I can’t ******* function
I can’t ******* THINK
I’ve lost control over my emotions
I’m not in control
I’m not in control
I am not in control

The pills will hold me
Though no one else will
Through the night
They comfort me
Console me
So softly they lull me to sleep
Remind me I’m alright
Yeah... at least the pills
They care for me
Because there isn’t anyone around to

The demons want back in my head
They’re waking up
They’re making noise
I can silence them
If I swallow the tablets
But then I’m rendered dormant with them

Give me something to indulge in
I’m tired of feeling grey
I want to feel truly, properly alive
Let me eat until I can’t stand it
Drink until I can’t stand at all
Pleasure me not by my own hand
Surround me in comfort
Delight me
Would someone please kiss me?
Just give me one good reason
Just something to hold on to

I feel sickness setting in
Darkness coming for my thoughts
A plague to paralyze my heart
Evil steeping in my soul
The futility of living
Growing ever loud
How do you want to be alive?

I don’t think I’m abusing it yet
But I couldn’t stand it
I took some extra pills
It’s better.... calmer
I’m tired
Nearly asleep
Just let the darkness take your mind
And rest
Away from the torment
Until you wake

Everything... absolutely everything hurts
I loved you
I love you
But you weren’t safe with me
I couldn’t control myself
I made you leave
To save yourself
You’re not gone forever
I’ll see you again
But these months apart...
I don’t know how to survive
The agony of missing you

tw: self harm


My mind isn’t right
I can’t think
What... what did I do...
There’s blood on my wrist
From slice after slice

I was getting too used to it...
Had to change direction
Change location
Bleed somewhere else
To ensure it would hurt
Because it’s something.
I needed to feel something.

Now I’m drowsy
My gauze-wrapped wrist stings
And I finally feel
I’ve got what I deserved

It’s alright now
I’m putting myself to bed
A few pills to make me sleep
I’ll calm down
I’ll feel pleasant and safe
My eyelids will become heavy
I’ll start to drift off
Because at least if I sedate myself
I won’t have the energy
To get the knife out

I couldn’t control
The monster inside myself
I let it consume me
And it turned on you
So I screamed at you to run
But you stayed as long as you could
And I wounded you
Again and again
Until you finally had the good sense
To abandon me

I can’t talk to you
Because you think you understand
Blame the depression
But you... you don’t know
You don’t intimately know depression
Like I do.
So you invalidate me
My feelings
You try and simplify the complex
But it is complicated
And in your attempts to solve me
To fix me
You’ve alienated me
You’ve hurt me
You’ve lost me

You should ******* run
I’m terrible
I’m lethal
I’m poison
And I’ll try to convince you I’m not
So you can make me feel better
But I assure you
I’m a monster
I will ruin you
If you fall prey to my act

I don’t want to celebrate my birth
Because right now
It feels like a massive error
I’ve lost my desire to exist
And if I could simply
Blink myself out of existence
I wouldn’t hesitate
To go through with it

Apathy
Has spread like venom
It’s reached my heart
And I don’t know if I’ll survive
I feel it in my veins
In the fog in my head
In the impulsive decisions
In the depths of cold suffering
That I don’t care
I don’t care about my self
I don’t care about anyone else
I can’t feel anything
And that’s not enough
To keep me alive

I think...
It’d be nice
If I figured out
How to care
About
My own
Well-being

How many milligrams
Should I take
To treat a heartbreak?

You... you took it away from me
I got sick
And lost the privilege
Of feeling alive
Instead... you kept telling me
“Feel better”
And gave me more pills to choke on
But don’t you understand??
I never wanted to feel better
I just... I just wanted to get to feel
Enough
Of everything

It might snow for my birthday
And all I can think about
Is a suicide attempt

Have I been broken too long?
How do you recover
When every part of your being
Is tormented
Is confused
Is lost
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know how to be alive
I don’t even feel alive
And in all this chaos in my head
The only thing I actually know I want
Is to sink so low
You’ll never fix me.

I want to fall beyond repair

It’s been a while since I’ve cried
I’m realizing I don’t feel like I did
And I miss it
I miss feeling
I miss crying
I miss experiencing
If this is the price I’m paying to stay alive
I may need to find a better deal

I’m starting to see it
My future unfolding in front of me
It’s not what they wanted
But it’s exactly what I expected
I’ll be a little broken
I’ll ***** myself over
I’m done being “perfect”
Or whatever the **** that was
Cause I’m a wreck
I was raised poorly
And I’ve lost my desire
To do any better for myself

I lost myself the other night
I didn’t think it would happen...
I didn’t think I’d have to choose so soon
But I had the chance
Finally an opportunity
And I gave in
Because I wanted it.
My mind was made up years ago
I’d decided to finish the bottle
Long before I started it
So I forced it down
More and more...
Feeling ill
Giddy
Relaxed
Finally something nice...
And when I’d already gone a bit too far
I went a little further
The gently swaying hotel room
Began to spin violently
And honestly....
I can’t remember much of the rest
I blacked out
I knew I would
I’d decided long ago.

