no matter what or how wrong you are,
stands up for you and takes your side.
A hero, who no matter how hard they are being hit or pushed or beat down,
no matter how bad they are emotionally or physically or psychologically,
they stand up and keep going.
They push through the pain of life, love, kids, work, school, drugs,
sports, parents, heartbreak, alcohol; that to me is a hero.
A person who isn't just there, but is there living, breathing, and surviving.

A family is like a circle.
The connection never ends,
and even if at times it breaks,
in time it always mends.

A family is like the stars.
Somehow they're always there.
Families are those who help,
who support and always care.

A family is like a book.
The ending's never clear,
but through the pages of the book,
their love is always near.

A family is many things.
With endless words that show
who they are and what they do
and how they teach you so you know.

But don't be weary if it's broken
or if through time it's been so worn.
Families are like that -
they're split up and always torn.

But even if this happens,
your family will always be.
They help define just who you are
and will be a part of you eternally.

Do not weep for me, for I will soon be gone.
My body may die, but my soul will live on.
Perhaps up to heaven, maybe eternity,
or be reborn as another, when I am set free.

Do not weep for me, for I will soon be gone.
I was a survivor since my first breath was drawn.
I loved and was loved by animals and man,
siblings, friends, and strangers since my life began.

I was blessed with a father who taught me well,
to live this life on earth as a heaven, not hell.
A mother who taught me to stand on my feet,
a faith that anchored me, all strangers to greet.

If you fear dying, you'll not live a full life,
as pain and dread will cut through like a knife.
Live each day with joy while you're here on this earth;
make each day count, with compassion and mirth.

Do not weep for me, for I will soon be gone,
my body may die, but my soul will live on.
I leave all of you with my love, and I pray
that our souls will touch once again someday.

Friends are far, friends are near.
Friends will be there to lend an ear.
They listen, laugh, and care,
But most of all, they're always there.

Through thick and thin, up and down,
Your true friends are always around.
For treats, hugs, and real big smiles,
They'll travel to you from several miles.

They'll always be there to hold you tight.
Anytime, no matter if it's day or night.
You really know when your friends are sincere
When they always show up to lend their ear.

HOW
After all these years
After all these  years.
HOW
Do I still feel the same
HOW
After all these years
After all these  years.
NOTHING
Nothing has changed
I almost forgot I was always messed up like this
I wonder
HOW
Have I managed to drown
DROWN
The voices
The pain
HOW
HOW
After all these years
After all these  years.
HOW
Do I still feel the same...

He doesn’t even hear the phone.
His skin is melted to the  bone.
Flicking lighters, getting higher.
He awaits to beg the buyer
To get more, to get more,
His body aches and then it’s sore.
It’s the rush, it’s the sting
All the comfort that it brings
Til it’s gone, til it’s ceased
To his knees. Amen. Now, peace.
Carry on. This isn’t real.
Keep the secret. That’s the deal.
I’ll keep quiet. I will hide it.
I will do my best to fight it.
But the horse is at the water,
I am the lamb and this is slaughter.

I'm fooling myself in this game called life,
so I go to pick up a knife.
Why does being happy have to hurt?

While I'm trapped inside this prison of pain,
my eyes slowly begin to rain.
Who will come save me before it's too late?

I feel the metal freeing my skin,
though the metal is a piece of tin.
Why is no one here to help?

I feel the blood drip from my thigh to the floor.
I cry while I lie down on all four.
Does anyone even care that I am ripped open?

In the morning, my mother calls my name.
Well, to me, this was no game.
I'm sorry, I'm already gone.

Everyone tells me I'm gorgeous
That I have stunning features to die for,
But I must have gone blind,
Because I can't see them anymore.

When I know they're being honest,
I still think it's a lie,
I look into the mirror
I'm so ugly I want to cry.

I see a disabled person,
Or someone who's lost their arm or knee,
I see much potential in them
But can't see it in me.

Why is it my vision is impaired?
And I can't marvel at what others view
Why do I contend with myself
And see so much beauty in you?

Look into my eyes
and tell me what you see.
Do you see a reckless girl
or someone depressed at 13?

Do you dare see the tears
that spread across my skin?
Do you see all my losses
or the very few I win?

If you dare to touch my hand,
will you feel my softness
or will you feel the calluses
from burns and feeling-less?

Do you see unflawed youth,
or do you see a broken child?
Do you see all my pain,
or do you see me just as wild?

