The war has returned
The darkness snuck in with its lies
The thoughts in my head have begun to be swayed
Once more, my mind is at war with itself
My body and heart are the battlefield
I’m ravaged; left exhausted, scarred, and broken
The battle settles for a moment
The fortress of my mind begins to rattle
It feels as though every thought inside is attempting to claw its way out
They see the corruption; they know it’s a lie
Yet still, they eventually succumb
A mental plague of pandemic scale
How long will it last this time?
What casualties will I suffer?
I dream of the day that war ends for good
The day that the darkness comes and goes without taking residence
How do I let love in if I have nowhere left for it to live?
For those that go through this, just know that you're not alone.
I brought you flowers and only smiled when you stomped on them.
Your eyes were swollen and red when you told me to leave with your mouth.
Then you stepped back and invited me in with your silence.
We sat at opposite ends of the couch.
I watched our favorite movie, you muffled your wimpers and tried to hide your tears as you stared at your phone.
I covered you with a blanket once you fell asleep.
I stayed up a little longer, lest your night terrors come.
Now it was my turn to weep; I kept quiet so you wouldn't wake up.
I fell asleep on the floor in front of you and you were gone when I woke up.
I could hear your sobs coming from the bathroom.
My hand grabbed yours as you emerged.
You didn't even try to hide your wrists as the blood ran down them.
Back in the bathroom we went.
I cleaned the wounds and wrapped bandages around them in silence.
You couldn't look me in the eye when you asked "Why?"
I held back tears as I looked up at you and smiled.
We went on a walk that day and didn't get back until dark; Silence the entire time.
Whenever I saw you glancing over at me, I made sure I was smiling.
When we got home, we could barely stand, leaning up against each other.
I drew you a hot bath and sat outside the tub, washing your hair for you.
I knew we didn't have much longer together and I knew you didn't want to talk about it, or anything for that matter.
The next morning, I made you breakfast in bed; you refused to eat.
The time was drawing close, I made a phone call.
Later that day we went to see our friends for a late lunch.
It was only an hour before we returned home.
I was tired and told you I needed a nap.
I could see the anguish in your eyes, but I only smiled and kissed you on the forehead.
I laid down in our bed and went to sleep.
I didn't wake up.
A couple days passed and a package arrived.
You opened it and found a jar of liquid and a note: "Remember, Olive Juice."
I can still see your smile from here.
Forsworn am I, yet doomed to die,
Lest I deny myself and cast off my pride,
Humbling myself in His righteous eye.
My path is clear, but I can't move forward,
Held back by myself, ensnared in my fear.
Unworthy and hypocritical,
I throw myself at Your mercy as I make my petition;
"Please, raise this prodigal son from perdition."
Didn't know where else to put this, my first bit of slam poetry, not sure if I'll do another. This was hard enough.
Standing at the edge of a precipice
I cast my gaze down towards the abyss
When did I climb out? When did I make it this far? How much further must I go?
I cast my eyes towards the sky, the light shines whiter than snow
Chains on my ankles attempt to pull me back down into the dark.
If I don't break them, this climb will tear me apart.
Maybe that's okay though, maybe it's what I need
After all, I'm already dead inside my heart.
Ever so violently
I hope nobody notices
Ever so forcibly
I dare not move
Ever so timidly
I hope nobody approaches
Ever so fearfully
I hope somebody sees me
Ever so softly
I hope they heard me
Ever so nervously
I hope they reply
Ever so harshly
I'm here! Why can't they see me?
Why can't they hear?
Where is my voice?
My lips, why won't they part?
There's a storm raging inside of me
I want it to stop
I can't make it stop
Why won't it stop!?
People are all around me
Why am I alone?
How am I alone?
I don't want to be alone
Everything begins to dim
The permeating darkness won't stop closing in
I can't see anyone or anything
I can feel something
Something I never felt before
It's so heavy
It's so tight
What is this weight on me?
Where is this pressure coming from?
Around my ankles
Around my wrists
Around my neck
There's something covering my mouth
I can't breathe
A sudden pain in my chest
My heart is enwrapped in thorns
This piercing pain is too much
Make it stop
Somebody save me
Now the pulling
Something is pulling at my heart
With each beat, the thorns pierce away
The pulling on my heart scares me
What is it that's pulling?
My mind is a blank
My mind is silent
My mind is lost
My heart slows its pace
My heart is weary
My heart stopped
I am defeated
The pulling starts again
Where is it coming from?
A faint whisper
I don't understand but my heart jumps
Shouts and screams of hatred and defilement echo harshly in my ears
When did they return? Did they ever stop? Did I just go numb?
They're drowning out the whispering
I want to hear it
I want to know what it said!
There are eyes within the darkness
They're glaring at me
They hate me
They want to destroy me
Somebody help me
Somebody save me
Invisible hands reach out and begin to touch me
They're disgusting and terrifying
They're clawing at me
Arguing...the shouters are arguing over me...
Who gets what piece of me
I don't know what to feel
I don't know where to turn
I'm ready for them to decide
I'm ready for them to destroy me
I just want this to end
Another feint whisper
My heart jumps again
It's still too loud
Why do they have to be screaming?
Why does this voice have to whisper?
It's coming through clearer
I'm trying to block out their evil words
I throw my hands over my ears
The whispering continues to grow clear
My heart has started again
The pulling I felt was the thorns being removed
"I am the...truth...the...I..."
The words aren't flowing through my ears
They're flowing through my heart
What is this sensation?
The clawing away has stopped
The eyes are turning away
I can see a light above me
It's so far away
"I am the way, the truth...the...and I..."
I'm reaching out, but the chains are too heavy
I can't reach
I can't get close
I'm crying out but my voice won't do a thing
Tears are streaming down my face
I don't want to die
My eyes shut in defeat once again
There's no way I can ever reach that light
What do you mean I don't have to...?
I open my eyes and the light is before me
A hand is reaching out of it towards me
"I am the way, the truth, the life, and I love you."
He grabs my hand in His
The shackles around my limbs break
The weight is gone
I feel lighter than I ever felt
I'm surrounded by the light now
I feel calm
Where once I would tremble and quake
I was now still
Where once I felt ignored
I felt adored
When once I felt alone no matter how many people were around me
Now there were none, but I knew that I was not alone
I knew people would still hate me but it no longer matters because...
I'm loved by Him.
I wrote this for anyone who knows this feeling of defeat of being entrapped in the darkness. Jesus Christ can save you from anything, even when you're ready for an end to a world that just doesn't seem to stop crashing down around you.
Oh mighty crafter
A stubborn statue I have been
Though the hardships have weathered against me
Sought to endure through them, I have
But it is not the will of man or myself that seeks me broken
It is Your Will, Lord
Break me, not so I will fall and crumble
Break me, so that I may be rebuilt
Crafted in the beginning so that I might be displayed in your righteous and Holy hall at the end
A darkness was cast upon the world and I was overtaken
Deteriorating, I was
Living in this sinful state, I continued
Why? Just to exist?
When your Son came down, He offered me shelter from the elements
I thought myself forgotten, ready for time to take its toll
Destroyed, I was prepared to be
The corruption went deeper than the surface
No longer fit was I to enter your Holy hall at the end of all
Yet your Son, by Your hand sent, came to restore me
Break me, so that I may be rebuilt in the glorious visage you envisioned
Though the elements will be harsh against me still, I will trust in You to keep me
Break me, Father, so that I may be restored