I loathe you
Even moreso, I loathe that I loathe you
Love is what you need, love from me
Why can't I give you that which you seek?
Just a little love would help you climb that peak
I know your heart is well-meaning
I know your past is behind you
I know those chains were broken and that little love-
That little bit of love would let you leave them behind.
So why is it that I can't love you?
Why do I have trouble forgiving you?
God forgave you as He forgives me
So why do I wish for you to suffer?
I look upon you every day and see your eyes filled with pain
Upon that fallen countenance, I gaze with great disdain
I see you're trying and I'm cheering
But even as I cheer, I know I hold you back
There's one final question I must ask of thee
I ask it every day, and I know I'll ask it again before you die...
...why must you be me?

It's raining
Precipitation I did not foresee
The clouds have been there, but when did they grow dark?
When did they grow heavy, laden with this buried pain?
Kept at bay, the vault to be forgotten
Yet here you are, bringing forth the rain
Why couldn't you just have stayed safely locked away?
Yet it's not all bad, the rain brings comfort, that of familiar sorrow
"There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."
It's a terrifying thought, yet a dream I cling to: joy, happiness.
We fear the unknown and these things are just that.
Though I await the rising sun, I cannot hearken for the morrow.

The war has returned
The darkness snuck in with its lies
The thoughts in my head have begun to be swayed
Once more, my mind is at war with itself
My body and heart are the battlefield
I’m ravaged; left exhausted, scarred, and broken
The battle settles for a moment
The fortress of my mind begins to rattle
It feels as though every thought inside is attempting to claw its way out
They see the corruption; they know it’s a lie
Yet still, they eventually succumb
A mental plague of pandemic scale
How long will it last this time?
What casualties will I suffer?
I dream of the day that war ends for good
The day that the darkness comes and goes without taking residence
How do I let love in if I have nowhere left for it to live?

I brought you flowers and only smiled when you stomped on them.
Your eyes were swollen and red when you told me to leave with your mouth.
Then you stepped back and invited me in with your silence.
We sat at opposite ends of the couch.
I watched our favorite movie, you muffled your wimpers and tried to hide your tears as you stared at your phone.
I covered you with a blanket once you fell asleep.
I stayed up a little longer, lest your night terrors come.
Now it was my turn to weep; I kept quiet so you wouldn't wake up.
I fell asleep on the floor in front of you and you were gone when I woke up.
I could hear your sobs coming from the bathroom.
My hand grabbed yours as you emerged.
You didn't even try to hide your wrists as the blood ran down them.
Back in the bathroom we went.
I cleaned the wounds and wrapped bandages around them in silence.
You couldn't look me in the eye when you asked "Why?"
I held back tears as I looked up at you and smiled.
We went on a walk that day and didn't get back until dark; Silence the entire time.
Whenever I saw you glancing over at me, I made sure I was smiling.
When we got home, we could barely stand, leaning up against each other.
I drew you a hot bath and sat outside the tub, washing your hair for you.
I knew we didn't have much longer together and I knew you didn't want to talk about it, or anything for that matter.
The next morning, I made you breakfast in bed; you refused to eat.
The time was drawing close, I made a phone call.
Later that day we went to see our friends for a late lunch.
It was only an hour before we returned home.
I was tired and told you I needed a nap.
I could see the anguish in your eyes, but I only smiled and kissed you on the forehead.
I laid down in our bed and went to sleep.
I didn't wake up.
A couple days passed and a package arrived.
You opened it and found a jar of liquid and a note: "Remember, Olive Juice."
I can still see your smile from here.

Forsworn am I, yet doomed to die,
Lest I deny myself and cast off my pride,
Humbling myself in His righteous eye.
My path is clear, but I can't move forward,
Held back by myself, ensnared in my fear.
Unworthy and hypocritical,
I throw myself at Your mercy as I make my petition;
"Please, raise this prodigal son from perdition."