Can you tell I'm screaming
out for help I need?
Or am I just the silence of
the whistling wind without heed?

Look into these eyes
and peer into my soul.
Tell me, what do you see?
Am I broken or am I whole?

The plates will still shift
and the clouds will still spew.
The sun will slowly rise
and the moon will follow too.

Life’s beauty will continue
to flourish all around,
but now you are gone,
these birds have no sound.

And my heart does not beat.
It is still inside my chest.
My tears keep on falling
and my head will not rest.

But I have no choice only
to move through this life.
Endlessly attempting
to fill this longing that is rife.

This is how we deal with things
Red, blue, purple, green
Splashes of paint against the canvas of life
Leaving our marks in the world

Black

The color of tragedy and of growth
Growing from the ground we walk on
Criticism taken; a better artist created

Yellow

Stereotypical isn’t it?
Of happiness and life
But also of illness, of worry, and flowers in the waiting room
There’s another streak on the canvas
How many more before it’s filled?

Aqua

Drinking and paint water
Vital to life
There’s a calmness around aqua
That makes you feel at peace,
A false sense of serenity created

Purple

For too many thoughts inside our heads
We can’t get them all out
Confusion, royalty, and pride
Pride in knowing that we’re contributing to society
And confusion on how to put it out there
Another streak on the canvas

Magenta

A confusing color, magenta
An equal mix of similar colors – pink and red
Happiness and anger
Or the colors of the flowers next to a grave
Perhaps of the bike next to a coffee shop
that you go on your first date

Green

We’re taught to love green
The color of money, of nature, of all good things
And the color of the carpet at your grandma’s house
The difference you made there
The color of a soldier’s uniform before going to battle
More streaks go on the canvas

Look where you are now
A beautiful concoction of colors, of experiences
That otherwise wouldn’t have existed without the bad moments
Look in the mirror; you’ve changed lives
Congratulations artist

Another masterpiece created

Every time I see the pain in your eyes
A little part of my heart dies
All I seem to do is cold
While I fail to cherish, fail to hold
I fail to put you first
You act your best, I act my worst
My mouth contradicts my heart
My thoughts and actions are so far apart
I drive myself mad at how stupid I am
For risking your love offhand
I bare my soul and heart
To say sorry for what I have taken part
I’m ashamed at what I have put you through
I just hope I can eventually make it up to you

Amongst the midnight sky,
I stare at a rose as it dies.

Its pedals are torn and bruised,
such a precious thing to lose.

Yet, when I stare into the full moon,
I see that it will be daytime soon.

When I hear a girl's sorrowful cries,
I know that a new rose begins to arise.

Those pedals are lush and red,
nowhere close to being dead.

And as I find her inside my heart,
I know that I am not falling apart.

I finally realize who I really am,
it definitely took some time but, ****.

It was all worth it in the end.

Simple Sam was a simple man.
He lived each day by a simple plan.
Enjoy your life and live while you can.
Make each day count and take a stand.

Stand on the left or stand on the right,
Whichever one you think is right.
Live each day as if your last.
Life's too short and gone too fast.

Sun's out, the water gleams,
A vibrant lure of summer dreams.
But in the closet, hangs a dread,
A whisper from inside your head.
The bathing suit, a tiny span,
A mirror reflecting a flawed plan.
Each stretch mark, every curve and line,
Becomes a subject, far from divine.
The whispers grow, a judging choir.
Unable to do what my heart desires.

Be brave.
You already are.
Look at what you've made it through.
The wounds of your past have healed.
The seemingly endless chapter has ended,
And those bruises have faded.
The battle, you survived,
And you are still here.
Be brave.

I didn’t understand my beauty inside
so I cried such fountains from my eyes
nobody knows about my thoughts
And the scars on my body
from the people who taunt
I could only cope with the relief
With all my surrounding grief
It’s hard to stop once I’d begun
Although it hurts more knowing what I’d done
Nobody understands so they just shout
That makes me feel worthless, about myself with doubt
What will make them listen?
Without a fight
After all it saves me another malicious ****** night
So this poem is ending
I need to find an alternative
From the sharp tools across my skin
And hopefully I will find my beauty within

You have to be young
to disappear…
and healthy enough
to fall into the cracks
of a new tomorrow

You have to be young
to isolate…
and strong enough
to brave the winter
of a new becoming