And though my stomach protested
I just kept going...
You begged me to eat
Insisted I slow down
Drink some water
I listened a little
But I was determined.
You had to hide the rest
Because you knew I’d try and drink it.
My first time truly free
And I was out of control
I’ve wanted it for so long....
And to my dismay
It was everything I’d hoped for

I’ve bled today
And something
About this moment
Makes me want to dig in deeper

Hey, would you just **** me?
Cause I don’t... I don’t actually wanna be alive

You can’t treat me
If I don’t want to get better

Sorry,

E̴̘̹̠͍̭͒̉͜ṃ̶̺̰̲̟͋́p̴̧̛̳̠ȉ̴̪̒͑͐ŗ̴̝͍͙͔̀̄̅̌ė̴̽̓̎­̨͉̩̟̞̗̑


P. S. I don’t care

I’m bleeding out
And you... you want to just cover it up
Not to heal it
Not to help
Just to hide it longer
Until it gets angrier
It’ll get infected
Hidden
Under bandaids
That never would’ve been able to heal
The kinds of wounds
I carry

There’s not much left
My wounds are healing
Scars fading
And all I can think about
Is adding a few more
To my collection

There’s so much destruction in me
I’d like to make progress
I’d like to try and get clean
Just so it’ll feel worse
When I fall back into my habit

tw: self harm


How do I go back?
How do I walk in there
As a failure.
What a heavy burden I’ve picked up
I probably don’t need to carry it
But I don’t know how to put it down

Although
There’s this urge
Something to be my painkiller
My distraction
My ****** punishment
It would keep me from thinking
Alleviate the guilt
Because I’ve let them down
Let everyone down
And I’ll tell myself I was sick
Do anything to absolve myself
Run from responsibility
But it’s my fault.
I just.... I just need to release it
I need to see it
Dripping... delicately...
Down my wrist....
And then... only then...
Will I be able to breathe

I don’t want to go home
It’s... it’s supposed to be safe there!
I should want to see my family
Well. I don’t.
They’ve hurt me
They’ve used me
They’ve twisted me
Over and over and over again
So I don’t want to go home
It’s too good here
I’m too free
I’m actually happy
I actually have a will to live
So naturally
This must cease.

My heart is blackened
The edges burned and seared
And no matter what I do
No matter how hard I try
I can’t keep it alive
I can’t stop the necrosis
As it spreads
Deeper and deeper
And I’m really... uggghhh
I’m frustrated
Because I’m supposed to be alive
I’m supposed to want to be
But I can’t escape it
The death that follows me

Crawling through the darkness
I stumble towards the light
Trip and slip
Slide down... down... down...
Stagger to my feet
Try to climb
Grab hold of something
But as footholds break
And progress turns into pain
The temptation
To let go
To fall
To surrender
Grows ever stronger...
Ever enticing....
Ever seducing...
Ever inviting...

HahahahHa I’m finally drunk
Like really really drunk
And I don’t wanna sleep
Cause I feel really really nice
And as soon as I sleep
I give it all up
I’m not ready for that
I’ve only had a few hours of this bliss

****
Everything is spinning a bit
I’m not even kinda sober
Finally got what I wanted
I ******* win!!!
Ahhhahhha I am so ******* drunk
I’ve wanted this for so long
And I have it
And I’m so happy
This is it!!!
This is what I’ve wanted!
Ah yes!
I feel high
But like drunk
I love it

tw: self harm


Something’s wrong with me
I need... I need something
I want to draw lines
Quick strokes
Then pause to watch
Then pause to feel
It fill in red
It’ll stiiiiiinnngggg....
I’ll see the garnet drops grow
Until they trickle down my arm
Leaving a carmine trail behind

And through it all
Relief will flood my body
I’ll forget about everything around me
In that moment
The pressure is released
And I feel okay again
At least for a bit

What the hell?
Today was amazing
It was simple
It was pleasant
It was living

But now... now my mind
It’s straying, staggering
It’s craving things....
It wants my wrists slit
It wants my head spinning
It wants destruction
It lusts after death

I’ve been happy today
It’s... it’s been so long...
I... I feel okay
I feel... human...
I feel... I feel like living

What the hell
Why do I still want it
Why am I craving that
Why am I ignoring you
I’m so sorry
What the hell is wrong with me...

Hey what’s that?
Anticipation?
Are you excited?
How unexpected!
How lovely!