Didn't know where else to put this, my first bit of slam poetry, not sure if I'll do another.  This was hard enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R0dLfx21iU

Standing at the edge of a precipice
I cast my gaze down towards the abyss
When did I climb out? When did I make it this far? How much further must I go?
I cast my eyes towards the sky, the light shines whiter than snow
Chains on my ankles attempt to pull me back down into the dark.
If I don't break them, this climb will tear me apart.
Maybe that's okay though, maybe it's what I need
After all, I'm already dead inside my heart.

Shaking
Ever so violently
I hope nobody notices
Quaking
Ever so forcibly
I dare not move
Trembling
Ever so timidly
I hope nobody approaches
Quivering
Ever so fearfully
I hope somebody sees me
Whispering
Ever so softly
I hope they heard me
Speaking
Ever so nervously
I hope they reply
Screaming
Ever so harshly
I'm here! Why can't they see me?
Why can't they hear?
Where is my voice?
My lips, why won't they part?
There's a storm raging inside of me
I want it to stop
I can't make it stop
Why won't it stop!?
People are all around me
Why am I alone?
How am I alone?
I don't want to be alone
Everything begins to dim
The permeating darkness won't stop closing in
I can't see anyone or anything
I can feel something
Something I never felt before
It's so heavy
It's so tight
What is this weight on me?
Where is this pressure coming from?
Around my ankles
Around my wrists
Around my neck
There's something covering my mouth
I can't breathe
A sudden pain in my chest
My heart is enwrapped in thorns
This piercing pain is too much
Relieve me
Make it stop
Somebody save me
Now the pulling
Something is pulling at my heart
With each beat, the thorns pierce away
The pulling on my heart scares me
What is it that's pulling?
My mind is a blank
My mind is silent
My mind is lost
My heart slows its pace
My heart is weary
My heart stopped
I am defeated
The pulling starts again
Where is it coming from?
A faint whisper
I don't understand but my heart jumps
Shouts and screams of hatred and defilement echo harshly in my ears
When did they return? Did they ever stop? Did I just go numb?
They're drowning out the whispering
I want to hear it
I want to know what it said!
There are eyes within the darkness
They're glaring at me
They hate me
They want to destroy me
Somebody help me
Somebody save me
Invisible hands reach out and begin to touch me
They're disgusting and terrifying
They're clawing at me
Arguing...the shouters are arguing over me...
Who gets what piece of me
I don't know what to feel
I don't know where to turn
I'm ready for them to decide
I'm ready for them to destroy me
I just want this to end
Another feint whisper
"I..."
My heart jumps again
It's still too loud
Why do they have to be screaming?
Why does this voice have to whisper?
"I am...and..."
It's coming through clearer
I'm trying to block out their evil words
I throw my hands over my ears
The whispering continues to grow clear
My heart has started again
The pulling I felt was the thorns being removed
"I am the...truth...the...I..."
The words aren't flowing through my ears
They're flowing through my heart
What is this sensation?
The clawing away has stopped
The eyes are turning away
I can see a light above me
It's so far away
"I am the way, the truth...the...and I..."
I'm reaching out, but the chains are too heavy
I can't reach
I can't get close
I'm crying out but my voice won't do a thing
Tears are streaming down my face
I don't want to die
My eyes shut in defeat once again
There's no way I can ever reach that light
What do you mean I don't have to...?
I open my eyes and the light is before me
A hand is reaching out of it towards me
"I am the way, the truth, the life, and I love you."
He grabs my hand in His
The shackles around my limbs break
The weight is gone
I feel lighter than I ever felt
I'm surrounded by the light now
It's warm
I feel calm
Where once I would tremble and quake
I was now still
Where once I felt ignored
I felt adored
When once I felt alone no matter how many people were around me
Now there were none, but I knew that I was not alone
I knew people would still hate me but it no longer matters because...
I'm loved by Him.