Growing up i looked up
to you.
You showed me what it was like to be brave.
But that one day, you chose to mess it all up.
"Come to my room, lets watch a movie."
Little did I know , I was about to be violated in my own home.
"Give me a hug"
But oh this was no hug, i wish I would'e known.
How could i have been so DUMB.
"Oh its not my fault" I say, I was too young.
The feeling of your touch down there.
"This doesn't feel right.."
" i don't care"
Nena walked in, "What the hell are yall doing??"
"He said to give him a hug" I said
That night, we got a stern talking to.
"Don't ever do that again"
Was that it? All you had to say?
I had felt like my innocence had been taken away.
Years later, there's not a day that goes by
where i don't think of that traumatizing, long-lasting memory of mine.
Maybe I'm just overreacting.
Or maybe, you should've taken action.
I'll never feel the same again.

Beginning to realize I'm in deep
Inside my head, I'm so hard to reach
Pushing my emotions in different directions
Obviously so very out of control
Lost in a place that I once called home
Anxiously waiting, constantly debating
Running in circles, not sure what to do
Desperate for relief, afraid what I'll lose
Increasing triggered as each day passes
Sorry for all those around me, after thought
Opening angry for what I've become
Ready to end it and forget what once was
Dreading each morning, dragging myself out
Eager for silence, my mind is so loud
Reaching for release, before I finally succumb to my doubts

I've never wished for fortunes,
I've always prayed for better things.
I'm happy and contented,
Never wanting to live like a king or queen.

I've never craved for riches.
Why should I waste my time?
Possessions are only borrowed.
All I want is peace of mind.

Money can't buy you happiness
Or make your dreams unfold.
Your loved ones are your wealth,
Not pockets filled with gold.

As long as there's food on the table,
A roof above my head,
I will say thank you, Lord,
My life has truly been blessed.

Butterflies fly high
high in the sky
at night they try
to go somewhere to hide.
To hide from the dark
they fly and they fly
into the dark during the night sky.

You came as a ray of light,
Made my life cheerful and bright,
Showering your affection over me
So that my face was full of glee.
Taking away my complete loneliness
And giving me back all the happiness
With a Midas touch of your care
To keep me away from despair.
I'll never leave you midway,
And tales of our bond people will say.

Life is a carousel, always going forward, never going back.
Existence is a hard thing to keep when you stop trying.
To live a life, you must want to live.
To want to live you must find a way.
When all hope is lost, you must stand tall.
When all others retreat, you must prevail.
You are the conscience inside your head.
You create your own destiny.
Life is a very hard thing to keep
When your life does not always go the way you plan.
Fight for your life and the right to keep dreaming.
If you feel you were gifted, share your gift.
If you feel you were cursed, fix it.
As you get older, your life becomes a challenge.
Who are you?
What do you want in life?
What will you be?
What is your purpose in life?
If you worry, these things will turn into burdens.
But if you hold on to them in the back of your mind,
All of the answers will come in time.
Life is a carousel, always going forward, never going back.
Look to the future, not to the past.

You don't want to meet me here
Torn between my hope and fear
A fallen angel lurking near
Is looking for an honest ear
The angels in a demons cloth
Impurities into the wash
A strength of which the weak will watch
When time is at a pricely cost
But you cannot teach the blind to see
Only feel, only be,
An insight that must come from thee:
To absolve the soul; I set it free.

Be careful with that.
Well, it's running in my vein.
The devil on my shoulder
Is nestled in my brain.
Every time i think about it,
Im boxed in underground
Eluding all the answers
As I buy another round
Walking past the mirrors
Im not looking at myself
Im staring at the noose
Thats hanging from my shelf.
There could be a comfort there.
A certain kind of peace.
While I'm stuck inside this chapter,
I am lost within the crease.

Rain, rain, go away,
Because of you the pain will stay.
Slit my throat, cut out my heart,
Leave me here, tear it apart.

Poison tears stream down my face,
My heart beats at a steady pace
As I try to stand again;
Alone and standing in the rain.

I don't need you anymore...
Is what I think while tears pour.
I hate you like I hate my life;
But love is what cuts like a knife.

Love is death and death is you;
Its pain stains like a black tattoo.
Those memories come back again
And bind me in the ropes of pain.

Crimson blood streams down my head
Like a long, silk ribbon, tied by a thread,
To a platinum bullet, a hole in my skull...

