I loathe you
Even moreso, I loathe that I loathe you
Love is what you need, love from me
Why can't I give you that which you seek?
Just a little love would help you climb that peak
I know your heart is well-meaning
I know your past is behind you
I know those chains were broken and that little love-
That little bit of love would let you leave them behind.
So why is it that I can't love you?
Why do I have trouble forgiving you?
God forgave you as He forgives me
So why do I wish for you to suffer?
I look upon you every day and see your eyes filled with pain
Upon that fallen countenance, I gaze with great disdain
I see you're trying and I'm cheering
But even as I cheer, I know I hold you back
There's one final question I must ask of thee
I ask it every day, and I know I'll ask it again before you die...
...why must you be me?
Precipitation I did not foresee
The clouds have been there, but when did they grow dark?
When did they grow heavy, laden with this buried pain?
Kept at bay, the vault to be forgotten
Yet here you are, bringing forth the rain
Why couldn't you just have stayed safely locked away?
Yet it's not all bad, the rain brings comfort, that of familiar sorrow
"There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."
It's a terrifying thought, yet a dream I cling to: joy, happiness.
We fear the unknown and these things are just that.
Though I await the rising sun, I cannot hearken for the morrow.
The war has returned
The darkness snuck in with its lies
The thoughts in my head have begun to be swayed
Once more, my mind is at war with itself
My body and heart are the battlefield
I’m ravaged; left exhausted, scarred, and broken
The battle settles for a moment
The fortress of my mind begins to rattle
It feels as though every thought inside is attempting to claw its way out
They see the corruption; they know it’s a lie
Yet still, they eventually succumb
A mental plague of pandemic scale
How long will it last this time?
What casualties will I suffer?
I dream of the day that war ends for good
The day that the darkness comes and goes without taking residence
How do I let love in if I have nowhere left for it to live?
For those that go through this, just know that you're not alone.
I brought you flowers and only smiled when you stomped on them.
Your eyes were swollen and red when you told me to leave with your mouth.
Then you stepped back and invited me in with your silence.
We sat at opposite ends of the couch.
I watched our favorite movie, you muffled your wimpers and tried to hide your tears as you stared at your phone.
I covered you with a blanket once you fell asleep.
I stayed up a little longer, lest your night terrors come.
Now it was my turn to weep; I kept quiet so you wouldn't wake up.
I fell asleep on the floor in front of you and you were gone when I woke up.
I could hear your sobs coming from the bathroom.
My hand grabbed yours as you emerged.
You didn't even try to hide your wrists as the blood ran down them.
Back in the bathroom we went.
I cleaned the wounds and wrapped bandages around them in silence.
You couldn't look me in the eye when you asked "Why?"
I held back tears as I looked up at you and smiled.
We went on a walk that day and didn't get back until dark; Silence the entire time.
Whenever I saw you glancing over at me, I made sure I was smiling.
When we got home, we could barely stand, leaning up against each other.
I drew you a hot bath and sat outside the tub, washing your hair for you.
I knew we didn't have much longer together and I knew you didn't want to talk about it, or anything for that matter.
The next morning, I made you breakfast in bed; you refused to eat.
The time was drawing close, I made a phone call.
Later that day we went to see our friends for a late lunch.
It was only an hour before we returned home.
I was tired and told you I needed a nap.
I could see the anguish in your eyes, but I only smiled and kissed you on the forehead.
I laid down in our bed and went to sleep.
I didn't wake up.
A couple days passed and a package arrived.
You opened it and found a jar of liquid and a note: "Remember, Olive Juice."
I can still see your smile from here.
Forsworn am I, yet doomed to die,
Lest I deny myself and cast off my pride,
Humbling myself in His righteous eye.
My path is clear, but I can't move forward,
Held back by myself, ensnared in my fear.
Unworthy and hypocritical,
I throw myself at Your mercy as I make my petition;
"Please, raise this prodigal son from perdition."
Didn't know where else to put this, my first bit of slam poetry, not sure if I'll do another. This was hard enough.
Standing at the edge of a precipice
I cast my gaze down towards the abyss
When did I climb out? When did I make it this far? How much further must I go?
I cast my eyes towards the sky, the light shines whiter than snow
Chains on my ankles attempt to pull me back down into the dark.
If I don't break them, this climb will tear me apart.
Maybe that's okay though, maybe it's what I need
After all, I'm already dead inside my heart.