Break me
Oh mighty crafter
A stubborn statue I have been
Though the hardships have weathered against me
Sought to endure through them, I have
But it is not the will of man or myself that seeks me broken
It is Your Will, Lord
Break me, not so I will fall and crumble
Break me, so that I may be rebuilt
Crafted in the beginning so that I might be displayed in your righteous and Holy hall at the end
A darkness was cast upon the world and I was overtaken
Deteriorating, I was
Living in this sinful state, I continued
Why? Just to exist?
When your Son came down, He offered me shelter from the elements
I thought myself forgotten, ready for time to take its toll
Destroyed, I was prepared to be
The corruption went deeper than the surface
No longer fit was I to enter your Holy hall at the end of all
Yet your Son, by Your hand sent, came to restore me
Break me, so that I may be rebuilt in the glorious visage you envisioned
Though the elements will be harsh against me still, I will trust in You to keep me
Break me, Father, so that I may be restored

Fallen from grace, that is the current state of man
Held down by the shackles of sin to the prison of death
Seeming destined for a sentence of eternal damnation
Yet it was seen fit by You, oh righteous one, to break our shackles and tear the prison asunder by the means of a man
Setting before the rest of us a path that we can follow
Had you not sent us a man, we would have made the decision of extreme rationale, that a higher being could not be immitated and we would have made peace with our eternal cells
Yet it was a man You sent, in Your infinite wisdom, for You are righteous
Deliver me, oh redeemer, deliver me from the confines of death
Annoint my head with Your oil so that my cup runneth over
Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, Almighty One
Lead me to Your treasure chest
For it is a bountiful one
Filled to brimming with Your knowledge, Your understanding, Your wisdom, and Your grace; Your mercy and lovingkindness
Give me not the key, but withhold nothing that Your servant asks of You in faith
When I seek, I find.
When I ask, I am given.
When I knock, the door is opened.
Deny me my own ways and instruct me in Yours
Break my heart of stone and give me one of flesh
Redeem me

Oh, how the mighty art fallen
Lucifer, son of the morning star
Behooved by manner of thy own devices
How pompous thou hadst become to refuse to bend thy knee to man
It was pride that filled thee to burst
Had it not been but a few millenia later
Even your knee would have bent to the King of Glory
Whenst He did stoop down to the level of man
Even you wouldst have cried out "Lord, Lord wouldst thou not take upon thyself my raiment of glory? Clothe yourself as a king, not as a commoner."
Were it so much that us being made of dirt and you of fire that your proudness could render thee blind to our beauty as endowed by our shared Creator?
Though our mediums be different, were the Crafter's hands not the same?
Wouldst thou haft only humbled thyself, a different world we could have
I pity and thank thee, oh fallen one
For showing me how not to be

To whom do I write about life's blight?
Is it for you, happenstance that you've read?
It is for myself, trying to overcome my inner dread
On myself I have placed these chains, afraid to let myself sore
I can't take it, I'm done, these shackles must be no more
My heart pounds rapidly with anticipation
I'll stand up proud and announce myself before a nation
If death becomes me then I shall languish no more
Truly it is better than being Suffering's personal *****
I'll follow the path of Apollo and bring myself to the sun
The burns are as nothing, taking a chance to have some fun
Seek not to return me to a life bound by shackle and chain
No longer will I live a life entrenched in pain

Why am I afraid to go dance?
Why am I afraid to take a chance?
I just want to cut loose and express what I'm feeling
The ideas of having eyes on me has me reeling
To let go of fear and set myself ablaze with internal fire
Right now, this is my only desire
Why do I watch but never join?
Why do I leave my fate to be decided by a coin?
Why am I afraid to take a chance?
Why am I afraid to cut loose and dance?

What is it like to have confidence beyond your gaze?
What is it like to have unwavering courage, even on your worst days?
I wish upon a star that I knew
I wish upon a star that it would spring out of the blue
Lowering my head to the ground and raising my hands to God
Does the world really find this trend so odd?
I guess most are just obsessed with the human '***'
I'll submit myself to the will of the Lord
If only we were connected by an ethernet cord
I run about wishing I knew what He wanted me to do
My ears feel deaf, I'm focused on you
I try to change my focus
My brain wonders, what about 'us'?
Is there a potential future?
When is it that I will truly feel mature?
Why must I fear all that I think to do?
Why must my heart and brain revolve around you?