...Now just a memory that's faded and dull

How do you sit down and talk to your sister
and tell her that her Daddy has gone?
It's easier explaining the meaning of death
and why people die and draw their last breath.

But Daddy, he's gone to no peaceful heaven.
Instead he's in prison and serving a seven,
so how do you sit down and tell your own sister
the whys and the reasons her Daddy has gone?

"Listen, sis, you'll need to be strong.
Daddy has done something terribly wrong.
He's gone into prison for quite a long time,
and this is what happens when you commit crime."

"Daddy still loves us, he'll phone and he'll write,
ring you to wish you goodnight and sleep tight.
We can sit down together and write him a letter.
It'll make Daddy smile and make him feel better."

I tried telling my sister with emotional tact
the truth of the matter, but you can't hide the fact.
Her Daddy has gone and has gone for a while.
You can't say it with flowers or manage a smile.

So how do you sit down and talk to your sister
and answer her questions why Daddy has gone?
All you can do is just tell him your way
and pray to the Lord he'll be home soon one day.

In the black of night
not a twinkling light in sight
he shone as bright as the sun
too bad we were on the run

Had we not witnessed the death
not heard the last breath
we would be enjoying the party

But his mind was too preoccupied
too mystified
by the mysterious woman
consulting the doorman

Have you ever heard 'curiosity killed the cat'
boy you should have hid behind your hat
you were the guest
now your part is the test

You are ****** for all eternity
because of your naive mentality
so run you little lab rat
your being chased by the cat

Dear Mom,
Have you forgotten?

Sitting, waiting, hoping

Where did you go, Mom?
Did I do something wrong?

Lost, lonely, sad

Are you really gone, Mom?
I waited...
I'm with my grandparents now, Mom.
I have a room now.
Are you there, Mom?
Can you hear me?

Tired, crushed, defeated

Started school again.
It's my birthday, Mom!
It's okay, I don't need a birthday card.

Broken, lacking, sorrowful

Broke an ankle, Mom.
Got a school award.
Are you happy?

Undefined, sinking, heartbroken

Went to the school dance, Mom.
Had my first relationship!
Do you miss us, Mom?

Warped, torn, tangled

You're really gone now.
Why?
I'm moving on now, Mom.
I miss you.
I love you.
Goodbye.

"I'm tired," I say,
"That's all."
And in a way, I guess it's true.
In every other way,
It's a lie.

Tonight you ask me
What depression feels like.
I think, then tell you
That it's sort of like
Slowly clicking up a roller coaster hill,
Waiting and waiting to peak,
But never reaching the top.

You seem confused
But don't ask anything else.
Soon enough you're gossiping about
How that girl we know got pregnant.
You don't understand that
I am still climbing that godforsaken hill.

People call me heartless,
Robotic.
I wonder if they realize
How difficult it is to function
When you're not sure if you even exist.

And here I am,
Dodging your politely, forcefully concerned gaze,
As you ask me what's wrong.
"I'm tired," I say,
"That's all."

I wish I could explain depression to you
Once again and scream about
How I wish I could feel anything.
Do you really want to know what depression is like?
Depression is like having a disinterested corpse
Skillfully stowed in the shell of my body.

"You seem so sad lately.
Can't you at least pretend to care?"
Oh, honey, if you only knew.
You ramble on about this and that,
But I'm no longer listening.
You could dig for centuries
And never strike my dying core.

And THAT, my innocent, naive fool,
Is what depression feels like.

Despite the storms,
beauty arrives like
it was always going to.
Despite the darkness,
the light returns.
Despite your loss,
your heart will be
full again.
Despite the breaking,
your heart will feel
like it belongs in the
land of joy once more.
This is how it will
always be. Keep living.

Does God listen when we pray?
Or when we speak does He turn away?

When life is tough, is it His doing?
Is He putting us through a test to reveal our loyalness?

Lost in this world with no guidance.
I need help, where can I find it?

My faith is strong, though sometimes rough..
I pray to God, but is it enough?

I know I stray away at times.
But I beg for forgiveness, of this heart of mine.

Sometimes I wonder, why is it me?
When I am going through tragedy.

But then I remember, all He's done.
Even sacrificed his only begotten Son.

No matter what I go through,
I know He's with me, every step of the way.

I thank you God, for all you do.
Even when my heart strays from You.

My heart is yours, forever more
Till the day I'm at your door.