Running in circles round-and-round
Impatiently waiting until the day you're found
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Pretending we're unboxed toys lining store shelves
Waiting for the one that will open us up to add value to their life
Until that day comes, we create and dwell on constant strife
We need to let ourselves out of the box
We must stop waiting to be invited to the others' flocks
Arise from your prison, you won't regret this decision
Already in Hell, how scary could it be outside of your cell?
Seize the day, no soul can enjoy life in a truly lonesome way

Keywords
That's all anybody hears
A beautiful line falls on deaf ears
People hear only what they want to hear
They speak against things they themselves do
When you try to remove the the sliver from their eye, they deny that it exists
Walking and living in their ignorance for as long as they can
Truly it is bliss, until the truth comes crashing down around them
For how long must this continue?
When will people let the truth into their lives?
Keywords
That's all anybody hears.

I'm trying to put it into words, but it can be hard to explain.
Life is just a curse, all it gives is pain.
I walk down the street and see a child smile, just once, I'd like to know that feeling again, if only for awhile.
The one I wear is faux and cheap, the future awaits but I can't make the leap.
I don't know what awaits, but I'm afraid it will hurt.
I'm just an empty shell getting covered in dirt.
What does it mean?
To those around me, my true heart remains unseen.
I put on this mask to keep this burden from others.
What is it like to have somebody you call a lover?
From others I've seen, the pain they feel seems so different.
It looks like a pain that's worth going through.
But what is an empty shell supposed to do?
I don't want to stand still but fear has me frozen in place.
I can't lie to myself and say it's just one of those days.

For King and country; for glory; for God; for love; for land; for the right to live; for the right to live how we want
All of these, and more, are reasons to fight
It's easy to have a reason to fight
What about a reason to withhold your actions?
What reason does one use to say no to fighting?
It's easy to rationalize why we do acts of violence, but nobody rationalizes passivity
What about when we do something silly and pointless?
I do such things to make people smile
If I cannot make myself smile, why not do so for others?
Let people ridicule me all day, if I bring about at least one smile, then the day has not been wasted
Love is my reason
Love for all of mankind, even those whom would stand against me
Love is all the reason I need to forsake myself for others

Raining from above, the fires of Hell ravage the land
All of life is burned up upon the face of the earth
It does not distinguish one life from another
Father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, adult or child
All are consumed by the destruction
A lone soldier watches in the distance
His job of destruction is done, but, was it worth it?
He fights to protect peace, yet denies peace to his enemies
What is going through their heads?
Are they not also fighting for what they believe to be right?
Tears stream down his face as he comes to a realization:
In order to change anything, one must be willing to become that which they fear most.
One must become a monster.
Death becomes us all, but are we willing to become Death?
Which of us has the right to become Death?
Which of us can claim that responsibility?
Under which circumstances must the law be rewritten?
Under which circumstances must the law be ignored and broken?
Who in this world can bring about the change?
Who can make that decision?
Only you.

Hustling-and-bustling, people move throughout the day
It's such a rush, no time to smell the roses
No time to think, no time to enjoy
We spend all of our time live life comfortably
We waste all of our time, unable to enjoy our afforded comfort
What's the point? Only man sacrifices his health for wealth so that he might spend his wealth on his health.
It's such a pointless cycle, no enjoyment, all rush, no sadness, only work.
Yet at the end of the day, people find a reason to defend this lifestyle of sadness
The rich look down on the poor for loving what they have
The poor pity the rich for not being able to appreciate what they can afford and envy them as well
We're all just people though, searching for what it is that makes us happy
Such is the American Dream