Does love only happen to the lucky ones,
or is it instead the tricks of the world that conspire within.
Can one be fully happy where there is love
or does love do like the wind
which continues to blow on end
Because with out it how can there be a beginning
as many Christians we know the beginning and the end
Genesis 1&2
But in this world so few can ever know the feeling...
the feeling of love; real, pure, true love
So its only true to ask does love only happens to the lonely ones.

Dark forests are filled with birds and trees
Sun shines through the clouds with ease
There might be darkness, but the light won't cease
To dominate the day.

Without the dark, there would be no light
With the day also comes the night
To be brave you must first experience fright
And remember that there is always a way.

You can't have happiness without the pain
The rainbow comes after the rain
It's never too late to switch lanes
Ask yourself - where does your heart lay?

You can't find something without it being lost
Beautiful things come at the highest cost
Before the sunny weather comes the frost
Work goes first, then play.

Trouble surrounds the eye of the storm
Somewhere it's cold, somewhere it's warm
Great occasions come in all different forms
What do your instincts say?

You might think you're alone, but you are not
We've all been through our own battles fought
Your greatest enemy and best friend are your thoughts
Know that you will be okay

The most beautiful eyes shine with the most tears
The most courageous heroes have faced the most fears
The ones who haven't given up have come very near
But they've all still managed
But you have still managed
But we have all still managed
To dominate the day.

im gonna be posting all my drafts i currently have so yea poem dump i guess..

A dreamer, that’s what she was.
Most people just float on, barely surviving the torrents that life throws their way.
But she was a dreamer.
She lived for the love she read of in books.
She lived for the adventure she found in their pages.
She loved for the sake of never being loved in return.
For she was a dreamer, and dreaming she was.

A dreamer, that’s what she was.
Most people just carry on, refusing to acknowledge the pain that chains them down.
But she was a dreamer.
She was trapped by her expectations.
She was trapped by her desires.
She lived for a life she would never live.
For she was a dreamer, and dreaming she was.

A dreamer, that’s what she was.
Where as others awake when their dreaming is done,
She was trapped by her dream, violently torn,
Between wishing, waiting, wanting, watching…
In search of a life that could never be hers.
For she was a dreamer, and dreaming she was.

A dreamer, that’s what she was.
But how long can she chase her dream,
Until it becomes a nightmare?
Is she a dreamer stuck in the dreaming?
Or just an addict chasing the feeling?
I was a dreamer…until life caught wind of my dreaming.

We've all been through thick.
We've all been through thin.
We've all been to the light
And back to the dark again.

Every day is a struggle.
Every day may be a new fight.
Every day may be a game,
And every day may leave a new scar.

But never forget that every day is new.
Every day is an adventure waiting for you

Everyone is searching
for the missing piece in life.
The key to unlock the door
and steal back all lost time.
Searching, looking, restless,
scanning every crack and crevice,
lying awake at night,
dreamless, empty presence.
Your broken heart
from years and years
lets laughter fall onto
your deaf ears.
No happiness is enough.
No joy can be felt.
Everyone is searching
for something to heal themselves,
yet no medicine is strong enough,
no key can ever be turned
to give us what we want the most,
to give us what we yearn.
The thing we want is an illusion.
Our perceptions are distorted.
The Snow Queen's looking glass
when it dropped and shattered.
All is worth what we rate it,
all ranked by how we place it.
Chasing what cannot be found
instead of choosing to be content.
Wanting what we do not have,
a dream that cannot be,
a masterpiece of mirages,
all too soon we believe.
When will we begin
to accept what is here?
The present day in which we live,
not the past or future.
When will we stop searching
and decide we don't need more?
Only then we will find
what we've been looking for.
The good you have is here,
yet you keep looking on,
never realizing what you had
until it is gone.

Your eyes are fire.
Their image burnt into my soul,
Scarred by beauty.

Sometimes
I wish that you could see
This scared girl inside of me.
I'm not really as I seem.
I'm not tough, strong, or mean.
That isn't me.

This isn't the real me.
I fight by day,
Yet cry at night.
No one can see through
My false identity.

I've been hurt,
As you can see,
So I created
A fake me.

No one ever tries
To get through my shield.
All I want to be is me.

How do I show
What I've kept hidden for years?
How do I show
All the silent fears?

What would you think
If I showed you me?
What would you say
Without my false identity?