Fear; It is that which holds us back
Fear; It makes us susceptible to the enemy's attack
Fear; It is the weapon of the weak
Fear; It is enforced by the havoc and destruction they wreak
There is but one weapon that sets us free
The only thing that brings fear to a knee
Love; When it's perfect, it dispels all fear
Love; Unconditional, like the fawn has for mother deer
Love; We spend our entire lives searching for it
Love; It's always there, but in the giver's eye doth we usually spit
If the love does not come from the source we seek
We frown and cry, it shows that our hearts seem weak
"To obtain, something of equal value must be lost."
One must give in order to receive.
Give love to receive love.
Make it pure and unconditional, for conditional love is tactless and selfish.
Love yourself, for you are indeed worthy.
If you cannot see this truth, how can you expect to see the love that others do give you?
Focus on the source of all love, He who loves you more than you could ever understand.
He who loves so much that He sent His son to die so that you might live.
Do not spur the ultimate love, do not spit in His eye, meet His embrace head-on.
Once you embrace His love, you will begin to see it everywhere.
Your search for love will be over.
God is the truth of love.

Lost in the darkness, we wander round-and-round
Trekking through the mud, with no hope of ever being found
As morale wains, so too does the memory of purpose
Growing more lost, as life spirals out of control like an untrained circus
Focus shifts from our purpose to finding a purpose
We look to be great in everything we do, hoping to make something of ourselves.
The more we try though, the more we place on our shelves.
As these shelves fill up, we begin to feel like failures.
When it comes to this endless despair, where are the remedies?
Where are the cures?
Darkness itself becomes our air and we begin to suffocate.
Take heed though, for eternity in darkness need not be your fate.
The Lord God is there.
Seek Him out, He'll pull you from the despair.
Focus your eyes on Him, He'll set your heart on fire.
Faith in Him will grant your heart's desire.
The road is hard, as it's not the beaten path.
With every step you'll grow, His love washes over us like water in a bath.
With each step your happiness will begin to show.
You've found a purpose in God, be blessed and comforted by His rod.

Zuru-zuru, zuru-zuru
We wander aimlessly from place to place
Zuru-zuru, zuru-zuru
We're in no rush, quite slow is our pace
Zuru-zuru, zuru-zuru
Making excuses all the time
Zuru-zuru, zuru-zuru
We allow ourselves to be covered in grime
Zuru-zuru, zuru-zuru
We carelessly sin as if it's fine
When will we heed the truth?
When will we heed the warnings?
When it comes to our deaths, there will be only mourning.
Zuru-zuru, zuru-zuru

Flying through the sky with our wings spread
There is naught that we should dread
Our hearts still pure, how long can we endure?
Remain a child in faith and heart
Growing up brings only pain,
As life goes on our spirits drain
The enemy, is drawing near
Lion a lion, he'll pounce from the rear
He seeks to devour all that he may
With the Lord at your side, speak "Not today."

The rich man seeks to increase his fortune,
The poor man treasures all of his wealth.
The rich man measures value in dollars,
The poor man measures value in love and friendship.
The rich man whom acts as the poor man is wise,
The poor man whom acts as the rich man is a fool.

Give and take, that’s how the world works
You give what you can and accept what you believe you deserve
All I have to give is love
I give it freely
I give and I give and I give
There’s none left for myself
I don’t deserve it
I don’t see what others see
I receive what others give, but I do not accept
A failure is all I see
An amalgamation of the shattered remnants of whom I was
I want to accept the love of others
I want to accept love for myself
I can’t
I don’t deserve it, I failed everyone

Slaves; Every last one of us
Slaves to our emotions
Slaves to our desires
Slaves to our fears and insecurities
In our hearts, we are free
In our minds, we try so hard to spread our wings
The shackles wrap our heart and mind
We hold the only key
Our demons guard the key from us
We’re stronger only when steels ourselves with true courage
Fear holds us back
We cannot comprehend ourselves as strong enough
Some will use all they have to help others
Others become instigators
In the end though, we’re all monsters
Whether to ourselves or to others
We’re all monsters

Running amok whilst standing in place
When we pretend to strive for something, we actually slow our pace.
Defiantly we try to resist our fate
Defiantly we deny true happiness
What is it that drives us to this?
Fear
Nobody wants to alienate themselves from their best friends
Even knowing they won’t judge
We are afraid that, on some level, they will
Why do we fear the judgment of man more than the judgment of God?
Lack of faith
This is what I lack most in life
This is what I seek in life
But I’m afraid.
I’m afraid.